what I used to do when I didn’t know what inner peace was (until it became my constant)

the very first time I got a flash of what I will call inner piece was when I was about 14. I have no idea what happened. it was my freshman year in high school, I was laying in bed with my window open, and something hit me: I felt…good. great. heavenly. not excited. not full of energy. just…good. I will never forget that moment, because my baseline feeling was otherwise completely opposite, all of the time. I will never forget that day. more than anything about that day, back then and in retrospect, I was…bewildered. it was such a new yet somehow recognized feeling.

the next time I got that feeling was less out of the blue, there did seem to be an explanation for it (my life had changed that day) but it was also equally unforgettable. it was my very first day of college in a new city. I was only a few hours away from the area in which I spent my formative years. but everything around me was new (at least in this lifetime). after I was all checked in, maybe in my dorm room for half an hour and settled, I sat on my bed in a semi-upright posture. all of a sudden, I felt that feeling again from a few years prior…good. I don’t/didn’t know how else to describe it other than “good”. it was indeed a foreign feeling. as I felt this, it almost felt scary as my survival adrenaline was formed with the opposite feeling – fight or flight. so I sat in that small dorm bed, nearly upright, and as I did so, it felt like weights were dropping off of my body and legs. it felt — like my patients describe before during or after we work together. I fell asleep, nearly upright, and I can recall the tremendous silence and inner peace I felt. “this…must be what normal people feel”, I recall thinking. I fell asleep for maybe an hour, tops. when I woke up, I heard the sounds of kids my age playing games in the courtyard. yeah, no one was on their phones and there was no social media. it was like being actual human. when I woke, I remember thinking “oh my gosh, that is what inner peace feels like”. it did not last, but the time I had with that feeling was…everything.

it would be another few years before that feeling came back again. I was maybe 24, 25 tops. I was out with my friend whom I considered super spiritually advanced and way more together than I was. he was about 13 years older than I, had a fabulous apartment down on wall street, and we had initially met in another city during the most very difficult time of my life. he was always like this older sage to me. we never dated. he treated me like such a fantastic lady, inviting me to meaningful dinners and to stay at his place whenever I made plans with him in the city. I would wake up in the spare bedroom to use the bathroom in the middle of the night (5am), and he would be doing kundalini yoga in his bedroom after just a few hours sleep and several drinks. he was the spiritual dream, in my mind! something unobtainable for my own experience. he told me it was simple, but I could never hear him. anyhow, we had been out one night. and…it happened again. all of the sudden, the room got quiet (we were in a very crowded nightclub). and it hit me. my heart felt warm and fuzzy. I had never done any drug except THC, and I certainly had nothing in my system that evening except some vodka. I was afraid that someone had roofied me, because I felt so good. the feeling was so good to me, that it scared me. again, this was not some excitement or energy boost — it was more like a high that came from my inner core. I don’t know how else to explain it. it scared me because it violated what my ego adrenaline was still running on at that point — fear. fight or flight. but I could not escape the power of this feeling. I let it flow up my body and it was too powerful to resist. after about 10 minutes, it was gone. I had a fun time with my friend and went to sleep after.

a couple of years after the 3rd experience above, I was on a tv set. I realized what that feeling was, because I was neck-deep in “spiritual” and metaphysical study. it was my kundalini rising. but more important, it was profound inner peace. it freaked me out to feel it, and it freaked me out that it freaked me out to feel it. during this job on the tv set, I texted my friend from the nightclub experience whom I had once viewed as a guru (simply by the way he lived — now, I see how much we have in common and it makes me smile). I asked him “do you know what kundalini energy is?” and he said “LOL! that’s the energy I have been sharing with you since the day we met!”. I was…wowed. of course! so, but, how would I ever hold onto this feeling? what was it, actually?

I continued on my path, of forgoing “opportunities” like tv and film contracts and finance job offers that would give me a “safe” and “predictable” life. they also forwent me, believe me. I would have taken them, if my direction in those spaces were stronger — and they would have taken me. but it was not. spirit wanted me elsewhere. so I said no and those close to me thought I was crazy. I never intended to pursue the good feeling from the 3 examples above, as I just found them to be flukes. I did not fully understand what that was. but, I did understand that I had to follow my higher self and not my brain. and, I DID know the difference. I ALWAYS knew the difference.

as I followed my truth and my path expanded (through much hardship), something happened again. it was right around the time that I said “yes” to the Universe to come out of the closet and do this work publicly (something I so, so feared and did not want to talk about to anyone, not even my closest friends). but my higher self said yes before my human self, and so my body felt the resonance of that “yes”. I was on a train one year. going back to the town I spent 4-18 years old in. my body began to feel…high. I knew what “high” felt like only because I had taken pain killers at one point for surgery. again, it was not an excitement and there was no emotional or psychological association with anything. rather, it felt again like it emanated from my core and my body was buzzing. “oh my gosh it’s happening again” I thought. this time, it was clear what it was. I knew my path, and I knew my internal work. “this is what inner peace is”, I thought. I could have nearly cried. I felt it for a whole hour, the entire train ride north. and then, after that day, it began to happen at random times. at a coffee shop, at night when I was praying, when I was with someone whose higher self was really connected to mine, or even in the middle of a very crowded and chaotic scene in new york city. it kept happening at randomized times and durations. this was inner peace. I could not even believe it. it was everything I hoped for as a little girl, everything I knew MUST exist in my outer world, but nothing I had experience with. this felt like heaven. heaven on earth.

one of the reasons that I was never experimental with drugs in my youth must have been an inner knowing that I would get there naturally. there is nothing wrong with experimenting. it’s just that for me, with my path, I like to experience concrete shifts sober first. it hit me that there was nothing from outside of me that could create this peace.

and so it began my mission to take all of the adrenaline that I was conscious of my entire life, and break it up with inner peace. I wasn’t sure of how to activate it at will, so I decided to begin trying. it became especially helpful during my absolutely most difficult times (right before and during when I came out of the closet with my work publicly). I was shedding a lot of abuse, ptsd, thought patterns, neurological wiring and so on, that had NOTHING to do with me — but was rather conduited THROUGH me. I wanted out and away from that which was never inherently mine, yet I still had not made the association that what was “mine” was indeed, so very different from my experiences with the world.

anyhow, with my overactive mind in tow, I decided that I MUST experience inner peace again, but this time at will. I felt like my life depended upon it. I had no idea how to start but what I recognized, was the fact that I was addicted to fight or flight. plain and simple. my body and mind knew no other way. so, what would it be like to not feel like that? well for starters, it would be a huge RISK. so the first thing that I had to do was RISK the fact that I may be hurt, if I indeed induced peace that did not come at me without my will or control. so I sat in this coffee shop I used to go to and I thought, “what would it be like if I risked feeling peace — no worry, no nothing, just joy — for 30 seconds?”. it sounds like it should be easy, maybe. but it wasn’t. I actually had to risk part of my life! our lives are built upon whatever keeps us safe. what kept me safe was being on guard and ready to run and hide at any time. so, oh man, this was a risk. of course my cognitive mind knew there was no physical threat or risk involved, but my adrenaline knew otherwise. I had to negotiate the two. so I sat with my coffee and I jumped off the cliff. I risked joy, an inner peace “high” during which I thought of nothing but how good I could possibly feel, for half a minute. I did it. it felt like the biggest risk ever! but I would be back. I would do it again. and again.

