photo by Pia Oyarzun
as far back as I can remember, I sensed energies. I did not know I was sensing energies. when I was 3, I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. when I put my tiny hand on my bedroom door knob to turn it, another hand placed itself over mine. I jumped back into bed and peed myself.
when I was old enough to be left home alone, I heard people in the house. I called 911 many times when I was left alone. there was never anyone there, but I was sure that someone was breaking and entering. they never did, at least not while I was there. I didn’t believe in ghosts, I wasn’t raised on ghosts, and I didn’t know anyone who did believe in ghosts. I dismissed my senses and decided to trust myself a bit less. there were plenty of other reasons I did not trust myself, either, but sensing people in the house who were not there was prominently on that list. and yet, I kept reacting to the noises, the feeling, the cold, the knowing — I continued calling the police well into my teens, because I heard someone in the house.
when I started to become super social in my mid teens around 15 in particular, my “awareness” died down. I had also become more astute at shutting down, because it was too scary to be in my body for a host of other, very real, physical and psychological reasons. so, after a certain point, I didn’t really think about my sensing of people who ended up not…being there.
by my late teens, I didn’t know anyone who had died. when my paternal grandfather died when I was 21, it was the first person who I had known in the flesh. as he was dying, I somehow knew about karma and closure, and I decided to write him a note of closure as he ended his life. I didn’t know him very well and barely saw him. yet I felt it was important to help him through to “the other side”. one year later, I was visiting my grandma, his widow. she and I always had a special connection. the first memory I have of her is when I was 3 or 4. we were walking up the stairs to go to a swimming pool and I turned around, looked at her, and said “I like you”. she said to me “I like you too”. we shared a special connection and still do — living, dead, and anywhere in between. though neither she nor my grandfather was religious, she and I shared a special human and psychic connection. that will never die. so when her husband died, I was curious about if/how/when he would “show up” and visit us. mind you, I had never seen (to my knowledge!) a ghost, and I didn’t expect to be visited by him or anyone else. one night, about a year after his death, I was staying the night at their house in Florida. I have always had trouble sleeping — for reasons I am very aware of. mostly traumatic reasons. my experience with sleep involved, over and over again as a child, waking to pure trauma and horrific fear of a variety of instances. therefore, my ability to 1) fall asleep 2) stay asleep 3) not be afraid of going to sleep was weak. anyhow, I was staying in the room that he died in one night. in the bed that he died in. which I didn’t connect to at the time. as I rifled through the medicine cabinet in his bathroom, I found percocets that were prescribed to him to ease his pain as he was dying. let me be clear: I have never had an addiction to anything. I have never relied on substances. I consider myself extremely fortunate to be able to pick up any substance and put it right down when my mind decides I do not need it. while I have other challenges, substances is not one of them. and yet as we know, substance issues mimic other issues generated by the mind, so my compassion and understanding has repeatedly connected to those who have or have had substance issues and addiction. I digress with that side note, but I want to paint the fullest picture possible. like most nights of my life, I had no idea whether I would be able to fall or stay asleep — so when there was something overtly available to take to aid me in the process, I would take it (I never purchased or was prescribed sleep prescriptions or drugs in my teens or 20s). the percocets were available and not only that, clearly no one was using them anymore. my grandma still hadn’t had the heart to clean out his bathroom (they had separate bathrooms and bedrooms). I took one percocet to sleep, and put another one in my pocket “for the road”. I left the rest in the bottle. I put the bottle back and felt guilty about it, even though he was dead. I went to sleep peacefully because of the extreme high I got from the medication…
in the middle of the night, I was awoken suddenly. as I looked directly in front of me, where there was no headboard, a face began taking shape — like a tv screen coming into focus. my grandfather’s face formed before my eyes, and I was frozen. his hands went into prayer in front of his face, and I was in shock. I pinched my own arm as hard as I could to prove to myself in the morning that this was not a dream. I prayed and prayed to fall asleep and held my breath (a skill I tried to master as child with the covers pulled up tightly around my body and face when I was afraid) and I finally did. in the morning, I put the pill that I had taken back in his pill bottle and I apologized to him. I felt guilty. in retrospect, I realize I was coming up on increasingly challenging years in my life, and he knew it — he was never a man of prayer, blatantly did not believe in God or religion, and yet there he was. praying for me. clear as day.
