How to let go of mistakes and guilt
A mistake is a mistake when intentions are pure. A mistake is a choice when intentions are not pure. And yet I will cover both intentional notions in this article as “mistakes”.
How do you tell the difference between mistake mistakes and choice mistakes?
First, you need to know whether or not you are lying to yourself. Lying to ourselves creates more pain than anything. Because we sit in the dark on repeat, in legitimate pain, but it is of our own causing. We go on autopilot with the same thoughts and behaviors because they served us long ago — and now, they are hurting us.
Lying to others is different. We lie to others because we have always gotten away with it. No one has ever told us “no you can’t do that” and so, in a sense, the crime is even greater than lying to yourself. Because you know it takes away from other people, but you are too selfish to create the energy within to stop. This is evil.
In either case, if you are not made of evil, AND SOME PEOPLE ARE (I’m not saying there can’t be miracles, but that is up to GOD not us, and we should never focus on trying to change another person), you can let go and change.
The first step in letting go of mistakes made by lying to yourself or lying to others is seeing the mistake. Fully. Nakedly. Without a veil, a censor, or and ego around it. This is really hard. It is way harder to SEE when we lie to ourselves because it was a survival tool. When it’s not a survival tool, and it is conscious, it is not hard to see but the guilt may be even more extreme and the fear may be much greater because we feel empty inside – otherwise we would not do it in the first place.
See the mistake. Write it down. Write down what you have been. Write down why you have done it. This may sound easy, but it’s not. It is simple, but admitting an atrocious pattern of lying unconsciously or consciously will break your spirit in half. And, it should – this is part of an ego death. Once you see the mistake, ask yourself if you are willing to completely change. If you only desire change but will not act upon change, keep praying on it. If you are ready to admit your mistake and change, you will have a grieving period – a death of self.
Admit your mistake out loud, in writing, and to at least one other person. If you don’t trust anyone, too bad. Admit it to someone. Or, go to a 12-step group (Alanon is pretty good, and everyone has at least one alcoholic or relative of an alcoholic in their immediate family and therefore their behaviors become pretty alcoholic) and tell the group. Our dysfunction, unconscious or conscious, comes from nature and nurture. It’s easier to let go of when it is nurture and more messed up when it is nature – it’s very hard to change nature and this is where evil comes in. For example, there are serial killers and truly evil people who are not mentally ill but they just love suffering the same way a good person would love love. Life is unfair and it’s full of these people.
Once you admit your truth, get help on changing course. If you have wronged people, you can’t ask for forgiveness from them until you see your mistake in full. You have to see it in full. An apology is worthless when it is manipulative, and others will know it. Then, you have to forgive yourself. This is the hardest part, and it is why we continue to repeat patterns. It’s too hard to see what we are doing because if we did, the immense guilt would kill us (spiritually, but you will interpret it as physically). This is the cause of most illnesses. A holding of energy that is too scary to process and FEEL. So, instead of feeling, we repeat intellectual and psychological patterns.
If you aren’t working the 12 steps, and again I highly recommend them to anyone even if you have no tangible addictions, then you have to have someone help you be accountable. An objective person is great, or a loved one you trust who will be honest with you but not judgmental – note: THEY SHOULD NOT BE AN IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBER OR EVEN EXTENDED FAMILY MEMBER. THIS IS WHERE YOUR SHITTY PATTERNING CAME FROM IN THE FIRST PLACE. Then you need to apply your truth. This is akin to breaking a heroin addiction, whether your mistake was conscious or unconscious. You might be wondering why I am making such a “big deal” out of talking about “a mistake” — well, that is because “a mistake” is the way that we do all things in life. So, I can guarantee that your little mistake is more than that. It is a way of being. It is a pattern. Patterns grow into full-time characters and when that happens, unless we repent and truly want to cleanse, we become old bitter ugly people. You see them everywhere – even young ones at 25.
The process for understanding how we have been navigating the world is intense. When it has been unconscious, it is really important to know that there is a good reason you didn’t see your patterning. This is part of your mind that has been protecting you your whole life, and you learned it as a survival tool early on. However, forgiving yourself can feel next to impossible at the beginning of recognizing mistakes. Don’t worry about that, though – it will come in time if you focus on 1) what you have been doing 2) what the mistake or mistakes are 3) not doing them anymore. It is in your change of being that forgiveness of self will come. Also – everyone has this problem in one form or another. You’re not an exception to the rule or alone.
When you apologize too soon, you are fooling yourself and you are trying to fool the other person (assuming your mistake hurt someone other than yourself). This is manipulation and evil. You will know it, and so will the other person. And instead of feeling “off the hook”, you will only become more enraged at the person you apologized to. LOL. When you apologize to yourself, this is simply an acknowledgement that you don’t want to make that mistake or pattern again. This is ok to do up front, before forgiveness, as it is part of the awareness process.
