how it feels on both the tangible and intangible planes when someone close to you dies

how it feels on both the tangible and intangible planes when someone close to you dies:

clearly the following is just my experience. I’ve had it as well, as a surrogate via many patients of mine when their close loved ones (or unloved ones) physically die.

the only thing that dies is the physical body. consciousness is an entirely different energy, and it exists WHILST a person is alive, in various forms depending upon many different factors. therefore, when we are or have been very close to someone and then they physically die, we may experience both their tangible and intangible process in addition to our own. our experience of this, also depends upon many factors.

recently someone who I loved very much – and who loved me very much – physically died. I don’t care to publicize it in the way that many do, because it’s not really about that person at that point — rather it’s typically tragedy porn…it’s about the person sharing the tragedy. and typically, it aligns with that of the classic hum ho complainer – the person who is ALWAYS complaining about someTHING…for sympathy. disrespecting someone’s actual life by making it about me, is not something I am into. with that said, I have other ways or my own ways of honoring a life of another person. one of those ways is by sharing my sacred connection and experience to them and of them on a deep soul level.

relationships are complicated. people are at different stages of development, and at different thresholds of mental wellness. sometimes, those relationships insert their way into other and otherwise healthy relationships. we are only capable of hearing/seeing/believing what makes us feel safe, which is whatever makes sense to the “rational” (although often irrational!) mind. there were various forces at play, inserting themselves or rather I should say attemptedly inserting themselves between myself and my loved one. knowing this, I navigated that relationship with particular care. I’ll start from the beginning.

the first person I ever felt a valid, genuine connection to in my life, is the subject of this article. I could feel and relate to their intuition, their ability to “know” things without sounding crazy, their random decisions to cancel family trips because they “saw” a car accident happen, their “seeing” their child have an accident before there was internet and drop everything to rush to the scene, and so on. I appreciated their love of art, and their talent for it. I appreciated their ability to live their life — and advice to me to live my life — without allowing others to influence their/my decisions. they were my biggest cheerleader to the best of their ability.

when their partner died two decades ago, I moved in as a placeholder; from afar, and often close — I visited them thousands of miles away when I could. I called them nearly daily for over a decade. they never asked for anything, and they were not good at asking anyone for anything – in fact, I know they were more comfortable alone. it was something that they were used to their entire life. we developed a bond that I didn’t know I would have with someone in this lifetime. we shared secrets and vulnerabilities that I thought were forbidden in the context of our relationship. I also knew, all the while, that one day they would not be incarnate any longer. we spoke, many times, about what that would look like — the signs they would give, the indications they would offer, the words they would use, prior; and what would happen afterward. this brought me a lot of peace, to be able to talk about these things so openly, and I don’t know if I am the only one who they connected to in this way but I suspect yes.

toward the end of their physical incarnate journey, we had some difficult conversations. I have never had the heart to hurt certain people with the truth, and I believe that God and karma are so incredibly legitimate, that some things never need to be said – after all, the conscious mind incarnate is completely different from the consciousness of the soul after it leaves physical form. because this person and I were so connected on a soul level, I felt confident that the things I couldn’t bear to tell them while they were alive, would be known by them when they were no longer alive — except VERY much alive, in a different way.

this person was my best friend in every way. as is often painful to see in many dynamics, there were those who did not like that or support that. people will use all kinds of evil tactics to insert themselves between two people who care about one another, for different reasons; and to a degree in this lifetime and timeline, it worked toward the end of my loved one’s physical life. being acutely aware of those around them and the energy they were helpless to inhaling, I found ways to make peace with this. our private communications and connection never ceased, despite outside interference. in fact, in some ways, it only made us more connected.

