being a martyr will kill you

©Healing Elaine®, photo by Anita Saini

many years ago I went to a Shaman. it was before I fully launched Healing Elaine®, and it was around the time that I was hopping from “guru” to “guru”, or “seer” to “seer”. some of them were fantastic and still are — the people who have their feet planted firmly on the ground. examples that come to mind: Caroline Myss. others, such as the example I am going to share, were/are wonderful people, except for one thing…they suffered from martyr complex and it killed them in one way or another.

the night after I met with the Shaman, way uptown in Manhattan, I had a really religious experience. this person, during our session that day, had blown my life force or soul’s essence back into a very specific area on my heart through a crystal of sorts. this person worked a lot with animal spirit energy and their animals were present and soothing during the session. the session itself, much like what my actual sessions ARE, was called a “soul retrieval”. the idea was, that this person could assist me in returning some of the pieces of my soul, to my actual body. now, I believe in this stuff. my therapist would call it one thing. I would call it another. and a corporate person on wall street would call it something else. a priest would call it something else. but it’s all the same thing. it’s all physics, and it contains intention. after the session with the Shaman I awoke in the middle of the night with a piercing, stabbing, and unforgettable sharp shooting pain in my heart – RIGHT at the spot that they blew the essence back into my body. as a constant skeptic (I really have to see things to believe them myself – despite and perhaps negating my image because of what I do for work), I expected from the session at worst to feel nothing and at best to feel comforted by the Shaman. but as with a few other fortunate experiences I had in the spiritual domain up until that point, I got more than comfort. the pain, though sharp and blatant, was cathartic. half asleep and half awake, I knew what this pain was. it was more than a physical feeling. my body and my mind were relaxed enough to receive what I was intended to receive: MYSELF. I never forgot that Shaman.

many years later, my practice was super successful. the Shaman heard about it. and they called me for help. I thought, how oddly and how quickly life can change. this person, who I was once bewildered by and had revered, now needed my assistance. I told them sure, come through, for free. I didn’t feel right charging them since they were outside the scope of my protocol and how I usually worked — knowing nothing about a person in advance, which was and is my protocol. so the Shaman came through. and before they did, I got what I always receive before sessions: a lot of info. physically. emotionally, psychologically. it knocked me over. I was so so so sick before they arrived. I do not know how I made it through that session. and during it, I had one MAJOR piece of advice for this Shaman: take back your stuff. take back what was stolen from you by your blood line, by the people who you trusted the most. simply take it BACK. nothing more, nothing less. and since energy can neither be created nor destroyed, I did not find this to be such an outrageous suggestion. in fact, within me, it was much more than a suggestion. it was a mandate. this person had been stolen from in ways that I was unfortunately familiar with. their entire life was eroding — physically. they were physically ill. and they had just come to me on a near-clinical diagnosis. I knew in SECONDS, that I could help this person. and I also knew that if they did not follow my advice, they would die very soon. they didn’t follow my advice.

I didn’t hear about their passing right away when it happened, but I knew right then and there in that session that they were going to get very sick, very fast, and die. the reason is, they had a really intense martyr complex. they followed some scripture, I’m not sure but I think it was Christian (not that it matters – and by the way, I grew up in Bible school…Bible camp in summers…church choir…Christmas pageants…Sunday services…Confirmation…you get the idea; so I am not poo-pooing it at all), and they trusted the scripture more than hearing the voice of their own soul. and it didn’t matter what I said. in fact, when I said what I did, that they needed to reclaim themselves in xyz way and SEND “IT” BACK, they became visibly uncomfortable and angry. I was taken aback, but also overcome with deep knowing. knowing of what was to come, and knowing that I was in a place of seeing that I never anticipated. for it was all so clear to me. I think I filed that encounter into my unconscious mind in order to move forward and keep working without feeling responsible for what I knew to be imminent.

a month or two after the session that the Shaman came to see ME for, I started to receive go fund me requests from their email address. during our session they were not in any medical diagnosis — though I saw it coming — but within a month or two their illness was full blown and categorized. this was their fear (and reason for) when coming to see me — that they would get sick. and I knew what would stop it: they had to learn, even at their older age, when it is not appropriate for the soul to be a martyr. they didn’t want to learn. why? because it forced them to look at things differently. it required a MASSIVE ego death. their mind was comfortable with their “role” — the good person, the self-sacrificer, the VICTIM. now, there was nothing outwardly “victim” about this person. in fact I found them to be quite strong, and appear so. they did a ton of community work to uplift marginalized communities and individuals. but their ways of being was pure victim. and I see it constantly. people get sick sometimes because it’s easier. plain and simple. some people develop entire personalities around illness because it controls other people. obviously that was not this case. but the point is, that it was easier for this person to become sick and die than it was to change. their role in life was too important to them. and so it goes for many of us.

