one morning, about 7 years ago, my phone was ringing texting and emailing off the hook. my friend from DC was trying frantically to get in contact with me. it was as if someone had died.
when I finally reached back out to him later that day, I could tell that he was almost surprised to talk to me. then he told me what had happened. he first said “you were in my hotel room this morning”. I was like huh? he told me that he woke up to me standing in the corner of his hotel room that morning. then I realized his frantic need to reach out to me — he had thought that I had died! he said that my presence was overwhelming, that it filled up the entire room, and that “I” was telling him without words that everything was going to be ok – that everything he was trying to do in life would work out. the interesting thing about his experience was the fact that our relationship was not only platonic, but we almost never saw each other. we had only met in person like twice. but it was the kind of kinship that transcended physical proximity. we “operate from the same core” as he had put it the day that we met.
I had never heard anyone say anything like that to me before. I had heard other things, from boyfriends, like “your face keeps changing — today you look like xyz person and yesterday you looked like this other xyz person”. so I guess I got it that there was something malleable about me or my essence. it didn’t make me feel weird nor did it make me feel special. it was just kind of like “ok”. I don’t think the reality of “it” really resonated with me until a few years ago. when I began to hear things like this a lot.
recently I had a session with an absolutely amazing woman. she called me about a year ago at a very specific time in her life, and needed time to prepare logistically for our session. she told me that when she was very young, she was in her home town in Puerto Rico and saw a woman near the water one day. as she looked at the woman she felt tremendous peace in her heart. the woman was standing with a man, and the image and (astral) essence of this woman was burned into her memory — but she had completely forgotten about the memory until she came across my photo. she insisted in her heart that the woman she saw as a little girl was me. when we met in person, finally, she was even more sure. before she told me the story, she asked if I had ever been to PR. that’s how palpable the connection was for her. honestly, I didn’t know what to say at first. but I believed her. I didn’t know what to say because I am not consciously aware of any of these sorts of experiences others have when they have them.
my “conclusion” to the reality of it all is simply that we all operate with various electromagnetic frequencies and bandwidths. if we happen to canvass a large territory, we are dealing with many pieces of ourselves that supersede 3d reality and awareness. this is also the territory of “ghosts”. it’s kind of how I perceive energy and “know” things for my work. I see, feel and understand how energy travels. and, energy is intangible which means it is 5d. this energy can and does — constantly — travel outside of a 3d body (like the human body) and develop its own consciousness. think about hauntings, exorcisms and the like. energy can and does take on its own consciousness and sometimes it becomes so strong that it manifests into near 3d form.
when I first began to offer remote healings with my work, I was skeptical of how it would all work. at first, I focused super duper hard from my heart center to reach the heart center of the person I was trying to help. then, I realized that I didn’t need to focus at all. it was like a flick of a switch. after all, if I was showing up without any intention and people were experiencing my own personal consciousness in random sequence, perhaps all I needed to do was agree to share my energy field (we ALL do this all day, every day by the way — we are just not conscious of it nor do any of us fully understand how it works). my remote healings are now absolutely equal to my in person healings in terms of not only effectiveness but palpable experience for the person on the receiving end.
this brings me, finally, to the point of how important awareness and intention are for each of us. yes, we may all manifest in different ways for different people and we may not understand it all top to bottom, but what we think and what we feel for others is VERY IMPORTANT. if you think your negative thoughts are not reaching someone, think again. and then, consider the fact that those thoughts are rebounding right back at you at lightning speed, even stronger than you sent them out. THIS is something gravely underestimated by all of us as well, and I see how much it hurts people on a daily basis. the biggest mistake that we can ever make is to be careless with our thoughts or feelings. and if you think that is bs, consider what is standing between your cell phone and the person’s cell phone that you are texting: nothing but WAVELENGTHS. just like between two humans. you don’t have to take my word for it, it will show itself to you one way or another one day. if you want to read more about this, check out my eBooklet about the physics of karma. yeah. real talk.
the vibration and frequency of love is always stronger than it’s shadow — the absence of, or hate (which is fear — there is no such thing as hate. just FEAR). when we are made close to the vibration of love, when we do the inner work on ourselves and when we transcend FEAR (this does not mean living in a freaking ashram and om-ing ourselves to death or doing yoga to no end and calling that enlightened, thank you very much), we are in a position to share that vibration with others in a very palpable way. in this way, and in the way of sending fear, we cultivate a consciousness that reaches others. sometimes that consciousness becomes so strong, so cohesive and so cultivated, that it takes on an astral energy. and that astral energy can be perceived by those who match it. it is in this way that we can astral traveling without even realizing it or meaning to.
never in my life has there been a person or thing that rejected me and I looked back on it and said “I missed out”. it was more like “omg I dodged a major bullet and now I see how rejection was my protection”. yes — rejection is protection.
