a few years ago, I re-entered therapy for a couple of years. I had never had a steady therapist before. I hopped around throughout my 20s, and could never quite find the right person. either they lived out of state, or I was moving, etc. I was certainly “on the go” in my 20s. when I “landed” more permanently again in NYC, I had some unfortunate luck with therapists. one was a really perverse man who insisted I was unhappy because I was not yet married and pregnant (um, no.). one who I had hoped would be my guiding light was murdered in her office. one after that was an unhinged shut-in. I finally found a super top-level man therapist after that, but he didn’t accept insurance and I could not afford him. I guarantee he was worth every dollar though, and in just ONE meeting, I think I got all that I needed from him for about a year’s time. yes, some folks are indeed that good. so fast forward, and I met my “person” who I would stick with for a time. upon our first meeting, and within the first few minutes of meeting me, I will never forget what she said to me. knowing seemingly nothing about me. but she must have known. because she said point blank, and with a strong, almost glaring look in her eyes: “someone else’s obsession with you has nothing to do with you”. I thought, ok, thanks, but what exactly are you talking about? I didn’t know what to say to her. and then she said it again. looking back, of course it makes sense. but at the time, it (as I’m sure it was designed to do) caught me off guard.
photo by Jennifer Santaniello
we can’t be right enough for the wrong person, and we can’t be wrong enough for the right person. that’s right. this post is kind of an off-shoot from my recent post on the fact that there is no such thing as rejection.
there is great freedom in knowing that we don’t have to be anything other than what we intrinsically are. with this, we can be the worst version of our self yet still be loved and accepted unconditionally by those who are meant to be in our life. and we can be the best version of our self, yet still be rejected and “abandoned” by those who are not meant to be in our life (even if we are in an actual relationship with them).
we are always going through shifts and changes as human beings. that’s the hallmark of being, a human being! and it is during these times that sometimes we stumble upon the unexpected, because we are not at our “best”! or, the unexpected happens and we are surprised, because we ARE AT our “best”!
for example. I once had a friend who was so desperate to find “the one” and fall in love. she went on date after date, did the dating apps, always hair and eyelashes and nail glam. nothing worked. and there was nothing “wrong” with her at all. nothing worked for her, for a long time. and so she nearly gave up. one day, she had to take a work trip overseas. there was a man associated with the trip, and I can’t remember if he worked with her or for another company, but he was there. upon landing, she came down with the worst case of food poisoning. he sat with her and watched her vomit for days from her hotel room, in a very physically disgusting and unhinged state. she was embarrassed, but too sick to decline his offer to help. this was actually her worst nightmare, considering she wouldn’t even go to the supermarket in her sweats. well, this man became her husband.
I had another friend who would only date “safe” guys. meaning, her career was off the charts, she was beautiful and smart, “had it all”. due to some unconscious and unaddressed fears, she chose men who didn’t have anything to offer her that she could not offer herself. she would fall desperately in love with these men, who she was certain were a “sure thing”, and then they would leave her. heartbroken and confused. after all, she had it all! how could THEY leave her? well, she couldn’t be amazing enough for the wrong person. and in short, she was controlling the situation before it happened so that she could not be hurt. only the joke was on her in the end, every single time, until she got it right and listened to what her unconscious mind was doing and saying. honestly, this understanding usually takes consistent therapy, which is what got her there.
I, myself, have been guilty in the past of feeling the need to be “perfect” before entering a relationship. for me, that has meant achieving something substantial in order to be loved. having some sort of “security” so that I am not too vulnerable. which of course, is complete horse shit if we are to enter a relationship that hinges upon vulnerability and support. and I know where it came from when I would go through that. it came from only being valued, as a very young being, for being of assistance — intellectually, emotionally or otherwise — to those who were supposed to be of assistance to me. so it really hurt my dating life for a while, because if I wasn’t in a relationship with the wrong person (a “safe” person), I was avoiding it altogether until I could prove I was worthy.
with stuff like jobs or applications for a home and the like, the same rules apply. there is no amount of dimming that we can do, in order to fit into that “perfect” situation. and there is no amount of glowing we can do, in order to fit into that “perfect” situation. if the situation is not aligned with us, it will “reject” us. no matter what logic looks like on the outside (logistics like finances, personal appearance, etc). if the situation IS aligned with us, it will not reject us. no matter what the logic looks like on the outside. I’ve heard amazing stories from people who have said “I have NO idea how this happened, but I just won the lottery for my green card or I got this job and there is no way it should have happened, it breaks all of the rules, it’s a miracle”.
the point is, and I heard this statement the other day loudly, re-affirming what I already know but often forget in moments of fear or stress: karma and destiny are actually stronger than free will. now, I understand that, because when I look at a person and just “know” something like “you will get pregnant and deliver, I don’t care what the doctor said, trust me” and then it happens, I am looking at their destiny. when destiny is strong, very little can interfere with it. free will is important, yes, but often that is more about HOW we want to go about the journey versus what the destination point will be. free will is important, too, because if we don’t actually take action, the Universe will DRAG us to the destination point. and that is INCREDIBLY painful. we never, ever want to get dragged. but free will is relative to how we want to experience the journey.
when we have a very strong purpose, and are to be with a certain person or in a certain place, the Universe will conspire in every single way to be sure we land in our destiny. and this is why we can’t be right enough for the wrong person, and we can’t be wrong enough for the right person. we will get shifted around like pieces of chess during the journey. so if you are concerned about your path, your dating life, or your job, take it easy…definitely, by all means, TAKE ACTION — if you don’t, you will indeed be dragged. just don’t worry so much about how perfect the action seems. the Universe will not allow you get it wrong, so long as you are trying.