how I stay (practically) protected with my work

if it isn’t clear already, I maintain a distance from the “spiritual” and “healing” communities. my personal experience has gathered an awareness of profound mental health issues amongst some of the bandwagon “tribes” aka groups/circles/”leaders” and meetups in those communities. it is unfortunate, as yes, it would be great if mentally and otherwise sound people could all convene somewhere. but that just has not been my experience in those “communities”. hence, my patient base is primarily corporate or real-word oriented. or thriving broadway actors or film and television actors. but, very much real world all the same. the people I get to see are not only sound, grounded and for the most part typically without any mental health issues – they are more so thrivers versus survivors; yet at the same time they have been through so much spiritually and personally and professionally.

that said, so many people focus on the “how can I protect myself energetically” when I feel like the question should be “how can I protect myself practically“? the world and our awareness is not run on intangible awareness alone, it is run on red flags and base level mental health hallmarks that otherwise “spiritual” people will ignore if they are not well-versed in the actual human world. I have a diverse background spanning a career in finance dealing with C suites, corporate America across the board in multiple industries, and entertainment production. this real world experience has served me very well. I see so many people, never having had hands-on experience in that capacity, struggling and asking me how to “protect” themselves while doing their healing work on others. typically these people who ask this question have not navigated boiler room environments in the corporate world, or maybe they went to art or design school and that’s it because they are young, or maybe they have worked ONLY in creative environments without structure and their idea of healing is going to Burning Man. all of that alternative living is well and good, but it certainly doesn’t provide a whole lot of understanding as it relates to practically protecting oneself, as there is no 3d application for it. so, if your background is very different from mine, or you were just born on a palm tree in Malibu, or your social circle is not diverse and everyone around you is exactly like you, how do you venture out into the world to do healing work and stay protected?

well, again, if we haven’t been around the block and experienced a number of different walks in life, it is going to be more difficult to spot the MANY different characters in the world, and the many different maneuvers by which they operate. being able to spot and understand people from this perspective is KEY in “protection” (I don’t care how intuitive or “psychic” we think we are — that is often a major, major pitfall in and of itself, thinking we “know better”). no, I am not talking about energetic protection. that can be another blog post. in fact, I do write about that in a post under psychic attacks. what I want to talk about here is how to protect oneself in a practical fashion, and how I stay protected in this way (nevermind the Harry Potter side of life, the undercurrents or matrix of energy and so forth!). here, in a nutshell, is how I stay protected:

I have a wonderful clinical collaborator/sounding board with decades of clinical psychoanalyst experience to support me. this person has seen. it. all. I consult with this person regularly, for feedback and confirmation on any case that pops up for me that may show a base level red flag. all of my work in my private practice is confidential, and I do not share names with the clinician. I do, however, see how my gut level knowing and understanding of a human archetype is growing faster and faster as we occasionally compare particular notes. you see, I have my approach — which explains itself in a slightly more intangible and mystical and wordy fashion — and my clinical sounding board has hers. it is a beautiful blending of both worlds. so, how does this protect me?

it is incredibly important if we are not a trained clinician, yet we are doing any kind of healing work which includes intense and prolonged dialogue, to have a trained support system in place in the event another individual tries to invade our psychic or psychological space. that space bleeds into ALL other spaces: not only cognitively but emotionally, spiritually, and of course physically. even trained clinicians and psychoanalysts have their support system, as they are at high risk for being manipulated by those with sociopathic qualities. sociopaths LOVE therapists and healers in general. they feel like it is the ULTIMATE conquest! this is why we see movies and tv shows about therapists who are either seduced or manipulated — from a psychological starting point only, that’s all it takes — and it’s a whole STORY. fortunately, I don’t have a story. I always see the flags nearly immediately, and I withdraw even more quickly. that said, I do need to protect myself…

I have only had to bounce a few situations/dynamics off of my supportive clinician. though we talk about many other things as well. when it comes to specific cases or dynamics of interest to me, I don’t even need to give this clinician age or gender most of the time — and within seconds, they are rattling off an entire diagnosis and scenario that lines up exactly with my gut intuition. we may have different languages for expressing what we see, but the line-up is incredible. I protect myself by having someone who is older than me and more experienced with mental illness and various psych disorders, to support me if I ever feel confused. by the way, if we feel confused by someone, we are often dealing with a mentally ill individual. in addition, I am fortunate, because I have never (knock on wood) had an issue of transference come up in any of my sessions, where I confuse a patient with someone from my past. I made a clear and distinct decision not to begin doing what I do, publicly, until my 30s and until I had worked through all of my “past” stuff to the point where it absolutely will not show up and confuse me in a session. I KNEW myself, first. this also makes it much simpler when I have a question or concern and bring it to my clinician. there is no “working through” anything, relative to a particular scenario as I might otherwise confuse with something from my life.

there are a number of young women whom I have helped begin their healing practices. some as young as 20. they haven’t even gotten close to the “real world” yet. though they are precocious and ahead of their time in other ways. I don’t mentor their individual cases nor would I. but, my suggestion is to 1) get your own psychotherapist or psychoanalyst to continue working through YOUR stuff and 2) find a seasoned (not a 30 year old) psychoanalyst who is adept at assessing and concluding personality disorders and mental illness, should you ever find yourself in a situation that does not feel right. this has happened to me, in the past, only a handful of times. just a handful, in the past near decade. that is a blessing. but, when I needed the support, I really needed it. make sure you can go to this person, if not your own therapist, to assist you with any confusing or difficult cases.

