people will come to you for help, and the next thing you know they will be giving you advice


photo by Pia Venegas

people will come to you for help, and the next thing you know they will be giving you advice (usually on the very thing(s) they came to you for help for, a time ago, in the first place). what do you say/do?

I can’t tell you how many times I have experienced this transference from others throughout my life. and it’s normal for younger people to do, once they feel like they “know” something, or know enough, and suddenly they want to share this knowledge…with the source of it. but grown adults do it too. this theme is also sprinkled throughout my mandated pre-session book Dancing The Dream by Sams. it is ego projection at it’s finest, wanting to dissociate fully from the perceived “inadequate” former self. in a sense, those we help can actually resent us for it later on — and have no idea that is the case whilst they are doing it.

the first thing we can do is, simply, be mindful about who we help. the more centered we are, the easier this gets. the more we have to learn for ourselves and our own growth, the more unhinged people we will attract who want our “help”. eventually we will get better at discerning.

I have written sporadically about a person or two I met who, after being crippled with fear and anxiety — and in one case a total shut-in — and seeing me for help, tried to replicate exactly what I do for work — and even later accused me of being “threatened by competition”. lol. the preposterous nature of their transference is something I kept to myself and didn’t respond to at all. after all, I was there to help…

so the thing is, how does this common theme present itself in our lives in general and in other categories, and how do we stay mindful of our center? it can be attemptedly (and unconsciously!) crazy-making, as the behavior is not only unconscious but manipulative. i.e. “you helped me, and I never want to feel helpless again — so let me help YOU to obliterate the piece of me that I never wanted in the first place”. this shows up in corporate arenas when young people think that because they have done xyz, they suddenly know more than their boss who has been with the company for 20 years. their subsequent actions and behaviors can take on many forms. it shows up in life and in friendships and creates drama in those friendships. it happens between clinical therapists and their patients. and of course it shows up between parents and children, most especially.

my thought on staying mindful of our center, when we help bring someone closer to conscious awareness of xyz and they attempt to spin the reality of that, is to stay completely still and do nothing. doing nothing is always best. doing nothing creates a mirror, that does not distract or fog the person speaking to that mirror. we know what we know. attempting to explain such to this “new version” of an old person we once met, or prove such, will not help the person advising us on our life (as if). the desire on their part to regain some sense of control that is still lost, will reveal itself to them the more still we stay. this…is how we love them. even in the face of bad behavior — or, in my various experiences with this, unsolicited advice on my life across the board.

we all always have various tests of the ego, and this example is a great one (one of my favorite) because it can piss us off if we are on the receiving end. people love to try to (usually insidiously, like a sly fox) push my buttons (perhaps because of what I do for “work” aka life’s purpose). but they can’t. and after they can’t, they get a shot at seeing themselves in a newer and clearer truth. and everyone grows.

Share:

recently I tested the echo of a lesson I have already learned. here’s what happened:

fyi — this post is a bit obscure. I hope it makes sense to others in the way that it makes sense to me.

a while back I wrote a blog post about “echoes”. this might also be explained in physics as a butterfly effect of a core realization that has occurred in one’s gut, fluttering away yet still taking it’s time to fully leave a person’s electromagnetic field or unconscious realms.

recently a situation arose in my personal life, and it had all of the markings of an “old” lesson I learned. I entered as it arose, BECAUSE I felt completely detached to the outcome or “power” of the situation, and I was truly curious to see if I would/could illicit a different response from my core since I had already “learned” the lesson I was (wittingly) looking at once again.

there are many shades of grey in the astral land of our conscious, subconscious and unconscious minds as they relate to the waxing or waning effect of a lesson. a lesson is simply something that has been brought into our conscious awareness — it does not mean that we have been able to make an unconscious (the deepest and most hidden) connection to it. but, at least we know “I don’t like this lesson”. even if we keep repeating it. the shade of grey in the astral land of my conscious and subconscious and, most importantly, unconscious mind as I speak of the echo I recently tested, was a new color this time. it was in plain sight, in each of the 3 conscious realms, and I desired to explore this shade pushed so far into the ethers by the butterfly.

