why people don’t heal

photo by Pia Oyarzun @madeinwater

once upon a time, a person came to me with a chronic illness (as is often the case with my work). no doctors could figure out the root cause. they had visited many over their lifetime. they had very little belief in the kind of work that I do, but they were at the end of their rope and had exhausted all other options (as is often the case with my work). the moment I saw this person, I felt the root cause (in fact it had been invading my body and consciousness the night prior). the root cause is always an experience trapped in the body — period. this experience, however, may be (and usually is) unconscious, and therefore eludes the rational conscious mind. for some of us, we get sick to open spiritually. our bodies are communicating with us. at any rate (and you can read my other blog posts for a little bit about what happens to me before, during and post session), I could feel the actual experience this person had in their body. as is often the case, it was an experience of repressed or unacknowledged abuse, but thankfully it was not so traumatic that this person did not remember it. I also felt that this abuse was not in the immediate family, and I pin-pointed something so specific that my patient immediately acknowledged that yes, xyz was the case with xyz persons. I was grateful for that acknowledgement, because it is not always easy for someone to do in a session. which makes it harder to heal when the root cause remains resisted by the mind because of many reasons (as the mind will protect itself from abuse by forgetting it via amnesia, or by completely changing the facts). for these sensitive reasons I do my best to only work with folks when I know they are ready. after the patient acknowledged that xyz happened, and I explained how and why it was actually LODGED in their body, they also agreed/understood that this was the case — despite being a “believer” in the unseen or not. the thing with my sessions is, I am not forming opinions. I’m just…seeing. once we sorted and agreed that xyz happened, and that yes indeed it was the cause of xyz in the body, I moved to step 3 as I always do…release it. now, this is where the hard work for most people comes in, and it can stop them dead in their tracks (steps 1 and 2 are also major track stoppers, if someone 1) does not remember/won’t remember, and 2) does not acknowledge/won’t acknowledge the mind-body connection). step 3 is hard, because we go to release something that has been living WITH us for…so long. some of us would rather continue to live with “part of us” (that is not actually part of us) and remain sick, versus let it go and move on…

which brings me to the point of this post. this patient was in full agreement that yes, something very specific happened and my validation of such was palpable and even their body responded at this point during the session…but they were not in full agreement as to what to do next — or step 3. step 3 was to release it. but how? well, this person REFUSED to get angry at the root cause. the root cause, as is often the case, was a repeated violation by two specific people in their life over a specific period of time. when I suggested that they must get angry in order to release this experience and transmute it, they looked at me like I had 3 heads. God forbid we process an actual emotion. God forbid we let go of the evil that is manifesting inside of us, keeping us sick. the truth is, not expressing anger does not make us less angry people. expressing anger so that anger can release ACTUALLY makes us less angry people. this person just could not see the logic involved. they didn’t get it that they were still angry — even though they were not expressing it emotionally. in fact, they were so fucking angry, that there was a living breathing pit of anger manifest as illness in their physical body. I was definitely judged for a time at this point in the session, and that is a world view issue not a personal issue — that we are “bad” when we are angry, and we are “good” when we are in loving prayer and peace. BULLSHIT. the way TO peace is to transmute the ugly, the unthinkable, to recognize and identify it, give it a name, and decide it no longer belongs to us. we can not and never will do this unless we FIRST get angry.

the number of people I know who refuse to get angry and would rather (EGO) see themselves as “good” people, or people of faith (church does not make you a good person, p.s. — actionable living of what scriptures teach might help you toward spiritual or psychological enlightenment, though) is staggering. they stay sick. they stay in this state for MANY reasons, and it’s often not their fault. abuse trains us to believe that we MUST hold onto the words, actions and events beyond our control. some of us would rather be sick for the rest of our lives, while outwardly pretending to ourselves and others to seek remedy, than to actually heal. healing is scary. imagine you find out that your right arm, which you have had your entire life, is full of darkness and you are required to cut that arm off because it is killing you. it’s not serving you, but it is…sort of. when we let go of something that we have survived upon for so long, we must then confront the feelings associated with that “survival”. so many of us do not want to do that and won’t. so we stay sick. we march for cancer, we donate to causes, but we never REALLY deal with the roots. it’s taboo, or we have a judgement upon what makes a good person a “good person”. I’ll tell you what I think makes a good person a “good person” — an honest person. a person who can be honest with themselves to the point of it scaring them, because they want to live in truth, no matter what. none of us is perfect, we are made perfectly imperfect. and with that said, it is up to us to decide how long we want to be victims, and when we want to become honest with ourselves.

when we refuse to heal, we refuse the light in others to do the same. what we do for ourselves, we do for others — or don’t. when the patient that I speak of looked at me in horror as I suggested that they get angry at the past for a brief time (once you express anger, it leaves, and you are left with perspective — not anger) I realized they would rather choose actual physical sickness than see themselves (EGO) as a “bad person”. this was also a person of faith/God (of course) with a God complex. those with a God complex, or martyr complex, often take pleasure in bearing the cross for others — even if it means they are sick. it’s an identity for them. this is, of course, ego at its finest.

