special thanks to my holiday hair wizard, Yannhou, pictured here beside me
this offer is inspired by a special young woman I met earlier this year.
for December only, I will offer something that I have never done before: ONE HOUR sessions. these are available to former patients only, and if you keep up with my materials you will likely understand why (it takes me roughly 20 hours minimum to fully explain and process someone’s life crisis or crises and help them integrate all of the moving pieces associated with understanding such – hence, making radical shifts. doing just one hour with someone I have never met is not only not reflective of my work, but it would likely be jarring for them in a way that they did not expect nor understand and it would take away from all of the reasons that I do this work in the first place. this, is why I have NEVER been able to do just one hour with anyone new, not even 10 years ago. there is just too much to explain).
the format for this is obviously different, but you can prepare all the same as it will “hit” you the same way (both before and after the session) as a longer and more intensive session would. you know this because we already worked together. for example; I go to therapy weekly. I believe that the being of my therapist is far more than “just” a therapist. he has a special energy, and I can FEEL it the night before we meet for our ONE HOUR session. it then reverberates for days, as I go over the notes that I took during our work together. one might say that he, too, has inspired this brief offer I am putting out for the month of December, because my number one concern used to be “am I giving enough?” to each person I saw. in many ways, this man has reflected back all that I give…just by being who HE is. it is through my own therapy work with him, that I began to more fully understand not only my gifts, but HOW it is that what people have said about me could be true…in other words, I have been able to see how transformative just one hour can be in the presence of a certain individual. it has taken me a long time to fully understand my core value (for reasons expressed ALL throughout this blog!), and how that value corresponds to my work with others. I no longer feel “maybe I didn’t give enough”. and from that important transcendence, here we are for December!
keep in mind that we will be on a clock. it will truly be just one hour. you may spend that hour with me however you like.
in addition, another reason that I am offering this is because I now have my shooting schedule for the TV Series I have created. I will send out a separate update about that. the brief is, I wrote a series about two years ago (when my world began crumbling down, yet again), based off of the six eBooklets that I wrote in 2015. a lot has transpired in the last two years. it is now ready for liftoff. in terms of specifics/logistics, capital/funding will be complete and we will finish shooting the series (six episodes) and sell it to the likes of HBO or an equivalent or better if it exists. with that said, I will be truly shifting gears for a time to focus on my media (I am writing my first big book, and have other creative projects in the wheelhouse). as I have stated continuously over the past two years, the days of me seeing multiple people per day or week, and now even per month, have certainly ended (for MANY reasons! not just my own evolution, but then again all outside events correlate to our personal evolution). I can’t believe the way that I used to work (sometimes 100 hour weeks!), but I loved every minute of it and that work and time during my life is a huge inspiration for the series. with all of this in mind, I will be excited to see familiar faces and rub hearts in person — beyond that, I have big plans! which I hope you will be part of, and will keep you updated on.
and on THAT note, please subscribe to the subscription link on the home page on the far upper right corner. I lost most of my subscription list, and I don’t pull mailing lists from my former email (also, do not email me! read my former posts to stay updated on that front), nor do I want to spam people each week with updates that they did not sign up for. although I have THOUSANDS of emails in my possession, my work is not about the business of sales or promotion — it is about the business of attraction. so, the only way you will know what is going on is if you sign up for the newsletter (be sure to check your spam! because it WILL go there), or consistently check my social media pages (all of them, in case one of them “gets deleted”). you may also follow my Instagram here.
to schedule a ONE HOUR session with me, call 917-985-1221 and leave a voicemail stating such. this is for December ONLY, and for former patients only. I can’t wait to reconnect with you this holiday season!
I am so grateful to get to work with people of such inner-caliber. working with Sharon was a treasure, and I really appreciate her video testimonial. I haven’t posted every Healing Elaine® video out there to my blog, so feel free to visit my YouTube channel and subscribe for updates there. in addition, the subscription box for my blog is back on the home page of this here website, if you would like to subscribe to blog updates.
every session or otherwise Healing Elaine® related experience is different (including my TEM® and PE™ offerings), and everyone processes them differently, but the bottom line is resounding gut level connectivity – for both/all parties. I believe that there is someone for everyone. so, even if you never see me, perhaps some of my videos will open you to the thought that you have someone out there who you can and will connect to and who will perhaps open a window in your mind’s eye. we never walk this journey alone, even if the other people walking alongside us we will never meet; we are still walking beside many people who think and feel as we do. and it may help to know just that as you go about your day/week/life.