the first thing that happened as I explored this new shade of grey was that I knew the beginning, middle and end of the lesson. surrounding the lesson (that I had learned many, many times over already, as this was now an echo of that lesson) in echo territory was the whole truth and the plain truth. it felt metaphorically like walking back onto a crime scene that was still in tact, and not dismantled, many year’s after a loved one’s murder. that loved one had been mourned, the crime had been solved, the evidence presented wholly, and justice served (just the crime scene had been frozen and never cleaned). there were no questions about that crime scene. it was in plain sight, and each element of it had been consciously, subconsciously and unconsciously accepted.

the next thing that happened as I explored this new shade of grey was that I realized in seconds (yes, seconds) what kind of a movie or play this was, and I was actually curious to see who the cast would be! in this shade of grey, I had been to that crime scene many times and at this point it was simply another opportunity to look through a more colorful (not necessarily informative, even) lens. since I was not in actual physical or otherwise danger as I walked straight into this lesson/crime scene/movie/play, this grey echo that was active even in the moment of exploration flapping it’s wings rapidly away from my energetic signature forever became fascinating to me. it was such a new shade, yet of such an old lesson – and knowing and surrender of such – that it actually felt exhilarating to experience. like a 3 act play, performed night after night after night as the star.

next in line to the new and lucid lens described above, were the same physical gut sensations I had always had — particularly back when the lesson was repeating yet not in my consciousness. particularly when the lesson my worst nightmare. gut sensations are different for everyone, but you know what they are: a racing of adrenaline, a purely physical excitement that we know is “bad” for us yet kept us alive. a pit in the gut/core/solar plexus, and an almost dress rehearsal movement of my body in general. yet this time around, there was no experience of emotional negativity around these physical alarms/manifestations, as the knowing of beginning middle and end was 100.

next in line to the knowing/”I’ve seen this specific movie so many times and I used to fear it and now I don’t and I can’t wait to watch it again with new goggles” and the physical sensations was the actual linear time and space play-out of the show. the xyz day(s) and month(s) of 2017. as I met the different characters of this lesson turned-echo that I felt grateful to say goodbye to as it’s weight, size, appearance and so forth had changed and dwindled down to a fraction of what it was, I felt like I was taking old boxes out of storage and sorting through every piece of them. I reflected with love and appreciation! this was different from the debris at the crime scene, as this was the essence that the crime scene fully rejected as the crime was committed. I felt so grateful to meet the new and integrated pieces of myself for the first time in a brand new way. I walked through conversations and actions with the key players in the real-time situation, and met them all over again — from the eyes and heart of power and foundation. there was no element of surprise, not at one point, which is usually the tragic hallmark of a lesson. yet this wasn’t a lesson. it was barely even an echo. it was barely even grey. I was able to follow suit as all parts of the real-time were unfolding, as if I were merging my new self with an old dimension where the echo hadn’t even become an echo yet, and push that aspect of inner child through to the other side in 2017. as the so-called “ugly” or what I would have then referred to as “horrible” during an actual lesson presented, I greeted the echo with my full self. I greeted it with a protected child’s eyes, wide open.

what I took away from this experience was that I didn’t ever need to see that movie or play again. I had attended closing night, and I gave it the biggest standing ovation possible because it was the last. I wasn’t even saying “this is the last”, I just knew that…it was the last. I also took 100% trust of my gut, and all of my intuitive knowing, in a way like never before. though I had seen the show for the first time in a brand new shade of grey that was almost white and gone forever, I had seen it the last time from any perspective. the last time, not because I felt I had no control over it and had to say “the last time”, but because reality had completely shifted. when we test an echo, we are no longer testing the lesson so much — and depending upon the shade of the echo, we may get to see it a final time from a detached, healthy, solid, knowing and very grateful place…even during the decision to re-experience. depending upon the shade of the echo, an encore will not even cross our mind because the show has closed. that’s what happened for me when I tested the echo of a lesson I already learned.

