do not confuse your *feelings* with the *value* of the person that you feel them for
one of the most constant themes that I see in my work with others is the perpetual confusion that they face when it comes to discerning their (romantic) feelings for another person from the actual value of that person.
we all have unmet needs. we notice these needs at various stages of our lives. some of us move through the motions faster than others, becoming or already being much of who we already are / will be at a young age. others repeat and rehearse the same relationship patterns over and over because their mind is trying to prove something to them about their worth. this is when/where supposed romantic feelings get confused with the actual value, legitimacy or energetic reciprocity of another human being as it would relate to what is good and whole for us when we have or want a romantic connection with them.
unmet needs can look different for everyone. for example, a person who has been absorbed or taken responsibility for a parent (actual emotional incest, disguised as “friendship” or “connection” with that parent) may feel repelled or even disgusted by actual connection and intimacy — confusing it, unconsciously of course, with the boundary-crossing parent who relied on them too heavily therefore snatching their gift of connection with potential romantic connections. I’ve seen this one more times than I could count. this plays into an experience in which a person can not and will not forge deep or intimate relationships with another person — even if they are deeply interested/in need of connection with that other person — and will find endless faults with them as a means to protect themselves from ever being absorbed by that PARENT or caretaker again…except they are unwittingly protecting themselves from the *right* person (as the right person would contradict all that they know about love and intimacy). in this case, these folks will typically chase after otherwise unavailable or downright low-level romantic prospects who offer them literally nothing at all…because it feels safe. the body will create an attraction to the deficit / need that was actually NEVER met…that need is intimate human connection. but that need was robbed from them and they don’t know it…so the pattern creates and ensues.
the feelings that can arise from a situation in which another person is “unavailable” can feel intoxicating to a person who is unable or unavailable themselves for true intimate connection. these feelings (which, again, are wounds/unmet needs/a black hole) will masquerade as “attraction” or hot pursuit of something that doesn’t exist in the first place. I have worked with countless people who have gone through this. the sin of this is that since one can not outsmart the mind (until it learns – on repeat – by bashing its metaphoric head against the wall), as it will do anything to protect itself, they will confuse their FEELINGS (which are actually an addiction to LACK) with the VALUE of the person that they (think they) “feel” them for.
when I was in college studying psychology, we watched crazy movies about really smart people — some of them psychologists — who set themselves up in patterns that their mind couldn’t break even though they knew better consciously. for the life of me, at that time, I couldn’t understand why a smart, valuable person would choose a LOSER and become addicted to them. later on I worked with otherwise brilliant women who were big in the corporate world, but married to LOSERS who abused them in various ways. each and every time — and it wouldn’t have even mattered if they left these relationships since the chemicals in the body would just repeat the pattern anyhow — they confused their rush of LACK (aka addiction) with the inherent value of xyz LOSER they were involved with.
I worked really hard with many people, both men and women, to understand the origin of their “addictive” feeling to dating people or chasing after people who their friends would say “WHATTTTT?” to them dating or pursuing. in each case, they were battling 1) the intimacy that was stolen from them by someone who robbed them of that gift early on in life — in one way or another, but typically by REPLACING a potential strong and healthy partnership in their life by being an overbearing emotionally incestuous parent 2) the deep VOID of that natural NEED of human connection that was robbed from them, by REPEATING SEEKING AND BECOMING ADDICTED TO THAT VOID.
traumatic patterns and romantic attraction can not be out-intellectualized. smart or extremely smart people are particularly prone to repeating the patterns I am talking about here, because they are arrogant about “what they know”. what they don’t know, is that you can not outsmart the mind. the mind is a machine, trained on patterns and algorithms that arise from deep physiological and psychological experiences designed to keep us (ego) physically alive. you can’t tell me that ANYONE is going to stop/consider/question a pattern that is in place SPECIFICALLY to keep them physically alive. until, perhaps, the pattern that they are repeating is SO unsatisfying and lonely that their own survival (ego) takes a back seat to the needs that they finally realize that they legitimately have.
there are different types of attraction, and some of them are “real” or authentic, whilst others are not. the ones that are real are long-lasting and can withstand literally anything — hardship, arguments, personal differences, and so on. the ones that are not real or authentic represent only the ILLUSION of something good but that which we are *actually* missing deep within. the latter can be described as looking back on a relationship that we had years ago, maybe seeing a photo of that person, and having learned our lesson thinking “WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING HERE”. that person can literally look like, or even be, the devil. and like the devil, that person shape-shifted in front of us before our very eyes to tempt us into an old pattern that we didn’t even know was there. we look back and realize why our friends were alarmed that we gave any time of day to this demon who was disguised to us as something else.
attraction is often a trick, unless it holds the qualities of longevity which are separate and unique from repeating a particular void. the problem, however, is, that people who are still stuck in that pattern will literally see things that ARE NOT THERE with regard to the person who they think they are attracted to but who is the void. longevity, to a person in a pattern, usually feels threatening. stalking. overwhelming. in these situations, this is our body’s response to getting an ACTUAL NEED MET — versus chasing the “high” of not having it met as a means to protect oneself.