FRIENDLY DISCLAIMER: Healing Elaine® / Elaine is a Reiki Practitioner and Ordained Minister, but is not a physician, dietitian, nutritionist, or psychotherapist. Her advice, workshops, written content, and healing sessions are considered supplementary in nature and should not be a replacement for conventional medicine or psychiatric care. Please consult your physician or other licensed healthcare professional for any physical or psychological ailments you may be suffering or think you may have. By attending any seminar, class or session provided by Healing Elaine® / Elaine, you acknowledge that in no event will (Healing Elaine® / Elaine) be liable in any way directly or indirectly for damages resulting from information, data, classes or healing sessions provided or for the loss of profits through the use or misuse of said information and data, either via its use, negligence or other actions.
typically when we think of the word suicidal, we think of depression. we think of self-harm. and I will say that suicide is very misunderstood, because I have seen and understood “suicidal” from a wider vantage point than many might attempt to / explain it.
just as mysterious as we might discover love, fate/destiny, otherwise uncontrollable and medically inexplicable feelings within an otherwise very psychologically stable person, and unexplainable events or occurrences, we might also find alongside those things – suicide.
there are different archetypes of the notion “suicidal” from a medical and clinical perspective; they can be googled, read about and researched elsewhere. plenty of research and studies have been conducted along the lines of what we already know. I am here to discuss the archetype that has not been written about before, or at least not in this way: the spiritual…with a bridge to the medical. it is my hope to potentially provide greater understanding about human connection — the one we have to our self, within the soul (5d)/body (3d)context — and how that relates to what we call suicidal.
when I was 7 years old, I was standing in the back of a church in New York and a mirror came crashing down right in front of me. no one else was in the room. it just…fell over. it was a full length mirror, and it was propped up against the big wall that separated the chapel and pews from the back room used to organize weddings etc. I recall thinking, very specifically, “shit. I have exactly another 7 years of bad luck. I thought I was almost done with this since I’m 7 now”. yes, I was 7, and I thought this.
the early part of my life is one for a book or two, so I won’t digress here with those details. to put it simply, I wanted out. so here I am, in this church, somehow I had heard that broken mirrors are 7 years of bad luck, and I actually believed that something like that caused my entire life up until that point. there was no otherwise level of intellectual or psychological understanding available to me for why everything was so miserable all of the time. as I looked at this shattered mirror, I just “knew” it would be another 7 years of hell. and I was right.
I was not old enough to make “agreements” in a conscious or affirmative sense, or go for self-help or figure out how to “change my thoughts” — I was 7. so I just accepted that the reality that had always been for me, behind closed doors but sometimes not, would continue. I recall going to sleep each night, waiting to turn 14. perhaps then, the bad luck would end, and I would live a different life.
“just 4 more summers”, one of my “caretakers” would say to me, specifically and intentionally about the hardship in my life that I could not physically or mentally escape — meaning, when I turned 18, I could escape the hell that I lived in. they knew it. I knew it. and yet no one helped me. it was a lock and key secret known only to those who partook in it, wittingly, or unwittingly. and after 14, my life didn’t change. I was trapped. until I was an adult.
when I turned 18, I wanted to run like the wind. I remember my first day “out”. as I sat in my college dorm room, a tremendous peace washed over me. I feel asleep sitting up. I recall being stunned that I was relaxed enough to fall asleep sitting up as it had never happened before. the kind of freedom I felt was unmistakable. I had made it through my early life with thankfully no mental illness, no personality disorder, and just enough of “something” to even have a chance at being a healthy adult. when I finally found my current therapist a few years ago, she specifically asked me: “how did you make it through?” – and I said “faith”. it was always my faith in what I could not see, that I believe kept me alive inside (and outside). I had always felt another presence, whether you want to call it God or source energy or the Universe or…whatever. it was always in my darkest moments that I felt this ENERGY, that I knew something was waiting for me on the other side of darkness…I now realize my faith was and is my PURPOSE.
after 18, everything felt possible. it was like having the lights turned on or seeing in color for the first time ever. I felt like Dorothy in Oz. I was also probably a young child at 18, because I had repressed so many things in order to survive psychologically and emotionally. I like to call myself a “late bloomer”, because I always was. with everything. and at my age now, when most of my peers have several children, I am just starting to think about that. I feel like I’m on a decade or two delay and it all makes sense to me. there are both downsides and upsides to this, but I don’t really think about the downsides. I am ecstatic about my life right now.
as I entered my mid-20s, shit really hit the fan for me. I left the phase of being elated to being free from what I can only describe as a living hell, but I entered the phase in which one must sort through the files and organize them — better known as ptsd. I did not realize that since I was a very small child, and even THROUGH my point of elation at 18 and beyond, that I woke up in a panic every single night and morning. my anxiety and sensitivity was so strong, it was a part of my survival and a part of ME. it had to be. when I discovered that my being and core did not match my experiences, I was thrown for a loop. I knew what I was, but what I WASN’T was so deeply lodged and rooted within me that the dissonance felt crippling. I could see my potential, but my only knowing was the opposite to that. I recognized the depths of the work that I would have to do in order to ever feel normal, peaceful, and happy as I began to “wake up” in my 20s. I could no longer hide behind the red cape that the Universe had often provided for me to protect my psyche as much as possible, as a child. SHIT!