this was the first experience that I had with a “ghost”. I say “ghost” because it was after that, that I realized how palpable his intention was for me. I could feel, telepathically, that he was afraid for my safety in general. I was definitely a fly-by-the-seat girl at the time, and I never thought about the consequences of my actions. I traveled solo, often didn’t know my next move, stayed out late and drank a lot, and insisted on being only in the present tense at all times. I unwittingly put myself in dangerous situations often. I never knew they were dangerous. I was too accustomed to the feeling. and I had a thirst to understand the world.
after my experience with my late grandfather, I did not have another one like it with him or anyone else for a long time. however actually, I did not understand that I was indeed having them ALL of the time — with energy. as you will read about in my other posts, energy is INFINITE. it transcends physical form, and takes many forms of consciousness (as well as light and dark — and intangible darkness often seeks tangible containers at all costs — this is another subject entirely). positive consciousness is hindered in physical form, and it raises beyond physical form. then, when we work on ourselves as human beings, we can access it. this is the bridge that we create and experience between 3d and 5d. that is also another post, though.
in my mid and late 20s, I became acutely interested in my own spirituality and personal consciousness. I went to alanon meetings, read tons of self help books (since a child, actually), therapist hopped (what a disappointing scene in general), and did anything I could to hear my own voice. one day, after I let go of a stagnant relationship which almost lead to marriage, I simply asked my “spirit guides” to please show themselves. I was detached from the outcome. but as I asked them aloud to show themselves, an entire veil of mist or, it can be best described as heat coming off of the pavement on a hot day, manifested in front of me. it was about 5 feet tall and I couldn’t believe it. I also couldn’t believe that “it” showed up on demand. to be sure I wasn’t crazy, I looked at my cat who was on the other side of this energy — his eyes were huge and he was scanning it up and down. the feeling that took over me when this energy/guide showed up was pure love. there is no other way to put it. I felt…like I would never feel alone again. I felt safe and guided. this was a pivotal point for me. unconditional love touched my heart in that moment and it was the first time I felt anything like it.
as I developed my understanding of many things unseen, in my late 20s, I began to realize that the people I “imagined” breaking into my house or walking around it when I was a child were…real. they just were not in physical form. I felt them all of the time. I also saw rather uncouth energies at the home of another family member every single time I stayed there. the only word I can use to describe those energies is: evil. I hated staying there. I had nightmares each time, visions of the “devil”, and general feelings of darkness. it didn’t make sense to me until way later as to…why. the energy behind the scenes supported everything I felt. this is when I realized that NOTHING goes unnoticed in life. we just lie to ourselves to feel safe.
my next experience with the unseen and the death of a person I knew was with a grandmother (not the widow). as I sat by my window in my east village apartment, I was suddenly overcome with nausea. it felt disgusting, and I tasted medication. I barely made it 10 feet to my bed and curled myself up into the fetal position. I don’t know for how long I napped, but I was awoken to the sounds of sobs of despair and mourning. it was so loud, I thought my neighbors were wailing with tears. my body felt so sick, as if something was passing through it. and I just knew instantly: my grandmother who had cancer had just died. I had no way of knowing this for fact, other than my experience. when I went over to my cell phone, there was a message waiting for me indicating that yes indeed, she died. it was then, that I began to learn that I was and am used as a gatekeeper. fast forward, and this began happening for me with patients who were about to lose parents or loved ones or even acquaintances. for whatever reason, my physical field was used as a gate to some other…place.
as noted, growing up I never believed in ghosts and if you told me in college that I was a gatekeeper or that something like a gatekeeper was real, I would have run away from you. I can’t stress this enough, because I am not a naturally woo-woo person. this is what makes everything that much more valid for me; I have never sought out my experiences. they have taken over me, though. and now I am perfectly fine with this (most of the time! except for when I feel someone elses emotions so strongly that I can not shake them — hence my session work and protocol).