Share:

random updates — and (crest of a new wave) stuff I’m creating


photo by Pia Venegas at The Island House, Nassau

random updates:

so, my work spans various industries. two of the strongest connections have been in finance and education. what I mean is, key individuals I have seen in each of these industries have approached me regarding implementing curriculum for their firm or institution. there are many reasons that this would happen during this space and time (2017) – many of my sessions are covering information that has not been touched on yet, and is definitely not mainstream. it will be.

it’s hard for one person who has had one session to gage how expansive the information we discuss is and how it relates to many different people and industries across the board; the thing is, we are on the crest of a new wave in every way possible. I said this last year, that 2017 would present foreign territory. I also knew Trump would win the election. almost no one listened to me. the next day I got flooded with “how did you know?” messages. the gut intuition I had about massive change was strong for a while, and now we are in it. this is to say that we are in a brand new void space that we have not visited before. we have a HUGE opportunity right now to create new things, build new things, and execute purpose differently than we have ever thought of before. everything is changing…

what is most exciting to me is simply making a difference for and empowering many people. it is my desire that this year, many of you whom I have seen for sessions step directly into actualizing your purpose. those I have seen span every industry imaginable, and are so unique in their personal strengths and character. I want us to all go into this new territory of creation together — and as I expand (such as creating curriculums, taking advantage of media and entertainment) I want to support your projects. many people I work with have left their jobs to create the “impossible”. as someone who has done this, I can promise you it can and will work out and it is important that it does! authentic voices are important and valuable now more than ever.

my focus with media and entertainment has always been platform-based — meaning it’s the greatest tool to communicate information. I am also a creative person and artist, and love love love sharing my truth in creative ways. I’m currently tapping back into that as well, and excited to re-integrate that piece into my life. if I sound scattered, well, I’m not — there is a big picture forming and it has been forming for 15 years 🙂 if people tell you that you are scattered, don’t listen — you may be an artist too, boiling different pots at different speeds and following your intuition. those who don’t dare step out of their comfort zone will not always understand the method, and they don’t need to. we all accomplish things differently. I usually have 10 things going on at once and it makes no sense to anyone except ME.

if we have worked together in the past and you are in a creative space and setting up your purpose because you left your “job” or you are going to, please feel free to update me via email so I can support you. over the past 5 years of my work, so many people have been setting up amazing platforms and I know that one day, ALL of them will inter-relate!

while times have been so hard for many/most of us as of late in particular, keep in mind that there is simultaneous tremendous opportunity. this notion might feel counter-intuitive but give it a chance. step up. blessing/curse duality is often at play and we just have to work with that balance and do our best – myself included. <3

Share:

why successful people don’t have time for bullshit, and why you won’t either as you become successful


“salida” photo by me

bullshit and success do not exist in the same room.

what do I mean by success, in this post? I mean a fully honed focus. an actualized dream. a desire manifest into 3d. for example, a singer who wants to win a grammy. an inventor who wants their idea patented and worldwide with the intention of helping others. basically anyone doing the “impossible” in life. the only reason we don’t live our dreams is because we get caught up in bullshit — emotional, psychological, or otherwise.

what do I mean by bullshit, in this post? I mean second and third chances to allow someone to show you who they are. this sounds harsh, yes. and I spent many — MANY — years giving not second or third chances to people, but hundreds. maybe thousands. sometimes to the SAME one person! another form of bullshit is gossip and negative focus — for example, watching the news each day, complaining about it, and making that an actual reason why life sucks.

when I was on the road to my current “success” — which I would define, personally, as something that has grown definition-wise over time (there was a time when success to me simply meant living month to month and paying rent and eating and working ANY job! — now, it means pioneering in medicine and literature and healing by leveraging media) — I had to sort through a LOT of bullshit. and what I learned, each time that I had less of it, was how light my bags got. each time my bags got lighter, suddenly I was closer to my “goal”.

for example: when I first moved to NYC, I was leaving the corporate arena. my focus at that point, as I grew my natural precociousness for all things holistic/metaphysical, was simply to book a recurring role on tv. the reason for it, at the time, was to have a platform to come back to “later”. with my message. at that point in time, I did not know what my message would be. now I do. anyhow, I got caught up in a very draining relationship for over 2 years. right as I was taking my plunge toward my goal, which could have happened nearly overnight, I allowed myself to fill my bags with shit. it is not to say the person was bad, but they were *not* good for ME. I stayed anyhow. the reasons why can likely be found in many other blog posts, lol. but the point is, I slowed my road to success. I ruminated on many things. I didn’t trust my gut in knowing that while this person’s life and business would completely expand (which it did!!!), mine would be put on a big fat hold. I was also in constant contact with people who did not respect me. I was then learning 1) how to leave a very unfulfilling relationship and 2) how to lessen contact with those who did not serve any positive interest in my life. it took time. about 2.5 years. and when I did it, DAMN! my phone rang off the hook for consistent work in TV and Film, and within just one year I had booked a recurring role on network television. well, no shit! I had dropped bags.

