photo by Pia Oyarzun
I am back.
if you have been keeping up with my instagram posts, you might be somewhat up-to-date as to my various statuses.
long story short: for 14 months beginning July 2017, I lost (was robbed) full control over my property and then-some. as the issues at hand finally began to become addressed, I invested time since this past August fully solving them. I won’t bore with further specific details, other than to say that my very last blog post (though cryptic as some or many of my posts may be or seem) sums up the entire experience. now, I am back. I have full control over my property. there are no more tangible leeches, bottom-feeders, or snake-oil sellers stealing from or tampering with my life’s work which has been put into this blog/site. it feels amazing to be back. to have MY life’s work back. if you have been following me for a while and even if you haven’t, you will notice that I am not some roadside or pop-up sudden trending “healer”. what I do has lived and burned inside of me since the day I was born. this is why it was not just important for me to recover my property, but rather it felt like life or death to me in terms of recovering it. because in essence it was. my work is my life, and my writing is my life. it is my purpose, and why I breathe. no matter what else I do, no matter how many children I have or what friendships or partnerships in my life last, THIS is my core before all else. so there’s that. a snippet of what my blog/IP/writing/business means to me.
now that I am back, I have a new life force. usually that is what happens when we are crushed for any period of time. to be clear: I woke up every single day for 14 months and could not solve the above issue. it was like watching someone walk into my house every single day, take whatever they want, eat my food, leave, and never be able to lock the door. this was another death of self, like I write about in my eBooklet(s), that I went through. and at the end of the day, I had to re-learn one thing: no one can take my essence. no one can take what my purpose for being is, represents and calls for. it reminds me of the many people who have attempted to take my knowledge or work, and replicate it for themselves (in their blogs, for their “healing practices” and so on) — it will never, ever work. what we own comes from our core. we can never borrow or steal someone else’s purpose. though many try. in both the tangible and intangible realms. which always amazes me. and yet it happens so often. and as it does, combined with the new life force that I have resurrected from within this past year-plus, I realize now more than ever that it is time to complete my first big book.
the truth is, I can be very unstructured. I like to learn on my own versus be taught or gleam from others. perhaps to a fault. I have called it “being authentic”, when perhaps it is also ironically and partially…lazy? it has been hard for me to get structured and take the human steps to finish my big book and get it published. I call it my “big book” because I have obviously written a ton (a dear friend and revered Pulitzer winner told me several years ago at this point that I have at least 3-6 books in my blog alone) and I have published my eBooklets 1-6. but those are not official books like I want on a bestseller list. the truth also is that I have procrastinated. I have felt an aversion to “processes”. human processes. I know that this holds me back. as someone once said to me, I am “fire” — and “fire” people abhor structure. this would be me, in many senses. yet, how long can I continue to wake up each day, focusing solely on helping others, without taking the steps I know I am called for to get this first big book done? the answer is, no longer. part of what happened with having my property and being tampered with (aside from the fact that for as far back as I can remember I do attract, in the outside world, obsessive, obsessed, and often empty energies looking to fill themselves up with me — hence giving themselves some “identity”) is the realization that executing a purpose I have been dragging my feet in fulfilling will only anchor me further. and anchors are good for someone like me who lives such a maverick lifestyle. furthermore, not that I don’t already own all of my work in both writing and beyond, with my first book there is no escaping what is intrinsic to me.
it has been hard to know, at times, whether I was just being lazy about writing and publishing this first big book, or if I was simply attuned to timing. since I focus on many things at once (always been this way, always will be — yet I must counter that with structure!), I was constantly feeling into the timing. I got quite a bit of pressure from those around me, and quite a bit of encouragement such as from my Pulitzer winner friend which was lovely, to get this first big book (and a series) DONE. one of the tipping points for me, though, was last week. after about 3 years of knowing I HAD to do this, last week tipped me over. I had a call with my tarot reader upstate. before you roll your eyes at that, this person works on cold cases for the NY police departments. she is no joke. I was once averse to things like tarot, believe it or not. I didn’t even pick up and use a deck of my own until last week. it was a deck she gifted me two years ago. anyhow, during our call for my reading (it’s like a lengthy weather report on my life), she mentioned the following, which really hit a nerve: “the cards say you are missing a writing opportunity”. good Lord. I know and knew what she was talking about. but nothing had fully lit the fire within me until that moment. she had mentioned my writing many times prior, I had prayed on receiving inspiration from source as to when to execute it, but nothing had really connected to my core like our phone call last week. and so here I am.
