how it feels on both the tangible and intangible planes when someone close to you dies

how it feels on both the tangible and intangible planes when someone close to you dies:

clearly the following is just my experience. I’ve had it as well, as a surrogate via many patients of mine when their close loved ones (or unloved ones) physically die.

the only thing that dies is the physical body. consciousness is an entirely different energy, and it exists WHILST a person is alive, in various forms depending upon many different factors. therefore, when we are or have been very close to someone and then they physically die, we may experience both their tangible and intangible process in addition to our own. our experience of this, also depends upon many factors.

recently someone who I loved very much – and who loved me very much – physically died. I don’t care to publicize it in the way that many do, because it’s not really about that person at that point — rather it’s typically tragedy porn…it’s about the person sharing the tragedy. and typically, it aligns with that of the classic hum ho complainer – the person who is ALWAYS complaining about someTHING…for sympathy. disrespecting someone’s actual life by making it about me, is not something I am into. with that said, I have other ways or my own ways of honoring a life of another person. one of those ways is by sharing my sacred connection and experience to them and of them on a deep soul level.

relationships are complicated. people are at different stages of development, and at different thresholds of mental wellness. sometimes, those relationships insert their way into other and otherwise healthy relationships. we are only capable of hearing/seeing/believing what makes us feel safe, which is whatever makes sense to the “rational” (although often irrational!) mind. there were various forces at play, inserting themselves or rather I should say attemptedly inserting themselves between myself and my loved one. knowing this, I navigated that relationship with particular care. I’ll start from the beginning.

the first person I ever felt a valid, genuine connection to in my life, is the subject of this article. I could feel and relate to their intuition, their ability to “know” things without sounding crazy, their random decisions to cancel family trips because they “saw” a car accident happen, their “seeing” their child have an accident before there was internet and drop everything to rush to the scene, and so on. I appreciated their love of art, and their talent for it. I appreciated their ability to live their life — and advice to me to live my life — without allowing others to influence their/my decisions. they were my biggest cheerleader to the best of their ability.

when their partner died two decades ago, I moved in as a placeholder; from afar, and often close — I visited them thousands of miles away when I could. I called them nearly daily for over a decade. they never asked for anything, and they were not good at asking anyone for anything – in fact, I know they were more comfortable alone. it was something that they were used to their entire life. we developed a bond that I didn’t know I would have with someone in this lifetime. we shared secrets and vulnerabilities that I thought were forbidden in the context of our relationship. I also knew, all the while, that one day they would not be incarnate any longer. we spoke, many times, about what that would look like — the signs they would give, the indications they would offer, the words they would use, prior; and what would happen afterward. this brought me a lot of peace, to be able to talk about these things so openly, and I don’t know if I am the only one who they connected to in this way but I suspect yes.

toward the end of their physical incarnate journey, we had some difficult conversations. I have never had the heart to hurt certain people with the truth, and I believe that God and karma are so incredibly legitimate, that some things never need to be said – after all, the conscious mind incarnate is completely different from the consciousness of the soul after it leaves physical form. because this person and I were so connected on a soul level, I felt confident that the things I couldn’t bear to tell them while they were alive, would be known by them when they were no longer alive — except VERY much alive, in a different way.

this person was my best friend in every way. as is often painful to see in many dynamics, there were those who did not like that or support that. people will use all kinds of evil tactics to insert themselves between two people who care about one another, for different reasons; and to a degree in this lifetime and timeline, it worked toward the end of my loved one’s physical life. being acutely aware of those around them and the energy they were helpless to inhaling, I found ways to make peace with this. our private communications and connection never ceased, despite outside interference. in fact, in some ways, it only made us more connected.

