if you have recently and repeatedly been hurt, disappointed or betrayed, I have good news for you.
in a nutshell: you are going places, and you are being reminded LOUDLY of exactly who, what and where is NOT supposed to come with you.
if you are anything like me, you love to share. you love to uplift. you love to give props to others for no reason or personal gain. you just have a lot to give. and although this is a wonderful quality, as I mention in my last post, there is something MAJOR that must be incorporated into this quality and way of living and that is called: discernment. without this, we simply can not and will not succeed.
over and over and over again, I have had my mind blown by people and situations that I had the best of hopes for. who I only had hope for. who I saw only the good in. and over and over and over again, after I have gotten over the initial disappointment in learning that no, not everyone has something to GIVE (therefore they take — but really, actually end up with nothing in the end), I have seen WHY the hurt, disappointment or betrayal occurred…and this has ALWAYS – without a doubt – been PROTECTION…
as I type this post, Don Henley’s “In A New York Minute” has just come on. if you don’t already know, I tend to channel-write whilst listening to particular hit decade channels on spotify. and if you don’t know this song, read the lyrics. it sums up a lot, much pertaining to this post.
as I look back on my life, and as I’ve elaborated on in my eBooklet1, I have had a series of dark nights of the soul. the majority of my early years on this planet were a dark night no doubt. like one, long, and grey memory, it was marked with my wailing for God to please rescue me. I know that sounds depressing. and it was. much of my life I spent trapped in all ways – mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. as I hid in tight places in the home I grew up in, or in the basement of the church I went to, I would pray to disappear. I would hold my breath so much that I would get dizzy. though I was never suicidal, I would have done ANYTHING to escape my reality. I wasn’t designed to be mentally ill, for better or for worse, so I did not become schizophrenic or dissociative. I believe 100% that this was so I could do the work I am doing now, in a particular way.
once upon a time, I was immediately post-college and post massive awakening — huge ego death, my life had crumbled around me in every way possible, and I truly entered my first CONSCIOUS dark night of the soul (you can read about it here in my eBooklet 1). I had moved back to the Northeast where I was raised, and I was trying to stabilize my life — i.e. get a good/boring job, find a place to live and pay my rent, and daydream about my next steps.
before I had moved back to the Northeast, and during my period of substantial change and chaos, I often ventured out on the town (alone). I loved being alone! (still do). I never knew what the night might hold in terms of who I would meet, or what energy I would feel in xyz space. I would turn on music, pre-party alone, and head out in one of my wild outfits (during this time I also wore a lot of fake hair — a LOT of it) that made me feel like a character in a marvel movie. one night I went to this particular spot that was the spot of the moment. it was always filled with well-known actors, musicians and athletes, and I loved peering in on their world. I didn’t want to be part of it (because I knew what it entailed and either it wasn’t for me, or it wasn’t my “time”), but I did like being around it. I liked being invited places with those people because I found them super interesting and my energy felt safe with other “weirdos” who had somehow “made it”. at this one spot as I refer to above, a man approached me. usually I kept to myself, danced alone in a corner, and just enjoyed observing. on this particular night, I spoke with this very well-mannered, well-dressed man. actually, he was too well-dressed. I almost felt like a peasant around him, lol. he also smelled VERY good. to this day I do not know what flavor of cologne he sported. everything about him was special, worldly, and…intense. he was a laid back guy, had traveled the world, owned hotels in various spots, C-suited/worked in like 3 different industries which were totally unrelated, and rubbed elbows with really incredible people. I kept wanting to understand how he got to where he was, as he was the truest unicorn I had ever met. he was older than me, maybe 15-20 years. I was about 23 or so at the time. while I found him attractive and all of the above, I was not attracted to him. I also found him to be old, lol. in my early 20s I thought that 30+ was dinosaur territory, and I also thought that there was something possibly wrong with anyone who was single over 30. again, lol. anyhow, my new friend made it clear that he had traveled the world and never met an energy like mine before. he was interested. and so at the time, and perhaps for years after that, I just thought that compliment about my energy and being was a come-on. but his words/compliment would resonate super loudly later on…
