the insidious nature of self-sabotage

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

hang tight — this is a long-winder post below! don’t get lost…

self-sabotage: none of us is a stranger to it. it “happens” differently for each person. and in this regard, talent or intelligence as commodities are actually irrelevant — because the cure for self-sabotage is one thing and one thing only: vulnerability. let me explain.

vulnerability is needed to open ourselves to experience any kind of recognition of authentic self. it strips away the layers of autopilot that cover the authentic self with (false) “protection”. for me, vulnerability means a few things: going to therapy (not easy to look at things that disappoint us about ourselves, rage us about our past or personal injustices, etc), trying new things (even a new exercise like yoga, pilates, marathon running, martial arts, etc.) and meeting new people (when I live nearly full-time in the philosophical and spiritual realms it can be challenging to go and have a “basic” conversation that is outside of my typical flow/verbiage/thought process). for example, I recently had dinner that was comprised of very “normal” conversation with some very corporate people. this was not for work. and when the question came up directed at me which was “so, what kind of hobbies and interests do you have?”, I felt challenged. wow! if this were 20 years ago, I would have had answers, or at least answers that I felt I could give. it’s a very normal question, too. but my challenge was to answer the question without going down some esoteric path that is just still not relatable to many people. if I’m being completely honest, part of me felt like a loser for pausing so long to answer it, but then I later realized that my life is really 99% work and perhaps I need to stretch that 1% where I feel vulnerable. perhaps I have focused too much (or all) of my being on life’s purpose and mission, keeping myself safe in “what I know”, and while I don’t regret a moment of it (it has taken me very far very fast in terms of what I want to contribute to this planet), the fact that that question made me feel vulnerable grabbed my attention to let me know that I have been too much in my comfort zone somehow (even though I feel like my work pushes many comfort zones constantly! if this even makes sense). what I realized is that by accepting feeling vulnerable and not trying to ignore it or cover it up in some way, I can grow — which will keep me further away from self-sabotage. and I will explain how.

when we are focused on growth, prompted only by acceptance of vulnerability, we are OCCUPIED; the unconscious mind that operates on old cassette tapes from prior decades starts to WAKE UP. these cassette tapes are the very unseen/unheard — until after we sabotage ourselves — pattern-repeaters that disrupt us from moving forward in life. when we are occupied because we are expanding, and vulnerability is the KEY, ALWAYS, to expansion, the unconscious mind which is full of bad “safe” patterns gets disrupted. the first way that it gets disrupted is in that the unconscious mind serves to actually help us AVOID vulnerability. so, when we actually walk STRAIGHT into it (vulnerability), we have already started to disrupt that loopty-loop track that it is ingrained in, in order to “protect” the ego/self. yes, whether “good” or “bad”, that unconscious mind and the ego adrenaline that courses alongside its commands actually serve to protect anything that is familiar to us. this obviously creates a huge problem when what is familiar to us is really bad for us. lots of us learned things out of pure survival when we were 1 day old or 7 years old or anything in between or beyond, just to survive. we may not remember these things. in fact, we often DO NOT remember these things — because we were in a state of pure survival! base level survival doesn’t engage in conversation — it just survives. this is why I continue therapy. there are things that have been too dangerous for my mind to remember. but, in order to move toward and THROUGH vulnerability, and into my full expression of myself, I have no choice but to remember. and it’s very chicken and egg, because that very remembrance actually surfaces each time I disrupt the patterned unconscious mind with vulnerability.

we all do it — we “keep ourselves safe” with the things that make us feel safe. it is why many corporate people only socialize with other corporate people. it is why certain socioeconomic brackets only socialize with similar socioeconomic brackets. we are constantly avoiding the unfamiliar, because it is uncomfortable. however, avoiding discomfort and therefore shunning vulnerability which is the only key to actual inner (hence outer) growth is by definition the insidious nature of self-sabotage. I will go into greater nuanced detail with an example or ten from my own life.

I recently had a session with a prior patient named Alexis. she came for my new year pop up dedicated to past patients. I love and adore her so much. her initial session with me was one of my favorites. I mean, I could truly say that nearly every session I have done is my favorite, and I remember each session like it was yesterday. but each is unique unto themselves and Alexis is absolutely unique and special. hence her session which also provoked a piece of me. before we began the table work during her session, we touched base on so many fronts. similar to what I always talk about with people — in terms of what holds them back from moving forward on whichever front, tangible or intangible. I was telling her that the morning of her session, in fact the night before it, I was awoken by a very strong urge — an urge to “take action” around a particular matter involving a group of people. the urge was strong, and there was an element of negativity to it. a number of years ago, I worked with a company that I became gravely disappointed in. I had witnessed extensive abuse of helpless persons, and I was horrified — at the time, I took immediate action, reported it, documented everything, and did all that I could. though I took all of the action that I could, I have been awoken over the years to traumatic memories of this experience. each time this happens, I have to ask myself the same question again: did I do all that I could? the answer is always yes. however on the day that I was to see Alexis, I was awoken with rage and pain over what I had experienced with this company a number of years ago. the feelings were so intense, that I actually woke up with the intention to somehow expose this company. my mind was extremely occupied with this seeming guidance to act. the intention seemed and felt so very loud, and I was having a hard time rationalizing “where” this drive was coming from. was it an actual intention? or was it something else? what I would later ask myself, — the most important question perhaps — was, “is this my unconscious mind bringing me self-sabotage? to distract me from the positive things in my life? is this an old pattern somehow?”. the reason that I did not INITIALLY — as in the morning of this “insight” — ask myself whether it was self-sabotage, is because I could not tie it to anything. in the past, self-sabotage occurred for me (or so I thought) only AFTER something wonderful happened in my life. let me explain my personal patterns of self-sabotage (as well as an example of a former patient’s personal pattern of self-sabotage) first, to give you an idea as to particulars and “format” of my self-sabotage —

as I said earlier, self-sabotage is created for us and resides in the unconscious mind, and is simply an attempt to REPEAT patterning that we survived upon. whether that was a “good” or a “bad” thing. for me personally, since I could ever remember, life began and went like this: every single birthday, holiday, award ceremony (I was an accomplished athlete as a young person), play, job interview, first date, graduation or otherwise should-be “celebrated” event in my life was completely destroyed in the most horrendous way (each and every time, right up until January 2017, in fact — at which point I was then already doing it “to myself” after the onset of my adult years on bizarre auto-pilot “self-protective” patterning). it was destroyed with physical and emotional and psychological trauma/abuse, danger, punishment and rage from those who were supposed to take care of me. there are too many examples to give, and I will give a few, but in short, I was never ever allowed to celebrate myself. in fact, my life depended upon NOT celebrating myself or achieving anything. so over time, I learned how to damage any potential opportunity for myself — not because I wanted to or was even conscious of doing so, but because my body and mind (unconsciously and sometimes consciously), from a pure adrenal and survival based level, equated personal achievement or celebration with pure danger or destruction.

