what a session is like for me; before – during – after

shutterstock_96797989-800x430when I commit to a session with someone, I feel the physiological download as soon as we set the appointment — and sometimes prior! what this looks like for me is an eclipse of the person’s feelings, patterns, thoughts, physical sensations and so on — typically in the form of whatever is blocking or plaguing them, past present and future. I do not just “tune in” during the session, but rather I am made like a very sensitive sonar — picking up signals and symptoms all day, every day. there is no “protection” from this, it is just the way that I am made. as a child, it was awful. as a young person dating, it was awful. I constantly confused what was mine with what belonged to somebody else. now, it is a tool that I have managed and work hard at managing on a moment to moment basis! this tool is also a fantastic gift to share with others who share my sensitive nuances (and though I am clearly an exaggerated version, we ALL do share this antenna, by the way — we are just programmed not to realize it).

here is just one example to illustrate what happens on my end when I work with people: one month I received a phone call from a person. I recall ringing them back relatively soon (I am normally backed up one or two months with old calls to return), which was based solely on blind intuition. for this purpose, I prefer to know logically nothing about a person before I see them. logic is a snap for me — and due to such, I treat many Ivy League medical professionals who actually specify in psychology or psychoanalytics; it is the intuitive feelings and perceptions that hold the gold, and so I preserve it as best as possible. anyhow, I spoke on the phone with this person and they told me that they were ready for a session, but they just weren’t sure what they would speak about. I said to just wait until it felt right. a day later, this person rang me and we played phone tag for two days. on the third day, I left this person a voicemail and I woke up with CRUSHING pain. I am leaving very personal and graphic details out of this entry to preserve privacy. this crushing pain began first thing in the morning, lasted all day, and continued through one of my afternoon meetings (with a former patient! – major side note, we are working together on a brilliant project – blog and update to come…). since I had taken the prior 5 days off from any sessions, and mostly cocooned (sleeping my regular 10 hours per night, eating high vibration foods, hydrating, detoxing at hot yoga, barely speaking with anyone) I was perplexed as to my physical and also emotional or spiritual condition — it was difficult to articulate what I was feeling. I rode out the day, assuming I was having some kind of ascension symptom or personal release as it related to my area of crushing pain. the next day, the person called me back and we scheduled for the very next day – 24 hours after the final phone call, and just 48 hours after my crushing pain. although my pain subsided, I recalled having tinges of it during our very first phone conversation a couple of weeks back (at which point I mentioned such on the call). as I sat in the session and began looking into my patient, I was flooded with SO much information that I did not know where to start or how to sort through it (which is why it generally takes 4 hours of discussion before I can physically work on someone – energy does not move until we agree to it, both consciously and subconsciously, at least in MY opinion and experience). a couple of hours in, I found out the reason that this person called me back a final time after our initial phone tag and their wondering “what they would talk to me about”, despite being very pulled to see me: the morning of my crushing pain, this person received horrific, category 5 tragic news. the reality of this news could not be more directly tied to my crushing pain as it also physically existed in the same exact part of my patient’s body. hence, I had already began experiencing this session in the midst of us trying to book it, before we had even scheduled. clearly this was spirit organizing our important (and VERY timely) meeting. not only did this involve myself and my patient, but also a third party (if we are being specific to the nature of the tragedy — many more souls were connected to this event). I had to sort through all of the info I was receiving during the session for everything to make sense. rarely do I feel so personally moved and compelled as I did during this session, because the awe of the event was just so unbelievable. after the session, I was similarly tied, of course, like I am with any session. I could feel not only the physical aftereffects, but the emotional sadness connected to the entire situation and session. I had to remind myself, as usual, that I was feeling something that was not mine. so that I could observe it, accept it and let it pass like a storm. this happens for EVERY session, by the way. I am simply a channel or vessel to interpret information, take it through me as if I am the dishwasher, and transmute it for the person when they have done all they can themselves and can not seem to move it – whatever “it” is.