I pray for everyone to have the strength to do the nearly impossible…face our truths and let go of the need to see ourselves in a certain light, as “good” or “bad”, when it comes to healing. we help no one when we remain sick, physically or otherwise. I am confident that the time comes for all of us when we can more clearly see the opportunities to truly transmute the pain we have relied on and identified with in exchange for health and wealth (spiritual, emotional, or otherwise).

people do not heal because doing so means feeling and possibly judging the self in the process.


how to remember your past lives

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

the subject of past lives is one that I was afraid of at one point. when I heard people discussing the subject, I wrote them off as “crazy”. obviously, like many of us, I did not grow up subscribing to the unseen in any logical or legitimate terms. this does not mean that I did not feel or experience the unseen…

when I was little I used to call the cops when I was home alone, because I could hear people in the house. the cops would arrive, and no one was there except for me. I realized, much later on as I was older, that I was hearing “ghosts”. now, ghosts are really just human beings, flesh and blood like you and me, living in another dimension/timeline. some of us have the sensory that picks up on those other timelines, and it is on the increase in this “now” moment of 2018 because our planet is settling into the 5th dimension (think of technology — how do you explain text messaging your friend in China? right — wavelengths of energy in unseen 5d+ realms). anyhow, as the 5th dimension is an unseen realm and we are in it, our sensory perception starts to more closely match the unseen. if a dimension is akin to a timeline, then what does that say about our perception of timelines and “ghosts”? it says that the veil between dimensions or timelines is getting thinner than ever.

for some of us, like me, it was thinner at birth. it is thinner for some and less so for others. for an entire host of reasons. the first reason is personal frequency; we are all set like radio station dials, to various stations at various bandwidths. if I have a massive bandwidth, I will pick up on tons of stuff. after the intrinsic set point or bandwidth, there are other things that I can do to either maintain or decrease my bandwidth. typically at birth, the bandwidth drops unless everything in its environment matches it — people, places, and things. it’s hard to match your intrinsic frequency or bandwidth. so in a sense, we “forget” where we once were and how perceptive we are. for example; have you ever had or heard a child talk about other lifetimes and think that they are playing or imagining? what about special friends or ghosts? one does not have to be young, or mentally ill to “imagine” these things — there are healthy people like you and me who pick up on them. and sometimes that perception does not completely decrease after childhood. in order to maintain my bandwidth or “perception”, I have to keep my body/aka transmitter-receiver super clean. for me, that means eating super clean foods and avoiding all chemicals. I even avoid using chemicals in skincare, no matter how “high-end” the line. I don’t eat dead animal meat. ethics aside, taking death through a vehicle full of life is contradictory for what I aim to achieve — as much of my consciousness and perceptiveness as possible. and then yes, I do have my personal reasons. but for the sake of explaining vibration and how it is fueled or not, I mention food. I drink and eat as many raw foods as possible, which breathe life into the cells of my body. this helps me stay “clear”. it is the same with exercise. when I have been in past relationships that have not served me, for example, my frequency would drop — this is how we drop our bandwidth. I did not feel like eating well or working out. in order to maintain my natural frequency, I had to leave those relationships and get back to the things that were germane to me — eating raw foods that give me more life force, and exercising — releasing the millions of internet-logon-like energies within me in the form of people, places and experiences (all of which create thoughts and feelings = body storage of either positive or negative signaling). as I maintain my frequency, I am as clear as I can be to “hear” my intuition/self, and I am as close as I can be to the 5th dimension (we currently exist in both 3d AND 5D by the way — but that is another blog post)…where timelines and information become thinner and more transparent.

we are in the age of Aquarius due to the above, by the way. we got there because our new 5th dimension of truth is reflected by a height and an unseen realm which is producing the underbelly of humanity and existence. everything has come up for a purge and many of us are confused about it. we may also be confused as to why we are having new or “strange” experiences — such as the ones I write about, and such as the simple curiosity to even read a post like this. for more info, refer to my eBooklet1 about awakenings. it’s happening on an individual and collective level for a reason right now.

so how does my vibration relate to curiosity around past lives? it relates in the sense that one can more closely reach their memory of other timelines and dimensions aka past lives, by way of maintaining their natural frequency. again, when our frequency lowers, we are not only caught in the matrix and muddled grind of life with no faith or thought of  “what else”, but we have little to no access to our “imagination” or sensory perception as it relates to the unseen (or pre current physical body past).

