7 Reasons why people ghost

At some point, we’ve all done it or had it done to us. Sometimes, it’s is the ONLY way. Other times, it is a…funny way.

This is a topic that comes up in most of my sessions, and an experience that has presented in my life in interesting ways – on both sides of the equation.

In no particular order, and with some personal references (obvi!), I will list the reasons why.

1. You are a psychopath or sociopath. This one doesn’t need much explaining; well, not to a sane person. A psychopath is a person with some serious problems which may or may not emerge into your consciousness right away. There are so many kinds of psychopaths and sociopaths, and they say that a fair percentage of our population is inclusive of them without us even knowing who they are. Psycho/socio behavior (and yes – I do know the differences between the two but that’s not the point of this article) can typically be spotted as chronic rule-breaking, no filter, blasphemous gossip, trouble with the law, pathological lying (this can take a WHILE to recognize), extreme manipulation, stealing, substance abuse, and very risky behavior. A crazy person aka psychopath or sociopath in this context, is unhinged – but you may figure this out only after engaging with them for a lengthy period of time (if at all). This has happened to me on a NUMBER of occasions; for, in fact, these folks REALLY LIKE ME. A psycho/socio always has high degrees of narcissism and so, everyone around them is A REFLECTION OF THEM. When you like yourself, you shine, you have achieved something, you are attractive or whatever other xyz aspect that the crazy person can relate to “as their own”, they are like bees to your honey – until you figure them out. Everything that they see must either match their false perception of self (greatness, confidence, etc), or else they bail. They are the ultimate users – always making you pay for things or inviting you places and expecting you to foot the bill (sometimes for both of you!), dropping your name to create a larger network, using you as a prop around others who cross paths with you when with them, extracting favors to further their career, ETC. The fact is, you are nothing but a number to these people – another prop in their insane plot of life to further their ambitions. In time, MOST psycho/socios are found out – if they are not one of the “greats” (I’ll spare you the long list of public figures of this ilk). And when they are found out, the people who do the finding out bail – at least that is EXACTLY WHAT THEY SHOULD DO. I’ve done it every time I see the forest for the trees.

Once upon a time I met a popular doctor. In short, they invited me into their “practice” to collaborate with them. Something felt off, but I was young and dismissed it to investigate further. One day, something told me “do not ever see this person again” – and so I left all of my stuff at the office and never looked back. After a few threatening messages I went to the police – sure enough, they had A LONG RAP SHEET. They were a career criminal – a history of stealing, federal crimes, evading authorities, YOU NAME IT. Arrested on pharma drug ring charges, etc etc. I didn’t need proof of what my gut told me, and this was even in the face of other CREDIBLE (but stupid, or ignorant or naive) people – doctors even – who were great friends with this person. They USED credible people around them as shields – as ALL PSYCHOS/SOCIOS DO. When you do not listen to your gut, be careful – these people will wreck more than your time and energy; they are massive liabilities and they will ruin your career, too.

If you are the above, you’ll never admit it so this article isn’t for you! If you are on or have ever been on the receiving end of the above, this article is for you! You might be “extremely intelligent” (good luck with that – you are the perfect egotistical target for one of these crazy creatures), but sense something that you “can’t put your finger on”… You might see people around this person acting funny toward them. They will NO DOUBT tell tall, seemingly sincere tales about broken friendships/relationships with people who “wronged them” and they will sound believable. A truly skilled psycho/socio is a master at collecting different puzzle pieces and putting them together to paint a picture. With 10% truth there are 90% lies mixed in – but they make it believable. These people need to be ghosted. Always. They can not be reasoned with or trusted, EVER. They are mentally damaged. If you have mental illness in your family or you were raised by a psychotic caretaker you are at heightened risk for drawing in these characters. Do not be fooled by their “credentials” – sooner or later, whatever organization they work for will drop them as well – unless, of course, they are one of the greats. You will know they are NOT one of the greats if: they are emotionally unstable / in active addictions / have trouble with the law before they are 30 / have stories about people who did them wrong. The greats don’t share those attributes – and you will NEVER see it coming before it is too late. How to spot a great IS ANOTHER ARTICLE.