I see a fundamental difference in my practice between those who send back the shit that was dealt to them — hence reclaiming themselves (nothing more, and nothing less) –, and those who refuse because it’s HARD. I had a patient a long time ago who was with an unfaithful partner. I knew it and they knew it. but they wouldn’t confront it, and it was the type of infidelity that really bothered them. but not enough to see as truth. so they got sick instead. and they wanted my help, even though they would not listen to me. people don’t listen, because it’s hard on the mind. it’s hard to change our thought patterns. take all of the ayahuasca you want, it’s not going to change your core processing. that is something that can only be earned by true sober efforts. and a martyr complex is one for the BOOKS. and, I can relate. I’m just not willing (and never have been willing) to sell out and ruin my life over it (particularly since that’s already been done). I am quite happy to take my stuff back. from ANYONE.

when we don’t listen to our soul, and when we live for others, it’s because we are lazy. we are not righteous, “better”, or kinder. in fact, we are weak and selfish in this way. we would like to think of ourselves as better, because it is more convenient for the mind that way. but really, it’s an excuse. if we live an entire lifetime in a martyr role, and then we wake up at 40 or 50 and we are told to change it, many of us would rather throw in the towel than do the work that it requires to become a different person — the person we were designed to be. and so the Universe, the Gods, the whomever will create the contrast necessary for us to understand what we have done. how we have gone against ourselves, yet again. because now it isn’t just living to “benefit” others by being “the better person”…it is living against ourselves because it is too hard to be sovereign. and THAT, my friends, is a sin.

moral teachings, religious scripture and the like, is all open for interpretation. just like anything else in this world. and it is up to us HOW we interpret that information. we can use it to assist us in a good way, or we can use it to assist us in a bad way and call it something else in order to lie to ourselves about who we really are and what we are willing to believe about who we are. and every time I think of the Shaman, or anyone else I have met who is willing to forego the needs and calling of their very own soul because it is easier to accommodate the nefarious wishes of another, I am reminded of how martyrdom kills. what brings life, rather, is our ability to see truth. and THAT…is a seemingly (to me) and hopefully emerging reality for our planet at this time. one that I can’t wait for much longer.

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where we are at right now (energetically), individually and collectively

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

the old door has closed. the new door hasn’t opened. this has a lot of us feeling very WTF!!! (probably an understatement).

being caught, metaphorically (but it can feel literal), between two doors is some super uncomfortable shit. we try to go back to our old ways, our old beliefs, our old fears, our old life…and life just isn’t having it for us.

not everyone will make it through. it all depends upon how much we are willing to surrender to things that we are not certain about, in order to change ourselves to accommodate the new earth energy that has come through to support us and our consciousness. by the way, consciousness extends to EVERYTHING in our life – our relationships, our physical reality, and the thoughts and feelings that produce those things.

so, what is it that we are not certain about? we are not certain that our “new” (what lies behind the new door) thoughts and feelings will support us. because how would we know that they will, beyond blind faith?

it’s funny how we trust the unseen in many ways — like via technology. we turn on a light or a phone and communicate that way. but when it comes to our own computer, our own body and mind, we question the nature of our spirit as it relates to the “future” because we don’t have a tangible item to hold to control. and this is all about control…

when we truly release control, we feel as though we are dying. because in a sense, we are. but back to that feeling — like we are dying. it’s a real feeling when we are no longer allowed to access our old ways of being. and so we sit in limbo. we will sit in between the two doors — because both can NOT be opened at the same time — and we suffer. we rage. we complain. we repeat the same patterns. and they don’t work. we use force, “magic potions” and all kinds of bullshit to try and cheat the universe…and yet they either do not work at all or they severely backfire. and then we sit. again. alone in the room. either with all of the money in the world, or none of the money in the world, sweating and stressing over bills and basic logistics, and it is ALL the same. we are still stuck between two doors, and nothing material can change the state.