the first way we start to remember our past lives is through making our bodies and minds the clearest channels possible. again, some of us are more closely set to that vibration in the first place — but we still need to do the work to maintain that. we clear our minds through daily meditation and exercise, and we put only into our body what we want to feel — do we want to feel life, or do we want to feel chemicals? there are plenty of delicious foods with natural fatty oils such as avocado, coconut manna, raw chocolate and so on that can replace the crap that I used to eat, for example (twinkies, cheese dogs, bacon egg and cheeses etc). life doesn’t have to get boring just because we aren’t eating things that “don’t taste good” — in fact, we are programmed for them to taste good. if I were to eat a twinkie or heavily processed food or meat right now, I don’t even want to think about how I would feel. it would drag my frequency to the floor, and along with it, my mood and perception. beyond what we put into ourselves which should only match the way we WANT and expect to feel, we also must raise the vibration of our body. sweating, running lifting, yoga etc will purge out the “information” that is just not intrinsic to us. psychotherapy or a valuable counselor who can reflect back what is also not germane to us, is amazing. it’s not sick people who go to therapy, in fact it is typically the opposite — sick people avoid therapy and healthy people go toward it. the most successful people I know use therapy, workshops, conferences and other methods of honest feedback from other humans without agendas or motives to help them get a really clear look at themselves and those around them. cleaning out the mind and body is the most important part of this first step. this creates a sharp, clean, and high antenna, ready to recall the past…

once our antenna is set nice and high (I understand this takes a lot of work! – but it is worth it), we move on to our next step. we take inventory of our creative likes…for example: is there a particular style of clothing, or genre of music that you just LOVE but did not grow up with? meaning, your intrinsic affinity for creative aesthetic of either sound or art comes from a place foreign to what you were taught/experienced. for me, I have always loved Latin music, the Spanish language, hip hop, African artifacts and masks, the Renaissance period, gothic churches and castles, and specific cities or countries. I didn’t grow up with any of these things, and I don’t like them because I was told to by media or because my friends like them — it comes from a place beyond reasonable life experience and exposure. when I was in high school I was obsessed with the Spanish language and culture (and boys). and although French was my second learned language after English, Spanish caught on like fire. I could dance to Latin and Spanish (yes, there is a difference between Latin and Spanish and I understand it!) music (having had no dance classes ever), and I could speak the language nearly fluently — after just about a year of sporadic classes, a first serious boyfriend/relationship of Latin American descent, and then most definitely after spending a couple of months abroad in Spain. Spanish language, Latin American culture, and all that came with it felt like home to me, and people were really surprised. besides that genre of familiarity, when I would pass by old churches either locally or internationally, I felt an INCREDIBLE longing to stay there or go back in time to when they were built. when I was able to buy clothes, I was drawn either specifically to something out of an old Latin American or Spanish novela (and very attracted to showcasing female curves and form), OR to Game Of Thrones-type attire. I still vacillate nearly equally between the two styles. I feel like a mix of both. and then as far as more geographic location resonance, when I visited the city of Boston for the first time, while I didn’t love the modern-day setting, I felt a familiarity that I can not describe with justice — and I was just pulled. I then went to college there. I felt the same way about different cities in Europe, and especially Los Angeles, the first time I touched down. the pull felt more like desire.

make a list of your creative likes per my above. how does that differ from what you were exposed to over and over as a child or young person? most likely, those creative likes are snippets of your past lives. organize them by people, place and thing, and piece together a puzzle of sorts, that will start to present a storyline that makes sense. for example, my greatest creative draw at this point in time would be the Renaissance period. I absolutely love looking at pictures of old churches, I have a list of cities that I MUST spend time in, and I LOVE music from the Renaissance period. I can’t get away from a specific red/gold color of hair that was no doubt key during that period of time, and I am equally in love with the clothing styles — I obviously modify it to suit modern times (sometimes!). the most significant woman in history whom I relate to or feel drawn to is Joan D’Arc/Joan of Arc. my home looks like something carved out exactly from this period in time, with very few lights and tons of candles or sconce-type items. it is also filled with color schemes and even antiques from this time period. I will note that this theme has repeated itself in my life for close to 10 years. prior to 10 years ago, the theme was straight from South America. I lived in Miami for a time because it was as close as I could get to this past life memory without leaving the country. if I were to piece everything together, I am looking at a memory — a memory which was so strong, that I had to find a way to live it in the “now” time period. what does your creative like puzzle say about you? where are the strongest consistencies? what figures do you identify with in history that match these pulls or likes or desires? once you have step one down, which is opening up your ability to tap into your “memory”, you can piece it together with the above/step two.