2. They aren’t interested in you. I know this one is hard, but we have all been there. I admit that I’ve been on the giving end of this equation, too. Someone texts you, you have your sights on other things / people, and there isn’t enough room for them. If someone doesn’t have enough room for you, maybe you don’t have anything to offer them (at this time). It’s ok. Get over it. Deal with it. There is nothing wrong with this fact. I’ve been on the receiving end of this and IT IS FINE…

When the book The Four Agreements came out, a much older person gave me the book and remarked that they thought I did pretty well with Agreement Two: don’t take things personally. And, they would be right! I’ve always seen the actions and reactions of others as multi-fold; it’s never about me or just about me. It may not be ideal at times to accept this, but if you consider your intrinsic value and the fact that you are a work in progress then how can you lose? In this sense, two things could be true; one, you offer this person nothing – but they are successful and amazing so how is that an insult? two, this person offers YOU nothing and they know it (even if you don’t). There is nothing offensive about that either! See, problem solved…

When someone is not interested in us or vice versa, and I mean GENUINELY SO (as in, there is no deflection / running / avoidance of thoughts or feelings that would actually best be INTEGRATED by knowing another person), there is no mutual benefit at this time. God is giving you the opportunity to understand this, and for most of us it’s a huge undertaking to understand. People have different priorities. When you let go, you see WHY…but only after you let go…

It is dangerous to want someone or something who / that doesn’t want you. You are working against physics in this sense. It is ALSO important to know if you are a SELF-ABANDONER…meaning, perhaps this person DOES want to include you in their life but you are sabotaging – that’s another article / topic, but highly worth considering. It’s safe to say, that if a person simply stops responding to you, THEY ARE NOT INTERESTED. This is also different from a long-term FRIENDSHIP in which people are comfortable enough — ON BOTH SIDES — to ignore one another lol. I actually have this dynamic with like ONE DOZEN PEOPLE…

For example, when I was working non-stop — and even often times now as my life is radically shifting — I’d “ignore” correspondence from close friends for months. They’d do the same. NEVER once did anyone take it personally. We reconnected when…we reconnected. We were each going through different shifts and changes that required us to not be in contact, even though the desire was likely there on both sides (just one side more than the other at times). When we reconnected, it was as though no time had passed. I’ve actually gone through this for YEARS with some friends – as in, not spoken for YEARS…and no time had seemed to pass at all! With all this said, it is so important to know your dynamic with a person and trust it. It indeed may not be that someone is not permanently interested in hearing from you, but rather temporarily – and IT IS NOT PERSONAL. I LOVE and adore people I ignore – the energy or dynamic or whatever they are dealing with at said time is just not a fit into my matrix when they reach out or vice versa. You will only be comfortable with this dynamic if there is a deep knowing of that person’s soul, and your mutual connection. You must trust this and either way, let go so you can recalibrate at the perfect time.

3. They have mental health issues. Now, this one is a HARD ONE. I’m also going to put mental health issues and addiction under the same umbrella here, but speak to each individually.

Mental health issues present most often in romantic dynamics. Person A ignites thoughts or feelings within Person B which Person B simply can not handle. I’ve never been Person B, but I HAVE BEEN PERSON A.

There was a young man who was in love with me from middle school onward. He followed me to college after finding out where I got in. Or, maybe it was just “coincidence” but I doubt it. When we were younger, I noticed his extreme ability / tendency to “shut on and off” – meaning he would shut down on a WHIM…very bizarrely. As a young teenager, I knew THIS WAS NOT ABOUT ME. Since I was surrounded with crazies, I was somehow able to interpret his demons. I never thought they would change, but when someone works you over for A DECADE you become hopeful as their best behavior presents in order to catch you.