another example, and this one speaks to my own bullshit that someone else didn’t want to tolerate (though I didn’t get it at the time!): when I was younger, super early 20s, a very famous and attractive man basically chased me down the street to meet me. actually, his manager got to me first. then he got to me. someone of his social status and otherwise was foreign to me, so I had my guard up. I also never cared or wanted to coattail anyone. anyhow, he got my number and we began talking. I actually lived in a different city at the time, and he was trying to fly me to see him. I said no. so he flew to see me. I might have been young and naive, but I always had a shit ton of self respect. I told him the ground rules, basically, “I am not interested in dating or sleeping with anyone right now”. I was afraid of what he was used to getting so easily, and that the potential disappointment he might have around me not putting out would hurt me. anyhow, we made plans. it was an amazing time. this was pre social media, thank GOD. there were tons of people snapping pics of us. I felt both important and guarded at the same time. people made circles around us at the nightclub we went to. afterward, we went for pizza. I made it clear I was going home alone that night. he asked me to spend the next day with him. here is where my own “bullshit” comes in. I was nervous. he was a lot for me. part of me felt like I would be totally controlled by this person just because of who they “were” and I didn’t know what to do about it. I was unclear with him about plans the next day. I think I said yes. then I slept until 3pm and kept my phone off. I didn’t know why I did it. part of me was afraid that he would think I was a fan-girl, so I played a little hard to get. the problem in the human world was that I played too hard to get. I wasted his time! he flew many miles to come see me and I basically (unwittingly) blew him off the next day because I didn’t know how to handle the situation. I realized my energy and behavior, and made an effort for plans with him for that night. he was totally shut down at that point. he didn’t say that I had bruised his ego, which I definitely had, but I know that the biggest part in the situation was that I wasted his time. he had so many other places he could be, and I made him wait and wonder. he was pissed. NOW, I understand this. I can’t tolerate it either. I don’t tolerate it. there have been many amazing young men or romantic prospects I have met over the years, but they wasted my time. perhaps for similar reasons that I wasted someone’s time when I was young. it’s not usually deliberate, but that is not the point. the point is that wasting precious time — especially when we are very successful, or we want to be — is bullshit. and bullshit and success can not go together.

flipping back to learning with my own discernment of the bullshit and success correlation…over the years, especially as a VERY sensitive and empathic person, it has often felt like death to my very being to do what is in MY best interest. I have held on to people and beliefs that only slowed me down. in each passing year, I learned new ways to lighten my load. I could not pull a 180 by dissociating, I actually had to do the work to let go of people and beliefs aka BULLSHIT. I felt guilty a lot. I also knew that my ONLY path to freedom and “success” was without the bullshit. aka fool me once, only.

I began to make progress with each bag I left behind. as I began meeting other people who had dropped LOADS of bullshit in their life, I noticed that they were at the top of their field in life. their focus was laser-like, and while they certainly had incredible compassion for others, they COULD NOT RISK the bullshit.

I walked the line, and still do sometimes, between feeling unconditional love with assorted excuses for allowing certain people/behaviors in my life, and feeling unconditional love with a chopping block action associated with what/who I know is not good for me. sometimes I really feel like it sucks to be a no-second-chance person, but it has truly created nothing but goodness in my life. I MUST always trust that. there is no sense of being “without”, because each time we follow our gut (aka drop the bullshit), new doors open. doors open all of the time, in fact — it is just a matter of which ones we are done with/have closed. I closed many. I still close many. I choose my purpose, and along with that is anyone and everyone I could dream of wanting with me.

successful people don’t have time for bullshit, and you won’t either as you become as successful as you want to be. maybe you already are. if that is the case, congratulations for navigating the system — it does not come easy.

Share:

#totd: how to be grateful for your haters


photo by Pia Venegas

know that:

1) in order for something to affect our core, we must truly believe it. this is why it is important, first and foremost, to clean and clear out old baggage (perhaps negative messages received in childhood etc) that does not match our conscious knowing of self (quality psychotherapy can be essential to helping to do this). the best reference to support this notion is the book “The Four Agreements” by Ruiz. it is one of my favorite books, and I was lucky enough to meet him in 2008. he signed my copy, I cried because he affected my life so much through his words, and then I had dinner with his son and small group that was in town for a special talk. it was fab. here is a line from his book: “You take it personally because you agree with whatever was said“. yep. it is OUR problem if someone “offends” us, only because we are the ones who believe whatever has been said. the person saying it is irrelevant, actually. they are just a messenger from the Universe. we can be grateful for that messenger, for they are putting us in greater alignment with our own truth. we might think of our haters like a special therapist who is rooting out all of the dead weeds we didn’t know were slowing down the growth of our garden. thank you, hater!

