Fear of intimacy, Anger = unmet needs, and How to trust what you feel (and, surprise! I am no longer a cis-lowercase writer).
First, let me start off by saying that I am abandoning my old identity as a lowercase writer. Yes, I know this is shocking, lol. Allow me to provide a little bit of context for you around this matter. Years ago, I would write novel-length notes to patients/clients of mine. I wrote so much, so fast, and it simply felt better and often easier to lowercase everything. I also liked the way that it looked. One of my patients, a writer herself said to me, “you write like EE Cummings”. I was flattered, and I guess I just extra stuck with it from then on. This was probably around 2014.
After some time, it just became…my style. Some folks would say to me that it drove them crazy (my cis-lowercase identity), and others would say that they loved it. It became me, or I became attached to it. Since I always like to go against the grain and do things differently, I just…stuck to it! No one else was doing it. UNTIL, THEY WERE. I started to see, only since instagram exploded, other “healers” literally mimicking my entire writing style. Yes, they had scanned all of my work. No, maybe they didn’t just write like that because I was but…I can’t stand anything that isn’t truly just WHAT a person is. I began seeing this lowercase writing everywhere (not necessarily connected to me, of course) like a FAD. And then, some novelist clients of mine as well as best-selling author friends of mine began to tell me that they couldn’t help me (with anything) unless I capitalized. I resisted. Last year, an incredible Pulitzer Winner writer client of mine who has been SO supportive and encouraging of my work told me that I would HAVE to capitalize my sentences and it was because they wanted to help me find a publisher for my books (there are many within me, and within this blog!). I resisted! Why? Because I was attached to my “style” and my “identity”. It also takes a lot for me to disconnect from what I consider to be “me” or my authenticity. However…it was recently suggested, again, by someone I respect, to capitalize. Like a normal person. But…I’m not a normal person!!! Was my response. And with that said, I genuinely began to consider their suggestion. Why? Well, for starters, because of what I wrote in the first paragraph. If I am turned off by others either mimicking me or just thinking it’s “cool” to write this way, then what do I really care to be part of that trendy herd? I hate trends. So, I considered this strictly from an ego vantage point. Next, when people make suggestions, I do listen. I don’t know everything. And since the last four years have been ravaging to me on every level — basically stripping me of so much, and that would include my identity and ways of doing things — how could I not be open to being a different “way”? I could be.
Earlier this week I said to my friend that I was taking seriously their suggestion to write “normally”. Writing normally doesn’t mean that I have to be “normal” or even less me. Yes, it was my hallmark / trademark (or at least I considered it so for a long time), but I don’t feel so attached to it anymore. Initially, when this friend made this strong suggestion, I resisted because I never want to abandon my truest nature. And then I thought about it…with all things considered above. Perhaps we reach a point in which certain things not only don’t matter anymore, but also…we have outgrown them — or they represent a version of who we used to be. This just doesn’t matter to me anymore. I’m not going to go back and edit my blog to capitalize what I wrote when that was my style, and I’m not going to edit my eBooklets either which are published and written the same way. That was me. But the me now, isn’t attached anymore. The points that have been raised by two individuals who have done more work than I have in the publishing field and literally won awards for it have to be taken into consideration — particularly when they love and respect MY work so much. Like, why keep cutting off my nose to spite my face just because I insist on being “me”?
So, sure, my punctuation could also improve. To be honest, some of that is also just…IT FEELS RIGHT to write this way lol. I won’t do that in my published books. But I will share the process and this “announcement” because it feels connected to not just what people have strongly and genuinely suggested to me — along with my own personal reasons being fed up watching the cool kids write in lowercase now — rather it feels connected to other things as well; a new beginning as a serious author, a really trippy dead bird I came across a couple of months ago with a PEN next to it as I was walking and asking God for “signs”, and more. So there you have it. I am no longer a cis-lowercase writer. I am just a writer. And I am still, wholly and uniquely, ME. I don’t need to prove that I am different or quirky through anything external. I feel confident that my words will carry all of my energy and then-some now, in my current / “new” format. ENJOY. And thank you for reading this very long “side-note” before I dive into my above titled article today.
