if you try to take more than you give, you will always lose.

an oldie but a goodie.

if you try to take more than you give, you will always lose.

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

lack mentality is a dis-eased state of being. and so many people live in it. many of us think that if we can inch our way to that better deal, that 5% discount, that bigger sandwich or that free drink, that we are winning. I see this mindset amongst one group of people in particular: those who feel they have nothing to give from their heart. it’s origin stems, actually, from a less greedy place than we would realize if we were to look into the soul of the person who consistently tries to “take”.

I’ve seen it in my friendships, and I’ve seen it in my practice (RARELY, I might add, considering the folks I attract are usually empathic givers themselves, looking to heal from a world that they feel/experience is attempting to suck them dry in many ways – but when I have seen it in my practice, the person truly must re-do their soul or otherwise forever try to feed their bottomless pit, which will NEVER work). I once had a friend who literally got her breath from getting discounts, free drinks, refunds at places of hospitality and so forth. it didn’t click for me, in the early days of our friendship, as to the spore of her behavior. after all, she was beautiful by society’s standards, successful by society’s standards, intelligent and so forth. she made plenty of money. at the time, I saw it as being well-adjusted with very positive boundaries (since mine were not as strong). later on, I began to see that she was really just a shell of a person, getting off on seeing others have less so that she could (in her mind) have “more”. the problem was, she was creating for herself (and in the universe) a real issue of energetic and karmic imbalance. I never saw her “give back”. her idea of giving back was, and probably still is, giving somebody something that she got for free (such as work-expensing a dinner, etc). beyond the financial quotient, though, was also the idea of being giving of time. if it didn’t work for her, or she was not gaining something, she would never reciprocate. what I saw happen to her over time was a complete depletion in her auric field. she felt as though she was “winning”, and it probably fed her competitive ego to a strong degree. but the place that it came from was very unhealthy; she felt lack, and instead of identifying what that place of lack was, she attempted and did fill it with other people’s goodwill and energy – which then went into a black hole at the end of the day anyway. because she didn’t know about the law of reciprocity, she was under the human illusion that the more you take the more you have and get to keep (no matter the cost or expense to others). she also took from people emotionally – she had no concern or honor regarding intimate relationships, either for her partner or the partners of others. this low dimensional vampiric behavior appeared, on the surface, to be filling her up – but I saw it slowly killing and aging her.

what happens when we are out of balance like this, is that we actually deplete our own sacral and life force energy because we have nothing to figure 8 balance our actions with. then, we need more and more and more…look at some of our planet’s billionaires (not the philanthropic ones). or politicians. it doesn’t have to be about tangible monetary energy, or anything tangible – taking exists equally in the ethereal realms. look at the faces and auric fields of these taker folks. tell me if they appear to you to be grey, tattered, run down, etc. then, look at the faces and auric fields of some of the greatest givers you know (and the ones you don’t know, but know of, i.e. Richard Branson? there are many billionaires who are wealthy simply because to GIVE is to breathe) – and tell me if they appear to you to be youthful behind their wrinkles, happy, at peace, etc.

many folks are great at convincing themselves that they are either giving, or giving back. I’ve been fooled by these folks, even after learning so much about human behavior and energy. but the truth can never stay hidden for long. but let’s go back to the part that they are able to convince themselves or others that they are big givers and really “care” about people. what are the on paper facts whilst they are doing all of this giving? normally the on paper facts that give someone like this away are: INCONSISTENCIES. if they are being “financially generous” (which is rare for this breed, by the way, because this type of giving truly feels like a threat of death for them), then they are making up for it heavily in other ways – such as draining you for time, or confusing you in some way that mandates you “leak” energy in their direction. any time we are LEAKING energy, we can be sure that the other party is close by, ethereally or otherwise, lapping it up like a dog on a hot day. because a taker is completely in capable of genuinely giving, you will find loopholes in their facades. they might monopolize you for your time, they might find one hundred reasons to contact you with random questions or meaningless correspondence, or they might latch on to your friends/acquaintances. if they don’t engage in obvious behaviors, they are engaging in passive aggressive behaviors — because rest assured that a taker is physically, mentally and emotionally incapable of actually giving. so beware…