The thing with a person who doesn’t want you as soon as you want them, is that they will spend an incredible amount of time focused on you WHEN YOU DO NOT WANT to be in a relationship with them. Because, in that position, YOU ARE SAFE. You are at a safe distance – emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. Physical contact will often send them into a psychosis or spiral, and I’ll get to that part in a bit. This young man pursued me chronically as I was in a longterm relationship — because I was “safe” for him. One time, I was on a break in this relationship and we made out. When I explained that it was just a break and I was confused and wanted to try and make it work with the other person, he shut me out for TWO YEARS. As in, we would see each other at gatherings and he would ignore me like a ghost lol. This was bizarre, and reminiscent of early teenage behavior I’d witnessed with him. I sort of just eye-rolled it and knew he would flick back out of transference soon enough when his brain got the signal it was “time”. Sure enough, it flicked back. And a couple years after my breakup with the longterm boyfriend, this young man was by my side as my best friend. We spent so much time together; but I didn’t want to date. Again, this created a “safe zone” for him because I was on the “other side” of the street. He could cross it, but knew he wouldn’t run the risk (at that time)…for it could involve me also crossing into HIS lane…and his thought that he’d “lose control” in my doing so. This border stuff is real psychosis by the way; it could be in the context of a borderline, a bipolar, or a schizophrenic. In any case…

One day he begged me — and I mean begged with his heart and soul — to give dating a chance. A TINY BUT LOUD VOICE WITHIN ME said “This is a bad idea. He will lose control”…but I went ahead anyhow. Not five months or so in, and sure enough lose control he would. I had made some life changes that he didn’t feel he could control, and his life had some changes he didn’t feel he could control. The key word here is CONTROL. Control – to an extreme – is always a red flag when considering someone’s stability. I flashed back to many of the signs I had as a CHILD with this person and reflected upon the list of RIGIDITY that came with him. He could not cross the border. Nothing beyond his perceived context of controlled reality was allowed to enter — and if it did, he would SHUT DOWN. I wrote, in part, about this experience here and what caused it – at least in his case. The bottom line is, intimacy is WAY TOO FRIGHTENING for some people – particularly those who present with serious control issues, no matter how open-minded they seem. This young man would ultimately, after being hospitalized (from the outside you would NEVER GUESS him to be a candidate for mental illness; not unless you grew up around it and even then maybe not), completely shut me out. I felt…so tricked. Dude pursues me since we are 11, begs me for a relationship and then falls apart months in. Awful.

It took me more than a decade to begin to even scratch the surface of the above event, and it ended up being an incredible gift to begin healing my understanding of what it meant to grow up around insane people. I had always taken things in that context to heart, and it damaged part of my core; I felt damaged because the people around me not only were, but insisted that I was the cause. As I reflected upon the on-and-off-switch love affair with a man who switched off FOR NO REASON AT ALL other than life wasn’t happening exactly as he thought he could control it to be, I began to understand mental illness. The bottom line is that people can not handle what their brains have not trained them to handle. And you don’t know why that is.

The signs of mental illness are not always obvious – and the man above would NOT be the last one I experienced this with. There was one other. The hard part is that aside from their suffering, THEY WERE GREAT PEOPLE. And they loved me deeply. And vice versa. They so wanted intimacy – but they couldn’t have it. It made them feel out of control. The love I felt was real and for me, there was no border…I didn’t need one. I could love freely and without the kind of fear that ravaged their souls. SO. One reason a person might ghost you is they are suffering in ways I describe above. You would only pick up on this if you can relate to what I am saying here and have had previous experiences with mental illness and people close to you.

Addiction is another, more obvious reason why a person might ghost you. Now, addiction IS OFTEN CO-MORBID with mental illness, so remember that. Addiction in general, though, is unpredictable; their behaviors are totally inconsistent. Or, they seem “checked out” and not present – because they are checked out and not present. The most obvious signs here are those who throw back drinks like a champ, pill-pop (you won’t know about this, usually), and act completely without a filter – they defy social norms but not because they are “different” (careful rationalizing their behavior!). An active addict is concerned ONLY WITH ONE THING: numbing their incredible pain. You will NEVER have consistency from them. And they will often ghost, forget you existed, and that’s the end. Or, worse, they will ghost and spring back up like a Jack-In-The-Box months or years later. Stay away, in this context.

3a. They hate themselves. Aka hostile envy. Aka many other things.