Fear of intimacy, Anger = unmet needs, and How to trust what you feel
I want to talk about a subject that is close to my heart and experience for so many years — with friends, colleagues, “family” and even people I have myself deeply romantically and intimately loved. The subject is fear of intimacy, and the connecting points as they relate to this subject are: 1) anger connected to unmet needs, and 2) how to trust what you feel when you are in a dynamic with someone who has a fear of intimacy (because they often do not consciously realize it — and it can drive a sane person temporarily insane).
First of all, we attract what we know — not what we are. If we are only familiar with “nothingness”, then we will attract this into our experience. When I say nothingness, I do not mean TOTAL nothingness; rather, I mean nothingness in the context of intimacy and the balanced exchange that takes place in a way that allows connections to flourish. When we are not familiar with receiving, we will often draw in experiences that reinforce this. In addition, just because we are not familiar with the experience of healthy intimacy and receiving AROUND us, does NOT mean that WE TOO will become fearful of it. I have never been fearful of it, actually — despite all “reasons” that would suggest otherwise. From the beginning of time in my life, I have enjoyed making myself as vulnerable as possible…for I have always known that this is the ONLY path to both success, and love in life. I recall, as a 13 year old girl, visiting my middle school guidance counselor (middle school was horrible for me) many times, and the only thing I recall her saying is, “You are so trusting. You are so vulnerable. How did you learn to trust so much?”. The irony, in this case, was that I actually had NO reason to trust. ANYONE. (Except for GOD). My early life was as evil and betrayal-ridden as you could imagine — and despite the fact that I have touched on SOME examples, even if you have read my entire blog at this point you have no idea how bad it actually was. With that said, I suppose that my availability and desire for intimacy arose because I already knew what it was to be destroyed over and over and over again…and perhaps my old soul just “let go”. I’ve always been willing to experience this — NO MATTER WHAT. In friendships, in work dynamics, and in romance / love. With that said, I have had a hard time and struggled to understand why others…aren’t like me. I realize that this is along the lines of “taking things personally” as well as temporarily forgetting the fact that “not everyone is like you!” — a golden, and cardinal rule for life. The temporary insanity of amnesia in this regard has worked against me at times, but never for too long. For the best lesson I repeatedly learn is that nothing another person does or doesn’t do is about ME. Easy to say, because in the moment it can feel so different.
So, first of all, what is fear of intimacy and how do we both bring it in and connect to it? and how do we pick up on it? — since it can be SO SUBTLE, covert, and CONFUSING. Well, fear of intimacy is the need to control all outcomes. It is the fear that at any given moment, if something is not in our control, we will lose ourselves completely. This leads to unconscious and repeated attempts to…control. We do not have to be bad people in order to do this, and it can also confuse those around us since…we are doing it unconsciously in the first place. The unconscious behaviors can look different in different scenarios, but they all spell the same energy: A DOUBLE MESSAGE. And it is, in fact of course, a double message! The double message energy of the fear of intimacy is this: “I need you. I want to love so, so badly. I also fear that opening my heart in any way will eradicate me. So, I will love you at a distance, in MY way, always. I need to stay in control.” — This, of course, is the ultimate intimacy blocker, and it is confusing to a person who does not have a fear of intimacy. A person without a fear of intimacy would, however, bring in this energy because 1) it’s the only example they saw growing up 2) they are empaths/healers and can get lost/confused in another person’s energy quite easily 3) they see the potential in another person with the fear of intimacy and the fact that it could actually heal…hoping for that to happen faster than it does. A person without a fear of intimacy would open themselves so fully that it would ALMOST tempt another person who DOES have a fear of intimacy to do the same…until they do NOT do the same. And this is when friction hits, and yes it is typically totally unconscious in nature.
