photo by Anita Saini
when I came out of the closet with my healing work, I could not think of another word that would resonate with “what” it is that I do — so I chose the word Reiki. when I made my first business cards in 2011, I still had not been “Reiki” certified. sure, I had previously been “attuned” by a number of healers. when I moved to my first city post-college, I just so happened to move next to the largest healing institute in our country. somehow, though, I was just not drawn there. perhaps for reasons I ran from the “spiritual” community years later in NYC (some details can be found in other blog posts). who knows. I knew I did not need such “certifications” to do my work, but I felt that it was handy to have since some people knew what Reiki was and could put me in some kind of a box after presenting such. I felt that some people would want to know “who I studied with” etc, as if one can even study what it is that I do.
after many of my sessions, people will say to me — “that was not Reiki”. I never aimed to do something different or better or worse than some societal healing standard or status quo that people had in mind or heart, but I recognize that what I do is different. it doesn’t come from something I studied or something that someone has said to me, rather it comes from my core. it is something that has come through my very being since I was a little girl. I used it on my animals when I was young, and most notably perhaps on boyfriends or friends around my late teens and college age. when I say notably, that is when people would tell me “you fixed xyz for me”, and it was supported by our conversation prior to me “fixing” xyz. let me explain what I mean when I say “came through my very being” and “I used it”…
what would come through my very being was a strong, unconditional and almost uncontrollable unconditional love. I am not claiming to live in that emotional and psychological state all of the time. what I am saying, is that what I would find emanating through my core at random times, and even during times of abuse directed at me, was a palpable urge to share my heart in a way that would help someone access their own alignment. at times, there were people who did not want to be in alignment, or could not be in alignment for whatever reason. I recall dating a young man who was a compulsive liar. this was actually around the time of the Scott Peterson murder case. they even looked a little bit alike. I recall dating him and making odd unconscious references to a likeness between him and Scott. like their mannerisms, their “good guy” reputations separate from their actions. this boyfriend was also rather interested in my book collection, particularly Scott Peck’s book called “People Of The Lie”. he borrowed that book and never returned it. looking back, I think he was trying to understand where his own evil came from. evil that he could not control. he might have been one of the most misaligned people I have ever met, though by outside appearances like most sociopaths, he felt extremely aligned and charismatic — and, oddly, very kind. anyhow, the overwhelming unconditional love that would emanate from my core as it pertained to him, which was also obviously associated with me learning a spiritual lesson, was palpable. he looked at me one day and said “you are so unconditional”, as if he struggled deeply to understand my disposition (one that felt totally normal and natural to me, I didn’t try to be “unconditional”). and this comment came right after he had rejected me terribly. it was as if he was trying to understand the difference between light and dark. I still believe he is dark (I ran into him not too long ago, and made an effort not to eye contact him or touch him). and, sometimes the best way to thwart the dark is to understand it, so as to no longer be afraid of it (while staying away from it) and not judge it. dark has its own perspective. that’s kind of an advanced notion and quite the digression though…
when I was a little girl, a love so strong that I could barely contain it, would emanate from my core to the point in which I wanted to reach everyone in my neighborhood with it. I would have my sister partake in arts and crafts in our basement, or sometimes I would do it alone, and then leave anonymous little gifts — often glittered with hearts and messages of love — on the doorsteps of the neighbors while ringing doorbells then hiding in the bushes and getting high from their smiles and happy reactions. I would feel at times, when I was young, that I had no container for that “thing” that would rush through me at odd times. despite a very volatile and psychologically damaging environment, I still had this “thing” — my therapist thinks that this “thing” grew because of the conditions in which I lived (with some people, as we know, the opposite occurs — they become hardened, even more dark, but it is my opinion that abuse OFTEN only amplifies what was there to begin with). I don’t know. it’s something I think about. anyhow…
when my core would emanate this feeling — which I now understand to be unconditional love, and which I certainly needed to find a container and direction for by my 20s — it was accompanied by an intention. the intention was partly unconscious, but it was always to fill in blank spaces for the person(s) I was focused upon (I later learned that you can not give someone what is not organic to their original template — in essence, I help people who THINK they are broken, not broken people or it would never “work” — in fact, it can be dangerous to work with something intrinsically broken, and we are not to play God). I would picture that person in perfect alignment, “having what they needed” — but more than that, I would picture and even see where their field was off-balance. I would see this in the psych realms and the physical realms. it was almost digitized for me. and because I yearned so strongly to understand evil and darkness, I would sometimes attract the wrong friends or the wrong relationships — also because of what I was accustomed to, I would attract this. I would attract this on a multitude of levels, but it was not without benefit of lessons learned. lessons that would prepare me to do what I do now. lessons that I had to learn before I do what I do now.