and so the next day I went back and did it again. and repeat. I began to establish inner peace. I knew what it meant to undergo a deliberate and active ego death (please refer to my eBooklet on ego death for more).

and now on a daily basis, this has become my attainable norm. it is not always unconscious inner peace that I experience, but it is more common than it is not common for me. absolutely the opposite to my early life. I have had to practice not looking over my shoulder, shuddering at noises or people’s facial expressions, or the possibility that something scary will happen to me. I risk that, every day. I risk the adrenaline that my body is still ridding itself of. and now I do an amazing job at it. and the work has taken time but is so worth it.

we all face training — from our early environment, to societal conditioning and so forth — every second of the day as it relates to our ego getting fed in order to prepare and survive. but we must buck that conditioning with what we need, not what has kept us in order. I suggest always to each and every one of you to consider “risking” your inner peace for less than one minute per day. this is different from meditation. this is less than a minute during which your fear goes out the window. I know what a risk that is. it is a time during which you only feel the life that comprises your body and being, or that of your children or pets. it is source energy. pure and loving in form. do not get down on yourself if it feels too difficult — so many of us are conditioned to literally stay alive on opposite feelings. but this is reversible with focus.

inner peace and the awareness of the possibility of such (despite natural daily challenges since I don’t live in the middle of a remote island in Thailand) is now constant. since yesterday is a memory and tomorrow has not happened (yet…it is ALL happening at once! sorry to freak you out with the contradictions — please see some Neil DeGrasse Tyson stuff on timelines for more on this!), the only reality we have is this very moment. seize it when you don’t know what inner peace is and want to find out.

this is what I used to do when I didn’t know what inner peace was (until it became my constant). p.s.: completely blissed out with inner peace as I write this.

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change is scary for everyone – including me. here is how I handle part of it

photo by Pia Oyarzun

when I got hit over the head by the Universe this summer, forcing me to end my one-on-one sessions as they have been, I was excited and also somewhat in no-man’s-land over it. it was the same feeling that I would have after college, in between jobs, wondering what my future would be…

when change is coming for us, it means we are secretly desiring something “more”. it also means, we have a DESTINY. destiny is not debatable or negotiable with the Universe. our souls make contracts. whether you speak this language or not, it’s true. please believe me so that you can believe in yourself.

in my case, I was desiring to help more people and trying to find a way to stay physically and otherwise healthy doing it. I always desired this. and so when one chapter of my format ended, it ended loudly. the Universe is always loud with me, but it doesn’t show up with Unicorns and faeries — it shows up with big thuds and ugly personal lessons. yup. so, that pain in your body that no one can diagnose, that rash that won’t go away on your face, that relationship that won’t progress, the relationships that are falling apart AGAIN – those are the THUDS of the Universe speaking to you. it’s just that we find it hard to listen.

with change comes a death and rebirth. for me, it starts out with some kind of a mild “depression” or lower mood. I find it hard to get out of bed. I feel physically and otherwise unmotivated (this was part of August for me, and spotty since then, but a lot of it is what I process for others). I have also been through this enough times to recognize it for what it IS, not what it is not. what it is not, is a depression. it is a CALLING. and so, I allow myself to feel bad. these are the things I do to handle change, that comes in the form of unpleasantries (that we confuse as something ELSE):

  1. recognize I’m not alone. recognize that everyone else who has found their purpose in life, or made something great, went through this transition in the form of mental and physical lows. this is imminent! I’m not alone. I’m not alone. not. alone.
  2. do my best to feed my body LIFE. low moods often make us want to fill ourselves up with dense, unhealthy and chemical-filled substances — to match our low moods. our physical wants to match our mental and vice versa. so once I am “over” the possible matching of bad chemicals in mind and body phase (it tends to be a phase before every great change), I hydrate. I eat raw live foods. I SLEEP. more than usual. if I can only control my health in terms of what I give to myself, I do it.
  3. move my body. even if I am too “low” to hit the gym, I stretch.
  4. take pink salt baths. the benefits are endless and it helps our bodies match our minds in a better way.
  5. burn ionizing smoke like sage or palo santo or red crystal incense. yes – this helps. A LOT.
  6. I pray. a lot. I ask for a message to make a certain decision. often I have fear about moving forward, for fear of what “could” happen. so, I pray to leave it in the hands of the God of my understanding. then I pray to listen. I write down what I want in the form of true intention.
  7. I pay attention. to weird things like numbers and signs and synchronicities. this is where my pre req books are helpful, ps. i.e. dancing the dream. when we learn the language of the Universe, we can communicate our life with it better. for example: the other week I was praying to know whether I should move forward with a certain opportunity. I was scared. everything about it scared me, and I was afraid of being judged by the Universe if I messed up. I met with a friend in central park and asked my guides to show me. at dinner that night, my waitress brought the wrong check and ran my card on the wrong table. it was for 85.85. instead of being upset, I knew it was a message. I looked up those numbers. it answered every piece of my question about moving forward that I had been wanting to get clear on. it can be hard to open to things we can’t see or understand, but, it’s just a language we have not learned yet. this is also known as FAITH.
  8. I journal. what am I really feeling, what am I really afraid of? this is an obvious one. but we often do not take this action when we feel “stuck” because we are afraid to release the block that feels like it’s part of us.
  9. I consider saying “yes” to things I have deliberately said no to in the past. for whatever reason. like collaborations with others. things that I normally would not invite into my life because I have a certain “way” of doing them.
  10. I remember that anything that comes easy is not worth it. our society is so freaking lazy. emotionally lazy — IT DOES NOT WANT TO *FEEL*. I don’t want to be part of the lazy collective, too lazy to feel. so I deal with the pain that comes with change. and the scary parts of it. I consider my alternative, and I let myself be scared and vulnerable. the wall between my current reality and my new one is destructible with vulnerability.

so, kind of a short stream of consciousness. here. but I write it because so many of us have things inside of us that are just on the brink of breaking through. our “stupid” ideas etc are not stupid — it is our fear that makes them stupid. if we can recognize and implement some of the above, it will help us through the change that plagues us with resistance, fear, etc.

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why we are waiting to be perfect before doing xyz

photo by Pia Oyarzun

this morning I woke up and read the lovely Juliet Tang’s recent article here on twitter. it inspired this post here.

most of my life, I have been waiting. now, a lot of that IS in fact my understanding and intuition of divine timing. I have been forced to learn to be patient. but, some of that, is waiting for some part of me or my life to be perfect before doing something.

what is interesting to me, is that this pattern did not present itself in my life at ALL in my 20s or prior. I wasn’t focused on perfection at all. in fact, I was a total underachiever. I think I was dealing with SO much internally, that all I wanted was to live in the moment. and that girl I was, well, she did a fabulous job at living in the moment! all she wanted was OUT of anything that was unhappy, volatile or sad. she traveled alone, she moved around alone, and she was fierce and fearless. she probably went to too many nightclubs and drank too much too often, but she lived in the moment. she wasn’t concerned about leaving the house without a manicure pedicure wax hair color or having hit the gym that week. she just…did. all of the time. this, of course, had is hazards, but for the most part, it was beautiful because she was so PRESENT in her behavior. I recognize that a lot of that was also the brain’s way of detaching from and avoiding serious psychological and other trauma. so, it had its benefits and also its setbacks.