after a series of explosive bombs and warfare ignited in my internal and external worlds, a couple of years had passed and we were still in touch. he had a to-die-for apartment spanning the penthouse of a wall street building, and he invited me for a night out on the town. I had always felt safe with him despite his interest in me, because he never once made me feel uncomfortable. he took care of me like an older brother would. I did not realize, at the time, how potentially rare it was for a grown man to spend time with a female he was interested in, and ask nothing of her other than platonic friendship. at any rate, we went out for my first night on the NYC town in years. we went to all of the “see and be seen” spots, and back then before social media destroyed the social night life, this was a really great scene. it attracted energy based on actual attraction, not promotion. there was a vibe, in certain places, that can’t be artificially created. as we ordered our first drinks — vodka cranberry — we took a sip and went to the dance floor. within moments he began talking to someone and I began to feel something I’d never felt before. my entire body began to flood with light. I don’t know how else to describe it. I had never taken a party drug before, and certainly never encountered anything that had made me feel that good, and the only thing I could compare this feeling to was being on a ton of pain killers post surgery. but it was beyond even that. as I stood with my drink, feeling this pure ecstasy, I immediately got nervous that I had been slipped a drug. which was nearly impossible. my friend was a health nut, didn’t believe in drugs, and woke up every day at 5am to do yoga at sunrise. I put my drink down and kept feeling my body. I felt so good that I was afraid. it contradicted almost everything I had ever felt in my life, up until that point. I looked around the room again for anyone who might have been the culprit of this intense high I was feeling out of nowhere. I could not pinpoint it, and I almost wanted it to stop because I had no control over knowing the source or the reason for this feeling. at some point the feeling passed, I mentioned it to my friend, and we went back to his incredible penthouse. he let me know that he doesn’t invite people over, not even close friends, because he didn’t want their “energy” in his space. again, I thought he was just trying to compliment me. I went to sleep in his guest room, and I recall feeling just very good and safe. I woke up at 530am to use the bathroom and I saw him doing yoga through his bedroom door. then I went home and forgot all about the experience I had that night.
a couple of years later, I was still forging my path of difficulty and working many different jobs. my interests were so varied and I was concerned that I would never amount to anything on paper because I was pulled in so many different directions. after working in finance and corporate trade and barter, and then advertising, I jumped ship to be my own boss. one of my next “jobs” was photo-doubling on a TV show. I had some direction, but it was all foreign territory and most people around me didn’t understand what I was doing or why. one day on set, my body began to buzz again. loud. I immediately flashed back to the experience that I had with my older man friend that night, in the nightclub. I thought well, ok, definitely no one has slipped me any kind of mind or body altering substance, and I remember this feeling. as I sat on breaks on set that day, I began googling like a maniac. I came across kundalini rising. BAM. things started to make sense…I consciously understood what was brewing inside of me.
I looked back at the time that I met this special man. I recalled his overwhelming resonance with my energy field. I recalled being at my rock bottom in all ways in life, feeling like a complete mess, but recognizing that people still wanted to be around me….??? I thought about how during that phase of destruction, there was a new energy birthing inside of me. I couldn’t recognize it at the time, but others sure did…I realized that this first period of tremendous difficulty in my life was maybe somehow connected to this…kundalini thing I was reading about!? but what was it? I connected the first set of dots and realized that my chakras were experiencing a cleansing during the time that I met my friend. they continued, during my years of difficulty, to clear. and when we reconnected a couple of years later, I was able to “meet” the energy that he had recognized in me, but that I could not yet see in myself. I HAD to call him from the TV set that day…
my eyes began to well up as I understood the fact that he “saw” me. I realized that it was more than a physical or intellectual attraction to/from him. and I realized that the power of his being intimidated me, though I loved being around it. as I reached out to him that day on set, I told him “my entire body is buzzing — I think I am experiencing a kundalini awakening/rising, do you know what that is?” we had never spoken about kundalini or many such words that the average person doesn’t throw around in their vocabulary. he said to me “this is the energy that we have been sharing since the day that we met”. even writing this makes my eyes well up with tears. this was the first “real” connection that I had with another human being, and I was so young. I had nothing to compare it to. he was there to prompt some of my own energy that no one else could prompt. this is real, by the way. we all have meridian lines that only certain people can help us ignite. we are equal in rights not in energy. know this!!!