everyone’s time between these two very LOUD and present doors is different. collectively, it’s probably a 6-month to 1-year hold as far as I see it. individually, it can shadow or teeter on one side or the other of that time period. but it is not a mistake that “everyone” feels like shit is hitting the fan at the same time. we are all being asked to be different. there is no hierarchy in spiritual growth. no one escapes it. all things are relative. no gurus can escape it. no non-believers can escape it. what we do with it is irrelevant to the fact that it will sit there until we allow….”it” is the boiling hot or freezing cold temperature between the two doors, and “allow” is what we decide to stop grabbing for in order to feel cooler or warmer.

if you haven’t figured it out by now, we are all connected. everything that we do to another we only really do to our own self. some of us will never figure that piece out, and that’s fine. it’s called contrast and we need it in order to expand. there is nothing in my life that I have built that did not come from extreme pain aka contrast. that said, yes we are all connected, and no we are not all energetically or consciously equal. this part is the part that separates us from certain group-think, friendships or relationships that we have had our entire lives, jobs, and so on. we are a mosaic and all shifting in equal but RELATIVE terms. there is no one who has it easier than the next. and the next time you go to “wish” you were xyz person, think again — because you just might get the challenges that accompany them on their “lucky” journey and then you might actually have a HUGE problem because it’s not what you bargained for. we don’t see what is actually there, rather we only see what we are “not”, relative to our own potential.

it’s been a really painful time for so many people lately. and it’s because we are collectively stuck in between two doors. some of us are still trying to open the old one, and some of us have our hand on the new one, accepting that the old one will never again open. this year, I went through a real death of self when I tossed my work space out the window. it was a space that I built more than half a decade ago, and many healings took place there. experiences that I will never forget. I had identified, like we all do, with what I was doing — constant healings. around the clock. even if I worked with just one person a week or one person a month, they were with me for many months. I was in contact with them for countless hours, both in person and virtually. I was accustomed to what I WAS…which was a routine, an identity, a duty, a life. I do tend to live in the moment, and so “easing” into my next steps (= dreams and purpose) wasn’t really on my radar. well, that’s not the way that the universe likes to do things for me anyhow. the universe likes to put me in really impossible situations (why I love working with mystery illness issues and fertility issues! I love the thrill of possibly solving them!) to see how I will climb out of them. and the thing that I do know about myself, is that I always use integrity. and it is integrity alone that “gets me out” of my old or outgrown worlds. for more on that part (thoughts on integrity), read my earlier posts. when I realized that I was being cut off from scaling my work and my business because it was not sustainable to my energy, it was the end of 2017. and it just kept changing toward what I have always wanted, but wasn’t sure how to “get” to. what I wanted is written throughout this entire blog. but in order to “get” there, the universe had to murder my identity. this meant taking fewer sessions. seeing fewer people. dragging me away, in a certain format, from what I “love”. so that I could open a new door(s).

losing this perceived identity was hard. you might be thinking “what are you talking about, you are still a healer…”…well I am talking about the daily minutia. because THIS is where the real change occurs. I’m not talking about the kind of identity change or life change that happens overnight. it’s the daily everything that is coated with everything behind the old door. we can not possibly outsmart the process between the two doors, or “plan” for it. this is why most people sit at a 9-5 and fantasize about what it might be like to have fame or money or work for themselves…it (the ability to change, to have something different) is all in the minutia. and the minutia is addictive.

I’m not sure exactly when this next “door” is done opening for everyone (and the door is certainly relative to someone’s life path and how they have used their free will — feel free to read my eBooklet on the physics of karma), but we are in a collective motion. which means we are each grappling with what it all means, regardless of where we are headed. I feel that the next year is going to produce seemingly “overnight” positive changes and success for those who have been working toward goals for many years. as always, nothing sustainable is built overnight (so don’t get me started on social media – those who don’t understand sustainability are in for a shock over this next period of time). and so all that has been worked for behind the scenes, mostly in the inner world of an individual, for what possibly feels like an eternity for many people, is the next door. I know what my door feels like. I’ve had my hand on it for about a year now. and I know that what lies behind it is magic. this comes in the face of some of the most exaggerated contrast you might imagine would oppose magic. but hey, there’s my relativity. do you want it? probably not.

if you are trapped between your two doors, and you have taken your hand off of the old one, just sit there. in the hot, or in the cold, or whatever miserable temperatures have been handed to you as conditions for what you are internally acquiring for your next steps which are behind the new door. just sit there. when the internal and external aspects of your life have been ripened with different temperatures, you will, simply by the very nature of being a live being, put your hand on the new door. if you don’t have all of the answers or maybe you don’t even resonate with this post at all, know that you have two fundamental choices: enter an old world (impossible), or brave the storm that precedes the new world (door).