I began by reading as many self-help books as possible. I had initially started with a degree in Psychology at Northeastern University. heck, I had even written my entrance essay on narcissism. when I started the classes though, I felt like they were missing something. the boxes felt restrictive, I didn’t resonate with the teachers, and I also did not connect to the students in these “classes”. I dropped that, and kept being pulled to the creative. which makes sense, because years later when I treated psychologists on my own in my current practice, I saw how many of their creative and quantitative potentials needed balancing. intelligence is not found in books, even the ones on ivy league desks — it is found within our very being. anyhow, it became my mission in life to 1) have fun and 2) fix myself. and I began doing so, both wittingly and unwittingly, at the same exact time.
when I hit 25, I was probably at my lowest. and this continued for a while. no, I did not have any addictions. I never had issues with food. I never slept around. I never used drugs. something in me KNEW: you will only recover if you are of sober heart and mind — you will get through this without any shortcuts. this knowing led me directly to successfully helping many people in my current practice. of course yes, during my hardest times, I loved a good party and drank frequently. at one point I even wondered if I had a problem. I went to a few AA meetings and found that my best meeting was Alanon – the counterpart of AA. booze became irrelevant and as I focused on my goals I even forgot about it. either way, I was at the peak of my beginning emotional mountain of healing, and it just felt like it would take forever. I was still having night terrors, I would jump and drop things at the slightest sound, and the ptsd was off the charts. I experienced tremendous transference in a couple of my romantic relationships, and that was my greatest turning point…
I reached a point at which I never wanted to be the person who I was trained to feel I was. right before we reach this point, we can really go either way — and I totally see people when they do this! — we can stay where we are and lie to ourselves about our life, or we can start anew. starting anew is terrifying. it feels like it will never happen. we get maybe a few years into our “new” life, and we might wonder “what the heck have I done? I am never going to feel better — I would be better off just going back to my old life”…but we can’t. once we begin to wake up, and we make the conscious decision to TRY, we can not go back. I think perhaps this is why some people kill themselves. because it is easier. notice I did not say better, I said easier. and it’s true.
each year that passed as I began to wake up, I was confronted again with a dual reality: my programming, and who I could become. both realities were running in tandem and it was painful. all of my training was being ejected, and I was confronted with the “past” through the present like wildfire. I kept thinking I was doing something wrong. I kept feeling like the past and all of its dysfunction and abuse and chaos would never leave me, because I still didn’t FEEL different. I was doing all of this internal work, yet I still felt…the SAME.
as a year passed here and there, I did notice progress. but it wasn’t enough. then I had to learn something that I relied on as a child: faith. I had to re-learn faith. it was at that point that I learned to be PRESENT. this was a huge gift. because no matter how I was feeling, and how much I felt things would never change, I could at least carve out 5 minutes a day to be present. whoa! typically in those times of learning to be present in a new way, “good” things would follow. more bad people would leave my life (and you can be sure that yes, more bad ones came in! the Universe was not done teaching me), and I would move forward in life in some way — always on the inside, and then the outside would just match it. maybe it was a goal, maybe it was a better relationship or something.