looking back at this period of my life, I feel great affection for it. I had not realized at the time, how special this man was in my life. he also seemed “too good”, if that makes sense. I never thought I could measure up to his class, his achievements, his worldly knowing, etc. I would not say that I felt inadequate, but perhaps just rather in awe. and as I recall our encounters I shudder in the resonance that he “saw” me the whole time. even when I did not see myself. and if he had explained what that truly was at the time, I would not have understood it anyhow. he knew and understood things that I did not, during that time. and he let me be. because he didn’t see me, he saw…ME. my first experience with kundalini involved being seen. SEEN.
our processes are always met with the right people and the right energies, at the right time. someone may be assisting us in ways that we will not understand until much later in life. knowing how divinely ordered this seems to have been in my life brings me tremendous peace. even on my worst days. understanding the chaos as well as the bliss brings me tears of joy and gratitude.
kundalini energy is something that we share with a certain soul group. this is my belief, I have not read that belief anywhere else (yet). and again it is because we are each so different in our energetic make-up. sometimes we “stumble” upon one of its group members during a strange time in our life. I have concluded that it is usually during a chaotic time. and the person we will stumble upon will have already passed through the eye of the needle. and in doing so, when the two energies connect, the seasoned energy can hold space for the person who has no idea what is about to hit them/their life. it’s fucking beautiful.
there is no shortcut out of an ego death. there is no shortcut out of a dark night of the soul. there is no stopping a spiritual awakening. the only way out is through, so stop resisting.
before I begin to address the above subject(s), let me start by saying that it is important to me that no one confuse any actual mental illness or chemical imbalance with what I describe in this eBooklet. often times, particular “awakening” phases can mimic symptoms of true mental illness and it is important to know the difference. symptoms of a mystical/philosophical variety and actual mental illness can “look similar” and at the same time there are DISTINCTIVE differences. and, many people who are mentally ill or who do have a mental illness are characterized by denial – even and especially during full-blown symptoms. if you are having ANY experiences that affect your ability to function in the outside world for days at a time, i.e. sleep, eat, and socialize with others, and/or if you are hearing audible voices or feel paranoid, it is very important to consider a consultation with a good psychiatrist. you may just be in an awakening process, you may in fact have a chemical situation in your brain that needs support, or you may have BOTH happening at the same time! so, that is to say that NOT everything you are going through that could be considered “bizarre” or “unique” is in fact such; classic mystical and philosophical states have their own category outside of a mental health condition and you have to know how that may or may not apply to your overall condition. this is a very tricky territory for some people to navigate, especially since the “intangible” or “mystical” is typically faced with complete intolerance and indifference in the medical community, and my heart goes out to anyone in a position where they actually need treatment and medication. I cannot imagine the added difficulty it presents for them. sometimes a massive awakening presents as a one-time psychotic break that mimics an illness yet it is not an illness. many times, however, a psychotic break is the indicator of the onset of a life-long condition that needs attention.
one of my major goals in this life, especially during this time of awakening on our planet, is to provide support for distinguishing a spiritual awakening, ego death, and/or dark night of the soul from an actual mental health crisis. in doing so, the actual mental health crisis – whether separate or accompanying the processes I describe here – can perhaps be addressed in a more cutting-edge and more powerful/effective way by medical professionals. many of the medical professionals I know personally who work at a high level in the fields of psychiatry or psychology are actually sensitives/intuitives themselves, and they have been forbidden to go near esoteric subjects from the time they were studying at University. introducing the esoteric or intangible to the science and medical communities has proven extremely difficult in mainstream medicine and psychiatry. fortunately, there are brave souls and doctors how have put their reputations on the line and broken the mold. I am excited because more and more of these special individuals are coming forward to help bridge the gap. the stigma around mental illness and chemicals in the brain is still awful, and treatment measures could and will be a lot better than what they have been up until this point.