God wants us to learn and grow from all that we have been exposed to starting from early on in life. nothing is a mistake. there are no mistakes, only lessons to be understood. nothing is a punishment unless we deeply and consciously betray and lie to ourselves. once the light of day hits our conscious awareness, we are forced to do the work to move through it. it is when we resist this, because the addiction to something that we still don’t understand is so strong, that we get hit EVEN HARDER the next time.
I’ve worked with a lot of young women who thought that they had it all figured out because they were “smart” or “intellectual”. they consciously understood many of their patterns, and being naive as most women in their early 20s are, they threw themselves right back into the SAME pattern — just that the disguise from the devil was more clever this time. the test got harder, but IT WAS STILL THE SAME TEST. for a pattern is never over until it is over. and, the more insidious (less obvious) the pattern, the harder it is to break. this is just life. and in each case, I would hear about how they were CERTAIN that this new person was their “twin flame” or some other “spiritual” BALONEY (I do believe in twin flames by the way, but they are EXCEPTIONALLY uncommon and often present highly challenging logistical differences — which can be and typically are overcome — and they are NOT to be confused with the stuff that I am writing about here!)…when in reality, God was just asking them to look more deeply at their patterns. namely, why are they still deeply attracted to LACK?
the lack is the drug. it is the unconscious drug. it is the pull of the body and mental endorphins that FEEL carnal, but are actually anything but…for they are an ILLUSION. anything rooted in truth is NEVER an illusion, even when it looks ridiculous. anything rooted in truth can be faced and looked at head on. in each of the cases that I saw, I saw red flags that the folks were just glazing over (the flags were basically “invisible” to them, because the mind was hiding them so that they would learn their lesson and learn it good)…these red flags might be something like 1) that person didn’t hold a candle to their intellect or value system, but their “desire” told them otherwise 2) that person was an active addict (to any such thing) 3) the person barely existed in the first place — they lived an (unconscious) illusion of life, and the surface “desires” that they had to pursue that person were also based on illusion — which the mind, of course, hid from them. all of the bypassing of these flags was rooted in lack. it was a repeat of what had been taken from them…and what had been taken from them was actual substance and substantial.
as I worked with these people, they began to see that the “feelings” that came up — which, admittedly, made no sense to them because they were not actually “real” — around the person or persons that they were focused on were a PROJECTION of that person’s value. they had assigned their FEELINGS (which were an illusion, distorted, just not real — like most people online!) as the VALUE of the person they were focused upon who was bringing up all of these *actual* feelings of lack/void/etc. never confuse your FEELINGS with the value of another person.
you might be wondering then, how to spot important flags or what to do about your own personal patterning. well, for starters, everything that I have said thus far will trigger awareness if you have the desire to be aware. as you look at certain people who you think you are attracted to, or maybe you have a “type”, you will begin to notice and separate what you believe is your carnal desire for that person versus what is ACTUALLY there. for the carnal desire, when you realize it comes from a place of personal lack/patterning, is a fraud. aside from this, though, it’s really the most NORMAL and healthy things that we bypass when we are being overtaken by our hidden mind as it uses the illusion of desire to trick us…
this is going to sound so basic, but I can’t tell you how often people overlook these things. the first thing is, that any dynamic is a ping pong exchange. I think back to my first experience of love and attraction as a teenager (before my unconscious mind decided to smack me with lessons a few years later!), and it was a really great one. this was actually the archetype and foundation for me to always know what to look for in the future (and I feel so lucky to have had it, given my early life experience). the analogy of a ping pong exchange was for real; he would call me, I would answer. he would ask me out, I would go. we had amazing conversations that didn’t seek to fill some deep void, but rather expanded more of who each of us was. we didn’t trauma bond. he laid out his rules (he told me when he asked me out on our first date, that if I said yes, then I was not going out with any other guys!), and later on when I knew what mine were, I laid them out too (keep your anger in check, watch how you say things to me). when I didn’t hear from him, I didn’t pine over it and lose myself in shame, rather I focused instead on what might be bringing up those feelings…and they rarely came up because he was consistent. consistency is the hallmark of a healthy exchange. but since most people are used to drama and chaos, they become MORE attracted to people who ignore them. this isn’t normal. I mean, it’s common, but it’s not healthy, and it has zero longevity. I learned this much later on with someone else as it was my destiny to do so and heal old patterns that I didn’t even know were there. not everyone has to heal such a pattern, though, in a relationship with another person. some people are really simply capable of or, even, just destined, to not have to work this through in such a way with another being. besides consistency, we shared the same values. this meant that no matter what happened between us, that values were the glue. a lot of people don’t even know or look for what someone else values. do you know what “values” the psychopath you were pining over holds? probably not, because it would