let’s back up. my earliest and only memories in life are rejection. this is a blessing and curse. the curse is obvious. the blessing is, I was/am so used to it, that on a daily basis I not only feel but KNOW that I have nothing to lose. nothing. if you start at the bottom, where else is there to go that is worse? kids were pretty much nasty to me, mostly because I was carrying around this energy signature that was so loud that echoed abuse, criticism and rejection. this is how life works – we repeat what we have experienced over and over again before we can begin and then repeat what we ARE. two very different things. anyhow, there were some ok adolescent kid experiences sprinkled in between, but never once was I actually able to feel them. I was still stuck in a tangible system that told me the complete opposite every day. the ok adolescent kid experiences could have hit me in the face with acceptance and I wouldn’t have felt it anyway. I was pretty much fucked.
by the end of high school, I had been deemed attractive by society’s standards for like a few years. maybe starting at 15 or 16. I remember thinking, what a crock of shit that these people and boys are so nice to me because of how I am looking. but that’s human nature for you. on a superficial level, I obviously kind of fit in. but not fully. I hated that it took something so superficial to make people be nice (this, by the way, is why I hid my photo and full name from my healing practice for years! I was testing people perhaps! I wanted to be liked for ME — and the best way I knew to do that was through offering them my core/content ONLY, prior to meeting. then basically wearing nearly a burka and dumbing myself down as much as possible when meeting. at least in the earlier days of my healing work). by the time I got to college, however, I was away from all that was — and the doors of actual human acceptance seemed to open to me for the first time ever. I met a ton of people, mainly girls, who just accepted me for who I was. I will never forget my college roommate experience. there I was, in the middle of conservative Boston, and I looked like a bit of a wild child. I wore pink and blue wigs on random, I went clubbing a lot, and nearly all of my adventures included friends who were not from the US. my college roommates were all conservative, nice girls. mostly from the Boston area or places like upstate NY or upstate CT. but the biggest thing for me, that I had never experienced before, was their acceptance. these girls observed my individuality and perhaps many things about me that did not fit the norm in that city at that time, and they simply accepted me. they didn’t question me. they didn’t put me down. when I walked around with my wigs or nearly naked in our apartment or basically just was ME in a way that I know was foreign to them, they just…let me. perhaps my experiences were just SO opposite prior that I am overshooting the mark of gratitude to them. but I can’t help still reeling from the impact these young women had on me — by accepting me for me. that never faded during those years. I am forever grateful. those were formative and crucial years for me, because I got to see the way the world at large saw me: a nice, interesting person with something to offer others. in my mind, at that time, if these very “normal” people were not ostracizing me, maybe there was hope for me after all! I took that feeling, integrated it, and began to run with it…
now the above initial experience with acceptance in this lifetime did not immediately fix all of the inner deficits that I experienced. I am still working on the inner. whatever forms us is what we will work on for the rest of our lives. period. but the above initial experience with acceptance surely taught me about contrast and, generally, the fact that I could fit absolutely anywhere I went. even if all of the next places that I went gave me panic and anxiety at first. which they do, almost all of the time by the way. except my sessions…not even once have I felt that. I guess I know my home 🙂
as time went on, during my 20s, I did everything I could to reverse my brainwashing that had affected and crippled so much of my life. I moved to different cities alone, once again experimenting with how the world would see me. I was almost always greeted with open arms. such a different experience to my early life and the town that I had spent it in. there was also a very anchoring experience of bringing the past into each then-new situation so that I could work out the unconscious elements of it. that was and is always the worst. so, as the surface and conscious elements of me were really working themselves out, like I could visibly fit in, there was a lifetime of deeper and unconscious work that would always be the other side of the sword. fine. that’s the way it is for each of us, the particulars simply depending upon our particular luggage in life.
what I began to realize was, just how synchronistic each experience with rejection was for me in term of cleaning up ghosts of the past and the utter defunct programming of the unconscious mind. my unconscious mind was so over having to repeat things from a decade or two earlier, but it was surely working overtime to vomit out the trash. I began to see that nothing about these present unpleasant experiences was present! these present experiences were shades of the past, stuck in the wrong dimension, coming up for review and release. when people tell you “that’s in the past, get over it, move on”, they are full of shit. there is no such thing as just the past. everything is past with present-tense facades or masks. and, if things have not been released and processed from the past, they will stay present always. comments like “get over it, move on” always come from abusive people who want to once again erase your conscious awareness of what is/was. anyhow, I began to see that all I was dealing with in the present tense was not present at all in a tangible emotional sense; that the world did not still see me the way it did when I came into it. I was still looking through an old lens, because that lens was foggy and littered still with the debris from others. this understanding and awareness was a really nice thing for me, because each time the outer world “rejected” me, I was able to see specifically who and what from the past was leaving with that experience! it was not and will never be present tense at all. rather, the past masquerading through the present. so then, what really was this thing called rejection? this thing called rejection was a series of experiences of OTHERS that I had internalized and confused with my own. there was no such thing as rejection! what a novel concept…
I then began to find a system to this whole “rejection” thing. especially in romance. here was the system: anything that I had to make happen was bad for me. yes! anything I have to make happen for me is bad for me. if I am unwilling to see this, I will perceive it as rejection. but it is NOT that. it is the Universe working on my behalf to shuffle away ANYONE or ANYTHING that just does not serve me. it doesn’t make them the devil, it doesn’t even necessarily mean that they are toxic; it just means that there is something much greater for me greater good available and I am missing it because my ego is likely trying to work through yet another shard of the past.
