people will go to therapy or healers to NOT heal – how to spot/handle them
photo by Anita Saini
some people will go to therapy or healers, specifically to NOT heal.
this is a dangerous breed. this breed is specifically focused on blame — finger-pointing, exploiting, and causing emotional destruction of others which they will then lap up vampirically. this breed, unfortunately, does not know how to function any other way. they get their very life blood from that of others. call them narcissists, call them trolls, call them active addicts, call them whatever you want — every therapist and seasoned healer out there has seen them. if you are a new healer or therapist, typically no amount of training or preparation can fortify your readiness to deal with a person who sees you with the intent (conscious or unconscious) to NOT heal.
at this juncture in my career, I can typically spot one of these people miles away — to the point where they would never walk through my door. however, I have missed certain signs (it’s how we learn! from experience, more so than information), which ended up being curses turned blessings. they were curses because I had to deal with unwanted and certainly unwarranted bullshit. they were blessings because what I learned was priceless; those learnings are gifts that keep on giving, making my focus tighter and my resilience stronger.
I wrote a couple of months back about spotting a sociopath – this post will have similar but also different aspects to it. the fundamental difference being that the people who go to therapy or healers to NOT heal tend to be severe codependents, active addicts, and chronically ill (for pleasure — yes, this exists).
one of the major identifying flags of a person who will go to therapy or healers to NOT heal is that they have been in and out of treatment centers (with no growth or positive narrative to speak of), healer hopped, or therapist hopped to no avail. to boot, they will complain endlessly about the fact that no one can help them. this is because they truly, truly — no matter how charming they may be, and how much they try to fool you — do NOT want to heal. they have been afforded the luxury, somehow, of using others by exhausting them. this is toxic and vampiric on the most fundamental level because they are depleting your life force by their very breath. nothing will ever, ever change or be different with these people, so if you have a history of trying to change toxic people in your life, be extra careful — you are the most susceptible to their mission.
a second identifying flag of a person who will go to therapy or healers to NOT heal is that they will often spend someone ELSE’S money to pay for the session(s). then, they will complain about the cost, or suggest general discomfort with it, or with money in general. the kicker here, of course, is that it will usually NOT be their own money that they are spending. this allows them to continue to be extra unaccountable, and blame / use others. sometimes it will be their parents’ money, or they will be supported by their parents (even as middle-aged adults), or they will get their business or some other 3rd party to pay for it. pay extra attention to who is funding the session and why.
a third identifying flag of a person who will go to therapy or healers to NOT heal is that they will sound incredibly childlike, or give very passive responses or ask very passive questions like a child would; again, they are accountable for almost nothing in their life, and that will not change as they approach you for “help”. adult baby-voice, implied helplessness, etc are cues to listen for. if you vet people (like I do), instead of allowing them to just book with you, you will notice that they sound as if they have ZERO control over their life — that is because they are looking for someone to assign that control to (YOU — and then to blame you for it!).
a fourth identifying flag of a person who will go to therapy or healers to NOT heal will start right when you meet this person, or just before you meet them — they will immediately twist and turn your suggestions into their own self-injury (commonly seen with active addictions/disorders). because they are completely incapable of owning ANY of their actions, their assault on you will begin before your work even takes place. they might insert small statements into the conversation such as “you said I could do xyz (that is totally detrimental to their well-being)”, in order to set the tone of blame from the beginning. this will only escalate later, into full-on blame for any other number of things. for example: an addict of any sort will suggest that you have supported or given the green light to their addiction in some way, that is then in-turn hurting them. in this way, they are not doing it, YOU are doing it, and you have failed them. remember also: YOU ARE NOT A TREATMENT CENTER. this is why I have strong disclaimers everywhere, in the event I have the unfortunate experience of attracting an active addict with a core of charcoal. *note: some of the best people I know are recovering addicts, with the core of love — spotting the core, as in dark or light, is KEY.
a fifth identifying flag of a person who will go to therapy or healers to NOT heal is their abuse of your time and boundaries. a person of this nature has none, they don’t care that they have none because people have let them do whatever they want (often they are spoiled with money, have a trust fund to fall back on, or some other bailout that they have manipulated). they will contact you at odd hours, not respond to YOU when you have arranged times to speak, etc. think of a toddler in a nonstop tantrum – this is the person who is engaging with you simply to suck the very life force out of you, blame you, and then move on. remember: no matter how much time you spend with this person, you will end up the villain no matter what you do.
a sixth identifying flag of a person who will go to therapy or healers to NOT heal is their intense fear of abandonment. again — call them borderlines, call them narcissists, addicts, or whatever (usually people exist in a cocktail of more than one of the above at once) — they refuse to navigate life independently, because they are living off of the fumes of others. they do not care about others. there is not a shred of ability to relate to another human being, or what might be difficult for others. they will NEVER say “so, how are you doing?”. if there is a shred of ability to have compassion, they do not use it. they use others – constantly. they will do this by paying people (abusing employees who are financially dependent upon them, and confusing the roles in the relationship) or creating scenarios in which they are in control and others are in some way dependent upon them.
