how and when I knew it was time to leave certain (platonic) relationships

photo by Anita Saini

I would like to first note that none of the examples that I share below are related, in any way, to my healing practice or anyone in / around it. the examples are from my strictly personal life. I hope they serve you in some way. in addition, as always, these are all MY WORDS. my experiences. not information I read or heard. everything that I write about, I have lived. and my words are my interpretations of such.

the law of physics states simply that two energies of different vibrations must match in order to stay in contact. this is more true than I could ever explain in words. I feel it all day. I’ve experienced it empirically. I write about it in nearly every single blog post, directly or indirectly. it is happening ALL OF THE TIME. to each and every one of us. it is just that we do not pay enough attention to it (much thanks to the unconscious mind, that wants to keep us trapped in the past, often in the safety of trauma that our ego adrenaline will not allow us to leave until things get bad enough).

everyone we speak with – engage with, in any way and on any level – impacts us and we impact them. the important question to ask is…how? when we begin to GROW, a funny thing happens in our relationships. we find that 1) we reside in more truth, and our relationships improve 2) we reside in more truth, and our relationships fall apart. another thing that happens, particularly when we are in our 20s, is that we do the opposite of grow – we REGRESS…this happens so that our unconscious mind may access and “fix” our trauma. we are rarely but sometimes successful in terms of escaping this — most people, sorry to say it, stay in regressed trauma forever. we regress, typically, through romantic partnerships. those are the sneakiest and strongest forms of glue to bond our mind cleverly to the past, and call it “love”. in actuality, we are working out things we do not actually want or need any longer. and so, in this way, we may find that 1) we reside in less truth, and our relationships fall apart 2) we reside in less truth, and the wrong relationships improve (taking us backward).

in 2011, I had just come out of the closet with my healing practice. I had little vistaprint cards that said “Elaine” on them, and a picture of a fairy. I was also blowing through trauma from the past, on my own, and doing a good job at it. I had attended alanon meetings for a time because I couldn’t afford therapy (no excuses — there is ALWAYS a resource for us and we do not necessarily need money for said resources — ask and ye shall find), and I was on a rigorous schedule of my own accord which included proper sleep (including a consistent bedtime), no TV, not too much social media, and daily exercise. I know, this may sound boring — but I wanted a life, and I knew that anchoring was the way to get there. I was juggling several jobs at the time, as I had been since I left corporate in 2006. I had my own consulting business, I worked part-time at a clothing store, and I was briefly in a band (I had abandoned my musical training in my early teens and I really missed it). I lived in a tiny east village apartment that I was always on the verge of getting kicked out of because I couldn’t afford it, and I had to learn how to train my mind differently — as in, learn that I was worth being paid, and also stop being afraid of my root essence (something that was robbed from me long, long ago). root essence is all things home, safety, and basic needs.

during this time, my then-bff came to NYC for a visit. although she made major money at a tech firm, she insisted on staying with me. she was always cutting corners with anything that would save her money, and she loved free shit. in retrospect, I wish I had told her “no” the dozen times she decided she would crash with me in my tiny studio versus pay for a hotel with the expense money her company gave to her. of course in hindsight, there are hundreds of things I wish I saw about her. one particular visit, I was in really hot water with my landlord. I was a couple of weeks late, and he had already shown up at my door asking for the rent. despite all of this, spiritually and emotionally and psychologically, I was doing better than ever. I was healthy on the inside, and hoping/waiting for the outside to match it. my bff invited me out to dinner with her other friend. since I knew her, I knew she would not be paying for me (despite inviting me, knowing my circumstances, AND having stayed in my apartment which inconvenienced me), but also that I could not afford it. I went anyhow, as I felt obligated. she knew my position, and simply looked the other way. again, at the time, I was USED to this selfish behavior because of my life experience, so I didn’t give it too much thought. at dinner, I remember feeling my own divine energy in a new way. I was not dating or in a relationship or in some idea of false power, so it was definitely mine. by the way, it is really important to note what is “yours” – if you are in a new relationship or have a new pay raise or promotion happening and you think THAT is your divine energy, that is a big mistake. that is called EXTERNAL validation and essentially, fake happiness. at any rate, I could feel more divine core during this period of my life like never before – despite the difficulty that I was having. I recall so vividly, the look of anger and discontent on her face during dinner. this would not be the last time that I would see this look — it would grow and grow, as my life and inner world each blossomed and grew and grew. after dinner, we took a walk around the city and I pet some horses that the police were riding downtown (this always really bothers me). after that night, I got a really odd email from my then-bff…

