first of all: crazy people do not stop to ask themselves or others if they are “crazy”.
since I was small, I looked left and right for my “diagnosis”; in my teens and twenties I looked wildly at myself with introspection, and that is a large part of the reason that I began a psych degree (and subsequently dropped it, as I found the confines and restrictions of medicine rather limiting – current MD friends of mine can not even discuss the unseen/intangible realms of life with many of their colleagues, and 10 years ago doing so could sometimes get one kicked out of their prestigious medical school). when it was repeatedly suggested to me that it was perhaps my surroundings and relationships that made me feel I was “crazy”, I began, (very) slowly, to stop asking myself that question any longer.
many of us, at some point, will stop and ask ourselves, “am I crazy?”. but, an actual crazy person will never, ever do that. a person with such ego dysfunction does not have the ability to be introspective, to legitimately empathize (with others), to apologize (sincerely), or to self-analyze. a crazy person will never seek therapy, or if they do, it will be only to satisfy a superficial need or demand for external appearances. the rest of us may ask this question actually when we are either A) surrounded by dysfunction or B) when we are no longer surrounded by dysfunction and we are therefore in unfamiliar territory.
I see a great therapist. she is an older woman, and by older, I mean she is in the winter of her life. she is classy, buttoned up, and I suspect she has seen a lot of VERY interesting people (some well-known, some refugee, and everything in between). on occasion she has made reference to notorious song lyrics, sung possibly by former patients of hers, and song lyrics that certainly speak to her whale-like presence of experience in a small sea. she does not use the word “crazy” lightly, and when she uses it, I laugh, because I know it’s unlike her generally politically correct (or what I would assume that to be) demeanor. one week, I was swimming in an ocean of “you must be kidding me!!” – it seemed that every person I had engaged with was living in an alternate universe, and I realized quickly that it is what I describe to my patients as an “echo” – aka “the past leaving”. when we break an old pattern, an old program, or an old false identity handed to us early on in life, we ultimately SEE THAT LEAVE through the most random people and circumstances; but we do, most definitely, see it leave. I felt, that week in particular, as though I must be having some kind of weird regression – or that I was possibly “crazy” (a feeling I had many times in my much younger years, and into my 20s). so I asked her, with a laugh and about 5% seriousness that day, “am I crazy!?”. repeating what I already know, she laughed and reminded me: crazy people do not ever ask themselves that question. at least not truly – again, they may do so only to appease others.
I use the word “crazy” here in and out of quotations to distinguish between two realms of thought/meaning regarding the word, because I am very empathetic and sensitive to those who have actually been diagnosed with a mental health matter, sometimes aka “crazy”. I know many people who have been diagnosed, and I would NEVER consider them “crazy”. because actual crazy (not in quotations), as I relate to it, is along the lines of narcissism (either covert or overt – the two forms are very different yet similar in effect) and sociopathy, which are PERSONALITY DISORDERS. these states, in my experience not only in life but also in seeing over 1,000 VERY DIFFERENT people through my practice, are more so CHOSEN and surprisingly conscious or very-near-conscious states. one might consider that yes, mental health disorders such as borderline personality disorder, bipolar or schizophrenia may be linked to a personality disorder, but the two states are very different I believe. and again, though I have never personally (as much as I tried in my early years, lol!) received any mental health diagnosis, I can certainly relate to how painful and frustrating that must be. so, I could never, ever label that as actual crazy.
what I WILL label as crazy is the same definition as insanity, in a sense: crazy, as I see it, are those who consciously and willfully control and manipulate their own state (as well as those of others). crazy will literally, without fail, run the same script an infinite number of times and expect it to work. crazy will never, ever go deep within the soul – there is too much hidden, there is too much to sort through, and to do so would mean (to the crazy person) self-annihilation. actual crazy is avoidance of truth, and the unwillingness to go deep within oneself. crazy will be the martyr (in all situations that they have poked, prodded and set up to look like such), crazy will be the mastermind (all energy is spent manipulating and deflecting) and crazy will need infinite supply from people who are in some way willing to be manipulated (i.e. can not think for themselves, are victims of abuse, etc).
the next time you ask yourself “am I crazy?”, remember this post. also, remember that a LOT of people lie to themselves (and therefore others), and just haven’t been ready to ask themselves the golden question that will require them to go in for a much-needed (and sometimes imminent – BELIEVE ME, the universe has its own plans for those of us who continuously lie to ourselves!) soul cleanse. and, finally, remember that our own personal “crazy” will depend upon one thing and one thing only: and that is bare bones alignment — thoughts must = feelings must = words must = actions.