the day that I left for Europe two years ago for work, my special person tried to “leave”. I was always told that they would do it this way — in a way that was convenient to others, as the last thing they wanted or liked was drama. they didn’t want a whole scene of individuals congregating around them, and I really appreciate that! however, two years ago, they were not successful in leaving. again, this is a subject we had spoken about for nearly a decade, privately! the day that I left for Europe, I felt a crushing pain in my chest and I did not know why. it lasted a full three weeks, and it was the worst physical, emotional and spiritual pain I have ever felt for an extended period of time — and I didn’t know where it was coming from as I was completely in the dark being overseas with a bad internet connection and focused on what I was there to be focused on. upon returning, later on, I learned what happened. when I spoke with my loved one, they told me that they had had a stroke. it was striking to me, everything that I felt around this event — tangibly and intangibly. and, knowing this person, I was not surprised that they tried to “take off” (my loved one had all kinds of ways of describing their journey to the other side, and they used humor — they never seemed afraid of dying) exactly at that time. but there was unfinished business for them, and they were not permitted to leave at that time.

over the next year and a half or so, I was attuned to their journey in many ways. the thing is, we don’t leave until we are allowed to. I knew this person’s personal desires, but God always rules our journey from start to finish. I knew that when I wasn’t communicating with them physically or via phone, I would “know” their path. the mourning of them incarnate actually came long before their physical departure. they appeared in many dreams, saying goodbye, upon which I would wake up sobbing with a deep mourning in my heart. it was my unconscious mind processing MANY things around my loved one — things I could control, and things I absolutely could not control. I processed things that THEY had a hard time processing in their life. the secrets, the pain, and many other things. since I knew their signals, I was prepared for when they would finally be allowed to leave. it was on my heart and mind, the entire last leg of their journey, to be left with no regrets. and I have none.

on our last phone call — and this is something I had never done before with them either via phone or in person — I sobbed uncontrollably and told them how much I loved them. there were so many things that I had wanted to say during that call, but I didn’t have the heart. it wasn’t up to me. it was up to their higher self, their conscious and unconscious mind, and their life path to understand and discover for themselves. I don’t believe in free will interference and so I won’t do it unless absolutely necessary. I won’t play the game of manipulation and “winning” when it comes to relationships. and when we pull back, and stay in integrity, karma takes care of everyone and everything. particularly during an afterlife of someone who was hosting many energies whilst incarnate…

during my last phone call with this person, which came prior to their very final last physical leg of their journey, I felt peace and I knew it was the last time that we would talk. I would then listen to my heart and gut as to their future communications. which have come in spades, since…

two weeks to the day before they died, I felt an incredible physical pain. it was similar to the pain I get before during and after the healing sessions I have done, only magnified. ten-fold, perhaps. I was not “sick”, nor did I have a flu. my loved one, by the way, did not have the flu. I spent two weeks in incredible physical pain, with an anxiety in my heart so separate from me, that my only conclusion was someone close to me or even one degree of separation was crossing over. this is a feeling that I have had many times, particularly when people die, except this time it was prolonged in a way that was too personal. a series of events occurred in my personal life as well, to mimic the symbolism of death in general. the night before my loved one died, I felt an INCREDIBLE peace wash over me. I was journaling about it, asking God, “what is this”? it was profound. the night before they died, I woke startled in the middle of the night, smelling smoke — I thought the house was on fire. it wasn’t. I know what this means – it was the first “tangible” intangible sign they were sending to me. I went back to sleep, and about an hour later woke again with a sudden jolt after a dream of an officer at my door — a metaphor for news being delivered from personnel. the morning before they died, I felt the same thing as the night before I went to bed and awoke to those “dreams”. it was an exaggerated peace, an exhilaration of sorts, and the physical pain and anxiety completely quit. I always know the difference between what is mine and what is not mine in the intangible planes, so the clarity here was perfect. I was experiencing their imminent bliss, their impending relief. the morning before my loved one died, as this peace kicked in throughout my entire being, I saw TWO red cardinals in a row — without sharing a ton about my loved one personally, this was more than just a “sign”. it was our way of communicating. they were also an avid birdwatcher for many years, with books, binoculars, the whole jam. I “knew” that this was the day, the day that they were finally allowed to choose a certain freedom that had been important to them for some time.