when we work in a healing/therapeutic (any kind of therapeutic modality) capacity, we are targets for the soulless. this is a given. they can target us in many, many different ways. that is why it has been important to me, given the fact that cognitive discussion and advising is 90% of what I offer through my work, that I have a proper team in place as a sounding board. years ago when I could not even afford a therapist, I would go to Alanon or any free programs to support me. then, I got a therapist. then, I found a clinician to support me when I had to deal with crazies and I missed the “signs” (there are always signs, p.s.). then, I got a gatekeeper and a full-time wonderful lawyer who specializes in medicine, and so on. so that I am always protected in this real-world way. this is more important than being “energetically” protected with some magic stone or whatever. though I do love magic stones, and I do certainly understand the underbelly of energetic travel! I do understand how people have tried and do try to “wear” me, take on my persona and aspects of me and live their life while I feel drained! but let’s be real, first. let’s get our ducks in a row so that we can be clear on what is actually happening on a fundamental level, first and foremost. then we can deal with the “energetic” elements clearly and effectively.

I stay protected with the team that I have in place, the team that I built, the team that I make myself vulnerable to every day or week. I started this team with no funds, when I had absolutely nothing. and sometimes the initial team failed me miserably and I felt the world was against me. but I just kept going, refining the team. and it became more and more solid. and now, with that growth, my practice has grown. and my practice continues to grow my team. each day that I learn “I don’t have to do it all alone”, I expand. and now I feel “safe” and strong and “protected” enough to take on major cases that I never imagined I would take on. and so I take them on. and they rock my spiritual world. and they actually reinforce how safe and protected I am. and so my team has been there, they are there, like a swift karate chop across the board in terms of whatever I could need legally, psychologically, logistically, creatively and even personally. bottom line: we have to be able to navigate the real world in order to protect ourselves.


we can’t be right enough for the wrong person, and we can’t be wrong enough for the right person

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

we can’t be right enough for the wrong person, and we can’t be wrong enough for the right person. that’s right. this post is kind of an off-shoot from my recent post on the fact that there is no such thing as rejection.

there is great freedom in knowing that we don’t have to be anything other than what we intrinsically are. with this, we can be the worst version of our self yet still be loved and accepted unconditionally by those who are meant to be in our life. and we can be the best version of our self, yet still be rejected and “abandoned” by those who are not meant to be in our life (even if we are in an actual relationship with them).

we are always going through shifts and changes as human beings. that’s the hallmark of being, a human being! and it is during these times that sometimes we stumble upon the unexpected, because we are not at our “best”! or, the unexpected happens and we are surprised, because we ARE AT our “best”!

for example. I once had a friend who was so desperate to find “the one” and fall in love. she went on date after date, did the dating apps, always hair and eyelashes and nail glam. nothing worked. and there was nothing “wrong” with her at all. nothing worked for her, for a long time. and so she nearly gave up. one day, she had to take a work trip overseas. there was a man associated with the trip, and I can’t remember if he worked with her or for another company, but he was there. upon landing, she came down with the worst case of food poisoning. he sat with her and watched her vomit for days from her hotel room, in a very physically disgusting and unhinged state. she was embarrassed, but too sick to decline his offer to help. this was actually her worst nightmare, considering she wouldn’t even go to the supermarket in her sweats. well, this man became her husband.

I had another friend who would only date “safe” guys. meaning, her career was off the charts, she was beautiful and smart, “had it all”. due to some unconscious and unaddressed fears, she chose men who didn’t have anything to offer her that she could not offer herself. she would fall desperately in love with these men, who she was certain were a “sure thing”, and then they would leave her. heartbroken and confused. after all, she had it all! how could THEY leave her? well, she couldn’t be amazing enough for the wrong person. and in short, she was controlling the situation before it happened so that she could not be hurt. only the joke was on her in the end, every single time, until she got it right and listened to what her unconscious mind was doing and saying. honestly, this understanding usually takes consistent therapy, which is what got her there.

I, myself, have been guilty in the past of feeling the need to be “perfect” before entering a relationship. for me, that has meant achieving something substantial in order to be loved. having some sort of “security” so that I am not too vulnerable. which of course, is complete horse shit if we are to enter a relationship that hinges upon vulnerability and support. and I know where it came from when I would go through that. it came from only being valued, as a very young being, for being of assistance — intellectually, emotionally or otherwise — to those who were supposed to be of assistance to me. so it really hurt my dating life for a while, because if I wasn’t in a relationship with the wrong person (a “safe” person), I was avoiding it altogether until I could prove I was worthy.

with stuff like jobs or applications for a home and the like, the same rules apply. there is no amount of dimming that we can do, in order to fit into that “perfect” situation. and there is no amount of glowing we can do, in order to fit into that “perfect” situation. if the situation is not aligned with us, it will “reject” us. no matter what logic looks like on the outside (logistics like finances, personal appearance, etc). if the situation IS aligned with us, it will not reject us. no matter what the logic looks like on the outside. I’ve heard amazing stories from people who have said “I have NO idea how this happened, but I just won the lottery for my green card or I got this job and there is no way it should have happened, it breaks all of the rules, it’s a miracle”.

the point is, and I heard this statement the other day loudly, re-affirming what I already know but often forget in moments of fear or stress: karma and destiny are actually stronger than free will. now, I understand that, because when I look at a person and just “know” something like “you will get pregnant and deliver, I don’t care what the doctor said, trust me” and then it happens, I am looking at their destiny. when destiny is strong, very little can interfere with it. free will is important, yes, but often that is more about HOW we want to go about the journey versus what the destination point will be. free will is important, too, because if we don’t actually take action, the Universe will DRAG us to the destination point. and that is INCREDIBLY painful. we never, ever want to get dragged. but free will is relative to how we want to experience the journey.

