Old Fears Coming Up For Release Through New “Disasters”… in the form of people, places or things
clearly 1st world problem solving dissection here… but nonetheless interesting, I think.. there are interesting ties between difficult life experiences and how our subconscious tries to heal them later in life.
in 7th grade, I had a “best friend”. at the beginning of 7th grade, an unknown person began writing on all of the bathroom walls about me — all kinds of things ranging from about my family to about me personally.. basic lies and humiliation. almost weekly, my “best friend” and I would go to the guidance counselor to help me with whomever was graffiti-ing the walls with my name. we couldn’t seem to figure out who, or why. I didn’t have any known enemies. at the end of that year, my “best friend” moved out of state. the following year, one of the girls in our little group broke down and told me that it was, indeed, my “best friend” who wrote about me on every wall she could find. I remember feeling disbelief, hurt and broken trust. this “best friend” was my biggest supporter…
fast forward, over the years, I subconsciously developed a fear of “exposure”. to what, I could not define. it crept up any time I was about to be public in any way — with business, public speaking, performing, etc. I feared being seen or known by the public. some of this is probably inherent (past life, current life in other examples) somehow, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized how it directly tied to my 7th grade experience. when I was on a soap opera a number of years ago and began getting bit exposure parts in film/tv, I remember feeling physically sick before I would watch the show air. my body would cramp up and I almost couldn’t watch. I also couldn’t read the comments about my character from the die-hard show fans. I didn’t pursue an agent and was afraid to take it too far. the whole reason I pursued network relationships (ABC) was so that I would have a platform from which to present important material down the road…it was simply a platform I would go back to later while I spent time on my heart — my healing and energy work — to then present my heart through film, television and multimedia and reach as many people as possible.
when I established my energy medicine practice roughly 5 years ago, I separated it from my corporate past (finance and corporate barter), my entertainment career, etc. I had been working privately with people, beneath the radar, not wanting at all to be public. I felt that healing work should be anonymous and I was already satisfying much of my time this way. I battled, in my mind, as we all do, human judgement. I didn’t put up any photo of myself on my energy medicine site(s) for the first two years, and I wanted people to judge me solely on my energy over the phone and in person. it worked out really well for me and I was able to establish a thriving practice based off of soul and spirit alone; no human ego or judgement. I did realize, however, that if I were to be a voice for others, I would need to get over this fear…as I was eventually going to be public whether I liked it or not. I hadn’t yet realized how my subconscious (i.e. fear of being public) was reacting to such an old event that took place in the 7th grade…
earlier this year a woman became obsessed with me – as in she couldn’t call, text or email me enough. nothing was enough. out of hundreds of people I have seen for sessions over the years, this one was off the charts. I had battled my intuition on even accepting her into my life in the first place, as I spent days considering whether to meet her in person on or not. I truly wanted to help her and others, but I was always very smart about who to not attempt to help – so many people are looking for not only someone to blame, but for the next victim of their own disturbed consciousness. given that I had never encountered this prior, I felt safe and protected from all people and things (and, I was right! though it didn’t appear this way initially). when she subsequently went to town on me in a variety of publicly slanderous, preposterous, odd, sadly comedic and yet hurtful ways, it all made sense — she was the 12 year old girl I had become so shell-shocked by so long ago!; she was living her out for me so that I could release an old, no longer relevant fear within. what a huge lightbulb moment. as she spent weeks campaigning against me in a variety of ways, I began to see how this very old energy had lived and breathed inside of me. it was a deeply rooted subconscious energy I didn’t realize was there until it was gone! this deeply unhinged person had done me the biggest favor I could receive in such an ugly cloak; she became my old fear and released it from within me.
none of us enjoys moving through an old process, but it is interesting how an old process will come up to liberate us. what I felt, and have been able to feel, is a huge space that was previously occupied by unnecessary fear or sadness. we shall never judge or discount the negative behavior of others or relative circumstances in our lives — far more often than not, they are weeding out old and dead roots that don’t need to litter our beautiful garden. when faced with this we must breath deeply and look for the analogy of something that is rotten and old…see what it reminds us of? what it is reminding us of is the thing that we are finally walking out the door and never letting back in. the new doors that are opening are beyond the most wild and fulfilling dreams. if and when we truly listen, and don’t get caught in momentary fear or ego, we are able to see that every person, place and thing is part of a Universal blueprint and design to take us to our destiny — even when it looks or feels ugly.
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