I learned that I can still go after what I want, but that the moment it shows resistance or force versus power, I had better run. sometimes, those things that show resistance or force return as a new thing or person, but that has to be proven and proven hard. usually we are just dealing with an old cycle if we are allowing anything that has resisted us to be in our present life. for example: this one time, years ago, I had a HUGE crush on a guy. he seemed totally perfect for me. he also seemed totally interested. we hung out under mutual pretense and made out a few times. he had recently broken up with a girl he had been with for a long time. I figured perhaps he just needed time to acclimate to dating again so I wanted to give him space. but something was off. he wasn’t pursuing me the way that every other guy I dated pursued me. even if I had been the initial pursuer. I couldn’t put my finger on it, until one night we got super drunk. we had never slept together nor had he tried and I had attributed it to him needing time. lol, most men don’t need time for something like that. anyhow, in a mutually inebriated state, he confessed to me that he was gay. he told me that he was going to continue to date women though, while secretly sleeping with men (this happens a lot, by the way!). I immediately felt held by the Universe. I had stressed over what it was that I wasn’t enough of or xyz for months. none of that was the case. I am glad I didn’t force the issue or pull out a ton of tricks to make this thing work. sometimes, if we force things and don’t listen to the flow, we can end up getting seriously hurt.
another time, there was this job in TV that I really wanted. on paper, I “should have” gotten it. anyway, I was rejected. months later, the show became an utter disaster. other actors I knew on the show who were contracted were miserable beyond belief. the credits didn’t matter anymore. nothing mattered because it was a mess. I remember being at the east river and hearing the news and laughing out loud with thanks for not mixing me up with that “opportunity”. I had not been rejected, I had been protected.
all good things that come to us do so by way of attraction NOT PROMOTION. if we are in a state of force or promotion, we are going to be constantly confusing divine intervention with rejection. if we are in the flow of attraction, we are able to process feelings of rejection and acknowledge that the tangible experience is not actually that. if we are in the flow of attraction, we are able to identify the “current” feeling that is totally out of place with time and space, and tie it back to a VERY OLD experience. if we can even remember. some trauma is so repressed that we repeat the same pattern of perceived rejection over and over and over again. this happens a lot with rape and incest and molestation survivors. but no one is really able to thrive until they remember the incident. this is also known as people who consistently choose unavailable or abusive partners. they are battling unconscious amnesia no doubt.
with my business, it is 100% ATTRACTION versus promotion. like a 12 step program. I don’t need to promote ANYTHING. I live in my truth, I state that truth, and I state what I want. and it shows up. I don’t need to offer groupons or deals or specials. when I began, all I had was an ugly wordpress site in poop brown (not a tech savvy person) and people still called me. I don’t even know how they found me as it was before I had dabbled with ad words or yelp or anything at all. well, actually I do know how they found me — I was living in pure alignment with myself. that pure alignment is the loudest antenna we have to attract what we need/are. so many people don’t get this and they work so hard at surface endeavors to build their brand — when the content is totally missing. by the law of physics this just can never, ever work out.
I want to be clear in saying that I am a big believer in going after what we want in life. we can hunt down that guy or girl and express interest, we can color our business and put it live so that people know where to find it, we can be the loudest expressions of ourselves. but the moment that we feel the pushback — the resistance — the need to force, it’s a wrap. run. run from anything that even appears to run from you. THEN, the Universe will show you the proof of your protection. trust me. I’ve failed and succeeded at that concept hundreds of time.
if you feel slighted by a gen Z or gen Y-er, read this post and then think again.
you can take a perfectly nice, “normal” and suitable individual in real life and then put them behind a phone or a computer and poof — where did that person even go?
I’m totally dating myself in this post, but the topic is definitely fascinating to me because of how quickly the internet and social media has seemed to transform humans/human values/ and definitely also dating for the Y and Z generations. I’m dating myself because I didn’t use the internet until high school, and it wasn’t even on the regular or anywhere close to it. so what did I do? I socialized. I SOCIALIZED. without a phone. face to face. also often for hours a clip over the landline telephone. no hiding and not much room for insinuations. with the only cameras being those yellow kodak ones that need to be developed at a CVS. do they even do that anymore? my first boyfriend had to call me, then pick me up at my house and actually interact with my parents. then we had to interact with each other and no distractions for hours. there were no distractions, it felt nerve-wracking always on these dates, but it was real living.
so by virtue of the fact that in my formative years the only way I could interact with another human and vice versa was usually in person, there are certain skills that came naturally to me later in life. like…being a cohesive human being. which to me, means being/doing/saying exactly what I am being/doing/saying — IRL as texts would suggest. for you old people out there it means “in real life”. but a lot of gen X and gen Y-ers are not living IRL at all. they have one personality IRL, and another personality entirely for their internet/social media/phone personas. it’s absolutely fascinating to me. I feel like I sound really, really old right now.