the day that I left for Europe two years ago for work, my special person tried to “leave”. I was always told that they would do it this way — in a way that was convenient to others, as the last thing they wanted or liked was drama. they didn’t want a whole scene of individuals congregating around them, and I really appreciate that! however, two years ago, they were not successful in leaving. again, this is a subject we had spoken about for nearly a decade, privately! the day that I left for Europe, I felt a crushing pain in my chest and I did not know why. it lasted a full three weeks, and it was the worst physical, emotional and spiritual pain I have ever felt for an extended period of time — and I didn’t know where it was coming from as I was completely in the dark being overseas with a bad internet connection and focused on what I was there to be focused on. upon returning, later on, I learned what happened. when I spoke with my loved one, they told me that they had had a stroke. it was striking to me, everything that I felt around this event — tangibly and intangibly. and, knowing this person, I was not surprised that they tried to “take off” (my loved one had all kinds of ways of describing their journey to the other side, and they used humor — they never seemed afraid of dying) exactly at that time. but there was unfinished business for them, and they were not permitted to leave at that time.

over the next year and a half or so, I was attuned to their journey in many ways. the thing is, we don’t leave until we are allowed to. I knew this person’s personal desires, but God always rules our journey from start to finish. I knew that when I wasn’t communicating with them physically or via phone, I would “know” their path. the mourning of them incarnate actually came long before their physical departure. they appeared in many dreams, saying goodbye, upon which I would wake up sobbing with a deep mourning in my heart. it was my unconscious mind processing MANY things around my loved one — things I could control, and things I absolutely could not control. I processed things that THEY had a hard time processing in their life. the secrets, the pain, and many other things. since I knew their signals, I was prepared for when they would finally be allowed to leave. it was on my heart and mind, the entire last leg of their journey, to be left with no regrets. and I have none.

on our last phone call — and this is something I had never done before with them either via phone or in person — I sobbed uncontrollably and told them how much I loved them. there were so many things that I had wanted to say during that call, but I didn’t have the heart. it wasn’t up to me. it was up to their higher self, their conscious and unconscious mind, and their life path to understand and discover for themselves. I don’t believe in free will interference and so I won’t do it unless absolutely necessary. I won’t play the game of manipulation and “winning” when it comes to relationships. and when we pull back, and stay in integrity, karma takes care of everyone and everything. particularly during an afterlife of someone who was hosting many energies whilst incarnate…

during my last phone call with this person, which came prior to their very final last physical leg of their journey, I felt peace and I knew it was the last time that we would talk. I would then listen to my heart and gut as to their future communications. which have come in spades, since…

two weeks to the day before they died, I felt an incredible physical pain. it was similar to the pain I get before during and after the healing sessions I have done, only magnified. ten-fold, perhaps. I was not “sick”, nor did I have a flu. my loved one, by the way, did not have the flu. I spent two weeks in incredible physical pain, with an anxiety in my heart so separate from me, that my only conclusion was someone close to me or even one degree of separation was crossing over. this is a feeling that I have had many times, particularly when people die, except this time it was prolonged in a way that was too personal. a series of events occurred in my personal life as well, to mimic the symbolism of death in general. the night before my loved one died, I felt an INCREDIBLE peace wash over me. I was journaling about it, asking God, “what is this”? it was profound. the night before they died, I woke startled in the middle of the night, smelling smoke — I thought the house was on fire. it wasn’t. I know what this means – it was the first “tangible” intangible sign they were sending to me. I went back to sleep, and about an hour later woke again with a sudden jolt after a dream of an officer at my door — a metaphor for news being delivered from personnel. the morning before they died, I felt the same thing as the night before I went to bed and awoke to those “dreams”. it was an exaggerated peace, an exhilaration of sorts, and the physical pain and anxiety completely quit. I always know the difference between what is mine and what is not mine in the intangible planes, so the clarity here was perfect. I was experiencing their imminent bliss, their impending relief. the morning before my loved one died, as this peace kicked in throughout my entire being, I saw TWO red cardinals in a row — without sharing a ton about my loved one personally, this was more than just a “sign”. it was our way of communicating. they were also an avid birdwatcher for many years, with books, binoculars, the whole jam. I “knew” that this was the day, the day that they were finally allowed to choose a certain freedom that had been important to them for some time.