when we have a very strong purpose, and are to be with a certain person or in a certain place, the Universe will conspire in every single way to be sure we land in our destiny. and this is why we can’t be right enough for the wrong person, and we can’t be wrong enough for the right person. we will get shifted around like pieces of chess during the journey. so if you are concerned about your path, your dating life, or your job, take it easy…definitely, by all means, TAKE ACTION — if you don’t, you will indeed be dragged. just don’t worry so much about how perfect the action seems. the Universe will not allow you get it wrong, so long as you are trying.



throw out the labels (“friend”, “family”): it is OK to go “no contact” with anyone who can’t stop abusing you – overtly or covertly

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

it is OK to go “no contact” with anyone who can’t stop abusing you – overtly or covertly.

this might sound like an obvious one. a no-brainer. but…due to our social conditioning, it is not obvious. at least not to the mind. perhaps obvious to the heart, though. the heart never lies to us. it is our brain that creates the bullshit logic while our heart bleeds out and we suffer in all kinds of ways for not listening to it.

the biggest theme I see in my work (which is, 99% cognitive behavior talk, by the way – please note my fancy disclaimer, too, which allows me to be as free as I can be in this way with my work!) is people who are stuck in their tracks due to “obligatory” relationships in their life. many of these people have been trapped, prisoner, even developing medical conditions by way of these relationships that they think they don’t have permission or courage to cut ties with. the true destruction of these relationships is the meaning that we give to them, and that they give to uswords like “family” and “blood is thicker than water” and themes like “I’ve known this person for 20 years, our history is so strong” can literally kill us.

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yesterday my therapist and I figured out what my “problem” is. and here it is —

maybe I’m not like most people. maybe I’m not like a LOT of people. maybe I’m like no people. I don’t know. but since I was small, I forever wanted to know how I could be better. fixed. “normal”. I wanted to know how I could be a better person. I wanted, mostly, to know what was wrong with ME, because then maybe, just maybe, I could fix my surroundings. I know. heartbreaking. it brings tears up just writing this. but this is real. it’s how I spent my entire life. it is a lens that I still look through, and I fortunately now have other lenses for reference.

when I was in my 20s, I attended many alanon meetings. I remember one time, the group leader at the meeting was speaking about what HER addiction was. and I kept thinking, “what is mine?”. I had been to therapy (with seriously, some really defunct people, and a couple of good ones throughout that decade of my life) and they had asked me repeatedly “but what did you DO with all of that pain? what did you DO with that trauma?”. the looked desperately for a diagnosis for me and could never find one. I was never a cutter. I never had eating issues or body image disorder. I didn’t vomit or starve myself. I didn’t use drugs and I was not alcoholic. I did not sleep around. I had no personality disorder (though I desperately wanted one! because then I wouldn’t have to accept my reality and the others in it! because then I could actually FIX something!). as I sat in this one alanon meeting, I felt like a failure for not being able — once again as I felt all throughout my early years on this planet — to pinpoint my “problem”. I didn’t know what it was and it felt horrible. because if I could just have a diagnosis, or a tangible label, maybe I could work toward fixing stuff. but what stuff was I fixing? I remember leaving that alanon meeting and realizing what my addiction was…bending, breaking, doing all kinds of headstands that I could to fit what others wanted me to be. I unconsciously chose broken and sick people in my relationships so that I could prove I was broken. being around their brokenness was familiar territory, and it put me back into the old comfort zone of what my ego knew best: having my light dimmed, or dimming it enough to be broken enough to match another person. I was addicted to being less than, and then working out these issues in my intimate/romantic relationships. because I never chose a situation that was on par with my being. I didn’t know how. I was trained so beneath my actual value that I would go and match it in the real world, and then try to break myself further when it didn’t “work” – because obviously it didn’t match me on a core level. I was addicted to having something wrong with me. the problem was, that that was just the problem. and so I could not find a “real” problem. which perpetuated the problem.

at the end of my 20s, I decided to take a good, long break from relationships. I was always better on my own anyhow. I could go a year or two without dating, even celibate, with no issue. in fact, the longer I was alone and not entangled in an unbalanced romantic “partnership”, the higher I would begin to fly. until the pitfalls of my early life and training sucked me back into a paradigm that had nothing to do with me. and so I would repeat it again — to prove that I was damaged. so I spent a LOT of time alone. of course I saw all of my peers dating and sleeping around, and I wondered what was wrong with me sometimes, because it just wasn’t me. this time alone however, without the burden of someone else’s unsolved, unattended to, and honestly eternally unsolvable issues, was EVERYTHING. my life became stable. interesting…I removed the common denominator to the pitfalls of my life and being, and I was thriving again…