how, besides some of the above information, do we actually spot a taker? through my work, I find that takers have a few things in common. 1) they are very competitive. they HAVE to be the best, have the best, or live the most luxurious/unique life to make up for the fact that someone else might actually “one up” them (in their mind) in one department or another. now this is similar to narcissism, it has tiny threads of it, but it is different in its entirety. 2) they are cheap tippers. they skim in areas where it would take so little to give back to a person in a way that would make a bigger difference for the person being given back to than it would for them to extend the giving. giving 20% on a check is the ultimate ceiling for them. 3) they have major authority issues. since they were so restricted, in some way, as children, they spend the rest of their adulthood “rebelling” by controlling their circumstances with others by perceivably “getting more than their share”. this naturally bleeds into feeling in control, in power. 4) they are charming (again a lot like a narcissist, but definitely not the same thing). this assists them in their taker behavior. 5) when push comes to shove, they have zero loyalty. not to themselves and certainly not to others. their entire early life was often spent feeling like it was feast or famine, and this type of adrenal survival continues into adulthood. I have seen takers literally throw their best friends under the bus for personal gain, either in reputation or in opportunities for financial gain (even a few dollars). 6) they are tit for tat, but not in an equal fashion. they keep track of everything they ever did for you. 7) they can easily rationalize, to a terrifying degree at times, their poor behavior. they are experts at explaining why they have screwed someone over, almost like a sociopath would explain why they killed someone because that person deserved to die. their skill at which they can explain away unfair and unjust behavior is just bewildering. 8) they lie way more than the average person. they “have” to, in order to take/get what they want; because being honest would require them to be in balance. and actual balance, to them, feels unfair/unbalanced/not enough to them. the former friend I describe in this blog lied all of the time – at her job, with her significant others and probably with me.. without even batting an eye. 8a) an extension of 8), they have hidden agenda. if you look behind their actions and words, you will find an ulterior motive nearly 100% of the time. 9) they attract givers, but they are attracted TO takers – they will often “fall in love” with people even more selfish than they are at various points in their lives. this is the unfortunate but necessary mirror they are being given by the Universe to point something out – something they often can not face. when they do meet and “fall in love” with a giver, they are bored and take the giver for granted until/unless they do some deep-seated work to heal the part of themselves that is rooted in lack and fear. or, they will stay with a giver so long as they can lie/cheat/steal and manipulate. they are often obsessed with people who have treated them like shit, unlike a giver who (UNLESS they are dealing with old paradigms of abuse of a parent who mirrors their partners behavior) is more likely to recognize the forest for the trees, see that this is not a true reflection of their core, and move on.

I had a very selfish friend, a taker if you will, who only fell in love with narcissistic takers. the people this person “fell in love” with were even more absurd and outlandish than they were! it was mind-boggling to me, at the time, when I could not fully recognize their root cause and actuality as a taker (for more info on this, refer to my blog centered around “we can’t get rid of a person until we get rid of the belief”) as to why a “nice” person like my friend would attract such horrible and selfish behavior. what I later of course realized, as the truth of my former friend was fully revealed, was that this person’s core was only being amplified. this person refused therapy and really needed it to get to the dark origin of their own self-perceived lacking, taking core.

it is important to realize that takers live in fear. they come from fear. fear is lack. love is abundance. the two notions are polar opposites.

let’s go back to the issue with taking, ignoring the moral perspective for the sake of this blog post focus. when we are giving fully, we are reflecting back at the Universe our own perspective of self-love. we are reflecting to the world the place from which we come. when we are taking fully (please note that *RECEIVING is completely different from *TAKING), without balance, we are doing the same – we are magnifying and highlighting the fact that we are “without”. even though this may generate short-term “security” in the emotional or material realms, or the illusion of such, we are screwing ourselves because of the message we are sending. we might suffer spiritually, emotionally, and physically due to the lack of balance. the same might be said for giving, as well, if we do not balance ourselves properly. both behaviors in extremes are not good. however it is much easier to recover from over-giving versus over-taking, because of the clear message it sends off vibrationally and is projected back at us.

I have a personal habit of giving too much. I know it, I do it anyway, and I work harder each day at monitoring my own balance. yes, many times I give without receiving, but at this point in my life’s journey that is a risk I am wiling to take. because I am so in tune with my own biorhythms, even if I “over-give” and begin to deplete myself, something will always happen to alert me as to how to balance such. it is very different than giving from a place of lack — where we are attempting to fill ourselves up with being liked by others, etc. giving can never come from a void place. but, it can create a void, so we have to be careful to be in balance. when I give, it feels like my heart chakra is exploding. simultaneously, SO many blessings show up for me; with friendships/peace of mind/happiness and “lucky” breaks. it feels wonderful, and I give from a place of knowing I am infinite in my ability to do so. however – if I am giving to a black hole, or a person or situation that is either incapable or refusing to balance me with a proper physics figure 8 of energy, I can spot it. I will know if and when to completely remove myself from that person or situation because much of a taker energy is, as I described above, completely organic in nature. organics can not be remedied or fixed, they can only be modified — for a time. then, there is ZERO sustainability in temporary modification. unless the taker makes a DRASTIC decision to reform themselves, and this includes repeated, intelligent, and effective psychotherapy.

what can we do if we have attracted a taker and recognize their behavior (I want to reiterate that we are not judging their soul, but rather discerning their behavior)? the best thing to do is completely step away. send them love from the heart but not in a way that engages in more communication. if we are important to them, they will hit a breaking point either then or down the road and have a “come-to-Jesus” moment where they are forced to face themselves and the change necessary for their own healing and reform. then, and maybe only then, will we see the black hole we invested in close on that particular person or matter, serving a purpose we did not initially expect. but we can not fix a taker – that would be giving, once again, on top of anything previous. talk about draining.

what can we do if we are a taker? we can make a deep soul decision around our ego — which has been poorly trained for a host of reasons — to do some serious self-analysis. this doesn’t happen overnight, it is a death and subsequent rebirth of self. excellent clinical psych work can be helpful, but of course the right therapist is crucial; I treat a number of therapists and doctors who have bypassed much of their own ego by focusing on patients. it doesn’t work that way. there is no bypassing. if we really want to change, usually it will happen after a major loss of some sort. change is possible if we actually want it.

the bottom line for me regarding givers and takers is that each archetype and behavior is mirrored back and amplified in terms of the origin of that behavior. all shit floats, so even if we fall off balance at one point in the process (for “better” or for worse), we will be left where we started (either in abundance, or in lack). once we see the shit floating — in giver or taker territory — the intention behind each is what we are then left with, once again, as it resides in our core. and intention is our roadmap.

if you try to take more than you give, you will always lose.