after a session, I can feel the tremors of a person’s process like an earthquake. this is one of the reasons that I use remote sessions to accompany someone’s in person session — it helps to shake off the crumbs, and it allows the person to delve deeper into their process so that things don’t remain stuck. sometimes I feel the aftereffects for weeks. and when I work with multiple people in one week, it can be very overwhelming. it is not just the 5 or so hours in person that I connect to. I spend ample time releasing energy for both my patient and for myself. in some cases this takes many days and then lingers. it is difficult having so many people whom I have worked with attached to my ethereal field — so I am extra careful about who I work with and when. when the timing is right, a person will not only be able to handle the intensity of the session, but they will also be able to “support” the aftereffects of such by doing their OWN work that I suggest. this always moves things along much faster! for everyone 🙂

how do I know when I have actively transmuted a session and fully assisted the person? it is different each time as far as timing and particulars go. however, when I feel like I have finally been able to get an uninterrupted night’s sleep and my mind is high and positive (as it is when I am not in frequent contact with anybody!), then I know we are on the upswing.

I can not stress enough, how important it is as an empath, to not claim others’ feelings as your own. this is where codependency shows up in all kinds of relationships. if you are an empath to the degree that I experience, personal space is CRUCIAL. because you will indeed become the experiences of every single person you interact with until you understand how to manage the process. (another blog on that). in my personal experience in relationships of all kinds, I have found that without proper boundaries, people will mistake my own power and gifts for theirs; suddenly they are riding my coattails and have no idea they are doing so — because I allowed my field to merge with theirs. when one frequency is dominant or higher, it is actually the one “at risk”; energy flows from top to bottom, and therefore it will absorb the lower densities of any energy it communicates with via phone, email, in person, etc. when we know our OWN natural energy levels and suddenly they are completely thrown off, it is more than safe to say that someone has (wittingly or unwittingly) completed invaded our sacred space. if we do not catch this, we can end up in a seesaw position where all of our gold and magic (and health!) plummets — whilst the other person uses it, confusing it with their own. for this reason, again, I am careful about who I take on as a patient, a friend or an acquaintance. people MUST be able to do their own “work”, or things will get convoluted. one day I will blog about the awful romantic relationships I had in my 20s when I didn’t understand what was happening!

in conclusion, committing to a session with somebody is a massive undertaking for me. I must not only be energetically wise about doing so, but if I notice ANY of my boundaries are violated (unintentionally, of course, and not necessarily even on the 3D plane!, but beyond — entities, both positive and negative, are rampant and active with all persons), then I must step back and wait for the right time to pursue the session or connection. being a marionette to assist another person is fascinating and a true, true pleasure — as long as everything is “right”, and that involves my full-time job to remain as a clean and clear vessel. I monitor my interactions, my food (dead meat is death and suffering and I feel it intensely), my exercise, and what is mine on a strictly personal and physiological level.

 

 

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narcissistic relationships: what they look like, what they do and how to rewrite your storyline

narcissistic relationships: what they look like, what they do and how to rewrite your storyline

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narcissistic relationships occur across the board: with friends, acquaintances, parents, romantic partners, teachers and so on. in order for us to remain in a N relationship, we must first be predisposed on a primal level. nothing comes to us unless we are existing at the vibrational match, in some way, to that thing.

narcissists, or Ns, are a curious bunch. their wiring is different. they live in a constant “fight or flight” state, and view the world and those around them as a battle that they must preemptively fight and conquer before anything affects them. this is a deluded space to operate from. but for the N it is very real. these individuals are not always obvious characters, at first glance. they may range in obvious nature from the overt N who everyone just “knows” is out of control, but whom they either allow or “accept” into their lives — always for their own dysfunctional purposes — to the completely non-obvious or altruistic N, who is the do-gooder in their circle of acceptance…the non for profit hero, the back breaker of favors (but only so that they can turn it on us and use it against us as warfare later – with the N, nothing is “free” or done without expectation). there are varying degrees of N.

the most important part of a N relationship is that they do not view us as an actual person. though, it may seem they do. they will begin collecting “data” about us from day one, even storing it for years, to use later when it “counts”. this is different from a healthy person who snaps with anger or disappointment at a relationship gone wrong. with the N, they will collect “data” over time, but continuously LEAK it to those around us before there is ever even any actual fallout. that way, when we decide to walk away from the N, they have built their story lines to such a height that they have also cast their crew of enablers. enablers are weak people who are too afraid to live in truth. similar to the N, they can not confront their own reality. they will sell out their own “closest friends” or biological family members to continue taking part in a lie — which is the actual basis and foundation of the Ns function. enablers do not value themselves, so they can not actually value others. like the N, the enabler has to continue perpetuating a story/lie so that they can sleep at night. because if they were to confront reality, their entire world would fall apart. as 99% of it would be false. weak people can not confront reality. because confronting reality means not only risking, but also being alone.