I also want to state that I, personally, have no history of mental illness. while I enjoy/ed reading scores of books on various conditions and discussing them with my friends who were/are mental health professionals, I never experienced what I know those who suffer from actual conditions experience. however if I was, you had better believe that I would be a major personal public advocate for mental health based on my own story. if you are suffering chemically, please have a look at amazing, inspirational people who have both accepted, addressed and overcome the challenges they have been presented with. here are two to start with, Miss Elyn Saks, and Miss Eleanor Longden.
there should be NO shame or fear around chemical matters of the brain, yet shame and fear seem to permeate so many beautiful and talented humans who do experience chemical imbalances in the brain. I will do my best, with my various sensitivities both emotionally and physiologically, Bridging the Gap Between Medical & Spiritual™
most of the people I see are in the middle of one of these three processes. depending on the person, the process will move “fast” or “slow” – and time is most certainly an illusion during these phases, so it might as well be irrelevant to discuss time. everyone wants to know “how long”? “how much longer do I have to go through this”? my answer is always the same: how much longer do you want to keep resisting?
until we surrender to the throes of something we don’t understand, haven’t experienced before and cannot control, we will remain in a painful state. which is the whole point of visiting that state in the first place! we were brought there to surrender. this is not something that humans typically do well. we are raised in a culture of control, and now more than ever a culture of instant satisfaction; instant knowing. instant controlling. this is not how the internal human experience is designed, though.
through my practice, I have had the absolute fortune and divine intervention to attract many powerful future healers and leaders who will publicly lead and speak on hybrid subjects of medicine/metaphysics/spirituality and extended topics. they are the new generation of the Marianne Williamson, the Eckhart Tolle, the Caroline Myss… the truth is that we are on the crest of a new wave as science, metaphysics and spirit merge. the definitions that these words have been given are broader and more relatable than we think. due to my acute awareness of “average” popular belief that the work I (and others like me) do was created in a palm tree somewhere in Malibu, creating a community of sound, educated (not that it matters, but it WILL matter to CERTAIN people – half of my patients are ivy league and some hold more than one MD and PHD) and bold leading edge presenters of ALL DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS on these subjects is a goal that is being realized through my practice every single day. there is SO much to come and at the most exciting time, in my opinion, on this planet.
here is Courtney’s story; she started her practice just weeks after we met, and you can find her at “Healing Heart And Reiki With Courtney”. remember her.. one to watch in the future:
[As a reminder, all of the topics and many of the excerpts listed here on my blog, fortunately, will be compiled in cohesive and edited fashion in my upcoming book. For now, please enjoy here the raw and unpolished bones that are my skeleton!]
One of the fascinating aspects of being a true empath is the actual physiological experience of physically/mentally/emotionally experiencing someone ELSE’s thoughts/feelings (of physical, psychological, emotional and so on). For this post, I try to focus more specifically on the physical.
First of all, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? It means that our human bodies, all of them, are built like antennas. We are either tuned in or tuned out, with varying degrees in between. The more tuned in we are, the more we “pick up” — but then the more tuned in we are, the more we have to … TUNE IN! What do I mean? I mean that once we recognize we are actually picking up experiences (for the sake of this particular post, I will keep it limited to physical symptoms) that belong to another person, we are then put in a position where we must interpret said recognition. WHY? Because the Universe has messages for all of us, all day long, to help guide us on our individual and collective paths. We can’t judge or control it, it just is. Why else? Because our ability to FEEL from a distance lets us know that we are way more than we have been programmed to believe…and this is important on many levels, especially as we advance in “science” and “medicine”. There is a current important and strong gap being bridged between spirit and science/medical. When we begin to learn that there are “other” explanations for “medical diagnoses” (that often come from persistent physical+ symptoms such as I am describing here) and so on, people can begin ditching the unneeded and harmful meds that are thrown at them out of habit/laziness/lack of information…and begin digging deeper into the actual/real message at hand!