brief examples: I do not remember one holiday or birthday of mine during which, immediately before, during or immediately after, I was not a hysterical mess/in tears/punished (often sadistically) for some reason. the reasons eclipse me, because usually there were none. the hypervigilance of knowing that anything positive or special would be met with consequences is still in my body, and I work to shake it out. I won’t go down the rabbit hole of digression with who/why in terms of how this happened. but I was always a mess during said “special” times. nearly all of my first days of school each fall, including most notably with actual clear memory my sophomore year in high school, were met with a red and swollen face because I had been crying for hours endlessly and I was completely sleep deprived. this is how I was supposed to start my first day at school. the shame and humiliation I felt all around was unchartered. it was worse than having special holidays or birthdays met with the same, because at least with those I knew everyone in the room or I could hide from people. the first job interview I ever had when I was 15, the person driving me there was drunk and swerving all over the road. I hopped out of the car briefly, but got back in because I felt guilty for the person who was committing the crime (this is how brainwashing works). when I got to the interview, I was totally spaced out, again red-faced with tears, obviously because I was traumatized. somehow I got the job (because someone close to me knew the hiring manager). ironically (or not), the very last day of this job, which was just 3 short months later, the person who drove me home from it was completely intoxicated again, and I once again feared for my life while in a car. it was almost too perfectly fit around my first job, which, by the way, I was fired from. why was I fired? well, perhaps everything in my body said “ruin this — ruin this”, based on the very loud messages I had received prior, even on my way to the actual interview. not consciously, of course, was my experience of ruining this opportunity ahead of me. I simply seemed to follow — like a robot — the meridian lines of my body and mind. I recall leaving that job in the middle of the day to go explore another part of the location’s grounds with someone who worked in another department. I didn’t let anyone know, I just went, and when I came back I was fired for doing so. I was living up to all that I was “trained” to do, and I did not realize that at the time. other examples; my very first boyfriend at 15. I cared for him. a whole lot. more than I would for anyone else for years. he felt the same. while immersed in the chaos of my home and training ground at that time, I overtly sabotaged that relationship. I hung up on him repeatedly via phone, I acted crazy when he was driving us, taking the steering wheel and swerving us off the road for “fun”, and I ignored his offering of love and a deeper relationship. of course he stopped wanting to see me. this left me heartbroken for 2 years, and I could not date for those 2 years. in high school I was approached by a photographer for quality modeling and head shots, which would have given me work. I instead gave the opportunity to a friend. that same month, I was offered a day-time runway job by a NYC agency that would have paid my car insurance and other bills I was responsible for. I never showed up for the run-through. I felt too guilty since it was clearly not ME my parents were pushing to be the model, but rather my sibling. I recall being filled with shame and humiliation as the director of this agency was trying to hire me the last time I went in. I felt inherently afraid of achieving anything, making money, or shining. when it came time to apply for colleges, I didn’t care if I went or not. but it was in my upbringing that I would go, and I was lucky to go. but because I didn’t care about a future or plan for one, I was totally blase about applying for college. I randomly applied for the first two that were suggested to me, and bypassed a number of schools or other routes that would have been great opportunities for me. to boot, I barely attended class in high school, was voted most least likely to be seen, and I almost never studied. I acted like an airhead in school (the opposite of what I was) to satisfy my fear of ever being credited with respect or achievement. again — I was following some subconscious protocol. highschool graduation itself was a drama, focused 100% on others and their drama, not me. I ended the night in raging tears, as I would my college graduation as well — because nothing positive was ever allowed to exist for me without the absolute opposite…hell on earth. there was hell to pay for happiness, and hell to pay for celebration, and hell to pay for anything that took me into who I was to become (my soul’s purpose) — an autonomous being. after college, I took a job out of state and began dating someone back home with serious mental health issues (ok to my credit he seemed fine at the time, at least on paper, but it’s not surprising that I was following what I knew). during my second month on the job, both he and the person who used to drive me drunk to my first job came to visit me. you might guess that I lost my job in the new city. I either showed up late, or had to call in sick too many times, due to the drama visiting my apartment, which really meant I could not “show up” for myself or others. my past could not escape me, or I could not escape it. you get the picture — anything good that was ever on the table for me was a massive threat to all that I had known: ruining good times and good opportunities for myself was deeply rooted. my association with anything good was simply danger. fast forward —

I spent years underachieving as a result, but perhaps more concerning, self-sabotaging around very specific subjects: accolades, recognition and opportunity. or base level growth. the “how” in my case, is specific and I have outlined it here. and yes, it is devastating and irritates my skin even while writing about it. but the thing is, we each have this — in one form or another. maybe not in my form. but thematically, on a chemical level at least, it is all the same. I’m not suggesting that we were all encouraged to self-destruct in the face of what should be welcomed and celebrated, like I was. but, we have each received some kind of message of LIMITATION in order to survive. whether it was from a social group, society, TV, our neighbor, our family, or otherwise. I know that we all have this, because I see it over and over in my practice, with some of the most successful people on our planet!

for example. John Doe works for an incredible company. he makes millions of dollars. he had a relatively stable home life as a child. however, as some do, he had a relationship with his father that he did not believe impacted him negatively (until he discovered his self-sabotage in his own work, via our session together) when it actually did. John is a top producer at a major firm. however, he feels a constant fear of failure around losing money for the company. since he is very smart and well-liked, he never loses his job, but he lives in a constant state of fear around “letting his boss down”, and never quite makes it to the “next level” with the company. he realizes that in order to go to the next level, he can’t feel this feeling anymore. but where does it come from? we can’t change it unless we can find it. the same way I have to constantly make associations between my past and present. in our session, I explain that he is in constant self-sabotage mode, on a daily basis, as an ego adrenaline response to the past. he looks confused. “how?” he says. I illustrate the pattern in which he learned at an extremely young age that his father left the family after the divorce and that he was the cause. John’s constant fear of failure at work is produced actually by his own fear of vulnerability — he has not yet been willing to “go there” and see that he is not actually responsible for the family’s/company’s dynamic. seeing that he is NOT the cause, requires vulnerability, because without it he is otherwise locked in a pattern of survival. this causes a pattern in John where he insists on gripping this fear in his heart at work where he unconsciously blames himself in advance for letting down his boss and company, because he has to repeat an old belief where it was internalized that he is responsible for the fate of a human infrastructure (family). giving up that belief is very scary for John. his inability to see that his childhood family dynamic was NOT his fault is caused by ego adrenaline, because when we are children, we assume responsibility for that which is too complicated to process psychologically. we actually HAVE to assume responsibility, at a young age, for that which we can not process psychologically, or otherwise risk annihilation (death) of the ego because it feels too unsafe. death of the ego actually mimics death of the physical body — it is that primal. this is a very insidious process. John is still doing this old cassette tape playing at work, because letting go of responsibility is just “too risky” to the part of the mind that is committed to it. just like it was for me. because we could not control it. and so we had to commit to it as our own. and now we are just hitting repeat with anything that resembles that experience. so, as we sit in our healing session, we discuss what the trade-off might be associated with, with ending this self-sabotage aka ego adrenaline coursing from the unconscious mind. if John is to let go of this, and he stops worrying about losing the company millions of dollars, and instead says “fuck it” and loses the company millions of dollars and is “ok” because he can finally admit that it is not his fault (i.e. his father leaving the family was not his fault), then his boss fails to become his father and he can effectively “give up” this old conditioned pattern. and he can make it to the next level. and so with my CBT method and conversation, we fix this together, and John shatters his own glass ceiling.

the above is a basic example. it illustrates what the mind does in response to stimuli that mimics an old experience. but what about this — what about self-sabotage that occurs in the ABSENCE of any tangible stimuli? this takes me right back to explaining my recent session with Alexis. when I woke up the morning of her session, and I had such a strong “intuition” to put my energy into exposing (again, just on a more public level this time, which would bring negative attention my way — quite the old pattern indeed) a company that I experienced as having corruption, for the first time I paused before taking action around such a thing. I then had a novel idea, which I shared in Alexis’s session: what if, for the first time in my life, my impulse or compulsion in response to stimuli was actually taking place BEFORE the stimuli? so in my case, the stimuli as I expressed was/is anything that is positive/loving/notable in my life, typically centered around achievement. what if, this time, I was feeling the impulse or compulsion in direct ADVANCE response to what was COMING my way? I quickly considered the fact that perhaps our brainwaves and natural intuition is so strong, akin to a dog sniffing a tornado, that this time I was picking up on something wonderful coming my way and ruining it in advance. wow. what was I to do next? first, I was to pause. just pause. and everything about my session with Alexis and what we spoke about with regard to her, validated that need to pause and “just see”. I could hardly believe (but I believe it now!) that perhaps our spidey senses are so strong that we self-sabotage before we even believe that we have had the ability to do so. the next thing I did was sit with the feeling and the SPACE that came with NOT reacting to the impulse, perhaps veiled as guidance, and feel it. do you know what it felt like? it felt glorious. it felt like pure love. it felt exciting. this is the space that was always meant for me before broken furniture was thrown into it by others and I had no control over it. I saw that I didn’t have to throw my own broken furniture into it anymore. it was in that space that I KNEW something incredible was coming my way, and perhaps for the first time ever, I would not be on auto-pilot to damage or ruin it. sure enough, a few days later, an incredible opportunity came my way. one that I won’t ruin. because……..vulnerability…

I won’t ruin it, because I have decided to replace my old cassette tapes with careful, willful vulnerability. instead of following “insight” that has me following up on and walking INTO the grave mistakes and injustices of others, when it is NOT my responsibility to do so, as I was feeling in regard to the company I had that experience with (very similar to my youth, ey?), I have decided to distract my unconscious mind with something new: new things, new people, new places, and the unfamiliar in general. because if I can do this, if I can replace my old comfort of sabotage with vulnerability, the meridian lines around my unconscious mind are re-routed and have to work even harder to stay stuck. but this can not be done if we are not challenging ourselves in order to break up the survival mode of the ego adrenaline and unconscious mind. so this is what I am doing: going to therapy, continuing to make old disappointing connections to my past that liberate me, and challenging myself with the unfamiliar and uncomfortable. even on the most base level. we don’t need to look far to find something that can challenge what we are accustomed to, even on a day to day 3d note (people, places and things). like, how about even taking a new route home from work to change up the familiarity ingrained in the body’s gps? I know that if I can keep this up long enough, and continue to feel vulnerable enough, my patterns won’t get the best of me. because my corrosive patterns will be weaker, and my being will begin to get permission to survive upon something new.