the email said that she was concerned for my mental health. because, simply, of how “different” I seemed at dinner, and how it was odd that I was petting the horses. it almost seemed like a joke, that email, which I have saved and downloaded to this day. in that moment, I knew: she was describing herself. but she didn’t know it. in the email, she said that her instinct was “to distance myself from you” — imagine that. my energy had changed so much for the better, that over a decade of friendship was on the line. as a side note, if I were to even BEGIN to list the 100 things about this individual that I now can not believe I overlooked, you might fall over. at any rate, I responded to the email and passed it off without any drama. shortly after that time, I find out that this once seeming straight-laced person is blowing coke every weekend (never an interest of mine) – because she told me so. I also find out, because she told me so, that she was sleeping with her married boss whose wife was pregnant with their third child. all of this, like it was no big deal. yet she was concerned about MY well-being, and how that reflected upon “HER”…

I had overlooked much of this type of behavior of hers, for many years in fact, until I couldn’t overlook it any longer. all the while, every criticism that she had of me, was actually of herself. and the tipping point came when I ACTUALLY became even healthier. it was staggering to me, how much an energy shift and a shift in consciousness will just absolutely not allow you to even live in the same state as someone. be on the phone with them. converse with them in any way. I was doing the inner work, and it showed. it actually began showing up in my relationships — and, the best part was, that I understood it. and so I allowed whatever needed to fall apart, to fall apart. the reasons that I had overlooked much of her behavior up until that point were really basic ones: she appeared really together, she had a high profile job, we had been friends for a really long time, and it felt like family. she was the things that I was taught to value — how people SEEMED, versus who they actually WERE. I had yet to fully address the actual meaning of that word: family. what I knew was, it didn’t include being treated poorly.

as I grew and became stronger, she became worse and worse. all the while, maintaining her fake, “together” appearance. the pinnacle came when anyone and everyone who was like her — intrinsically — I walked away from…and they all got together to talk. LOL! this is how strong the notion of vibration is, folks. all that matches will bond together and not even truly know why…all that does not match will be ripped apart, and the surface reasons will not even make sense at the time. that is how it felt with my former bff. the fact is, you will be attacked for your light when those around you [intrinsically] lack it. that is your cue to keep moving, with grace.

another example that I would like to share was perhaps even more difficult to figure out, in contrast to a more blatant experience such as I had with the former bff. this example is with a therapist I saw for 2 years. now, those of you reading this who work in mental health (thank you, thank you by the way to those of you who I have never even met for the referrals of other therapists who you have sent my way or inadvertently sent my way by telling them about me) know that a large percentage of “therapists” go into the practice because they are mentally unwell themselves. I’ve seen it many, many times. they think that their intelligence is so grand that it can bypass their own unconscious — it can not. they think that by helping others, they are fixing themselves — they can not, it does not work that way. many therapists, though intellectually intelligent, remain damaged; as they continue to use intellect to bypass deep, deep unconscious experiences that have not even begun to surface — because they are blocked by the intellectual commitment to fix others instead. that said, I was REALLY nervous about finding the right therapist. I hopped around for ages from early 20s on, and never ever was consistent in therapy — because I found that most of them were NUTS. I felt rather hopeless about finding anyone who not only could help me, but who knew something that I did not already know. and who was not certifiably crazy. I was often 10 steps ahead of each person I saw, and some of them ended up sort of asking me for advice – I would walk away knowing that I had opened something in THEM, and scared to find out that MY person (therapist) didn’t exist. at any rate, I found someone I thought could work. because I did not find them to be crazy, and they had many years of experience, I settled in. I could never, however, set a SPECIFIC or consistent day and time each week — I always had to call to schedule the next session. that, in and of itself, is a sign that some part of the equation did not fully work. because, commitment IS commitment, period. I couldn’t fully commit. but, I committed to the best of my knowing at that time and I DID commit to my own internal process. I went nearly weekly anyhow. in the very first session, I could tell that this person didn’t fully have me sized up, because of the questions they were asking me. I also felt they had to really state their power or boundaries, which told me that they felt threatened by me in some way. but, at the same time, I knew they had knowledge to share, so I stayed. for 2 years. I appreciate the time that I had with this person. but, there came a time when I had to go…and, just like the above example I shared with my former bff, that time came when I GREW…