I saw a few more therapists. the one I liked the most at that time was murdered in her office one day. it was tragic. she was classy, supportive of me, and probably the second therapist since my move from out-of-state years prior, to tell me that I was not crazy: I was around crazy people. the PROBLEM was, I still didn’t believe that (the part about me being normal). I kept trying to prove that there was something wrong with me. and I unconsciously chose the worst people and situations to validate that. it was an old comfort zone, the only zone I ever knew. so, how could my mind or ego adrenaline even get itself around the fact that maybe there was another truth that I just could not connect to in the outer world? after all, somewhere, deep down, I did believe that therapist, and that is how I ended/escaped every relationship I ever had. I only saw my then-therapist 3 times before she was murdered. but sometimes, there are people who say something to us, and it just clicks. the source of the info is so important. she saw my truth. she clicked for me. but I still, myself, was not convinced on an unconscious or even fully conscious level…

as I entered my 30s, I still chose really bad people to be around. when I say “bad”, I mean those with bad intentions. users, social climbers, sociopaths even. of course I would realize who they were once situations went awry. I was not dating these kinds of people. I had ended serious and even casual dating in my 20s! so it began to show up in my day-to-day life as I began to build other things/businesses for myself. unconsciously, there I was, choosing some of the very worst people: so that I could prove that I had caused it. that I was responsible for their bad behavior. that I was the one who was unbalanced, not them. I basically unconsciously looked for any asshole I could find, and these assholes were absolutely fully unconscious as there was not a shred of self-reflection in their field, and I tried to help them or do them favors. things like getting them jobs, bringing them onto projects I was part of, joining projects they were doing, and so forth. even co-workers on little projects or a crappy retail job that I had. I kept attracting all of these users losers and plain clothed assholes. I resigned to the fact that again, it must just be me. if I kept attracting this, what did that say about me? again, I looked for my dysfunction. I went therapist hopping again. I found one out-of-state and she was really nice. but not nearly strong enough for me. she did not have the depth of insight that I needed. I felt perpetually lost and decided that I am just not a likeable person.

now, it’s not like I didn’t have friends and acquaintances during all of the above time. I had tons. too many, in fact. and, both at those times and in retrospect, of course I did: all I did was give. endlessly. like blood bleeding from a stone. of course people loved to be around me. I saw the best in everyone. I was a sociopath’s dream. I was a dream not only because I had no boundaries around my giving, but because I was trained to go against my instincts and straight into abuse, duality and danger. most of my “friends” at this time were not only fair-weathered, but they had no core true self. I began to become more and more isolated during this time and it actually felt good. it was around the time of many ego deaths and a death of self that I talk about in my eBooklets. one day a thought occurred to me, as my “best friend” at the time accused me of being selfish…LOL — she was THE most selfish person I have ever met, both in retrospect and I knew it at the time that she said it — the thought was “wait a minute, maybe my life has been inverted for me and I need to reverse everything I have ever thought about myself…what if, just for a few minutes a day, I meditate on the fact that there is nothing wrong with me?”. this seemed like a HUGE feat. and it was. it still is, and I will continue explaining why.

as I began to meditate on the above, which honestly seemed like a HUGE risk, I began to spend more and more time alone. this is around the time that I had been counseling people on the DL, and doing healing work for them, but I had not called it reiki nor had I come out of the closet with my healing practice. I basically began to see the correlation between my inner happiness and the fact that there was no one around me. I felt on one hand, amazing, but on the other, that maybe I could not spend my life in solitude, trusting no one. so I resolved to remain in solitude, and to slowly let people in eventually. after about a year or two of transition to the point where all I did was eat, sleep, do yoga, work and breathe ALONE 100% of the time, I met two ladies. one’s name is Megan. Megan is my dearest friend, a brilliant doctor who is also very empathic and can’t talk about much of what I do for work in her field. yes, the medical community is still like that. the other lady, her name is Vanessa. I met each of them about a year or so after my hiatus from society. I had been nearly a shut-in and I loved it. no one was giving me shit. I had either stopped communicating with or substantially cut down on engaging with ANYONE who made me feel bad. and I didn’t question it, and I didn’t question what MY problems were anymore, for the first time ever, at least not at the frequency that I had in the past, my entire life prior. so enter Megan and Vanessa…

Megan is someone I met at my yoga studio. at that time, I could not afford to go to yoga, so I was a work-study. she was also a work-study and I covered her shift. I don’t know how we ended up hanging out but we did. it was such a new experience. I remember one day, I was feeling down, and she just came over and sat on my bed with me. I had nothing to give to her. just my presence. and that was enough! that. was. enough. I couldn’t believe it. I thought “wow…is this what friendship is? no tit for tat, no measurement, no…judgement?”. that moment hit my gut like nothing else. it was one of my first social experiences with 100% acceptance. I knew right then and there that she was a lifer. I didn’t need to do a song and dance for her to like me, and I didn’t need to solve her problems. she didn’t need to show me off to her other friends and there was nothing outwardly or superficially important about me to her. she just wanted ME. we are friends to this day, even while she has spent the last 6 years working overseas with occasional NYC visits. actually, I think she is moving back soon…

also around the end of my hermit solitude phase (I still have them by the way, this phase was just simply marked with a brand new chapter, and nearly none of the old souls in my life carried over to this day), I also met Vanessa. Vanessa also happens to be a doctor! in fact, I met each of them while Megan was in medical school at NYU and Vanessa was applying for a medical program in AZ. one day, I was sitting in my then-favorite coffee shop where I spent a LOT of time thinking and writing (and getting hated on) and getting loved on. I offered to move one of my belongings for this young lady sitting near me and we locked eyes and began talking. that was it. she met me at the biggest transition ever, to date, of my life. it was similar to spending time with Megan: she wanted nothing from me but a true, soul connection. like Megan, sometimes she would come over and just listen to me, and give ME advice and support. like Megan, she was pure. devoid of jealousy, bitterness, comparisons, and anything similar. my body felt light and relaxed and I didn’t have to try to smile if I didn’t feel like it. any potential resting bitch face was not met with resistance or attitude. she just knew my soul and accepted and supported me. we are still in contact. she saw me transition from the throes of housing court and no food to having a thriving business that continues to expand every single week. she is genuinely happy for me. she did not feel inadequate when I posted about my excitement and success for my business when I came out of the closet over half a decade ago. she will probably read this and definitely give me the thumbs up.

the two women above, Megan and Vanessa, were instrumental in helping me to redefine my personal worth, identity, and NEW NORMAL. it is also not an accident that these were the energies present in my life when I came out of the closet with my work, with my actual name and photograph — because my practice has been nothing short of that same exact energy. my practice is the greatest blessing in my life (besides my cat). ha. my practice is everything, and even when I get scared about getting “bigger” and saying “yes” to being “out there” publicly, I know that nothing — nothing — can damage what it is. because it is me. my internal being. all of it. with all of this said, it became easier and easier for me to work on my “problem” — which was, figuring out what my “problem” is…

although my practice was and is the ultimate dream come true, something I give and take the ultimate form of inner peace from, I was still encountering pure assholes in my day-to-day life in acquaintanceships and people whom I kept trying to help. I write about the technical aspects of this in my eBooklet about why we are attacked. so I had totally licked the romantic part of my life, and the “never ever again” moment that I had in my 20s has never been again, but I was still coming up against old familiar responses in the general outer world. and, like a chicken-egg snafu, either choosing people or being chosen by people to help and then get stomped on. the old unconscious patterning of being convinced that it MUST be something that I was/am doing ensued again. and so last year, when I decided that because everything was going SO right in my life and I wanted support as I crescendoed — with a new therapist — I decided I would go back to addressing my “problem”: trying to find out what was wrong with me based on others’ reactions. you would think I would have had that figured out already, right?

well, in a sense I DID have it figured out. I DO have it figured out. I know this on a strictly intellectual level, and it doesn’t linger long when I’m in the “problem”. but it’s something that I would like to be rid of forever, and know FULLY on an emotional and even newly unconscious level. and recently I got there. and that is not easy, as my adrenaline has been running on the same fuel of BLAME and guilt since the day I was born.

over the past year, and this past year of 2017 specifically, something happened. not only did I begin therapy consistently, but I attracted more Megan’s and Vanessa’s — in my personal and career sector. nevermind my practice and my patients, that/those are DIVINE. but my ME life — what I want, where I want to go, who I am, etc. those who are helpful to reflecting back my core, my truth and my value. those who want to help ME, and see ME succeed. what also happened, as a compliment to having these NEW people around me, is that I had a healthy and powerful sounding board for my understanding of self and those entering my field. so when my lifelong “problem” popped up (I will tell you again below what it was/is!), there was an army of sound, sane, wonderful people around to keep me on track.

my “problem” has been a rather intense reaction from others. my entire life. it’s separate from me having been a rescuer or saver or God complex individual in romantic partnerships or past friendships. something that plagues me, nearly daily, is unwanted responses from others around me. these others are not usually strangers, but they are not always friends either. they are people I see on a regular basis in passing. who just can’t figure me out. and for some reason it’s important to them to figure me out. you know how it goes: people generally do not like what they can’t understand. they are also people/3rd parties that I meet as significant others or what not to people I have a connection to. or, they are acquaintances that I have tried to help and inspire. not friends, and not patients: but present enough to notice. in short: they just don’t like me. for no valid reason in particular (I’m finding out). my entire life, and up until this year, I have been hypervigilant to accommodate someone’s response before they respond (PTSD much?). I have been hypervigilant to smile, mirror, or do whatever so someone would not feel whatever it is they feel around me. I have been pathologically apologetic. to avoid my “problem” — other’s reactions. but we know that’s not been the real problem. the real problem is the fact that I still believed that there was something that I was doing to illicit said response or behavior from someone else. this was my glue. the ego adrenaline in my DNA that said “if you don’t blame yourself you will die”. because that is how I began and lived my entire life. and I am excellent at helping others through my work who have been in the same position. and I can explain it all intellectually, like any of us can, but living there full-time has been a challenge in terms of really, truly and 100% believing and feeling that my very presence is not defunct.

so yesterday when I went to therapy, I had like 5 real-time debbie downer examples to share with her about the insanity I was experiencing with other people as of late. I went in partially convinced, again, that I might need some fixing! I asked her – begged her – to tell me if I was haughty. or arrogant. or…something. anything. and however, even before the therapy session yesterday, I was already on the brink of full-breakthrough into the land of no more fucks given. so before I get into the appointment —

I had been walking with my gatekeeper, late at night before my latest therapy appointment, down the west village neighborhood blocks. I looked up at the sky and asked him to please tell me if I ever had a diva moment. I asked him if I ever appeared to be full of myself or rude or anything like that. he nearly laughed. “no”, he said. then, he told me something ground-breaking to my awareness as to what my “problem” is. we had recently been in an elevator, looking at new rental space for me. as we were going up to view the space, the real estate broker said to about six of us in the elevator “this is our prime unit. it will go incredibly fast”. my gatekeeper told me that I unconsciously — and that he knew it was unconscious — looked up from the email that I was sending, tilted my head (sans side-eye), and just looked at this broker with an awareness that he was full of shit. and then I went right back into my email. and he was right — I had no memory of my unconscious response. my bs radar was alive and well, even while I was engaged in another thought. I guess this type of active radar is obvious to others. well, the guy was totally full of shit and the unit was shit. so I guess I don’t mind my radar and I’m glad to know it is there, and this might possibly help to “explain” others’ responses to me. I will not apologize for my natural sense of truth and what my body does or signals around that.

back to my therapy appointment yesterday. there were so many examples as of late, of negative and unfair responses of others toward me (including those I have tried to help on a personal level — no good deed, y’all!!) that I was again in my old sickness, assuming “I did something”. or “I am this way and it needs fixing!”. so as I unloaded the 5 recent examples with my therapist, we went through every checklist possible and she spelled out what I already knew intellectually, cognitively, consciously: this is about other people. if you have read my other posts, you will see the very first thing she ever said to me on our very first day together, knowing absolutely nothing about me: “another person’s obsession with you has nothing to do with you”. pretty astute, ey? yeah, I found the right therapist.

and so all of the events leading up to this week in particular finally allowed me to unhinge that remaining 1% of me that still believes that it is ME who is affecting others, and responsible for their response: through forgetting to smile, through poor mirroring or whatever the Fuck it is people want from me. I think I have been pretty solid at being unapologetic now for a number of years, but my “problem” was still there, in the basement of my mind. and maybe it still is, in the tiniest fraction imaginable. but something broke this week, for good. I had too many people acting shitty toward me, again for no reason that I could fathom or figure out (and believe me, I tried, and asked) to ignore what I was supposed to learn: another person’s behavior has nothing to do with me.

the crux of all of the above was and is a survival based chemical inside of me. that is all. it is different for each of us. there are a lot of factors. too many to count how it manifests for each of us.

I asked my therapist for a full explanation as to my “problem” again, one that I have heard many times, and one that makes me vulnerable to share here, as to WHAT people respond to with me. and here is what she gave me. it’s nothing I didn’t already know, but maybe I fully accepted it recently. she told me that my “problem” is that I am transparent. that I can not lie. that my face and my body language can not lie. that my energy reflects back truth, like a child, and most people are not comfortable with the truth. this sounds a lot like my eBooklet about why we are attacked. but, just like a first-class therapist who goes home to her wife-beater husband every night, truth sinks in at different times and different levels. cognitively, emotionally, spiritually, physically and otherwise. I think I heard it in all spaces of myself this time. I thought about all of the people I see, in spaces like yoga studios and places where people are supposed to be “awake” and who just do not like me. and I hear about it. and see it. and feel it. and I do not have the energy to get them to like me. because I don’t know how to be fake. my “problem” is basically, bottom line, that I don’t know how to be fake. and my bullshit detector is naturally on over-drive, and I can’t fix it. I also can’t change whatever electromagnetic equation or signal my body or field put out to accommodate someone else’s personal sense of security, and I can’t make myself ugly enough for someone else to feel attractive. that, of course, is base-level 3d shit, but it does amaze me how people respond to physical appearance (I wish we were all blind, that would teach us a good lesson). I thought about the “friends” I hire for projects only to have them secretly resent my success and ghost me while trying to maintain relationships with MY hard-earned introductions. talk about hurtful, daggers to the heart. I thought about the spore of where all of these patterns, across the board, come from. and I decided to take a real risk: stop asking what I am doing wrong. stop analyzing, worrying and looking for a diagnosis in order to spare my conscious awareness of someone else’s deficits. I have to let them be what they are without looking inward anymore as to how I might be causing abc response. maybe I’m different, and, like my therapist said, I may never learn to lie or fake it with my energy field. and if that’s my problem, I do not want to fix it. I remain unapologetic for being the best person I know how to be, and letting others lose their shit if they can’t stand my truth. let them.

I write this from an open and (obviously) vulnerable space. as I write, my stomach feels queasy, because I am releasing lots of final threads of beliefs, feelings that accompany them, and the shitty people who have jumped on those threads of energy. I write this from a space of compassion for anyone else who doesn’t blend, can’t blend, doesn’t know how, and lives from a space of purity and non-judgement — only to be judged constantly by others. I write this from a space of advice, given my personal make-up: be willing to let people not like you — hate you, even. be willing for there to be something gravely wrong with you (there isn’t). be willing to, just for a moment, imagine that what I am saying is true. if you do it enough, you will step into a power few will ever know as humans.

my problem has been and is, thinking that I have one. that is my problem. what is yours?




fertility challenges, pregnancy success, and my amazing patient Nathalie / (founder of “Fertilust”)

photo copyright Nathalie / Fertilust
“About 6 weeks after starting this blog, I got pregnant.” — Nathalie
when I work with amazing people like Nathalie, and they are facing roadblocks, it is because they have a purpose that is trying to make itself known. that purpose is different for everyone. for Nathalie, I saw it clearly — she has a message to convey, both spiritually and tangibly (through sharing her story, experiences and ongoing thoughts on her journey that will help others). I knew that the minute she was able to blow past the intrinsic fear that we ALL face when it comes to being vulnerable enough to be who we truly are (this shows up in different ways for different people — please see my other blog posts which detail what this looks like across the board), she would get pregnant. putting out a blog, putting who we ARE on paper, with the goal of helping others and building a business or brand is not easy. but Nathalie did just that. I never saw any medical roadblocks with pregnancy for her. it has been the same for the others I have worked with (and each had difficulty believing me, until of course they conceived) in the same capacity of fertility challenge.
when we “listen”, when we can realize that it is not just about US, but rather all of those whom we could impact, and when we honor ways of thinking that may be foreign to us (basically total trust in the Universe), the “impossible” happens. it is not easy to get there, but that is nearly always the initiation: ego death on a personal soul level, and rebirth. there are over half a dozen women now, whom I have worked with, who faced extreme challenges with pregnancy — and all of them are scheduled to deliver between now and the end of this year. very different people, very different situations, and all 2017 births.
please check out Nathalie’s other new baby, Fertilust.
stay tuned for my interview with Nathalie (she will be interviewing me live!) on all things fertility, intangible, spiritual and otherwise related.

how I know when I’m about to “uplevel” again aka expand in both joy and purpose (my “warning” signs!)

I have made it my consistent and daily practice to put into my body what I want to become (life!), detox my body through exercise and sweating and stretching, and focus only on that which I want to bring into my reality (hearing, seeing and feeling). therefore, I tend to flood my system with greens and raw juices, plenty of water, vitamins, raw foods (I could personally care less about gluten and really don’t know exactly what it is) and fresh air. I drag myself, even when it’s the last thing I want to do, to hot yoga – so that I can release whatever is gripping at me to stay stuck in whatever moment. I meditate both during hot yoga, at night, and in the morning. I’m actually not a great meditator in the traditional sense — I don’t sit legs crossed or whatever, zoning or oming out for hours at a clip. I just zone out, often with my eyes open, with no stimuli at ALL, for as long as I feel comfortable. and I will talk to my guides (whoever they are!) out loud. I focus only on what I desire, for the most part, when it comes to “entertainment” (tv/film) and people. there is enough focus for me on helping people through my work, and I try to less and less do that in my personal life. all of the above has taken years for me to develop so that I can live my best life, every single day. even when I am having one of my worst days.  so, when I have the extreme urge to break my rehearsed patterns of above daily wellness (in my body, mind and spirit), I know that something is about to snap/change when it comes to my current/old reality…

there is a giant-at-the-gate notion involved each time we change/better our self/life. this is why it is “easier” (short-term, only!) to remain in the same place — when we go beyond that, we are met with resistance, and that resistance is annoying. this is why, when we “change” or grow into alignment with ourselves, people who we were used to communicating with on a regular basis (even the barista at starbucks!) seem to evaporate into thin air, or find their way out of our life. we are actually shifting dimensional realities, and when we do that, the people around us also change/leave. but there is something that happens before all of that change which shows up in 3d form. before we can actualize that new goal, or meet that person who is better for us, our unconscious and ego adrenaline pull to keep us “safe” in our old ways will actually over-activate and try to auto-pilot us “back down”. for me, here is what it often looks like:

I will crave horrible foods that make me feel mentally and physically sick. processed candy (by the way, I do eat whatever I want when I want, no restrictions except for animal products), lots of coffee, alcohol (more than my usual occasional-if-ever intake), heavy carbs (empty energy with zero nutrition or “alive” qualities to it) etc. I will notice that, out of nowhere, I have all of these physical pulls to stay “grounded”. it’s like my higher self has a plan of its own to keep moving me forward in life and career, and my ego gets freaked out by it. in conjunction with putting things into my body that typically make it and my mind feel yuck, I will also have cravings for bad reality tv. in addition, personally I can’t stand the tabloids, don’t read them, won’t buy them and think they are generally evil, but I will find myself clicking on an article on social media that I would otherwise not even see or look at twice. because the vibration is so, so low. I won’t want to work out, and I won’t want to call anyone to work with them for a session. basically, I fall into a void space — and during such, as I have been there many times over, I recognize it for what it is worth now. and I have to negotiate with what is trying to keep me “safe”, safe from moving “too fast” to the point where I don’t even recognize my life. the thing with the ego is that it tries to repeat anything it sees or is used to in order to protect the mind. when it senses change, it grips to anything it can to keep us level. in order to experience a gravitational pull like that, we have to consume (internally and externally) 3d density. basically the opposite of anything containing a higher frequency or resonance where we would shed some of that 3d “grounding”. I say “grounding” like that, because ultimately these 3d things do NOT ground us; but it is the illusion of the ego that calls us to “stay” where we are. as I go through this process, my higher mind is alerted to the fact that I am about to have a breakthrough… that “thing” I want, that person I want to meet either professionally or personally, etc, is nearly in plain sight. I can nearly see, feel and taste my new 3d reality as a result of the changes I have been making internally and in 5d for however many weeks/months/years. just before that change comes the darkness before dawn, and my system seems to crave everything that negates my regular routine and what I gain from it.

it is during this giant-at-the-gate period of time that we can get lost in the meaning and significance of it all. we might judge ourselves and wonder “where all of our hard work went” and we might feel like we have taken 3 steps back. but, soon enough we will see that with 3 steps back we are also able to take 4 steps forward. that extra step is where we were subconsciously trying to arrive for however many weeks/months/years with our efforts similar to mine which I have outlined above. if you are falling into a space of confusion after putting in so much effort, and seemingly moving closer and closer to your new best life (there will always be a new best life! we are humans, we thrive on contrast, and it is not always material but rather spiritual and emotional), please know that it is temporary. our ego can only handle so much change at once, and so it is trying to protect us.

many of my patients quit their jobs or leave relationships shortly after a session with me. one of the reasons is that, when they get into greater alignment with themSELVES, they can not un-see. they can not un-see where it is that they are capable of being personally, professionally or otherwise. I have simply become the ultimate reflection for them during our session, because our higher self calibration is similar enough for that to be the case. once we see who we TRULY are, we will never forget it. this is why children of abusive parents, who do not match their environments ONE BIT, seem to rubber band into wonderful success so quickly and oppositely to their experiences. all that is, can not be destroyed; only tampered with temporarily. eventually all that is, will be. even if it takes an entire lifetime to actualize. that said, I see that in each and every case, the people I work with experience the same resistance that I do before they “uplevel” aka expand in both joy and purpose. and this resistance is an illusion –  not something that we will stay in for long.