after I saw my grandfather those years ago, I really did not want to see another “ghost” so clearly. I understood that yes, energy is infinite and timeless, and I even understood how the human ego leaves us when we die, but I still wasn’t comfortable or welcoming to that which I could not…control. but after I was used as some kind of gate or portal not only for those dying and changing form, and then for thousands of sessions, I sort of…got used to it. one day I woke up in my bedroom and saw a man from the 1980s in a blue and white track suit. he was Italian. I saw that he was busy..doing stuff. counting money, I think. he shared my living space — it’s just that we were in different dimensions. he was not aware of me — he was purely going about his business. I was aware of him. and as I began to study him, he…evaporated.
another morning I woke up and saw an old man and a little girl — his granddaughter, I think. they were dressed in 1920s clothing. he looked at me as if he knew I was occupying his space, and they disappeared into another dimension completely. I felt…safe and not alone, ironically. I no longer felt the crippling fear that I felt as a child. I will also note that there were so many other difficult things happening during that early time in my life, that it would have been very hard to decipher what was real since I was conditioned to not believe ANYTHING that I knew to be true, one way or another. thankfully, over time and with courage and effort, we can recover memories and our own sense of judgement, as well as, well, TRUTH…
now, to the reason I am writing this post. we all know someone who has died. most of us have loved ones who have died. and we miss them terribly. and we wonder “where they are”. some of us never wonder, because we feel them all of the time. and this is what I want to say…you may have heard or read or experienced that the essence of a person who once “was”, never leaves. and this is partly true. what DOES leave, is their ego. and this is when karma in a family dynamic can REALLY kick up — because there is no physical container blocking, unwittingly holding or defending, or otherwise countering truth. there is truth in all relationships, whether they are friendships or family or acquaintanceships. when someone dies, all of the ego aspects of them are what leave. we are then left with their intangible resonance and consciousness, aka…truth. unthwarted and unblocked from human conditions: control, manipulation, greed, etc.
often when someone dies we see family “battles” over petty shit like money. people actually spend time trying to go against wishes of deceased loved ones, or get more than their share, or even worse, still try to control the person from beyond their grave. the interesting thing about these battles is that since the ego of the person of focus is gone, the truth often envelopes everyone around them in a crazy way. this is why many people go nuts over wills, assets, and so forth. even when the wishes of a deceased person are crystal clear. emotions like control and fear and greed take over, and the people who were close to the deceased person seem to…lose it. they lose it, because there is no longer a container for all of the emotions they repressed while the now-deceased person was alive. when this space is no longer there to contain the ugly human emotions of others, from many years or timelines, we are left with: truth.
last week someone told me an interesting story about a will. and I am making a point here regarding how powerful the intention and truth of a person who has left this tangible plane and now resides solely in consciousness, versus unconsciousness, which was not a possible residence while they were in physical form, is. a wicked old lady who I actually randomly knew via one degree of separation, lost her mother. while the mother was alive, this wicked lady did everything she could to convince her sick and dying mother to change her will. the wicked lady had one sister. the sister was not wicked. the mother, alive in physical form, was still in ego, and confused by the wicked nature of the wicked old lady (her daughter). well, one day this wicked lady was caught doing something not above board with money. upon a coinciding death of her mother right around that same time, it was as if karma was nearly in physical form and laughing: somehow, it worked out that the wicked lady’s sister — the one who was not wicked — received ALL of the inheritance. not part of it. but all of it. my guess is as good as yours, but when I heard this story first-hand by the person who was there to witness all of this, it was as if the new conscious awareness of the deceased mother now in intangible form took over and met with the karma of her wicked daughter. I am skipping out on some details here, but this story was one for the books when I heard it a couple of weeks ago. and, I was not surprised…which brings me to my next point about the physical death of a person, and their effect upon us afterward.
when we leave tangible form (ego), we…see. I won’t go into soul or oversoul purpose and specifically what happens for the sake of keeping this post on topic, but I will say that any one of us who leaves our body is able to see all that ever was and is across time and space: truth. truth resonates in the higher dimensions, and those are the intangible dimensions. period. some of us, whilst still in human form, can access those dimensions. depending upon how much self-work we have done. aka how honest we can be with ourselves. not everyone wants to access truth, which is best reached beyond the confines of the human linear mind (ego). and so they struggle dearly.