I went through a terrible time in the outer world as it relates to my business and theft/censorship. that is a whole other enchilada. ironically, I entered therapy with this person right before it ALL began…and I left, right as it all began to reveal itself. as the facts surrounding my outer world tangible problems began to reveal, and I didn’t actually know they were revealing in the way that they would, I felt again that power inside of me bubbling up (heavily contrasting the outer world struggle). something in me had awoken further, and I can’t for the sake of time adequately explain what that felt like in writing. perhaps that is another post for me to write. what I knew, is that I WAS CLOSER TO TRUTH – period. and as this was happening, my then-therapist mentioned to me that she was “concerned about me”…hmmm…the irony here, is that it was only THIS WEEK in 2019 that I connected the dots in relationship to what my former bff had said to me about a decade ago as I was growing spiritually and emotionally…that she was “concerned” about me…and I see a much larger pattern now, with perhaps everyone in my life who had outgrown their purpose.

I was really caught off guard with my then-therapist because of her words, but I had also resolved (prior to entering therapy) to accept that I might actually never find someone who could see my big-picture. I was ok with it, I had surrendered to being lonely in that way. I was grateful for whatever insights she had and although knowledge is NOT experience, at least it is knowledge that I didn’t have to go online for, and I could share a banter about it with an actual person. during this time, literally everything had been stripped away from me (again – I recognize my life is not normal, but I know that it is relative to my purpose hence me writing here, for you) and I couldn’t afford to see her. when I say I couldn’t afford to see her, I am not saying it in the way that people throw that around when they have an ACTUAL savings and a line of credit (which boils my blood, my the way, because those statements about “not having money” are about CONTROL, about EGO, not fact)…I actually couldn’t afford a cab downtown because there was no credit for it anyway. when I get bottomed out like that — and by the way many people do get bottomed out like that and go on to write best-sellers or have amazing businesses so I do not consider it a “failure” in life — I know the people in my life are probably going to change as well. and, if I don’t see it at the time, I see it later and understand why. I went for a couple more sessions while I internally felt better than ever, but externally witnessed my life falling apart again. she looked at me strangely and brought up odd topics like politics…which informed me of her own trauma and relationship to my GROWTH. there I was again, growing…and it was causing someone to be “concerned” for me…and the Universe decided for me that it was time to go. a few months later, I knew that the right thing had happened — I was supposed to move forward now. I had outgrown that therapist. I would also like to note that I now have the therapist of my absolute dreams. it’s like “the” relationship of your life — when you know, you know. I knew on day one, that he was “the one”. I suppose this is how all important life decisions are supposed to go as they relate to people. we always know on day one, whether we admit that to ourselves or not.

evolving and truly growing feels like the land of Oz. when you grow to a point in which you actually give birth to a new energy inside of you, because you have been doing the work, you will outgrow many people. it does not, of course, make those people bad. but it lets you know that they are part of your old reality. this can feel extremely trippy. it can almost feel as though one is having a psychotic break, if you can imagine what that might feel like. the reason that people have such a hard time with the people around them growing and moving into TRUTH, is that they do not have the proper tethering to stay together when truth is presented — either in fact, or intrinsically in another person such as I was presenting to both my former bff and my then-therapist. it actually caused them to feel untethered, and their go-to was to deflect (without knowing it, of course), and be concerned about ME. they were concerned for themselves.