I noticed a switch at the end of my 20s. I’m not sure of the day it began, but I remember being on an important phone call with a very close friend of mine since my early days on this planet. I was about to turn 27. I had been to every nightclub, I had gone to all of the stupid parties, I had always acted IN the moment. I never really thought about the future, even though I KNEW I had a long-term plan, if that even makes sense. my friend in that phone conversation suggested to me that I stop socializing and focus on what I wanted to create in life. this felt difficult to me, because I was always GOING — going and going and going. clearly distracting myself from things I didn’t want to process, but I was unconscious about that part. so, I took his advice. that is the one thing about me, the person I was, and the person that I am today: when someone I respect gives me advice, I TAKE IT. and run with it. my body and mind recognize truth and I integrate it as fast as possible. so I stopped chasing a moment socially. I turned inward. I continued to do all of the things that brought me to where I am now, and they certainly expedited my journey because I was finally LISTENING to my inner most self. yes, I did miss picking up and leaving on a whim to go somewhere to just “live” in the moment. but I had done that already. as I went inward, somewhere along the lines I also forgot to live in the way that I used to be so good at. in some ways, it was absolutely necessary and part of my process. but there needed to be some balance. the merging of my old world and that new world took a lot of time and awareness. I was afraid of being so carefree that I would be irresponsible and forget my mission. but, I also realized that I had become a fraction of that “alive” person I once was. where was the balance?

I realized the last few years that I have often been waiting to be “perfect” before doing xyz. it’s been an odd realization, because the “me” that I was for so many years did NOT give a flock! I mean, truly not at all. I never had a plan, I always went with the moment, I didn’t care what I wore to parties or events, I was always just ME. but the most recent me, in these past few years seemed to be holding back. and then it hit me that…we don’t get younger. and that started to freak me out.

so, why? why would I wait to be perfect? for the same reasons that we all hold off on things: fear of something. for me, there have been various fears. and some of them are so, so stupid to me. for example: I would hold off on going on a date because I hadn’t touched up my hair color or cut it and I didn’t feel on point. or I didn’t have time to get a wax or pedicure in the summer. are these actual reasons for not going on a date? or, was I not doing those things because I was afraid that my life would maybe be “too perfect” because then I would have to move forward if I did them? it can be very chicken and egg at times. I also noticed that I was “waiting” to do certain things until I moved residences, or until I properly decorated my residence. until I cleaned my windows. so then I wouldn’t clean my windows. so then I had an excuse not to go and do something, because I had to clean my windows. but then I wouldn’t. LOL! I know I am resonating with many of you here. when I moved into my last apartment which had a working fireplace, I waited like 2 years to get a proper screen for it – so instead I blocked it off with a mirror. every day, I would look at the mirror, and wonder “when” I would get a proper screen for it. in some way, it felt like an excuse for me to hold myself back from moving forward. and it was, indeed, a metaphor. part of me, somewhere, was waiting for either myself or “things” to be perfect before doing things – both big things, and small things.

I would hold off on joining community events like museums and gatherings “because of xyz”. it was always a subconscious excuse just to not live my best life. deep down, I was waiting to be, in some way, more perfect so that I would be accepted at those events. which sounds so crazy, because the rational and logical part of me KNEW I was perfect the way I was. I’m not going to go into the mechanics of the unconscious subconscious and conscious minds here, because that is not what this post is about, but this “waiting game” thing does work on all levels of our consciousness.

on a day-to-day basis, I still find myself waiting. despite all of my actual rapid and tangible movement in the outer world. and the reason is typically from a place of not feeling perfect enough to do something. my mind will create reasons as to why right now is not the right time to go to a retreat I want to go to. my mind will create reasons as to why I should not finish writing more books right now. my mind will create reasons as to why I should not enjoy my day at the park, because I have not solved enough problems for the people I have worked with for the day.

all of these reasons, these reasons for waiting, are excuses to prevent ourselves from being as happy as we can be. in my earlier years, before the time of my “switch-over” late 20s, I was so desperate to leave unhappiness that my mind dissociated from anything that remotely resembled unhappy. but, I was able to live in the moment. of course that is not sustainable though, that kind of dissociation, and so I chose to integrate all of my imminently integrated psychological worlds. but if we do that for too long — ponder, deep-think, reflect, and that is ALL we do — we miss out on the present-tense child-like states we once had. as we become conscious and “wake up”, and we realize that we can not dissociate the way that we did when we are younger, it just takes more work and introspection to bring that healthy child-like piece BACK. we need BOTH parts of ourselves. not one or the other. and so, on a daily basis, I wake up and write down what I am avoiding doing that day. what am I putting off? who am I putting off meeting? why? the excuse of not being good enough in some way or ready enough is really just our personal way of being afraid of our personal power. this post is not about WHY we are afraid of our personal power, and I can elaborate on that concept in another one. I have elaborated on that concept in other posts. but consider the bottom line: are you waiting to be perfect in order to do xyz? why?

remember your best moments in life? you were probably ALWAYS unprepared for them. I remember one year, during my many year stretch of solitude and introspection. I had been celibate for like a year or two. which probably sounds crazy to most people. but that’s besides the point. this one summer, I was “stuck” in my own head and process. a friend called me and she invited me to a play. I hadn’t been to a play or done anything like that in at least a couple of years. I was definitely in a shell, not “living”. just in my own head, all of the time. but I went to the play. while I was at the play, a man I had a huge attraction to but had not seen in a few years reached out. we had initially met years prior when I had a boyfriend, so we never got together. we kept in touch after my breakup though. this man was only in town for one night from out of the country, and I had great respect and admiration for him. I felt that if he lived here, we would be together for sure. so I met him out after the play and we sang karaoke all night. I had not been on a date in a while, and to say that my lady parts were very Game Of Thrones is an understatement. my legs were a forest, and yet it was summer so I was wearing a long skirt. my hair was not washed in days and I was wearing my beach hat from earlier in the day. my toes were unpedicured, and I don’t think I could have afforded one during those days. to both my excitement and horror, we ended up deciding to spend time together that night. so there I was, one of the most fun nights of my year, and I was a disaster (by my standards) to be intimate with anyone. and yet it ended up being the most fun night I had in such a long time. it’s a moment I reflect on and laugh about, but it is a moment that showed me that when we wait (because we don’t feel good enough — and that was my theme that summer), we miss out. I am glad I did not miss out on that moment.

what moments are you “preparing” for, either mentally, physically, emotionally or otherwise? there really is no such thing in terms of living in the present tense. I think what we are afraid of, is not being inadequate or imperfect, but rather the fact that there is no such thing…and so if there is no such thing, there is a joy that possibly scares us. we live in a society that thrives media-wise on fear and disappointment. let’s challenge that ego adrenaline that keeps us in suspension and risk being imperfect before doing any xyz thing that we did not do yesterday.