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the physical death of a person, and their effect upon us afterward


photo by Pia Oyarzun

as far back as I can remember, I sensed energies. I did not know I was sensing energies. when I was 3, I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. when I put my tiny hand on my bedroom door knob to turn it, another hand placed itself over mine. I jumped back into bed and peed myself.

when I was old enough to be left home alone, I heard people in the house. I called 911 many times when I was left alone. there was never anyone there, but I was sure that someone was breaking and entering. they never did, at least not while I was there. I didn’t believe in ghosts, I wasn’t raised on ghosts, and I didn’t know anyone who did believe in ghosts. I dismissed my senses and decided to trust myself a bit less. there were plenty of other reasons I did not trust myself, either, but sensing people in the house who were not there was prominently on that list. and yet, I kept reacting to the noises, the feeling, the cold, the knowing — I continued calling the police well into my teens, because I heard someone in the house.

when I started to become super social in my mid teens around 15 in particular, my “awareness” died down. I had also become more astute at shutting down, because it was too scary to be in my body for a host of other, very real, physical and psychological reasons. so, after a certain point, I didn’t really think about my sensing of people who ended up not…being there.

by my late teens, I didn’t know anyone who had died. when my paternal grandfather died when I was 21, it was the first person who I had known in the flesh. as he was dying, I somehow knew about karma and closure, and I decided to write him a note of closure as he ended his life. I didn’t know him very well and barely saw him. yet I felt it was important to help him through to “the other side”. one year later, I was visiting my grandma, his widow. she and I always had a special connection. the first memory I have of her is when I was 3 or 4. we were walking up the stairs to go to a swimming pool and I turned around, looked at her, and said “I like you”. she said to me “I like you too”. we shared a special connection and still do — living, dead, and anywhere in between. though neither she nor my grandfather was religious, she and I shared a special human and psychic connection. that will never die. so when her husband died, I was curious about if/how/when he would “show up” and visit us. mind you, I had never seen (to my knowledge!) a ghost, and I didn’t expect to be visited by him or anyone else. one night, about a year after his death, I was staying the night at their house in Florida. I have always had trouble sleeping — for reasons I am very aware of. mostly traumatic reasons. my experience with sleep involved, over and over again as a child, waking to pure trauma and horrific fear of a variety of instances. therefore, my ability to 1) fall asleep 2) stay asleep 3) not be afraid of going to sleep was weak. anyhow, I was staying in the room that he died in one night. in the bed that he died in. which I didn’t connect to at the time. as I rifled through the medicine cabinet in his bathroom, I found percocets that were prescribed to him to ease his pain as he was dying. let me be clear: I have never had an addiction to anything. I have never relied on substances. I consider myself extremely fortunate to be able to pick up any substance and put it right down when my mind decides I do not need it. while I have other challenges, substances is not one of them. and yet as we know, substance issues mimic other issues generated by the mind, so my compassion and understanding has repeatedly connected to those who have or have had substance issues and addiction. I digress with that side note, but I want to paint the fullest picture possible. like most nights of my life, I had no idea whether I would be able to fall or stay asleep — so when there was something overtly available to take to aid me in the process, I would take it (I never purchased or was prescribed sleep prescriptions or drugs in my teens or 20s). the percocets were available and not only that, clearly no one was using them anymore. my grandma still hadn’t had the heart to clean out his bathroom (they had separate bathrooms and bedrooms). I took one percocet to sleep, and put another one in my pocket “for the road”. I left the rest in the bottle. I put the bottle back and felt guilty about it, even though he was dead. I went to sleep peacefully because of the extreme high I got from the medication…

in the middle of the night, I was awoken suddenly. as I looked directly in front of me, where there was no headboard, a face began taking shape — like a tv screen coming into focus. my grandfather’s face formed before my eyes, and I was frozen. his hands went into prayer in front of his face, and I was in shock. I pinched my own arm as hard as I could to prove to myself in the morning that this was not a dream. I prayed and prayed to fall asleep and held my breath (a skill I tried to master as child with the covers pulled up tightly around my body and face when I was afraid) and I finally did. in the morning, I put the pill that I had taken back in his pill bottle and I apologized to him. I felt guilty. in retrospect, I realize I was coming up on increasingly challenging years in my life, and he knew it — he was never a man of prayer, blatantly did not believe in God or religion, and yet there he was. praying for me. clear as day.