WHAT TO DO WITH IT? If you don’t know where/who it is coming from, start to try to know. As it happens more and more, pay attention to who you are speaking with or feeling from a distance. If you think it is yours, but you are not sure, write it down. Pay attention to who calls/emails/texts you within that a 30-minute window (usually post-sensation/awareness). It might be a high stream of energy, or a low one; neither is “bad” or “good”, they each just are. First figuring out where/who it is coming from is important; it may be from/for your mom who calls you 15 minutes later, or it might be from/for the woman you sit down next to at Starbucks in 30 seconds; You will get better and better at identifying the source of this energy. What you will begin to be able to do are a few important things 1) discern what is NOT yours 2) discern who is “reaching out to you” energetically 3) give a 3rd party an indication of something that is perhaps going on with them. This kind of intuition is purposeful, though we may not realize it at the time.
For me, personally, this occurs most often 1) when a patient calls me for the first time 2) the night before a patient session 3) during a patient session 4) right after a patient session 5) all of the time 😉 I notice 1) – 4) the most, though. When someone calls me, asking about my practice, I almost immediately get a feeling/sensation in my physical body. My physical vessel starts going off like a radio. I then narrow down the part of my body that is being signaled, and I notice that there are about 20+ different types of signals I get in that specific body part…then, out of experience with hundreds of people, I am able to intuit exactly what it means. I will know right away what emotional baggage or experience is clogged within a person (sometimes down to the year/a specific age), even if they believe it is only medical. This, in turn, sets the stage for some magic when we decide to work together…
I have kept this very brief and hopefully coherent…but my point here is that if you are an empath/feel people physically or otherwise and they are not even near you (or even if they are!, it is just harder to interpret intuitively when they are not), try to get clearer on the fact that 1) the feelings may not be “yours” — so it doesn’t mean you are “dying” of some disease when your stomach hurts you 10x per day! 2) you are being accessed all day long, even just through thought, and it is important to stay extra healthy/tuned in so that nothing can access you for too long! we can get run down in this way 3) as humans we are being guided to help others! you can give others information once you get good at interpreting this kind of information. It will eventually become undebatable, and most importantly helpful, when you are able to see clearly what is going on with someone either near or far in proximity to you, and relate that information to them in a way that highlights old emotions/experiences that have physically manifest themselves for hopeful release.
The experiences I speak of here are actually incredibly primitive, versus “new agey”. They are nothing weird or to be afraid of. Many people don’t speak about these things because it makes them feel isolated, as if it is all in their head, and as if they are the only ones experiencing them. Give yourself the opportunity to understand the experience of “feeling” someone else’s physical experience, and you will be surprised at just how good you get…and how much good can come from it.
I want to comment on personal integrity. it sounds like a simple concept, but it is often not an easy one. we go against ourselves many times in life, before we realize it based on exterior consequences with people and things around us. not too long ago, my entire physical world collapsed; I was losing my apartment, couldn’t afford to eat for days at a time, and had to “borrow” toilet paper from public restrooms (the long and detailed story of “how” I got there is divine, synchronistic, and will be kept separate from this post, and will surely be in my book)…that said, I was still in a space where I was afraid to share my energy work in a public fashion. a loud voice kept screaming at me to share my work beyond quiet referrals and endless non-profit work. when I finally “agreed” to listen to the Universe and I began sharing more publicly what I did, my whole world began to shift. this was step ONE of my personal integrity — having the courage to make myself vulnerable to the only thing that really mattered to me…helping others…even if I might be criticized for it or people close to me didn’t understand. then came step TWO: I knew that I couldn’t/shouldn’t work with everyone (let alone spend time with just anyone). so, while sometimes starving and having my phone or internet shut off, I would say NO to working with certain people — because I knew intuitively it was not the right time for them or simply not the right session. I was looking out for the higher and greater good of all parties instead of my own primal needs. this was not easy, and I questioned myself. however, after a few instances of these types of difficult integrity-based decisions, it was like a lightning rod hit my life…it lit up. with THE most amazing patients, acquaintances, friends, etc. it was as if, at least temporarily, the hard lessons were over. I am not saying I am perfect at making the perfect decisions 100% of the time, but what I AM saying is that integrity is HUGE in our lives. when we go against ourselves due to fear or insecurity of being alone or “without”, we screw ourselves even harder. often the hardest decisions bring the biggest rewards. INTEGRITY…a true survival tool. we must ask ourselves, daily, what that REALLY means.