photo by Pia Oyarzun @madeinwater
once upon a time, a person came to me with a chronic illness (as is often the case with my work). no doctors could figure out the root cause. they had visited many over their lifetime. they had very little belief in the kind of work that I do, but they were at the end of their rope and had exhausted all other options (as is often the case with my work). the moment I saw this person, I felt the root cause (in fact it had been invading my body and consciousness the night prior). the root cause is always an experience trapped in the body — period. this experience, however, may be (and usually is) unconscious, and therefore eludes the rational conscious mind. for some of us, we get sick to open spiritually. our bodies are communicating with us. at any rate (and you can read my other blog posts for a little bit about what happens to me before, during and post session), I could feel the actual experience this person had in their body. as is often the case, it was an experience of repressed or unacknowledged abuse, but thankfully it was not so traumatic that this person did not remember it. I also felt that this abuse was not in the immediate family, and I pin-pointed something so specific that my patient immediately acknowledged that yes, xyz was the case with xyz persons. I was grateful for that acknowledgement, because it is not always easy for someone to do in a session. which makes it harder to heal when the root cause remains resisted by the mind because of many reasons (as the mind will protect itself from abuse by forgetting it via amnesia, or by completely changing the facts). for these sensitive reasons I do my best to only work with folks when I know they are ready. after the patient acknowledged that xyz happened, and I explained how and why it was actually LODGED in their body, they also agreed/understood that this was the case — despite being a “believer” in the unseen or not. the thing with my sessions is, I am not forming opinions. I’m just…seeing. once we sorted and agreed that xyz happened, and that yes indeed it was the cause of xyz in the body, I moved to step 3 as I always do…release it. now, this is where the hard work for most people comes in, and it can stop them dead in their tracks (steps 1 and 2 are also major track stoppers, if someone 1) does not remember/won’t remember, and 2) does not acknowledge/won’t acknowledge the mind-body connection). step 3 is hard, because we go to release something that has been living WITH us for…so long. some of us would rather continue to live with “part of us” (that is not actually part of us) and remain sick, versus let it go and move on…
which brings me to the point of this post. this patient was in full agreement that yes, something very specific happened and my validation of such was palpable and even their body responded at this point during the session…but they were not in full agreement as to what to do next — or step 3. step 3 was to release it. but how? well, this person REFUSED to get angry at the root cause. the root cause, as is often the case, was a repeated violation by two specific people in their life over a specific period of time. when I suggested that they must get angry in order to release this experience and transmute it, they looked at me like I had 3 heads. God forbid we process an actual emotion. God forbid we let go of the evil that is manifesting inside of us, keeping us sick. the truth is, not expressing anger does not make us less angry people. expressing anger so that anger can release ACTUALLY makes us less angry people. this person just could not see the logic involved. they didn’t get it that they were still angry — even though they were not expressing it emotionally. in fact, they were so fucking angry, that there was a living breathing pit of anger manifest as illness in their physical body. I was definitely judged for a time at this point in the session, and that is a world view issue not a personal issue — that we are “bad” when we are angry, and we are “good” when we are in loving prayer and peace. BULLSHIT. the way TO peace is to transmute the ugly, the unthinkable, to recognize and identify it, give it a name, and decide it no longer belongs to us. we can not and never will do this unless we FIRST get angry.
the number of people I know who refuse to get angry and would rather (EGO) see themselves as “good” people, or people of faith (church does not make you a good person, p.s. — actionable living of what scriptures teach might help you toward spiritual or psychological enlightenment, though) is staggering. they stay sick. they stay in this state for MANY reasons, and it’s often not their fault. abuse trains us to believe that we MUST hold onto the words, actions and events beyond our control. some of us would rather be sick for the rest of our lives, while outwardly pretending to ourselves and others to seek remedy, than to actually heal. healing is scary. imagine you find out that your right arm, which you have had your entire life, is full of darkness and you are required to cut that arm off because it is killing you. it’s not serving you, but it is…sort of. when we let go of something that we have survived upon for so long, we must then confront the feelings associated with that “survival”. so many of us do not want to do that and won’t. so we stay sick. we march for cancer, we donate to causes, but we never REALLY deal with the roots. it’s taboo, or we have a judgement upon what makes a good person a “good person”. I’ll tell you what I think makes a good person a “good person” — an honest person. a person who can be honest with themselves to the point of it scaring them, because they want to live in truth, no matter what. none of us is perfect, we are made perfectly imperfect. and with that said, it is up to us to decide how long we want to be victims, and when we want to become honest with ourselves.
when we refuse to heal, we refuse the light in others to do the same. what we do for ourselves, we do for others — or don’t. when the patient that I speak of looked at me in horror as I suggested that they get angry at the past for a brief time (once you express anger, it leaves, and you are left with perspective — not anger) I realized they would rather choose actual physical sickness than see themselves (EGO) as a “bad person”. this was also a person of faith/God (of course) with a God complex. those with a God complex, or martyr complex, often take pleasure in bearing the cross for others — even if it means they are sick. it’s an identity for them. this is, of course, ego at its finest.
I pray for everyone to have the strength to do the nearly impossible…face our truths and let go of the need to see ourselves in a certain light, as “good” or “bad”, when it comes to healing. we help no one when we remain sick, physically or otherwise. I am confident that the time comes for all of us when we can more clearly see the opportunities to truly transmute the pain we have relied on and identified with in exchange for health and wealth (spiritual, emotional, or otherwise).
people do not heal because doing so means feeling and possibly judging the self in the process.