so fast forward to my late 20s. I had already become obsessed with Caroline Myss in my early 20s just post-college, and I had come to understand via my boyfriends and friends that I was not “normal” — this was a blessing AND a curse. because whatever was not in alignment with a person would often come up and attack me. just by being in my presence. I felt beyond outsider — I felt like there was an energy around me that I didn’t have a say in. I didn’t understand early on how it worked, and I suffered a lot and took a lot of things personally. such as when one of my first serious boyfriends had a psychotic break several months in. my best friend at the time, knowing nothing about spirituality (and me not being aware that I had taken him into an early spiritual crisis just by dating him) said to me “you just have a way of bringing out the deepest parts of people…and sometimes they can’t handle those parts”. for someone who doesn’t really believe in energy or understand it, I found this very astute. it is a comment that I reflect on to this day. at the time, it made me feel like a complete reject — a broken toy. I still didn’t understand myself at that time, and I did feel cursed. because I didn’t know what it was that I was doing. and I didn’t realize that the overwhelming desire to give (and to align) was causing some of the most unhealed and unconscious parts of this person to surface — only to be abandoned by them as a consequence. it was not the first time I would be abandoned due to my “unconditional love”, or that “thing” that surrounded me so intensely. I knew also, that I would combat a lot of being alone in my life, until I figured this thing out. so in my late 20s, I was ready to give serious relationships a break for a long time, and to understand this “thing” that came through me so strongly. so that I could choose the right life partner.
in 2011 I coughed up the courage to launch my facebook page and my business cards while I was working a random retail job and playing in a rock band. they just said “Elaine”. by this time, I had been low-key working on people for a few years. they would contact me with a problem or concern, and I would spend several hours “working on them” — for free. some of these people I met randomly and I considered “important” because they were successful or whatever. I didn’t know how to charge, and I wanted to remain covert with my work. I did not want to be seen, my photo was nowhere for a couple of years, and I was having panic and paranoia over sharing “what I was”. I wasn’t sure how to begin, but the push from the ethers was so loud and seemed so damning if I were to reject this work/purpose, so I just…began. I began doing spiritual consults. I began passing out my business cards at Astor Place. it felt like I was assasinating my human self. I realized that mainstream people would want me to have a “degree” or something. so that is when I finally went for my Reiki training/certificate. fine. if that “legitimized” me, then so be it. in my mind, what I had been doing was something that lived in me for a long time. perhaps other healers can identify with what I am writing about. I still don’t do the traditional hand postures, I do what I am led to do, which comes from a place beyond logic. however it is accompanied with a strong knowing that is part of each and every session that I do. once I got my Reiki certificate, I felt like, “ok, you can call yourself Reiki Therapy by Elaine now”. at the time, there were no other practices with that suffix, at least to my knowledge and google searches. now they are everywhere. so I changed the name to something broader and more appropriate “Healing Elaine™”, while still keeping that initial dba. as I slowly let people know how to contact me in 2011, I was so afraid. I was afraid that my friends and others would reject me and not understand me. and some did the latter. and it was all ok. at least I had my official and mainstream “Reiki Certificate” now — that, for some reason, meant something to them, and somehow legitimized me/my work a bit more. which is again ironic, considering what I do is something I felt since I was a very young being. and yes, we ALL have life force that runs through us, which is the actual definition of Reiki (paired with a love-based intention).
I don’t know how to explain specifically how what I do is different from Reiki, but I was recently provoked into posting this after so many people have told me over the years (and again in a phone conversation last night) “what you do is not Reiki“. I know that what I do is not just Reiki. I suppose that yes, if you want to go down the rabbit hole, I am working with energies that are as old as the beginning of time, and I have a familiarity with them. these are not topics I am entirely comfortable posting about yet, at this time. perhaps down the road as the collective opens further to “other”, I will. I am also working with physics, but not by formal educational means. what I specifically do is a trade secret. maybe one day I will do something more official with “it”. maybe not. I don’t really see the point. again, this is why I don’t teach. because I don’t know how to teach this. I’m not saying this makes my work better or worse. in fact, if I could have avoided some of the challenges with regard to the polarized responses my energy field has received over the years, and “it”, I would almost endeavor to mute whatever my “it” in fact is.
what I am comfortable saying is, that when an ancient energy lives in our body or psyche, it is obvious to others (whether consciously or unconsciously). again, this is not something we consciously ask for or train for in this life. for example, when I was young, certain adults would actually tell me how or why I was “different” and it never made sense. again in my 20s it didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but due to so many heartbreaking scenarios, it made more sense. finally as I “came out” in 2011, it made even more sense — it was as if I was being rewarded by the Universe for coming forward with who and what I am. I recall being at a major movie premiere at Gotham Hall around this time. the story behind this is weird, but I was in my east village apartment at the time and something told me “go to Gotham Hall tonight”. I was not invited, not on any guest list. I did not know what event was taking place at that venue. I put on my Sunday slash party best, had a one woman dance party in my living room slash kitchen, and then headed over to Gotham Hall. when I landed, of course my name was not on the list. I gave the name of a publicist to the door girl and I was waived in. as I entered, I felt the divine energy that I feel in my sessions. it was as if my entire body began buzzing, and that was my cue that I was on track (when I don’t have that feeling and I am somewhere, I will leave immediately — as it is my cue to leave). I circled the room without looking at anyone (I know, I probably look like a creep part-time), and I felt a very strong energy to my right. it was a large group at a table with a ton of security. I want to be careful about name-dropping so I won’t do it. but there were incredible people at that table, I later learned. while in the massive square foot venue space, all I did was follow the buzz in my body. that buzz meant that I was connecting to another like-hearted energy in the ethers — beyond our 3rd dimension. I knew I was supposed to wait. so without looking at anyone in the place (there were thousands of people), I walked over to an empty spot and leaned up against the wall. at that moment, I saw someone from the table where I felt all of that energy buzzing, get up and come toward me. I didn’t look at this person, I just felt the energy, until they were about 5 inches from my face, staring at my eyes. I realized that they had left their group, pushed security to the side, and come toward me for some…reason. they stared at my eyes and my eyes stared back at them for a solid 10 seconds before they said anything else, and then they specifically commented on my energy. they looked very emotional. I asked this person if they had studied physics and they looked at me and simply said “I know light, and I know dark, and that is all”. this was not a come-on, and I knew it, but it was proven after our conversation when this person did not ask for my contact info. it was a resonance that exists in the ethers of unconditional love. this was a very known person. and then I knew my mission was done. that buzzy energy I had walking in left, and I knew my purpose had succeeded.