there is no end to how many layers we each have, and how much we can grow. when we spend time with others, we MUST match them on some level. when we no longer match them, the Universe simply separates the two forces like oil and water. it finds all kinds of ways to do so. the art of allowing will carry you through, as this occurs. those who do not want to change, and who do not want to see the truth, will find ways to attack you — not because they want to hurt you, but because they are so afraid of seeing “what is”. this translates to the entire debacle we are now seeing with big tech, and let me tell you that we are just at the tip of the iceberg that will melt and melt and melt…while people meltDOWN, over it. I have always wondered what the “big event” would be in this world, to finally land or bridge people on the “same page” (meaning TRUTH)…would it be aliens landing that everyone could see at the same time? would it be a big news scandal that was too mainstream to miss? well, whatever “it” is, is well on its way. and I continue to do my best to remain understanding of how and why people can not see truth. it is not because they don’t want to, but rather if they untether something in their unconscious mind, they mind literally lose it. and I believe that the powers that be upstairs, know this. that is why we are not all on the same page at the same time. for whatever that is worth to you.

when your relationships start to shift and change, ask yourself: 1) am I growing 2) am I around someone who is actually negatively impacting me, but I just can’t see it because it is in my house of trauma 3) what are my internal versus external particulars … answering those questions soundly will assist you. the only “wrong” way to do things, is to go against our SELF in some way in this life. that is when we pay the ultimate price. so, if you are doing things to the best of your ability and not lying to yourself, take a deep breath, let it out, and let go of worrying about whether or not you are on the right track. everything that needs to follow, in the sphere of people and relationships, will.

*as always, please revisit the link to this article — I often do not edit my first draft before publishing (yes, there are reasons). I often edit a day or two later at which point reading this a second time may make more sense anyhow.

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narcissistic relationships: what they look like, what they do and how to rewrite your storyline

narcissistic relationships: what they look like, what they do and how to rewrite your storyline

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narcissistic relationships occur across the board: with friends, acquaintances, parents, romantic partners, teachers and so on. in order for us to remain in a N relationship, we must first be predisposed on a primal level. nothing comes to us unless we are existing at the vibrational match, in some way, to that thing.

narcissists, or Ns, are a curious bunch. their wiring is different. they live in a constant “fight or flight” state, and view the world and those around them as a battle that they must preemptively fight and conquer before anything affects them. this is a deluded space to operate from. but for the N it is very real. these individuals are not always obvious characters, at first glance. they may range in obvious nature from the overt N who everyone just “knows” is out of control, but whom they either allow or “accept” into their lives — always for their own dysfunctional purposes — to the completely non-obvious or altruistic N, who is the do-gooder in their circle of acceptance…the non for profit hero, the back breaker of favors (but only so that they can turn it on us and use it against us as warfare later – with the N, nothing is “free” or done without expectation). there are varying degrees of N.

the most important part of a N relationship is that they do not view us as an actual person. though, it may seem they do. they will begin collecting “data” about us from day one, even storing it for years, to use later when it “counts”. this is different from a healthy person who snaps with anger or disappointment at a relationship gone wrong. with the N, they will collect “data” over time, but continuously LEAK it to those around us before there is ever even any actual fallout. that way, when we decide to walk away from the N, they have built their story lines to such a height that they have also cast their crew of enablers. enablers are weak people who are too afraid to live in truth. similar to the N, they can not confront their own reality. they will sell out their own “closest friends” or biological family members to continue taking part in a lie — which is the actual basis and foundation of the Ns function. enablers do not value themselves, so they can not actually value others. like the N, the enabler has to continue perpetuating a story/lie so that they can sleep at night. because if they were to confront reality, their entire world would fall apart. as 99% of it would be false. weak people can not confront reality. because confronting reality means not only risking, but also being alone.