but then I would again hit those moments when I would think: “I’ve been too damaged – nothing will ever change for me”. and this is what I want to address in this post, because those moments were hard. they felt real. I still have them sometimes, but I have changed far too many things in my inner hence outer world to long-term feel them or believe them. and here is what I want to say. the centimeter of thought that you shift or move around even just one particular belief in your life WILL change your life. and it will be like watching your hair grow. but it will start to change it. it will happen in your sleep. it will happen while you are laughing. it will happen while you are crying. it will happen when you are in yoga class or when you think you have hit a new “bottom”. but it will happen. your intention to change what is not yours, to escape the perils of your mind which are conditions that you were FORCED to live in just to survive, is everything. sometimes months pass like this and then we wake up and see a brand new chapter or world for ourselves. and sometimes years pass and we see this. usually it runs on aspects of change, such as “oh my God, I have a really healthy romantic partnership and it’s not an unconscious fantasy because I’ve done the work” — or, “I did it, I got that promotion because I believed in my value and I never thought this would happen” — or, “oh my gosh, I stopped shaking at work every time that person who reminds me of my abusive caretaker comes around!! progress!!”. and sometimes, this change runs in full circle change…
a few years ago, it occurred to me that I didn’t have to change just ASPECTS of my life — I could change my ENTIRE life. I could change all of my agreements. but how? at first, I thought about the years of work that I put in around old feelings (born from agreements I needed to survive upon) and changing them, in order to change PARTS of my life. it was an overwhelming amount of work, and sometimes years went by when it looked like nothing was happening, but then it DID. I knew how possible change is, especially by working with others who have been through unthinkable psychological torture. I knew how it all worked, beyond traditional psych and some of the cuckoo therapists who call themselves helpers (and from different vantage points, I’ve met many). and I decided that I would change my ENTIRE life. and I made a decision. I chose me, and then I waited…
each day that I woke up, or in the middle of the night, I noticed who I “was” because I had to be in order to survive, and the person I truly was/am all along. I began to notice again, that I had night tremors and around the clock panic that was buried SO deep, that it felt like part of me. when I began to see even more deeply what was already there, it was like turning on another set of lights for the first time. I made certain decisions to disconnect from abusive relationships and it changed my entire world. for the better, obviously. I leaped, and the net appeared each time I leaped. but I had to leap first. and this was hard, because there is no insurance on that net appearing. and I focused, every single day, just as I had in my past in “aspected” healing of myself, on refining that one thing that I wanted to heal from. many days felt like treading water, but I kept one thing alive: faith. what was my alternative? we all know — going…back. I will never go back to living that way.
I am here to say that since I began to “wake up” in my 20s, and really, age 18 feels like the first day I was born, I have had to learn to do everything differently and it is worth every effort. some of the most basic things that seem simple for everyone else are not for others of us. they are not supposed to be. we all have different handicaps depending upon where we have been. and I want to say that it is worth your effort, wherever you are. there is always a healthier, more aligned and more loving place to be. and as you struggle for days or months or years on end, I promise that if you do not stop — if you keep working toward who and what you intrinsically are — you will shake off what you are not. underneath what you are not, is your wildest dreams.
we are not rewarded for our fleeting efforts, rather we are rewarded for our intentions. intentions are life-long and can not be fleeting. if it is fleeting, then it is not an intention! it is a fake intention. it is a sham, and we are trying to con the Universe into giving us something. it doesn’t work that way. the Universe rewards hard work. it knows our true intention. and if there is one thing I have learned, it is that I will stick with my intentions until I die. as I do so, I wake up to a newer and better reality each day — even as things are falling apart. and that is the interesting part — things are falling apart constantly, as the direct result of my efforts. if I did not know better, I would be in an old mindset of simply agreeing to the fact that I was being overpowered by an abusive force because I deserved it. now I know that the explosions around me are there to protect me, to direct me, and to reward me for my efforts. rewards do not always look like rewards.
if you are challenged with something — an eating disorder, a drug problem, “depression”, etc — just like I was challenged with an incredible amount of psychological, physical and mental ptsd that manifested as non-stop anxiety and partial rescuer-syndrome, know this: you are not your feelings. if you chip away at your life, keep getting up every day, not expecting anything from the Universe but knowing it will come by the law of physics, you will see what I mean. keep in mind that the Universe has no sense of time and space, so often it will organize events around timing that feels unfair or bizarre to you. trust in it. it is not all about you or each of us as an individual, because we live on a planet with many other people. if I had come out of the “spiritual” closet in my early 20s as I briefly intended to do, it would have been the wrong time. for me, but for everyone else too. timing is a funny thing.
keep moving. surrender to the process. get up each day and just do your best. I promise that you are going to wake up another day, as I have, and feel that your life is a beautiful dream that you only once fantasized about (even while shit is hitting the fan, because I can promise you that part will never stop! the way you feel about it, will though). each day that I chip away at my overall process as I referred to above, old realities fall away and I move into the realm of what is truly possible — the things I dreamt about as a child. related mostly to the work I do now. but there is so much more than where it tangibly stands at this moment in time…and that “so much more” is starting to flood in, in the most remarkable and exciting ways. and this is in a direct and opposing 180 degree turn from my former reality. the only constant that I maintained in order to get here today is faith. faith is the glue from one reality to the next.
maybe I’m not like most people. maybe I’m not like a LOT of people. maybe I’m like no people. I don’t know. but since I was small, I forever wanted to know how I could be better. fixed. “normal”. I wanted to know how I could be a better person. I wanted, mostly, to know what was wrong with ME, because then maybe, just maybe, I could fix my surroundings. I know. heartbreaking. it brings tears up just writing this. but this is real. it’s how I spent my entire life. it is a lens that I still look through, and I fortunately now have other lenses for reference.