on a physics level, dealing with a person of this nature is highly toxic and highly dangerous. I will tell a true story about this. a therapist I know told me of a person who came to them for “help” at one time. upon their first meeting with this person, this therapist literally heard a voice that said, warning them, and without explanation “if you work with this person again, you will die”. I remember them telling me that, and I said, “so, how do you mean?” — they said “I knew I would die, physically, if I ever saw this person again”. they literally felt the physics of energy spilling from top to bottom, into a bottomless black pit, before it went there. so, they found a reason to not see this patient again. they then discovered something equally alarming: that their had-been prospective patient’s past few therapists had ALL died within months of working with this person (again: PHYSICS. energy flows from top to bottom). additionally alarming was the following: this obsessed person began writing in blood to the therapist. this was the ultimate act of the desire to emotionally extract from another person — because when someone has the ability to emotionally extract from us, meaning we have a reaction, they are able to feast on that fresh blood, for a time, whether they are near or far. so, forget about physical proximity here! ultimately, though, when we do not engage with them, they run out and find a new source. anyhow, this therapist did exactly the pro thing: they continued throwing out these letters, instead of engaging with them or even speaking to authorities about them. this therapist was seasoned enough with the crazies to know that NO amount of engagement could assist what was happening. it was ultimately either the therapist, or this crazy person — because, what was happening, was this person was being threatened in the most aggressive form of psychological warfare, that likely many therapists would have fallen for (and died, just like the ones who preceded this therapist).
so, why did the other therapists die? my conclusion is as simple and direct as the message in most of my posts: we become what we focus on. PERIOD. when a crazy person is baiting you, the best thing, the ONLY thing to do, is GET AWAY. this will not be easy if you have pride or something to prove. apparently, the professionals who died could not turn away from the tricks (or charm?) of this sick person. perhaps they did not understand physics and became caught in the human trap that we are all susceptible to — pathological compassion. compassion is a true danger zone when dealing with a person who absolutely has no intention of healing (despite what they tell you, OR themselves), and you must extract yourself at all costs. knowing the difference between a tough case such as a good but suffering soul, and an intrinsically inconsolable and pathologically dark soul, is very, very important. fortunately, I have dealt with enough crazy people in my life to spot the difference. no amount of threats, extortion attempts or otherwise could get me to engage with this energy. those therapists died because they had something to prove — either emotionally or professionally — to themselves. ego is a danger zone when we are working like this. our health must trump our reputation. our self-knowing must trump our fear of what others think. or else, we die.
the interesting fact is that the way someone comes into your office, whatever their initial intention is, is the SAME intention they are leaving with. no matter what you do! they are either there to help themselves, or to hurt you. there really is no in between. people lie to themselves all day long. about many things. spotting this becomes your greatest asset, so that you can spend time on people who really do want to be better.
I have given added time and energy, far beyond the scope of my session fee, to EVERY single patient I have ever seen. hands-down. hand-on-bible truth. I always go beyond what I promise, because I care. and I LOVE to do it. and fortunately, I’ve only dealt with a small handful of (textbook) crazy people. the irony is, when you are working with someone who truly intends to better themselves, an extra hour or even 10 hours feels not so extra. and the irony is also, in my experience, the craziest people were those I gave the MOST to yet they blamed me for something. I learned several years ago, after dealing with a classic crazy (this person sued people for a living, I later found out — doctors, lawyers, anyone — they carried with them to their session heavy bags of legal papers, “just in case” I discovered at the end of it!) that no amount of attention can soothe this disposition. I learned that ultimately, no matter what I did, their intention was to NOT heal. this is how they get their blood. and as soon as I disconnected and allowed them to have their tantrum (directed at me, which did NOT help them by the way, talk about karma), they moved on to the next target, except not so well because they had damaged themselves by attempting to damage me.
one thing I want to point out is that as healers become a replacement for a lot of therapy, we need to remember that we are not trained the way that traditional therapists are trained. we need to find a way to fill in the blanks. for example; I have a fantastic medical/intellectual property attorney who I have been working with for a number of years, as well as tremendous mental health professional mentors nearly twice my age. I see my own therapist. I feel equipped because I have supported myself with the essentials. nothing anyone does to hurt me will ever truly hurt me, even if it temporarily hurts my heart. even that, though, is less and less as I see the true nature of a soul. as healers, we need to be sure that we are healed. spiritual bypassing is not an option here, and neither is overcompensating with intellectual (or other) accolades. the fact is, working as a healer is still unchartered territory with little “evidence” or measurement to back it up. this means that excellent boundaries, self-knowing, and practical protection from what is beyond our control is paramount. being a healer is not the same thing as being a therapist. yet the two roles often get confused, and hence important gaps between the two must be bridged.
the final reinforcing lesson that I have learned from my experiences is that under no circumstances do you defend the truth in the case of dealing with a crazy person, or a person whose intention is to see you and not heal. that defense will only bleed needlessly, into a black hole. those who connect to truth will see you. those who connect to darkness will connect…to darkness. be compassionate, but under no circumstances do you feed that beast with defense. your only actual defense is to take YOUR energy back, quietly and with pure faith. ultimately, when the beast/extortionist/troll is tired, they will move on. and they will be so far under your feet, you will no longer worry about being attacked/eaten/weakened because you have a bleeding heart.
the intention of a person seeing a therapist or healer will always be one of two things: 1) to heal thyself 2) to blame someone else (under the guise of healing thyself). I hope this is helpful to the other sensitives like me, who walk this earth to empower others.
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