for example; right before someone leaves a job for greener pastures, somehow everything in their life might explode. their coworkers might seem cuckoo or go cuckoo on them, they might get really sick, they might feel unbelievably irritable, they might feel pulled toward substances, and they might be confused as to why (though they will certainly note the onslaught of rampant “change” and discomfort) — after all, they understand their spiritual and logistical practice toward desire, yet everything that they are experiencing and doing seems to negate the path to that desire. this is the ego, sensing change, like a dog would sense a tornado — and that ego has one job and one job only: to keep us safe! — by repeating patterns it KNOWS (the ego does not know or care what is “good” or “bad”!).

I write this post today because it is relevant to my current “reality”, and I know that the people I have worked with will relate. I’m in another personal push, and I feel something amazing coming — something new amazing. there is already lots of amazing. but there are new levels of what our mind can process and live in — and a new reality is on the horizon for me. had I not been through this process already hundreds of times in the past (in fact, I go through this process many times per year!), I might confuse it with backsliding. I might even enter a short-term “depression”. lots of people go through this kind of giant-at-the-gate experience before they have a breakthrough, and it can confuse them longer than it needs to. the key to this process is no judgement of self, and acknowledgement of the fact that something newly amazing is on its way. even if the present moment is uncomfortable. in that present moment, the ego will negotiate its “safe” and familiar algorithm, with the new reality that is coming by virtue of all of the daily work of the mind/body/spirit to accelerate to a new 3d reality.

I know when I’m about to “uplevel” aka expand in both joy and purpose when everything has been going so well and I suddenly feel like crap — and oddly want to foster that state with equally negative external influences. it’s not a phase or a simple “bad day” or “bad week”, but rather the ultimate experience of contrast, alerting me to a new reality presenting itself. my practice with this awareness now, though, is to acknowledge it for what it is instead of trying to stop it. if I can observe the process, rather than become it, and hold on long enough without going down the drain, my new reality will present faster. this, obviously, requires tremendous trust and faith in the Universe. it gets easier and easier each time it happens. when you have been on the path of change for a while, and things have been generally positive, know that it is not normal for that to always be the case. in order to expand again, there will be more contrast to face. it is our both challenge and success to face it without confusing it with something else.


Melissa’s Video Testimonial for Healing Elaine® in New York City

MELISSA. Melissa has been in sporadic and lovely touch with me for the last two years. one thing I would like to make clear about her testimonial here is her mention that we have been in touch — I have not counseled her or offered her any extra work beyond her initial session. it sounds like it, but that is because she is one of the most gracious and grateful people to walk this planet. in fact, Melissa asked nothing of me after we met. it is rare that this happens, and I actually encourage those I work with to reach out as much as possible with needs and questions during the few weeks following. anyhow, Melissa’s reach-outs to me actually came in the form of notes in the mail, a couple of lovely and unexpected and meaningful gifts from her travels, and loving updates that were brief and positive. what amazes me is that how someone who asked so very little of me has felt my world of support within them. this is what I hope and pray for, with every session, no matter how much we communicate afterward. this woman here has a heart of gold and she is also a teacher – as she explains in the video that she unexpectedly sent to me last night.

the best thing about her video is her explanation about the journey/path…it is an unpredictable one, and it is surely worth it. the other best thing about what she says is that there is someone for every one of us…indeed.

thank you so much Melissa.


Suzie’s Video Testimonial for Healing Elaine®

Published on Aug 2, 2017

the beautiful, in every way, Suzie. what a pure joy of a person to work with. this was such a great session for me also because Suzie is so super accountable. she has been doing her “work” for a long time on her own, and she is very self-aware. it just makes our work together that much more palpable and quantifiable. every time I got to speak with Suzie for a remote or whatever, I always got a huge smile on my face. thank you Suzie, for being SUZIE, and for this honest share. as most would guess, it’s not easy to share personal truths publicly, even if the truths are shared in a general sense. it is always my hope that each person’s share inspires someone else to think outside of the box about their inner work and life and the potentials that exist – we are more than what we see and hear with our human eyes and ears. there are ways of opening and doing things that we did not learn at home, in school, from society, or from our therapist. it’s important to keep looking for what will connect us most to our deepest self, whatever that may be.


psychic attacks / how energy works THROUGH people / and the fact that the ONLY power is LIGHT.

photo by Weimin Wang

I will begin by stating the obvious: dark is the absence of light, and nothing else. if that is not obvious to you, then let it be. it will change the way you interpret people and situations in life. essentially, there is no such thing as darkness.

that said, there is a consciousness of energy alone. this consciousness, in 5d form, can take 3d form. when this happens, there is a container: typically a human (on occasion however, we hear crazy things like possession of dolls and inanimate objects — I won’t go there in this post as it will digress greatly). as the absence of light/love exists in the ego realms, humans are natural containers for a range of energy — ranging from light to “dark”. in order to survive, one must either 1) break their ego and access light from within or 2) refuse to break their ego and access light from others. there are variances and nuances and grey areas throughout the human race in terms of what we carry at different times and why. however the fundamental and basic bottom line remains: there is no such thing as dark.

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