my loved one was in physical pain for over a decade. we spoke, many times, about their desire to leave and “how”. I knew that God doesn’t usually allow us to take our own way out, so I felt for the physical nature of their suffering. I also knew that there was more than that, and that we each have our own life review to process…even if it is slow and painful. when we have an actual ego death WHILST in physical form, it feels like this too. death is death is death – no matter physical or spiritual. when they died that day, being as connected to them as I was in mind body and spirit, I felt an INCREDIBLE expansion and I knew that they were rejoicing like those birds that kept showing up. I went to central park, to a quiet spot on the pond, and the BIGGEST red cardinal sat just several feet from me. for an hour. it was a majestic red (male bird), it was pronounced, and it was one of those things that you have to see to believe. I took peace in this, and I felt grateful for my loved one caring enough to send me signs.

the irony is, with those who we care about, and particularly when it is complicated because well, people in the world are complicated, true connections are never broken. truth is never eternally broken, albeit if it is temporarily. the irony also is, I always knew that during the last part of my loved one’s journey, we would be able to be close again and perhaps closer than ever, after they made their transition to a realm that they spoke about with me so often.

I think that the biggest thing people struggle with, with regard to death of loved ones (or unloved ones!) is regret. I am grateful for my connection with my loved one, because I have no regrets. I knew for a couple of decades that this time would come, and I did everything I wanted to in order to maximize and complete our positive karma together, despite outside forces and challenges. I am grateful for the time I devoted, for our hours and hours of phone calls nightly over many years, our special visits together, and our private conversations. NOTHING and NO ONE can break a special bond, and this was the first person in my life whom I ever felt and had a truly special bond to. the bond is infinite, and I look forward to exploring the new shape it has taken for I can feel their freedom and relief. my animals certainly feel it, too!

we all experience physical death of loved ones differently. if I didn’t have certain experiences such as the ones I share above, I am not sure what I would think of an article like this one. but the fact is, we each have our own special experiences. they don’t need to look or sound like mine. but if you are looking for that connection, maybe my share here will help. the most important thing that I can share is that genuine bonds are never broken. and when someone transitions out of the physical, there is actually more freedom than ever…as the human ego is no longer holding captive lies, secrets, force, or surrounding energies that seek to manipulate and tarnish what is true. when all of that is released, ALL OF THAT IS RELEASED. and to that end, we may each experience a unique freedom, as well as newfound appreciation for what was, what never was, and for what we miss most. for what we miss most has an opportunity to take a new shape now.

I love you, my beautiful cardinal.

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everything that you are doing and going through now is preparing you for where you want to be

©Healing Elaine®, photo by Anita Saini

“you’re scattered”; “you need to choose one vocation”; “pick a focus”…I used to hear these things ALL OF THE TIME. in my 20s. except, I knew deep within me something that THEY did not know: I was building my multi-faceted future and the road to MY destiny, by…being multi-faceted and living MY life, MY way. this is how it should be. we should each find out, who WE are, not who THEY tell us to be.

when I was 18 months, I climbed up a ladder on the side of my house and launched myself over the top onto the roof. I also used to hurl myself over my crib bars to escape it. so, perhaps it’s in my soul’s blood to venture out like a Maverick. but, you don’t have to be a so-called Maverick or pioneer-type to understand that EVERYTHING you are doing and going through now is preparing you for where you want (when I say want, I speak to the AUTHENTIC you on a deep and honest psychological and spiritual level) to be.