 

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hallmarks of the modern day malignant narcissist

I have written about this before. but here are some fresh and refined points for you.

I use the word malignant here, because there are obviously various degrees of narcissism. I think the word narcissist has been over-used, misused, and unfortunately diluted in terms of importance. and understanding the hallmarks of a malignant narcissist is, indeed, important for many.

those most penetrable and impacted by a malignant narcissist are those who 1) are vulnerable — they need something. money, a friend, or some kind of support. they may range from vulnerable to desperate also depending upon the circumstances in their life at a given time. 2) have been abused in the past. grown adults, who come from abusive situations or family dynamics, are more susceptible to having their reality distorted. a malignant narcissist can spot this MILES away, and use it to their advantage. for one example, if the narcissist is a man and he spots and knows of a female with serious father issues (absent, never in the picture, abusive), he will pounce and try to assume part of that “role” to go undercover — all the while with serious motives. he need not even date her. he may pay for her lifestyle (so that she can never leave him, so that he always has an unwitting ally aka unwitting participant in his schemes).

a malignant narcissist almost always comes from a very abusive past. sociopathy and mental illness usually work in tandem here. they may refuse to speak about it, or act like things were perfect growing up. they do not want you to have any information about them, so that they can shape-shift in and out of your life seamlessly. if you do think they had a great childhood or that they have many friends or healthy relationships, you will never meet them. they keep everyone at bay unless they are plotting some disaster (so that they can save the day and blame someone else). and contrary to popular belief, malignant narcissists are not always class president or the CEO – malignant narcissists are often so aware of their darkness that they work in the dark to grab the light. they will be seen — only to a degree. you might question why, with all of their talent, they are not further along — inside, they really do not want to be. the threat of exposure is too great. and so they will never let anyone else take the reins, or collaborate, which is needed to expand personally and professionally. they are always in control.

I am not puling info from other sites or people on this post, this is born from my own experience through my extensive work with humans and the human condition, and my own unfortunate but thankfully very brief experience with malignant narcissists. please note here, I am not talking about mainstream narcissists, I am talking about the most severe – those, by the way, go the most undetected. a malignant narcissist as I refer to here is different from a regular Joe or Jane narcissist, because their strategies are extremely elaborate and their takings are grand – far grander than your average narcissistic human.

the hallmarks of the modern-day malignant narcissist:

  1. they always have a story that makes you feel bad for them. it could be as simple as “my spouse or job is abusive, but I can’t leave”. then, you will find yourself building them up, trying to support them emotionally and otherwise, thinking they need it. they don’t. and believe me, they are getting things out of that horrible spouse or horrible job. malignant narcs ALWAYS get something out of nothing.
  2. they will groom you. of course they do not jump right out and show you who they are. they never, ever want that to be the case. so they reel you in. the flatter you. they offer you things that you can’t find a reason there would be anything negative attached to. by the way, this is a horrible boundary for a healthy human – healthy humans do not go over the top to win over other healthy people. this grooming period might be the honeymoon phase in either a romantic or work relationship. as they are grooming, they are scheming.
  3. children are important to them. children carry the highest vibrational energy. the malignant narc may not have their own children, but they will be involved in some way, with children — either caring for yours, or, pedophilia or child-porn. there will be odd connections or some connections to children.
  4. they do not have close relationships unless they control the person with money or “gifts” or promises. they offer something for nothing. it seems unconditional. it never is. the average person may be overwhelmed by their kindness. this, of course, is backed up by their non-stop sob stories that make you feel bad for them or sensitive toward them.
  5. they get to know your weaknesses, and then they try to plant seeds to question yourself. this is where your background comes in — how far along are you in your personal healing to know the difference between good and bad boundaries?
  6. they are puppet masters. they LOVE to cause drama. they live for it. but, they do not show their cards in that arena. instead, they gather groups of people only so they can destroy them later. since everyone they tend to gather is susceptible to their games, they are too weak to see the truth and will often turn on each other. they don’t know any better.
  7. they are extremely weird with money. they pretend to have no attachment to it. however, it’s the one thing they care most about. their desire to appear humble is an agenda. often times they are flat broke because they are supporting other people in some way — to control them or gain something from them. since a malignant narc can NOT form real relationships, they must either buy them or manipulate them. those without a moral compass of their own are easy prey, because they think they are getting a “deal” from the malignant narc. the joke is always on the person with no moral compass or a weak one.
  8. they desire to build and destroy things so that they can catch you when you fall. whether it is planting seeds, bringing in destructive people in your life to then save you from them, or something else, the motivation is to ALWAYS look like the hero. the one who you can confide in when it all falls apart. except, it was designed to fall apart.
  9. they will always give different versions of the same story to different people. it just depends upon who is listening. if you talk with others who are mutually acquainted with the malignant narc (by the way, they rarely have long-term relationships, they do not last, as they always back off when they are about to be exposed and move on to new prey), things will not line up. facts will not ever match. but, again, if you have weak or no boundaries or struggle with your own history of abuse, you will not care. you will crave the seemingly good-hearted, giving and manipulative malignant narc’s explanations and smear campaigns of anyone who has started to figure them out.
  10. they occasionally slip up — meaning, they occasionally choose the wrong person to try to manipulate. they confuse kindness with weakness on a large-scale. typically their spidey senses are strong enough as to where they do just choose weak people. but on a rare occasion, they encounter the unfortunate experience of crossing the wrong person. as they encroach upon exposure, they will either disappear completely, change their path, or work extra hard to snuff out the truth.
  11. they are often fascinated by the metaphysical (because they possess no real power of their own). I once met a malignant narc who was SO intelligent. they had the education, they had worked for a big 5, yet they had all of the hallmarks above. they had formed an entire fake company pro bono whose donations went to THEM to fund this fake company. there were people from MIT and Harvard on board this fake enterprise. I was the first one out. it was FASCINATING to watch this person lie to themselves and others (keep in mind, we don’t have to be stupid or weak to fall prey. and if we are not, we will begin to see through the person. and this is also when they change gears — fast the person I refer to here left the country for good). and, back to my original point, they were absolutely fascinated with “magic” and “power” and the metaphysical. it was surprising to me, given their formal education and background and nerdy appearance. but, I work in an intangible realm and so they were a magnet to me. they wanted to figure out my inner power, which is only actually truth. and the ultimate power comes from truth. the ultimate force comes from the opposite.

a malignant narcissist will take everything from you. that is their desire and core motivation as they have NO CORE. you will be shocked and then left wondering how you could have missed the signs, how this possibly could have happened. it happened because they puppeteered your reality and with falsehood from the moment they met you. everyone around them has a different version of their reality and the truth, and so the aftermath (after they have taken everything they can from you) is devastating.

