why we are waiting to be perfect before doing xyz

photo by Pia Oyarzun

this morning I woke up and read the lovely Juliet Tang’s recent article here on twitter. it inspired this post here.

most of my life, I have been waiting. now, a lot of that IS in fact my understanding and intuition of divine timing. I have been forced to learn to be patient. but, some of that, is waiting for some part of me or my life to be perfect before doing something.

what is interesting to me, is that this pattern did not present itself in my life at ALL in my 20s or prior. I wasn’t focused on perfection at all. in fact, I was a total underachiever. I think I was dealing with SO much internally, that all I wanted was to live in the moment. and that girl I was, well, she did a fabulous job at living in the moment! all she wanted was OUT of anything that was unhappy, volatile or sad. she traveled alone, she moved around alone, and she was fierce and fearless. she probably went to too many nightclubs and drank too much too often, but she lived in the moment. she wasn’t concerned about leaving the house without a manicure pedicure wax hair color or having hit the gym that week. she just…did. all of the time. this, of course, had is hazards, but for the most part, it was beautiful because she was so PRESENT in her behavior. I recognize that a lot of that was also the brain’s way of detaching from and avoiding serious psychological and other trauma. so, it had its benefits and also its setbacks.

I noticed a switch at the end of my 20s. I’m not sure of the day it began, but I remember being on an important phone call with a very close friend of mine since my early days on this planet. I was about to turn 27. I had been to every nightclub, I had gone to all of the stupid parties, I had always acted IN the moment. I never really thought about the future, even though I KNEW I had a long-term plan, if that even makes sense. my friend in that phone conversation suggested to me that I stop socializing and focus on what I wanted to create in life. this felt difficult to me, because I was always GOING — going and going and going. clearly distracting myself from things I didn’t want to process, but I was unconscious about that part. so, I took his advice. that is the one thing about me, the person I was, and the person that I am today: when someone I respect gives me advice, I TAKE IT. and run with it. my body and mind recognize truth and I integrate it as fast as possible. so I stopped chasing a moment socially. I turned inward. I continued to do all of the things that brought me to where I am now, and they certainly expedited my journey because I was finally LISTENING to my inner most self. yes, I did miss picking up and leaving on a whim to go somewhere to just “live” in the moment. but I had done that already. as I went inward, somewhere along the lines I also forgot to live in the way that I used to be so good at. in some ways, it was absolutely necessary and part of my process. but there needed to be some balance. the merging of my old world and that new world took a lot of time and awareness. I was afraid of being so carefree that I would be irresponsible and forget my mission. but, I also realized that I had become a fraction of that “alive” person I once was. where was the balance?

I realized the last few years that I have often been waiting to be “perfect” before doing xyz. it’s been an odd realization, because the “me” that I was for so many years did NOT give a flock! I mean, truly not at all. I never had a plan, I always went with the moment, I didn’t care what I wore to parties or events, I was always just ME. but the most recent me, in these past few years seemed to be holding back. and then it hit me that…we don’t get younger. and that started to freak me out.

so, why? why would I wait to be perfect? for the same reasons that we all hold off on things: fear of something. for me, there have been various fears. and some of them are so, so stupid to me. for example: I would hold off on going on a date because I hadn’t touched up my hair color or cut it and I didn’t feel on point. or I didn’t have time to get a wax or pedicure in the summer. are these actual reasons for not going on a date? or, was I not doing those things because I was afraid that my life would maybe be “too perfect” because then I would have to move forward if I did them? it can be very chicken and egg at times. I also noticed that I was “waiting” to do certain things until I moved residences, or until I properly decorated my residence. until I cleaned my windows. so then I wouldn’t clean my windows. so then I had an excuse not to go and do something, because I had to clean my windows. but then I wouldn’t. LOL! I know I am resonating with many of you here. when I moved into my last apartment which had a working fireplace, I waited like 2 years to get a proper screen for it – so instead I blocked it off with a mirror. every day, I would look at the mirror, and wonder “when” I would get a proper screen for it. in some way, it felt like an excuse for me to hold myself back from moving forward. and it was, indeed, a metaphor. part of me, somewhere, was waiting for either myself or “things” to be perfect before doing things – both big things, and small things.