this was the first experience that I had with a “ghost”. I say “ghost” because it was after that, that I realized how palpable his intention was for me. I could feel, telepathically, that he was afraid for my safety in general. I was definitely a fly-by-the-seat girl at the time, and I never thought about the consequences of my actions. I traveled solo, often didn’t know my next move, stayed out late and drank a lot, and insisted on being only in the present tense at all times. I unwittingly put myself in dangerous situations often. I never knew they were dangerous. I was too accustomed to the feeling. and I had a thirst to understand the world.

after my experience with my late grandfather, I did not have another one like it with him or anyone else for a long time. however actually, I did not understand that I was indeed having them ALL of the time — with energy. as you will read about in my other posts, energy is INFINITE. it transcends physical form, and takes many forms of consciousness (as well as light and dark — and intangible darkness often seeks tangible containers at all costs — this is another subject entirely). positive consciousness is hindered in physical form, and it raises beyond physical form. then, when we work on ourselves as human beings, we can access it. this is the bridge that we create and experience between 3d and 5d. that is also another post, though.

in my mid and late 20s, I became acutely interested in my own spirituality and personal consciousness. I went to alanon meetings, read tons of self help books (since a child, actually), therapist hopped (what a disappointing scene in general), and did anything I could to hear my own voice. one day, after I let go of a stagnant relationship which almost lead to marriage, I simply asked my “spirit guides” to please show themselves. I was detached from the outcome. but as I asked them aloud to show themselves, an entire veil of mist or, it can be best described as heat coming off of the pavement on a hot day, manifested in front of me. it was about 5 feet tall and I couldn’t believe it. I also couldn’t believe that “it” showed up on demand. to be sure I wasn’t crazy, I looked at my cat who was on the other side of this energy — his eyes were huge and he was scanning it up and down. the feeling that took over me when this energy/guide showed up was pure love. there is no other way to put it. I felt…like I would never feel alone again. I felt safe and guided. this was a pivotal point for me. unconditional love touched my heart in that moment and it was the first time I felt anything like it.

as I developed my understanding of many things unseen, in my late 20s, I began to realize that the people I “imagined” breaking into my house or walking around it when I was a child were…real. they just were not in physical form. I felt them all of the time. I also saw rather uncouth energies at the home of another family member every single time I stayed there. the only word I can use to describe those energies is: evil. I hated staying there. I had nightmares each time, visions of the “devil”, and general feelings of darkness. it didn’t make sense to me until way later as to…why. the energy behind the scenes supported everything I felt. this is when I realized that NOTHING goes unnoticed in life. we just lie to ourselves to feel safe.

my next experience with the unseen and the death of a person I knew was with a grandmother (not the widow). as I sat by my window in my east village apartment, I was suddenly overcome with nausea. it felt disgusting, and I tasted medication. I barely made it 10 feet to my bed and curled myself up into the fetal position. I don’t know for how long I napped, but I was awoken to the sounds of sobs of despair and mourning. it was so loud, I thought my neighbors were wailing with tears. my body felt so sick, as if something was passing through it. and I just knew instantly: my grandmother who had cancer had just died. I had no way of knowing this for fact, other than my experience. when I went over to my cell phone, there was a message waiting for me indicating that yes indeed, she died. it was then, that I began to learn that I was and am used as a gatekeeper. fast forward, and this began happening for me with patients who were about to lose parents or loved ones or even acquaintances. for whatever reason, my physical field was used as a gate to some other…place.

as noted, growing up I never believed in ghosts and if you told me in college that I was a gatekeeper or that something like a gatekeeper was real, I would have run away from you. I can’t stress this enough, because I am not a naturally woo-woo person. this is what makes everything that much more valid for me; I have never sought out my experiences. they have taken over me, though. and now I am perfectly fine with this (most of the time! except for when I feel someone elses emotions so strongly that I can not shake them — hence my session work and protocol).