Fear of intimacy is caused by a few different things. One of those things is NEVER SEEING a loving relationship or dynamic. When we don’t see this, we consider the intimate world (i.e. the fully opening of self / emotion / love) to be totally threatening to our actual life (ego). It is also caused by being invalidated repeatedly, usually by the same-sex parent. When we never feel good enough, it doesn’t matter how much validation we receive from another person…rather we are always anticipating them not loving us back if we risk opening our heart. It doesn’t matter how much they love and give to us. When we have a fear of intimacy, our number one fear is GIVING…anything. I don’t mean giving time. I don’t even mean giving money. I mean GIVING on the level of intimate and emotional energetic exchange; rather, the “giving” is done via a more intellectual-only exchange. This is done so that the giver in this case never has to take any real risks. On the receiving end, if they even ever get to the point in which they attract in a potential partner given their fear of intimacy, the partner feels the block. Initially, this block may not make sense. Since it IS rare that a person with a fear of intimacy will ever draw in any partner in the first place, if and when they do, the other person will FEEL this. And it will manifest as seeming innocuous conflict — because the energy itSELF is hidden. It might manifest over words that were spoken. It might manifest over a certain response. It could be anything…but sitting beneath the “surface level” conflict is an unbalanced exchange — and it can be confusing to both parties.
An unbalanced exchange is the first feeling aspect of a dynamic in which one person has a fear of intimacy and the other does not. It is a FEELING. And different things will provoke this feeling, and bring it to the surface for both people to look at. For a person with intimacy issues, however, any provocation or conflict in the SLIGHTEST will feel like an earth-shattering ball of stress (when, in fact, it is not, and shouldn’t feel that way if they were to be open to intimacy). In a person with intimacy issues, they will use that as the ultimate reason to actually shut down even more — and as reinforcement to themselves that yes indeed, intimacy and romance is UNSAFE…emotionally. For a person with intimacy issues, anything that they can not control or anything that does not fall in line with their binary thinking is a stressful, threatening, engulfing event. It won’t matter how much they actually DO care about the person on the receiving end — at the end of the day, a person with intimacy issues will avoid FEELING. When you ask them how they FEEL, they will respond with THOUGHTS. This isn’t because they can’t actually feel, though…rather it is because their unconscious sense of threat is SO great that even stating feelings feels like death. Again: they may not even be conscious of this…BECAUSE, in order to be conscious of this, they would have to look at the SOURCE; and the SOURCE of the fear of intimacy is always dark, scary, and emotional AS HELL. With that said, the source of ANY fear is simply something that we ALL have to look at. No matter our fear of intimacy or not. If, we want to grow. EVER.
Folks with fear of intimacy hold themselves back in life because the key to intimacy is VULNERABILITY. Vulnerability is the only super power in life! If a person is destined to be a success in this life, then they will break through their fear of intimacy…BECAUSE THEIR FEAR OF INTIMACY WILL ACTUALLY BREAK THEM. This will always happen through romance, and loss. There is no other way — as intimacy requires the opening of a heart, and the recognition of that in another person. For those who are not destined to be a success in this life, they will remain forever closed…doing things exactly as THEY want to do them with no folding/bending at the suggestion of others, and often clinging ONLY TO WHAT THEY KNOW. This is to protect their ego and “keep them safe”. People with a fear of intimacy are not only fearful in romance, but they have a hard time negotiating with others AT ALL in life. This holds them back greatly, and the ONLY thing that can break the spell for them is actual loss. Loss that is strong enough to break and open their heart.
I have a lot of experience on this matter — in all of the ways that I laid out early on in this article here. I’ve seen so many sides of it, but I have never failed to be thrown off-guard with regard to it in romance. Not everyone I have been interested in or cared about has had a fear of intimacy. The ones who have, however, created an energy within me that alerted me to a very old personal pattern of mine: not receiving. Let me explain.
We always attract what we need — regardless of the other person’s state of being. We attract what we need and need to see, even when it is painful. My lesson in this life has been and IS to understand that I am allowed to be LOVED. Not liked. LOVED – and loved deeply. I have been loved deeply before, so I know what this feels like, at least a little bit. I have also loved deeply — even more so as the years have gone by and my heart has naturally opened…for to be able to do what I do for work and otherwise, an open heart is PARAMOUNT. I have been willing to take huge, and even unconventional risks, to experience the potential of love as it comes in all forms: yet it is only from one source, ever. I have attracted great pain only to remind myself, and certainly that other person — if they are capable of understanding it — that true vulnerability and love are the only ingredients to a full life. And I’ve short-changed myself in the past. And when I’ve learned from the past, I’ve drawn in and experienced examples of fear of intimacy to show me the complete shadow side of what I provide to others. We can learn through love, and we can also learn through pain — it is all really just a mirror. In learning, however, I’ve noted hallmarks that are important to share with a person who does NOT have a fear of intimacy, but who may find themselves loving someone who does…regardless of whether that other person ever connects to their block or not.