I was speaking about this the other night with someone who works for me. he is mid-30s. I had been messaging a younger human, a gen Z-er, that night. I found him to be a shiny penny, as I like to call it, out in the real world. and when I see a shiny penny, I pick it up. not for any other reason than to learn more about them. it doesn’t matter who they are or what they look like. the shiny penny aspect calls to me nonetheless. because they are rare. the person who works for me told me that these people (gen Z-ers) often live out an entirely different life over the internet ethers. I was like “what does that even mean!?”. then, I received some totally random messages from this gen Z-er that I didn’t expect not for a moment. it was like a totally different person than I had first seen or thought I was communicating with! and then I thought retroactively about it and it made perfect sense! every single person I have been friends with, dated or worked with born post 1990 literally has two distinct sides to them (their human side, and their internet side) — and I’m not sure they even know it. the specific notion of these two different sides, outline somewhat above, is totally different from any other variance in human behavior that I can explain as I find consistently it does NOT apply to people a decade or two older than them.
I’ve been studying this phenomenon because I am naturally drawn to young energy — especially through my work. so many of these fantastic people I see are little geniuses waiting to explode their mark on the world, while also visibly combating this strange relationship with 5d internet. they came into this physical world with a completely different set of rules and experiences regarding communication on that front, so we can see where there is no placebo effect at all — just a black and white set of difference because the common denominator is internet/social media/phone. I notice one main constant that attracts me to them, and them to me: because of the amount of information they have been exposed to since they could walk and read, they have had many wells of old soul knowledge ripped open and filled at a drastic pace (I had no opportunity for that when I was young, most of us did not, and we only missed it by a few crucial years to be honest) they are super informed, knowledgeable, creative and old souls. I love this part of them. it’s like retroactively exploring a part of myself that I never had the chance to know years ago. and I am both young enough AND old enough to have lived through and integrated the amount of information that they have been bombarded and downloaded with for that last two decades or so of their lives. the later part becomes the common denominator: information — but from two totally different realms of experience. it becomes an interesting match, as we fill in blanks for one another. it is a particularly interesting dynamic through my work. and on one hand these individuals seem SO OLD to me — because of this constant wealth of info they have been exposed to. YET, they have not had the time to integrate it at all. and therein I believe lies this temporary “split”, if you will, of self. they are managing, on a minute to minute basis, all of the info they were programmed at birth to unwittingly digest. this is so different for those of us who actually developed ourselves solely on human interaction and maybe some movies and video games. it’s a totally different animal, and personally it leaves me quite shocked each time I have an interaction that is like a wild card because I forget what this animal is and where it comes from. it also keeps me coming back to do more research, lol.
back to the gen Z-er I was messaging the other night. the “split” that I talk about above presented itself so clearly over text and I was dumbfounded. I wondered why it felt like I was talking to two people — one human, and one internet/cell phone personality. the vibes were all over the place like I have seen with a number of my younger friends in their early 20s (especially friends I love but call super-flakes — they just can’t help it, it’s truly the curse of their generation. we don’t usually hang out. but I love them from afar). I was like “who are you!?”. it illustrates this very temporarily fragmented aspect of human self which is trying to work it’s way into cohesion due to unmeasured blasts of information (internet/social media/immediate access) that I’m certain is not natural for any human being, no matter when they were born. but this split takes a while to really show itself and work it’s way back into cohesion. and I wonder what that split and cohesion will look like once integrated in the next decade (or if it just won’t happen at all). it’s a brave new world indeed.
the internet really has, in a way, crippled the social skills of gen Zs (and a bunch of gen Ys). I don’t believe that we are designed, at birth, as 3d humans, to digest and ionize the 5d wavelengths of all that we are hit with from an internet and social media perspective. it also gets in the way of how we manage socially, regardless of how much we actually do socialize. from an outsider’s perspective I am blown away at how different my personal experience is with people spanning specifically different generations. maybe I’m just writing the obvious here, maybe everyone thinks about this and already gets it. but it has only become clearer to me, as of late and as through very much study and analysis, what this all means. I’m gathering that study and “evidence” as I put it toward other endeavors. like things that can measure what is actually human and what is not. because we are not living fully human lives when we are being taken out of that experience on a minute to minute basis, and relying on that experience simultaneously.
the biggest setback I notice with the Y and Z gens is unintentional lack of empathy for others that only exists because they can not seem to line up their thoughts=feelings=words=actions. it’s just too hard having 2 different selves! one internet self and one IRL self. yeah. I notice that it creates issues for them on the job front, and of course on the dating and social fronts. there is a lot to make up for in the way of merely seeing experiences and learning from them that way, versus actually HAVING experiences and learning from them that way — which would bridge the gap for them into the space of cohesion that their soul is no doubt looking for in the first place.
my wish for the gen Y-ers and gen Z-ers is that we/they take more risks on a human and personal level, beyond the realm of text and social media. that requires vulnerable human one on one connection, electronics aside. my wish is that we/they actually go do the things that make us the most afraid. I think that is the key to this particular lock (and it is, for sure, a lock) — facing the deepest personal fears available to us. it is only in this territory that we can actually become cohesive, get what we want and need, and integrate all that we are bombarded with from 5d internet land.