after I saw my grandfather those years ago, I really did not want to see another “ghost” so clearly. I understood that yes, energy is infinite and timeless, and I even understood how the human ego leaves us when we die, but I still wasn’t comfortable or welcoming to that which I could not…control. but after I was used as some kind of gate or portal not only for those dying and changing form, and then for thousands of sessions, I sort of…got used to it. one day I woke up in my bedroom and saw a man from the 1980s in a blue and white track suit. he was Italian. I saw that he was busy..doing stuff. counting money, I think. he shared my living space — it’s just that we were in different dimensions. he was not aware of me — he was purely going about his business. I was aware of him. and as I began to study him, he…evaporated.

another morning I woke up and saw an old man and a little girl — his granddaughter, I think. they were dressed in 1920s clothing. he looked at me as if he knew I was occupying his space, and they disappeared into another dimension completely. I felt…safe and not alone, ironically. I no longer felt the crippling fear that I felt as a child. I will also note that there were so many other difficult things happening during that early time in my life, that it would have been very hard to decipher what was real since I was conditioned to not believe ANYTHING that I knew to be true, one way or another. thankfully, over time and with courage and effort, we can recover memories and our own sense of judgement, as well as, well, TRUTH…

now, to the reason I am writing this post. we all know someone who has died. most of us have loved ones who have died. and we miss them terribly. and we wonder “where they are”. some of us never wonder, because we feel them all of the time. and this is what I want to say…you may have heard or read or experienced that the essence of a person who once “was”, never leaves. and this is partly true. what DOES leave, is their ego. and this is when karma in a family dynamic can REALLY kick up — because there is no physical container blocking, unwittingly holding or defending, or otherwise countering truth. there is truth in all relationships, whether they are friendships or family or acquaintanceships. when someone dies, all of the ego aspects of them are what leave. we are then left with their intangible resonance and consciousness, aka…truth. unthwarted and unblocked from human conditions: control, manipulation, greed, etc.

often when someone dies we see family “battles” over petty shit like money. people actually spend time trying to go against wishes of deceased loved ones, or get more than their share, or even worse, still try to control the person from beyond their grave. the interesting thing about these battles is that since the ego of the person of focus is gone, the truth often envelopes everyone around them in a crazy way. this is why many people go nuts over wills, assets, and so forth. even when the wishes of a deceased person are crystal clear. emotions like control and fear and greed take over, and the people who were close to the deceased person seem to…lose it. they lose it, because there is no longer a container for all of the emotions they repressed while the now-deceased person was alive. when this space is no longer there to contain the ugly human emotions of others, from many years or timelines, we are left with: truth.

last week someone told me an interesting story about a will. and I am making a point here regarding how powerful the intention and truth of a person who has left this tangible plane and now resides solely in consciousness, versus unconsciousness, which was not a possible residence while they were in physical form, is. a wicked old lady who I actually randomly knew via one degree of separation, lost her mother. while the mother was alive, this wicked lady did everything she could to convince her sick and dying mother to change her will. the wicked lady had one sister. the sister was not wicked. the mother, alive in physical form, was still in ego, and confused by the wicked nature of the wicked old lady (her daughter). well, one day this wicked lady was caught doing something not above board with money. upon a coinciding death of her mother right around that same time, it was as if karma was nearly in physical form and laughing: somehow, it worked out that the wicked lady’s sister — the one who was not wicked — received ALL of the inheritance. not part of it. but all of it. my guess is as good as yours, but when I heard this story first-hand by the person who was there to witness all of this, it was as if the new conscious awareness of the deceased mother now in intangible form took over and met with the karma of her wicked daughter. I am skipping out on some details here, but this story was one for the books when I heard it a couple of weeks ago. and, I was not surprised…which brings me to my next point about the physical death of a person, and their effect upon us afterward.

when we leave tangible form (ego), we…see. I won’t go into soul or oversoul purpose and specifically what happens for the sake of keeping this post on topic, but I will say that any one of us who leaves our body is able to see all that ever was and is across time and space: truth. truth resonates in the higher dimensions, and those are the intangible dimensions. period. some of us, whilst still in human form, can access those dimensions. depending upon how much self-work we have done. aka how honest we can be with ourselves. not everyone wants to access truth, which is best reached beyond the confines of the human linear mind (ego). and so they struggle dearly.