when I was in my 20s, I attended many alanon meetings. I remember one time, the group leader at the meeting was speaking about what HER addiction was. and I kept thinking, “what is mine?”. I had been to therapy (with seriously, some really defunct people, and a couple of good ones throughout that decade of my life) and they had asked me repeatedly “but what did you DO with all of that pain? what did you DO with that trauma?”. the looked desperately for a diagnosis for me and could never find one. I was never a cutter. I never had eating issues or body image disorder. I didn’t vomit or starve myself. I didn’t use drugs and I was not alcoholic. I did not sleep around. I had no personality disorder (though I desperately wanted one! because then I wouldn’t have to accept my reality and the others in it! because then I could actually FIX something!). as I sat in this one alanon meeting, I felt like a failure for not being able — once again as I felt all throughout my early years on this planet — to pinpoint my “problem”. I didn’t know what it was and it felt horrible. because if I could just have a diagnosis, or a tangible label, maybe I could work toward fixing stuff. but what stuff was I fixing? I remember leaving that alanon meeting and realizing what my addiction was…bending, breaking, doing all kinds of headstands that I could to fit what others wanted me to be. I unconsciously chose broken and sick people in my relationships so that I could prove I was broken. being around their brokenness was familiar territory, and it put me back into the old comfort zone of what my ego knew best: having my light dimmed, or dimming it enough to be broken enough to match another person. I was addicted to being less than, and then working out these issues in my intimate/romantic relationships. because I never chose a situation that was on par with my being. I didn’t know how. I was trained so beneath my actual value that I would go and match it in the real world, and then try to break myself further when it didn’t “work” – because obviously it didn’t match me on a core level. I was addicted to having something wrong with me. the problem was, that that was just the problem. and so I could not find a “real” problem. which perpetuated the problem.
at the end of my 20s, I decided to take a good, long break from relationships. I was always better on my own anyhow. I could go a year or two without dating, even celibate, with no issue. in fact, the longer I was alone and not entangled in an unbalanced romantic “partnership”, the higher I would begin to fly. until the pitfalls of my early life and training sucked me back into a paradigm that had nothing to do with me. and so I would repeat it again — to prove that I was damaged. so I spent a LOT of time alone. of course I saw all of my peers dating and sleeping around, and I wondered what was wrong with me sometimes, because it just wasn’t me. this time alone however, without the burden of someone else’s unsolved, unattended to, and honestly eternally unsolvable issues, was EVERYTHING. my life became stable. interesting…I removed the common denominator to the pitfalls of my life and being, and I was thriving again…
I saw a few more therapists. the one I liked the most at that time was murdered in her office one day. it was tragic. she was classy, supportive of me, and probably the second therapist since my move from out-of-state years prior, to tell me that I was not crazy: I was around crazy people. the PROBLEM was, I still didn’t believe that (the part about me being normal). I kept trying to prove that there was something wrong with me. and I unconsciously chose the worst people and situations to validate that. it was an old comfort zone, the only zone I ever knew. so, how could my mind or ego adrenaline even get itself around the fact that maybe there was another truth that I just could not connect to in the outer world? after all, somewhere, deep down, I did believe that therapist, and that is how I ended/escaped every relationship I ever had. I only saw my then-therapist 3 times before she was murdered. but sometimes, there are people who say something to us, and it just clicks. the source of the info is so important. she saw my truth. she clicked for me. but I still, myself, was not convinced on an unconscious or even fully conscious level…
as I entered my 30s, I still chose really bad people to be around. when I say “bad”, I mean those with bad intentions. users, social climbers, sociopaths even. of course I would realize who they were once situations went awry. I was not dating these kinds of people. I had ended serious and even casual dating in my 20s! so it began to show up in my day-to-day life as I began to build other things/businesses for myself. unconsciously, there I was, choosing some of the very worst people: so that I could prove that I had caused it. that I was responsible for their bad behavior. that I was the one who was unbalanced, not them. I basically unconsciously looked for any asshole I could find, and these assholes were absolutely fully unconscious as there was not a shred of self-reflection in their field, and I tried to help them or do them favors. things like getting them jobs, bringing them onto projects I was part of, joining projects they were doing, and so forth. even co-workers on little projects or a crappy retail job that I had. I kept attracting all of these users losers and plain clothed assholes. I resigned to the fact that again, it must just be me. if I kept attracting this, what did that say about me? again, I looked for my dysfunction. I went therapist hopping again. I found one out-of-state and she was really nice. but not nearly strong enough for me. she did not have the depth of insight that I needed. I felt perpetually lost and decided that I am just not a likeable person.
