it is normal to feel frustrated, even resentful with your mentor/teacher/guide/helper while in your “process”
today I received an email from someone I worked with a year ago. when I saw her, I knew she was in the thick of her spiritual awakening and dark night of the soul. it is really hard sometimes, from my position, to see a soul struggling SO hard but KNOW they are not only going to pull through to the other side but also create AMAZING things – and convince them of such. even with my book prerequisites and follow-up, a person usually struggles for a time before everything gels. each person is different in terms of how they view or experience this process, and that is the point of this blog post.
my patient mentioned in her email to me that she felt, at times after her session, frustrated in her process and upset toward me. obviously, those feelings are just distractions from the ego (not the person) which fears it own death and needs a target to point at. I applaud her so much for being able to be real and honest – clearly a sign of her awakened self. now, completely on the other side of her darkness and quoting my very first email to her (which she initially had trouble integrating and believing), she thanked me and completely validated our session together just one year ago. not only is she in the place I knew she would be, quite frankly it is even better than I anticipated! it feels magical to me. I also know that there is likely future mutual purpose between us that would be so powerful – this is the gift that keeps on giving when I select people to work with, as I see so many future pioneers of greatness (even when they are on their physical or metaphoric death beds when we meet).
I knew/know how she felt/feels, because there were times during my dark journeys when I would have some kind of therapy session or intuitive session with someone who was actively helping me from their heart, and I felt tempted to become aggravated with them when something didn’t line up in the timely manner I wanted it to. at times, it was easier to believe that they were telling me what I wanted to hear versus telling me the “truth”. I have records of a session or two with an intuitive helper of mine who told me explicitly what I now know: “you are in the darkest period of your life. you are here and you are coming out the other side. you are coming out the other side so that you can attract others in the same position and show them the way”. at the time, it sounded nice, but I didn’t fully believe it. it sounded, in fact, idealistic and so very far from where I was emotionally and psychologically. it was during a period of time when I couldn’t feel my own soul. I felt totally lost. I remember feeling annoyed with the reading at times, because in my ego’s mind I thought “well, then where is my stuff!?”. at times I wanted to yell at her (she would have yelled right back though, this was a take-no-shit woman!). it was a short time after, maybe a few months or maybe a year, when it all began to make sense. I looked back and felt badly for the energy I unintentionally sent in the direction of my helper, who saw what I could not see for myself. I did not know or understand the weight that I might have placed upon the shoulders of my helper, because I saw her as invincible/strong/complete. she was/is just a human, though. it wasn’t an email that I sent that may have added to her weight, but more so the energy I sent her way, praying she would help unburden me. I prayed for anyone to unburden me (I talk about this in my post about spiritual awakening and the dark night of the soul)! she ended up getting cancer, maybe because she gave too much, or maybe that was her body’s way of simply healing itself (when I work with cancer cases I usually see a being that is in a state of HEALING, not of sickening, as counter-intuitive as that may sound)…and thankfully she made it through and has been in remission for a while.
[as a sidenote: healers, intuitives and the like should be respected in the same vein as a traditional doctor, psychologist or lawyer in terms of time, hourly fees, and so on – and they are in no way responsible for our process or our free will! many people I see are extremely careful to ask about boundaries and intuitively respect them long before I would ever need to draw them. I am fortunate to attract a really conscientious group of people to my practice. somehow, healers seem to be generally less respected for their personal and professional time and boundaries; I know that in the not too distant future, that will cease to be the case as many legitimate healers and the profession of a healer become as mainstream as doctors. I know this because the number of doctors, scientists and mental health care professionals I see is staggering. two worlds are about to merge…]
now, I gladly but also consciously carry the burdens of ALL those I work with, past and present. I’m working with a format (born out of my own likes/dislikes I experienced with helpers along the way, and also just my own unique self-expression) that I have never seen anyone else work with, especially in terms of the amount of TIME I spend – and this puts me in a tremendous position of energetic vulnerability. which I sign up for. because I know I can handle it. I know I can handle it because I know both sides. when someone is sending me energy of resentment or anger, it allows me to feel more compassion for them because I KNOW they will make it through just like I did. I work very hard to keep my energy as high as it can possibly be so that nothing that does not belong to me can affect me – I can observe it, but it can not get in. I can still acutely observe it, though, and this is why I wanted to write this post having been on both sides.
if you are in a process and you are working with someone, have worked with someone, or will work with someone, know that you will still have to walk your own walk. just because you may not see the yellow brick road in its entirety in front of you the next day or week or month does not mean someone did not tell you the truth or give you the best advice possible. it means that you are being taught how to trust the divine. none of us ever gets a shortcut. if you feel frustrated, angry or even hateful toward one of your teachers/helpers, know that that is normal, too. if you realize it after the fact and feel badly about it, just let it go and send an energetic acknowledgement if you like (a good helper/healer will feel it without you having to tell them if you don’t want to). I have had more than one person apologize to me months after a session because they felt negative toward either me or the session in some way before coming completely full circle with themselves and their journey. the thing is, I already know if/when they have felt negatively about me and it doesn’t make me love them any less. this is the reason I do what I do, even when others are tempted to/do blame me. I’ve been in their shoes and the amount of compassion I have is huge (though, like my former helper/teacher, I also take no shit – there is acceptable and then there is unacceptable). the key to working with someone and to healing in general is to do our best to keep the focus upon ourselves at all times because it will expedite our process, no matter how shitty it feels.