Ns are interesting as they obviously range from parents to friends and everything in between. but it is never just by happenstance that we find ourselves in a fake relationship — with a N. a relationship that, no matter it’s origin, is built to SERVE in some way the N. the most important aspect of a relationship with a N is the PROJECTION screen that is used. Ns are particularly adept at spinning things around. because they believe their lies, they make excellent sales people and “leaders”. however it can be noted that they will never, ever, spend time with those they perceive as being “above” them. and, if that turns out to be the case at some point, they will do whatever it takes to knock the stool out from under the feet of the person they feel outshines them. Ns are competitive creatures. I would say that they “want to be the best”, but that’s not really true; they just want to be the best in their pond. Ns do not usually make actual leaders, unless they are actually able to brainwash manipulate and control large numbers of people. like Hitler. he was an anomaly. most Ns hang out just high enough for one to honor them (i.e. they have a great job, they are attractive, they are functional members of society — whatever that means) but never high enough to face those that would shine light on their faults and inadequacies. have you ever met a N who you thought could actually do “better” in life, and wondered why they kept it “small”? one answer: control and exposure. their fear of exposure is massive. so they tend to keep their circles small. they will get close, but not close enough to form an actual human bond. however they may appear to do so; they may engage in a variety of activities that make them seem highly functional. their victims or enablers may actually FEEL a connection to the N. but remember, the N has no real human radar of feeling. it is impossible. or they would not resort to the tactics that they use in order to maintain relationships. the N will divulge very personal details about us to those around them (aka grooming those around them) as they perceive an inevitable fall-out — as most of their relationships end. they will often choose people whom they perceive as being beneath them in some way, either socially, economically, or otherwise. they will gaslight their sphere of acquaintances against one another so that other members of their “tribe” can not ever get too close!! I know this from personal experience on MANY levels with different kinds of N relationships. both biological and friendship based.

after a degree of self-introspection and therapy, we may notice we are indeed in the midst of a N relationship. again, it can never end up this way without first being predisposed to this early on in life. but as we grow and expand, we break old contracts with relationship dynamics. and every time we break a contract, a domino effect of people hitting the pavement ensues — that is, if we are actually being honest with ourselves and doing the work. when we find ourselves in the midst of a N relationship, there is only one thing to do — and this can be so hard and take years and years of contemplation and follow through — LEAVE. no matter who it is. no amount of history, gas lighting or guilt can account for a reason to stay. leave. there will never be any amount of explaining, bartering, etc with a N. if they were not a N and we were “wrong” by pulling the plug, we would notice such by a complete turnaround and shift in behavior. this never happens with a N. once we leave a relationship with a N, they are “found out” and will often embark on a smear campaign — big or small, depending on who the person is that left them in the first place! there is a great video about this by a woman who specifies in N and their desperate smear campaigns: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUuK6hDakW4

when we finally see through the smoke and mirrors, we begin to reflect on the entire relationship with the N. even after we leave it. because it is such a mind trick. I suggest my blog about removing the belief before removing a person. no person can remain in our lives unless we first believe something about ourselves. when we get healthy (most of society is sick, by the way, so if you feel like the only healthy person in your life don’t be afraid of it) we begin to see how sick the past was with said N. this is not to be confused with being angry with someone, and leaving out of anger. usually when we get to the stage of leaving, we have already been angry and that anger no longer has a stronghold on us! it is absolutely possible and even preferable to have forgiven the N but absolutely want nothing to do with them. we reach this space when we are in a personal place of accepting reality. if we are still in contact with the N, it is not out of love or commitment — it is from a space of still not accepting reality and therefore wanting/hoping/expecting the N to change. they don’t. and that is ok! the N has their special place in this world. their blessing is that they can wake the rest of us up to our own illusions and delusions. it is not all ugly. but staying in any kind of a relationship with a N — OR their enablers — is a death card. we may go back in time and finally see how sick and twisted the mind and behavior of the N actually was. this can be heartbreaking when it is someone who raised us, or someone who we were friends with for years and years during formative periods in our lives. but, just because it is not easy to see this, does not mean it is not true. it is like waking up to an entirely different reality. it can be VERY hard to accept. but once accepted, the road to healing and bliss continues and elevates.

