narcissistic relationships: what they look like, what they do and how to rewrite your storyline
narcissistic relationships occur across the board: with friends, acquaintances, parents, romantic partners, teachers and so on. in order for us to remain in a N relationship, we must first be predisposed on a primal level. nothing comes to us unless we are existing at the vibrational match, in some way, to that thing.
narcissists, or Ns, are a curious bunch. their wiring is different. they live in a constant “fight or flight” state, and view the world and those around them as a battle that they must preemptively fight and conquer before anything affects them. this is a deluded space to operate from. but for the N it is very real. these individuals are not always obvious characters, at first glance. they may range in obvious nature from the overt N who everyone just “knows” is out of control, but whom they either allow or “accept” into their lives — always for their own dysfunctional purposes — to the completely non-obvious or altruistic N, who is the do-gooder in their circle of acceptance…the non for profit hero, the back breaker of favors (but only so that they can turn it on us and use it against us as warfare later – with the N, nothing is “free” or done without expectation). there are varying degrees of N.
the most important part of a N relationship is that they do not view us as an actual person. though, it may seem they do. they will begin collecting “data” about us from day one, even storing it for years, to use later when it “counts”. this is different from a healthy person who snaps with anger or disappointment at a relationship gone wrong. with the N, they will collect “data” over time, but continuously LEAK it to those around us before there is ever even any actual fallout. that way, when we decide to walk away from the N, they have built their story lines to such a height that they have also cast their crew of enablers. enablers are weak people who are too afraid to live in truth. similar to the N, they can not confront their own reality. they will sell out their own “closest friends” or biological family members to continue taking part in a lie — which is the actual basis and foundation of the Ns function. enablers do not value themselves, so they can not actually value others. like the N, the enabler has to continue perpetuating a story/lie so that they can sleep at night. because if they were to confront reality, their entire world would fall apart. as 99% of it would be false. weak people can not confront reality. because confronting reality means not only risking, but also being alone.
Ns are interesting as they obviously range from parents to friends and everything in between. but it is never just by happenstance that we find ourselves in a fake relationship — with a N. a relationship that, no matter it’s origin, is built to SERVE in some way the N. the most important aspect of a relationship with a N is the PROJECTION screen that is used. Ns are particularly adept at spinning things around. because they believe their lies, they make excellent sales people and “leaders”. however it can be noted that they will never, ever, spend time with those they perceive as being “above” them. and, if that turns out to be the case at some point, they will do whatever it takes to knock the stool out from under the feet of the person they feel outshines them. Ns are competitive creatures. I would say that they “want to be the best”, but that’s not really true; they just want to be the best in their pond. Ns do not usually make actual leaders, unless they are actually able to brainwash manipulate and control large numbers of people. like Hitler. he was an anomaly. most Ns hang out just high enough for one to honor them (i.e. they have a great job, they are attractive, they are functional members of society — whatever that means) but never high enough to face those that would shine light on their faults and inadequacies. have you ever met a N who you thought could actually do “better” in life, and wondered why they kept it “small”? one answer: control and exposure. their fear of exposure is massive. so they tend to keep their circles small. they will get close, but not close enough to form an actual human bond. however they may appear to do so; they may engage in a variety of activities that make them seem highly functional. their victims or enablers may actually FEEL a connection to the N. but remember, the N has no real human radar of feeling. it is impossible. or they would not resort to the tactics that they use in order to maintain relationships. the N will divulge very personal details about us to those around them (aka grooming those around them) as they perceive an inevitable fall-out — as most of their relationships end. they will often choose people whom they perceive as being beneath them in some way, either socially, economically, or otherwise. they will gaslight their sphere of acquaintances against one another so that other members of their “tribe” can not ever get too close!! I know this from personal experience on MANY levels with different kinds of N relationships. both biological and friendship based.