if the above sounds crazy, I get it. I’m a normal person yet I have felt these “other” things my entire life. there are a lot of “other” others out there, too. it’s as if we see another language that we are not taught. the person who approached me in the above paragraph is other. I have never seen or spoken to them since, but I know I will. their last words to me were “I know I met you tonight for a reason, and I will see you again”. these connections supersede our physical realm. and as I pay attention to recent social media activity of this person, I note their sudden fascination with physics and sacred geometry. when I saw them a number of years back, I saw their divinity — beyond press (both very bad and very good). I saw their own personal extension of unconditional love that perhaps fills them so much at times, that it causes imbalances in other parts of their life. my point is, that buzz, that “other” emanating from my core as a small child, became some kind of a sonar or detector for me later on in life. it began in my late teens in terms of actually using it in my life, and it became more definable in my late 20s and early 30s when I came out with my work. this sonar, this “other”, this unconditional love streak, is not only how I do my work in person but it is how I choose to do my work. again, this doesn’t suggest a hierarchy or any sort when choosing who to work with. not at all. it does, however, suggest timing. and a match of free will resonance.
my experience at Gotham Hall was not a one-off. this is an experience I have had many times, and I talk about it in my eBooklet 5 a bit. my experience has happened to include those who have “other” experiences, and many of them are in positions of public persuasion — meaning, what they say and do is deemed worthy by the masses because they are in the media. as we all know, just because someone is in the media does not mean they are good or bad, or should be listened to or should not be listened to. but, I came to realize that what I am talking about here is shared by people who CAN make an impact and assist in making the unseen (much of what I write about here) more mainstream. I came to understand, probably officially in 2012, that what I had been attracting had a larger purpose for down the road when we are all able (or allowed) to more fully understand it. “it” is the voice of love, of unconditional love, that each of us (whether better or worse) has some access to. some of us get plagued with it early on in life, and it is indeed a curse at that time, because of how disruptive it is to our personal relationships. I felt cursed with that hardcore.
the reason that I take my work so seriously is because I did not ask for “it”. at least not in this lifetime. I would have given anything to just be normal, to not have this energy that affected people even when I did not want it to. it was like having a force that would impart itself onto others, and you never knew whether their response to that force would be overwhelmingly positive (like my Gotham Hall experience, or many others like it), or overwhelmingly negative (like much of my early life, by people who were supposed to love me, and romantic relationships by which it became “too much”, and abandonment was imminent). I take my work seriously because now variances of this tangible “work” is “trending”. I don’t have the same experience as everyone else, and I don’t do things because they are “trending”. in fact, I run the other way from trending. if I told you about the “opportunities” I turned down last year alone, to be majorly “trending”, you would probably be very surprised, because those are the “things” most humans aspire to having — attention, money, fake “power”). but the thing is, this work is sustainable because it supersedes physicality and human consciousness. true healing work can be either silent (many amazing people do this work quietly, with hardly any online presence, because that is their calling and they don’t have any ego based need to be known) or it can be public (many amazing people do this work loudly, because they want to mainstream the important message of “look beyond what is in front of you so you can help yourself”). I resonate with the latter not from a conscious standpoint, but from an internal burning force that has been present from my first breaths on this planet. it is also a source of confliction for me, because I fight with the purpose in tandem with my ego. my ego says “be small”. and my purpose says “be huge”. it is a constant battle, and a lot of that I work out in therapy. I have found through my work with others and through my own life experience that, our greatest fear is often our greatest purpose.
so no, I don’t do “Reiki”. but I do use that word. because people mostly understand it. and it’s not so far removed from the intent or even physicality of my work. I’m not sure I could explain what I do in one sentence, or even in a paragraph. that is something I am working on narrative-wise for some of my mainstream corporate projects right now. you should see some of my CEOs, trying to come up with the language for which to deliver to their marketing or operations teams. LOL. “Reiki” will not be in that language. but I will post that language here when it is ready.