2) like attracts like. basically, a hater is a filter. a magnet for others with the same belief systems. whether or not they line up with us is irrelevant. because think of a hater like a street cleaner: it drives along and picks up all kinds of other trash and then drives away. maybe the other trash accumulates and looks ugly along the way, but eventually it all leaves together. this creates a clean slate, and an opportunity for those who love and align with our core to show up even more clearly. if a hater is publicly shaming us (one reason only for this on the part of the hater: jealousy and self-hatred), be grateful — they are unconsciously not only taking out all of the trash for us, but they are leaving behind the people who truly line up with our core and “see” us. this allows us to truly see who is who and what is what. especially since so many people are sheeple. during the filtering process, our friendships become clearer, our business relationships become clearer, and so on — because the way someone ELSE responds to our hater says it all! things have become more simple through this filter. thank you, hater!

3) nothing can destroy truth. NOTHING. a hater will attempt to destroy our truth, because they can not contend with their own; (in other words, in the mind of the hater, “if you are not real, if you are not wonderful or kind or honest or true, then maybe the hate and ugly and resistance that resides within me is not true either!!”). that is all. it is that simple. all the time. no rational person would spend their time focused upon things they “don’t like” or “don’t want” — rather a rational, healthy and progressive person will spend it on what they DO want. therefore, we must sit in our truth. no response or action is almost ever necessary. a hater will want us to feed their beast of anger because that is what it needs to survive. when we realize that nothing can ever — EVER — taint truth, we can let go. nothing can permanently happen to us that is untoward. intrinsically, all that we have ever been is all that we ever will be: our essence is unflappable — if we can be patient, a hater will highlight this notion brilliantly for us. thank you, hater!

4) we can get inspired. I don’t know about you, but every time someone challenges me with hate, I rise like a phoenix with even more strength and creativity. EVERY. TIME. no matter how hard I have been hit. of course I go through a range of emotions, but then I begin to fully process 1) 2) and 3) above. then, like a reward from the Universe for passing said tests of knowing/truth, AMAZING THINGS HAPPEN. it’s the whole “giant at the gate” metaphor. the “wizard of oz” metaphor. because like either of those examples, haters are ILLUSIONS. it is up to us to see the truth. after we do so, we are in a new energy field completely. we have dropped baggage or beliefs or ideas or subconscious thoughts that we didn’t know were there, and now we are FREE to create. an absence of what we no longer want or need is a seed of inspiration. inspiration fuels creativity, and creativity manifests in our physical world. and suddenly we are in a new place. thank you, hater!

5) we can develop deeper compassion (NOTE: this does NOT mean we invite the hater into our life. this does NOT mean we try to make nice with the hater. doing so is simply a weak attempt/excuse at being loved, at being liked, and at being accepted — all of the things we are being forced to learn on our OWN. spiritually bypassing the lesson of self-love with “engaged compassion” and contact with a toxic person is total bullshit) because a hater doesn’t hate another person — a hater hates themSELVES. this can be a tough one for many of us, but eventually we might reach a place of unconditional love (again, we can still love someone and also have nothing to do with them! a very important lesson to learn, discern, and detach with). the hate in the heart of the hater, at a certain point in our lives, is readily obvious to us. sometimes they were just born that way, and other times they just became that way. either way, the opportunity for us to develop further compassion in general is there. and the more compassion we have for ourselves, the easier it is to have compassion for our haters (because it must really suck to utilize energy that [hateful] way) and the world at large. our perspective broadens, and we are able to make healthier choices from self-love, versus fear. thank you, hater! and with that, the hater evaporates.

be grateful for your haters.