I used to hit 2-4 year periods of “ceiling”. meaning, I would focus on something for a period of time, get bored, and move on to the next thing. this never meant that I was abandoning those things/skills/experiences that I got “bored” with and moved on from — in fact, it was quite the opposite – I was filing my experiences and interests into a folder that would later be part of the book of my life. however, each time I was “done” with something (it might have been a job, or a relationship, or an interest), I would hear the riot act from many people around me. people who didn’t understand. people who were jealous of my tenacity. people who both didn’t understand AND were jealous. and so, in order to KEEP MOVING and hearing myself, I had to do one thing and one thing only: abandon ego. I had to be willing to be criticized, and stand in the face of it and feel the shame or guilt or whatever emotions came up each time I was told by people/society/whomever that I was “wrong”, for being who I was/am.

when we abandon ego, we grow. ego holds us back. it wants to and, in fact, needs to so that we may “survive”, according to the timelessness of the ego which doesn’t know whether we are 9 years old or 40 years old because the ego doesn’t work in a linear fashion. so each time I hit the skids, seemingly, and so to speak, in my life, I had to abandon ego. and it felt like a death each time. and each time I did it, I held true to knowing that all of my mini-deaths were part of a much larger focus –and that Rome wasn’t built in a day. I knew that the flash-in-a-pan successes of “famous” or “successful” people were usually just that: flashes. I never desired something temporary, because I am not an addict in terms of short-term highs. I prefer the long, solid, unflappable highs — which really aren’t highs at all. and in this way, in this part of my life, I am the opposite of an addict. the way I see it, life, the meaning of it, we are all destined to move as FAR AWAY from addict behavior (in any and all categories of our life!) as possible, and that is the meaning of life.

the fact is, we are all multi-faceted. when we are constricted, we suffer (notably, physically). when we don’t listen to our own SELF, we suffer. we do this because we care what other people think. I wrote a whole article about that here. you should stop caring, as much as possible, about what other people have to say about YOUR life. and when you do, EVERYTHING that you have been doing — the “mistakes”, the “disappointments” that you have “suffered” because you “did it wrong” — will reveal themselves to you to be the very THREAD of your soul, being woven to show you your bigger picture. for example…

my first job (I won’t count babysitting from the time I was 10 on – ) at age 15 was working at an ice cream parlor. my second, of many hospitality jobs to come, was working as a hostess and waitress. I also worked at a snack bar flipping burgers. I did every kind of hospitality job there was, for many years, and as well in between “real” jobs. what is a real job anyway? going to a place to promote someone else’s dream and make them successful? sure. ALL “jobs” are really equal — and most people don’t know why they are doing them or who they are doing them for — unless they are doing the job for THEMSELVES. when you can do a job (ANY job) for yourself, you are living in integrity and actually able to GIVE something back to society. because you care about the xyz thing or job. but back to my first job. one might say, “what does hospitality have to do with anything else you have done? wasn’t that a waste of time?” – to which I would say no. I would also say that working in corporate finance was not a waste of time. nor was selling overnight shipping to C-Suites (only). why were these things not a waste of time?: they factor into EVERYTHING that I do today. while working in hospitality, I had to get to know all different kinds of people and statuses and understand how they responded to their own needs. while working in a corporate environment in finance, I had to learn how part of the WORLD worked – I had big accounts poached from me by my actual BOSSES, and I saw the seedy, competitive, shrewd side of business and masculine energy at play…and I noted how many of these masculine energies were jealous of me because I had that similar masculine energy but I was wearing a skirt, or whatever. I had to learn while selling overnight shipping, exactly how to gage the intonation of a voice over the phone and what that meant when I had only 15 seconds to pitch a top executive (C-Suites only! company rule!) and get them to meet with me face-to-face. I had to understand why the ONLY person to EVER approach for anything in life, is the end decision maker. because no one else CARES. no one. all of these things that I learned, developed my understanding of people in the real world, not the “psychic” world. and I needed, very much, the tangible and intangible understandings that resided in my heart and mind to blend so that I could successfully understand and help other people. helping people has forever been my goal – desire – purpose.