once you have your list together and distinct time periods and people and places are recalled, think about some of the psychological patterns or themes of your current life. what obstacles do you repeatedly bump up against? what kind of romances do you hash out repeatedly? what was your family dynamic like? what lesson is your inner most self trying to teach you? for me, it has been adversity. it has been seeing or knowing the truth, being hazed and told otherwise, and having to fight my way to justice. it has been betrayal and backstabbing to the nines. the lesson that I am learning in this lifetime is that I don’t have to fight or stay in abusive circumstances (Joan of Arc much?) — that this life brought me to my knees into situations that I had to transcend in order to reach the peace that was likely/not available in past lives. my current life has presented no doubt the same challenges as my past lives, except that I get to master them in this life. I get to master them because we are in a time and space reality that supports many dimensions merging at once, so that we may see in a more nonlinear capacity and transcend darkness. this time is available for all of us to do, and to close karmic gaps. if we think about this life in terms of our patterns, we may notice what challenges they present, and that may begin to fill in some of the gaps when we think about our bigger puzzle pieces…

my bigger puzzle pieces are the two themes of Latin America/Spain and the Renaissance period. Latin America/Spain comes in as I feel into romance and family. the Renaissance period comes in as I feel into my persona and life’s purpose. when I bring in my patterns or challenges, I think about romances that have served me/my soul the best, and what outer world purpose has served me the best. I see a current marrying of two different timelines as they relate to my inner and personal life, and also my outer world purpose. I see the over-arching bridge of many different experiences blending into one complete life, and the ongoing work that it takes to bring them more clearly into focus. what are your strongest puzzle pieces or themes, and how can you incorporate your many experiences into THIS life?

become those themes fully in the now. play the music, eat the food, and wear the clothes for a day (or for many days!). see what you feel, how you feel, and if any new images or memories come to mind. I like to imagine every person in my life, from the now-past (this physical lifetime) or the present, as the same play with a simply different cast of characters from many years ago. this also helps to lessen the feelings of personal burn or anger around those who have “done me wrong” — because it simply becomes an energy, less than it becomes a person. that energy has tried over multiple lifetimes to resurface to teach me something, and once I can learn it, I can transmute the hard lesson associated with it. the same goes for the positive things — there have been guides or angels in human form around us since our inception on this planet. have you ever been drawn to someone in moments, and somehow you feel closer to them than those you have known and loved for the longest? this is a soul-tie, and it is one that has incarnated over and over and over again to be with you as you transmute lessons and experiences that are not meant to come with you in this 2018 5th dimensional experience. the thing is, as we get closer to the 5th dimension in experience, we ALSO get closer to the past (because essentially time does not exist) — and unearthing old ways that do not serve us. there is a polarity here. as you become fully each “old” theme in the now (for example me with Latin America/Spain or me with the Renaissance period), write down a full storyline (you can use your imagination) about the past life that you lived. write down the things that you have carried over into this lifetime to use, and the things that you have carried over into this lifetime to purge. perhaps you will find that you are less drawn to one of your favorite past life themes after all. perhaps you will find that you are more drawn to one of your favorite past life themes now.

finally, go into a meditation with each past life theme. for each one, inundate yourself with the sounds, smells, foods, clothes and location (if you can!) etc that you can. if you have a friend or partner whom you feel completely fits this theme, spend time with them before or after your meditation and then meditate again. by meditate, I mean clear your mind and just feel all of the sounds, smells, foods, clothes (and location if you can!) and so on. do this as often as possible, once a day, once a week or once a month. see who and what pops up, as a result — often when we start to clearly recall another time period that we were once physically in, synchronicities also appear. we often start to find our purpose in this physical dimension, because we are becoming “clearer” (as wacky as this blog post will sound to some!). bridge in all that you resonate with, along with taking care of your body and mind. if you are a person of faith, pray on your higher power’s ability to help you “remember”. by remembering, we are able to release…and transcend…and land.

for further reference, feel free to check out my eBooklet 2 about past life pulls.


aging, plastic surgery, and ENERGY…

2009 candid photo by John DeAmara

this post has been inspired by the alarming number of botched/detrimentally consequential/scary experiences being reported to me by women as of late. specifically, the last few months. I know for certain that these are spiritual tests for them. prior to the past few months, I had not thought heavily about this subject (aging/plastic surgery), nor had I really discussed it. I have taken my recent conversations around the above as a sign to write about these subjects candidly. it feels like I’m being guided to do it, and perhaps it will assist someone, one way or another.