since I have never taken a technical writing course in my life (to be honest, I barely remember college — I was in a fog nearly the entire time, though I was a Journalism major and I don’t recall doing too well in any of the classes), I finally began one. it was recommended to me by one of the greatest novelists of our time. this person is amazing. it has taken this person years to write just one novel, so I get how serious the process can be. and I can’t say I feel terribly behind, because like this person also told me, I have several books alone in my blog. so, it’s…there. I write every single day. I can’t help it. but, what I do need help with is the organization. the technical. and so I have started the course. I previously felt averse to taking this course, which I had access to a couple of years ago. I signed up for it, and never dove in. now, I have dived in. I am in it. and I am saying all of this because when I announce something, it means I HAVE to do it. even if it happens years later. as far as my first book is concerned, no, it will not be years later. it can’t be. the urgency is now. and today I woke up with the fire in my heart and mind to attack the technical and real-world organizational aspects of completing this book that usually make me cringe. this is the fire I have been waiting for. the green light. I suppose I will know, in time, if my impulse was a green light from spirit / source / God, or if it was something else. since I have lost sleep over the years knowing that I was procrastinating on a HUGE part of my purpose. I guess if you follow me and have interest in what I write, you, too, will find out!
we are in a time and space full of lemmings. I was nearly 30 years old before I used any kind of social media. I CAN NOT for the life of me imagine what my life would be like if I looked at these fake apps and compared my life to “influencers” (truly, what is that REALLY, anyhow?) or any of the other seemingly absolutely obscure “important” people or “instagram businesses” out there. I probably sound old. but it is true. none of it makes sense to me. probably because almost none of it is real. and thankfully I have not been conditioned on that front. anyone about 8 years + younger than me is less lucky. it’s just what it is. but there is also this: aside from the lemming disease our society suffers from, I believe in part due to these crazy and unimportant “trending” apps and so on, we are also in a time and space in which true, individual and authentic purpose is rising. as we all know, true, individual and authentic purpose has been dangerous since the beginning of time. I won’t bother going into why and all of the details. but it’s the truth. anyone who thinks differently has been persecuted — because thinking differently is born from purpose. purpose, ahead of its time, is ripe for persecution. period. I am sure you can think of many different examples right now as you read this. so, as I reflect on the last decade since I began writing and really intensely studying the earth’s energy and the collective and those on the leading edge of the woo-woo, I see a staggering and often laughable lightning bolt increase in “spiritual” healers and therapists and writers, etc. and I say this because, most of the information is not original. it is regurgitated. and there is nothing truly wrong with that, when it is put in the context of someone’s personal and authentic life experience. often it is not, because there are very young people doing this, because now it is “cool” (thank you again, instagram and trendy social apps). in 2004 when I first began listening to Caroline Myss (on tape cassette in my car), there was no one else like her out there doing what she does. I connected to her lectures on a level that nearly sent me into a samadhi for hours on end, daily. even her simple lectures put me into a near-trance state, because of the resonance at my CORE. it was in 2003 that I endeavored to begin my healing practice, but fear kept stopping me. plus, who wants to listen to sage-like advice from an early 20-something who hasn’t lived yet? at least that was my story. I still did not know enough. I was too young. I had nothing to apply my “knowledge” to. knowledge and information are not experience. and this is the void that, right now, must be filled. since 2004, I began diving deep into the world of physics and energy and understanding it. I became a near-recluse in 2006 after I left corporate and began quietly working on people energetically. and when I finally felt confident enough to “say who I am” in early 2011, I could count on my hand the number of healers or intuitives I knew of even worldwide. there was no one on yelp, no reiki healer or intuitive, except for myself and two other people. that’s it. a less-than handful. plus the intuitive I met early on in NYC who no longer resides here. one of them. and I don’t know how they would feel about being mentioned here so I won’t share at this time. but they are the real deal. since 2011, there are now not only hundreds but THOUSANDS of “healers” and “intuitives”. every year that I collected testimonials on yelp I would key word search “reiki” or “healer” and the incline was…off the charts. aside from nearly 50 people who I assisted in starting their own healing practices (I won’t bother talking about the ones who pretend they do not know me now), the numbers leap-frogged annually. now they are leap-frogging monthly if not daily. so, what gives??