where do you live? what part of the city do you live in? do you rent? do you own? what do you do? blah blah blah?
recently I was on the beach at an upscale resort. all day sitting next to me was a woman and her husband, and occasionally their 2 children came by their cabana. I had decided to travel alone. significant other or not, I love to travel alone. I need that space to think. to feel. to think and feel what is genuinely only my thinking and feeling. this makes me a better person for those close to me and for my work. anyhow, after blatantly gazing (studying) at me on and off for a few hours as I took conference calls and lay in the sun with full buns out, I was hit with a series of non-stop questions by the woman. at first I was caught off guard, and rested enough to engage with another human, so I just began to answer them. one of the reasons I had chosen this resort in the first place was to not be bothered by anyone the way I often feel bothered in New York City. by “bother” I mean mostly crowds and unsolicited conversation, but also measured, analyzed, compared against someone else’s personal insecurity or measure of what is acceptable or successful or whatever people measure other people by. I also assumed I would be free from all of that because perhaps the people on holiday at this location had absolutely nothing to prove because…I don’t even know.
where do you live? what part of the city do you live in? do you rent? do you own? what do you do? as I began to answer these questions, I realized that the woman asking them was not engaging me — she was like filling out a form and checking boxes that didn’t even make sense to me until hours later when I thought retroactively about the odd interaction. as I gave her simple answers, she began to immediately explain why she lived in New Jersey. I found it odd, at the time of her talking away, that anyone would start to tell a stranger where they lived and why. I had not asked why. nor would I. but I was relaxed, with a fabulous bourbon drink in my hand, and I wasn’t interested in analyzing anything. she asked me if I owned and started to explain why they never bought in New York City and how it was a big regret. she said that like 3 times actually. I wasn’t even sure what she was talking about, where she was going with it or why. she then went on to ask me how I knew of such a resort, because it usually only attracts celebrities and rich people from outside the US. she told me about the yachts resort guests and how they would compete with one another on holidays and how people would try to do business with others on the beach and often used it as a connection-making holiday. she talked about how ridiculous she found it. I had been at the resort for about 3 days and I hadn’t seen any of that. in fact, I saw nothing but people like me (and only one celebrity): unconcerned with those around them, burned out from work, catatonic stares at the ocean, nothing to prove, drinks and buns out. did I mention buns out? some of the middle aged and senior folks were vaping away with their sativa pens all day long, doing business deals on the beach, drinking cocktails, and playing with their children or nieces or nephews in the water. when the woman felt like she had enough information from me, she let me know that I was “still young” as she passed me off, and it occurred to me that, after her assessment, she, with relief, believed I was in my 20s (I can guarantee that we are only about 5 years apart).
I might be wrong, but I’m pretty certain that this woman, although she loves her children (who are beautiful and seem awesome) and her husband, feels unfulfilled and was looking to know whether I had decided or not to play by my own rules in life. had I told her that I’m actually well into my 30s, that my parents or sugar daddy did not pay for my time at that beach, that I am self-made, that I sold the only thing that I ever owned, that I don’t care about buying anything ever but if I do then “fine”, that I haven’t married yet simply because I chose to focus on work and self first and I can get married any dang day I like, that I will also have children any dang day I like (yes – this is my attitude for real, happily discarding norms there as well), I’m curious as to how she would have reacted. I was much “safer” – for her own peace of mind with her lot in life – being seen as a young lucky 20-something who would undoubtedly follow the herd and suffer the same fate of lack of fulfillment and obsessive comparison to others. the fact is, my reality shatters a lot of ego when it comes to women or people in general who have made life decisions from a mostly conforming point of view. because I haven’t. and I reek of freedom. and it pisses people off. but that doesn’t mean I didn’t suffer along the way dag-nag-it. like it was some kind of cake walk for me and I just woke up like this? no. the fact also is, I look younger than my chronological year because I haven’t made decisions that make me unhappy on the inside but conform on the outside. anyway, once the woman had it in her mind that I wasn’t a threat in some way, or whatever, she acted like she didn’t see me and had never spoken to me before. I sat next to her the next day and I might as well have been a ghost as she turned her back to me — direct opposition to her state of fake friendliness and grand inquisition just 24 hours prior. but, she had collected her data, entered it into her spreadsheet of false confidence, and quickly moved onto the next situation that she could size up against her life. I couldn’t believe it! are people really like that? do they know that it is obvious?