for a huge part of my entire early life I was conflicted about the way that I looked, mostly because against my will, my head was nearly shaven twice during my prepubescent years — specifically beginning at 8/9 years old. this was actually a horrifying experience for me. I had beautiful long hair, and I felt that from outside appearances, I fit in with my peers. as you may know, prepubescent years are extremely formative. certain events during this time can make or break a person, or sit with them for a long time. ironically (or not), these are the years that a lot of people are molested. if I had a dollar for every person who shared horrible experiences with me that had occurred around age 9… anyhow, it may sound dramatic, but I will never forget how I felt when my 16 inch locks were shaven off. I will try to find a picture — better yet, before and after pictures — to insert here at some point. I went from not fitting in with my peers so much emotionally (I was a year younger than all of them — I started kindergarten at age 4) as I was less mature — and I also had a ton of stuff going on in my immediate environment that was outside of my control — to not fitting in emotionally OR physically. my hair was about an inch long all around, with the “bangs” so short they spiked up because they couldn’t be combed or lay flat. for nearly two years of my life as I entered puberty, everyone thought I was a boy. the night after I was shaved, I recall wanting to disappear. I went to school the next day and I was the laughing-stock. I hid in the bathroom, and my teacher came in to console me. while I was in there, she must have told the kids to compliment my new styles. “hey, I like your haircut” said one person, which was obviously a joke. because when I landed in line for school that morning unrecognizable, there was a new toy out that you could ask questions and it would answer robotically “yes” or “no” — kind of like a magic 8 ball that was prevalent in the 80s, except this one would answer back. “is her haircut good”, one kid asked. “no!”, the machine robotically yelled. the entire line burst into laughter. in retrospect, it’s funny. but at the time, I was in a tortured state. and you might use your best psych hat guesses as to why this was done to me. anyway, clearly those around me who knew me knew that I was a girl, but when I would travel beyond the confines of home or school, people would say things like “hey, do you and your brother want xyz?” to my sibling. it was…awful. I was stripped of my physical identity (the only thing left to take from me at that time, by the way), and there was nothing I could do about it. the night before the cut I cried myself to sleep. after it was done, and re-done months later, I obsessed over the way I looked. I stared at myself in the mirror and wanted the little girl back. I wasn’t old enough to have a shaved head and have people know I was a girl. parents of friends would remark about how much I would stare in the mirror at birthday parties or when getting ready to go somewhere. I was looking for that beautiful girl who, even though she didn’t feel normal, looked normal.

eventually time passed, and that horrible buzz cut started to grow back in time for middle school. there was another horrible cut, somewhere in between that time, and it was not a buzz cut, yet still along the same lines. thankfully I was allowed to grow it out by the time I was 12 or 13. I recall vowing to never go short again. I don’t really remember if I liked my looks or not in middle school, at least not more or less than the average kid. I’m not sure how I got lucky that way, because I did not obsess over anything. that said, my nose had been fractured once already, and around 12 it was growing cartilage across the bridge that was definitely not organic to my bone structure. the difference between 10 and 12 was major when I looked at photos of myself, and the first time I noticed this was during my 6th or 7th grade class photo. even my family was surprised. one of them used to say how surprised they were because I was supposed to look like “xyz person” from school, yet overnight I woke up looking like another person entirely. the entire bridge was swollen across, with elevated cartilage on both sides, totally uneven. I recall being surprised, because it did not look the way it used to. when it was fractured, it bled and hurt, but that stuff happens to lots of kids and they recover without surgery. but it definitely threw off my natural structure. the rest of my nose was fine, and I particularly liked the tip — it was pointy and defined, and I thought it was nice. then I got to highschool. by this time, my nose was larger than the rest of my face, as my face was trying to catch up to it. not to mention, the cartilage was at its peak of size and imbalance. during this time, both immediate family members and kids in school called me “the bird”. I would walk through the halls and they would crow or caw. lol. it sounds funny now, and almost cute. it made me feel super insecure at the time though. when we would drive by the zoo in Florida, one of my caretakers would joke and threaten to drop me off with my real family members — the herons and birds held captive, because we looked alike. this was actually mentioned on a weekly basis, and probably daily in school, and I am surprised I never asked for a nose job then. I felt like I should accept myself the way that I was, and that it was a sin to get surgery to change things. I always prided myself on working with what I was given. I never craved a boob job, even though I had just over a handful. my peers actually seemed more focused on their looks than I was at this point. by the time I was 15, I got a fair amount of attention from boys. my face was starting to grow into balance, despite my fractured nose that did not look like anyone elses in my family — not even extended or distant relatives. I stopped thinking about it. when I turned 16 I highlighted my hair with sun-in (remember that?), and spent my summer outside getting really tan. I remember being happy with the way that I looked despite the bumps in the road in the past. I was still teased by people close to me about looking like a bird or exotic animal, and it was not a compliment. but I didn’t seem to have any trouble attracting boys, and at that age, that was important to most of us. I had my first boyfriend and by this time all physical insecurities had vanished. I had a very robust butt, and the kids in my highschool would yell things at me when I walked down the hall like “rumpshaker!!!” or “rumpROAST!”. I did not mind one bit, for whatever reason. I was proud to be a woman with a large butt. my boyfriend felt proud to be seen with me. then I got to college.