Ns are interesting as they obviously range from parents to friends and everything in between. but it is never just by happenstance that we find ourselves in a fake relationship — with a N. a relationship that, no matter it’s origin, is built to SERVE in some way the N. the most important aspect of a relationship with a N is the PROJECTION screen that is used. Ns are particularly adept at spinning things around. because they believe their lies, they make excellent sales people and “leaders”. however it can be noted that they will never, ever, spend time with those they perceive as being “above” them. and, if that turns out to be the case at some point, they will do whatever it takes to knock the stool out from under the feet of the person they feel outshines them. Ns are competitive creatures. I would say that they “want to be the best”, but that’s not really true; they just want to be the best in their pond. Ns do not usually make actual leaders, unless they are actually able to brainwash manipulate and control large numbers of people. like Hitler. he was an anomaly. most Ns hang out just high enough for one to honor them (i.e. they have a great job, they are attractive, they are functional members of society — whatever that means) but never high enough to face those that would shine light on their faults and inadequacies. have you ever met a N who you thought could actually do “better” in life, and wondered why they kept it “small”? one answer: control and exposure. their fear of exposure is massive. so they tend to keep their circles small. they will get close, but not close enough to form an actual human bond. however they may appear to do so; they may engage in a variety of activities that make them seem highly functional. their victims or enablers may actually FEEL a connection to the N. but remember, the N has no real human radar of feeling. it is impossible. or they would not resort to the tactics that they use in order to maintain relationships. the N will divulge very personal details about us to those around them (aka grooming those around them) as they perceive an inevitable fall-out — as most of their relationships end. they will often choose people whom they perceive as being beneath them in some way, either socially, economically, or otherwise. they will gaslight their sphere of acquaintances against one another so that other members of their “tribe” can not ever get too close!! I know this from personal experience on MANY levels with different kinds of N relationships. both biological and friendship based.

after a degree of self-introspection and therapy, we may notice we are indeed in the midst of a N relationship. again, it can never end up this way without first being predisposed to this early on in life. but as we grow and expand, we break old contracts with relationship dynamics. and every time we break a contract, a domino effect of people hitting the pavement ensues — that is, if we are actually being honest with ourselves and doing the work. when we find ourselves in the midst of a N relationship, there is only one thing to do — and this can be so hard and take years and years of contemplation and follow through — LEAVE. no matter who it is. no amount of history, gas lighting or guilt can account for a reason to stay. leave. there will never be any amount of explaining, bartering, etc with a N. if they were not a N and we were “wrong” by pulling the plug, we would notice such by a complete turnaround and shift in behavior. this never happens with a N. once we leave a relationship with a N, they are “found out” and will often embark on a smear campaign — big or small, depending on who the person is that left them in the first place! there is a great video about this by a woman who specifies in N and their desperate smear campaigns: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUuK6hDakW4

when we finally see through the smoke and mirrors, we begin to reflect on the entire relationship with the N. even after we leave it. because it is such a mind trick. I suggest my blog about removing the belief before removing a person. no person can remain in our lives unless we first believe something about ourselves. when we get healthy (most of society is sick, by the way, so if you feel like the only healthy person in your life don’t be afraid of it) we begin to see how sick the past was with said N. this is not to be confused with being angry with someone, and leaving out of anger. usually when we get to the stage of leaving, we have already been angry and that anger no longer has a stronghold on us! it is absolutely possible and even preferable to have forgiven the N but absolutely want nothing to do with them. we reach this space when we are in a personal place of accepting reality. if we are still in contact with the N, it is not out of love or commitment — it is from a space of still not accepting reality and therefore wanting/hoping/expecting the N to change. they don’t. and that is ok! the N has their special place in this world. their blessing is that they can wake the rest of us up to our own illusions and delusions. it is not all ugly. but staying in any kind of a relationship with a N — OR their enablers — is a death card. we may go back in time and finally see how sick and twisted the mind and behavior of the N actually was. this can be heartbreaking when it is someone who raised us, or someone who we were friends with for years and years during formative periods in our lives. but, just because it is not easy to see this, does not mean it is not true. it is like waking up to an entirely different reality. it can be VERY hard to accept. but once accepted, the road to healing and bliss continues and elevates.