the thing is, though, I doubted myself at times. I worried that maybe I WAS what I heard other people say to me, about me; maybe I was scattered, maybe I was lost, and maybe I was (gasp)…non-committal. but, I knew better deep inside and I would keep going anyhow. yet the doubt hurt and it slowed me down longer than I wish I had been slowed down. this article is in large part about that — the doubt that comes in, when you are just being who you are. and the thing is, it is healthy to doubt because we can re-assess where we are and how to do it better. but, it’s not necessary to linger for longer than that healthy purpose. and people who live in fear, who are afraid to pursue their dreams, will make you doubt yourself. you can’t listen. and, it can be hard to know what is doubt and what is reality

the way to know the difference between doubt and reality is one way and I said it earlier: check your ego. who are you doing things for, and why? who are you appeasing? who are you trying to fit in for? if you can answer those questions, AND still go your own way, you can temporarily kill your ego and keep it in check. doubt is healthy and it washes over us as a feeling. reality — that we are actually doing something wrong — is when we are doing something strictly for outside praise, OR when we really DON’T feel like committing to anything and so we change jobs or interests at the drop of a hat in order to avoid ourselves. again, the key ingredient to know the difference is your ego death. if you are willing to go through the range of feelings that accompany an ego death and face them head on, it is likely that you are just in doubt. if you are not willing to go through the above, then there may be a reality to your doubt that has to do with your unconscious mind and patterns and not a healthy ego death. THAT notion is an entirely different article, BUT, if you are self-aware you can switch gears and then it is all the same anyhow…you are working toward everything that you were designed to be, once you surrender.

when I jumped away from corporate, I really had a death. I felt like a loser. I felt like I pissed away a 5-star education and my degrees. this is in part because I was “listening” to society by observing those around me. the people who just did their jobs, met their spouses at a happy hour, and moved to NJ to have kids. now, if I’m being really honest with myself, I WISH I could have that life. it would be so much more level (stable?) than the one my soul chose. there have been many, many times I have asked God to please let me just live a normal life. but I know what I’m made of – and I can’t change how I am made. and so I watched many of my friends go the conventional path while I wondered if there was something wrong with me, and if I was royally messing up my life. and, simultaneously to all of that concern I had, ironically and paradoxically, I ALSO DID NOT CARE. because I could hear my soul. not caring does not take away doubt and worry, though. and, as I say over and over again, there is never EVER any “better” path for any one person. if your destiny is to have an amazing family and work at the DMW your entire life then THAT IS A LIFE AND A DESTINY and a VALUABLE ONE – because the only part of living that ever matters is our ALIGNMENT (when thoughts = feelings = words = actions!). but aligned people know that. I know folks who work very “menial” jobs and they are SO HAPPY. because they are in alignment, and they get it that there is no such thing as “more important purpose” as it relates to one person or the next and their “outer world success”. all things are relative, and the only important thing is whether we are aligned or not. truly.

so in the above example, jumping from corporate, I felt like I was in no-man’s land probably for about a month. looking back, that is a REALLY brief time as compared to other jumps and subsequent dark periods I had, when honoring my path. and, like the other times during which I “jumped”, I wondered and worried if anything I had done in the past would relate to my future or if it was all just a waste. well: nothing was a waste.

in between film and tv jobs I worked MANY other jobs. and during that period of my life, the tv and film days, I also mistakenly thought “ok, this is it, this is my identity, I must focus ONLY on this now”…which was so not true. because we are never our job or our outer-world identity. and like all of the other times when I was either “forced” to jump, or my reality was ripped away from me, so then was my focused period of time on tv and film. and this is because I “HAD” to publicly set up Healing Elaine® and see that to fruition and “completion”. again, I felt scared, that one thing had entirely nothing to do with the next, and my now-4 careers absolutely would not blend. it is also important to note, that again, that feeling was just my ego. or I never would have kept facing it then jumping. and so I moved through that awful feeling of giving birth to myself (again) and dealt with the same push-back I always had from others who told me “I thought you were an actress, though?”. sure, I was an actress. I was also a hamburger-flipper. and a waitress. and an account executive. and…a person. I just chose to surrender to all that I was inside, because THAT was my calling. again, I didn’t consciously want to be made “this” way. but we are how and who we are, and it is all for a REASON…and it doesn’t matter what the path “looks” like. I then realized that YES OF COURSE, my career in corporate AND my career in tv and film in front of and behind the camera OBVIOUSLY line up with everything I did with Healing Elaine®! because without HE™, I would have no message. and without a message, all of my work with corporate and tv and film would mean…nothing to me as far as my bigger purpose was concerned.