I felt more confident than ever in college. that said, the fracture in my nose started to bother me. I recall researching nose jobs, but I was so afraid of looking like a different person that I did not pursue it. my face started to change in my 20s like faces naturally do, and I was still happy with my appearance all around. during this time, boob jobs were all the rage and I had no interest. then I visited the first psychic I ever went to, at 26. she mentioned right away that I was supposed to be seen and heard, and that I would be on a popular soap opera as a start. she said that this was important to my life’s purpose, and to go for it. then, she told me to get reconstructive surgery on part of my bridge where the cartilage was messed up from two fractures (there was a second one at 14, but by that time most of the damage was done). I had tremendous sinus infections all throughout highschool and in my 20s, and I knew that some of this was probably due to the messy bone structure in my nose. different ENTs had suggested surgery, but I was just too afraid to mess up my looks further. after seeing the psychic, I knew that she was trying to help me because she was familiar with the vanity of the entertainment world. I definitely trusted her, and did not feel she was putting me down in any way. she said “fix the right side where all of that cartilage is built up and make it match the left side”. I said “ok”. I started my research for surgeons, and pretty much caved with the first one I found. he was super old — well, old for a surgeon. 70ish? his wife had been a popular soap actress and he showed me photos of her before and afters — which he doctored. I made it clear to him that I did not want a different nose, that I just wanted my original nose. I brought a photo from when I was 10 or 11, which was a tough read considering our faces change. but he looked at the noses of my relatives and got a feel for whatever was not germane to me. insurance covered it, because obviously, I had a fracture and the right side of my nose (which was always flooded with infections) was collapsed inside. the surgeon understood exactly what my aim was. the day of the surgery, one of the nurses said to me on my way into the OR “don’t you want to fix the tip too?” I said “HELL NO!”. I couldn’t believe her suggestion. it was my favorite part of my nose, after all. after the surgery, I waited. there was a subtle difference that some people saw and others didn’t. my boyfriend at the time didn’t really see the difference. but I breathed better, and I think it looked way smoother in photos. I had an actual bridge for the first time, and all of the messy cartilage looked “put together”. I was happy. it took a lot of consideration on my part, and I was so afraid of being or looking “fake”. then I realized that we have to do what makes us happy, and what is natural or instinctual to us. I never wanted a surgery ever again, because the recovery process was awful (for me).

fast forward and I went on my soap opera, ended a very significant relationship at close to 30, and felt really great inside and out. I worked out and ate well. I didn’t care about what other people looked like, and I can honestly say I loved my appearance for the most part. I did work hard to put myself together, and I will note that my hair WAS and still IS a huge point of contention for me, lol. I imagine 90% of that is past trauma. I went on to do photoshoots to remember my youth, because we never go back in time. I did some modeling. nothing serious. I think because I was happy inside, and had done a TON of self work, and did not cave to the social norm that says “marry by 30 no matter what”, my happiness and authenticity was showing on the outside. the next thing I did was have my teeth matched in color. my new friend was a cosmetic dentist and she offered me something lovely. it did not change my face and I did not get fake teeth/veneers. I even questioned myself in the process, as I had still considered myself a very “real” and “natural” person, and I worried that I was somehow cheating or setting a bad example for insecure younger women. I got over it fast because my teeth came out GREAT. and they were still my teeth. so that was my next real/fake “thing”. as I got into my 30s, I really felt better than ever. I had been doing hot yoga for a few years, I went nearly vegan, and I started sleeping 8-10 hours per night (a contrast to my 9-5 days when it was like 6). I was now out of the corporate world, and though I was broke AF, I was SO happy and rested, all of the time. this made a huge difference as far as my appearance was concerned. I looked younger than I did 10 years prior, no lie. I had been through many personal internal hells with breakups and other issues from the past, and I was working them out through taking good care of myself. it showed on the outside. to this day, I will say that the best recipe for maintaining youth is internal happiness…you can be the ugliest troll and I promise you that if you are happy on the inside, it will shine through to the outside and the world will be your oyster. I mean this. THIS IS ENERGY. the right energy will make you beautiful at all challenges.

in my early 30s, I can honestly say that I never looked better, mostly because I was so happy. and, well, I was taking EXCELLENT care of myself and not making sell-out decisions to fit in with society because I was weak-willed. and then, my mid 30s hit. this is the first time I started to realize that my face was…aging. I thought “well ok, fine”. I also wondered how much I could sleep in order to stop it, lol. to set the stage here, I am now LATE 30s. and so this piece is timely for me to write for a number of reasons. anyhow — in my late 30s, I began to see some “new” things. my face looked fuller. I thought, wow, I have always been so bony, with bony features, I have been waiting for this! I liked it. but then, I noticed things I was not so keen on. they began to happen when 1) I was not rested and 2) I did not work out 3) I did not eat well 4) I was overworked 5) I was not personally balanced or fulfilled with my personal life. and then I realized “oh, this is called aging”. which no one prepares anyone for. my lower face got fuller and there seemed to be way more space between the bottom of my nose (the tip I always loved!), and my upper lip. my upper face started to lose some volume, and I had normal crows feet. well, this is called being a human, I thought. but I also thought…I wonder what…procedures…I could consider without being afraid of them…that will “help me age more gracefully”…and so I started some research and conversations. which brings me right to this blog post…