The hallmarks of being in a dynamic with a person who fears intimacy always come through a feeling / sensing state. The problem or difficulty with spotting these hallmarks is that they are NOT SPELLED OUT. They are not obvious at first. The reason that they are not obvious at first, is because they do not erupt at first; and, the person who fears intimacy, despite all efforts, actually CRAVES IT MORE THAN ANYTHING. So this means, that initially, they will mimic or mirror the template of complete openness…this is not only attractive, but it will call for your full trust. However as your heart opens and so does theirs, the covert battle ensues — right as the hearts are opening.
The first thing that you will pick up on, as an open-hearted person, is your sense of confusion. You aren’t sure what this confusion is, or if it’s YOU. If you are an empath or self-analyzing, you will ALWAYS blame yourself first. I’ll speak for myself: when I consider the outside world and its reflection to me, I do not do what “normal” people do — rather I ALWAYS blame/consider my own actions first. I’ve learned over the years that this is a mistake! I have been told in therapy that this is a mistake! Now I would NOT say that this is a mistake for everyone — it just depends upon how willing you are to look at yourself. I am TOO willing. But, that’s also gotten me to where I am with several completely different and successful careers under my belt — I’ve done such, because I am MUTABLE. OPEN. VULNERABLE. I am willing to be hurt, invalidated, destroyed, judged, critiqued, and I am above all else WILLING TO CHANGE. With that said, not everyone is this way even if they have the ultimate capability to be this way. When they are not, and you sense confusion in let’s say a romantic dynamic or partnership, you as the self-analyzer will tend to blame YOU for your feeling — after all, there is nothing on the “surface” that is calling you to FEEL this way! It MUST be your fault! And God forbid you STATE how you feel…your own fears of being “wrong” or “over-reactive” will just be reinforced by the one you care for…and not because they are bad; rather just because, they can not see what they can not see…and by you bringing ANY of that to light, it becomes the ULTIMATE threat (and reinforcement for them as to why they stay alone) to the way that they have always known themselves to be. Fearful of FEELING. ANYTHING.
In tandem with covert, generalized confusion after a certain point of knowing someone, falling for them, or even loving them, it is at a certain point that your feelings and intuitions will be highly provoked by the other person — why? Because they will actually do UNCONSCIOUS but also LOUD THINGS to push you away; it is important to note that they do not even know that they are doing this. Only a socio or narcissist would actually know that they are doing this. So compounding what you KNOW is happening beneath the surface, you feel guilty because they are genuinely doing their “best”. You may try to blow off how you feel aka what you KNOW and sense…but if you are honest with yourself, blowing that off will only destroy you. On the surface, the push-pull energy that comes from a person who has a fear of intimacy will manifest as odd communication tactics — again, this is totally unconscious — they may fail to tell you how they FEEL about you, but rather be totally comfortable hearing how you feel about THEM; they may communicate with you to your heart’s desire and then suddenly (and for no actual reason) pull back in the middle of a communication, leaving you to wonder what is happening (and this creates a lack of trust); they may fail to define ANYTHING about your connection in real world terms, because that would leave them liable to being “destroyed” or HAVING TO GIVE ANYTHING TO YOU, in their mind; they may CRAVE validation and attention from the opposite sex or romantic gender of their choice so that they always feel they have the idea (or illusion, rather) of a “buffer” in case you disappoint them; they may deliberately not answer certain (simple) questions of yours as an effort to control you (just to control how they feel); they may leave you out of seemingly innocuous but important life details — again, in effort to control a situation in which they fear their “identity” would be lost if you were part of the picture in a certain context; they may fail to ever make you feel emotionally important or safe because in doing so would indicate that they NEED YOU…and this indication is their greatest fear. In each and all of these examples, the fundamental is covert, confusing communications that aren’t always cut and dry enough to explain why you would have a strong or emotional reaction to them…however YES — anyone with an open heart, would.