I’ve mentioned that The Alchemist is my favorite book. it’s a lot of people’s favorite book, probably. and it is a genius book that I read in 2005 and again this year (and wrote a little instagram post about) — at which point it took on an entirely new meaning. and the point of the book is similar to the long-winded point I am making here: everything that you desire, from the perspective of integrity and ego death and learning, is preparing you for what you will become/already are. who you are is timeless, and it doesn’t matter WHAT that looks like on the surface. we never know God’s exact strategy in a timeline form, and it is not up to us to decipher. exerting that kind of control and demand onto the Universe is not the best way to go, and that is why so many people suffer. I’ve suffered in this way, during my transitions between one “career” and the next. and when I look back on EVERYTHING that I have done, it is ALL CONNECTED. had I listened to what anyone else had to say about my path, I wouldn’t be here. I would be stuck. and so it was worth all of the horrible feelings I had to contend with during my “leaps”. during the times that close friends, best friends, even, shamed me for my choices because they didn’t understand. the times that no one would support me or lend a hand because they said I was “irresponsible”. all of the horrible parts of my transitions were worth it. and so are yours…

you may be thinking “Elaine, I’ve been at the same job for 20 years, I can’t relate to anything you are saying”…well, sure you can. think about the last 20 years. time is IRRELEVANT here. what IS relevant, is where it has lead you. it has lead you somewhere. perhaps that somewhere is a conclusion. perhaps it is the understanding that you are very content and therefore exactly where your soul wants you to be. and if you are not happy, it has lead you to understanding that, so that you may LEAP and ONLY THEN understand the last 20 years of your life! it is really all simple, and perfect. and the point is, you can’t get it wrong!

make an outline of your life. all of the choices, jobs, and relationships. write them down. connect the earlier parts to the present tense parts, and then imagine that all of that is leading to something that you can not yet see, because you didn’t yet leap in some way (unconsciously). leaping does not have to mean leaving a job or making a tangible change. leaping can simply be a state of mind, a willingness to admit ego defeat, or something else within the confines of your mind. that leap, which is a surrender and realization, maps out your next steps. how magnificent is that? and if you are honest with yourself, you will understand it all. if you are not honest with yourself, you will remain confused. honesty or lack thereof produces karma. there is no way around that. and in either case, we are exactly where we are destined to be. let go of guilt.

I think of the deep, isolating feelings of personal death around my “identity” and how long some of those periods lasted. I wrote an article about these periods here — it’s long and worth a read. if you are confused about what “it” is, that is your long-winded transition, I also wrote about destiny and stagnation here. I imagine that all of us have (these) periods, during which we self-question. and what I want to share and convey is the fact that you can’t get “it” wrong. stop comparing your life to anyone else’s. NONE OF IT MATTERS. you probably would NEVER trade the relative facts anyhow, to be in “someone else’s shoes”! understanding that there is no external choice you can make that will alter your reality is important – it always has to be contended with on the inner level, and thoroughly, first, to count. if you are in your 20s and you wonder “what you are doing”, know that if you honor yourself, it remains to be seen. if you are in your 60s and you wonder “what have I done”, know that if you honor yourself now, it remains to be revealed and you will have peace. you can’t make a wrong decision in life, no matter what your life has looked life. yesterday already happened, and tomorrow doesn’t exist. really think about that concept.

find a way to work with both your inner and outer realities, and find common ground between the two. everything that you are doing (outer) and going through (inner) now is preparing you for where you want to be, whether you are 20 or 80.

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