obviously I do not live under a rock (well not totally), and I knew/know about botox. but for some reason, I never wanted to do it. my smile and laugh lines make me feel youthful. even the crows feet around the eyes. I like them. call me crazy. and then, I know of 20 year olds who have been shooting botox since their teens. to each their own. this blog post is not an opinion post. it’s a share that will maybe resonate with someone in a way that helps them figure out their own appearance stuff. I started to see a lot more blue veins in my face, and I researched dermatologists. then a younger patient friend of mine referred me to hers. she was great. she told me “don’t do botox”. she is exactly my age and she has 3 kids. I was grateful for her honesty. she told me I could consider what is called IPL, which is a laser treatment that targets big blue veins in the face, that could help minimize the appearance of aging. I said ok. I had always been super veiny. so I did it. I looked “better”. I liked it! and then I really started to research…this is the rabbit hole of focusing on appearance, by the way! I still didn’t want to do botox and I had no real reason for not doing it. others I know did it and they looked great. the feeling not to do it was purely gut level. then I heard about fillers. I had honestly never researched or thought about these things, and I’m late 30s. ok, so what is a filler? it’s an acid that your face makes naturally. I thought about that. hm. ok, I can consider that. so a year ago I wanted to soften my jowls without surgery and decided to see “the best of the best” — seriously, he does tons of actors faces. he did a laser on me which improved some blue lines, and then he filled my chin. I liked it for about a month or two. then, what happens, is the filler dissolves — at different speeds, because different parts of your face metabolize differently. I decided I never wanted that kind of face filler again. it’s about 100% dissolved now, and some of my jowls are back. they go away when I sleep a lot, and they go away when I do hot yoga, and when I am super happy. ok, so I can deal with this part of aging. I also found out about lip fillers. I had always sworn I would never do anything like that. a few years back I had seen a surgeon who specialized in ENT, and I went to check on my nose. it was losing structure in the middle from the first surgery, and it was frail because I did not want anything cosmetic done, and the middle was unsupported. he put a “stint” in the middle, made of my own cartilage, which not only physically felt more supportive, but I could breathe even better. it didn’t really change my appearance, but again I hate surgery and I was afraid of looking like a different person. thankfully neither one of these procedures did that. well anyhow, he also did lip injections etc and I felt he was trustworthy. last year I said ok, let’s do it. and I did. and it hurt like a mother at first. I was so scared of looking like Joan Rivers (RIP Joan, I love you), because I have been such a granola my whole life – I went through phases between 27-34 without even coloring my hair because I thought it was “fake” (those phases have passed, I think). I was even afraid to try eyelash extensions, and when I first did, I cried hysterically because I felt I would pay for my sins of altering my appearance by way of some bad karma coming to teach me a lesson. fortunately I’m not blind, I was ok, just like most people who have done that. so anyhow I did the lip contouring, and it really just added back what I had in my 20s plus made things more symmetrical. they dissolve in months, and they are made from your own natural substances. I won’t say to do it or not do it, because I never even thought about it until I noticed gravity and this space between the tip of my nose and upper lip — likely from the stint put in to support the middle frame of it. then I researched other things like lasers that lift and tighten the skin, and those are another rabbit hole. even like a facelift, none of them is permanent, and there are risks. and they can hurt, a lot. at this point, I’m somewhere in the middle of considering going back for an IPL for my veiny face and some lip maintenance. my face feels like my face and I don’t care what other people look like. I have never and do not have the desire to look like anyone but myself. the things that have given me the most flack in life (my pointy bird nose and my big butt) were and are my favorite things about myself. so there’s that.

I write this to first preface my honest to goodness personal experience with appearance, because so many people we “look up to” are not willing to share on this front, and I want to provide some kind of general support or solace for those who feel like they have questions no one will answer. maybe this blog post will answer it. maybe not. but I will say that my bottom line is this: I have never felt more beautiful than I did when I was 16-26 and totally surgery-free/natural, and then again in my early 30s when I began to age and had not even looked into anything anti-aging. I was at my happiest both at those times, and again NOW! no amount of anything can replicate that on the outside, so quite frankly it does not matter and I hope that is the point I can make most clear.

now, for the actual reason that I began this post today. over the past few months, I have been contacted by a variety of women I know whom, have gone under the knife. for breast surgeries, facelifts, botox, and God knows what else. I still don’t know the whole menu of aesthetic offerings. and, these recent reach-outs, have been chock full of warnings by way of sad stories, personal disappointments and fear, by way of trying to enhance or anti-age their appearance. I have never in my life been contacted by women in this way, because typically they are too embarrassed or proud to share what they are “doing” to themselves because there is the weird and fucked up shame over the way we look, which is a sin in and of itself. it is a sin that an instagram page can make a young woman feel insecure. I didn’t have to deal with that growing up. I didn’t have internet, HA. but even now, I think it would take an earthquake to make me feel moved over someone elses face or body in an instagram or otherwise post. because I know myself. and I know my insides. I love myself! this is my eternal protection to falling prey to the illusion that we are somehow happier or better because we have “fixed” ourselves physically. the fact is, our physical selves “fix” themselves only after our inner selves do. again, I promise you this fact.