I see self-sabotage with the most talented people on our planet. friends. former friends who were once friends but so poorly sabotaged themselves to the point that I did not want to include their lack of consciousness or strength around being vulnerable in my life anymore. and these are the same people who do not understand why “some people make it, and others do not”. some people make it, not on their talent, and not on their hand-outs — but on their willingness to be vulnerable — over and over again. this can ONLY be found in unfamiliar territory. so, I offer you this question today: what are some of the scariest things you can do in order to diversify your routine? I told you some of mine: venturing out into the great abyss of the more basic and regulated world and immersing myself in it (because hey, my purpose is mainstream, and nothing can get me away from that, not even my unconscious mind), flexing muscles I have not used in a long time, or ever. I have kept myself safe the same way that we all do — by sticking with what I know because it gives me a sense of who I am. but what about who I am NOT? because who I am NOT, any longer, is the person who distracts themselves with other people’s mistakes in order to avoid my own happiness.

 

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general updates, new (OLD) boundaries, how to follow up with me (for past and current patients)

general updates, new (OLD) boundaries, how to follow up with me (for past and current patients)

photo by Jennifer Santaniello (ps I like sherry)

so I have / had probably the most flexible “protocol” and boundaries of any healer, intuitive or otherwise helper-person I know, during and post sessions. I remember my own time of great need and growth, and anyone I wanted to speak to or communicate with in any way (counselor, therapist, healer, astrologer etc) — no matter HOW well I knew them — had a red tape protocol. for example, I could not even communicate with them until I paid for their time. or, if there was any flexibility with that, the time was very specific and quantified. I recall fully understanding and respecting that, but also feeling that I wanted to do things a little bit differently when I came out of the healing closet and worked with people publicly. and, I have stretched my boundaries as far as they could possibly EVER go. I love the way I have done things, and yet I also have to remind people of how far is “too far” for me, so that I don’t bleed out of my pores and die from being inundated.

I have a very clear disclaimer at the end of my email address. I also am very clear in letting each person know (for the whammy 6+ hour sessions that I tapered off last year and are now on a very limited case-by-case basis only) that there is roughly a one month boundary around each session. for the pop ups that I began offering last November, there was a very specific set time of in person and remote follow-up that I offered, and I did go beyond that in each case as well, because I always want to give as much as possible. that said, I can not and will not reply to every email that comes in months and years later with random requests for readings/answers to questions (please realize that I have to go into a very specific space to do that, meditate, and basically tear up my day), and random requests for remote sessions. after a roughly one month period of time (which I have far exceeded in every single case in the past for my long traditional sessions) I operate on an hourly basis — like any professional out there.

over the past few years, I have received out-of-the-blue “requests” — not “can I book your time” or “do you allow xyz” — for pro bono work and healing. I have often obliged. this does not fit into my paradigm any longer, for several reasons. one, is that if I did this for each “request”, I would never ever be able to work again (let alone eat, shower, leave my house). there are just too many. one person, recently, after a year — a YEAR — actually flat-out requested with no questions asked a remote session. I am not sure what I have done to give off the impression that I am an endless, bottomless pit of giving, but I am not. what I will do, though, is go above and beyond for each and every person and that will never change. my hourly rate will always end up being on par or even less than what any other professional is charging. that is non-disputable when it comes to the number of emails, phone calls, table or in person work and remote work.

I am writing this email for those (who I love) who may be used to the way I was working before, which was honestly quite endless, and I literally can not do that anymore. if you want my time, please CALL the business line at 646 470 1178 and request a 90minute consultation OR remote session (I work with an hourly rate). if we have worked together more than a month ago, you absolutely have all of the information you could possibly need for your process and now it is up to YOU to process it. I can’t do it for you and if I did, it would be a robbing of your soul anyhow. and you would return to face the same lesson harder.

I recognize that the way I have worked might have some folks confused, so PLEASE do not feel bad if you are reading this and thinking “oh no, am I one of those people?” — because I love you no matter what, and this is on ME to make clear, not you. 99% of everyone I have worked with has been nothing short of gracious and amazing. some needed more time and guidance than others, and in many or most cases it was me who suggests that extra time / extra remote sessions and correspondence. this post is a fresh start to clear up curiosity or concern for anyone who wants to work with me further and isn’t clear on how to do so. it is also a fresh start to explain some changes that are happening and how I may not be able to get to everyone (also email changes, hence the phone call request). I have to start to draw these boundaries in order to move forward with our greater initiative! which is way yay!

last year I began receiving “offers” or collab requests. of all kinds. I spent the year sifting through them, seeing what was right and what was not right. I also began my own initiatives in finance, pediatric energy, and more. there are relationships that I have been building for years with people who head up their industries, and those have been gestating to give birth to something substantial when it is collectively ripe to do so. it is almost collectively ripe to do so! and so that is my now-focus. this is taking a tremendous amount of time as I spend focused legally, administratively, and so on. I have hired a number of people for things over the last year or two. that takes time and energy. so a lot of the “extras” that I was able to give before, I am not. but I will still give extra! I just want to explain my position because I never want someone to think or feel that I do not have time for them or do not consider them extremely special and dear to me. I also want to explain the importance of boundaries, not only for myself, but for you to learn for YOUR business and life. the way we operate with others is the way we operate for ourselves and vice versa. respecting someone’s time and energy and expertise, as well as our own, is the only way we can move forward, heal, grow and build. it is crucial.

for anyone I have worked with or am working with, please note the roughly one-month boundary around correspondence. for pop ups (or any non traditional session / not a 6+ hour session with weeks of follow-up), it is a week (I work in person, touch base afterward both in email and via phone, offer remote work, and touch base again similarly). after that, please leave me a voicemail requesting 90minutes or longer (90minutes is the minimum amount of time allotted) for either a phone call, email reading, a mix of both, or a remote session.

this year is really a break out year. it is the year that we are no longer planning, but doing. for me, this is really huge and you are going to see exactly how. it has been my dream to canvass many industries at once (I have a special nickname for the break out year, but I’ll share it later!), in ways that can not be anticipated or replicated without authenticity. I am so excited to see so many other legit healers and helpers out there, and I will always support those of you who are.

I also have not forgotten what it means to have fun. well, I almost have. I feel like I have spent over a decade in a bunker dedicated only to life’s purpose, and I want to have fun again. I want to celebrate art and life and emerge also as the true spirit that I am, now that I have laid my groundwork and can be taken more seriously considering my trade. it was crucial to me to develop a strong base of actual experiences before letting myself go a little bit more — i.e. doing fun photo shoots with friends, expressing my point of view and experience on truly “other” subjects i.e. past lives and beyond via these little projects, and generally feeling myself as a total human with an actual social life again.

as I broaden my work and my “image” I want each person (especially the young people) to know that I am still the same person. please don’t have an allergic reaction to seeing me “out of context” — i.e. not in my burka-like outfit with reading glasses as I often don during an in person session. you will see me more creatively, via fashion and art, and you will also see me in a corporate context. please have an open mind about the fact that I am not a linear being, that no one is a linear being. I recognize that we often have a set image or point of view of our teachers or mentors and when that changes, if we are in ego, we don’t know what to think about it. that is up to you to decide and integrate. it is the VERY SAME deal as not putting people in boxes or pigeon holing them because we need that in order to feel comfortable. we are all breaking our boxes and paradigms and confines. especially me. this is how we change the world. I hope you change with me.