I would hold off on joining community events like museums and gatherings “because of xyz”. it was always a subconscious excuse just to not live my best life. deep down, I was waiting to be, in some way, more perfect so that I would be accepted at those events. which sounds so crazy, because the rational and logical part of me KNEW I was perfect the way I was. I’m not going to go into the mechanics of the unconscious subconscious and conscious minds here, because that is not what this post is about, but this “waiting game” thing does work on all levels of our consciousness.

on a day-to-day basis, I still find myself waiting. despite all of my actual rapid and tangible movement in the outer world. and the reason is typically from a place of not feeling perfect enough to do something. my mind will create reasons as to why right now is not the right time to go to a retreat I want to go to. my mind will create reasons as to why I should not finish writing more books right now. my mind will create reasons as to why I should not enjoy my day at the park, because I have not solved enough problems for the people I have worked with for the day.

all of these reasons, these reasons for waiting, are excuses to prevent ourselves from being as happy as we can be. in my earlier years, before the time of my “switch-over” late 20s, I was so desperate to leave unhappiness that my mind dissociated from anything that remotely resembled unhappy. but, I was able to live in the moment. of course that is not sustainable though, that kind of dissociation, and so I chose to integrate all of my imminently integrated psychological worlds. but if we do that for too long — ponder, deep-think, reflect, and that is ALL we do — we miss out on the present-tense child-like states we once had. as we become conscious and “wake up”, and we realize that we can not dissociate the way that we did when we are younger, it just takes more work and introspection to bring that healthy child-like piece BACK. we need BOTH parts of ourselves. not one or the other. and so, on a daily basis, I wake up and write down what I am avoiding doing that day. what am I putting off? who am I putting off meeting? why? the excuse of not being good enough in some way or ready enough is really just our personal way of being afraid of our personal power. this post is not about WHY we are afraid of our personal power, and I can elaborate on that concept in another one. I have elaborated on that concept in other posts. but consider the bottom line: are you waiting to be perfect in order to do xyz? why?

remember your best moments in life? you were probably ALWAYS unprepared for them. I remember one year, during my many year stretch of solitude and introspection. I had been celibate for like a year or two. which probably sounds crazy to most people. but that’s besides the point. this one summer, I was “stuck” in my own head and process. a friend called me and she invited me to a play. I hadn’t been to a play or done anything like that in at least a couple of years. I was definitely in a shell, not “living”. just in my own head, all of the time. but I went to the play. while I was at the play, a man I had a huge attraction to but had not seen in a few years reached out. we had initially met years prior when I had a boyfriend, so we never got together. we kept in touch after my breakup though. this man was only in town for one night from out of the country, and I had great respect and admiration for him. I felt that if he lived here, we would be together for sure. so I met him out after the play and we sang karaoke all night. I had not been on a date in a while, and to say that my lady parts were very Game Of Thrones is an understatement. my legs were a forest, and yet it was summer so I was wearing a long skirt. my hair was not washed in days and I was wearing my beach hat from earlier in the day. my toes were unpedicured, and I don’t think I could have afforded one during those days. to both my excitement and horror, we ended up deciding to spend time together that night. so there I was, one of the most fun nights of my year, and I was a disaster (by my standards) to be intimate with anyone. and yet it ended up being the most fun night I had in such a long time. it’s a moment I reflect on and laugh about, but it is a moment that showed me that when we wait (because we don’t feel good enough — and that was my theme that summer), we miss out. I am glad I did not miss out on that moment.

what moments are you “preparing” for, either mentally, physically, emotionally or otherwise? there really is no such thing in terms of living in the present tense. I think what we are afraid of, is not being inadequate or imperfect, but rather the fact that there is no such thing…and so if there is no such thing, there is a joy that possibly scares us. we live in a society that thrives media-wise on fear and disappointment. let’s challenge that ego adrenaline that keeps us in suspension and risk being imperfect before doing any xyz thing that we did not do yesterday.