the women who reached out to me over the past few months — and again, I can’t believe how many it is, considering this has never happened to me before! —  I know are messengers to all of us, to help us rethink our beauty. the horror stories I heard include under the knife surgeries gone wrong to nearly fatal close calls, botched anti-aging procedures (that had never gone wrong prior to this year), and so on. one of them happened to be botox, and it really hit me since it was something I had considered but fortunately had excellent feedback on, telling me “you don’t need it”. there have been other things I have considered as well, as I am in my late 30s and we start to see a difference in the mirror, and sometimes we do not recognize the face staring back at us all of a sudden. I feel like my considerations, while already slow, have been halted with a resounding and loud message about what I have known my whole life despite different experiences: focus on my happiness like never before. when in doubt or hesitation, about any procedure, WAIT. maybe botox works wonderfully for friends and patients of mine, but I had the instinct to not do it…and then I heard real horror story about it from someone I had not expected to hear it from. when we spoke about it, she presented the fact that a “beauty spell” is the classic downfall of a woman’s appearance that will backfire when she spiritually knows where her true beauty comes from. I do believe this to be true. for those of us who have done that inner work, perhaps taking the outer risk is not worth it and will backfire. perhaps we need to look at ourselves with different eyes altogether, even when procedures are at an all-time high. this can be particularly difficult for public figures. I’ve worked with a number of them. I’ve worked with women who have been criticized for their appearance or what they have “done” to their appearance, and I have worked with women who have been glorified for their appearance, while clearly having “done” things to achieve that classic cult-look. they range in ages from 20-60. and at the end of the day, I can guarantee you that none of them is more or less beautiful because of their plastic surgery. what it actually boils down to is how we feel about ourselves, and then what we can “safely” negotiate upon with ourselves, because we are excited to put a little “spunk” back into our look after having kids or hitting late 30s or whatever someone’s desire is. even if you are 20 or 40 or 60 or whatever, and you want to do xyz because you find it exciting, then YOU DO YOU! — no one should judge that, and this is not a commentary of opinion. but what should happen, is inner knowing and happiness first. this will avoid feeling like something needs to be done to “prevent” something — like the lack of acceptance from otherwise romantic prospects,  or rejection from peers. when we take the offensive with respect to our feels ad looks, we are typically in good and far better graces than trying to “fix” something. the defensive is a lack of acceptance of self. doing or not doing something to your physical appearance is neither here nor there — it is not “fake” or sinful, and it is also not “necessary”. what it will bottom-line down to is your personal rationale and background, and taking strong “pro” /on-the-offense with excitement approach. I hope I have adequately explained the difference…and just to reiterate, I am pro-do-YOU — WHATEVER that is.

I share my story/background with my physical appearance because it’s actually not super important to me in terms of how it defines me. I used to shame myself for looking like a boy, and then I used to shame myself for being pretty because I was afraid of being judged on my looks (like, seen as not smart — which has happened and still happens a lot by the way and it’s my greatest filter for being underestimated). you can’t win when you worry either way. I am now loud and proud of the way I look and I will rock that until I die. if there is anything my prepubescent buzz cut and disruptive living circumstances taught me, it was that all I had was my inner self. it took me completely OUT of the physical. and now the physical is just part of being a human for me. I share this also because not too long ago, someone had commented on one of my news articles that I had a “pretty and fake face” — this is particularly interesting because 1) it was a man (shocking), and 2) I had NO procedures whatsoever happening in that photograph except for mascara. in addition there was like zero photoshop or filter happening in the photo. I thought “wow, people are really hyper-focused on the physical, more than I will ever be willing to understand”. I realize how harshly women in particular may judge themselves or measure themselves and I hope that part of my share — and this seemingly alarming message from my recent conversations with women of botched procedures — can serve somehow. in our new age of tech there will always be trolls, and it won’t matter what we do or don’t do. people will draw conclusions and that’s all irrelevant stuff. what is relevant is who are you, what do you want, and why? and, if you are one of the super “woke” who is already beautiful inside and out, remember one thing: you might be tested. you might be tested to KNOW your true beauty, that comes only from within. this is what I see when I see people by the way, I can’t usually see the physical first. in fact, some of the most physically “attractive” people, I have been so utterly repulsed by with no real “reason” (except for the fact that they are hideous inside). and others have witnessed it with me! if you are woke and tested, you may end up with a botched procedure just to remind you of what and who you truly are. and perhaps that will create the gratitude that is wanting to surface like a high-tide. and make you more beautiful than ever. I am grateful for those who have recently shared their experiences with me, because I think that for some reason it will create something positive for anyone reading this. and, for me — perhaps I was going to pull the botox trigger for the first time (I have been specifically debating it for the past few months), and now I am not because this feels like a personal message from above for me.

there is no beauty as powerful as energy. it does not even exist.