what does it feel like when we wake up and see the forest for the trees? and how does this even happen? well, part of us “knew” the truth for years. we knew that we were being mistreated, abused, gossiped about, etc etc etc. but we accepted it. because there was something SO OLD that made us think we were not better than that. but the mind is aware regardless. however the conscious mind and the subconscious are two different playgrounds. in my experience, the subconscious is where the hidden, DEEP deep beliefs are stored. the ones we do not have access to. so, it takes certain experiences to bring those to the fore. for one person, it might be as simple as a yoga class that ignites kundalini energy from the root chakra (where all of our beliefs are stored energetically). for another person, perhaps they have done yoga their entire lives and can not connect their deep core beliefs consciously. perhaps, for them, they simply meet a person who matches their intrinsic value and it “clicks” for the first time — setting off a sequence of events that eject parts of themselves they have collected which do not match their value. for another person, they may have been in therapy for decades and one day they wake up and it all makes sense as to what they need to do next — after all of those years and conversations, they have solved the subconscious mystery. so it is important not to judge or analyze what is the best way to wake up and see the forest for the trees. we never do so until it is time. when we do, it can feel like an absolutely deafening and grey space. because when we wake up from the dream, the ILLUSION imposed upon us by others, we are left only with our core — which we don’t recognize, because it has been hidden! our core is our truth, and that registers on a deep level. however we haven’t been this up close and personal with our core before. so it feels…uncomfortable. uncomfortable is an understatement. we may go back and forth in our minds, thinking we are crazy. but truth can not be hidden — so we will connect, still, to what is best and healthiest for us. we may feel completely overwhelmed with the thought of disconnecting from anything and anyone who is not “real” or who is living under an illusion (i.e. the enablers of the N and obviously the N themselves). this is deeper, by the way, than waking up to the truth and still accepting the past or the old ways into our life. this is a clear, clean and cut and dry response to anything that does not match our value. responding in this way feels like we have moved to another planet!

soon the smoke fades. we are again left with the truth about what our relationships have been, and what we want and deserve. we embark upon this “new” life with clean, healthy, supportive relationships. this is so hard to adequately express: clean, healthy, supportive. most of us have never known what that REALLY is. because most people do not have the capacity to be honest with themselves. when we find ourself in this space, we begin to rewrite our storyline. we do this by aligning only with truth, with our worth. when before it may have seemed like a tall order to be surrounded only with people who respected us, that formerly tall order is an absolute rule. we are no longer persuaded or silenced by the N voice which says “you are so judgmental” or “can’t you just let people be who they are” or “you can’t choose your family” — none of those statements is remotely true. and living an authentic life of peace, love and inspiration is just the beginning. as we cross this threshold and move into new and “scary” territory with those who only honor and respect us, our gifts begin to truly unravel. it is like a greeting from the Universe, gifting us back the energy and love that has been stolen and held by the N (and, in many cases, their enablers). what is truly remarkable is the creativity and passion and fire that begin to explode from within the core of a person who has woken up to their own reality. we are now in a position to experience our GIFTS. the fog and smoke that held us in suspension for so long (even from a remote distance without seeing the N in person) is lifting and we feel it. and because we are in self love now, nothing is more important than taking care of one’s own soul. THAT, is our actual and ONLY responsibility on this planet. taking care of our own soul and self. all else is an illusion. anyone who tells us otherwise is lying. the smoke and the fear that tether us so strongly to the Ns I speak of here is equal to the strength and explosion of our GIFTS to the world. however we must leap and THEN the net appears.

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