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what happens when you ASSume things about others / how it relates to your EGO

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

in my life, one thing has remained constant: those who hurt me the most are those who I not only believed in the most, but whom I GAVE the most to. and I understand perfectly well why this could/would happen. EGO. and its convenient desire to ASSume in order to distance itself from truth. much of which I will discuss below.

people hurt us, not for the sake of hurting us — but rather for the sake of “proving” untrue that which threatens their egos. let me explain. if Jane grows up being abused by those who are supposed to love her the most, her entire being has committed itself to betrayal — just in order to SURVIVE. survival alone, for Jane, means committing herself to self-harm or betrayal by others. she may even fancy demeaning “creativity” as “fun”. as Jane grows and yearns to stop repeating certain patterns, she consciously or logically seeks love from others — teachers, lovers and friends. however, when actual love or truth begin to reach Jane BEYOND a surface or cognitive level, her unconscious (aka ego — which EVERY human has in spades so no, you can’t ohm yourself out of having it) mind does a karate chop and will create a story in effort to avert her core’s growth. Jane might read every spiritual book on the planet, travel to spiritual places, and even think that she is leading a spiritual life. but in reality, her ego adrenaline is charging in accordance with that which has kept it alive all along: betrayal. in this sense, when actual love or truth begin to hit Jane BEYOND surface level, she is threatened by it and must paint it black. it will take many, many attempts and experiences for Jane to come to terms with what she is actually doing. as she is on her journey to actually loving herself (this takes years — not weeks or months after recovering from trauma — it’s called a lifelong journey and our reason for breathing/existing), she will turn her back on that/who/what IS actual love or truth, over and over again — veiling it with a label of danger or deceit or disappointment. she will in turn seek out that which unconsciously feels familiar, but that which LOOKS/appears to be safe. this is pure ego, masquerading as “higher consciousness”. Jane has fooled herself, for a number of months or years, again, until she comes full circle back to the starting point of her test. (please read Dancing The Dream again!).

I’ve seen the above 1000s of times in humans. and, at some point, in myself. what we fail to understand is how our mind and adrenaline operate, because we live in a world of insta-everything. healing is not insta. there isn’t anything cool about it, either. there isn’t anything cool about being a “master” anything in the healing arts. healing is not taught. healing is only experienced from deep within the core of one’s very OWN soul — and no one can beat the clock on that in terms of what the Universe has in store in order to balance ego/consciousness/spirit accordingly or at the same speeds. we are at a disability when we out-intellectualize healing or try to understand it from a philosophical perspective. I have met so many smart (young) people who, with all that they “know” (thanks, internet), believe that they have “arrived” spiritually. and they have told me so. only for me to sit back and watch them fall into a steeper ditch than they imagined (often steeper than before they came to me for help), with the same lesson presented harder, so that they can learn to sense and operate from their core versus their ego mind that was trained upon certain patterns that are not shifted by reading a book or sensing someone’s energy. the point that we go to actually escape our processes bewilders me, and I have seen and felt the response in others as they avert, by avoiding and even hating that which spooked their ego into better alignment with their soul. (by the way, falling into a steeper ditch is not a fail but rather a win — so long as you are willing to look at it!)

for example. I was trained to run only toward things that were bad for me or did not serve me. or abused me. of course, I did not know this was my algorithm in my younger years, as it had only been set at one speed since I took my first breath. and I recall, in retrospect, coming across some people and situations that were truly of spiritual (not ego) benefit for me. I recall engaging in those situations, because on a spirit level I was a match, and then running from them — because ego-wise I was not yet a match. because I was trained oppositely ego-wise. this was not something my mind could overcome. no one’s mind can just overcome it. one can only move THROUGH it. with no shortcuts. my point is, the moment that I was in the presence of something that I had NEVER known (authentic love and truth), my spirit loved it and my ego hated it. then ensued the battle. I would default, in my early days (20s!, especially), to my ego. my ego would make up pretty amazing stories and rationale for disallowing authentic love and truth — via all human relationships — in my life. my spirit craved love and truth, yet my ego would default to what was “comfortable” — or familiar. that said, what was “comfortable”, looked to be ON THE OUTSIDE ONLY very “different” than the hurtful or scary experiences from the past. and that was the biggest problem of all. I was ASSuming, based on my human (not my spirit’s) perception, that things were now “different” because they LOOKED different. oh how wrong that is. oh, human ego.

the truth is, things are different only when we cease all unwanted patterns. and that is a chemical response that takes both time and work to correct into a healthy algorithm. as long as any unwanted patterns are in our life, we are committed to a false truth. in which we slide back into exactly the same patterns just using new faces to keep us up with the lie that things are ok…for a time. and then things implode again. and then we repeat it. until we do not…

the problem with ASSuming things about other people, is that we do not know which part of us is ASSuming. it’s nearly always our ego. because if we even have to make a judgement, versus flow with it, that is force at its finest. and when we ASSume about another person something to be true, especially because of good old gossip (aka cancer) or something another person said, we are royally screwing ourselves because we can not hear our core speaking to us.

I have literally experienced this first-hand as a healer. only to have the person profusely apologize later. in one case a year later. for example. in one healing I had done, the person had been sexually abused by their opposite sex parent. I knew it upon seeing them. I didn’t say it when I was working with them. and when I first saw this person, I sensed both their spirit’s desperation for me to help them, and their ego’s commitment for ME to be their abuser. imagine that! but yes! this can happen, by the way, to any therapist or healer who is diving in substantially to the psych field as I do with another person who is lost/confused/in need (another reason, by the way, that I am hanging up the mainstream healer hat. time for a break from the crucifix). anyhow, for a strong moment or longer, this patient and I connected to the same truth and I saw their body/mind/spirit line up all at once. they saw the truth as I had intuited, without my commentary, and began to recall it verbally. as a younger healer at the time, I was so excited to see that this person was “seeing the light!” “hooray!”. I thought they were ready (I would later read MY lesson in Dancing The Dream!). in the following days, their “clarity” was new and exciting and they could not wait to begin their new life, even with the hard truth’s they had recalled on their own (in the presence of my offering of energetic truth/held space). however, as they got closer to happiness and liberation that was starting to CHANGE their life, they began to act funny. retract. they reached out to OTHER patients of mine (who of course, contacted me about it) to question MY truth or authenticity. oy vey. they were having an allergic reaction to the changing algorithm of their ego adrenaline. and, sometimes people can actually have a breakthrough at this point, whereas others go backwards. well this one went backwards. they were once again in contrast between their human world and their spirit world. and in order to keep their ego adrenaline or human world happy in a case such as this, they MUST make everything black or white. in this case, I would be black, and their abuser would be white again. do you know how hard it is to actually overcome abuse? it is EXTREMELY HARD. when people claim to heal overnight, they do not know what they are talking about.

the ego will talk us backwards to any pattern that has kept us at a certain rhythm since birth. the journey is knowing WHEN it is talking us backwards. it is in this way that I have to be so careful in my own life as a healer not to take things personally. I have to remember that people are dealing with chemicals, not opinions. and we as people will seek out ANY ASSumption possible to prevent ourselves from breaking coursing (survival) adrenaline patterns. good or bad. when I was younger, not only did I experience not knowing who to trust (as my ego automatically rejected anything that was good/true), I experienced friends and potential romantic partnerships do the same to me. “you’re too good to be true — so you must be lying” — I heard that on more than one occasion. I recall meeting a wonderful man who had everything going for himself (actually this happened more than once); he seemed to have the world in his hand. and deep down, I knew that he had been molested by a female family member. I never brought it up. as we became closer, this seemingly very intelligent, attractive and worldly man began to look at me with fear. ME. the person who would not hurt a fly. the person who was always blamed for everything and just wanted love myself. and I heard for the first time in my life “you’re scary — because you can’t be real”. the fact that I operated with truth and love was so scary to this person, and countered every early life experience on this planet, that they went from throning me to trashing me. it was also the first time in my life that I realized this was not personal — I could see the energy field around it as it pertained to the psychological and emotional bodies. it made me realize that those I nearly broke my back for early on in my days of healing, who later thought negatively about me, were not opposed to me — but rather the truth that would continue to threaten their survival. maybe forever.

I’ve been fortunate enough in my own life to learn to deeply and unconsciously trust (still working on that as best I can) and to trust mySELF (major upcoming blog coming on that, by the way!), so that I don’t have to live in alignment with old ego chemicals. I’ve also been fortunate enough to attract mainly people who are far along enough on both their human AND spirit journeys (using spirit to overshadow human is a big, big mistake — the cost of spiritual bypassing is great) who don’t blame me when their old patterns want to either blame or peg me as something other than what I am. this is partially what has concerned me about coming out of the closet, as I realize that some people, as soon as they see me in an environment different than the one we met, will turn on me/change their opinion of me due to ego. something happened recently with someone I worked with who I really adored, which really disappointed me — and I had to realize again what I am good at realizing most of the time: someone’s “sudden” opinion about me, not based at all on our interactions but rather on later interactions of their own mind’s battle against itself and/or fueled by others who can’t trust themselves and therefore certainly not someone like me, has nothing to do with who or what I am. and I had to realize my inherent ability and tendency to look only at the higher self and potential, versus the actual human. I’m still learning to see in that light. it can be very hard at times not to take things personally with the work that I do, because it has oddly (or not) been proven to me over and over again that the people I went out of my way the most for (key phrase for my own learning too — “went out of my way the most for” — why did I do that? because I knew I was trying to fix something that was not in my hands — ego-check right there!), seem to want to blame me for something. this, by the way, also ties to a VERY old pattern I absorbed since birth, one that threatened my very breath if I did not internalize it, and so I have been working on erasing this energy signature. and that erasure is part of another blog post as I am digesting a recent breakthrough along the line of that pattern.

as I see this pattern leave me, I see evidence ALL around me of what that pattern represented: in the form of people. and their actions and words toward me. it never ceases to amaze me as to how obvious the carnage of pattern-breaking actually is, and how ALL of the many different people I’ve been in contact with respond during such a time. thank you to those who have made it harder, and thank you equally to those who have made it easier! because either way, it JUST IS. and I expand from that.

what I will say to anyone in a position of spirit and ego dissonance (if you are alive and breathing, you’re in the position!), be careful about what you ASSume about others. your ego may be at play, and no amount of education or info-intake can cure your unconscious mind from its desire to repeat what it is most familiar with. even though it may feel easy, or even “powerful” to ASSume something about a person, consider whether you are in force or power with that desire. you may find that it is simply coming from an old place that you don’t actually want to live in anymore.

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2018 Pop Up Offering for Past Patients

2018 Pop Up Offering for Past Patients

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

this offering is designed only for those who have done a traditional session with me (pre-October 2017) and read both books.

when I was doing these long sessions, I would do one “big one” as it was important to me that no one became dependent upon me over a series of in-person multiple sessions (also so as to not make the mistake of focusing on the physical rather than the emotional and unconscious mind! — both of which are crucial to sustainable healing), and in this way I feel people were able to more efficiently “own” their power and integrate the teachings.

over the course of the last few years I have been asked by former patients if/when they could come back for a “reboot”. because prior to now I was not offering abbreviated sessions and I had enforced the “one and done” session, I didn’t announce the opportunity to work together in that way. that said, on a conservative basis, I have seen a few people after their long traditional session in the context of an abbreviated session and it has been great. and after speaking with several folks from the past just in the last week, I decided to offer a truncated Pop Up session for those I have worked with more than 3 months ago and beyond. similar to my Holiday Help Pop Up, we will follow a specific format both in person and remotely.

dates that I am most interested in scheduling familiar faces are in numerical alignment with portal openings (i.e. 1/11, 1/12, 1/18, 1/20, 1/21, 1/22, 1/28, 2/2, 2/8, 2/18, 2/20, 2/21, 2/22, 2/28). that said, it is not required that we schedule on those dates. there are also full moon and new moon energies to consider/capitalize upon. whenever I schedule with ANY person for any session, I take into account dates and times.

I am looking at January and February specifically for this 2018 Pop Up Offering, but there is the chance I will continue such on and off over the first few months of the year. I have been focused on some non-profit work, as well as new partnerships in various industries (and navigating media requests), so I am hesitant to make a long-term guaranteed offering due to the fact that things are in such (positive) transition/flux right now. that said, I will step this out on a moment to moment and case by case basis — consistent with my work style from the very beginning!

I am super excited to see you, hear about your updates and company launches and new endings/beginnings, reboot you, and fill you in on what is happening in my world as well. to book this Pop Up, please call the office line at 646 470 1178.

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URANUS IS DIRECT as of Jan 2 ~ I’m no astrology expert, but… YAY

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

on January 2, I woke up and shot out of bed like a bullet with a mission. the mission was to tie off loose ends on situations that I had been pondering or ruminating with since AUGUST. I had no idea what Uranus meant in the star system, but then I found out late last night as I was reading this blog. wowsers! generally I have a laid back perspective on astrology, meaning I don’t bible it, perhaps because it is not my area of expertise or I don’t fully understand it. but in reading the blog last night, some really important matters became clear to me.

last August, early month before the 6th, I remember specifically sitting outside at a restaurant on the upper west side and feeling this massive shift happen — like a dog would sense a tornado. there was no tornado, but my insides turned upside down and I got this “uh oh” feeling. I can’t express how marked the sensation was. apparently, it was Uranus going retrograde. because after reading every detail of the blog last night, it was as if my inner and outer worlds had scripted it! and I don’t know the person who wrote that blog. so on January 2, last week, Uranus went direct, and the fact that I felt it palpably on both the retrograde and direct dates to a tee blow my mind. maybe I AM attuned to astrology more than I thought!?

I write this because I am sure I am not the only one. what does early August of 2017 until early January of this year represent for you? for me, there were MARKED situations that I actually HAD to document (which is why this period of time and the astrology report of such is so mind-blowing to me) and live through during this very specific time period. in one of my last blog posts about 2017 being over I mentioned a flooding of lessons and reflections that rapidly came to a halt for me at the onset of 2018. I now see how strongly the retrograde of Uranus is tied to that. go and read the details of that other persons blog post I reference in the first two paragraphs of this post!

as we step into a multi-direct planetary arrangement that we are now in, including Uranus, basically all that has been halted or inward will turn outward. this makes me super excited. I feel like the pause button was hit for me in August, on many matters, which forced me to learn certain lessons. the only way to learn a lesson is to go through it. we can not out-intellectualize the lesson. I feel as though the lessons “ended” or concluded on January 2, which was a marked day for me (and the end of the Uranus retro!).

the good news about this for all of us, as there is always good news with any planetary configuration, is that this current week of January is a power week to get things done and move forward on things we have been waiting to do. the momentum associated with the energy field we are in is one of the most positive, if not THE most positive (and by positive I mean STRONG!), of the entire year ahead. there are some things I really don’t feel like doing. for example, I have been exceptionally lazy about working out the past few weeks, which is SO unlike me. there were some matters I didn’t feel like handling, in both business and personal, that I handled as of January 2nd as well as today. those, by the way, are the “little things” that actually cause us lost sleep because we don’t give enough credit to wiping crumbs off the table. whenever I have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, there are always “little things” that I deem little, but which are actually rather important, that need to be finished/addressed/managed, even if I am afraid or do not want to. this current week now/ahead is all about finishing the “little things”. what “little things” are hanging in your rearview mirror that you keep turning away from? they might seem super minor, but those, at least for me, are ALWAYS the most major. overcoming major obstacles is easier, because they are more obvious and draw simple attention to them. the minor obstacles can evade us, causing us to ignore them, which can create an equal mess or glitch as a perceived or blatant major obstacle. I suggest taking care of the minor obstacles soonest, as the major ones will call to your attention without much effort on your part.

in reading the “general” or collective energy this week, which for me is not based on astrology but I’m sure collides with the astrological forecast, I see and have been made aware of many sudden explosions in the lives of others. these explosions, no doubt, are the “minor” things that they have overlooked. examples include multiple marriages that are on the rocks bringing up conflict for review and much-needed ACTION steps, inflamed (suddenly) illness, which are bringing up much-needed ACTION steps around belief systems / the past / emotional states, and legal matters or karma involving bad behavior — if my eBooklet on karma is any indication, well, expect that a new cycle began on January 2nd!

according to all astrological forecasts, “sudden and unexpected change” is abound — separate from the astrological forecasts, but validating of such, is everything that I see around me with others at this very moment! indeed, sudden and unexpected change — however, I have to ask, if we are deeply connected to our core, how unexpected could it REALLY be? I think it is unexpected (in terms of being “unwanted” or “unwarranted”) if we are not being totally honest with ourselves. and I think it is unexpected (in terms of being “exciting” or “warranted”) if we are being totally honest with ourselves. either way, all good things can come.

as a double-earth sign, Capricorn with Taurus rising, I tend to get REALLY REALLY STUCK. I know it may not seem like it on the outside. but I really struggle with being stuck and holding myself back. I don’t like to attribute things to astrology and again I don’t have a full understanding of it, but I do know that in addition to whatever personal challenges I have, is likely my personal planetary alignment. that said, when planets go direct, I get excited because I get a tail wind that I didn’t have as I sat on my ass pondering life all of the weeks or months prior about xyz.

when I woke up today, I had a long message from someone I have been SO excited, for the last year or so, to work with in multiple ways. it’s totally a brand new concept and we have been chatting about it on and off for a year. I forgot that this person was overseas for a long time, and we had not communicated since the fall of last year because of their travel. yet this week will bring those reconnections of seeds planted and forgotten about. this potential partnership (there are many pots boiling on my stove in terms of partnerships!) is unlike any other I have mentioned or pre-emptively listed under my services section on this website. it’s something I never would have fully planned on, and I can’t wait to dive into it and explore. this potential partnership also needed to gestate, because it is along the lines of medicine and earth elements in a context that our collective is barely ready for (but ready enough). it is a true cusper partnership that we will have to pioneer. pioneering is my favorite thing to do!

so…getting things done. as much as I want my ideas and partnerships to get moving already (I’m impatient), the best thing I can do is move my butt. the best thing I can do, especially as these planets turn direct, is address the things I don’t want to and certainly didn’t want to as of August 2017 (which was exactly when some difficult and very uncouth things took place in my life – time to windex those crumbs now). the best thing I can do is go do some new workouts to jostle my body a bit into new patterns, which will then trigger my mind into new patterns of inspiration. the best thing I can do is make some calls and revisit working with some new people in some new ways. the best thing I can do is organize one of my workshops. my finger has been on the pause button all-around, and the August 2017 to January 2018 context is like WHOA to me.

time to get things done! while expecting the unexpected.

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dear Healers: how to spot a socio/psychopath

photo by Babita Patel (I think I colored a little outside the lines of the coloring book on my lips here, oops! don’t judge me)

writing posts about negative matters are not really my jam. I’m definitely more into the power of positive potential and dream-making and glitter. but, I am also a grounded person. I don’t shy away from reality and some of the denser or undesirable facts of life. and so my last post erred in waves on the slightly negative side, but certain things need to be said. after I write these I do feel a little “meh? was that needed?” about posting the unGodly or unfavorable — but I always get flooded with emails or messages about how helpful said post was. so here is this one too.

last night I was up on and off, and flooded in lucid/dream states with info about the underbelly of human mechanics, also referred to as sociopathy and psychopathy. it occurred to me clearly that despite the many articles out there on the www on the subject, I am supposed to share my own brief pointers as I have had substantial experience with such.

the very first time I had a glaring and very substantial encounter with a socio/psychopath (I am combining the terms here into one because there are some fine lines in difference between the two, and one can certainly bleed or grow into the other), was via my work. this person was not a patient, but rather a doctor who wanted to work alongside me and vice versa. somehow, some way, I am ALWAYS protected or saved at the 11th hour from danger, as was the case with the doctor. long story short, it was early on in my healing career and I was invited to and offered things in the medical realm. before I became too ingratiated with this person, they had been arrested for underground drug trafficking, writing illegal prescriptions, and then-some (nasty stuff that I won’t elaborate on). what caught me off guard about the whole thing though, was not what they had done and who they actually were, but rather the fact that I felt such a strong affection for this person (we were 100% platonic, by the way, thank God). I learned and experienced the extravagant allure, almost God-like energy that some of these socio/psychopath animals posses.

I would later experience, via my own practice, nearly half-a-dozen socio/psychopaths coming to me for “help” which, according to my therapist at least, is not so bad in number for a 5-10 year stretch of healing work. as 2017 reinforced for me, it is the compassionate, empathic, full-of-heart-and-soul individuals who are targets of the socio/psychopaths. psychics, healers and the otherwise “alternative” are often huge targets or obsessions for the socio/psychopath. I have found out over the past few years that friends or colleagues of mine had been unwitting participants in the socio/psychopath dance, with at least one person, and I was amazed each time that people as “psychic” or intuitive as them had been duped. but here is the thing: a socio/psychopath is a master of duping. more than a master. and because they can shape shift and alter their appearance (emotionally, psychologically and otherwise) like the wind, you won’t see it coming. until after. here are some of the abbreviated hallmarks of my own personal experience that illuminate EACH socio/psychopath case I have encountered:

1) they have one end goal, and one end goal only: to abuse and exploit your time, energy and resources. yes, I know it sounds odd. like, why, right? don’t ask why. asking why is your first mistake. if you are a healer, look for the following: prior to the session, they will either email you with a long sob story, or attempt to engage you multiple times, in a way that you feel you can not possibly turn away from. they are charming to engage you before you even begin to “work” with them. if they are extra “smart”, or they work in the mental health field and don’t want it documented, they will call you and insist upon devouring your time before the session even begins. now, my system, you would think, would be foolproof, in terms of allowing people to email me or call me with issues prior to a session — but it is not. and I have been fooled. several socio/psychopath experiences later only to have the “ah-ha so this is what they all have in common” moment. they will complain about money — they come 100% from a lack mentality, and seek only to accumulate to fill their empty pit. note how many times they mention cost of xyz, money in general, or try and milk you for either a discount or more. they will also do this by making or trying to make you question your work, whether it was good or not, only in an effort to extract more from you. but it’s not only that…

2) they give each person in their life (whomever they want to abuse or exploit time/energy/resource-wise) a different sob story or story. they are adept at understanding you, your life, your background (especially if you have a blog), and those around you. since you likely will not know other healers or past romantic partners or colleagues of theirs, this is a really tough one to size up. but eventually, at least for me, all truth or lack thereof around me pertaining to others comes out in the wash! this may be an after-the-fact realization in dealing with a socio/psychopath, unfortunately. remember though: they have various versions of their truth/trauma/difficulty. and you will never know which version or why, you are getting. if you are especially stuck in ego or wanting “figure them out” because you are smart or you have an ivy psych degree yourself, you have already lost!

3) they will try to infiltrate your circles. they want to know who you know, how, and why. once “in”, they will seed-plant, worm-tongue, or whatever else it is in order to try to establish some control over you/the situation. these people are often obsessed people, and once they know you are vulnerable to their story, they will use that to move in further. the goal? — I know, it’s not a goal that you or I would have and the bizarre nature of it is often overlooked by us which is dangerous — to immerse themselves in a pool of love, strength and energy that they themselves do not have. they are there to energetically bottom-feed. before you know it, you are sick, you feel weak, you can’t sleep well, you are thinking of them, etc. it is the ultimate entity attachment. and if you are a sensitive healer, good luck! nothing can prepare you for how you will feel once you engage with them. the way to ward off this behavior is super strong boundaries.

4) STOP TRYING TO FIGURE THEM OUT, i.e. “do they know what they are doing? do they not know what they are doing? they must be conscious of xyz though…”. just stop. stop right where you are. you will never be able to understand their motives or behavior, because if you did, you would have to be just like them (a black hole). the reason that super-intelligent (usually women, p.s.) people fall prey to their performances is because they are interested in the mind, higher-mind and so forth. I have worked with AMAZING women who have been duped, even married, to socio/psychopaths. these women were/are absolutely top of their fields, most ivy-league, all-stars. a person like this can be a socio/psychopaths DREAM — because if they can dupe/catch such an accomplished person, it is a false but much-needed reflection back to the socio/psychopath as to their own value. the “ultimate” person, is usually the ultimate target in the mind of the socio/psychopath and they salivate with desire and excitement as they stalk and conquer their prey. if this sounds cinematic or over-the-top, well, believe it anyhow! this is exactly how it works. as for how to handle them, the best thing to do is “yes” them to death until they move onto another target. if you don’t throw up resistance or a challenge, they will get bored.

5) they do/can reveal themselves somewhat quickly, so long as you are not duped for too long or too deep in per their above tactics. for me, at this point, I can typically spot one of these characters within minutes. but, I don’t want to get ahead of myself — because underestimating their levels of expertise is the very first mistake. thinking that “I know better” or “I am protected” or “I am strong” is the worst and most egocentric thing I could think. that said, if you let a socio/psychopath talk long enough, and you pay attention to their absolute lack of respect for a boundary of any kind, they will reveal. the trick is to not get sucked into their alluring, charming, victimhood that will make you want to give them all of the love in the world to fix that broken toy. they reveal themselves per the above 4 points I have made, if you can catch it. although those 4 points are rather concrete, trust me, they will slither through and around those 4 points and it will only be after the fact that you realize what has happened.

working as a Healer (a real one — I recognize that there are socio/psychopath healers out there) or therapist (a good one, free of mental illness) is one of the most gratifying yet vulnerable walks of life to navigate. if you are walking such walk, know that your light and heart is needed now more than ever — and often by the wrong people. pay attention. when your gut whispers to you that something is off, it is. avoiding that gut could damage your reputation, hurt you physically, or worse.

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I’m back in the office! and general updates/conclusions ~ 2017 is over.

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

or should I say, I am back at one of my favorite coffee shops/restaurants where I handle much of my correspondence — emails, phone calls and blog posts. on a note of realness, this place has the best energy ever of its kind. after over a year of running here mid morning or late day to handle some business, every single visit has met me with kindness, amazing customer service, and simply happy people — employees AND customers. this place is a true NYC gem!

that said, I am back in motion. I have many, many phone calls to return, voicemails to listen to, emails to return, and scheduling to set. if you have reached out, please read my about section on this site as well as my disclaimers regarding how I work — that will hopefully let you know that every call, every inquiry and every resonance is equally important to me regardless of whether or not we communicate. everyone is important to me.

at the end of 2017 I felt like I went through a meat grinder of potential realities as it would pertain to my very being, which is my work and my soul’s expression. I am the type of person who is constantly presented with MANY lessons at once, and instead of taking a year or two to learn each one, I am forced to learn each one at rapid speed — sometimes compressed into a 24 hour period. everything within and around me is constantly compressed to the point where my friends or acquaintances can’t relate to my process because mine is so weird. I have to continue to get comfortable with the fact that asking for feedback or advice from those around me is not in my cards. thankfully my therapist is not only clinically excellent, but she understands the metaphysical as it pertains to my basic functioning (if that even makes sense!). I think we can all relate to learning lessons or gathering life information at rapid speed from time to time, and the whiplash that we feel accompanies it. for me in general, since I was small, and for me now, it continues to happen in every area of my life all at once and RAPIDLY. so I say this to give some kind of a digestible perspective for both those who relate to this, and those who do not. also, I don’t judge the way my processes work, I don’t consider them to be worse or better than perhaps what I would prefer for them to be at certain times.

so back to the whiplash! — and end of 2017. for me, it was as if every single lesson or truth I learned throughout the year (or more like my entire life!) got thrown back at me into a one month period of time. when I say ” got thrown back at me”, it was like seeing the grand finale of each lesson or truth or bottom line conclusion in raw form in its final expression (which means I had to re-experience things a final time). all of the things I had pondered or answers I had asked for all year-long (or ever thus far, it seems) were thrown at me at once. it was like I was reading a big book all year-long, and at the end of it, I was given the cliff notes which were highlighted sentence by sentence — in the form of experiences! — which were the cherries on the top of the cake of learning. it was clarifying, slightly ungrounding, transforming, and a lot to digest/process. I’ve never had this happen in my life, not in the format I received it during the final weeks of 2017.

the most exciting thing about the above for me is the fact that anything can happen — at any time. we can constantly write and re-write our script based according to how life is communicating with us. when I say “how life is communicating with us”, I mean that life is always responding to us based on our decisions and integration of things that we need to learn. we might predict our fate, and we might predict our life’s purpose — mostly because those things are indeed fated! — but we can never predict the labyrinth via which we land. if we could, we would not be learning which would mean we would be withheld from our destination points because destination points encompass learning via initiation (lessons, usually hard lessons, or life-long lessons). moving through an initiation period opens up new pathways within a labyrinth which contain new everything (everything meaning the scenery that we see/feel/hear on our way to our fate).

here are a number of things that happened to me / I learned / I learned about myself in 2017 that have allowed me to enter a new paradigm:

*not all that glitters is gold. and I can’t even stress this enough. I feel like I learned it many years ago, but this year it became super solidified for me. just because someone “knows good people” or name-drops or surrounds themselves with people who seem solid, — it don’t mean shit. the same can be said for someone with a buzillion followers on social media. it does not mean shit about who they are or what value they hold. yet so many people can not see through that. now of course, on a base level, I knew this and have always known it. however, I did let supposed “good” reputations and people who people surrounded themselves with cloud or deter my radar detector in picking up on the fact that they were full of shit. I had flags that I dismissed when deciding to hire someone in the outside world because “logically” xyz was thrown at me and emphasized over my intuition. what I also learned is that shit in general can hide behind powerful reputations and influence — I mean, who didn’t learn that in 2017, lol! it is literally everywhere. but on an up close and personal level I learned it, which is different from just watching the news and learning it. I learned that there are many people willing and ready to wear my (or that of anyone of integrity) energy to mask or fill the darkness they carry, darkness that they are not willing to ever give up — because they will keep finding unwitting participants to wear. so yes. the next time you see something glittery, ask your gut — not the news, not the bubble or facade — what it says. and listen ONLY to that.

*the first instinct is the right and final instinct. rarely, if ever, will we be wrong in our assessment of a person or situation at first gut reaction. keep in mind that GUT is not an opinion — it is a sense beyond logic that we dismiss with logic. this is a tough one, since we are so conditioned by ego and logic. which gets us in trouble over and over again until our head is banging against the wall in such pain that our ego can not help but take a back seat to reality or consciousness. our ego loves to trick us and keep us unconscious! this is also how darkness gets and continues to get a feeding. because I am empathic, and I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I have often and still occasionally reject my very first instinct — which is always STRONG. there have been many times, and I’m sure they will continue, when I have expressed my gut instinct to friends or acquaintances and they have countered or challenged my gut or called me crazy. only later to find out how accurate my gut was. in those situations, I occasionally acquiesced and retracted my deduction about a particular person or situation and was afraid that I was being judgemental — turning my intuition into some problem that *I* had, when in reality I had no problem. as has been validated for me and others time and time again, the more disruptive our early life is, the more intuitive or “psychic” we become because we are forced to rely so intensely on those heightened senses to survive. our hypervigilance is rarely paranoia, though to the unconscious person it will sound that way. because I was often around unconscious people who I bounced things off of, I would occasionally rescind my gut instinct or what they deemed my “judgement” only to pay for it later. no more. and really, the solution to this, is simply being willing to be disliked or even hated because we choose to honor our gut when no one else is yet up to speed with the reality and therefore judges US because of what we see because we are precocious.

*boundaries between work and social are not only important, they are crucial. if I had it my way, I would socialize every day with nearly everyone I have ever worked with. if you haven’t read any of my other blog posts where I pedestal the core and heart of people I’ve worked with, I will say it again here that I truly love those I’ve worked with. the issue with blending socializing with work, is that everyone is always going through a process — and if that process is in a really sensitive stage, crossing that boundary between work and social is dangerous to the person I have worked with. I’m not going to fully explain that one here, but I’ve seen it enough times to learn. the last thing I will do is put someone at risk in their process by taking them out of it. spending time with people outside of a boundaried container is not good when they have months or years of processing to do, mostly due to the fact that transference can take place and fuck things up. I know I am not a traditional shrink or even a shrink at all, nor do I ever want to be — but my work mimics such, and I treat amazing shrinks, and I see and understand what happens when we are in a process and we become close with the person who either triggered that process or was a substantial part of it: they can become someone else to us, suddenly. I have had this happen before when helping someone. just look up “therapeutic transference”. the other reason that boundaries are important for me is because if I don’t have them, then I never stop working. I am in the place/space that I am in life because I have learned a lot and know a lot on subjects that people come to me to help them with. the susceptibility for me ending up in a full-time teacher role for free is 100%. and it’s no one’s fault. I don’t want to work 100% of the time though. so, I learned that there ARE ways to enjoy everyone that I have worked with, and I’m working on implementing those ways in broader senses. sometimes I hire people for things. but even that needs a boundary. I learned last year that an unhealed person, in an un-boundaried setting, can unintentionally but very likely confuse with or make me the person that they are trying to heal from and I don’t want that. (this happens all of the time in regular psychotherapy anyhow! when people get/feel super close to their therapist and then freak out on them/blame them — which can also be a very positive and evident sign of healing).

*I have been successful at managing some of the craziest people/disorders to ever grace our planet with unconscious and scary presence. I feel like I can handle anything. I don’t WANT or prefer to, and I will avoid it at all costs. but I learned that there is nothing I can not handle. there is a LOT of mental illness out there, people. I met more than one psychopath in 2017, and I was put in very interesting and challenging situations. when I was little, I (obviously) enjoyed watching documentaries and crime files pertaining to the human mind. I wanted to understand every human motivation or impulse that made a person do crazy shit. I wanted to understand the polar opposite of what I felt in my heart, because what I felt in my heart was pure love for all beings at all times (REGARDLESS of how terribly or unjustly I myself had been treated by others!). in 2017 I came as close as I feel I could ever (or ever want to) get to understanding the polar opposite of love in a human container or soul and what drives it. and the bottom line is this: what lacks light, tries to make up for it by smashing the light it witnesses in others — in any way that it can. in 2017, I learned that the network of individuals I have worked with and the positive resonance that came from that reached very far and wide — into the rooms of “top” NYC therapists I had never met or heard of, and into other spaces I would never guess would be reached. in 2017 I learned that a few of the most unlikely suspects resented my work and saw me as competition, therefore launching their version of an “investigation” into me and my services. I played along, because that is what you do with a crazy person. you never let a crazy person know that you know they are crazy. that is rule #1. I learned again, the opposite of what I had always felt in my heart, which was love and the desire to make others feel good — by way of experiencing others try to smash that out of me. which will never, ever happen. I also could not believe the number of sick “therapists” that reside in NYC. my own therapist has a lot to say about that, lol. but finally, seeing and understanding the crazy in people and their acrobatic tactics to get what they want/need but are not willing to work for (light) is managing it. if we can see it and understand it, we can manage it. that is not something I feel I would have been prepared for 5 years ago, and the final lessons around that came full circle for me in 2017.

*dark/angry people love to hang out in zen spaces and pretend to be or even look light/zen. like yoga studios, meditation centers, spiritual centers etc. basically any space in which a person is trying to better themselves (like psychotherapy, even. a-hem. there are therapists who will literally eat their patients for lunch, keeping them sick for as long as they are seeing them). I always knew this, and have written about some of my early experiences with the “spiritual (lol) community”. but this past year it really occurred to me the number of people, in any capacity or position, who embed themselves in otherwise “light” spaces — only to absorb that which they refuse to work for. I had to let go of some of my regular routine because of this. it’s an important thing to keep in mind if you are seeking spiritual or peace of mind refuge and there are cockroaches invading the space. it might not be obvious at first, but taking note of the fact that these people love to absorb high vibes while containing the opposite could prove very helpful. it affects each of us even when we don’t think/can’t see that it does.

*my autonomy is everything to me. no matter who I partner with on any given project (I have a few in the mix, currently), they must also be autonomous and understand my needs as a sovereign being. like many of us, I have big dreams and desires. but not at the expense of my autonomy. thankfully all of those surrounding me understand that. this also meant that I had to say no to some “big opportunities” in 2017 that would have shredded my autonomy for various reasons.

*don’t know what to do next? don’t do anything. stay in neutral with no new decisions at all. this one doesn’t need much explaining.

*I am enough. my entire life, I have struggled with knowing that I am enough. I still work on it. thankfully the integrity I have for my work and my lack of willingness to surrender my personal power or autonomy keep me in check, because I am not clouded with surface bullshit like many people in the press. that life is hell, by the way — once you sell out, get ready to have to do it all over again (which is worth it, by the way, and not the end of the world) to reclaim yourself.

*fame means absolutely nothing. usually the most miserable people I meet are the most famous. probably mostly because of my latter stated lesson above.

*I will never understand internet trolls. I imagine that most of the internet is full of bots or paid-for commentators, here to “help” us question our reality and truth.

*40 is the new 20. my wish is for everyone to stop buying into the myth that life has to look a certain way before 30 or 40 or 50 or whatever. if you don’t find “your person” by a certain time, then just keep working on yourself. again, an “opportunity” doesn’t mean you need to take it. I had many opportunities in my late 20s and early 30s to lock it down — I could have done the living in a suburb thing with 2 kids already. and I think that is a beautiful life, by the way. it’s just not how I did it yet. maybe I will and maybe I won’t. but my point is that not only are we living longer, we are living BETTER — so really age is just a number. we can wait 10, even 20 years to do things we thought we were “supposed” to do sooner. we can also leave a “decent” situation that doesn’t bring us joy. just because people seem to admire or covet a picture perfect life and you have one, doesn’t mean that you need to settle into it if it feels like a lie to you. there is more time than we realize to do things — and there is NO TIME AT ALL to not do them. yes, that is a paradox and it is real.

*we can not predict the best way for things to happen for us. because we have not made the decisions to prompt the outcome. if we knew the outcome, we would not need the decision — which would mean that we would cease to expand. so I learned to stop trying to predict things for myself across the board (this is also the notion of surrendering control or the need for control, due to fear, which we all have). the power of now by Tolle is a great reminder of how to let go in the present moment.

*people who I thought would never hurt me, hurt me. smashed me over the head, in fact. some were friends, and some were acquaintances who I would run into from time to time and I truly loved, only to find out how they really felt about me. oh well. again, what I learned with this, is to expect the unexpected and surrender to each moment so it can reveal to us what is best for us. basically, I have no control over what others do and say, and truly learning that and integrating it is liberating. nothing is personal. the four agreements by Ruiz is a great reminder of how to not take things personally.

*people will often see your value before you do. this comes with people approaching with “opportunities” and trying to monetize you. the only problem with this comes when you don’t recognize your own value as much as someone else does. I learned to get up to speed, as best I can (therapy! yay) with my own sense of value so that I am not confused by another person or situation and end up in a position where I am angry because of “unfair” circumstances. which will happen no matter what at some point or even often, but far less with the potential for never again when my understanding of my value matches its actual resonance.

I guess the above are most of the lessons that I learned. many of them came to crashing conclusion with big kaboom ending movie credits during the latter part of the year, even the very last month of the year. I’m re-emerging from the awesome meat grinder with no judgement of good or bad, just a clearer perspective of “what is”. everything is cleaner and clearer, even as of the last fiscal week, for me. it looks like a brand new world to me. I think that some of this had to do with the fact that my date of birth is the very final day of the year — each birthday I have brings to me either pure magic, or pure revelation, which to me is the same thing. so the feeling of the close of the year to me is always a palpable cycle. and I am super excited for the blooming time that 2018 is. we have Saturn in Capricorn (my sign! yay.) for the next 2.5 years. read about what that means if you fancy. it’s basically the activation phase of what we have worked for during the last 5 years. so even if I sat on my butt in the middle of a desert and did nothing at all from here on out, probably all of my seeds would grow somewhere anyhow. those seeds are, for me, everything that I have worked a lifetime for and ever felt in my heart or imagination.

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