that next day, I also had a call scheduled with my therapist. vacations and holidays can tend to be a trigger for me due to some serious early life trauma that seemed to land, without fail, on every single vacation or holiday. as my therapist and I spoke about my week and generally what was happening in my life, I briefly mentioned the woman on the beach — because honestly, the experience was just so ODD. my therapist is at least twice my age. she married super young. she had kids by 21. she has lived and she has experienced the after affects of many decisions in her life, for better and for worse. she immediately jumped to fill in the blanks for me regarding the woman at the beach, and echoed this feeling I had about people and their general desperation to fit in, but then be ok with their decision to fit in by creatively rationalizing the lives of strangers. initially what came up for me during the conversation with my therapist was the thought that maybe I’m like a societal pariah with some kind of scarlet letter, somehow wrong for staying true to myself and not selling out — that maybe this whole honoring myself thing is actually like a punishable crime! I mean, people act like it is. like the woman on the beach. the perceived threat many people feel when faced with someone else’s thinking and doing based on their internal barometer versus some manual of “social acceptance” is like the wrath of hell that they experience and then spit out at you in projection. if I had a dime for each time that has happened to me…
at the end of our conversation, my therapist told me that if she were to do it again, she never would have had children. she did it because, well, that is what you did in the 50s when you wanted to have sex with a man. you got married and then you had children. I don’t believe she regrets anything at all — there is no such thing as a mistake in life. there is only the threat of resistance to the soul once we realize that we are, in fact, not living in personal alignment. that realization is pure opportunity to shift gears at any time.
this little resort experience that I describe here is everywhere! in fact, the woman on the beach reminded me of a relative of mine — this relative of mine, every gathering that was had, would pummel me with these superficially-measured questions (how much do you charge for your sessions? how many do you do per week? — instead of what happens in a session? how do you feel? what’s that like for you?). she married super young, she was very competitive, and unfortunately given her competitiveness created for herself no purpose other than to raise two children and appear full on the outside with help from her husband’s wealth. I knew better. and she was faking a happy life, withering away in her soul, and simultaneously trying to rationalize it by eliminating me as a threat to her reality with analysis and passive aggressive comments any time she had the opportunity. her end game, each time, was to get me to question my life based on my decisions, and based on her “norms”. happy people do not do that. they don’t have to. happy people care about your heart and they talk about things that reflect that. not money or achievement by way of timely relationships.
it’s unhappy or fractured humans who impose these very “norms” that have fractured and dismantled their happiness upon others. when we listen to that radio station, or any station other than our own, we then fall prey to the same fate as those who live in fear and repeat that cycle. then we find it in magazines, movies, advertising and in most social circles (except the art world — God bless the art world! — and generally speaking, New York City — NYC is the one city in which I do not feel any social pressure to do any one thing. and maybe LA too, because Hollyweird). I am here to tell you that if you are falling prey to the above — aka SETTLING — you do not have to. why do you not have to?
first of all, no one cares. seriously. they act like they care, because they care about what people think of THEM. so they pretend to care about you so that they can feel better about their own life. I can’t tell you how many people I have seen marry each other out of “well I guess it’s time” or “we’ve been together this long, so…” or “she’s pregnant!! how did that happen?” or “my family expects me to settle down by such and such age, it’s kind of protocol” or “all of my friends are doing xyz I don’t want to be the outlier” and they are so miserable years later. because they didn’t choose themself. they chose an idea. they chose to “fit in”. and there is a cost when we make a choice that is not actually ours. guess what happens when we make decisions out of conformity aka FEAR? we suffer. when we do this, a piece of our soul dies. we secretly begin to hate ourselves. we look for others who also hate themselves. so what do we do, if we have done this? what do we do if we have sold out?
it is never too late to live the life you have always dreamed of. so, what we do is we act upon our highest integrity at that moment. we get a divorce if that will liberate our soul (I have admittedly bypassed at least one wedding that I knew was not honest, one of a former friend that I knew was a sham and would end in destruction in 2 years flat due to cheating and dishonesty, but their desperation to fit a mold of “wedding” for family and friends was too overwhelming than to simply honor their soul). forgetting about the stupid “financial” consequences associated with separation. we choose our self instead. if we have children, we set the example of personal integrity, not a facade. we leave a job if that will liberate our soul. we leap and the net will appear. we end a friendship if that will liberate our soul. we spend time alone, wondering where our tribe is, and we deal with it. we take any action that we can in the direction of personal alignment (thoughts=words=feelings=actions). “it’s not that easy” — oh really? so living an entire life of lies and resentment is easier? it’s actually much harder. yes, living a life of lies and resentment is surely an epidemic afflicting many. but just because it afflicts many, does not mean that it is easier to join them. on a soul level, where there is intrinsically unlawful conformity, we suffer even when we “fit in”. so if we have decided out of fear to “fit in” and now we regret it, we can do something about it.
when I was leaving corporate America in 2006, I felt like I was dying inside. I was programmed to get a “regular” job and use my degree. which I didn’t even want or care about. I cried on my graduation day from University because I felt like a fraud to myself. this was my soul crying, alerting me to consciousness around my personal truth. I had been urged and persuaded to live a life that other people felt made them look good. so when I finally admitted to myself who and what I was, I knew that I had to do something about that. it was not easy. I turned down a major job opportunity ($$$, travel, fun, “accomplishment”) in finance to wait tables. at first, every table that I waited on, I wanted to tell them that I was smart and I had a degree and I had just turned down this major job. my ego was taking a hit, and I judged myself for that. I didn’t know who I was, at that time, without another title. I quickly decided that I would murder that ego, and simply exist as an energy, not a piece of paper. I decided that those who “saw” me would already see all that I was, no matter the on paper facts. I felt insecure at this table waiting job, I wasn’t very good at waiting tables, I felt old, and people said obnoxious things to me all of the time (like “hey! you look like this famous actress! her face is crooked too!). all of that said, I went through the crushing fear that encompasses taking the alternative road in life. most of us are just never willing to go through that death of self. which, by the way, only lasts in suffering for like a month or two! it’s not worth obliging conformity to end up spending a lifetime wondering “what if?” or “who am I really?”.