disrupt the illusion of your desire for them. beyond values we had goals. this is another unbreakable. goals, though they may change or redefine themselves over time, are connected to a sense of core/being while we are on this planet. they are timeless. when we are connected to our goals, we are connected to who we are. when we are connected to who we are, and we know who we are, we are much more capable of sustaining balance within ourselves and that other person. it is amazing how many times folks overlook or seek to bypass noting consistency, values, and goals when it comes to the object of their supposed desire. and the truth is, many people are just floating through life looking for their next grift. it’s one thing to float through life (I feel actually as though I’ve done it a lot — but I always had a new/goal in mind!), and it’s another thing to form identity based off of the world around us versus connecting to an eternal intangible within ourself (I believe this is a true and current epidemic at this moment — particularly with young women).
when we stray from the analogy of a ping pong match, we are attracted to a dysfunctional situation. for the reasons, of course, that I outlined way above. this should be the most obvious hallmark of a healthy dynamic and so many people miss it. if someone stops hitting that ball, then the game is over. when I hear of people re-serving that ball over and over and over again, and no one is hitting back, it’s not a cute situation — it means that the supposed object of your desire is playing a game, or you are playing one with yourSELF because you are being shown that this (absent) person has now been confused with what you BELIEVE that you feel about them. the real question is, why are you attracted to lack/absence? and if you were to actually peel back this lack/absence, I bet you would be horrified at what you see and you would literally no longer be attracted to this person! (I hear this like clockwork when people wake up!).
when the dynamic is healthy, such as the one I refer to from my youth, the feelings that we have for that person are a reflection of the way that we are supposed to feel about OURSELVES. in fact, they ARE a reflection of how we feel about ourselves (no matter the dynamic, good or bad). when the dynamic is unhealthy, the feelings that we have are a reflection of what we need to HEAL (and GET RID OF).
it’s amazing how people can shape-shift right before our eyes depending upon where we are at emotionally and psychologically. and, there is literally no formula for this! I know 20 year olds who truly have it together and figured out…they have moved at the speed of light (I am convinced that a certain part of the newer generations are exceptional and have psycho-spiritual gifts not yet mass publicly displayed) and transmuted wounds that would take another person 30 years to move through; and I know 40 year olds who are JUST NOW waking up to their dysfunctional patterns and working through them. it’s fine in either case, there is never judgement…only patterning. but the shape-shifting aspect is incredible for when we are willing/able to see truth, we see what has been behind any of the illusions that our mind and ego created for us to “protect” us (aka trauma). the mind plays the best of tricks upon us!
I will touch briefly upon a concept that people repeatedly ask me about: twin flames. while I am often other-worldly and expansive in all kinds of ways, I am also practical as heck. I DO believe that miraculous, unforeseen and wild dynamics exist on this planet; in fact, I look out for them. but I am not quick to project fantasy onto reality. the idea of the twin flame dynamic has been WILDLY distorted by BALONEY, spiritual wack-a-doo woo-woo individuals and communities. it’s mostly fantasy, escapism, and illusionary. that said: IT ALSO EXISTS. here is how you know that you are NOT in a twin flame dynamic, and I did write a bit about this in my eBooklet 2. you are NOT in this dynamic if someone is running away from you. I don’t care what the “experts” say. if someone is running away from you and you are delusional enough to think/believe that you can wait 10 years for them, then you have got another thing coming. deal with reality. a twin flame union is DEEP, everlasting, and often complicated by logistics. logistics can be distance, age, family background, or other complications like children or occupation or political affiliation. however given any or all of the above noted complications, a twin flame union will overcome ALL of them. the focus is NOT on “why don’t they want what I want!!!!???”; the focus is on, “how do we move or work through these logistical roadblocks???”. a twin flame dynamic is rooted in WORLD PURPOSE. you are meeting and pairing because YOU SHARE THE SAME MISSION — not because you share the same wounds, though of course that does factor in as far as bonding is concerned/often necessary. the focus is on WHAT CAN WE CREATE? versus WHAT PROBLEMS CAN WE SOLVE?. of course there are always problems, but in a twin flame dynamic that is not the point. a twin flame dynamic presents simple respect, reciprocity, and the feeling that you are same-page with that person. again, fear around logistical complications arises, but it does not dominate the dynamic. the whole point of this supposed union is that the soul has evolved beyond many of the hurdles that most people face — either because it has worked through them, or because it was simply incarnated in this manner and got to bypass said hurdles. a twin flame dynamic shares a sense of peace and calm, not a freak-out over when one person will contact the other. a twin flame dynamic does not include a “runner” who is dating 10 other people while you are pining over them — that is a soul contract or soul mate, which is different. the number of people who come to me and think that their “strong feelings” aka TRAUMA mean that they are in a “twin flame dynamic” is astounding. this concept has been traumatized by the cuckoo spiritual community which predominantly seeks to thrive off of people’s ignorance, blindspots and wounding.