now, it’s not like I didn’t have friends and acquaintances during all of the above time. I had tons. too many, in fact. and, both at those times and in retrospect, of course I did: all I did was give. endlessly. like blood bleeding from a stone. of course people loved to be around me. I saw the best in everyone. I was a sociopath’s dream. I was a dream not only because I had no boundaries around my giving, but because I was trained to go against my instincts and straight into abuse, duality and danger. most of my “friends” at this time were not only fair-weathered, but they had no core true self. I began to become more and more isolated during this time and it actually felt good. it was around the time of many ego deaths and a death of self that I talk about in my eBooklets. one day a thought occurred to me, as my “best friend” at the time accused me of being selfish…LOL — she was THE most selfish person I have ever met, both in retrospect and I knew it at the time that she said it — the thought was “wait a minute, maybe my life has been inverted for me and I need to reverse everything I have ever thought about myself…what if, just for a few minutes a day, I meditate on the fact that there is nothing wrong with me?”. this seemed like a HUGE feat. and it was. it still is, and I will continue explaining why.
as I began to meditate on the above, which honestly seemed like a HUGE risk, I began to spend more and more time alone. this is around the time that I had been counseling people on the DL, and doing healing work for them, but I had not called it reiki nor had I come out of the closet with my healing practice. I basically began to see the correlation between my inner happiness and the fact that there was no one around me. I felt on one hand, amazing, but on the other, that maybe I could not spend my life in solitude, trusting no one. so I resolved to remain in solitude, and to slowly let people in eventually. after about a year or two of transition to the point where all I did was eat, sleep, do yoga, work and breathe ALONE 100% of the time, I met two ladies. one’s name is Megan. Megan is my dearest friend, a brilliant doctor who is also very empathic and can’t talk about much of what I do for work in her field. yes, the medical community is still like that. the other lady, her name is Vanessa. I met each of them about a year or so after my hiatus from society. I had been nearly a shut-in and I loved it. no one was giving me shit. I had either stopped communicating with or substantially cut down on engaging with ANYONE who made me feel bad. and I didn’t question it, and I didn’t question what MY problems were anymore, for the first time ever, at least not at the frequency that I had in the past, my entire life prior. so enter Megan and Vanessa…
Megan is someone I met at my yoga studio. at that time, I could not afford to go to yoga, so I was a work-study. she was also a work-study and I covered her shift. I don’t know how we ended up hanging out but we did. it was such a new experience. I remember one day, I was feeling down, and she just came over and sat on my bed with me. I had nothing to give to her. just my presence. and that was enough! that. was. enough. I couldn’t believe it. I thought “wow…is this what friendship is? no tit for tat, no measurement, no…judgement?”. that moment hit my gut like nothing else. it was one of my first social experiences with 100% acceptance. I knew right then and there that she was a lifer. I didn’t need to do a song and dance for her to like me, and I didn’t need to solve her problems. she didn’t need to show me off to her other friends and there was nothing outwardly or superficially important about me to her. she just wanted ME. we are friends to this day, even while she has spent the last 6 years working overseas with occasional NYC visits. actually, I think she is moving back soon…
also around the end of my hermit solitude phase (I still have them by the way, this phase was just simply marked with a brand new chapter, and nearly none of the old souls in my life carried over to this day), I also met Vanessa. Vanessa also happens to be a doctor! in fact, I met each of them while Megan was in medical school at NYU and Vanessa was applying for a medical program in AZ. one day, I was sitting in my then-favorite coffee shop where I spent a LOT of time thinking and writing (and getting hated on) and getting loved on. I offered to move one of my belongings for this young lady sitting near me and we locked eyes and began talking. that was it. she met me at the biggest transition ever, to date, of my life. it was similar to spending time with Megan: she wanted nothing from me but a true, soul connection. like Megan, sometimes she would come over and just listen to me, and give ME advice and support. like Megan, she was pure. devoid of jealousy, bitterness, comparisons, and anything similar. my body felt light and relaxed and I didn’t have to try to smile if I didn’t feel like it. any potential resting bitch face was not met with resistance or attitude. she just knew my soul and accepted and supported me. we are still in contact. she saw me transition from the throes of housing court and no food to having a thriving business that continues to expand every single week. she is genuinely happy for me. she did not feel inadequate when I posted about my excitement and success for my business when I came out of the closet over half a decade ago. she will probably read this and definitely give me the thumbs up.