What if your mistake didn’t hurt anyone? Well, you are someone. And it hurt you. This can be a tricky territory to identify, because we don’t understand why we might hurt ourselves. We do it because we were trained to do it by an external dysfunctional source. I have written endlessly about sick families and patterning and you can find answers about those processes throughout my blog and on my shop page. When we hurt ourselves and we realize it for the first time, there is a compassion and sadness for our inner child that rises up. There is also confusion, because the entire map of our existence looks different. In fact, it goes blank. We have to create a new roadmap and our process for doing such seems unclear. Our inner child cries out and we don’t know how to nurture them. This is a period of great confusion and reflection.
As we begin to move through the pain with the above actions and realizations, and this does take time, we can say out loud to ourself or inner child “I forgive you”. We can also say out loud to people who aren’t in the room, who we have hurt or we think we have hurt, “I am sorry”. Eventually, if you have the courage, you can apologize to them but again remember – it can’t be fake, it can’t be to get something in return, and they will know if you are faking it.
What if we have made a mistake with absolute pure intentions WITHOUT lying to ourselves or other people? Well: IT WAS NOT A MISTAKE. Let me make this so clear. This was not a mistake, and it was by God’s design. It is so hard to understand this one. Sometimes, the ENERGY of our prior ways of being, creeps up with us into the present even when we have outgrown our old ways and mistakes. There is nothing we can do about this. What this looks like in real life is attracting people and situations who were present when we were not correcting our ways or not realizing our fears and therefore lying to ourselves unconsciously or consciously. If you have corrected course and old demons present, this is God giving you timing and organization for the rest of your life. Just because things go “wrong” does not mean you have made a mistake. When you are conscious of your ways of being, in and out, and things STILL don’t go as planned, there is something bigger at play – God. And what this means, my friends, is that you have broken the spells of your past and now there is pain in great change that lays ahead for you…
“I thought I did everything right”…this is a common thing for people to say and feel. They were truly earnest. They worked their spiritual programs. They stopped old patterns. They saw the ugly truths around them. And still, things went wrong. These are apparitions of the past worming their way out. Often, terrible or untoward things will happen AFTER we have broken a pattern. WHY? Because we have created a new world for ourself internally and the external presents in a delayed reaction. This might come as a shock. And we might extra-blame ourselves when it does. Because we thought we had won…we thought we had conquered…we thought God would be happy for us. And, he is – but when WE change, everything around us changes, too. This is why many people don’t change.
Change brings about broken relationships, death, illness, chaos and more. Personally, I’ve been on board with this since a small child. I don’t have the same fears as most, though I do have other fears indeed. Fear of doing the right thing at a great cost, however, has never been one of them. Fear of being totally alone and broken has always been a risk I am willing to take and have taken. I have always embraced change, even when I wanted God to take me in my sleep. It’s not martyrdom, it’s an awareness that this life is so fast and I probably don’t want to come back here if I don’t have to! LOL. On a serious note, I want to hit my goals. And I know there are no shortcuts. I can only work on dying and rebirthing enough times to become who I am destined to be.
When things change in a shocking fashion and we have already broken through our mistakes and patterning (we will always make mistakes, but I am addressing the more fundamental ones here that impact our every day life), it is a delayed reaction from God. People have said to me “Elaine, I made a huge life decision that was for my best interest and I truly loved myself as a person and then the most horrible things began to happen — people I love died, my pets are sick, and more…what happened!??!?”…what happened was you changed course. And then physics reordered your life accordingly. You did nothing wrong. I was listening to a sermon the other night and Bishop T.D. Jakes said “”Either way you move, somebody’s gonna get hurt…and if you don’t move, it’s gonna be you” – that’s right. The message is to keep moving. And again in order to keep moving, we must address our mistake. Even our ONE mistake. Because our ONE mistake reflects the way we do everything, even if those things don’t present as mistakes.
I’ll say it again. When our intentions are pure, and we are truly doing ALL we can and the BEST we can — meaning we have prayed on it, talked it over with friends, and certain things are NOT in our control — there are no mistakes, only happenings disguised as confusion and self-blame. Don’t get confused between mistakes and happenings that are there to actually guide us on the right path.
Things like losing everything, death, broken relationships and more, come from simple change. They aren’t punishments from God, but random acts that are there to show us new faith. This can be next to impossible to see when we are in the eye of the storm. We won’t necessarily see them through a lens of faith at that time — but rather punishment. This is a tough spot to be in, especially if we are super conscious and evolved. And pure.
When our intentions are PURE – and this can only happen when we are not lying to ourselves – there are no mistakes.
When we are in fear, there can be mistakes. The mistake may be that you see the world as a dangerous place in which people are out to get you. Or, it may be that you see the world as competitive and lacking and you must take advantage of other people to get ahead or get what you “need”. Those two things are sins and they create a series of mistakes. The only way out of those is through the feeling inside, and understanding what that feeling is provoking us to DO about the feeling. Are we feeling that feeling completely inside, or are we closing it down to take intellectual action instead? This is hard because we feel like we are fighting for our lives in a sense, versus making a mistake or series of mistakes. And there is a difficult threshold of understanding that the line is between living in fear aka making a mistake, or living consciously with accepted fear and making a conscious choice which STILL reaps unfortunate payback from the world at large toward us.
The line between living in fear and making a mistake is again: intention. If you are in a situation in which you feel pushed to the MAX and God is throwing EVERYTHING in your path to weaken you, and you are praying on your action and getting feedback and taking that action and STILL it all goes wrong, it’s not a mistake it is divine order. On the other hand if you are living in fear and ignoring what that fear is doing to you — drinking every night to avoid the truth, distracting yourself 24/7…you won’t make a conscious choice from God and it will be a mistake. The fine line is the willingness to see your emotions and what decision to make about them so that you do not lie to yourself or another person.
Sometimes, there are “outs” aka doors away from the pain that mistakes bring, but we can’t see them because we are too overwhelmed. But I’ll say it again: if we are doing our best, and our intentions are pure, we will not make mistakes. If we examine these doors and they feel dead or expired, we may be called to stay the course we are on even though we hate it and know it’s going to lead us to great pain. Very often, the risks outweigh the benefits in life and we have to decide what is a risk and what is a benefit. Short-term, everything looks like a benefit. However it is in the longer term that we understand the real benefit of a decision. Rarely are good decisions short-term benefits. That’s the easy way. I’m not suggesting that everything needs to be hard, either, but in the context of understanding how to change patterns that create mistakes or consciously navigate fear, shortcuts are generally unheard of.
When we make our decisions, with pure intention, even if they bring destruction, we will KNOW that they are right because God will show up to assist us in making them in the process! We will examine all other doors and they will feel either too hot or too cold. Or, too alive or too dead. It has to feel…just right. The right people will show up out of nowhere to assist us. Sometimes, the right people will show up out of nowhere to assist us straight into a terrible situation, too! — but remember, this can be part of the plan and it may not be a mistake at all. Again, this is where understanding change comes in. When we make a major life change and all of the Universe conspires to assist us, even if our destination sucks, then our destination is where we are supposed to be until we figure out why we are there. Once we understand that, we must work to honor ourselves. By not being the same person that we always were in the past. Even if the “benefits” (like comfort, money, ease) are there. It is possible, even that by honoring ourselves we hurt the ones we love. There is no such thing as hurting the ones we love when we honor ourselves, though. When we honor ourselves – and I’m not talking fake honoring ourselves or being unrighteously and unfairly selfish – God is organizing our destiny around us through a series of events. Sometimes these events are hard to understand. But the ONLY thing to understand is: INTENTION.
Once we are clear on whether or not we are lying to ourselves and others, and how, and we work the process around that of fully seeing and admitting to ourselves what our unconscious and conscious mistakes are, we must stand naked and ask for deliverance. If we can not do this, we will know no power. Honesty is the only way through. I’ve had many situations of unconscious patterning that I had to forgive myself for as it was a survival tool that my life depended upon a long time ago, and I ALWAYS talk it through nakedly with others. Especially with those who will give me hard or nasty truths. Usually, almost always, they will repeat: this is not your fault. One of my biggest unconscious patterns has been about making things my fault. This is unfortunate, because it denies me certain beauties in life that others could stand to benefit from. When we somehow deprive ourselves, we deprive others of the gifts we are able to offer the world. Even a core wound like guilt can short-change a whole host of people around you. The devil loves to work in this way, and when he sees an opening for it he will try to go in for the kill. If this is you, stand naked and ask for deliverance as well. Not all mistakes are our own personal evil, but they are born from others’ evil thrown in and toward us. Make sure you know the difference, though — it is one thing to “get by” in the world and quite another to lie to people in a way that hurts them.
I’ll say it again. Doing the right thing is physics. When you change, everything around you changes. If you interpret this as a punishment and it’s not, it prolongs your rebirth cycle that you have so beautifully started. When you don’t change, everything around you just stays stagnant and gets worse. There is a difference between changing and not changing, and it will become obvious if you stay observant.
Finally, remember one thing. Some people are intrinsically evil. You can’t barter with the devil. He shows up through people, places and things to test us and our faith in ourselves and the divine. If you don’t have faith, you’re asleep and in trouble. You can choose any divination of your choice, but believing that you are the cause and effect of everything around you is a lie. And you will needlessly suffer for believing that lie. Read my column on evil here.
How to let go of mistakes and guilt: admit the mistake in broad daylight. Work the steps of repentance. Feel the guilt fully. Stop intellectualizing things in order to feel your feelings. Things will then re-order in your mind so that you might see the situation at hand more clearly. Forgive yourself when things are clear enough to understand what happened and why. Do not expect someone to accept your apology or forgive you – that is selfish and your actions are not for others, they are for you. Accept what you have done or what has happened. Commit to living differently. Be willing to risk the change that will inevitably come from living differently, and don’t judge the appearance of that change as it’s not under your control — change is a gift from God in response to your positive change, and therefore the response itself is positive regardless of what your human eyes see.
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