photo by Jennifer Santaniello
once upon a time, I was immediately post-college and post massive awakening — huge ego death, my life had crumbled around me in every way possible, and I truly entered my first CONSCIOUS dark night of the soul (you can read about it here in my eBooklet 1). I had moved back to the Northeast where I was raised, and I was trying to stabilize my life — i.e. get a good/boring job, find a place to live and pay my rent, and daydream about my next steps.
before I had moved back to the Northeast, and during my period of substantial change and chaos, I often ventured out on the town (alone). I loved being alone! (still do). I never knew what the night might hold in terms of who I would meet, or what energy I would feel in xyz space. I would turn on music, pre-party alone, and head out in one of my wild outfits (during this time I also wore a lot of fake hair — a LOT of it) that made me feel like a character in a marvel movie. one night I went to this particular spot that was the spot of the moment. it was always filled with well-known actors, musicians and athletes, and I loved peering in on their world. I didn’t want to be part of it (because I knew what it entailed and either it wasn’t for me, or it wasn’t my “time”), but I did like being around it. I liked being invited places with those people because I found them super interesting and my energy felt safe with other “weirdos” who had somehow “made it”. at this one spot as I refer to above, a man approached me. usually I kept to myself, danced alone in a corner, and just enjoyed observing. on this particular night, I spoke with this very well-mannered, well-dressed man. actually, he was too well-dressed. I almost felt like a peasant around him, lol. he also smelled VERY good. to this day I do not know what flavor of cologne he sported. everything about him was special, worldly, and…intense. he was a laid back guy, had traveled the world, owned hotels in various spots, C-suited/worked in like 3 different industries which were totally unrelated, and rubbed elbows with really incredible people. I kept wanting to understand how he got to where he was, as he was the truest unicorn I had ever met. he was older than me, maybe 15-20 years. I was about 23 or so at the time. while I found him attractive and all of the above, I was not attracted to him. I also found him to be old, lol. in my early 20s I thought that 30+ was dinosaur territory, and I also thought that there was something possibly wrong with anyone who was single over 30. again, lol. anyhow, my new friend made it clear that he had traveled the world and never met an energy like mine before. he was interested. and so at the time, and perhaps for years after that, I just thought that compliment about my energy and being was a come-on. but his words/compliment would resonate super loudly later on…
after a series of explosive bombs and warfare ignited in my internal and external worlds, a couple of years had passed and we were still in touch. he had a to-die-for apartment spanning the penthouse of a wall street building, and he invited me for a night out on the town. I had always felt safe with him despite his interest in me, because he never once made me feel uncomfortable. he took care of me like an older brother would. I did not realize, at the time, how potentially rare it was for a grown man to spend time with a female he was interested in, and ask nothing of her other than platonic friendship. at any rate, we went out for my first night on the NYC town in years. we went to all of the “see and be seen” spots, and back then before social media destroyed the social night life, this was a really great scene. it attracted energy based on actual attraction, not promotion. there was a vibe, in certain places, that can’t be artificially created. as we ordered our first drinks — vodka cranberry — we took a sip and went to the dance floor. within moments he began talking to someone and I began to feel something I’d never felt before. my entire body began to flood with light. I don’t know how else to describe it. I had never taken a party drug before, and certainly never encountered anything that had made me feel that good, and the only thing I could compare this feeling to was being on a ton of pain killers post surgery. but it was beyond even that. as I stood with my drink, feeling this pure ecstasy, I immediately got nervous that I had been slipped a drug. which was nearly impossible. my friend was a health nut, didn’t believe in drugs, and woke up every day at 5am to do yoga at sunrise. I put my drink down and kept feeling my body. I felt so good that I was afraid. it contradicted almost everything I had ever felt in my life, up until that point. I looked around the room again for anyone who might have been the culprit of this intense high I was feeling out of nowhere. I could not pinpoint it, and I almost wanted it to stop because I had no control over knowing the source or the reason for this feeling. at some point the feeling passed, I mentioned it to my friend, and we went back to his incredible penthouse. he let me know that he doesn’t invite people over, not even close friends, because he didn’t want their “energy” in his space. again, I thought he was just trying to compliment me. I went to sleep in his guest room, and I recall feeling just very good and safe. I woke up at 530am to use the bathroom and I saw him doing yoga through his bedroom door. then I went home and forgot all about the experience I had that night.
a couple of years later, I was still forging my path of difficulty and working many different jobs. my interests were so varied and I was concerned that I would never amount to anything on paper because I was pulled in so many different directions. after working in finance and corporate trade and barter, and then advertising, I jumped ship to be my own boss. one of my next “jobs” was photo-doubling on a TV show. I had some direction, but it was all foreign territory and most people around me didn’t understand what I was doing or why. one day on set, my body began to buzz again. loud. I immediately flashed back to the experience that I had with my older man friend that night, in the nightclub. I thought well, ok, definitely no one has slipped me any kind of mind or body altering substance, and I remember this feeling. as I sat on breaks on set that day, I began googling like a maniac. I came across kundalini rising. BAM. things started to make sense…I consciously understood what was brewing inside of me.
I looked back at the time that I met this special man. I recalled his overwhelming resonance with my energy field. I recalled being at my rock bottom in all ways in life, feeling like a complete mess, but recognizing that people still wanted to be around me….??? I thought about how during that phase of destruction, there was a new energy birthing inside of me. I couldn’t recognize it at the time, but others sure did…I realized that this first period of tremendous difficulty in my life was maybe somehow connected to this…kundalini thing I was reading about!? but what was it? I connected the first set of dots and realized that my chakras were experiencing a cleansing during the time that I met my friend. they continued, during my years of difficulty, to clear. and when we reconnected a couple of years later, I was able to “meet” the energy that he had recognized in me, but that I could not yet see in myself. I HAD to call him from the TV set that day…
my eyes began to well up as I understood the fact that he “saw” me. I realized that it was more than a physical or intellectual attraction to/from him. and I realized that the power of his being intimidated me, though I loved being around it. as I reached out to him that day on set, I told him “my entire body is buzzing — I think I am experiencing a kundalini awakening/rising, do you know what that is?” we had never spoken about kundalini or many such words that the average person doesn’t throw around in their vocabulary. he said to me “this is the energy that we have been sharing since the day that we met”. even writing this makes my eyes well up with tears. this was the first “real” connection that I had with another human being, and I was so young. I had nothing to compare it to. he was there to prompt some of my own energy that no one else could prompt. this is real, by the way. we all have meridian lines that only certain people can help us ignite. we are equal in rights not in energy. know this!!!
looking back at this period of my life, I feel great affection for it. I had not realized at the time, how special this man was in my life. he also seemed “too good”, if that makes sense. I never thought I could measure up to his class, his achievements, his worldly knowing, etc. I would not say that I felt inadequate, but perhaps just rather in awe. and as I recall our encounters I shudder in the resonance that he “saw” me the whole time. even when I did not see myself. and if he had explained what that truly was at the time, I would not have understood it anyhow. he knew and understood things that I did not, during that time. and he let me be. because he didn’t see me, he saw…ME. my first experience with kundalini involved being seen. SEEN.
our processes are always met with the right people and the right energies, at the right time. someone may be assisting us in ways that we will not understand until much later in life. knowing how divinely ordered this seems to have been in my life brings me tremendous peace. even on my worst days. understanding the chaos as well as the bliss brings me tears of joy and gratitude.
kundalini energy is something that we share with a certain soul group. this is my belief, I have not read that belief anywhere else (yet). and again it is because we are each so different in our energetic make-up. sometimes we “stumble” upon one of its group members during a strange time in our life. I have concluded that it is usually during a chaotic time. and the person we will stumble upon will have already passed through the eye of the needle. and in doing so, when the two energies connect, the seasoned energy can hold space for the person who has no idea what is about to hit them/their life. it’s fucking beautiful.