part of this post is about bringing peace of mind to anyone who feels stressed, abandoned or dumbfounded by a sudden, not sudden, or otherwise death of a loved one, friend or acquaintance. part of my intention to express some peace for others is describing my experience and knowing with the unseen. if perhaps you connect to that, or can feel the resonance through my writing, well, maybe that is a start. another part of my intention to express some peace for others is to explain how truth hits the fan when people die. again, think of it like this: all of the control, lies, or otherwise disappointing human qualities in those around the person who dies will be revealed. almost immediately. for some of us, this can be a wonderful and healing event. for others of us, we see things that we never wanted to see, or were hoping were not true. either way, the veil is now gone. if you believe in truth rising, there can surely be peace around the death of a loved one as for better or worse, it can provide much closure on a variety of levels. finally, I want to share this…

I recently lost someone who I loved very much. we had a most special connection. we had a language in which to communicate, telepathically, for when she died. I never really knew for certain if this language would “show up” for me when she decided to go, but I was hopeful. before she died, she appeared in a series of dreams this year. I cried so hard DURING the dreams that I would awaken with salty dried tears all over my face. I couldn’t believe it: I was already mourning her! I felt like she was giving me the biggest gift already. she spoke to me directly in the dreams. she said goodbye. she also said goodbye while she was still alive. she made me aware of her terms of death and what she wanted for me. the circumstances surrounding her death were unfortunate, mostly due to the ego and control of those around her. but there is nothing that can ever, ever interfere with our connection. this is true for all relationships, whether they are friendships or family or otherwise — what is true, is true, and it transcends time and space and everything in it that is not true. as I mourned her in my dream states, I wondered when I would feel her leave. and then one day I just knew when she did. she showed up in my bedroom in a timeline of her youth. she was graceful, beautiful, and strong. her essence is something I remembered from years ago. it was not an essence of the present, but her consciousness was more present than ever.

at the time she left her physical body, the most incredible synchronicity happened for me. a terrible grip that someone had upon me energetically (namely connected to the theft of my domains and more) became unraveled. I discovered, in the most amazing way, the cause and location of exactly an issue I dealt with for over a year. it was as if she spelled out for me how to unblock this massive interference in my life, in a language that I did not even speak. I was shown “accidental” evidence and Freudian slips that I believe are a strong byproduct of her freeing up the physical space in the tangible realm that contained many lies and controlling behaviors. as soon as she transitioned, it was as if I was being helped in a way no one else could help me. not to mention the fact that although we were close, I felt and now feel closer to her than ever. I feel her support, friendship, and awareness of my truth more loudly than ever would have been possible while she was on this physical plane. it may sound weird to say, but we now have an opportunity for a closer relationship than ever. and I have a feeling that this is just the beginning.

sometimes and often when loved ones die, and we had a karmic agreement with them, it is easier for THEM to carry out their commitment to us AFTER they transcend their physical container. that is, if WE are able to connect to them from this realm to that realm. and what can we do? we can simply talk to them like they are right there. I know this may sound odd to anyone who has not experienced “other”. but I would suggest trying it. perhaps if anything I’ve said in the above examples resonates, the step can be made toward a connection between your dimension (physical) and that of whom you want to connect with (nonphysical). while it is safer for the mind to process such deep connections in a dream state, you may also notice with comfort that recently deceased loved ones will ramp up synchronicities and the truth to assist you in many ways. it is their way, also, of righting wrongs that occurred while they were in physical form and tied in with other physical beings who all have ego (our block to so much).

the physical death of a person, and their effect upon us afterward, can express itself in many different ways. the above ways are my experiences. if you had a difficult relationship with someone who then died, you may also find it easier to connect/forgive/”dialogue” with them while they are in intangible and subsequently ego-less form. if you want to. the message is that there is opportunity, even after physical closure with someone on this live human plane, to learn something new that you could not connect to on this plane because of aforementioned human roadblocks (ego). when there is no longer ego, aka a foggy lens, there can be even greater and deeper healing between you and your “loss” — regardless of how your closure took place on this plane. above all, be open to the truth, because their new plane of resonance has much to offer in the way of it that wouldn’t have been possible in our 3d reality.

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