throughout my 20s, there were several significant relationships and the men wanted to get married. I felt that to do so would ruin my life. not because the men were bad, but because I knew I was still settling. I couldn’t understand how I, personally, could continue to grow and flourish in my career AND “settle” down at a pretty young age with someone who had a ceiling that I didn’t have in life. so, though I was becoming an old maid by southern standards, I knew that I was about to step into the best time of my life if I went my own way. like leaving corporate, this was also a very hard decision to make, when it would have been so “easy” to marry a nice guy who just wanted to support me and have children. I knew that, once again, my ego would take a hit as I ventured into my 30s as a single woman. but that my soul would rejoice. and oh, did it ever.
it’s not like making these decisions for one’s own soul and well-being are EASY. if they were easy, everyone would make them. but I will tell you what IS easy: the long-term. the short-term, the ego-breaking period associated with dismantling your peers’ “benchmarks” sucks. because we naturally gage differences between our lives and the lives of others. but the way I see it, is why would I decide to live an entire life of lies just to avoid the inevitable short-term ego break, when I could just break that bone from the beginning and then spend the rest of my life healing it? the bone is going to break no matter what, when we are not making decisions for our highest joy.
the same notion can be said for stupid material benchmarks that we find important or “on par” with our contemporaries (or society at large). at what cost do we constantly need to fit in? when the lady on the beach asked me if I owned (who the flock asks these questions to a complete stranger on the beach?), it reminded me of a young woman who had seen me for a session who had noted that I lived “simply” compared to what I was capable of living material-wise. I remember being taken aback at first by her perception or perceptivity, but I also realized that yes: material items and benchmarks do not matter to me. when I began making real grownup money a few years ago, I recall recognizing the fact that I could go buy a house somewhere or stress myself just to own some fancy apartment in the city. but it wasn’t important to my personal sense of luxury or comfort. I, rather, felt more comfortable donating money to animal rescue groups and other charities and projects that build opportunities for humans. I preferred to spend my money on very expensive stones to use in my healing work. I preferred also to boomerang my profits nearly 80% back into my business and hired staff to support me as I moved toward additional goals in the healing arena. I didn’t care about living in the fanciest apartment or buying something that frankly even a fraction of my healing stones and jewelry (which helped to build a sustainable business overseas) could support.
now, regarding all of the above, I would like to say that some of the best couples I know got married in their 20s and have beautiful children and they are also totally in their purpose and happiness! just because someone has fallen into the zone of majority in terms of partnership, family or material staples does not mean they are conforming. I am not, for one moment, suggesting that. it’s just that the percentage of those people, who chose themselves and also falls into the majority, is very small. and you can see it in their faces and in the way they engage. they don’t pummel others with questions to measure their personal situations, and they don’t need to compare or compensate with on paper facts. it’s obvious when someone has not conformed, yet happens to fall into a certain demographic that many people share. the percentage of these non-comformer people is small because it is inherent in the human condition to be like other people. we perceivably suffer when stand like the lone ranger. it’s not a naturally comfortable feeling. but we have a choice: short or long-term discomfort?
I am here to tell you that no matter your placement and timeline associated with partnership, family, career, material wealth or other societal suggested “success” and “norms”, you always have the choice to be true to you. I am here to tell you that absolutely no one cares what you decide to do: they care what they have decided to do. perhaps you can be the one to set the new tone by honoring yourself and breaking the rules. perhaps doing this will give many, many other people permission to do the same. and they will smile with gratitude. perhaps it is your liberation from your own conformity, no matter where you are at as a result from past decisions, that is needed to inspire others. and they will smile with gratitude. what if you are the pioneer that others will thank for lighting the way? you have permission to break the rules. I hope that my share adds to that permission. it wasn’t easy for me. it’s not easy for anyone. but it’s worth it, no matter what. I broke all of the rules that were laid out for me and now things are SO EASY. you can go your own way too — no matter what it looks like on paper, past or present. it’s always easier to feel flawed versus bitter.
I have never written about this in real time before. but I have the time and space to do so today.
as it does for each and every imminent healing session, so began the bodily alerts on behalf of the next person I am supposed to speak with and see. this morning it started in my neck and right shoulder. I felt the phantom pain enter the right side of the top of my body. it slipped into me like these alerts always do, both subtly and prominently — subtly in that I was not doubled over in crippling pain, and prominently in that I knew this phantom pain did not belong to ME. when the pain does belong to me, it has a very different way of connecting to my body. that said, there are times when I have walked around with an alert of this nature for an entire week before seeing someone in my office and knowing instantly that this was my download of information for them; when this happens, whatever pains or alerts came over me vanish the moment I see them. I never cease to laugh and be amazed by this process. when the above vanishes upon seeing someone for the first time and knowing what has been for them versus me, this is the prominent side of the knowing – even if the information entered in the subtlest of ways.