my loved one was in physical pain for over a decade. we spoke, many times, about their desire to leave and “how”. I knew that God doesn’t usually allow us to take our own way out, so I felt for the physical nature of their suffering. I also knew that there was more than that, and that we each have our own life review to process…even if it is slow and painful. when we have an actual ego death WHILST in physical form, it feels like this too. death is death is death – no matter physical or spiritual. when they died that day, being as connected to them as I was in mind body and spirit, I felt an INCREDIBLE expansion and I knew that they were rejoicing like those birds that kept showing up. I went to central park, to a quiet spot on the pond, and the BIGGEST red cardinal sat just several feet from me. for an hour. it was a majestic red (male bird), it was pronounced, and it was one of those things that you have to see to believe. I took peace in this, and I felt grateful for my loved one caring enough to send me signs.

the irony is, with those who we care about, and particularly when it is complicated because well, people in the world are complicated, true connections are never broken. truth is never eternally broken, albeit if it is temporarily. the irony also is, I always knew that during the last part of my loved one’s journey, we would be able to be close again and perhaps closer than ever, after they made their transition to a realm that they spoke about with me so often.

I think that the biggest thing people struggle with, with regard to death of loved ones (or unloved ones!) is regret. I am grateful for my connection with my loved one, because I have no regrets. I knew for a couple of decades that this time would come, and I did everything I wanted to in order to maximize and complete our positive karma together, despite outside forces and challenges. I am grateful for the time I devoted, for our hours and hours of phone calls nightly over many years, our special visits together, and our private conversations. NOTHING and NO ONE can break a special bond, and this was the first person in my life whom I ever felt and had a truly special bond to. the bond is infinite, and I look forward to exploring the new shape it has taken for I can feel their freedom and relief. my animals certainly feel it, too!

we all experience physical death of loved ones differently. if I didn’t have certain experiences such as the ones I share above, I am not sure what I would think of an article like this one. but the fact is, we each have our own special experiences. they don’t need to look or sound like mine. but if you are looking for that connection, maybe my share here will help. the most important thing that I can share is that genuine bonds are never broken. and when someone transitions out of the physical, there is actually more freedom than ever…as the human ego is no longer holding captive lies, secrets, force, or surrounding energies that seek to manipulate and tarnish what is true. when all of that is released, ALL OF THAT IS RELEASED. and to that end, we may each experience a unique freedom, as well as newfound appreciation for what was, what never was, and for what we miss most. for what we miss most has an opportunity to take a new shape now.

I love you, my beautiful cardinal.

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one of the best days of my life was when I realized that someone else’s behavior has nothing to do with me.

photo by Anita Saini

a few years ago, I re-entered therapy for a couple of years. I had never had a steady therapist before. I hopped around throughout my 20s, and could never quite find the right person. either they lived out of state, or I was moving, etc. I was certainly “on the go” in my 20s. when I “landed” more permanently again in NYC, I had some unfortunate luck with therapists. one was a really perverse man who insisted I was unhappy because I was not yet married and pregnant (um, no.). one who I had hoped would be my guiding light was murdered in her office. one after that was an unhinged shut-in. I finally found a super top-level man therapist after that, but he didn’t accept insurance and I could not afford him. I guarantee he was worth every dollar though, and in just ONE meeting, I think I got all that I needed from him for about a year’s time. yes, some folks are indeed that good. so fast forward, and I met my “person” who I would stick with for a time. upon our first meeting, and within the first few minutes of meeting me, I will never forget what she said to me. knowing seemingly nothing about me. but she must have known. because she said point blank, and with a strong, almost glaring look in her eyes: “someone else’s obsession with you has nothing to do with you”. I thought, ok, thanks, but what exactly are you talking about? I didn’t know what to say to her. and then she said it again. looking back, of course it makes sense. but at the time, it (as I’m sure it was designed to do) caught me off guard.

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we can’t be right enough for the wrong person, and we can’t be wrong enough for the right person

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

we can’t be right enough for the wrong person, and we can’t be wrong enough for the right person. that’s right. this post is kind of an off-shoot from my recent post on the fact that there is no such thing as rejection.

there is great freedom in knowing that we don’t have to be anything other than what we intrinsically are. with this, we can be the worst version of our self yet still be loved and accepted unconditionally by those who are meant to be in our life. and we can be the best version of our self, yet still be rejected and “abandoned” by those who are not meant to be in our life (even if we are in an actual relationship with them).

we are always going through shifts and changes as human beings. that’s the hallmark of being, a human being! and it is during these times that sometimes we stumble upon the unexpected, because we are not at our “best”! or, the unexpected happens and we are surprised, because we ARE AT our “best”!

for example. I once had a friend who was so desperate to find “the one” and fall in love. she went on date after date, did the dating apps, always hair and eyelashes and nail glam. nothing worked. and there was nothing “wrong” with her at all. nothing worked for her, for a long time. and so she nearly gave up. one day, she had to take a work trip overseas. there was a man associated with the trip, and I can’t remember if he worked with her or for another company, but he was there. upon landing, she came down with the worst case of food poisoning. he sat with her and watched her vomit for days from her hotel room, in a very physically disgusting and unhinged state. she was embarrassed, but too sick to decline his offer to help. this was actually her worst nightmare, considering she wouldn’t even go to the supermarket in her sweats. well, this man became her husband.

I had another friend who would only date “safe” guys. meaning, her career was off the charts, she was beautiful and smart, “had it all”. due to some unconscious and unaddressed fears, she chose men who didn’t have anything to offer her that she could not offer herself. she would fall desperately in love with these men, who she was certain were a “sure thing”, and then they would leave her. heartbroken and confused. after all, she had it all! how could THEY leave her? well, she couldn’t be amazing enough for the wrong person. and in short, she was controlling the situation before it happened so that she could not be hurt. only the joke was on her in the end, every single time, until she got it right and listened to what her unconscious mind was doing and saying. honestly, this understanding usually takes consistent therapy, which is what got her there.

I, myself, have been guilty in the past of feeling the need to be “perfect” before entering a relationship. for me, that has meant achieving something substantial in order to be loved. having some sort of “security” so that I am not too vulnerable. which of course, is complete horse shit if we are to enter a relationship that hinges upon vulnerability and support. and I know where it came from when I would go through that. it came from only being valued, as a very young being, for being of assistance — intellectually, emotionally or otherwise — to those who were supposed to be of assistance to me. so it really hurt my dating life for a while, because if I wasn’t in a relationship with the wrong person (a “safe” person), I was avoiding it altogether until I could prove I was worthy.

with stuff like jobs or applications for a home and the like, the same rules apply. there is no amount of dimming that we can do, in order to fit into that “perfect” situation. and there is no amount of glowing we can do, in order to fit into that “perfect” situation. if the situation is not aligned with us, it will “reject” us. no matter what logic looks like on the outside (logistics like finances, personal appearance, etc). if the situation IS aligned with us, it will not reject us. no matter what the logic looks like on the outside. I’ve heard amazing stories from people who have said “I have NO idea how this happened, but I just won the lottery for my green card or I got this job and there is no way it should have happened, it breaks all of the rules, it’s a miracle”.

the point is, and I heard this statement the other day loudly, re-affirming what I already know but often forget in moments of fear or stress: karma and destiny are actually stronger than free will. now, I understand that, because when I look at a person and just “know” something like “you will get pregnant and deliver, I don’t care what the doctor said, trust me” and then it happens, I am looking at their destiny. when destiny is strong, very little can interfere with it. free will is important, yes, but often that is more about HOW we want to go about the journey versus what the destination point will be. free will is important, too, because if we don’t actually take action, the Universe will DRAG us to the destination point. and that is INCREDIBLY painful. we never, ever want to get dragged. but free will is relative to how we want to experience the journey.

when we have a very strong purpose, and are to be with a certain person or in a certain place, the Universe will conspire in every single way to be sure we land in our destiny. and this is why we can’t be right enough for the wrong person, and we can’t be wrong enough for the right person. we will get shifted around like pieces of chess during the journey. so if you are concerned about your path, your dating life, or your job, take it easy…definitely, by all means, TAKE ACTION — if you don’t, you will indeed be dragged. just don’t worry so much about how perfect the action seems. the Universe will not allow you get it wrong, so long as you are trying.

 

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