The problem ensues when the person who fears intimacy truly has no idea what they are doing, or why. Parts of them may know this consciously, but they have been hoping to skate by with their same old tactics and hoping that you are understanding enough to literally not NEED anything from them. Being needed is their greatest fear — and I’m not talking about surface-level need. I’m talking about any sort of reliance which involves any sort of FEELING state. They will just avoid this, not knowing how they have avoided it, and it will provoke within you one core emotion: anger. This anger will show up as confusion, distrust, and disappointment. And, it should — for confusion, distrust and disappointment are actually at THE CORE AND CRUX of the person who fears intimacy…you are only mirroring back their emotion, energy, and state of being. It’s easy to seem/feel crazy, though, when you are on the receiving end of this dynamic and you approach the world with an open heart.
People who have a fear of intimacy will find the slightest reason to jump ship — OF ANY SORT. It could be professional, social, and it is almost ALWAYS romantic. Anything that pushes them to consider another person’s point of view aka empathy is too much. They go into self-protection mode and grip with all of their being to shield their heart…for the heart is, yes, also involved in dreams and desires. The fuel of dreams and desires, though, is love…and they can not accomplish anything in life until they feel that. In this way, they end up, at some point, in a double-bind. OCD and control are strong themes in people who fear intimacy. I actually have, and have had male friends who have this phenomenon and I have observed them over the years. They feel “safe” with me, because we were never intimate! When we are not intimate, NOTHING is required of us. Close friendship with sex or no strings attached is also NOT intimacy or love. These friends, whilst they are and were ALWAYS platonic friends of mine (I knew better!), have shared with me many things about how and why they are this way. What has been most sad for me to observe is their real world history/hallmarks that surround this, but also their refusal to change. They lack courage.
These men that I speak of above are unbelievably talented. I believe that God gave / cursed them with these talents as a means for their ACTUAL soul’s contract to be able to LOVE. And, until they do, they will be failures. Sounds rough. But, it is TRUE. One of them is now in their early 30s. The other one is in their 40s. They are tragic examples of what happens in the example of a person with a fear of intimacy. They are two of the nicest people I have ever met. Yet they will never become vulnerable. In each case, of course, there are two hallmarks: 1) a dysfunctional or ENMESHED family 2) invalidation from family members. Now, I relate to this — but I decided to take a different path and the “why” of that is another article. Within these hallmarks are deep truths that neither man is willing to look at, because it would require FEELING. Their creative projects — which have been in motion since their 20s — never went anywhere. And, they never will. Since they don’t know I am writing about them here, I can say this openly since they are anonymous. I mean it: they have chosen the lesser path. They have chosen a path AWAY from love. Love would require them to feel, to trust, to evolve beyond the little boys that hide within them, and to CHANGE. Instead, they cling to judgement of others, complete know-it-all attitudes, and “knowledge”. All of these things are of course defense mechanisms. And I can see them boldly. Spending time with these men has taught me a lot. It has taught me that at a certain point in life, people truly will never change. I have SEEN each of their free-will moments…and while I HOPED so gravely in those moments that they would surrender and deep dive, they did not. I saw them revert, regress, and return to control. ANGER. There is an anger with a person who has a fear of intimacy that is marked and notable to the outside world. I can’t explain it. It repels the world. Because it is the opposite of love. Control is the opposite of love. Not feeling is the opposite of love.
The men I speak of have every ability and capability within them to actually be different…it’s their free will that prevents them from moving forward. I do believe as well, in each case, given their level of talent, that God truly laid out a strong destiny for them; for which they will each and ARE each suffering for greatly. When we deny our gifts because we refuse the initiation, we are punished. There is no way around this! “A waste”…is all that I can say and feel in this regard. Both of these male friends of mine, I have become more distant with this past while. I guess I learned all that I needed to learn from them — perhaps things that would buffer my falls or heal my heartbreaks when I fell for someone as amazing as they are, but with the same wound of choice. And, it is, indeed, a choice my friends…which is what creates so much disappointment.
When we are involved with a person who has a fear of intimacy, it can feel like a trick because their overall gifts are typically incredible; life often works in polarities in this way, and this polarity can be known for drawing in other gifted people (with truly open hearts). They can be better friends to us than anyone due to their ability to communicate and relate — in an intellectual, platonic sense of course. The moment that they feel actual feelings or intimacy, however, their entire energy will change. They will claim that they are the same person, because to them, they actually ARE; but their change in energy is resistance and it will not match the space that intimacy requires…since there is no insurance or guarantee in this domain.