Share:

hostile envy: because there CAN’T be TWO of YOU!


photo by Pia Venegas at The Island House, Nassau

“sometimes I wish I WAS you”, she said. I was 13 years old and we were sitting at my kitchen table. “she” was my best friend.

she was more beautiful, more confident, more outgoing, more applied in school, and I looked up to her. I was in the midst of the worst time of my life, in a chaotic and volatile home environment, I was being bullied at school, and my parents were on the brink of finally separating. her words caught me completely off-guard, and they actually scared me. and the words themselves, in light of where my life was at that moment, made no logical sense to me either. at 13, I had no idea why those words would scare me — but looking back, it was my internal gps working. my stomach felt funny right when she said it. I actually felt like I wanted to leave the room. but I just got up and made English muffins for us.

that year, during the 7th grade, there was fresh writing on the bathroom walls about me on a daily basis. I feared going to school each day and going to the bathroom, because I never knew what the walls would say. I used different bathrooms that I thought the monster who was writing about me would not have time for each day. I went out of my way, a floor up or a floor down, to use those bathrooms. nonetheless, I would still hear about the unthinkable words and claims about me that were inked into certain stalls. on occasion the stall walls would be repainted, just in time for some fresh and larger obsessive writing about me. once a month or so, I would end up going to the school’s guidance counselor to voice my distress over the bathroom wall writing. my best friend would come with me for support.

after the school year, the summer after 7th grade, my best friend and I continued to spend all kinds of time together. we went to movies, we had sleepovers, and we had pool parties with one of our other close friends who I will call Sarah. at the close of the summer, my best friend moved out-of-state. I don’t remember how I felt about it, actually. I don’t remember being upset or missing her or anything. it could just be the fact that I have general amnesia for a number of things prior to my 15th year in life.

when the first week of 8th grade began, Sarah and I were in the same homeroom (I think). all I remember is what the room looked like and where we were standing when it happened: I remember saying to Sarah that it was too bad my best friend had moved, and that I was glad that the writing on the bathroom walls had stopped because she wouldn’t have been able to go to the guidance counselor with me anymore. Sarah told me, in so many words, that I wouldn’t have to worry about the writing on the walls because my best friend was no longer at our school. BOOM. in an instant, the sick feeling I had nearly a year prior, when my best friend looked at me with a dead stare and said “sometimes I wish I WAS you”, made sense. this is a pattern that would repeat itself in my life, into and throughout adulthood. I’m certain it will happen again. and, it’s ok. I’m a veteran at handling this shit now.

when I was 30, this ex “best friend” of mine reached out to me, and to another friend of mine she enjoyed bullying during middle school, via social media. ex bf had become a school counselor (irony) and lived close by to Manhattan. she suddenly wanted to reconnect. and, apparently she had seen my online presence as an actress on television — because it just so happened that she decided to pursue modeling and acting that very year! it was a short-lived and unsuccessful pursuit. obviously. I politely declined to reconnect with her. I feel bad writing this, actually. but I didn’t do this to her.

HOSTILE ENVY. it is a psychological condition, and those who experience it are not consciously aware of it. in exaggerated form, it works similarly to the movie Single White Female with Bridget Fonda. and it goes like this: like a mother’s loving gaze upon her newborn child, person A becomes that newborn and falls deeply in love with an aspect of person B (or, as their unconscious territory would define it, “THEMSELVES“). the aspect may be real or imaginary. person B does nothing other than be…person B. person A, like a person in a mirror, begins to EXPERIENCE all that person B intrinsically is. person A begins to CONFUSE the energy of person B with their own, and suddenly that mirror of all of those qualities of self that they can not access becomes THEM. person A BECOMES, through transference, person B. then, there is only one problem: PERSON B STILL EXISTS. they are still alive. there are then only two options; 1) obliterate person B in any way possible, or 2) disappear and blame person B for making them disappear.

paired with all of the things I went through as a child and young adult, the notion of hostile envy was a major complication for me. there were awful (and untrue) things I had learned about myself early on in life, and here they were again in examples of hostile envy, being reinforced right before my eyes.

