how to move OUT of victim consciousness when you are, in fact, a victim of a CURRENT circumstance

Healing Elaine®

©Healing Elaine®, photo by Anita Saini

victim consciousness is born from trauma. we experience this in different ways, and at different times. some of us experience it from our very first breath on planet earth (this is the most difficult to ever recover from, and very few do — the ones who do, end up leading others to their ultimate healing path).

when we are traumatized, we are a “victim”. and after that point, unless we do the kind of work necessary around that trauma to reorder the algorithms in our brain chemistry that are keeping the emotional resources separate from the concept of time, we stay in victim mode. when we are tired of being in victim mode, we may either become an addictive rescuer of others, OR, we may become an addictive persecutor of others — simply to perpetuate the trauma from different angles and re-experience it in order to “solve” it. in any case, we will alternate between the three roles in effort to “escape” our situation. the problem with this is, the situation is not happening anymore. unless, of course, it is happening in our MIND because we are “triggered” and we don’t even know it.

I’ve been reading self help books for over twenty years, trying to make sure I’m “right” in the mind. draw your own conclusions as to why, and read the rest of my blog for more detail. I grew up wanting to rescue others, when in fact I needed to (and deep down wanted to) rescue myself. I started as a psychology major at Northeastern University, and two things happened; one, I was so deeply in active trauma (which I buried in socializing and alcohol) that I could barely focus enough to properly attend class and study. two, the boxes and rigid nature of clinical psychology bothered me — because I saw so much more. and, what is most lucky about the fact that I did not dive into “helping” people immediately post college which is an age that any early life trauma that has occurred is STILL occurring because the brain is actually still forming, is that I had a lot of time to sort through my own messes and see what was actually going on…by reliving the trauma versus compartmentalizing it and becoming a “therapist”.

in my 20s I relived my trauma over and over and over again. I predominantly attracted abusive people, addicts, and absolute psychopaths into my life. it all felt totally normal, and I never saw who/what they were until I SAW — which, of course, was always devastating. I had never witnessed a healthy dynamic of any sort in my life, and so I didn’t know where to begin. I didn’t even know what was happening. I was destitute in a variety of ways for much of my 20s (while also finding ways to blow off steam socially), and yet also DRIVEN. just like my early life, I never gave up. I went to Alanon when I couldn’t afford therapy (which was nearly all of the time), and when I did make it to a few therapists, all of them except for two were batshit crazy. the turning point for me, to realize that I was not crazy but that I was continuing to surround myself with very crazy people, came when I met a top therapist on the upper east side. it was only one session, because I begged a “loved one” to pay for it as I felt so close to the edge. I’m not sure what I expected, as I consciously knew I would not be able to ever afford to go back, but I went anyhow. when they say “you get what you pay for”, THIS was the proof in that pudding statement. this man (therapist) heard my story for about 15 minutes, and simply said, “there is nothing wrong with you. you are in a regression of your past”. the way that he looked at me was so clear. it was a look that I was only familiar with when it came to former bosses (I had some wonderful male role models as bosses in my 20s!), and maybe a few teachers. the look said: I see you — you are a wonderful person. I never forgot that therapist (it was the first and last time I saw him), and I took his words as well as his unspoken words to heart. this would be my turning point. and, it is worth noting, that when you are intrinsically sane but you have only known crazy, all it takes is one other intrinsically sane person to help you begin to leave the crazy that you know. this, has shown up in my work repeatedly and it is the most extraordinary aspect of what I do.

I began to recognize my patterns, but I still didn’t understand how they were forming and how my FEELINGS about the trauma that would seem to repeat out of nowhere and “find” me, were connected to my past trauma. I lived in a degree of victim consciousness because of the RELATIONSHIP to the past and present that was active in my mind — in other words, every time that something familiar and traumatic happened in my then present tense life, I experienced the emotion I did as a very young being. I did not know how to separate the two (event versus feeling). this, as well as any other way that we re-create our own trauma, is victim consciousness. and it’s incredible to try to come out of — particularly when we are intelligent.

the first time that I witnessed myself “leave” some of my victim consciousness, was around age 30. I was in contact nearly every day with the CRAZY that had shaped my entire life, and it drove nearly every thread of adrenaline in my body just as it had as a small child. I had done a great job at physically getting away from my trauma, but the reverberation was just incredible. in my particular case, and at that time, I still had the ultimate crazy double-bind persecution coming at me about who I was, how I lived, what I wore, what I looked like, what decisions I made, etc — as an adult. I was brainwashed into thinking (because it was stated over — and over — and over again) that I would “never ever make it on my own” and that I would always need someone to help me. the learned helplessness that I was attemptedly taught, however, only worked to a point. there came a day upon which I didn’t want to learn it anymore. and so, I LET GO. and I mean — LET GO. I decided simply not to listen to the brainwashing that was coming at me as an attempt to hold me prisoner forever. and in not listening, I had to do something else — I had to face the fear that had been PLANTED inside of me at my first breath: that I could not make it on my own. the funny thing is, I am so independent. my intrinsic self KNEW that this washing of my consciousness was a lie, BUT, it was embedded in me. and so, I had to learn how to separate my traumatized FEELINGS that came from past trauma (and were still being iterated daily from sources beyond me) from my then current circumstance. I mentioned I was destitute — this meant that I had run out of means to support myself at that time due to where I was at in my life with career (and of course, incredible PTSD). this, of course, was a consequence of the past — being told since my first breath that I could not make it alone. and then, to boot, being severely punished and persecuted for it. there was no way out. but this time, as I faced housing court in New York City, I decided that it was an omen as well as an opportunity; I decided that if I could make it through this and not die, and I could CHANGE the way I felt about what was happening, I could move mountains. and, I did.

I decided that I would take the feeling of guilt and shame, that was planted inside of me to control me my entire life, and separate it from my current circumstance. I was still confused as to how everything connected together, but I thought, if I can literally GIVE UP this particular aspect of guilt and shame around my CURRENT situation, then I can get clearer on the past — and then I can begin to move forward. I decided that I was not going to feel like a victim. the fact was, at that time, that I was late a number of times on my rent payments. in tandem, the landlord wanted to make more money off of the apartment by moving me out, and started to find ways to get me to court. initially, all I cared about was making the landlord happy because he represented an authority figure to me (my greatest fear). so, I initially signed anything he wanted me to (one of them being a judgement against me — I didn’t even know what I was signing). but then, I realized that I shouldn’t be persecuted simply for being late when I was communicative and honorable. I already knew that many of the things about that apartment building were illegal, not to mention necessary repairs that were often not made at my request, and I decided to fight back. I contacted a prior tenant whom I found in the white pages, and she told me horror stories about the building and the apartment I lived in at that time — which was actually her former apartment. and, she had successfully sued the owner of my building (back in the 90s). she told me that I was being bullied and that they were not legally allowed to do what they were doing to me. so, I took her to court with me. and, I brought the lawyer she used in the 90s to win her case. let’s just say that the problem was solved and I was harassed no more. I wasn’t evicted, we reached an agreement, and I was able to move. now the KEY ingredient here, was my willingness to RISK letting go of the debilitating, traumatizing feeling of absolute helplessness and fear (not to mention incredible fear of speaking up for myself, as the consequences were physically and mentally DIRE for me as a young person) that I had been programmed with my entire life as a way to keep me dependent upon crazy. the door to pass through with this key, was my then current circumstance. and when I turned the key and unlocked the door, I saw how what I was feeling versus what I was actually going through were two different things. I DID have control. I WAS capable. I DID deserve autonomy. I DID deserve safety. I DID deserve a better environment. I had moved the dial in the back of my programmed mind, and some of the outdated programs were thankfully no longer working.

there is a story about an elephant who is chained to a tree at a young age, and then unchained. when he is unchained, he still stays by the tree even though he knows there is no chain. in his unconscious, he believes he is chained to the tree. this is what it feels like to be a victim of trauma, despite KNOWING that the present tense is not the same. and what’s more, is when the present tense resembles or illicits, in any fashion, a feeling from the past — the two timelines just automatically conjoin and get totally muddled and confused. this is the reason that the majority of people walking our planet are in active victim consciousness. they can’t tell the difference between the past and the present. and I understand.

after I was able to “break free” by risking all of the potential “realities” (aka terrifying punishment) that would come from all of the lies that I was told about myself, I experienced an incredible transformation in my life. but, there is always more work to do. there were still unconscious triggers that were just tremendous, and I still had trouble separating them. but then, I reached a new plateau. this plateau came on the heels of repetition of the same patterns (we all complain about not being able to break patterns — well this is the bane of my HE™ work!) to an absolutely ridiculous proportion, at which point in time I had nothing left to do other than ask: what am I not seeing here? what I saw, relates to my last post about evil. I saw that, since I had already done what I was supposed to do in terms of (physically and in all ways) separating myself from the source of my trauma and traumatic conditioning, I had reached the next step because my mind felt safe enough to take it. I saw that all of my current circumstances, whatever they were, existed on the planet for ANYONE to experience — not just me. I saw that they were bad experiences, yes, but that they were available to ANYONE — not just me. I always say this: first we attract where we have come from, and THEN we attract what we ARE — if we have enough courage to transcend where we come from. I looked around and realized that I was no longer confused about my present tense circumstances (for certain, victimizing circumstances) and my early programming for shame, guilt, failure, defeat, dependency, disaster, chaos, and self-blame. and then, came the next step.

once I saw the separation of the timelines that do indeed get crossed whenever we experience trauma, I had the ability to decide how to FEEL about the present tense. I had reached a level at which I could distinguish the past from the present, and I was so excited about that fact. as I looked at my situation — I was the victim of theft, betrayal, censorship (still happening!) — there was simply nothing personal about it. all of the idiots that I had come across exist out there in the world regardless of me. it was just that I had over-identified with those idiots and crazies, because it was all I had known up until a point. the familiarity was the crippling part, but I had moved the mountain that was blocking my view from the fact that IT ALL HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I was just there. I didn’t have to relate the present to the past — with the exception of understanding how I was continuing to experience similar events with the same level of emotion.

when we escape the confusion of trauma timelines, and do not re-create trauma via transference, we are free. free to choose, next, how to feel about xyz. again, this may all make sense logically or consciously, but when the trauma triggers are activated it does NOT distinguish. and it doesn’t matter how smart you are or how old you are or how achieved you are. you can’t beat trauma with intellect or “experience”; you can only beat it by taking risks that feel very scary to the brain, and by being honest with yourself. the few of us who can do those things — even if they take decades — will experience a freedom that very few will ever know.

as current difficult circumstances arise in my life, and they always will because I am, after all, ALIVE, I know that I must always know the difference between the past and the present in order to break a pattern. we receive traumatic patterns for the very PURPOSE of breaking them. again: first we attract where we have been, and then we attract what we are. and to be frank, some people are simply shitty. and so they will have shitty lives. you will witness this by the fact that they refuse to help themselves, refuse proper therapy, and refuse to be honest (that part is hard to discern if you have only known dishonest people, but you can refer to this article of mine for more information). as strange as it seems, some people really DO love to be miserable.

our ability to move out of victim consciousness when we are, in fact, a victim of a current circumstance, is related to our ability to really distinguish and KNOW the past. as I keep saying, most people never get there and they have no idea they are making eternal loops. but if you have done the work, done the therapy, done the self-introspection, then you are either close to being there or you are already there and ready for that next key step. it’s easy to mentally and emotionally re-victimize ourselves when something reminds us of a trauma — such as ongoing psychological and physical abuse, rape, incest, losing a baby, and so forth. but, we don’t have to stay prisoner to what once happened, if we are willing and able to take that leap and see that our CURRENT circumstance is truly a random act from God, asking us to get clear on what is what in order to move on. as with any trauma, betrayal or victimization, I ALWAYS say demand justice (and we can’t demand justice without first getting healthy angry!) — just be sure you know which timeline each feeling resides in, so that you do not waste added energy or time. and when you can empower yourself by getting clear on the past in the way that I describe, the power to deal with the present is INCREDIBLE — after all, you have already transcended the same “thing”, which will never be as hard as it was the first time to transcend.

once we know the difference between the timeline/s of our trauma in relationship to our feelings in the present tense about ANY xyz thing, we are free to choose what definition we give to it.

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wishing pain upon your evil doers is a waste of time – they are already in tons of pain

©Healing Elaine®, photo by Alejandro Padron

wishing pain upon your evil doers is a waste of time – they are already in tons of pain.

the greater the evil deed, the greater the pain coming from (behind) the vehicle carrying the deed. the relationship between the deed itself (this includes the action AND the intention) and the NEED for what you hold inside of you (life force) is totally proportional. this is actually why people kill.

for more on my experience with and explanation for evil, check out my eBooklet 5 as well as this article here. also, read my prerequisite required reading for any Healing Elaine® inquiry which includes Scott Peck’s book called People of the Lie.

an evil person operates from lack, which they seek to match with proportional abundance (life force). when they can not access said abundance, they actually feel their own evil. in this state, they are in pure withdrawal mode – like a heroin addict without their supply. their very existence is based on not feeling their own evil, and so they commit all kinds of atrocities big and small. and like any spectrum, evil is on one.

whilst all things are relative, it is important to note that the greater or more frequent the evil, the greater the pain the person experiences if they do not do something to counter the reality of their evil within themselves. in this way, many or most evil acts are not even personal — even if they feel that way. and the real hook that we don’t want, when we are a target of evil, is the one that leaks even more energy in the direction of the evil doer. do not confuse this with forgetting about or not believing in justice, however. justice (in the form of karma) ALWAYS comes, and it is typically very poetic. I’ll get to that part in a bit.

one way of leaking energy is to take things personally. when we feel this, we drain our energy field and life force. this is because we are tricked into believing that the evil act actually had something to do with us. in believing that it had something to do with us, we blame ourselves, even if only unconsciously. in this way, we are matching the vibration of the evil act, and we are creating more of it’s reverberation. when we blame ourselves, we are also not in our personal power — which we need all of, to conquer evil. it is crucial to understand that every single thing another person does is relative to their actual intrinsic state — evil, or not.

at the end of the day, an evil doer must find more and more and more supply or life force, to counter the lies that they tell themselves (this is where evil is born, by the way). and the fact is, there is a shelf life for all that is not real — for all that is force, not power. power is eternal, and this is what evil seeks to grab — even if for a brief moment, until it can find its next snack. eventually, however, the adrenaline rush that evil first got off of its deeds wears off. this is exactly why evil is akin to addiction — they are one in the same, in my experience with evil and the way that I write about it. like a fiending addict, evil will eventually reach their peak “high”…and the only place to go from there, is down.

in 2015 I wrote about karma and published an eBooklet about it. the eBooklet is based on what I felt coming, in the following year of 2016. and we sure got a lot of it. and, I love it — all that has been hidden, in the name of evil, is being revealed. and we have barely hit the tip of the iceberg. those who have been running the cabals of evil are about to expire – and they are scrambling like cockroaches in the dark. looking for ANY distraction, so that we the people of the planet, do not see what is going on in plain sight. it’s too late. and more will be revealed. the “enemy” that we have been told is the enemy, is not the enemy. the real enemy has been hiding in plain sight. and this enemy is in a lot of pain. this is why it is scrambling for something — anything — to feed itself. but, there is nothing left.

evil isn’t about those of us who are not evil; evil is about evil not feeling its darkness in an environment of light. when we see something for what it is, perhaps for the first time, the physics of that thing actually changes. and I say that our greatest defense AGAINST evil is simple: awareness that it has nothing to do with us. it simply wants to trade places with us, so that it does not have to feel its core.

the next time someone crosses you — hurts you — steals from you — kills someone you love — don’t bother wishing them pain. they are in so much pain, that even their most atrocious acts won’t sustain transcending. your fear, your sadness, your shock, your despair, is the VERY BREATH OF EVIL. so, then let evil die. there is a quote, and I believe it applies here: “Remember, the only taste of success some people have is when they take a bite out of you.” —Zig Ziglar. in this sense, and in effect, an evil doer can never be you — that is the ultimate pain body for them, and iterates the ultimate blessing for you.

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my personal manifestation power was 100X stronger before text messaging existed

©Healing Elaine®, photo by Anita Saini

last year, I went on a detox – a text messaging detox. as a person who recharges ALONE, not off of other people’s energy fields, it felt like it was do-or-die — I HAD to detox from texting.

I don’t text for work. ever. I don’t schedule anything for work via text or messaging of any sort. I’m old school.

before I get into WHY I detoxed and where I stand with it now — as well as all of the WONDERFUL findings that arose from it all — I will note my very first corporate sales training in the early 00s. this particular company did not allow email with ANY potential clients or clients. the only emails allowed were internal. I recall being very intrigued by this rule, and also curious. after all, it was sales. when I landed at the sales training course in Texas, I was shown (really just a reiteration of something that makes SO MUCH SENSE) the power of human contact and connection. in a nutshell, we were shown why phone calls or face-to-face meetings are the only forms of contact that will make or break a proper connection (in that case, a potential client or client). anything else was a waste of time. and it could not have been more true.

aside from the corporate training aspect I describe above, I always knew that direct and thorough is the ONLY way in life. thorough, in the sense that if something has the potential to NOT stick, then that potential will show immediately via face-to-face contact or via a phone call versus a passive, EASY, perhaps not even human correspondence via text or email. it is only after the relationship has been established that it will be supportive to maintain contact in a less direct fashion. and it’s true. with my work in particular, it has to be SO right in terms of person and timing. the connection must be 100% or it’s not happening. even in the wake of talking via phone. typically, a gut level response happens or it doesn’t. the way I approach my work and life across the board is, if it is 99% right then it is 100% WRONG. now, don’t get that confused with saying that we have to be 100% perfect to get something going — no, that is not what I am saying. I am just saying that in the moment of execution, in the moment of preparation, in the moment of discussion, it must not only feel but BE 100%. then, if it fails or goes rogue, it is an experience not a mistake. if we are lined up 100% with our thoughts, feelings, words and actions in any moment, then we are in alignment — and the rest is up to the Universe after that!

the conclusion with the corporate training thingy, it was totally spot on. for example, we saw it was spot on when we tried to violate protocol and book a deal with the CEO’s admin (it NEVER STUCK — because the admin was not the end DM [ in the old days, those initials stood for “decision maker” ] and therefore had zero interest in the bottom line of the company). the same notion would have applied to email. no one cares when the form of communication is that passive. or, they do not care as much. it’s just not worth it unless a relationship has already been established, and even then, I am still not a fan unless circumstances will not allow for a phone call.

I am amazed at the number of people who request or accept my connection on LinkedIn, but do not want to talk on the phone when I suggest we do. it only takes a few minutes to suss out where the mutual bottom line benefit might exist. otherwise, why be “connected”? and so for all of the “sales navigator” tools it offers, people are missing the mark when they could just ask for a phone call and state why they want that phone call. I digress. but it’s something to consider — how non-human we have become because we are so reliant and fantastical about technology.

last year, WAY too many people had access to me because of text messaging. perhaps some people felt the same way about me, too. now, I feel the same way about text as I feel the above email examples — it’s ok after you have already established a relationship with someone. but, for what purposes to use it? I fell into the trap I see nearly everyone in — I used it nearly every time I had a thought, feeling or idea. and I used it with whomever I felt could appreciate it in that moment. since I am a writer, by nature, it was all too easy for me to word-vomit thoughts and even subconscious thoughts that I would NEVER otherwise write had I not been tired, frustrated, etc. so in a sense, this is an addiction not an outlet. an outlet is when there is direct, 1:1 connection or you are using a natural outlet like handwriting for yourself or praying aloud or working out physically. I began to dislike myself at times when I texted, and I definitely disliked how someone — anyone — could just “access” me in a nanosecond because I entered their thoughts. well, I enter a lot of people’s thoughts. and I didn’t like what my BODY and overall physiology felt, every time someone reached out to say “hi” — because most of the time, they were not reaching out to say hi. they were reaching out for a charge. energy. help. energy. energy. ENERGY.

in 2004 I was dating a guy. this is sort of around the time that texting came to be. I had never text messaged a boyfriend before. yes, there were 2-way pagers and phones that texted, but they weren’t the rage or anything close to the rage that they are now. one night, early on in our relationship, he texted me “goodnight” and I was totally taken aback. as in, I found it ODD — because, we had just hung up the phone an hour earlier and already said goodnight. now he’s saying goodnight AGAIN? I didn’t like it. it felt…….addictive. something didn’t feel good about it and now I know why. it’s totally unnatural for anyone to have that kind of access to you morning, noon, night, and ANY TIME they want to access you. in 2006, I was in a new relationship. one night before I went to bed, I hung up the phone after saying — audibly — “goodnight” to this person. as I slept, and about an hour later again, he texted me some more “goodnight” pleasantries. I didn’t see his note until the morning, and I had a weird feeling in my gut that he was uneasy about my lack of response. but, AS IF I were supposed to tell him exactly WHEN I was going to bed? like, the minute before? again — this was early on in the texting game, and alarm bells went off. well, 3 months later, he told me that he cheated on me very early on in the relationship. guess what night it was? THAT night. the night I didn’t say “goodnight” back, via text. LAUGHING OUT LOUD! really. ok, yes, I was right about the addiction part of text. I began to “get it”. and I didn’t like it at all. AND, I became part of it. like nearly everyone else.

throughout the course of that relationship, I texted many things I didn’t mean. I texted many things that I would not normally say, let alone WRITE (even in an email — there is more time to sit with things before hitting “send”). and I disliked it all. when we broke up, I took a big step back from texting. but then it got even worse. there was i-messaging. and photos! oh boy. over the course of the next while, I was less engaged in all things tech and text than most people I knew. I was the last of my friends and acquaintances to join all social platforms that exist today. it all just felt to me…unnatural.

the first time I witnessed “Facebook” was when I had a young teenager living with me to help share the rent in Manhattan. since it was a studio share, there was no privacy. and one day, I saw this girl just STARING at the computer. I couldn’t believe it. what was she doing?? WHAT?? what could possibly warrant HOURS of staring? I discovered, it was something called Facebook. and then I found out what it was. and I felt…WHAT? why would anyone want to peer in on the lives of others? it felt so counter-intuitive to me. it felt invasive and…odd. I didn’t get it. this is where my generational split or gap really comes in handy, I believe, with my career ambitions and place in the world. because what I am writing about is NOT natural. it is a tool, and a tool that we can all fall prey to like anything else that feels “indulging”. since I don’t have addict tendencies, it always felt repulsive to me. even whilst I was engaging on social or via text.

in 2015 I deleted my personal Facebook page and it was like the BEST THING EVER! I decided to use it only as a ghost account to run my business and public pages for my work (there are now 3). I never felt good looking at other people’s lives, and I really didn’t get why a sane person would. after that, I finally joined Instagram in 2016. I briefly used a private account and then deleted that — only to have some business accounts…which follow 0 people. the reason they follow 0 people is multi-fold. first, the work that I do is super sensitive and personal. what if I were to follow some people and accidentally not others, therefore offending some nice young person I once helped who thinks I don’t like them because social said so? no thank you. also, there are trolls left and right who are obsessive — with me, and with others. I don’t get it, but people will literally follow other people’s lists to try and ingratiate themselves in someone’s world (the person they are trying to invade, by attempting to forge “connections” with people they are connected to). I saw the most bizarre, sick behavior from some people, notably obsessed with me or my work for many months, only to disappear and try to take what they perceived as my client list with them. HA! what? the whole thing is just…a huge energy sucker.

last year, as I was going through my biggest personal transformation to date, there were too many people who had access to me. just too many. and, some of them REALLY the wrong kind. the addict kind. addict to people in contact with people allllllll day. the type who can’t sit still. I’m not that type. I CRAVE to sit still. in SILENCE. with NO TECH. I love this. not only that, it’s how I grew up! thank GOD for this, being raised as a child in the 90s. what a gift. the type of gift that lends itself to hearing one’s own thoughts and feelings. and honoring them. good Lord! at any rate, it all became too much last year. I found myself writing too much at the drop of a hat, and I saw how unnatural and frankly, dangerous, it was for me to allow people to just enter my energy field unannounced. I hated it. and, I needed space. I needed space — indefinitely — from anyone plugging into me for a charge. after all, during this transformational phase in my life, I needed my own energy. just mine. I had nothing left to give. and, that has sort of not changed. and I consider this a good thing.

my work phone is a 90s flip phone. I don’t text. people can page it, but that means absolutely nothing and so all pages get deleted. it is glorious to cut to the chase and make actual human connections by asking people to be real humans and read my protocol, then make an actual phone call. those sound like simple things to do, but I am ASTOUNDED as to how many people are SO lazy that they want to connect or book services with people over an electronic device. REALLY? I can not imagine booking a personal service without first HEARING that person. maybe I’m weird. my regular cell phone, due in part to me swearing off text message last year as well as the DISGUSTING censorship issues I was having and am still having, I disabled text messaging (and of COURSE, stupid “Siri” – in case you didn’t know, it’s just a spy tool and you should beware). I let as many people as I could, know, that I was no longer texting and so don’t bother. the thing is, if it is crucial, someone will call you. if it is an addictive behavior, they will text you to satisfy a momentary urge or need. and if they call and your time is valuable as I consider mine, more and more each day, to be, you will simply call them back WHEN YOU HAVE THE TIME AND ENERGY. most people get that. maybe not crazy people, but then cheers to weeding out the crazy.

in place of traditional text messaging, I briefly downloaded an encrypted app called Signal. to this day I still don’t know why I did it, but it was helpful for little things like sending links/news or communicating with someone out of pure necessity. but then again, if we want to send links, how about just use email if it is really that important? and that’s the point — nothing done over text is important. we just say it is, because we live in a constant INSTA state. the generation behind me astounds me, for the most part. I see it, via my Pediatric Energy® work, split into two actually! — which is exciting. half of the kids use it like the plague, and the other half barely use it at all…as in, they check their texts or emails maybe once a day. it’s interesting and that is a whole other topic such as parenting, but there is hope if we can re-program ourselves. as I used Signal for a time as a replacement to text messaging and only with a number of people for emergency purposes, I found myself once again in the same feeling-state as when I was depleted thanks to regular text messaging. and I, once again, hated it. I hated it because I could feel the wonderful difference shutting off my i-message and texting had made, and I wanted MORE of that. and when I say more, the word that comes to mind is: SOVEREIGN. I wanted to feel myself again. ME. and it got me to thinking about something, which is the title of this post.

what did my energy feel like up until the early 00s? separate from and regardless of whatever was going on in my life? how did I work through my problems or concerns differently? how quickly did I transcend them on my own and without the illusion or crutch of other people / technology? and the answer was, I felt GLORIOUS when there was no text messaging. I felt FULL when I could run my day without WORRYING that xyz person will take it personally if I do not get back to them on time. I felt CLEAR when I had just my own energy to contend with, unless *I* otherwise chose. no one was invading my field without knocking first. and I realized recently that everyone has to knock, first. not only will I not be an addicted maniac on Instagram by liking-commenting-DMing nonstop (and I BARELY use twitter unless it is to post updates or things that are really relevant, therefore not engaging with anyone), but I will also not repeat the same behavior by knowing that (by allowing for) at any moment, someone could just APPEAR in my phone. literally at any time of day. I don’t want that anymore. and so I began letting people know (AGAIN) that I don’t text. I began letting the few folks I consider friends or acquaintances or xyzs that I am not using Signal or any other similar app. and I won’t, unless it is an emergency. I won’t reboot or look at the app. and it is because: I WANT MYSELF BACK. all of myself, back. up until the early 00s, I was able to snap my fingers (er, my mind!) and what I was looking for would appear in real-time and in real form. constantly. I want that back. things are taking too long — because they are moving too fast in other domains (tech).

every time someone connects to you, they are in your energy field. they are in your consciousness. they are taking something, consciously or unconsciously, whether it is obvious or not. anything valuable or worthwhile can come with a heads up — like, a phone call. the rest is just basically a playground for people to work their emotions, addictions or feelings out on another person. I don’t want to be that person in either role. young people (I guess, under 35?) don’t get this. this is because they were literally raised by the internet. and tech. and text. and INSTANT EVERYTHING. what a horrible notion, if one can not step back and truly create their own self-sustaining energy. I see so many people confused about what is theirs and what is not theirs — because they are codependent. addict or not, instant everything slash text and social has turned regular folks with addictive predispositions into fractions of human beings, and it has turned whole human beings with little or no predisposition for addiction into fractions of themselves. I don’t ever want to be a fraction of myself again. I need myself to manifest my next steps and dreams…

I got to thinking, as I have been text free and insta-anything message-wise free for a bit now, that it not only feels AMAZING, but it reminds me of what I used to be able to do without everyone sticking their energy aka karma INTO my field. I used to be able to think, breathe, snap my fingers, and manifest my next steps. when I came to the city and was still working in corporate in 2005, I was not bogged down by text and there was thankfully no social, and I was able to work wonders for myself! when I landed in 2005, I knew that I had a small window to conquer my next “path” (one that would intertwine with all that I am doing today) before moving on to the next path. since I was in my 20s, I knew that just like having children, there was a window for what I was about to do next — and what I was about to do next was considered very hard. that was, get myself on a TV show. set myself up for my future with the public. in just one fiscal year after moving to the city, and leaving corporate for good in the way that I was working FOR “the man”, I began to work regularly in TV and Film — enough to pay my rent. and just one and a half years after that, I landed a guest starring role on the only show I wanted to be on at that time. you might ask, “how”?

my answer to “how” is not going to sound typical, perhaps. but this is my “how”, and it still is. and it is the reason for this article, as I consider the many other things I want in life and how I have to totally unplug in order to get them. my “how” was spending all of my time with mySELF. my inner self. yes, I did the actual leg work — I got photos done, I submitted for jobs, I did my mass (snail mail) mailings, and I attended workshops with casting directors. but the real work, as far as I was concerned and am still concerned, came from BEING. being with myself. while hustling bit jobs (I did a lot of photo double work and stand-in work on TV shows, commercials and Films with all of the biggest stars), and working as many odd jobs on top of that as possible and renting out my tiny studio “living room”, I spent time at the river. alone. no texting. no relationships. no DISTRACTIONS. it was AMAZING. I went to my Alanon support meetings back then because I couldn’t afford therapy. I wrote. I spent time with my animal. and, the most important part of all…every morning, I sat with my cheap cup of coffee from the bodega across the street and got PRESENT. the coffee was not great. the pots were old and crusty. the cups were waxy and the wax would come off and make its way into my coffee. it tasted stale. it was 75 cents a cup. AND I LOVED IT. I would find this bench on the upper east side where I lived, and just SIT WITH THAT COFFEE. and I would hear myself. feel myself. I told myself that although I felt lazy not “doing” something (I am a Capricorn!), that this period of not “doing” something was worth more manifestation-wise than ANY action I could take. I got in touch with God (I don’t mean religion). I simply did what I always did when I wanted something “extra” in life — I listened to my core. it amazes me how many people can’t do it. or don’t want to. or, it just hasn’t occurred to, to do.

as I reflect upon those coffee mornings, which came on the heels of my big break just a couple years into the entertainment game, I see what I’ve always seen for myself: my ability to manifest by recharging alone. recharging with ME. gathering ME. not spreading myself and my energy all over the place. I manifested by being TOTALLY SOVEREIGN.

I need and require that time again, NOW. this is what the last couple of years have been teaching me. by nature, because of what I do, I actually enter the OPPOSITE space when I work with someone. and so, it’s like having ALL of someone else in my energy field. I sign up for it. I like it — because I know where I start and stop (I always have), and can really help people in a certain way. but I have to be very careful with my outside life, A) to be effective in my work with someone and B) to draw MORE work IN. my work with people is not ongoing — and perhaps there is another reason for it, other than the one I decided. the one I decided is so that someone does not develop a crutch — so that they learn what their own energy is and how they can’t just be “gifted” a remedy. they can make use of the lending energy and information that they are being given, but they have to learn self-reliance. or else they don’t heal. many people can’t heal because they are too codependent energetically. this is like being a full-time addict. the other reason, for my work not being ongoing, is that due to the nature of it I would never otherwise have a SELF. and the same can be said for socializing. before the early and mid 00s, I felt like I was more accessible to mySELF. after the text and insta-everything crazy, I have felt less accessible to myself. and I don’t like it. and I had to make the executive decision to reinstate my favorite mantra by Dr. Seuss: “those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”. in a nutshell, real friends, people who know you, don’t ever question your “accessibility” or lack thereof. my best relationships are those in which I could message someone 5x (in the past, of course!) and not hear boo back at all, or for a month, and I didn’t care. and vice versa. when someone cares, this is where it is a disease. an addiction. the ultimate codependency in action. THE ULTIMATE DRAIN.

don’t text me. don’t message me for a quick hit. I won’t receive it anyhow. if you really need me, I have a work line listed. call me. and if you are calling me for help, schedule and pay for a session. I am not a permanent, imminent, eternal open help-line for anyone who needs something from me. if you are a friend, I don’t even have to iterate any of this. and if you are a client or hopeful client, then hopefully you have read and understand my protocol — which repeatedly states how I work, and why. it’s fool-proof…for a reason.

when we really want to connect with someone and they aren’t available, any sense of “loss” over that is not loss — it is addiction. we are a nation of addicts, thanks in large part to tech. take a step back. this article isn’t about making suggestions though, it’s just a share about what works for me, my own mistakes, and my own re/focus. if it resonates, then great!

as I continue to dive deep retroactively, into another time and space PRE-text, I see how QUICKLY I was able to manifest things. although I can not compare apples to oranges, for it was a different time, I can say that I am retrieving what I once had: 100% of my essence — at least, in the sense that I am describing it here. other things like unconscious trauma and ptsd and the past and all of that are totally separate notions and nuanced subjects. but for this message, here, it is worth noting how my personal manifestation power was 100X stronger before text messaging existed.

every time I go within and do an uncording, and for the purpose of this article let’s consider it a permanent or semi-permanent uncording with the idea of text messaging noted, my life changes. I can’t change my life while taking others with me — and being accessible, morning noon and night is taking others with me. I’ve noticed the drastic difference in my mood, my overall energy levels, and my…manifestation…the more that I am sovereign. when we recharge alone (it is worth noting, that in order to do this, we actually have to know who we ARE…and not be an active addict of ANY sort), we are at our most personally and naturally powerful. we can see our potential — versus the potential that we are either giving away to others, or confusing our karma / manifestation with someone else’s. things speed up when we re-focus. and the best way for me to do that is the way that it always worked for me, like in the old days — even before there were cell phones! and that way is by having all of what belongs to ME, accessible to ME. not dozens or even a few people.

I say it with all of the love in my heart: don’t text me. I promise, that you will see why, during this next while. I’m building something.

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“it’s too good to be true – it must be a trick”

©Healing Elaine®, photo by Anita Saini

each of us has a particular area of our life in which we experience such consistent adversity (this could be health, work, romance, social or otherwise) that for us to imagine being on the “other side” of it almost feels too good to be true. and, when the possibility of a different reality than we are used to (a different reality would be a good reality) presents, we may run away from it initially. or, we may run away from it forever if we have not done the inner work to confront ourselves. we always run from that which resides super close to home — and all thought forms and patterns are extremely close to home. it’s why people can spend 40 years in therapy and get nowhere — the mind will hide from itself at all costs.

I’ve gone over and over and over — in my many other articles and books — how the mind and energetic body work in tandem to prevent a new thought form from forming. and while I will reiterate some of that in this post, some of what will be new is an anecdote or two which may be helpful or relatable.

in the early 00s, I met a young man who, archetypally, was my perfect match. I remember calling my closest people and telling them that I had met my husband. and I believe, to this day, that had certain shadows of self been confronted by him, that we would be a unit. but to quickly digress here, I understand and know that it was not fated/destined. fate and destiny are never, ever destroyed. on the way there though, lots of things get destroyed and for good reason — to teach us. at any rate, one might say that our initial encounter was seemingly fated. we actually met before we met in person (no, it wasn’t online dating) — as in I knew who he was and kept seeing his picture — and when we met in person by chance, we spoke for many hours nearly without breath. the romance was glorious, fast and furious. if there were ever to be a knowing within me, that was the knowing. I recall as we spent nearly a full week together without leaving the house, something he said to me that would stick with me forever though mostly in the back of my mind. as I was giggling away one afternoon he just stared at me. and then he said “I can see why someone would never let you go, and also why someone would be so afraid to be your boyfriend”. at the time, I really didn’t get it. as fate would have it, he broke my heart as I found out that we met while he was actually in another relationship in another city but for some crazy reason he thought he would get sucked into the vortex that was me. and I knew that my number one requirement in any relationship was trust so that no matter how intensely I felt for him, that “we” could never ever exist again on this human plane. but it was his words on that one afternoon that kept moving through me for years to come.

his father was a notorious womanizer and drug Lord. although the young man was and is, I believe, fundamentally different, the marks and patterning that were all around him and therefore WITHIN him during his most formative years and well, prevalent in his / perceived survival from his first breath, were no match for his intrinsic self. his intrinsic self took a backseat to his beliefs and, as I predicted exactly at the time of my heartbreak, HE NEVER CHANGED THEM. the difficulty for me, which is something that I cover in many sessions, was seeing his potential. and let me be real. I believe in reality not potential. but…I see potential. perhaps as strongly or more so than anyone who has ever walked this planet. it’s the bane of my work and how so many “overnight turnarounds” happen. they happen because I see potential. and they happen because I can discern potential from reality a mile away — and also teach it. so something really fortunate occurred for me at a young age. I knew what choices someone would make for the rest of their life. and I knew that no matter how perfect this young man could POTENTIALLY be, that he would never be it because of that one choice he made when fate decided to give us an experience. one of the ways that I realize now in retrospect that I was being communicated with resided within his comment that never left me and only got louder over time.

his comment was stacked with information about how he saw the world. in all of our mutual glory as we coexisted in our 3-4 month whirlwind out of this world romance and intellectual explosion, he was telling me that he could not take a risk to experience his potential. he was telling me that he was just like his father. he was telling me how scary it would have been to live another reality. and while I may not have deciphered that via “the comment”, I certainly deciphered it based on the simple truths and hard-to-digest actions on his part. but let me go to the in retrospect understanding of “the comment”.

after treating thousands of individuals at their deepest core resonances, one thing I know is that to change one’s reality is really one in a few million. as in, it’s so scary to the mind to accept new realities after it has been conditioned (for better or for worse — but inflexible conditioning is ALWAYS THE WORST and we see this all around us societally now) that almost no one is able to do it. there is a reason that, for example, extremely “intelligent” people return time and time and time again to abuse — in more ways than one. it’s not that they aren’t smart, and in many cases it’s because they are smart. so my experience, in aiding someone else to literally have a new experience that may seem “too good to be true” is the entire enchilada. and I know what makes people able and not able to do it. and so after all of these years of doing the work that I do, I think about comments like that of one of my loves of my life. comments that years later reveal so much more than what they revealed at the time they were said.

at the time of the end of this particular relationship — which ended because I was shocked to find an ugly truth and so I ended it — I grappled with “why”. that’s where heartbreak comes from, right? it’s the “why” that plagues us. this relationship certainly plagued me with wondering “why”, when everything aside from the ugly truth (which by the way also IS EVERYTHING) was so…perfect. what a waste, I thought. and what a disappointment, I felt, because no matter what this person said or did (and they said and did a lot — as of just a few years ago they were contacting me!), that ship had sailed. and when it sailed, I had some choice words for this person. I still have those words. they spelled out exactly what this person would do in the category of relationships for the rest of their life. and they did exactly that. prophetic? nah, I was just seeing truth. like I always do. for me, it was natural. I saw where things would go and how separate from my life this person’s issues were. I never questioned for a moment whether I was right or not, because it extended beyond believing. it’s why I didn’t try and get married in my 20s – the right person wasn’t there yet. I understood that listening to God’s (I’m not talking religion) plan is more important than my own plan, and that because I am in tune (aka honest) with myself, I will know when my ship comes in. I knew that this particular ship had sailed and for good reason. I just didn’t know why…

I hurt over that relationship for many years. it would be a decade before I would come close to that level of “match”. I tried so hard to reconcile the “why”, and I was grateful that I didn’t allow biology to drag me through a divorce in order to satisfy my need to know “why”. and in time, through the grace and experience with Healing Elaine® work, I began to hear his comment differently.

his comment, paired with his actions, were everything. as I revisited our time and place together, it was like watching an old movie again but for the first time. replaying that moment in my mind and heart, I “heard” him through that comment. he was saying so loudly to me, “I’m scared. I will always be scared. I talk more than I walk. I can’t be your partner I don’t know how. I am afraid of you because you represent goodness. I see our potential and I can’t change my unconscious patterning because it is so ingrained. my entire identity is wrapped up in that of my father, whom I admire. my mother will always take care of me. I can take care of women. but I can’t. I just don’t believe in my own intrinsic self. you are goodness. you are too good for me. I am not goodness, at least not in the way that I say I am. I am telling you who I am so that you don’t marry me and regret the next twenty years of your life. I’m telling you who I am right now. I don’t believe I can change. and I don’t believe this because you scare me. what is good for me scares me and it always will”. I began to hear the real dialogue, so many years later, after I had begun to understand my own self worth and value. when people say “it’s not you it’s me” in a sense or so, they are usually telling you the truth. my love interest didn’t say that exactly, but he did in more cryptic terms. as they say, people tell you who they are all of the time if you are really listening. part of me was listening that day, thankfully. and the rest of me that could hear my own value in new ways years later, listened and listens.

when a new reality that opposes the past but yet MATCHES us on an intrinsic level presents itself to us, we run. again — although we are supposedly all wired with the ability to change patterns, so few of us do. and yes there are reasons for that which are an entirely different blog post. and in this case, despite the incredible and actual potential of this person I was with, I saw the soul’s lazy choice not to level up and match their potential. and, to a degree, I understood this — because I suffered from that as well, just more so in other categories of my life. for some reason, and most peculiarly, I was always able to let go and fully experience all joy that there was to experience in a romantic partnership (assuming that, in that partnership, there was in fact joy! I chose more than one that was totally…joyless). this rendezvous was no different. I enjoyed experiencing every part of myself in it. it was in other or perhaps simply more nuanced areas of my life, that I struggled with embracing something “new”. something too good to be true.

for example when I left my childhood city and home I was terrified of good things and I was terrified of succeeding. like, AT ALL. that would have meant I was sovereign or entitled to myself on some level, which I had NEVER felt before and worked years to understand and achieve. so, I “got” where this young man who made the comment was coming from, to a degree. and now I understand more full-circle my ability to peg someone’s (usually anyone’s) free will decision to change or not versus live in “hope” or delusion. on a strictly energetic level back then, I knew and it’s why I wrote it down. I just finally came full circle with how I knew — as it was paired with experience via HE™ as well as my own fate and destiny. the “why” of that event was something I was able to heal, and also something that fascinated me in terms of karma and destiny since this young man was one of the most incredible people I had ever met — at least, the potential that he truly walked with was (do not confuse actual potential with psychic potential – big difference and you can reference my eBooklet 2 for more on that notion).

as the scope of limitless potentials and domains would have it, I came across another version of this young man exactly eleven years later (and within a week of meeting this young man, young man number one had reached out to reconnect — uncanny). he was the same age as myself and my prior love interest, in the early 00s. he had the same birthmark on his face as this man. he had the same haircut as this man. he was exactly the same height. their voices sounded the same. they started the same occupations/trades fresh out of college. and, young man number two had ALL of the same characteristics as the first man intellectually, spiritually, and otherwise. varying only slightly was his trauma and committed-to patterning that would hold him back (forever). and it was the same sort of meeting/coming together. I met this person in the light of day and he looked at me like he knew me forever. the first words out of his mouth in my direction were that he knew what I did for work. he could literally “see” me. we talked for like five or six straight hours following that very first encounter. and the next night we talked for about eight, again in person. I held back from diving into the dreamland that I dove into with Romeo from the early 00s, because something told me to. and by our third date, I knew why. as we sat in a historic bar and sipped on Manhattans, he got that look over his face that I had seen only once before. he looked…vulnerable. raw. open. and then he said it: “I’m afraid that this is a trick”. he was holding my hand like he was holding onto dear life. our conversation and connection not only mimicked that of my early 00s experience, but it actually went even deeper. after all, it was a different time. even if he was twelve years younger than me. I was back with that other experience, and this time I heard what he was saying loud and clear. he was saying “I have trauma that I am afraid of. you represent the opposite of that trauma. I am too scared, particularly due to our connection, to stay with you. I will hurt you. maybe not today, but soon. don’t get too close to me. I can’t be who I am supposed to be in this life. I want to be but I just won’t.” and while I didn’t run away at that moment, I proceeded super super slow and with caution. I didn’t want to give any of myself away because within me I just “knew” better. I HEARD him. I heard him in a way that my intellect was eclipsed a little over ten years prior. then I heard the first comment and the young man who made it, again. “thank you”, I thought. but, as I was the first time, I became incredibly confused. I was confused because I wasn’t certain of his trauma, and what refused his mind from changing to a new reality.

everything about embracing a new reality is life or death to the physical human system. it just is. and when we have been violated, it’s nearly impossible. BUT. it does happen. if we are honest, and if we are courageous. otherwise no way and we repeat the same patterns forever. the younger we are, the easier it is to change. many of us never do. like the young man from the early 00s, and like the one I met ten-plus years later. the second young man hurt as much, but differently, than the first young man. perhaps it was mixed up with the first hurt and that was why. or perhaps it was because there was much more depth to the trauma of the second young man, and something even my own mind didn’t want to consider or process — for him, or for myself and  my own life betrayals on the most foundational of levels. either way, I listened this time. I observed and I tried to be just friends with this young man. but I couldn’t do it, it was too painful. I told myself that I would do exposure therapy on myself with him because I needed to figure out what it was that was so triggering and difficult. I did my best. but all I saw was the unused potential. it burned like a stake in my heart. I didn’t want to keep doing the exposure therapy, and most of all I didn’t want to expose myself to wasted potential. and that is what he was. and I vowed to wait again, until my heart sang in that very way as it did with him and the young man from the early 00s before I pulled the romance trigger. I knew that testing fate was wrong, and I knew that I was being tested to develop faith. something we so so lack as individuals and as a collective.

developing faith has always been my best navigation tool and it has come with heaps of rewards. faith is perhaps the only cure for not allowing our reality to shift due to our algorithmic programming. but faith is not laying out in instruction manuals all over creation. faith is specific. both of the men I met lacked faith. and so they lacked a whole bunch else. faith is the first step to not being a controlling person, controlled by the unconscious. and I saw how faith presented me new realities that the people I had loved so, so much, missed out on.

my therapist recently referred to a cliff that one had no choice but to walk off of. and when they did, they found a walkway. that is what I feel faith is. I always took the leaps of faith, but it scared me to death. in my mind and heart, nothing could ever be as bad as it once was for me, when I literally did have no control over my life because my life was on the line if I were to consider being sovereign. perhaps that level of adversity is what was required to take a back seat to faith. when we walk off the cliff, we have not jumped — we have finally walked without expecting to jump/fall. this is where faith and a NEW REALITY intersect.

when faith and a new reality intersect, we do not talk about being afraid anymore. all of the fear has been pitted away in tragedy and disappointment. how lucky might we be, to experience such specific patterning to the degree that there is no fear left in that domain of our life? again — health, personal, and so on in terms of patterning. at the end of the day, our external and physical life is always an extension of our deepest core beliefs and patterning. and when a new reality presents, the notion of “this must be a trick” is a subtle feeling, but not an over thought or comment.

this is a step beyond “making it out of trauma”. or, it is a step beyond what is our current reality and then we process the trauma later because the profound paranoia or fear of it being a trick is not triggered. either way, the idea that it is too good to be true is there but it is subtle. quiet. like a one hit wonder song that plays quietly in the background. when it is subtle but it does not get in the way, it is no longer a fear. it is a new reality for us, waiting in the wings. I suppose that each of the young men that I talk about here were not close to their new realities and I don’t see either of them ever being so. it’s not much of an opinion of mine, but rather an intuition. I had so wished for them, to have their new realities: trust, love, and full experience of themselves on all levels.

recently I found myself on the other side of “this must be a trick” thinking, in one domain of my life. I realized how much this area of my life had in common with the young men as far as their romantic life was concerned. there was a period of time in which “this must be a trick” came up for me repeatedly, and held me back. and I vowed to never be held back in the way that I saw those young men reject their potential. because at the end of the day, it was all the same thing. we were each and all doing the same thing but just in different ways. and when I made it to the other side of “this must be a trick”, there was the subtle thought but zero fear. and I mean, zero. I spoke differently about what was once a fear, aka old reality. and that is how I knew it had changed, that my new reality was here, and that it was not a trick.

jumping realities aka profoundly healing the unconscious is so rare. it’s why we are so politically divided at the moment. we are addicted to “what we know to be true”. it’s so amusing and also exhausting for me to watch. but we are heading into a new territory via time and space which supports and also commands in a new reality, so it will be interesting to see who progresses and who regresses because the oil and water is for sure.

“it’s too good to be true – it must be a trick” feeling and speaking…pay attention to what people say. it has so much information. and if you can not understand it at the time, wait…the answers will surely come as you connect more to your own truth. and in doing so, you will know who is afraid — who is in another reality — and who is not. most importantly, you.

 

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