new Healing Elaine® prerequisite for any and all services (including workshops, etc)

in 2003-2004 I discovered two important people. one of them is Dr. Caroline Myss, and the other author M. Scott Peck. during this period of my life, I had recently come out of my first official dark night of the soul. I was rendered homeless with my tiny cat and garbage bags of belongings as I borrowed time on a very kind acquaintance’s couch in Greenwich, CT. I write about the events surrounding this initial call to hear my own spirit, in my eBooklet 1. you can download it off of my website www.healingelaine.com/shop or under the shop tab if the link gives you trouble. as I regained my sense of self and stability after having it nefariously pursued over — and over — and over again by those who were supposed to love and support me, I found myself again diving deep into what I loved as a small child: reading.

in 2003-2004 I was a young person, with little corporate experience but a whole lot of life experience. I knew that although “other” was an interest of mine, that I had to be taken seriously before I stepped into my world purpose. this meant to me that I had to build an actual real world life for myself – which meant, I was interested in learning the actual mechanics of how people work versus escaping my body through my psyche to solve problems (i.e. fortune-telling, psychic readings, etc). I fantasized, during this time, about setting up my healing practice but I knew it was too soon. I have always been a grounded person (hi, I am a Capricorn with a Taurus Rising and an Aquarius Moon – can you tell?), but again my destiny is something that always seemed to negate “typical”. as I focused on building a career in corporate America to stabilize myself and navigate the “real world” (also so that later on, “normal” people could relate to me and me to them in this way), and move away from the chaos that had pursued and followed me my entire life, I came across the two amazing authors. I was able to meet Caroline at a book/CD signing in New York City one year. her work met me at an impasse in my life that changed the way I felt about myself, and everything around me — it connected to all that I already knew within me in a way that is hard to put into words, and I do share about this in another post dedicated to her. during this time I also encountered (for the life of me, I do not know how — I must have simply been reading a lot at this time, or really, really seeking) the work of M. Scott Peck. I read People of the Lie in 2004. I can’t say that I remember much about the book in terms of particulars in terms of reading it at THAT point in my life, because I was still largely unconscious at that time in my life, sorting through my trauma and being in my early 20s. what I can say, is that I held onto his books (all of which I still have), and that they made enough of an impression to process something, somewhere, in the back of my mind that connected dots to my own personal truth and understanding. in a nutshell: I resonate with both of the above authors and particularly Peck’s book People of the Lie.

I read this book again recently, for the first time since 2004, and it hit me like a ton of bricks: the content in this book, while not even remembering some of the stories in it from the first time I read it, matches much of my intrinsic compass and the way that I have unwittingly approached my work with others. as you may have read in other posts of mine, I never wanted to complete my psychology degree in college. for a variety of reasons. my entrance essay to both Boston University and Northeastern University, the only two schools I applied to and both of which I was accepted, was based on growing up surrounded by narcissism, depression, despair, addiction, abuse, and how it relates to the human condition — aka my hellish life experience until the glorious day when I was 18 and got to leave it all behind. I do not believe I was astute enough with my writing at that time to put all of those concepts and experiences in the same context that I would now. but I recall thinking “my grades are not that good, because since sophomore year I attended school as little as possible…I dropped all of my extra-curricular activities…maybe this essay is the only thing that will get me into these schools because someone reading it will connect to me”.

this book is a key ingredient to understanding human evil. the incredible paradox in which we currently reside, socially and otherwise on our planet, can be attributed in much depth to much of what this book discusses (and much of what my own personal writing discusses). in other words, we are confused creatures and we assign “evil” to certain ideas, labels, structures or personalities, when, in fact, it is MUCH more insidious than that.

my own personal understanding of evil, with which I have GREAT unfortunate experience, is simply: someone who lies to themselves. they are aware of the lies. they will die for the lies. they are 100% committed to the evil. the lies allow what is hidden, what is dark, to persist and corrode all that surrounds them. someone who lies to others but not to themselves (which is, let’s be honest, something we all do – we all lie, big or small, at some point and in different ways) can be free from evil. if we were not in the flesh, we could possibly be free from our lies. but we are not; we are incarnate physical beings. this, requires a level of personal honesty to be free from evil (darkness). I have always had an appreciation for those who, though perhaps I don’t care for personality-wise, are honest. this is because I always know what I am getting from them. it’s a clean feeling, even if there is a feeling of dislike or even a strong difference in beliefs. I can deal with that which I can see. I have always had an aversion — physically, and otherwise — to that which I can not see. this is evil manifest. and as the book People of the Lie points out, IT IS EVERYWHERE.

our collective moral compass is shot, but it’s an individual responsibility to change it. as we change, everything around us changes. we can blame the media, we can blame a celebrity, or we can blame our past — but if we lie to ourselves, we ARE the problem. the ability to stand alone in truth is something very few people are willing to do — because it is hard and lonely. you can be attacked, brutally, for it. many people lie to themselves. they cave to temptation. money-fame-attention: falsities. and they seem like good people. great people, even. they hide behind non-profit work. church. law. social spheres. but they can’t actually hide forever. because as more people awaken to their own core, this darkness is exposed.

I have written about and posted about my own ideas of evil. evil will never seek therapy, unless it is under the guise of proving something to someone else or manipulating the therapist himself. evil will never actually have a bottom line. evil serves to CONFUSE. have you ever felt confused by someone? as in, they are saying A, but why do you feel B? they are presenting “evidence”, which makes sense and seems to add up on the surface, but you feel otherwise? that is evil. and it runs deep. and it corrupts entire souls and human beings. I’m not being religious here, I am being scientific. but you can apply this notion to whatever context most pleases you. most of you don’t actually know what evil is, because you have been exposed to it SO OFTEN that you are confused. but the important part is how you deal with yourself, within yourself. that is the key. the redemption. THE FREEDOM. I wrote about this a bit here, on how we fail in life because we want to be liked.

with all of this said, in addition to the other two prerequisite books that I have requested anyone who inquires about working with me to read in advance, I now add a third: People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck. it is also highly suggested, if you want to work with me in some capacity, that you have been in traditional psychotherapy for at least one year. I don’t want to see people who go from ayahuasca ceremony to tea ceremony to yoga retreat to breathing retreat to meditation retreat one after the next after the next after the next, simply as a means to LEAVE THEIR BODY and never actually look at themselves. thankfully I do not attract those folks anyhow (they would likely be turned off simply by my writing, or my eyes and make some sort of projection). I have attracted a few in the past, particularly early on in my work, and they are never satisfied with what I have to say. because they can’t hear the truth. leaving your body is not truth. we do not meditate to lose ourselves (you might as well be a drug addict), we meditate to connect to ourselves. TO OUR PERSONAL TRUTH. this book is grounding, and I am a fan. the most successful cases I have had, whether consulting personally for an individual or for their business, includes those who are grounded enough to tether themselves to the psychological work realms; meaning, they are talented therapists themselves, or they are or have been actively in therapy (with a good, traditional CBT therapist — as you may note, there are really bad ones. and I’ve seen them on my journey), OR, they are simply open to therapy (aka facing the facts).

although my words are direct and may seem to resound with thunder at times, it is because of my deep passion for lending a hand to individual and collective human experience. I am just a human myself, imperfect and always learning, but I won’t ignore the fire within me that never dies. it is the fire that I was put here on earth to burn, and it supersedes all that is false. I trade off a lot to keep this fire burning. it is often a burden, but also, I believe, an incredible blessing to come.

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how and when I knew it was time to leave certain (platonic) relationships

photo by Anita Saini

I would like to first note that none of the examples that I share below are related, in any way, to my healing practice or anyone in / around it. the examples are from my strictly personal life. I hope they serve you in some way. in addition, as always, these are all MY WORDS. my experiences. not information I read or heard. everything that I write about, I have lived. and my words are my interpretations of such.

the law of physics states simply that two energies of different vibrations must match in order to stay in contact. this is more true than I could ever explain in words. I feel it all day. I’ve experienced it empirically. I write about it in nearly every single blog post, directly or indirectly. it is happening ALL OF THE TIME. to each and every one of us. it is just that we do not pay enough attention to it (much thanks to the unconscious mind, that wants to keep us trapped in the past, often in the safety of trauma that our ego adrenaline will not allow us to leave until things get bad enough).

everyone we speak with – engage with, in any way and on any level – impacts us and we impact them. the important question to ask is…how? when we begin to GROW, a funny thing happens in our relationships. we find that 1) we reside in more truth, and our relationships improve 2) we reside in more truth, and our relationships fall apart. another thing that happens, particularly when we are in our 20s, is that we do the opposite of grow – we REGRESS…this happens so that our unconscious mind may access and “fix” our trauma. we are rarely but sometimes successful in terms of escaping this — most people, sorry to say it, stay in regressed trauma forever. we regress, typically, through romantic partnerships. those are the sneakiest and strongest forms of glue to bond our mind cleverly to the past, and call it “love”. in actuality, we are working out things we do not actually want or need any longer. and so, in this way, we may find that 1) we reside in less truth, and our relationships fall apart 2) we reside in less truth, and the wrong relationships improve (taking us backward).

in 2011, I had just come out of the closet with my healing practice. I had little vistaprint cards that said “Elaine” on them, and a picture of a fairy. I was also blowing through trauma from the past, on my own, and doing a good job at it. I had attended alanon meetings for a time because I couldn’t afford therapy (no excuses — there is ALWAYS a resource for us and we do not necessarily need money for said resources — ask and ye shall find), and I was on a rigorous schedule of my own accord which included proper sleep (including a consistent bedtime), no TV, not too much social media, and daily exercise. I know, this may sound boring — but I wanted a life, and I knew that anchoring was the way to get there. I was juggling several jobs at the time, as I had been since I left corporate in 2006. I had my own consulting business, I worked part-time at a clothing store, and I was briefly in a band (I had abandoned my musical training in my early teens and I really missed it). I lived in a tiny east village apartment that I was always on the verge of getting kicked out of because I couldn’t afford it, and I had to learn how to train my mind differently — as in, learn that I was worth being paid, and also stop being afraid of my root essence (something that was robbed from me long, long ago). root essence is all things home, safety, and basic needs.

during this time, my then-bff came to NYC for a visit. although she made major money at a tech firm, she insisted on staying with me. she was always cutting corners with anything that would save her money, and she loved free shit. in retrospect, I wish I had told her “no” the dozen times she decided she would crash with me in my tiny studio versus pay for a hotel with the expense money her company gave to her. of course in hindsight, there are hundreds of things I wish I saw about her. one particular visit, I was in really hot water with my landlord. I was a couple of weeks late, and he had already shown up at my door asking for the rent. despite all of this, spiritually and emotionally and psychologically, I was doing better than ever. I was healthy on the inside, and hoping/waiting for the outside to match it. my bff invited me out to dinner with her other friend. since I knew her, I knew she would not be paying for me (despite inviting me, knowing my circumstances, AND having stayed in my apartment which inconvenienced me), but also that I could not afford it. I went anyhow, as I felt obligated. she knew my position, and simply looked the other way. again, at the time, I was USED to this selfish behavior because of my life experience, so I didn’t give it too much thought. at dinner, I remember feeling my own divine energy in a new way. I was not dating or in a relationship or in some idea of false power, so it was definitely mine. by the way, it is really important to note what is “yours” – if you are in a new relationship or have a new pay raise or promotion happening and you think THAT is your divine energy, that is a big mistake. that is called EXTERNAL validation and essentially, fake happiness. at any rate, I could feel more divine core during this period of my life like never before – despite the difficulty that I was having. I recall so vividly, the look of anger and discontent on her face during dinner. this would not be the last time that I would see this look — it would grow and grow, as my life and inner world each blossomed and grew and grew. after dinner, we took a walk around the city and I pet some horses that the police were riding downtown (this always really bothers me). after that night, I got a really odd email from my then-bff…

the email said that she was concerned for my mental health. because, simply, of how “different” I seemed at dinner, and how it was odd that I was petting the horses. it almost seemed like a joke, that email, which I have saved and downloaded to this day. in that moment, I knew: she was describing herself. but she didn’t know it. in the email, she said that her instinct was “to distance myself from you” — imagine that. my energy had changed so much for the better, that over a decade of friendship was on the line. as a side note, if I were to even BEGIN to list the 100 things about this individual that I now can not believe I overlooked, you might fall over. at any rate, I responded to the email and passed it off without any drama. shortly after that time, I find out that this once seeming straight-laced person is blowing coke every weekend (never an interest of mine) – because she told me so. I also find out, because she told me so, that she was sleeping with her married boss whose wife was pregnant with their third child. all of this, like it was no big deal. yet she was concerned about MY well-being, and how that reflected upon “HER”…

I had overlooked much of this type of behavior of hers, for many years in fact, until I couldn’t overlook it any longer. all the while, every criticism that she had of me, was actually of herself. and the tipping point came when I ACTUALLY became even healthier. it was staggering to me, how much an energy shift and a shift in consciousness will just absolutely not allow you to even live in the same state as someone. be on the phone with them. converse with them in any way. I was doing the inner work, and it showed. it actually began showing up in my relationships — and, the best part was, that I understood it. and so I allowed whatever needed to fall apart, to fall apart. the reasons that I had overlooked much of her behavior up until that point were really basic ones: she appeared really together, she had a high profile job, we had been friends for a really long time, and it felt like family. she was the things that I was taught to value — how people SEEMED, versus who they actually WERE. I had yet to fully address the actual meaning of that word: family. what I knew was, it didn’t include being treated poorly.

as I grew and became stronger, she became worse and worse. all the while, maintaining her fake, “together” appearance. the pinnacle came when anyone and everyone who was like her — intrinsically — I walked away from…and they all got together to talk. LOL! this is how strong the notion of vibration is, folks. all that matches will bond together and not even truly know why…all that does not match will be ripped apart, and the surface reasons will not even make sense at the time. that is how it felt with my former bff. the fact is, you will be attacked for your light when those around you [intrinsically] lack it. that is your cue to keep moving, with grace.

another example that I would like to share was perhaps even more difficult to figure out, in contrast to a more blatant experience such as I had with the former bff. this example is with a therapist I saw for 2 years. now, those of you reading this who work in mental health (thank you, thank you by the way to those of you who I have never even met for the referrals of other therapists who you have sent my way or inadvertently sent my way by telling them about me) know that a large percentage of “therapists” go into the practice because they are mentally unwell themselves. I’ve seen it many, many times. they think that their intelligence is so grand that it can bypass their own unconscious — it can not. they think that by helping others, they are fixing themselves — they can not, it does not work that way. many therapists, though intellectually intelligent, remain damaged; as they continue to use intellect to bypass deep, deep unconscious experiences that have not even begun to surface — because they are blocked by the intellectual commitment to fix others instead. that said, I was REALLY nervous about finding the right therapist. I hopped around for ages from early 20s on, and never ever was consistent in therapy — because I found that most of them were NUTS. I felt rather hopeless about finding anyone who not only could help me, but who knew something that I did not already know. and who was not certifiably crazy. I was often 10 steps ahead of each person I saw, and some of them ended up sort of asking me for advice – I would walk away knowing that I had opened something in THEM, and scared to find out that MY person (therapist) didn’t exist. at any rate, I found someone I thought could work. because I did not find them to be crazy, and they had many years of experience, I settled in. I could never, however, set a SPECIFIC or consistent day and time each week — I always had to call to schedule the next session. that, in and of itself, is a sign that some part of the equation did not fully work. because, commitment IS commitment, period. I couldn’t fully commit. but, I committed to the best of my knowing at that time and I DID commit to my own internal process. I went nearly weekly anyhow. in the very first session, I could tell that this person didn’t fully have me sized up, because of the questions they were asking me. I also felt they had to really state their power or boundaries, which told me that they felt threatened by me in some way. but, at the same time, I knew they had knowledge to share, so I stayed. for 2 years. I appreciate the time that I had with this person. but, there came a time when I had to go…and, just like the above example I shared with my former bff, that time came when I GREW…

I went through a terrible time in the outer world as it relates to my business and theft/censorship. that is a whole other enchilada. ironically, I entered therapy with this person right before it ALL began…and I left, right as it all began to reveal itself. as the facts surrounding my outer world tangible problems began to reveal, and I didn’t actually know they were revealing in the way that they would, I felt again that power inside of me bubbling up (heavily contrasting the outer world struggle). something in me had awoken further, and I can’t for the sake of time adequately explain what that felt like in writing. perhaps that is another post for me to write. what I knew, is that I WAS CLOSER TO TRUTH – period. and as this was happening, my then-therapist mentioned to me that she was “concerned about me”…hmmm…the irony here, is that it was only THIS WEEK in 2019 that I connected the dots in relationship to what my former bff had said to me about a decade ago as I was growing spiritually and emotionally…that she was “concerned” about me…and I see a much larger pattern now, with perhaps everyone in my life who had outgrown their purpose.

I was really caught off guard with my then-therapist because of her words, but I had also resolved (prior to entering therapy) to accept that I might actually never find someone who could see my big-picture. I was ok with it, I had surrendered to being lonely in that way. I was grateful for whatever insights she had and although knowledge is NOT experience, at least it is knowledge that I didn’t have to go online for, and I could share a banter about it with an actual person. during this time, literally everything had been stripped away from me (again – I recognize my life is not normal, but I know that it is relative to my purpose hence me writing here, for you) and I couldn’t afford to see her. when I say I couldn’t afford to see her, I am not saying it in the way that people throw that around when they have an ACTUAL savings and a line of credit (which boils my blood, my the way, because those statements about “not having money” are about CONTROL, about EGO, not fact)…I actually couldn’t afford a cab downtown because there was no credit for it anyway. when I get bottomed out like that — and by the way many people do get bottomed out like that and go on to write best-sellers or have amazing businesses so I do not consider it a “failure” in life — I know the people in my life are probably going to change as well. and, if I don’t see it at the time, I see it later and understand why. I went for a couple more sessions while I internally felt better than ever, but externally witnessed my life falling apart again. she looked at me strangely and brought up odd topics like politics…which informed me of her own trauma and relationship to my GROWTH. there I was again, growing…and it was causing someone to be “concerned” for me…and the Universe decided for me that it was time to go. a few months later, I knew that the right thing had happened — I was supposed to move forward now. I had outgrown that therapist. I would also like to note that I now have the therapist of my absolute dreams. it’s like “the” relationship of your life — when you know, you know. I knew on day one, that he was “the one”. I suppose this is how all important life decisions are supposed to go as they relate to people. we always know on day one, whether we admit that to ourselves or not.

evolving and truly growing feels like the land of Oz. when you grow to a point in which you actually give birth to a new energy inside of you, because you have been doing the work, you will outgrow many people. it does not, of course, make those people bad. but it lets you know that they are part of your old reality. this can feel extremely trippy. it can almost feel as though one is having a psychotic break, if you can imagine what that might feel like. the reason that people have such a hard time with the people around them growing and moving into TRUTH, is that they do not have the proper tethering to stay together when truth is presented — either in fact, or intrinsically in another person such as I was presenting to both my former bff and my then-therapist. it actually caused them to feel untethered, and their go-to was to deflect (without knowing it, of course), and be concerned about ME. they were concerned for themselves.

there is no end to how many layers we each have, and how much we can grow. when we spend time with others, we MUST match them on some level. when we no longer match them, the Universe simply separates the two forces like oil and water. it finds all kinds of ways to do so. the art of allowing will carry you through, as this occurs. those who do not want to change, and who do not want to see the truth, will find ways to attack you — not because they want to hurt you, but because they are so afraid of seeing “what is”. this translates to the entire debacle we are now seeing with big tech, and let me tell you that we are just at the tip of the iceberg that will melt and melt and melt…while people meltDOWN, over it. I have always wondered what the “big event” would be in this world, to finally land or bridge people on the “same page” (meaning TRUTH)…would it be aliens landing that everyone could see at the same time? would it be a big news scandal that was too mainstream to miss? well, whatever “it” is, is well on its way. and I continue to do my best to remain understanding of how and why people can not see truth. it is not because they don’t want to, but rather if they untether something in their unconscious mind, they mind literally lose it. and I believe that the powers that be upstairs, know this. that is why we are not all on the same page at the same time. for whatever that is worth to you.

when your relationships start to shift and change, ask yourself: 1) am I growing 2) am I around someone who is actually negatively impacting me, but I just can’t see it because it is in my house of trauma 3) what are my internal versus external particulars … answering those questions soundly will assist you. the only “wrong” way to do things, is to go against our SELF in some way in this life. that is when we pay the ultimate price. so, if you are doing things to the best of your ability and not lying to yourself, take a deep breath, let it out, and let go of worrying about whether or not you are on the right track. everything that needs to follow, in the sphere of people and relationships, will.

*as always, please revisit the link to this article — I often do not edit my first draft before publishing (yes, there are reasons). I often edit a day or two later at which point reading this a second time may make more sense anyhow.

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the Dalai Lama, women’s looks, and the foolery of the human ego & body

©Healing Elaine®, photo by Anita Saini

inspired by ignorant trolling.

dear entire population of planet earth,

it is possible to be out-of-this-world intelligent, spiritual, talented, powerful, authoritative, authentic, unique, successful, AND…physically beautiful.

don’t get it? it’s ok. I did not get it either at one point.

for reference to my very personal experience and perspective on looks/aesthetics and all physical bodied things that the media manipulates us with, please refer to my in depth (and free — not all of them are anymore) article here.

challenges inspire me. ignorances inspires me. pains inspires me.

I have always been a deep person. MEANING, I have always, always weighed the core of a person first, versus their external appearance. however, like most human beings, I was brainwashed to believe that an individual (for the sake of this article and relative to the Dalai Lama comment, I will speak about “women” — so, whatever that means to YOU) — a woman — had to choose: am I smart, or am I beautiful?

clearly we all understand, to a degree, that advertising and the grand social and human (tech) experiment that we are all under is to thank for early life confusion around inner versus outer as it relates to our human experience. thankfully, I did NOT grow up with social media. I didn’t even have a cell phone in high school. so, with that said, I feel like I am between two generations in terms of HOW a person builds their identity, relative to our current/modern day world as it relates to societal messaging. so when I was young, many “moms” still stayed at home. while I can not speak for anyone else’s personal experience, I will say that my own (feel free to refer to any other blog post that will further inform you about my background) experience dictated brain VERSUS looks — brain OR looks — when it came to a “woman”. in conjunction with that, I was a surrogate wife for a male caretaker from a very young age, and I was told that although my female caretaker was “beautiful”, that she wasn’t smart. but that I WAS.

when I was 8, my head was shaved. I write about this in my other article. if you have any sort of a psych background, you can guess as to why that was mandated. the entire night before the big event (which, by the way, I HAVE COMPLETELY BLACKED OUT – I CAN NOT REMEMBER AND I WANT TO), I do remember crying myself to sleep. it wasn’t much different from any other night for me, except I felt that I was about to lose my identity. I did NOT want my shoulder length locks chopped. and, they were shaven. all the kids at school tortured me about it, and the “cut” happened twice. it was a buzz cut. everyone thought I was a boy. which, had I felt like a boy, would have been fine. but I didn’t feel like a boy.

as I grew up, and grew beyond having my essence and identity stripped in THAT way (among many others), I was constantly reminded of how smart I was (alternating in between beatings and punishments, for reasons I still can not recall). smart was all I had. “doing well” and making others happy was all I had. if I did not have that, and I was “beautiful”, then I would be forsaken. tossed aside. plus, I saw how fast “beauty” could disappear — with only a number 5 razor cutter! I HAD TO SHOW MY INTELLIGENCE! I did it, before age 15 when I quit everything, through sports music and academics. I constantly won awards. by the time I was a teenager, “things” started to catch up with me. I had little energy. I felt sick all of the time, more so than the regular feelings of fatigue and sickness as a child (I used to randomly vomit in the middle of the night, awoken that way straight out of my sleep). so I quit symphonic orchestra as a lead flautist. I quit the Varsity tennis team I made as a freshman, upon my sophomore year. I quit piano (I was classically trained and played by ear, and wrote my own music and lyrics). I stopped attending classes (I was voted “least likely to be seen”). when I was in school, I took long naps in the nurse’s office and needed notes for missed classes. I often slept through my first couple of classes despite drinking coffee. so, I sort of…”lost” all that I was praised for. and, I still just didn’t GET the looks thing…

as I “blossomed”, if you can call it that, I received male attention. quite frankly, I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t date or sleep around. I had a serious monogamous relationship for 3 years as my first relationship. but I embraced myself as “an attractive woman”. though, I could never fully “let go”. although many of my outfits were from a Britney Spears catalog circa 1999, and because well how fun was clubbing in the 90s and early 2000s before social media!?, I still needed to be “smart”. part of my way of managing that was to not date around or sleep around, even after my first break up. I can’t say that I regret it one way or another, what I “did not”, do. but I know that I was terrified of being judged for being beautiful. now, how to get around that judgement?

during my junior year in high school, one of my caretaker’s took my sister to a modeling casting call. I went along to support it. while there, the director of the agency gave me her card. I was one out of thousands in the long line wrapped around Time’s Square. I called her, I met her, she offered to work with me and pay me for a weekly gig (weekly runway shows at a restaurant for lunch), and I never went back. I turned down dozens of these sorts of opportunities in my teens and twenties. although it would have been perfectly acceptable for me to enjoy my “looks”, I could not bring myself to focus on that. one, because of my past. and two, because I wanted to show the world that the body we carry is NOT who we are. to this day, THAT is my mission. and, I am still working on the former. I am working on further embracing the silly “physical” package that we all place so much importance on. it fascinates me.

so when a troll (I do not open private messages on social media platforms, though I have sent them on rare occasion) online recently suggested that do not have a right to post “Vogue” photos of myself while being spiritual at the same time, I was…inspired.

if you read my post on the Kardashians here, you will understand what I think of a human body. it’s…just a human body. but we all know…that that is not how we FEEL. the human body does all kinds of things, because: procreation. obviously. and so we go in and out of ego, constantly. therein lying the IRONY I will present to this world.

when I started Healing Elaine®, I hid behind a middle name and NO PHOTO. for several years. to be perfectly clear, early on, I was TERRIFIED of anyone knowing what I looked like. why is that? partly because of all of the above — I know how people judge people. but also, because well, I did too, just a teeny bit. I judged mySELF. I still didn’t see how a woman could be beautiful AND spiritual. beautiful AND intelligent. because of all of the things that I mention above.

I no longer reside in the above space, mentally. one of the reasons that my protocol states I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU BEFORE I MEET YOU, it is because I am alive — which means I have ego, in order to actually physically STAY alive. which comes from experience. which translates to “logic”. I don’t want any logic for my sessions, that’s not how “it” works anyhow. so the more being, and the less human I can be, the best. and no longer residing in a space of confusion about whether I am “allowed” to be physically “beautiful” by society’s crazy standards and instructions, I am “out of the closet” in this way. I am not hiding. in fact, I am FULLY embracing all of me — body, mind and spirit. do you know what that really means?

it means breaking barriers. lots of people talk about folks like Marilyn Monroe being “feminist” figures — now no offense Ms. Norma Jean, the only things I have heard about you are that you slept around with other people’s men and were a Hollywood “sex symbol”. clearly, you were much more than that – we are not our physical. and while I place no judgement, I SAY, you were not known for your mind. so, how could we (society) ever combine both? many famous women “got there” because they got naked. this was also my greatest desire to NOT lead with — my appearance. the reason being, not that I thought it wrong — I do not find Marilyn Monroe to be wrong, I do not find stripping to be wrong, and I do not find anything that a “woman” wants to do with her body or how she wants to present it to be wrong. nope, not even one tinge of a bit. but for ME, for MY PURPOSE, I knew that I could not lead with that. and obviously, I never wanted to lead with it anyhow. and that, I knew, was important, because PEOPLE WOULD NOT GET IT. so I built an entire business first, which focuses solely on the intangible. the part that MATTERS in our human circus game of life. the part we overlook. the only part that matters. and I built it well. it spans all countries, all religions, all backgrounds, and of course hence, “looks”. the best part for me, for my heart, is that all of these people, the people I have worked with, knew me before they “saw” me. that feels like heaven to a girl like me, who just wanted to be SEEN as a small child — and not for her looks.

the Dalai Lama was once asked, “if you could reincarnate as anything or anyone, what and who would it be?” – he answered, “a beautiful woman. because then everyone would listen to me”. I will let you ponder that quote on your own.

my point is, I am just now real-time old enough to “know a lot” – yet still young enough to be “relevant” (thanks, mainstream media and beauty industry) because of how I look physically. I will take advantage of both of those things at the same time. I will not feel guilty about it. I know that one of those things isn’t real. and as I do not hold back, hopefully I set a new standard for how the world relates to tangible and intangible “beauty”.

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Greece, now

photo by Anita Saini

nothing like the last minute! end of season is the best season.

however, nearly every session happens days after I connect with someone. every workshop and retreat has been the same. the reason is one that many will not understand, but perhaps will relate to in the sense of a weather pattern (within the context of energy)…where we are at today, will not be where we are at tomorrow or next week. making plans is great, but…when we shift and grow quickly so does our (physical) reality. don’t understand what this means? consider a “psychic” reading, and assuming you believe in them…when someone says “I can’t predict time, but I can see the event”, it is because the tides and winds of our lives are constantly changing (based on our inner world, and choices – the slightest light-bulb moment, realization or shift will create the biggest change). so, from my vantage point in terms of planning and booking things, two things occur: 1) I feel, carry, and manage the entire weight of the energy I am connected to (and everything connected to IT), and doing that beyond a week or so until we meet on the physical plane can be quite the feat  2) I am a FAST changer, personally — as I blow through lessons in my personal life, on all levels — the slightest shift in me creates the biggest change in terms of what my life looks like: therefore schedule — who, where, what, and when. is this cryptic for you? if not, then you are either a former patient, or you already really “get” my work.

with all of that said…there are two definitive parts of Greece (which is a retreat – we simply work there not “here”): 1) a solo journey with me for 5 days, or 2) a more-than-one-person journey with me and another person(s) for 5 days. that will encompass two different fees (commensurate with my standard session fees; and, I no longer make concessions or considerations around not honoring my worth by attempting to trim time or cost — thank you to my incredible therapist for helping me to see the necessity of this quotient even more clearly) depending upon which. you may inquire at 917.985.1221 by leaving a voicemail and your first name. do not email me if you have emailed me in the past – I no longer use that email.

see you there or here, or out there now or later!

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