4. They have identity issues – i.e. they are gay and closeted, if it is a (hopeful) romantic dynamic. I can’t tell you how common this one is. It’s really a tragedy (especially in this day and age!!!!! when you practically have to BE GAY to get a job now!), when a person does NOT want to be what they are – gay or the other infinite number of labels we now have for sexual identity. I’ve experienced attempted-ghosting by someone dealing with this issue and I will outline it below…

Once upon a time I was super infatuated with a young man. We had met through a good friend and so I considered him mostly “vetted”. He seemed to really like me, so I couldn’t figure out why he wouldn’t ask me out. It felt like a version of ghosting to me. One night, we ended up at the same place. In the middle of the bar he kissed me and we went back to his place. He considered me a safe person to confide in, which I already knew. As we sat on his couch, he spoke of a girl he dated for a few years since they met at their Ivy League establishment – obviously, I assumed he was into women. As I looked at him, at 3am and many hours into deep conversation, he looked back at me in a strange way. He said…”you don’t know???????”…I said…” know what…” and he said “if I tell you this, and you tell anyone, I will kill you”. He didn’t mean metaphorically, and I felt how serious he was. He said “I AM GAY”. I was so shocked. I sat with it and realized that his whole outer world was a charade. I just sat with him and talked. I never planned on outing him, and why would I? I just felt that…he should be OK to be out. So. We stayed friends. Even after the threat lol. We are still friends. He came out a couple years later. I felt honored to be the first to know. But it taught me a valuable lesson – and it would not be the last time I learned about this plight, particularly since I worked in entertainment/tv/film/Hollywood – things are not always what they seem.

You never know what’s going on for someone. Maybe they were molested, but can’t remember it, and so they are avoidant with someone they are attracted to. Maybe being with someone physically brings up shame and so they either avoid it or feel shame when they get too close to you. Maybe they anticipate you abandoning them when you begin to get close physically. Maybe they are gay AF and don’t want to be. Whatever it is, if they are ignoring or ghosting you, it may not only be you they are hiding from – as by hiding from YOU, they are really hiding from THEMSELVES. When I went through this situation it reinforced how not personal things are because you just never know. I won’t bother listing the signs of a closeted person (i.e. “THE PICKY GUY” – no woman will ever be good enough, because…), because you probably already know them – but if someone only sporadically expresses interest in you and then suddenly drops it, that could be a sure sign. A person who is sure about themselves will be consistent. They will typically also NOT stop until they get what they want (sex) – especially MEN. If you are a woman and he is not pursuing you, after appearing to be interested, and you are not a purple troll, then something else might be going on.

5. THEY ARE REALLY BUSY. I guess some of what I’ll write here falls also under reason 1 above, in the context of it’s really not personal, nor is it that they aren’t interested. Again: when I was working 40, 50 even 100 hours a week, I had such little bandwidth for anything else. I met several men I was really interested in, and even with my best efforts to follow through, I would sometimes be locked down for 10 or 14 hours at a time – responding either the next day or “too late” for their liking. They took it personally and stopped contacting me. It wasn’t personal at all, and it was tough to recover from. I think had it been the right person, they simply would have taken an interest in knowing my schedule, which already felt pretty isolating. I actually CRAVED support and partnership…but, with the right one not presenting and my deep deep purpose in queue (not like a basic 9-5 purpose, either – what I was doing and am doing is uncharted and I just have to make note of that because when you are an outlier the rules ARE DIFFERENT FOR YOU…don’t argue with me), I stayed my course. Being in purpose requires that you do not mix your energy with that of another person to the extent that you forget your path. Note that THIS IS DIFFERENT FROM BEING ON A BORDER as I expressed earlier in this article in the context of mental illness. However, being very ambitious and busy requires a special partner…one who will not fall apart because your method of communication is at a different speed from theirs. This can only be realized in time. So, if someone has ghosted you – and by ghosted, again, I mean totally ignored you – then a month might feel like a day for them. Don’t go blocking them or sending them bad energy which will kill any potential to have a friendship or relationship with them in the first place…instead, sit with your feelings and know that: MAYBE YOU DO NOT KNOW.