a twin flame dynamic feels as though you are talking to YOURSELF — except it’s not boring. there is a comfort and confidence that need not be questioned. the trust in who that other person is, is unparalleled; there are simply very few questions about the dynamic, and rather there are questions about “what can we do with this!!??”. there are ridiculous synchronicities as well, but not the kind that people make up in their head as synchronicities such as “we like the same coffee”. the synchronicities will be other things that you can’t even imagine, and ones that you don’t have to fish/look for. so many people SEARCH for these supposed “synchronicities” because they believe that confirming a “twin flame” dynamic will finally give them the control that they are seeking in life. like psychic readings, IT NEVER WILL. a twin flame dynamic is not an unavailable person with an available person chasing after them — ever. if this is you, stop right here. you’re just going through normal people things.
I do believe in the exceptional, and I don’t like how sensationalized the exceptional has become. things which are real are not wholly scary (even if they are a teeny bit scary!). you will not be alarmed and scared beyond belief if you happen to meet your “twin flame” in this day and age. it will simply feel like you are home, and it will simply flow. again, I know what other people write about this subject and I disagree with most of it. so take what you will from this here.
God will throw all kinds of speed bumps in our path when we are being directed around. it’s not a punishment. if there is any knowing that I had reinforced for me from the last 3-4 years of my life, it is this. the plan is beyond what we can imagine. and I am not speaking about God in a fantasy fashion (as many do…promoting and flaunting themselves as “Christians” or “church-goers” or WHATEVER simply because it’s another baloney “on trend” behavior — just go onto social media and you’ll see a bunch of early 20s girls in sexy outfits trying to be en vogue flaunting these “values” lol). I am speaking about what my heart, soul, and core has known since birth. it is why I have lived a slightly unconventional life, while being rather grounded and even conventional and rather conservative in most ways. I simply listen. all of the time. no matter what. I had endless and ample opportunities for “stability” and “power” and “money” with persons whom most people would throw themselves at because it meant “safety” and a sure thing. I said no, because something inside of me said no. and yes, I did often wonder why I was made this way. friends thought I was nuts to give up “opportunities” that could easily set me up for life and with a young family. but I knew they were tests from God. and I am certain that I was not self-sabotaging or in some state of denial of my needs/wants/desires. as much as I’ve gone through in life, I always know who I am and what I want. ALWAYS.
everything in life is a circle. no matter where you are on the map — and age is really irrelevant from this because it’s just a measure of time whereas the infinite / divine has no time — each dot is a point of transcendence; of something you can not see into something that you can see. we each have different purposes at different times, and sometimes those purposes align. the most important thing is that we trust God’s plan, and understand our own interpretation of that plan…the plan we are projecting into our daily reality. the best way to do this is to honor yourself. don’t sell out. be aware of your human propensities toward darkness, and observe and work through them. if you don’t succumb to them/weakness, the path will feel hard in spurts but ultimately be easier. it is like this in love and attraction, and the value of knowing WHAT you are actually looking at and how/why you are responding to it is priceless.
never confuse your feelings that you think you have or even do have about another person, with that person’s actual value. for if they are bad for you, the feelings reflect an old void and wounds to be filled/healed; and for if they are good for you, the feelings that you have reflect your OWN value.
to contact me about working together, please thoroughly read this section of my website first and then leave a message on the business line at 917.985.1221.
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