so this morning, I knew instantly that I am supposed to return a call and schedule a session — I knew because of this phantom pain. within this phantom pain is stored information, which I will explain in a moment. one of the reasons that I do not book out very far in advance, or have back to back sessions, is because of the way I interpret the information that I receive through my body; it is easier to carry, interpret and transmute one person at a time. if I were to schedule someone far in advance (which I don’t do), let’s say for example a month, I would literally carry their burden through my body (and astral field) that entire time. and, without my daily understanding of exactly what does not belong to me, it would have the potential to manifest into something that ended up belonging to me – this can never happen.
not only do I carry the physical burden for others that begins as information, but I also carry the emotional and cognitive information that reaches me in order for me to help them with their unconscious battlefield. again, similar to the physical information I receive, I have to also sort through the emotions and thoughts that present to me as information so that I know what is not mine. thankfully, knowing what is not mine is something that I have been forced to master over and over again starting from an early age. I was set up with the most trying of circumstances in order to do what I do now, and that curse has turned into a true gift that I can use to be of assistance to others. it is not always easy, as I need more alone time than the average person and probably more sleep as well. but I would not trade it for the world. it surprises me every single session, though there has never been one session where I felt confused about the information I received for someone and exactly what they were dealing with and how I could help them. I have never been nervous for a session, not even once, because of the clarity of what I experience in advance. what I receive is not an opinion: it is a knowing.
going back to the phantom pain that I received this morning; the right side of the body is male. as this information moves throughout my neck and shoulder (even as I type), I am clear that the person I will see next (I have no idea who it will be — I have not even scheduled yet) will be contending with quite the male energy of burden. depending on who I connect with and when I see them, the information will become even clearer over the next day or so. I will begin to know details about this burdensome energy, even exactly who it is and why. this information serves as a clue to potentially assisting them in understanding their physical health, and of course the most prominent aspect of this clue relates to the burden that they are carrying in their unconscious mind. when I begin a session, it’s like all of the lights on the grid pop and I see electrical currents running from the patient to each and every person in their life – past and present. the entire puzzle becomes instantly clear.
along with the physical from above, there is the emotional and cognitive — as well as the situational! yes, the situational. prior to a session, people, events and situations in the immediate life of the person that I am to see literally show up in my life. for example: one time I worked with a well known person who was dealing with a major stalking situation. that week, I also had a stalker. this person would pass by my home and office looking to bump into me, and on the day of the session my own stalker situation was at it’s peak. knowing nothing about my patient prior or the fact that they had a stalker, I wasn’t sure what part of my life was connected to theirs to simply give me info for the session, and what part of my situation was there for me to learn something specific as it relates to me on a personal or unconscious level. well, it was both reasons. it often is when the gravity of a situational alert is that strong. as far as the emotional and cognitive alerts are concerned, it can be like a cloud settling in over my mind and heart. I may feel depressed, heavy, and my mind will center around or ruminate specifically upon a particular idea; again, I have to get clear on the fact that it may not belong to me — and the minute I begin a session I see immediately that absolutely none of it did. yes, it can feel like being used as a voodoo doll for others. but, I would still not change it because I am grounded and strong and sane enough to handle it.
perhaps had I not been through so much so early on in life, broken so many times and in unthinkable ways, I would not be able to do this work. as a child, I wondered why things were such a way. I prayed for escape and abduction on a regular basis because of how mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted I was all of the time. I would go into my church’s basement and cry screaming cries, begging God to please change things. I remember screaming WHY!!?? at the top of my lungs during Christmas church services as I hyperventilated with a wet face. in my now life, I can revisit that moment and let that young child know exactly “why”. it is all for what I do now. and I am lucky. I was not supposed to be one of the permanently broken ones on this planet. I was instead given the opportunity to be one of the healthiest and strongest people I know. there was a stretch of time when I never thought that was the case or would be the case. because I was sorting through massively conditioned debris that I can still barely believe or comprehend occurred for me. and thank God for a good clinical shrink — the woman I see, nearly twice my age, actually understands firsthand many of my esoteric experiences as they relate to my work! not to mention my early life experiences.
everything we think, everything we feel, and everything we experience is all interconnected to our past present and future. all at once. each “thing” (emotionally, cognitively, physically or situationally) carries a boatload of valuable information, if only we are willing to sort through it. that means different things for each of us. but nothing is happenstance; it is those of us who dare to dig deeper, to understand deeper and think beyond the confines of what we have been told is true, who find our pathways to the most peaceful and fulfilling lives. some folks judge the quality of their life on their reputation, their lifestyle, their work success, their appearance, their “family”, their “friends” and so on — I judge mine on my measure of internal peace. I could go anywhere and be happy. alone or otherwise. it is an unshakeable peace that I now OWN. it was when I began asking deeper questions and dared to challenge all that I had been taught, that real peace came. peace is how we sleep at night. peace is how we love others. peace is the buzz we get in the middle of the day for no reason. peace is the open heart that desires to share it’s message with the world. for me, peace is how a session begins for me before I even book it.