what does it feel like when we wake up and see the forest for the trees? and how does this even happen? well, part of us “knew” the truth for years. we knew that we were being mistreated, abused, gossiped about, etc etc etc. but we accepted it. because there was something SO OLD that made us think we were not better than that. but the mind is aware regardless. however the conscious mind and the subconscious are two different playgrounds. in my experience, the subconscious is where the hidden, DEEP deep beliefs are stored. the ones we do not have access to. so, it takes certain experiences to bring those to the fore. for one person, it might be as simple as a yoga class that ignites kundalini energy from the root chakra (where all of our beliefs are stored energetically). for another person, perhaps they have done yoga their entire lives and can not connect their deep core beliefs consciously. perhaps, for them, they simply meet a person who matches their intrinsic value and it “clicks” for the first time — setting off a sequence of events that eject parts of themselves they have collected which do not match their value. for another person, they may have been in therapy for decades and one day they wake up and it all makes sense as to what they need to do next — after all of those years and conversations, they have solved the subconscious mystery. so it is important not to judge or analyze what is the best way to wake up and see the forest for the trees. we never do so until it is time. when we do, it can feel like an absolutely deafening and grey space. because when we wake up from the dream, the ILLUSION imposed upon us by others, we are left only with our core — which we don’t recognize, because it has been hidden! our core is our truth, and that registers on a deep level. however we haven’t been this up close and personal with our core before. so it feels…uncomfortable. uncomfortable is an understatement. we may go back and forth in our minds, thinking we are crazy. but truth can not be hidden — so we will connect, still, to what is best and healthiest for us. we may feel completely overwhelmed with the thought of disconnecting from anything and anyone who is not “real” or who is living under an illusion (i.e. the enablers of the N and obviously the N themselves). this is deeper, by the way, than waking up to the truth and still accepting the past or the old ways into our life. this is a clear, clean and cut and dry response to anything that does not match our value. responding in this way feels like we have moved to another planet!

soon the smoke fades. we are again left with the truth about what our relationships have been, and what we want and deserve. we embark upon this “new” life with clean, healthy, supportive relationships. this is so hard to adequately express: clean, healthy, supportive. most of us have never known what that REALLY is. because most people do not have the capacity to be honest with themselves. when we find ourself in this space, we begin to rewrite our storyline. we do this by aligning only with truth, with our worth. when before it may have seemed like a tall order to be surrounded only with people who respected us, that formerly tall order is an absolute rule. we are no longer persuaded or silenced by the N voice which says “you are so judgmental” or “can’t you just let people be who they are” or “you can’t choose your family” — none of those statements is remotely true. and living an authentic life of peace, love and inspiration is just the beginning. as we cross this threshold and move into new and “scary” territory with those who only honor and respect us, our gifts begin to truly unravel. it is like a greeting from the Universe, gifting us back the energy and love that has been stolen and held by the N (and, in many cases, their enablers). what is truly remarkable is the creativity and passion and fire that begin to explode from within the core of a person who has woken up to their own reality. we are now in a position to experience our GIFTS. the fog and smoke that held us in suspension for so long (even from a remote distance without seeing the N in person) is lifting and we feel it. and because we are in self love now, nothing is more important than taking care of one’s own soul. THAT, is our actual and ONLY responsibility on this planet. taking care of our own soul and self. all else is an illusion. anyone who tells us otherwise is lying. the smoke and the fear that tether us so strongly to the Ns I speak of here is equal to the strength and explosion of our GIFTS to the world. however we must leap and THEN the net appears.

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