I hope this is helpful to anyone even questioning a situation. the thing is, if you are questioning it even 1%, you are right. it’s just likely that you have to admit OTHER things in accordance with seeing through the veil of illusion of the malignant narc.

it may take some time and stress if you are caught in a web of a malignant narc, but believe me — once you see through it, you will never be indefinitely stuck in another one. once you rise from a situation like this, your personal power grows 3-fold.

much love to anyone caught in the above, and good luck! just be honest with yourself – that is the real crux of the dissolution.

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the reason we do not heal, and the reason we fail: aversion to the truth (our own, and that of others)

 

recently I had a lovely session with a beautiful soul who works in Hollywood. it had been a couple of years since I saw her for a session, and she saw my post about closing off the one-on-ones as they have been up until now. we each shared some personal updates and I told her about my recent decision to broaden my work and with certain people. this led us to talk about the fact that in her earlier days of ascension in her career, both she and those very close around her (very visible public figures) kept stumbling upon the worst situations and people ranging from agents to managers to pr to literally everyone (entertainment is a very, very desperate place to work unless you actually own yourself, regardless of your title). this is something I hear often from those I work with in her position, how just before things finally “worked” for them, they were nearly certain that everyone in entertainment or whichever said industry was an asshole. and the thing is, that’s not true. not everyone in entertainment is an asshole — there are actually truly amazing people who take into account not just their client or co-worker, but their surrounding entire LIFE. their family. their future. and they often become family. what IS true, however, is the fact that the majority of individuals on our planet do not live in their own truth – and those of us who do will never survive relationships with those who do not. we will go through situations over and over again until the Universe says “it’s time” and “you have learned” and “you have healed” and “you have succeeded” and that is when things are seamless in the form of authentic everything. we stop “failing” in the same ways, because we are willing to see the truth and actually live in it.

there will always be hard work in terms of bringing our purpose (be it a desk job at a 9-5, a cashier job at a fast food chain, or CEO of a fortune 500) to its greatest potential, but what we are working toward is HEALING and not failing due to the perils of our own aversion to truth. what does aversion to truth look like?

aversion to truth is actually everywhere in the outer world, it is just not at the top (when I say top, I mean realized peace, alignment, balance and hence “success” of heart and mind in work, personal, and goals — this is relative in terms of the physicality or it or what it might look like on paper, but quite often it does also look “big” on paper) of the mountain. the fundamental difference I see between those who heal/make it versus those who flop and fail, is those who are willing to see the truth (about themselves and others) and those who are not. this is tricky territory, because there are neuroses of all kinds that prevent people from seeing truth. for example, if someone is trained to run toward deceit and danger, that is less of a choice and more of a lesson to see more clearly the next time. and they have a shot at healing and thriving. however, if someone is trained to run toward deceit and danger AND they know the truth after they have done so, yet out of personal weakness they make the same choice, they have chosen to fail: they have chosen fear over truth. fear is the need to fit in. fear is force, not power. fear is lying to ourselves in order to feel good about the decisions we make. fear is not being able to stand alone or walk away from a situation that is not right, simply because it is not right. what I notice about the all-stars I come across in the outer world is their ability to navigate what is right and just at all costs. since not all of us can do this, many of us stay stuck – forever. ruminating in self-manipulation and manipulation of others.

the other thing is this. the Universe tends to have mercy on those who do not know better. it tends to have zero mercy on those who do know better. we are stepping into a time and space now when the Universe does not care about personal insecurity or weakness in terms of making choices that absolutely violate our core. this is different from being a sociopath or a serial killer, when the pieces of consciousness are so absent that there is no recognition of what violates or does not violate the core. when we know better and we do not do better, it’s a wrap. there is always time to turn things around if this is the way that we have been living. but very few do. because: fear. which = pride which = ego at its worst.

I think of all of the people I have seen who work in upper but still relatively middle-tier finance or consulting or fashion (gulp) or entertainment jobs — it is actually a necessary daily strategy and exercise for them requiring human manipulation, just to survive, in those environments. how awful! and, how curable… if only it was known that those games were reserved for those who will never, ever break through. instead, because of weakness and fear, that is overlooked and the unconscious veil is drawn until someone gets sick or something serious happens to wake up. it might be debatable, but the entertainment and fashion worlds are the worst, because the scent of desperation and superficial bullshit is the currency for most. but as I look at the difference between persons A and persons B across the board, the fundamental difference between those who heal or “make it” and those who ruminate until they are old and grey, relying on working with people they secretly despise and think they have to manipulate, is aversion to truth or recognition of truth. if we are able to be honest with ourselves, there are actually NO BLOCKS in life. I have literally — mostly not in my practice because I attract people who generally are NOT averted to the truth — witnessed people taking and doing jobs (that they could easily walk away from) with people they can not stand, just because they think it will take them somewhere. or, even worse, just because they want to be liked. how backwards is that? it does not work. it implodes. it is like a child molester in a family that the family would rather keep secret than heal, and so the band-aids are placed over and over and over again until something cracks so badly or publicly that things are never the same again for the entire family.

lies do not sit well in any human body. they may do so for a while, especially in the case of a sociopath or serial killer where the lies mimic such truth that the body actually feels in alignment. that requires some serious human mind fuckery! but for the rest of us, those of us who know the truth and even say it, but who sell out just because we have the delusion that our fakeness will get us somewhere, well, nothing can heal that. so why keep trying?

aversion to the truth can be a natural reaction for a number of reasons. maybe our early lives were so dysfunctional that being fake and manipulating other people comes naturally and feels like breath. or, maybe we have surrounded ourselves with people who have no moral compass, for so long, that we truly do not know the difference between them and what is actually possible for us. if we have a natural aversion to the truth for any host of reasons, we always have an opportunity to know that things DO indeed operate differently in other walks of life. like at the tippity top of any industry, FYI. also, please keep in mind that the “top” is also only the “top” when it is relative to absolute inner peace and honesty. not all titles are created equal to truth.

the most powerful people on the planet, the most feared, are those who have nothing to lose because they live in truth at all times. they may not be perfect. this is not about being “better” or perfect! but they live in truth at all times. they do not lie to themselves or deceive themselves. THAT, is power. and THAT, requires vulnerability – something so few seem to want to risk. those who heal and succeed are self-reflective, they constantly accept criticism and work toward self-empowerment, and they do not work with people they claim to not like yet behave oppositely – maybe they did so at one time, but found out that another reality exists, and so they worked to live in it. they are raw in their truth, and it may not be popular. but it is, indeed, powerful. all truth is powerful. it is just a matter of whether or not we are willing to be alone or not. the greatest fear of man on earth is…being alone.

so, what will you do? I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I will be alone, as alone as they come, until every single person around me lives in their truth. does that sound impossible to you? then there is some great work to be done.