6. YOU WERE WORM-TONGUED / someone bad-mouthed you. I hate to say it. It’s happened to me before, and I’ve found out. I ALWAYS FIND OUT. Lies never prosper, and certainly they don’t last long. At the crux of a lie is either 1) a jealous man who can’t have you 2) a jealous woman who can’t be you. It’s never any other way. You can also swap gender in this regard because it really doesn’t matter; the energetic references to male and female are enough and there are plenty of men who live in their feminine as well as women who live in their masculine. At the end of the day, a jealous person – for whatever reason – will try to wreck you if you are in their vicinity. You can refer to reason 2 in this regard as the person doing this is ALWAYS a crazy (read my recent article here for some more reference pointsyou will need to join my locals community for the password, though! healingelaine.locals.com – sign up, and then share a post in the newsfeed letting me know you would like to read the article). Again, they can be hard to spot, so the person listening to them may have no idea they are full of shit.

If this happens to you – and you may not know if for a while or ever – it is important to note that this is THE OTHER PERSON’S LESSON on discernment and truth…NOT YOURS. When people believe lies, THEY ARE AS BAD AS THE LIAR HIM/HERSELF. The plandemic is a great example. Everyone believing the lies is as guilty as the puppet masters themselves – and no, I am NOT suggesting that the former are bad people. However believing lies is a test from God and the Universe…if you can not discern truth, then there is something within you that is dishonest. Maybe you lie to yourself about important things, but distract yourself to the point where YOU CAN’T HEAR TRUTH. Sometimes, too, it’s easier to believe lies. This is called being spiritually, emotionally and psychologically LAZY. It hurts to realize a lie; we have to contend with the fact that the person telling the lie – who may be our “friend” – is not who we thought them to be. We have to contend with something INSIDE OF US that caused us to believe the lie. In any case, know that no lie lasts forever…and your truth is louder than any lie. Do not ever try to explain yourself, if you suspect you have been lied about – sadly, this will only reinforce the lie and STEAL that other person’s lesson. In the end, also, if they can not see your light, truth and glaring value FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET, then THEY are not of value and God is doing you a SOLID by ridding them from your life with the use of the worm-tonguer. Buying into causal or crafty lies demoralizes people and it’s THEIR lesson, not yours to undo. Let them believe whatever. In addition, if they have no desire or strength to approach you because they believe this lie unconditionally, then once again you are being protected by being rejected.

7. THEY DIDN’T GET YOUR MESSAGE/S. This reason is the least likely, but it DOES happen. Just be sure to not be delusional about wanting this to be the case, when it is NOT, and there are other glaring signs that it is not. Now, I don’t text like a normal person and sometimes I delete then later reboot messaging apps I use for secure messaging. Sometimes, my internet just GOES OUT on my phone and I need to disable then re-enable my VPN. With work, and with personal, I have missed many messages from people. If texting is your only mode of communication with people, it CAN be risky – and assumptions can be made. It’s tricky, also, when you are “sure” someone received your message (and they did not), and you do not want to be perceived as a stalker or stalker-type by “double-checking with them” lol. And in that case, you just have to trust that if they want to talk to you then they will make sure that they do. There are countless ways to get in touch with people nowadays – multiple methods of text / apps, phone calls, third parties and social media. That’s why it’s unlikely that a person did not get your message, and usually you can get a “vibe” as to whether they did or not (so long as you are not deluding yourself! rejection can be hard indeed). However, if it’s just a tech glitch, but you don’t want to be sure, then the ghost will re-emerge before it actually turns into a ghost. Unless, of course, you have two really insecure people on your hands! (you, AND this other person).

I hope these 7 reasons really clear things up for you. Unless you are a lunatic (and you might be!), there is no such thing as a bad reason for being ghosted by someone. Everything that people do is about them, not you. Your value has no relevance to someone’s thoughts of you – good or bad. So, the next time you are ghosted or if you are still pining over that ghost from five years ago (keep in mind – ghosts have a funny way of popping back up again! particularly after you have fully accepted the ghosting), read what I’ve written here and draw some parallels with your own experience so that you can let go.