As a defense mechanism, the mind of a person who fears intimacy will pick out truly ridiculous reasons and details for NOT opening their hearts to a person who does not fear intimacy. One of my guy friends that I reference above actually claimed that it was because he didn’t like the parent of his would-be partner as they got closer. I reminded him that his own family is NUTS…which only prompted him right back into his NUTSO family; for, the mirror in his would-be relationship was just too great. My other guy friend would pick out INSANE reasons to not commit or become intimate with his many female prospects…such as he decided he didn’t like her hair; or, she didn’t like the same kind of coffee as him; or, she wasn’t smart or educated enough: REALLY STUPID SHIT, my friends. I would actually tell this friend of mine that he was damaged. And he would laugh. And guess what? For about a decade he had a “crush” on ME…”if only I would let him in”, lolol. No thanks! I knew this energy and knowing him so well as a friend, I knew that the moment I opened myself to him he would shut down or shut off. It’s just what these people do.
One of these friends developed a fantasy of being attracted ONLY to unavailable women; of all sorts. He would actually PINE and obsess over this, as if he was remotely capable of FEELING when it was reciprocal. This kept him (in his mind, and his ego) safe, and under the illusion that he WAS indeed capable of feeling! Well, he was — just never at ANY risk or inconvenience to himself. He truly had nothing (within him, and by choice) to give to a woman. He also preferred women who could give to HIM…enmeshed by his mom at a young age and devalued by his father and siblings, he wasn’t interested in learning about a balanced exchange unless he could be certain he would gain from it. And with all of this said, he was and is one of the kinder people I know! Just totally and completely checked out of intimacy. Totally fearful. And he lost all of his chances to not be. So he’s a loser forever now. Sorry. But it’s true.
There is a delicate period of time in someone’s life when they have a fear of intimacy, to conquer it or not. That delicate time comes when they get as close as God will allow them to actually caring about someone, and someone caring about them. Due to their extreme fear and control issues, this time rarely comes; but if it does, it is because they are truly being given the opportunity to let go and to CHANGE. When they deny this opportunity, they screw up their lives for good. These opportunities rarely come along again. This is just how life works. I saw and/or heard about each of these men friends of mine cross those paths in their 20s. The after-effects were a life of FANTASY and illusion. FANTASY that they were “living” and “pursuing” their dreams (after all, how could they let a woman “interfere with that!!?”). Illusion, that they would “one day find the one” who was worthy enough, lol. Oh, the nit-picking from each of these men is just incredible. All the while, they have enacted their greatest life’s peril…absolute refusal to see the truth in their families, why they are this way, and how to be different.
As I wrote about in my soul contracts article, with great talent and destiny there are shoes we must jump into and paths we must cross. When we surrender sacred opportunity, we surrender our gifts. Period. I’ve jumped into mine and died many times doing such. A metaphoric aka spiritual death feels like none other…it’s brutal. If I had the choice to come back and do what I have done in this life again, I might genuinely refuse. It’s that hard. People who don’t succeed in life don’t know what I am talking about. Because they avoid dying, all of the time. Fear of intimacy = avoiding dying.
Trusting what you feel, if you are in like or even in love with a person with a fear of intimacy can be confusing and crazy-making. After MANY years of experience and self-introspection, I can say with 100% certainty that I know one thing: my feelings always point to truth. There have been times when I have felt a certain way about something “dumb” (on the surface, at least) and been confused about why I felt that way…until, I learned of course, that I WAS PICKING UP ON SOMETHING IMPORTANT. I learned this many times over the years, and I know it now, with every fiber of my being, that when I have been in like or in love with someone who has a fear of intimacy (but I didn’t initially know such intellectually or wasn’t willing to see it), that the indicator to me is through my intuition and feeling-state. God will literally send signs and signals to alert me to feeling an imbalance that can’t be quantified on the surface, since it lurks beneath it; and, people who fear intimacy are EXPERTS AT HIDING IT. So, the “feelings” that come out of “nowhere” and are connected to seemingly innocuous events (but, after reflection, and dissection, are actually NOT innocuous and would never be handled the same way by a person who does not fear intimacy) are indicators that you are in like/love with someone who will not open to you. And only so much time can go by before that is revealed. Your reactions, despite your past and despite your flaws, will give you all of the information that you need to asses the situation…and the rest, is up to the person you are feeling this way with/for.