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last call for one on one sessions / general updates / change / new expansion stuff

photo by Pia Oyarzun

as stated on my facebook page recently, it is last call for any and all of my one on one sessions. I have been alluding to this change for over a year, because I wanted for those who truly wanted to work together to have time to prepare. now the time has come, it’s a wrap, that format. if we have spoken and you needed more time to prepare, it is now or never. as in this week to sort out a date and time. I know I won’t get to everyone but there are beautiful practitioners who have been through my session and as a result birthed their own healing practices.

change often finds us when we are subconsciously (meaning we know it but don’t really take concrete drastic measures to address it) open to it or looking for it. last summer, 2016, I had a burning push in my gut to expand and I did not know what it meant. after a lot of gut searching and “listening”, I knew that I was supposed to say “yes” to a press opportunity or two. I was scared, because, well, what I do is not something I have ever been comfortable being “out” with. I was afraid it would go horribly wrong and my practice would be ruined. of course that did not happen. but the burning push in my gut was trying to tell me that I had expanded beyond the confines of what I felt was perfect as it was and especially since I was so content with how brilliant my practice was going. I felt like “nothing is broken, so why fix it?”. but the thing is, when the Universe has plans, it will tap us on the shoulder with a gut feeling or it will drag us. last summer, though I felt restless and like I wanted to burst out of my skin, I did not get dragged. I listened and said “yes” to a couple of things even though they freaked me out. I also said no, as usual, a lot.

then this summer, 2017, something happened again. that burning gut thing came back. just before or around the time I wrote the “leveling up” post. I had just said “no” to a few things that would have put me/my practice way more publicly on the map, and I definitely believe I made the right decisions. you see, the Universe will test the heck out of us to see where our allegiances lay. mine exist only in what is the greatest good for all. at least that is what I pray for. I was so afraid of doing something wrong, that would somehow dilute or tarnish what I have created — an amazing platform of incredible individuals who I have had the most spiritually intimate experiences with. it’s a fine line between bringing certain awareness of the intangible and “spiritual” to mass attention, and exploiting such. what I have begun to realize is, nothing can tarnish what I have done and continue to do, because I always ask and look for the greater good involved. for someone who was too afraid to use their name or face when they began their spiritual work, you might imagine my ongoing fear with going all out. anyhow, what I know is that if I get on my knees and ask the Universe or the God of my understanding or my higher self for assistance, and my intentions are pure, only good can come. and the push that I felt this summer was like none other to make a change — expand. I knew it was not one of the one-off “opportunities” that I said no to this year, things that would simply put my name and image and practice name on some meaningless pop culture map. but I knew it was still a mainstream direction. I fought this in my gut, hard. so many fears came up. here they are below:

my whole life I have suffered from pathological guilt and pathological responsibility for others. so much so, that it has made it hard to function at times in the ways that I am otherwise destined to thrive. so as I considered the various opportunities for expansion that were presented to me this year, my mind raced around how if xyz happened then it would be my fault. or I would be blamed. my whole life I have also suffered unbelievable betrayals. so that, there, was like huge for me. the theme of helping someone and having them stab me double-hard was there. the theme of being born and betrayed in the most outrageous ways since I even had a memory was there. it was a real ego death moment for me throughout this summer. “if I do X, will Y still happen!?”. now, I am willing to risk a lot. my emotions, my pride, etc. but one thing I have not been willing to risk is the practice that I have built. the thought of it being tampered with or controlled in any way, well, I would rather die than have that happen. the work I do is my core, my soul, my everything. so as I was getting this major message to go in a broader direction (all avenues of which are directly at my fingertips), the fear over losing absolutely everything (um no, not money! lol. I’ve couched surfed and had no food many times, and I’d go back to that in a second before selling out the only thing that has ever mattered to me — my practice and this work), you might imagine the spinning my mind did and the fear it created which sounded and continues to sound “logical”. but that is what fear does. it sounds TRUE. it feels true. it’s…crazy. and it’s of course what I excel in teaching and healing in my sessions/work. so there’s that, above, from this summer.

and then I landed. at the conclusion that I have to leap. and I landed on the pure, solid fact that nothing and no one can ever take away what I can do. my intrinsic abilities will be there no matter what. my core will be there no matter what. I may not make perfect decisions, but I will make the best decisions possible. and so, it is time to expand. to build this movement that began when I came out of the closet with my work. the way I see it, working with a few hundred more people is not going to create the kind of access that I feel people are looking for now, in a NEW way. not repeated and regurgitated ideas. but what I present in my one on ones. there is a container or containers in which to put what I do and share it on a broader scale. I know the demand is there. and so here we go to match it.

in addition, mid-way through the year, I began really trimming the number of sessions I took. my body began to process illness for others (yes, medical miracles, which will reveal themselves at later dates — some folks I work with are under contract with their firms or they have tricky legalities around discussing the unseeen due to their time and place in life right now) at a level I didn’t experience prior. I would get knocked down for a few days or a few weeks, depending on what it was. I also began to notice that I had no life outside of work. like, none. even if I went through the motions, I was 100 focused on whomever I worked with that month. I had no energy to focus on myself. and I was ok with that for that time. but as it became more intense, I knew it was time to make a change. also, my success with treating infertility was…out of this world this year. over a dozen babies born and being born before the end of 2017. babies were showing up all around me. the message became unbelievably loud to dedicate workshops to this. I met with a friend of mine who works in fertility and they told me how much corruption exists behind the scenes to make money in this department. it made me sick to hear the ins and outs of that. I know the difference that I can make, for the right people (look, I don’t get people pregnant, rather I show them where/how/why they are blocked and it is up to them to die some kind of spiritual death and listen to me without logic). the baby thing, my fertility circle inspiration, began showing up everywhere I went to get me to focus away from the concept of my one on ones as they have been. in addition to all of the above, I have had sessions with rather privileged folks who have pretty much all access to anyone and anywhere. they have let me know that they have seen and done it all, and I am covering information and doing so in such a way that is not available. I had no idea. this gave me the confidence to expand without feeling like some spiritual guru asshole. I never, ever want to be some spiritual guru asshole.

and so here we are. the end of my one on ones. I will focus on 1) my book 2) specialized workshops that start small 3) broader workshops that can host many people at once (I really need to work up to this point – it’s going to be a LOT for me energetically and I have to figure out how to handle it, but thankfully I have some help and support here) 4) mainstream messaging. for this, I am accepting an offering of love and support with someone who I hope to grow and expand my entire platform with. part of what turned my stomach all during the end of summer was knowing how huge (mainstream/commercial) this will be in a very short amount of time. since I have meticulously built this platform of other healers (healer does not necessarily mean they actually do hands on healing – they could be artists or hedge fund managers etc who have a healing message via their work!), the stars are the limit in terms of accessibility and wildfire speed spread. and this is a leap for me. because I never want to lose what I have done, rather I want to expand it. and that’s just fear talking there in that last sentence.

I want everyone to know, that if we worked together, these experiences have been BEYOND amazing. they have grown me, too. there are folks I have not spoken with since 2011 or 2012 when I was just poking my head out and doing this work lower key with only my crappy wordpress site, no photo, and a nearly blank yelp page. I CHERISH those who were there from the beginning. I cherish the good and the bad as well. I am praying that everyone who has been part of my journey feel part of what is to come. I will not be able to stay in touch with everyone. as I move “ahead” now, I am going to be working with a number of other people who manage and work on behalf of people like artists and public figures, and there will be suggestions made (such as changing my email, phone, address, everything) in effort to help me focus on what is next without being inundated. and I get it. when I work with public figures, I see the insulation around them and how necessary it becomes for their peace of mind. there may be some tweaking of biz name/trademarking, branding and so forth. I used to think this was so fake and scary, but I see the end goal point of it, and please know that I am not being lost in some big public fog or MK Ultra-ed (lol) as this happens. all of this will be somewhat of a new or just more expansive theme for me moving forward. it does not mean I am getting bougie! just so you know. I will search for ways to expand this platform of amazing people (most of YOU) who have been part of this movement thus far. and I will update on those ideas and actions.

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business line not working since early August. please leave another message here:

there have been substantial “technical issues” since early August. calls are not going through to my business line, and messages are being…lost. please use this temporary number as we “work on things”: (818) 253-9690 — if you have left a message sometime in the last 6 weeks, and you feel it may have been “lost”, please leave another one.

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Elaine’s Conversations: Fertility – A Life-Changing Conversation/Fertility Circle Event For Conscious & Spiritual Alignment September 27 & September 28, 2017

photo by Babita Patel

Elaine’s Conversations: Fertility – A Life-Changing Conversation/Fertility Circle Event For Conscious & Spiritual Alignment September 27 & September 28, 2017

Where: A private, luxury suite in the heart of New York City

Who this is for: the bold and beautiful (of heart and soul). This event is for those who are ready to stop lying to themselves about who they are, and who the world around them is – yes, that plays a huge role in this conversation/healing event focused on fertility. This is not a light and breezy event, it will not be for the weary. Be ready to change and feel it unearthing NOW — otherwise, hit the pause button on inquiry for now. We will cover many of the nuances that are the extremely important common denominators that I teach in my one-on-ones regarding fertility.

What you will get:

Two days of unearthing and healing fertility challenges. This will be composed of a small circle of women, including support from more than one individual who “went through it” with me, start to finish. She will share her spiritual, psychological and physically tangible journey. I will also focus on each individual in terms of their specific necessary unearthing.

This will likely be the most honest, raw, unorthodox and organic time you have ever spent with other human beings. It is my greatest desire that this conversations event reflect back all that resides within you that you do not want to look at — both the cockroaches AND the personal power (never mind the “medical blocks”).

Just like my one-on-one sessions, it is very hard to articulate the nuances of the takeaways without experiencing them personally. Following the success of my one-on-ones, booking this event is a calling you will either feel 100% or none at all. A 99% feeling is 0% when it comes to my sessions or events. It is not for everyone.

What you must do FIRST: — prior to calling 646 470 1178 to inquire about booking a spot at this event (space will be extremely limited and kept small):

Read all of my eBooklets, #1-#6. These eBs are extremely deep, personal and layered. If they do not resonate with you, this event will absolutely not either. Please note that buying and reading the eBooklets does not guarantee any booking.

Order and start reading my two one-on-one session pre req books (please do not ask me in a voicemail or online what they are — please read my entire site top to bottom, they are right there)

Upon booking, you will sign a non-disclosure agreement. This is to protect everyone’s personal privacy, energetically and otherwise, and potentially public persona during the event – you never know who will show up and what they (or you!) will want to talk about. This requires ultimate freedom and a sense of protection to access that ultimate freedom in front of others.

What do you do now?:

Read and complete the prerequisites for this event. Read my entire website and read through my blog. Then, call the business line at 646 470 1178 and leave a voicemail stating that you have done so and that you are available for both September 27 and September 28, 2017 for the fertility circle – please do not leave a message with any personal information whatsoever. This event will exactly follow the booking structure of my one-on-one sessions with slightly more required reading.

Have an open heart.

Copyright Aryn Elaine / Healing Elaine, All Rights Reserved 2017.

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announcing: “Elaine’s Conversations” – a conversation/event for conscious & spiritual alignment September 21 & September 22, 2017 NYC

logo by Shamona Stokes

Announcing: “Elaine’s Conversations” – A Life-Changing Conversation/Event For Conscious & Spiritual Alignment September 21 & September 22, 2017

Where: A private, luxury suite in the heart of New York City

Who this is for: the bold and beautiful (of heart and soul). This event is for those who are ready to stop lying to themselves about who they are, and who the world around them is. This is not a light and breezy workshop, it will not be for the weary. Be ready to change and feel it unearthing NOW — otherwise, hit the pause button on inquiry for now. We will cover many topics, ranging from general stuckness to illness/”dis-ease” to abuse, with extremely important common denominators (i.e. the physics of energy, and consciousness on both an individual and collective level) that I teach in my one-on-ones. So, given the above parameters, this may work for:

Busy professionals who feel like they are treading water, living a “Groundhog Day” life

Those who have tried countless therapists and healing modalities, only to end up “stuck in the same place”

Those in the midst of a “life crisis” or personal breaking point — this could be an illness, the death of a loved one, the ending of a relationship, or any relative loss or unclear defining fork-in-the-road moment

Intuitive people who feel as though they “pick up” other energies/feelings around them, and do not know how or why…or what to make of it

Those who, despite a “successful on-paper life”, are facing depression and lethargy, or simply know that there is something “more”

What you will get:

This is not a standard go-help-yourself event, there will (probably) not be cheering and jumping on couches, and I will not be spitting out some regurgitated “curriculum” to “empower yourself” like many new age entrepreneur schools teach. I know of  no one who is teaching & healing what I teach & heal in the way that I teach & heal it.

There will be individuals there, including myself, who have “been through it” many times and in many ways in life. We will be focused on running unconscious and energetic diagnostics, and the change that occurs will do so on a soul level — on a level of truth that is not being suggested or fed, but rather MATCHED.

This will likely be the most honest, raw, unorthodox and organic time you have ever spent with other human beings. It is my greatest desire that this conversations event reflect back all that resides within you that you do not want to look at — both the cockroaches AND the personal power. Below are a few of the likely and imminent takeaways:

16 hours of information: downloads/uploads and redirection of your personal human computer (you)

The crux of your unconscious mind as it relates to your entire purpose for attending this event — in other words, the answers to exactly what is stopping you in life

You will meet rare individuals like yourself, who share rare experiences/thoughts/goals – I will have with me at least one past patient who has been through my one-on-one session top to bottom

The tools to navigate your personal energy as it relates to your destiny, baggage from the past, and the world around you

The resources to protect and fortify your auric field so that no matter where you are, or who you are around, you feel strong

Information and examples to understand the difference between your energy and someone else’s; for example your thoughts and feelings versus your mother’s thoughts and feelings — even if your mother doesn’t live near you

Uncording (an energetic modality)

Tools for sustainable peace

Just like my one-on-one sessions, it is very hard to articulate the nuances of the takeaways without experiencing them personally. Following the success of my one-on-ones, booking this event is a calling you will either feel 100% or none at all. A 99% feeling is 0% when it comes to my sessions or events. It is not for everyone.

What you must do FIRST: — prior to calling 646 470 1178 to inquire about booking a spot at this event (space will be extremely limited and kept small):

Read all of my eBooklets, #1-#6. These eBs are extremely deep, personal and layered. If they do not resonate with you, this event will absolutely not either. Please note that buying and reading the eBooklets does not guarantee any booking.

