abusive families and the land of opposites: give up the dream of being seen for who you truly are
as I have done in a prior post, I reference Elizabeth Gilbert’s piece on tribal shame. it is worth a read through: www.facebook.com/GilbertLiz/posts/806653502750100:0
when we give up the dream of being seen for who we truly are, we are allowing others to see who THEY truly are. we are in a state of surrender, of acceptance, of truth. we are no longer fighting. we are moving with power versus force.
in my personal practice (Healing Elaine®), there has been nothing more painful for me to witness than a BEAUTIFUL (inside and out), exceptionally talented, unique, HUGE-hearted, sensitive and courageous person who has been completely destroyed and brainwashed by their biological family. how is it, HOW IS IT, that it is ALWAYS the most incredible people that I meet who are byproducts of such gaslighting, hazing and systematic tribal abuse? actually, to answer that question, you might read my post on “we are not attacked because we are flawed, we are attacked because we are brilliant”. and even though I wrote that post and I understand the “how” and the “why”, EVERY TIME I meet ANOTHER incredible soul who has been completely shut down and traumatized by “loved ones” I can just barely stand it.
I am not joking when I say that I have met THE most incredible people who have been the targets and victims of tribal or “family” abuse. it almost seems like a joke to me, because the truth could not be any clearer as to the brilliance and loving open heart contained within these patients of mine. perhaps this post will be more of a 3d rant or expression, as lately I am just blown away by the number of truly magnificent humans who have been completely lied to and gaslit as to WHO and WHAT they are! to me, to my psyche and my heart, it feels the ultimate sin for a human to be treated like this. an absolute sin from beyond. perhaps it is.
the disease of the above typically runs throughout an entire tribe or “family”. it infects such like a cancer. the reason it works, is because the person that is focused upon with hate, gossip, lies and abuse is 100% of the time always a beacon of light — truth. when other humans are NOT capable or able to be honest with themselves, or they insist out of their own cowardice and weakness upon hiding family traumas and secrets, they will ALWAYS snuff out the person who lives in their truth for the sake of “saving” the other tribe members. it serves them to focus negatively upon one person (if it were more than one person, this would not work, you see!) so that along with that person they can attempt to bury their own insecurities, secrets, repression and darkness. some “family” members get trained or brainwashed themselves, into contributing toward the scapegoated individual. sometimes long down the road into their life, after and only after a series of their own awakenings, they “wake up” and recognize the scapegoated individual for who and what they really are. but: if you are the target of tribal shame, I will give you one piece of advice: DO NOT WAIT for another person to wake up.
do not wait for anyone to see your value. you will wait a lifetime, and spend a lifetime trying to convince not only your former tribe, but everyone in your immediate life, as to your truth or value. your subconscious mind will take over and continue to RECREATE and repeat the lies and deception and abuse that you encountered throughout your life – to the point where you are actually afraid to see, feel and experience your TRUTH i.e. value.
it is so important to understand the psychological dynamics of tribal shame, which I think Elizabeth Gilbert sums up accurately in her post at the top of my blog here. I also wrote a post about this a while back, referencing Gilbert, and this post of mine here might echo some of that initial share. once the psychological and technical dynamics of tribal shame are understood, we can break the emotional attachment to the situation with greater ease. stop looking at your “family” as people, and start looking at them in terms of their actual patterns. if you know that a tv only turns on and off a certain way, do you keep trying different buttons that do not work? seeing deeper into the cycle and sickness that an entire tribe can develop will serve you much better when you step back and see the PATTERN. and it is physics, at that point, not psychology.
humans, by our very nature, are rather weak. our ego is the biggest enemy in the face of living honestly and healthily. if we understand that we are programmed with fear, and with fear-based beliefs based on the experiences of others from day one, we can start to understand how/why a person will automatically behave the way that they do.
when we are surrounded with LIKE, we do not see the need for change. when we are surrounded with CONTRAST, we are forced to bend and shift. when we can no longer bend and shift to match the bullshit of our environment be it family, friends, society and otherwise, we are pushed to the brink of an awakening. some of us move through that awakening, and some of us resist it. what resistance looks like is a person who STAYS in their environment either physically or emotionally, and continues trying to paint themselves in the light that the majority sees them in. a person may continue to do this and continue to suffer, but be too weak or too blinded to see that what they are doing is in such contrast to where they initially began at birth. they are conforming to the intense pressure and need for others to label them so that their early ego can validate their viewpoint. the problem is, when the viewpoint is SO off kilter in contrast to where we exist on a soul level, the ego will continuously vomit itself up and up again and again to try to die – and the more we repeat the pattern that does not belong to us, is not organic to us but is rather dynamic in that it was ASSIGNED TO US – until we die physically or spiritually. physically we might die by illness (after all, if our ego agrees to someone else’s opinion, our body must match such), by another attack or by suicide. if we make it to old age with these falsely held beliefs, we will be like robots – totally detached from our bodies and spirits. I have seen a lot of these people out in the world. if we reach the point of death while still physically alive, also known as an ego death, we can begin to make rational and simple (not easy, but simple) decisions about how we want to live in the future.