When you make your feelings known to a person you are in a deep connection with, the natural response for both parties is to understand those feelings and move through them deeply and thoroughly, no matter the confusion (which is likely on both ends)…but when you make your feelings of this nature known to a person with a fear of intimacy, ALARM BELLS will go off. The alarm bells say, to this person, that they are no longer in control. This will call for them to shut down, whether they “want to” or not. They can not handle anything emotional, and they can not handle — God forbid — what YOU might need. I know that I have encountered this in the past because it is God’s way of reminding me that I have a tendency to neglect myself and put others first. I am conscious enough to out-intellectualize this. And for the record, all of you would-be “therapists” and “psych experts” out there couldn’t peg my algorithm if you tried…I have broken every box, every mold, as well as the mind of every professional who exists with a couple of rare pioneer exceptions. I simply don’t fit a box. Some of us just don’t. And, this is why I approach the world as I do! With open arms, with NO BOXES, and with an incredible amount of hope for metamorphosis in others…if I spot they are capable. With that said, I know myself. And while my go-to is ALWAYS “what did I do wrong”…I never fully abandon and never lose my ability to see the truth. The SAD truth for me, often, is that I am always right at the end of the day. I just make myself wrong for a time, to do my best to see my part. It’s how the opposite of narcissism works. People who have a fear of intimacy mask their fear with a degree of narcissism…it protects them from ever having to feel. While I understand it, I don’t relate. And it crushes my heart to observe in many instances.
The best thing that you can do if you are or think that you are in a dynamic with a person with a fear of intimacy is to cut the cord. Literally one of two things will happen: 1) they will run for their lives, and explain “why” things wouldn’t work anyhow 2) they will level up and run back for a chance to become who they might have been. There is no in between. If you fear loss, then you are codependent. If you fear abandonment or rejection, then just let it engulf you so that you can heal from this fear. For God is always directing the show anyhow. You can NEVER lose something or someone who was true for you. If they were never true for you, they will destroy themselves anyhow. Life is really simple in this regard; not easy, but simple. If you think you are in a dynamic with a person who has a fear of intimacy, you can try your best to get them to trust you…until you literally begin to WEAR their deepest feelings and fears BECAUSE THEIR CUP RUNNETH OVER AND THEY ARE PROJECTING THEIR UNCONSCIOUS FEARS ONTO YOU.
How are their unconscious fears projected upon you? The first thing that will happen is that you will have reactions to things that “don’t feel like you”; this is very different from a trigger! A trigger is a point in which something literally looks different than it is…i.e. “I know you weren’t at the restaurant that you said you were at!!!” — when in fact, yes they were, but you have been regressed into a really bad memory. Triggers are strong, isolating, and yes they can be totally worked through with any partner who is evolved. Triggers are not what I am referring to here, but you may blame them as being a trigger when in fact you have literally ABSORBED the unconscious fears of your person who has a fear of intimacy. You may feel an anxiety that you can not pinpoint — because well, it isn’t actually yours! If you understand the unconscious and psychological fields, you understand how these transfers work. That is another subject, and you can read about it in other parts of my blog. Unconscious fears projected upon you literally temporarily block your clarity, and they move the would-be fears of the person who has the fear of intimacy (for xyz reason/s) ONTO YOU. And, typically, you will begin to feel / fear what it is that THEY ACTUALLY FEAR. I’ve been through this a number of times over the years, and hindsight is incredible. This one had a fear of X and it showed up for me in my feeling-state temporarily (and I even tried to take ownership of it! because why not — I was trained my entire life to believe that I am responsible for everything!), and this other one had a fear of Y and it showed up for me in my feeling-state…ALL THE WHILE, the feelings were unaddressed, unacknowledged, and hidden fears of the person who fears intimacy. Like anyone unconscious, what a person CAN NOT or will not deal with will be projected onto those closest to them…always an intimate or would-be intimate connection. Unless you truly know yourself, you will be doing both yourself AND that other person the disservice by committing to responsibility for the way that you FEEL. Nothing is more telling, or more important than how we feel…
Trusting what you feel comes through experience and trial and error. But when you land in it, God will give you more opportunity to solidify your knowing. God will also give you more opportunity with people who oppose your desire and availability for intimacy; perhaps for closure for YOU on past events or relationships, or actual OPPORTUNITY for them to heal and transform. The only way that either of those things can happen, however, is for you to be extremely clear with who you are and what you know, and for the other person to be evolved enough to listen and jump while honoring themselves (and, you). What you feel in a dynamic with someone who has a fear of intimacy holds the key to you healing parts of you that are either committed to being unloved or believing that you are unlovable, and it also holds the key to the intimacy-fearer being given an opportunity to share intimacy and expand their life and gifts. We are not here to do this life alone, and true love expands all of that.