mostly trend. let’s be honest. no one comes out of the closet easily. when I did, it felt like I was being lit on fire. I was terrified. for about 2-3 years straight. as I have already written about in various posts, I hid my face and used only my middle name. I did not want to be known, judged, skewered. that didn’t last. but the point is, I did not “come out” on trend. “on-trend” opposes all that I stand for. second, the reason for this sudden “emergence” in “reiki masters” and “healers” and “psychics” and so on has to do with a few people doing it and making it “ok” for the rest. and then finally, well, I write about the physics of energy as it relates to our planet earth: people ARE waking up at a lightning pace, specifically since 2008. I won’t go into details here as to why. but another reason for this sudden rise in what was once considered “new age” pertains to the earth’s energy. and the truth is, the collective as a whole has more access than ever to healing energy and intuition. we were all born with a degree of it. and now many people think they are different, special, or even cool because they can tap into it. there is nothing cool about any of it. it’s just human nature. and though this might sound a little grey in terms of how I describe why the masses are coming forward in this former new-age context, I do think it is generally a good thing. for this “work” (let’s be clear — most people do not know what they are doing, and right now “healing” is like the wild wild west in terms of any authentically qualifying factors) to be trending, at least it is opening people to what might possibly exist in the realms that we can not see, hear, or touch in palpable 3d (another trendy word now) form.
as things speed up with this “trend” of all things “healing”, water and oil WILL separate. perhaps that is what has inspired me to finally complete and publish my first book. because much of what I know, via experience not knowledge, is based on thousands of individual and lengthy personal case studies via my private practice. I have learned SO MUCH through my work. and now, I want to share what I have learned in a positive sense so that people may actually and genuinely — cutting through the trendy fluff out there — benefit from. since I did not choose this path from my mind, I want to share my core — the way that Caroline Myss did with me when I was a young person in my early years, trying to understand life and the way that I am made. the individuals I have the honor of seeing and working with via my practice remind me of the person I was when I first heard Caroline — they often carry the template of knowledge, but have nothing and no one outside of them to activate it. because it can not be activated by anything less that a MATCH — a core, authentic activation. reading some trendy article in a popular “wellness” magazine just isn’t going to cut it. and there are many, many people out there who will benefit from core knowing because it will activate their purpose — and those around them will respond to the core purpose within them that allows them to share on subjects that are trending, yet need to be discussed responsibly. we have plenty of other specialists in this world doing other things that keep things running. and so this new territory is crucial, because it is unchartered and, well, unmonitored. which can confuse a lot of people.
so, where am I at today with my work? I am continuing to flush out my TEM work. I am taking very few SLS (super luxury session) sessions (both local and destination sessions). I am writing my first big book. and as always, if you think we are a perfect match, I would love to hear from you. when and where there is destiny, there is…destiny. it has always amazed me that my most revelational sessions occur with a person who thought I would never call them back. I can relate to that feeling myself. because when we are truly meant for something, the feeling of entitlement does not even exist. rather, the feeling of the unknown in a very exciting and nervous sense, prevails.
if you read this post and feel confused because you are interested in healing, “spirituality”, holistic or otherwise “new age” work, I encourage you to know yourSELF on all levels possible and present your authentic truth as loudly and clearly as possible. there is nothing wrong with drawing inspiration — but when the truth is yours, and you own it, you won’t have to try hard to launch your purpose — it will launch for you. quite in fact, you will not be able to avoid it and you will not be able to stop thinking about it. no mater your age or “experience” or background. you do not have to isolate in an ashram for 10 years or OM yourself into “enlightenment” in a yoga class. quite the opposite, actually. I encourage you to own yourself like no one’s business, and become your own identity and NO ONE ELSE’S. if you have even an inkling that healing work is for you, then you must do it. and be willing to start somewhere, without all of the answers, without security or a net. just start. start by “knowing nothing” (whilst knowing your core as strongly as possible), as this is how we learn. do not be intimidated by what I speak about in terms of the wild wild west genre of “healers” or the fact that there is no regulation where there needs to be. because you may very well, if you own yourSELF, be one of the great change agents this “field” needs. and it’s more than a field, it is the truth. if you line up with that, to the best of your ability, you are going to be successful. I promise.