the two women above, Megan and Vanessa, were instrumental in helping me to redefine my personal worth, identity, and NEW NORMAL. it is also not an accident that these were the energies present in my life when I came out of the closet with my work, with my actual name and photograph — because my practice has been nothing short of that same exact energy. my practice is the greatest blessing in my life (besides my cat). ha. my practice is everything, and even when I get scared about getting “bigger” and saying “yes” to being “out there” publicly, I know that nothing — nothing — can damage what it is. because it is me. my internal being. all of it. with all of this said, it became easier and easier for me to work on my “problem” — which was, figuring out what my “problem” is…
although my practice was and is the ultimate dream come true, something I give and take the ultimate form of inner peace from, I was still encountering pure assholes in my day-to-day life in acquaintanceships and people whom I kept trying to help. I write about the technical aspects of this in my eBooklet about why we are attacked. so I had totally licked the romantic part of my life, and the “never ever again” moment that I had in my 20s has never been again, but I was still coming up against old familiar responses in the general outer world. and, like a chicken-egg snafu, either choosing people or being chosen by people to help and then get stomped on. the old unconscious patterning of being convinced that it MUST be something that I was/am doing ensued again. and so last year, when I decided that because everything was going SO right in my life and I wanted support as I crescendoed — with a new therapist — I decided I would go back to addressing my “problem”: trying to find out what was wrong with me based on others’ reactions. you would think I would have had that figured out already, right?
well, in a sense I DID have it figured out. I DO have it figured out. I know this on a strictly intellectual level, and it doesn’t linger long when I’m in the “problem”. but it’s something that I would like to be rid of forever, and know FULLY on an emotional and even newly unconscious level. and recently I got there. and that is not easy, as my adrenaline has been running on the same fuel of BLAME and guilt since the day I was born.
over the past year, and this past year of 2017 specifically, something happened. not only did I begin therapy consistently, but I attracted more Megan’s and Vanessa’s — in my personal and career sector. nevermind my practice and my patients, that/those are DIVINE. but my ME life — what I want, where I want to go, who I am, etc. those who are helpful to reflecting back my core, my truth and my value. those who want to help ME, and see ME succeed. what also happened, as a compliment to having these NEW people around me, is that I had a healthy and powerful sounding board for my understanding of self and those entering my field. so when my lifelong “problem” popped up (I will tell you again below what it was/is!), there was an army of sound, sane, wonderful people around to keep me on track.
my “problem” has been a rather intense reaction from others. my entire life. it’s separate from me having been a rescuer or saver or God complex individual in romantic partnerships or past friendships. something that plagues me, nearly daily, is unwanted responses from others around me. these others are not usually strangers, but they are not always friends either. they are people I see on a regular basis in passing. who just can’t figure me out. and for some reason it’s important to them to figure me out. you know how it goes: people generally do not like what they can’t understand. they are also people/3rd parties that I meet as significant others or what not to people I have a connection to. or, they are acquaintances that I have tried to help and inspire. not friends, and not patients: but present enough to notice. in short: they just don’t like me. for no valid reason in particular (I’m finding out). my entire life, and up until this year, I have been hypervigilant to accommodate someone’s response before they respond (PTSD much?). I have been hypervigilant to smile, mirror, or do whatever so someone would not feel whatever it is they feel around me. I have been pathologically apologetic. to avoid my “problem” — other’s reactions. but we know that’s not been the real problem. the real problem is the fact that I still believed that there was something that I was doing to illicit said response or behavior from someone else. this was my glue. the ego adrenaline in my DNA that said “if you don’t blame yourself you will die”. because that is how I began and lived my entire life. and I am excellent at helping others through my work who have been in the same position. and I can explain it all intellectually, like any of us can, but living there full-time has been a challenge in terms of really, truly and 100% believing and feeling that my very presence is not defunct.
so yesterday when I went to therapy, I had like 5 real-time debbie downer examples to share with her about the insanity I was experiencing with other people as of late. I went in partially convinced, again, that I might need some fixing! I asked her – begged her – to tell me if I was haughty. or arrogant. or…something. anything. and however, even before the therapy session yesterday, I was already on the brink of full-breakthrough into the land of no more fucks given. so before I get into the appointment —
I had been walking with my gatekeeper, late at night before my latest therapy appointment, down the west village neighborhood blocks. I looked up at the sky and asked him to please tell me if I ever had a diva moment. I asked him if I ever appeared to be full of myself or rude or anything like that. he nearly laughed. “no”, he said. then, he told me something ground-breaking to my awareness as to what my “problem” is. we had recently been in an elevator, looking at new rental space for me. as we were going up to view the space, the real estate broker said to about six of us in the elevator “this is our prime unit. it will go incredibly fast”. my gatekeeper told me that I unconsciously — and that he knew it was unconscious — looked up from the email that I was sending, tilted my head (sans side-eye), and just looked at this broker with an awareness that he was full of shit. and then I went right back into my email. and he was right — I had no memory of my unconscious response. my bs radar was alive and well, even while I was engaged in another thought. I guess this type of active radar is obvious to others. well, the guy was totally full of shit and the unit was shit. so I guess I don’t mind my radar and I’m glad to know it is there, and this might possibly help to “explain” others’ responses to me. I will not apologize for my natural sense of truth and what my body does or signals around that.