Anger. When we feel angry, it is because we have unmet needs; these needs may be past, or present…but in any case there is something valuable in the present tense pointing us to heal and providing us the opportunity to heal. All that I have written about here above sums up this sentiment. Many of us have been taught NOT to feel anger…so when we do feel it, it can be confusing…but if you TRUST IT and peel back the layers, particularly with a person who is capable of intimacy, we heal on the deepest of levels. If we express anger toward a person who is not capable of intimacy, we will be met with resistance and absence. Be willing to express yourself no matter what; it doesn’t make the other person “wrong”, as no one is necessarily ever or always “wrong” when we feel anger, but it opens up a space for a deeper connection and understanding of self whichever way the cookie crumbles. Never deny your anger. If you do, you will exist in a dynamic or relationship that will eat you alive. Anger is a messenger from God…don’t draw immediate conclusions about it. Examine it. Learn from it. Anger also rarely means what we THINK it means. This is why the value and beauty of an intimate and intimately-available dynamic is so important. In love and romance, either the sky is the limit or the destiny is hell for one or both people.
Do I think that people can change? Yes and no. In my experience which, again is vast in many ways, I’ve seen it all (ok maybe not ALL); what I know to be true is that someone either changes immediately — and by change, I mean they SURRENDER…which ALLOWS for change over time…and by surrendering I mean they RISK THEIR GREATEST FEAR: intimacy; OR, they bail…they distract themselves…and they will use any excuse to do it. If they bail and they are not aggressively in therapy, self-help, taking action and confronting what they know to be true, they never change. There is also a small window for potential change with these people, because people who fear intimacy RARELY pull in partners or potential partners in the first place! So there are a lot of destiny points and potentials working here. If someone does change, by way of being met with someone open-hearted, it is usually rapidly and drastically…they will crumble (in the way that ANYONE changing or capable of change should) and completely surrender ego to you or your situation. I know some of you may think that this is incredibly binary or unfair, but I don’t care — I know what *I* know, and I’ve never seen it any other way. Why don’t you sit down and write about this in a coherent and detailed fashion to explain it better.
When a person who fears intimacy elects to not change, they forever chase unavailable or very surface-level people or situations. They don’t address their family or early dynamics, they do anything “important” alone, and they never achieve the potential that God laid out for them. They live a surface life. Any third energy that they had accessible to them (through the opportunity to truly know and be intimate / in a feeling state with another person who is available to that) leaves; and so they may not even consciously know for the rest of their lives that they have given this all up! Some do. And it eats them alive. Well, we live in a world of choices. Choices to honor ourselves, choices to honor others, and choices to honor our God-given contracts (which is both).
Trust your anger. Trust your feelings. Trust yourself. If you are in like or even in love with a person who has a fear of intimacy, then there is/was indeed hope for them (and whatever your God contract even was in the first place) by meeting YOU (assuming that YOU are fully available for intimacy and this was simply a destiny point for both of you). But don’t be stupid. If your energy is going into a black hole because you are not being given to on an intimately ENERGETIC as well as real-world level, or your FEELINGS are falling upon deaf ears and are being written off as YOUR problem, then you need to fly. The other party will quickly fall into the lane of their true destiny — or their chosen one.
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