Order and start reading my two one-on-one session pre req books (please do not ask me in a voicemail or online what they are — please read my entire site top to bottom, they are right there)

Upon booking, you will sign a non-disclosure agreement. This is to protect everyone’s personal privacy, energetically and otherwise, and potentially public persona during the event – you never know who will show up and what they (or you!) will want to talk about. This requires ultimate freedom and a sense of protection to access that ultimate freedom in front of others.

What do you do now?:

Read and complete the prerequisites for this event. Read my entire website and read through my blog. Then, call the business line at 646 470 1178 and leave a voicemail stating that you have done so and that you are available for both September 21 and September 22, 2017 – please do not leave a message with any personal information whatsoever. This event will exactly follow the booking structure of my one-on-one sessions with slightly more required reading.

Have an open heart.

Copyright Aryn Elaine / Healing Elaine, All Rights Reserved 2017.

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endings and beginnings: Healing Elaine’s general updates

photo by Weimin Wang

as my last post regarding fertility indicates, things are evolving. I have held off on expanding (which includes changing my format) for a few reasons. for one, I don’t want to disappoint those who have been reading my materials and following me for a long time with the hopes of having a session. that said, I am still only one person. I won’t get to everyone no matter what I do. in addition, much of what I do prior to and during and after a session is a massive sacrifice of my own life/energy. I don’t have “office hours” really, and despite advice from clinical colleagues, my sessions are just not the types that are suited for a structure. I have gone as long as I possibly can in the above fashion, while scaling a business at the same time.

however regarding structure…it has been brought to my attention more times than I can count, by people I truly admire, that I should truly consider speaking engagements and really further coming out of the closet. with this, there will be an imminent structure put in place: my book(s), the first of which will come out next year, and all of my concepts and theories (trademarked) flushed out in a way that translates to mainstream. this is quite the feat, since I am presenting new information — not regurgitated versions of someone ELSE’S stuff — and looking for the most fluid way to communicate such to large numbers of diverse (energetically) individuals. but it will happen. and there needs to be a structure in place from the outside in, directly opposing that of my one-on-ones. and with over one thousand sessions under my belt, the structure has been born on its own, without my logical mind plotting anything. but rather from the CORE of an individual. times one-thousand plus. to me, this is the definition of organic healing — that which comes not from the mind, but rather the experience. knowledge is nothing without the experience. anyone can read a book or get up on a platform and talk about a book.

I am now in an active restructure — my one-on-ones as they have been, will very soon be no longer. I will do some more specific group work centered around intimate subjects (i.e. fertility). and I will prepare for something I have never, ever wanted to do. and I mean it. it is: public speaking and large workshops. if you have read my other blog posts, you will see what a hard time I had coming out of the “spiritual” closet. my life was literally shut down years ago, because something wanted me in my purpose. I was very afraid to use my photo or my name. I wanted to be anonymous and help people from a place of relative anonymity. I was embarrassed of my seemingly “weird” or uncommon experiences with “other” — the spiritual. I was embarrassed for the “spiritual” community and the people in it due to my own experiences with them/and the number of freaks I met who were “healers” etc (don’t get me started). it was a major point of conflict for me, but nothing could stop the inevitable. I was twisted and turned and pulled into doing what I am doing, and at the core of it is the only thing I have ever been able to experience true joy from: helping others. but doing it in this new suggested above format…truly my last thought on earth. if I really wanted to be rich or famous, I would have stayed in finance when I had a major ground floor opportunity over 10 years ago (which I turned down to wait tables), or signed an acting contract or actually pursued entertainment (if you didn’t already know, it’s not hard to get famous).

I have some INCREDIBLE individuals who have stepped forward to grow with me now. people who can actually help ME. in ways that I can not help myself. legally, logistically, and otherwise. I have needed this kind of support for a very long time. up until not too long ago, my only experiences were helping others and getting screwed by nearly everyone I asked to help me. it was a long path of initiation to say the least. I hope it’s over, and I guess we shall see. and as I move forward now, I see what once looked like big giants at the gate — those who wanted to hurt me, obsess over me or talk poorly and falsely about me — as the tiniest ants. my fear of others is gone, and that has a lot to do with my ability to move in a direction that I never predicted (though many others did, more on that in a moment). my greatest fear of expanding into some kind of empire has been the fear that I will be somehow “let down” or hurt because someone I hire to do their job is inept. I’ve been afraid of making money because I feared I would end up like artists who went bankrupt because they had the wrong people working for them. and believe me, I’ve already had my share of those experiences even at this stage. I have never had the kind of human protection I deserved or, at the very least, needed in this life. so there has been a lot of work for me around seeing through a new lens, but scrubbing the karma of the old lens handed to me. I will have to trust, even when my mind can’t process the concept of trust completely. because the reality for me right now, is that I am being pushed again by a force nearly equal to the one that forced me into doing this work publicly in the first place. if I do not listen, I will be pushed in a super uncomfortable way and I know better than to not listen.

this brings me to those who have predicted things that I did not want to hear. numerous intuitives have told me for years that not only was I a healer but that I would be doing big events with very large numbers of people. not only did I give side eye each time I heard it because public speaking is a major fear of mine, but I just wasn’t interested in the stigma that comes with preaching (or something like preaching). I preferred to communicate artistically (acting) via exchanging energy, or privately one-on-one in my sessions. but I didn’t realize that what I am stepping into now is an even better extension of all of that. I’m still processing it, too. had I not been communicated with by the Universe or the powers that be, in a way that I can’t articulate here, I would simply continue my sessions as they are. but this is something I can not ignore. and I hate that, because I have no control over it. it destroys all kinds of logical beliefs I have about myself and who I am and how I want to be seen and how I want to hide and be left alone. I go back and look at written tarot readings or intuitive readings and marvel at the key words and phrases in them — it all points to my present tense reality. I suppose another blog post will arise on the difference between karma and destiny and everything in between (or maybe I will save it for the book so that my words are not misused or regurgitated).

I haven’t dropped some kind of axe yet on “that was my last general session”, but this update is to say that things are actively changing. I am contracting to expand again, and for those interested in what I have to say, I hope this expansion supports that interest if it does/did not happen in the context of a one-on-one.

when I look at the past number of years, I have truly met every kind of creature out there. they have fascinated me in the form of angels, sociopaths, and everything in between. every shape, size and color. they haven’t always seen how I see them, or that I do see them, but I do – and clearly – and I have drawn heavily from my experiences with them. those experiences have enriched what I have to offer in the future. and the only survivable energy is truth. very few live in it on our planet, like the unconscious mannequins that we are, running around, but we are all being forced there whether we like it or not. take a look around and imagine what is actually happening. if we refuse to make adjustments from our core (not someone else’s!), we will remain in a living hell – that is a guarantee.

plans are in motion. mini-empires of goodness have been built as a byproduct of my work with incredible people who used their sessions with me to step into their power on this planet. it’s like an empire of the most authentic people I could ever imagine meeting. the spiderweb of a movement is hovering as it all lights up.

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