I can not even adequately express the value that I see in people who have been victims of not just abuse, but of the entirety of tribal shame. again, I think of the words “this must be a joke”. the power of the rotten ego to label, shame and discard a person repeatedly is intense. it takes a very sick group of people to target a very healthy person. yet, I see this over and over and over again in my practice! doing case studies on these individuals is super important, and developing a PTSD model for them specific to tribal shame is an endeavor of mine.
if you are the target of tribal shame, I would like to reiterate one thing: in order for them to feel ok, to get on with their day, to even exist in such contrast to who you ARE, then you MUST have something wrong with you. does that make sense? it would not be logical, under any circumstances, for someone to paint you in light when they live in darkness themselves. it is not how it works. we can NOT perceive that which we are not a match to in vibration; therefore we will continue, time and time again, to paint someone in our own actual shade of light – which may not be accurate. two energies of different vibrations MUST be the same in order to share space — physical space, energetic space, emotional space, or any space of communication. if you are the one standout variable, there is just no way that the majority will allow you to be “ok”. because to them, if you are “ok”, then they must be sick/wrong/etc. it can be no other way.
the notion of healing and forgiveness, by the way, is completely separate from this particular blog post. I absolutely believe in the art of personal healing and forgiveness and it has nothing to do with another person’s behavior. healing and forgiving is actually the state of ACCEPTANCE of another person – exactly the way that they are. so if there are people in your life who are cruel and unusual toward you, ACCEPT THEM IN THAT WAY. once you do this, you will not feel the need to change or prove yourself to them or anyone else ever again. most people never reach this stage, because the conditioning of the ego as a victim, a wrong-doer, a scapegoat, a blacksheep etc is just…..too….strong. it has rehearsed itself over and over upon the premise that there is something wrong with it, and therefore it seeks to validate that. but it doesn’t have to be that way if we can actually accept those around us! even in their sickness and dysfunctional and nasty ways. HOWEVER: forgiveness and acceptance by no means mandates that you need to spend time with or communicate with people who have treated and/or continue to treat you like shit. in fact, personally, when I reach a full blown stage of acceptance of another person who is not kind toward me, I can finally accept them and let go of them. the need for them in my life to be different and therefore the need for me in my life to be different has totally left. this is the sweet spot of self-liberation. also, it is in that space and ONLY in that space that if another person who has lived a certain way for so long DOES have the capacity to see your truth or value, that they then even have the opportunity to do so. don’t hold your breath for it to happen, but also know that this might be the only space for such growth in another person as they relate to you to occur.
the land of opposites: this is the land that we live in before we “give up the story”, before we let go of tribal shame. for every negative action or word that we have witnessed at the hand or mouth of another person, we can now be CERTAIN that we are actually the opposite to that former “truth”. because – physics. again, in order for a person to continue living in their sea of dysfunction, we MUST match that reality for them to continue living as they do. we must be sick, “not ok”, unhinged, weird, a failure, sickly, troublesome, etc. never ever can a person or group of persons, in the position of shaming, admit that it might be something wrong with THEM. it is sickness at it’s finest. however, when we break that pattern of engagement with them, we create the opportunity to see ourselves as we ARE.
a funny thing happens to each of my patients who has been a victim of tribal shame; as they heal and move forward — in WHICHEVER way is best for them (for some of them it is a total disconnect from their tribe, for others of them it is a little space and time, and for others it might be something different) — each of them wakes up to their TRUTH. truth can NEVER be destroyed. it is ALWAYS under the surface, waiting to be revealed. the land of opposites is a real revelation at this point, as we begin to see that every horrendous word or behavior applied toward us is the opposite to our truth. for example; I have treated people who were incredible artists. what did the land of opposites and their tribe teach them? that they were terrible artists. terrible dancers. terrible singers. anything that was the opposite to their intrinsic talents and gifts was a ploy used by their tribe to keep them down. and again, why were they kept down? because they were different (again reference my blog on why we are attacked). humans do not like what they can not understand. period. there is such a lack of mental, emotional and spiritual tolerance for it, and humans are conditioned to separate versus unify. what looks familiar in appearance or behavior is safe; what looks unfamiliar in appearance or behavior is threatening. because as a species we are so asleep at the wheel and can not move past 3d, we judge and separate and isolate due to innate and carnal fear. fortunately, during now current times a la 2016, we have something called consciousness that is spreading like wildfire across our planet…and truths will not stay hidden the way that they used to. this is also due to evolution and our planet moving from 3d to 4d to 5d and so on – old truths and ways of being just will not contain themselves in the current and future realities that we are experiencing.
the best that any of my patients who has been through tribal shaming can do is give up the pipe dream of ever being seen for who they are. this requires a tremendous amount of courage, ego death and so on. but it is practical and efficient. it is only in the space of egoic detachment that we can ever even see the truth rise. it will not matter what you do, how much you achieve, what you look like, who you marry, how rich or successful you are, how many people you help, and so on — when others are locked in their own ego state with how things HAVE to be in order for them to continue living the way that they always have, it will not matter what you do. it might amaze you, and the people around you, that this is even a reality for you with others. I am absolutely shellshocked — and I tell you, shellshocked — each time I meet a new incredible soul who has been the recipient of tribal shame. it is just so unbelievable as to the intrinsic value and quality that the people I see hold, and how another human would have to absolutely go out of their way to see something else in them. it boggles my mind every time, though I know the deeper physics and psychological reasons for such.
I will say it one more time. if you come from an abusive family, particularly a family who exists in it’s entirety of seeing you as someone who is inherently so much less than who you are, I urge you to consider the land of opposites. it might be hard for your ego to take, because you might be addicted to finding something wrong with you…and it might actually hurt the MOST to find out that there was never anything wrong in the first place. this can be the harshest reality check of all time. because then we have to mourn an identity that we bought into about ourselves that was never real. but STOP making it real, please. I send so much love to anyone in this position, and I let you know that there are many, many others who have been through the same. I hope you will choose to surrender what you have been trained on, and surrender the bars of others’ deficiencies that you have been locked behind for so long.