part of this post is about bringing peace of mind to anyone who feels stressed, abandoned or dumbfounded by a sudden, not sudden, or otherwise death of a loved one, friend or acquaintance. part of my intention to express some peace for others is describing my experience and knowing with the unseen. if perhaps you connect to that, or can feel the resonance through my writing, well, maybe that is a start. another part of my intention to express some peace for others is to explain how truth hits the fan when people die. again, think of it like this: all of the control, lies, or otherwise disappointing human qualities in those around the person who dies will be revealed. almost immediately. for some of us, this can be a wonderful and healing event. for others of us, we see things that we never wanted to see, or were hoping were not true. either way, the veil is now gone. if you believe in truth rising, there can surely be peace around the death of a loved one as for better or worse, it can provide much closure on a variety of levels. finally, I want to share this…
I recently lost someone who I loved very much. we had a most special connection. we had a language in which to communicate, telepathically, for when she died. I never really knew for certain if this language would “show up” for me when she decided to go, but I was hopeful. before she died, she appeared in a series of dreams this year. I cried so hard DURING the dreams that I would awaken with salty dried tears all over my face. I couldn’t believe it: I was already mourning her! I felt like she was giving me the biggest gift already. she spoke to me directly in the dreams. she said goodbye. she also said goodbye while she was still alive. she made me aware of her terms of death and what she wanted for me. the circumstances surrounding her death were unfortunate, mostly due to the ego and control of those around her. but there is nothing that can ever, ever interfere with our connection. this is true for all relationships, whether they are friendships or family or otherwise — what is true, is true, and it transcends time and space and everything in it that is not true. as I mourned her in my dream states, I wondered when I would feel her leave. and then one day I just knew when she did. she showed up in my bedroom in a timeline of her youth. she was graceful, beautiful, and strong. her essence is something I remembered from years ago. it was not an essence of the present, but her consciousness was more present than ever.
at the time she left her physical body, the most incredible synchronicity happened for me. a terrible grip that someone had upon me energetically (namely connected to the theft of my domains and more) became unraveled. I discovered, in the most amazing way, the cause and location of exactly an issue I dealt with for over a year. it was as if she spelled out for me how to unblock this massive interference in my life, in a language that I did not even speak. I was shown “accidental” evidence and Freudian slips that I believe are a strong byproduct of her freeing up the physical space in the tangible realm that contained many lies and controlling behaviors. as soon as she transitioned, it was as if I was being helped in a way no one else could help me. not to mention the fact that although we were close, I felt and now feel closer to her than ever. I feel her support, friendship, and awareness of my truth more loudly than ever would have been possible while she was on this physical plane. it may sound weird to say, but we now have an opportunity for a closer relationship than ever. and I have a feeling that this is just the beginning.
sometimes and often when loved ones die, and we had a karmic agreement with them, it is easier for THEM to carry out their commitment to us AFTER they transcend their physical container. that is, if WE are able to connect to them from this realm to that realm. and what can we do? we can simply talk to them like they are right there. I know this may sound odd to anyone who has not experienced “other”. but I would suggest trying it. perhaps if anything I’ve said in the above examples resonates, the step can be made toward a connection between your dimension (physical) and that of whom you want to connect with (nonphysical). while it is safer for the mind to process such deep connections in a dream state, you may also notice with comfort that recently deceased loved ones will ramp up synchronicities and the truth to assist you in many ways. it is their way, also, of righting wrongs that occurred while they were in physical form and tied in with other physical beings who all have ego (our block to so much).
the physical death of a person, and their effect upon us afterward, can express itself in many different ways. the above ways are my experiences. if you had a difficult relationship with someone who then died, you may also find it easier to connect/forgive/”dialogue” with them while they are in intangible and subsequently ego-less form. if you want to. the message is that there is opportunity, even after physical closure with someone on this live human plane, to learn something new that you could not connect to on this plane because of aforementioned human roadblocks (ego). when there is no longer ego, aka a foggy lens, there can be even greater and deeper healing between you and your “loss” — regardless of how your closure took place on this plane. above all, be open to the truth, because their new plane of resonance has much to offer in the way of it that wouldn’t have been possible in our 3d reality.