after a degree of self-introspection and therapy, we may notice we are indeed in the midst of a N relationship. again, it can never end up this way without first being predisposed to this early on in life. but as we grow and expand, we break old contracts with relationship dynamics. and every time we break a contract, a domino effect of people hitting the pavement ensues — that is, if we are actually being honest with ourselves and doing the work. when we find ourselves in the midst of a N relationship, there is only one thing to do — and this can be so hard and take years and years of contemplation and follow through — LEAVE. no matter who it is. no amount of history, gas lighting or guilt can account for a reason to stay. leave. there will never be any amount of explaining, bartering, etc with a N. if they were not a N and we were “wrong” by pulling the plug, we would notice such by a complete turnaround and shift in behavior. this never happens with a N. once we leave a relationship with a N, they are “found out” and will often embark on a smear campaign — big or small, depending on who the person is that left them in the first place! there is a great video about this by a woman who specifies in N and their desperate smear campaigns: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUuK6hDakW4
when we finally see through the smoke and mirrors, we begin to reflect on the entire relationship with the N. even after we leave it. because it is such a mind trick. I suggest my blog about removing the belief before removing a person. no person can remain in our lives unless we first believe something about ourselves. when we get healthy (most of society is sick, by the way, so if you feel like the only healthy person in your life don’t be afraid of it) we begin to see how sick the past was with said N. this is not to be confused with being angry with someone, and leaving out of anger. usually when we get to the stage of leaving, we have already been angry and that anger no longer has a stronghold on us! it is absolutely possible and even preferable to have forgiven the N but absolutely want nothing to do with them. we reach this space when we are in a personal place of accepting reality. if we are still in contact with the N, it is not out of love or commitment — it is from a space of still not accepting reality and therefore wanting/hoping/expecting the N to change. they don’t. and that is ok! the N has their special place in this world. their blessing is that they can wake the rest of us up to our own illusions and delusions. it is not all ugly. but staying in any kind of a relationship with a N — OR their enablers — is a death card. we may go back in time and finally see how sick and twisted the mind and behavior of the N actually was. this can be heartbreaking when it is someone who raised us, or someone who we were friends with for years and years during formative periods in our lives. but, just because it is not easy to see this, does not mean it is not true. it is like waking up to an entirely different reality. it can be VERY hard to accept. but once accepted, the road to healing and bliss continues and elevates.
what does it feel like when we wake up and see the forest for the trees? and how does this even happen? well, part of us “knew” the truth for years. we knew that we were being mistreated, abused, gossiped about, etc etc etc. but we accepted it. because there was something SO OLD that made us think we were not better than that. but the mind is aware regardless. however the conscious mind and the subconscious are two different playgrounds. in my experience, the subconscious is where the hidden, DEEP deep beliefs are stored. the ones we do not have access to. so, it takes certain experiences to bring those to the fore. for one person, it might be as simple as a yoga class that ignites kundalini energy from the root chakra (where all of our beliefs are stored energetically). for another person, perhaps they have done yoga their entire lives and can not connect their deep core beliefs consciously. perhaps, for them, they simply meet a person who matches their intrinsic value and it “clicks” for the first time — setting off a sequence of events that eject parts of themselves they have collected which do not match their value. for another person, they may have been in therapy for decades and one day they wake up and it all makes sense as to what they need to do next — after all of those years and conversations, they have solved the subconscious mystery. so it is important not to judge or analyze what is the best way to wake up and see the forest for the trees. we never do so until it is time. when we do, it can feel like an absolutely deafening and grey space. because when we wake up from the dream, the ILLUSION imposed upon us by others, we are left only with our core — which we don’t recognize, because it has been hidden! our core is our truth, and that registers on a deep level. however we haven’t been this up close and personal with our core before. so it feels…uncomfortable. uncomfortable is an understatement. we may go back and forth in our minds, thinking we are crazy. but truth can not be hidden — so we will connect, still, to what is best and healthiest for us. we may feel completely overwhelmed with the thought of disconnecting from anything and anyone who is not “real” or who is living under an illusion (i.e. the enablers of the N and obviously the N themselves). this is deeper, by the way, than waking up to the truth and still accepting the past or the old ways into our life. this is a clear, clean and cut and dry response to anything that does not match our value. responding in this way feels like we have moved to another planet!
soon the smoke fades. we are again left with the truth about what our relationships have been, and what we want and deserve. we embark upon this “new” life with clean, healthy, supportive relationships. this is so hard to adequately express: clean, healthy, supportive. most of us have never known what that REALLY is. because most people do not have the capacity to be honest with themselves. when we find ourself in this space, we begin to rewrite our storyline. we do this by aligning only with truth, with our worth. when before it may have seemed like a tall order to be surrounded only with people who respected us, that formerly tall order is an absolute rule. we are no longer persuaded or silenced by the N voice which says “you are so judgmental” or “can’t you just let people be who they are” or “you can’t choose your family” — none of those statements is remotely true. and living an authentic life of peace, love and inspiration is just the beginning. as we cross this threshold and move into new and “scary” territory with those who only honor and respect us, our gifts begin to truly unravel. it is like a greeting from the Universe, gifting us back the energy and love that has been stolen and held by the N (and, in many cases, their enablers). what is truly remarkable is the creativity and passion and fire that begin to explode from within the core of a person who has woken up to their own reality. we are now in a position to experience our GIFTS. the fog and smoke that held us in suspension for so long (even from a remote distance without seeing the N in person) is lifting and we feel it. and because we are in self love now, nothing is more important than taking care of one’s own soul. THAT, is our actual and ONLY responsibility on this planet. taking care of our own soul and self. all else is an illusion. anyone who tells us otherwise is lying. the smoke and the fear that tether us so strongly to the Ns I speak of here is equal to the strength and explosion of our GIFTS to the world. however we must leap and THEN the net appears.