back to my therapy appointment yesterday. there were so many examples as of late, of negative and unfair responses of others toward me (including those I have tried to help on a personal level — no good deed, y’all!!) that I was again in my old sickness, assuming “I did something”. or “I am this way and it needs fixing!”. so as I unloaded the 5 recent examples with my therapist, we went through every checklist possible and she spelled out what I already knew intellectually, cognitively, consciously: this is about other people. if you have read my other posts, you will see the very first thing she ever said to me on our very first day together, knowing absolutely nothing about me: “another person’s obsession with you has nothing to do with you”. pretty astute, ey? yeah, I found the right therapist.
and so all of the events leading up to this week in particular finally allowed me to unhinge that remaining 1% of me that still believes that it is ME who is affecting others, and responsible for their response: through forgetting to smile, through poor mirroring or whatever the Fuck it is people want from me. I think I have been pretty solid at being unapologetic now for a number of years, but my “problem” was still there, in the basement of my mind. and maybe it still is, in the tiniest fraction imaginable. but something broke this week, for good. I had too many people acting shitty toward me, again for no reason that I could fathom or figure out (and believe me, I tried, and asked) to ignore what I was supposed to learn: another person’s behavior has nothing to do with me.
the crux of all of the above was and is a survival based chemical inside of me. that is all. it is different for each of us. there are a lot of factors. too many to count how it manifests for each of us.
I asked my therapist for a full explanation as to my “problem” again, one that I have heard many times, and one that makes me vulnerable to share here, as to WHAT people respond to with me. and here is what she gave me. it’s nothing I didn’t already know, but maybe I fully accepted it recently. she told me that my “problem” is that I am transparent. that I can not lie. that my face and my body language can not lie. that my energy reflects back truth, like a child, and most people are not comfortable with the truth. this sounds a lot like my eBooklet about why we are attacked. but, just like a first-class therapist who goes home to her wife-beater husband every night, truth sinks in at different times and different levels. cognitively, emotionally, spiritually, physically and otherwise. I think I heard it in all spaces of myself this time. I thought about all of the people I see, in spaces like yoga studios and places where people are supposed to be “awake” and who just do not like me. and I hear about it. and see it. and feel it. and I do not have the energy to get them to like me. because I don’t know how to be fake. my “problem” is basically, bottom line, that I don’t know how to be fake. and my bullshit detector is naturally on over-drive, and I can’t fix it. I also can’t change whatever electromagnetic equation or signal my body or field put out to accommodate someone else’s personal sense of security, and I can’t make myself ugly enough for someone else to feel attractive. that, of course, is base-level 3d shit, but it does amaze me how people respond to physical appearance (I wish we were all blind, that would teach us a good lesson). I thought about the “friends” I hire for projects only to have them secretly resent my success and ghost me while trying to maintain relationships with MY hard-earned introductions. talk about hurtful, daggers to the heart. I thought about the spore of where all of these patterns, across the board, come from. and I decided to take a real risk: stop asking what I am doing wrong. stop analyzing, worrying and looking for a diagnosis in order to spare my conscious awareness of someone else’s deficits. I have to let them be what they are without looking inward anymore as to how I might be causing abc response. maybe I’m different, and, like my therapist said, I may never learn to lie or fake it with my energy field. and if that’s my problem, I do not want to fix it. I remain unapologetic for being the best person I know how to be, and letting others lose their shit if they can’t stand my truth. let them.
I write this from an open and (obviously) vulnerable space. as I write, my stomach feels queasy, because I am releasing lots of final threads of beliefs, feelings that accompany them, and the shitty people who have jumped on those threads of energy. I write this from a space of compassion for anyone else who doesn’t blend, can’t blend, doesn’t know how, and lives from a space of purity and non-judgement — only to be judged constantly by others. I write this from a space of advice, given my personal make-up: be willing to let people not like you — hate you, even. be willing for there to be something gravely wrong with you (there isn’t). be willing to, just for a moment, imagine that what I am saying is true. if you do it enough, you will step into a power few will ever know as humans.
my problem has been and is, thinking that I have one. that is my problem. what is yours?