a few years ago, I experienced a “grown-up” version of hostile envy thrown my way. a woman friend seemed to fall in love with me at first sight. she offered me all kinds of things. she called me an angel. she had me on a pedestal. her boyfriend hated me before he even met me. I had not yet seen every form of mental illness out there, so I was a bit slow to pick up on hers. she reeled me in, and slowly but surely I felt compelled to “return” all of her “kindness”/adoration/manipulation. let’s just say, I helped her in ways she could never, ever, have helped herself on her own. as an unwitting participant in a psychological game, I was happy to! and, like my 7th grade best friend, she slowly…became me. so she thought. of course I was blind to it during the infatuation stage, when she began to abduct friends or colleagues of mine into her life and deliberately exclude me. I found it odd, but I was convinced of her seeming generosity and innocence, so I never questioned it. plus, I was not in a place in my life where I was any longer activated by those kinds of mind games. in fact, with some compassion, I found them fascinating more than anything else – until they grew to a palpable proportion that crossed the yellow lines of my road.

like clockwork, when the mirror of me that shone all of my intrinsic components penetrated her gaze long enough, she flipped a switch. looking back, it is so obvious that she truly believed that my abilities, talents and core qualities were actually HERS. which should have been quite the feat for her to believe, considering she was nearly a shut-in when we met with zero friends or interpersonal relationships. if there are any around her now, they are introductions I made. when the switch was flipped, and she could no longer tolerate the existence of TWO of “us”, I became a “terrible” person to her. randomly, unprovokedly, suddenly and bizarrely. unconsciously, in order for her to remain “alive” and “real”, I could NOT EXIST. my actual existence was simply a reminder of her gleaming, borrowed, defunct aspects of ME — and that could not be tolerated by her.

having dealt with mentally ill people my entire life, I knew how to handle it. there were no explosions. just a deflation of her very “being”, by her own confusion and her own doing. when hostile envy is involved, there is no “doing” necessary on the end of the hostily envied; just being. like my ex 13 year old best friend, she just evaporated — with nothing left, once it was clear that I was still a real person. I’m sure it was super shocking to her, too. but all that ever was is all that ever will be. we can not destroy, borrow or imitate a pillar of core essence. so, if any of the above happens to you, this is my suggestion: unless your life is being physically threatened, don’t do — just be. be nice, be neutral, just…be.

those who carry hostile envy will always look for themselves in others, and then attempt to murder them — either spiritually, psychologically, or physically. because remember: there can not be TWO SELVES. in the eye of the hostile envy beholder, there can only be ONE, otherwise it means that they do not exist. another decent yet exaggerated film example of this transference would be The Talented Mr. Ripley with Matt Damon.

those who experience hostile envy either truly have no core (consistent and strong psychotherapy is the only way to help this form), or have extreme difficulty accessing their core. the mere sight of someone with some “aspect”, either tangible or intangible — and it can really be ANY aspect (beauty, charisma, intelligence, motivation, money, partnership) — that person A perceives themselves not to have and then recognizes it in person B can create an extreme allergy and anger in person A. how they choose to deal with it is a wild card. it might be a bad attitude, it might be a falling in love with, or it might be frightening passive aggressive behavior.

in adulthood, spotting a person who carries an extreme arsenal of hostile envy is important, and it is important to look at the on-paper “facts”; such as often 1) they have no longstanding friendships (outside of family or romantic partnership, both of which are most always dysfunctional to the max) 2) your friends become their only friends 3) they have no real resume/significant or reputable job history, and no real professional references — because they have burned all of their bridges (often through hostile envy, which can also = obsession, addiction or depression). we often never think to look at the on-paper facts, because we think it is judgemental. it is not. it is importantly discerning. that said, there can be other facts besides the above, especially with a higher functioning individual. there are also varying degrees of hostile envy, which will affect the facts, and vice versa.

if we become consciously aware of the fact that we are suffering from hostile envy, it is important to know that the core can and needs to be built, worked, filled, and TENDED to with the help of a gifted psychotherapist. otherwise, our patterns and deep pain will just repeat harder.

from a therapeutic standpoint, I am careful not to be pedestaled, ever (because truly, there is no such thing in reality. we each possess unique talents and qualities, whether we see them or not). being pedestaled is different from being shown gratitude and thanks and love for helping someone to see THEIR gifts. being pedestaled is dangerous and I feel consciously intolerant to “teachers” who need a pedestal. therefore, I share my raw experiences and personal challenges, both in writing and mostly in person. and I choose to work with (equals) people who have core selves, and perhaps they just have trouble accessing their cores. in fact, I choose to work with rather exceptional people. wonderful people. those with no core, I can now spot far away. I have been and am extremely fortunate to have the practice I have with the quality individuals I have seen and continue to see. because, there is only one of each of us.

Share: