I am so grateful to get to work with people of such inner-caliber. working with Sharon was a treasure, and I really appreciate her video testimonial. I haven’t posted every Healing Elaine® video out there to my blog, so feel free to visit my YouTube channel and subscribe for updates there. in addition, the subscription box for my blog is back on the home page of this here website, if you would like to subscribe to blog updates.
every session or otherwise Healing Elaine® related experience is different (including my TEM® and PE™ offerings), and everyone processes them differently, but the bottom line is resounding gut level connectivity – for both/all parties. I believe that there is someone for everyone. so, even if you never see me, perhaps some of my videos will open you to the thought that you have someone out there who you can and will connect to and who will perhaps open a window in your mind’s eye. we never walk this journey alone, even if the other people walking alongside us we will never meet; we are still walking beside many people who think and feel as we do. and it may help to know just that as you go about your day/week/life.
FRIENDLY DISCLAIMER: Healing Elaine® / Elaine is a Reiki Practitioner and Ordained Minister, but is not a physician, dietitian, nutritionist, or psychotherapist. Her advice, workshops, written content, and healing sessions are considered supplementary in nature and should not be a replacement for conventional medicine or psychiatric care. Please consult your physician or other licensed healthcare professional for any physical or psychological ailments you may be suffering or think you may have. By attending any seminar, class or session provided by Healing Elaine® / Elaine, you acknowledge that in no event will (Healing Elaine® / Elaine) be liable in any way directly or indirectly for damages resulting from information, data, classes or healing sessions provided or for the loss of profits through the use or misuse of said information and data, either via its use, negligence or other actions.
while much of what I write about IS in fact heavy, or could be considered to be heavy by some, I avoid sensationalized topics/events/politics for a whole variety of reasons. that said, when I feel pulled from my core (not my mind) to write on something that comes close to what may serve as to some peace of mind for others, I write it. for example, I have a post about Hollywood that I wrote pre-HW (I don’t even like to write out their names) explosion, and right now that post is private. I am working on monetizing certain posts, because I give away SO much in my blog and certain posts should simply be monetized.
this morning, after meditating and gaging the so-called energy of the day, I opened my twitter account (I really avoid the news, in general, for the very good reason that I do not want it setting the tone for my day and a lot of it is pure garbage anyhow). the first thing I noticed was the interview and energy of one young woman named Jennifer. and for starters before I go into that, while I find particular movements to be valuable, I am also acutely aware of the fact that there are many people who take advantage of them. by lying. for MANY different reasons, too. blanket statements and movements are difficult in this way, and I prefer to look at EVERYTHING and everyone in life on a case by case basis. a person is different than a concept or an idea. they are an individual, made like no one else on this planet. it is important to see every person, and every situation, as totally unique. so when I saw Jennifer speaking to a news correspondent about her ordeal with JE (again, not interested in giving the vibration of this person’s name a platform here, but if you do watch the news and even if you do not, you can google it), I could almost feel the entire sequence of events that she went through. I don’t always feel that way, because there have been too many other people who LIE. on national television. to the world. because they are shameless and politically-driven. sometimes bought and paid for. obviously. anyway…
all humans lie at one point or many in their lifetimes. lying can keep people alive in dangerous situations. it can also create illness (I’m sure you know the very true quote, “we’re only as sick as our secrets”), chaos, and very bad karma — not just for the person lying, but for the person being lied to…
I’m going to talk more so about the importance of understanding when you are being lied to, so that you do not take on the karma of the person lying or of the lie itself. because believe me when I say this: WE BECOME WHO WE SPEND TIME WITH. WE BECOME WHO WE TALK TO. WE BECOME WHATEVER WE EXPOSE OURSELVES TO.
I’ve addressed this topic more times than I can recall; in my blog, in sessions, in countless conversations with all kinds of (amazing) people — rejection is protection, always, in every case. it just depends upon our ability to perceive the protection dynamic…
for starters, I understand first-hand what it means to be my own worst enemy and take things personally when it comes to being “rejected”. I might venture to say that, many times in the past, I created rejection scenarios to impose upon myself when they didn’t really exist to begin with. what created those scenarios was my interpretation of events. in order to understand my interpretation, read this blog from the beginning and you will find countless self-share examples that explain my experiences and subsequent wiring that had to be altered in order to live out who I AM. instead of who I am NOT…
I understand how the brain protects itself — by interpreting rejection as actual rejection when it is not such — in order to “keep the entire body and brain alive” by repeating patterns that at one point DID ensure survival. but what happens when we move closer to detaching from the once-necessary pessimism that literally kept us alive? well what happens is, we encounter “rejection” to the MAXIMUM…to kill off a dead-end belief or entire belief system. in this space, we are challenged with the ultimate rejections, and in many cases, a series of rejections. they feel real. they don’t feel like protection. they ARE protection. every time…
the very fact that we can not perceive the beauty of rejection as a metaphor for incredible and divine protection is evidence that our self-image needs to change. we ALL face (perceived) rejection. each and every one of us. it’s what tethers us to unhealthy patterns that we repeat in business, home, social, and beyond. if we dare look beneath the pattern, which many of us simply will never do, we find our deepest fear and ASSOCIATION with what we consider to be “rejection”. and when we get closer to unhinging – or rather our soul declares we must unhinge – a belief that is holding us hostage to a past situation, we attract “rejection” aka protection to the most ultimate extreme. it is in the sheer seeming ABSURDITY of said “rejection” that is our first and main indicator that perhaps…we are being protected.
as we get closer to ending a pattern, rejection will accumulate to such a degree that we are so humbled that there is just no more fighting it. we almost do not care about the feelings we once associated with the perceived rejection, because we are bowled over with the absurdity of such. have you ever been in a position in life in which the only available remaining response to your position was laughter? no matter how life-threatening, how dire, how horrendous — laughter was the only option because it felt like a big joke and there is no way that God could be that cruel? this is the turning point of recognizing rejection as actual protection. and it is in this space that we actually RISK changing our mind about what is happening. because, we are the common denominator…and, what if there is something “right” about us, that is at play here?
what is “right” about us will scare off the demons. literally. demons might present THROUGH others, and their actions, versus actually BE others. it’s important to recognize that someone’s behavior is not necessarily who they are, but that it is indeed either helping us or killing us with little room for negotiation between the two motives. and in that behavior, we may struggle to negotiate or understand their conscious intention versus their unconscious intention…creating illusion around the core point of our experience with another person or situation because INTELLECT is separate from the unconscious mind. what is “RIGHT” about us will seem to completely be honored by intangible forces in a particular situation yet COUNTERED by the logic of it. that means that, “this makes no sense!!!!! I can’t get my head around it!!!!”, but this also means that, “there is something so strong, too strong, too repetitive and loud about what is happening here, I must consider trusting it”…
what is “right” about us will exaggerate the experiences that we have with others that would be considered “rejection” experiences…to the point in which we actually turn the page and risk seeing the truth: that we are being protected.
I’ve had this conversation more in the past 9 months than ever before in my life. my personal life presented SO MANY experiences over the past fiscal year that appeared DAUNTING — I felt that I was absolutely being rejected by the entire Universe, as well as specific individuals who did not honor or respect me. some of these people I had looked up to as semi-guides, helpers, friends, — those I thought would be along for the ride with me for life with regard to my work and soul’s purpose. I was wrong — or rather, God did NOT want me to ride with certain people anymore. and it wasn’t just people. it was ALL KINDS of situations in life in general that had expired. doors were slamming and locking in my face. and as much as I know, and have been through on this front already many times over in the past, one can never be prepared for their entire life to change for the better…because all of the swampness comes up and OUT before it does. we see it leave. we watch and feel it leave. we grieve it. and we assign it unfortunate meaning, until we do not assign it that meaning.
in the past fiscal year I’ve faced more difficulty than ever before in my life, with “rejection” — aka PROTECTION. as I’ve had many rounds with this notion already, I did KNOW what was happening. however, at a pinnacle moment around the fall of last year, I briefly lost sight of the positive aspects of protection that were being sent my way by dismantling ALL KINDS OF THINGS AND RELATIONSHIPS. it had reached comedic proportions. the literal front door of my apartment building LOCKED ME IN one night — as in, the door lock broke, locked me in, and there was no out. although I was experiencing one of the most difficult periods of my life, I marveled at the symbolism gifted to my by the Universe: I was being PROTECTED. the Universe said “you may not walk through this door again”. and so, as life does, I experienced the ultimate forms of protection in all kinds of ways: bad behaviors from others, screw-overs, broken trust, disappointments, and shocking loss. and at the end of it? I emerged as a different person. because I had no choice left but to understand this, again, as PROTECTION. at the peak of my brokenness, I wrote this post on betrayal and it still resonates in my gut when I re-read it.
this morning I had two conversations with AMAZING WOMEN who are recently climbing out of “rejection” and now able to see it as PROTECTION. as I always say: NOT ALL ENERGY IS EQUAL. it doesn’t matter what something looks like: we know not what resides underneath that 3D surface. there are all kinds of amazing reasons for all kinds of terrible things. and in my conversations today I was reminded double-time as to why I went through some of the very most ridiculous shit of my life last fall and winter. it was fodder to help those also on the crux of that exact precipice. it was to ensure: not only am I better, lighter, happier as a result of my “rejections”, but I am GROUNDED as hell and literally not the same person I was 9 months ago. doors that did not serve me, in all forms, were closed FOR me. there comes a point in time in which we must CHOOSE how to view these disappointments versus think we can intellectualize why things happen…this is the human trap — figuring it all out instead of LIVING IT ALL OUT.
I find that the most INCREDIBLE people I know have gone through the most incredible “rejection” aka protection to land where they are (in great places that many people covet). the hazing associated with understanding how to interpret rejection as protection is legit. and it is reserved for the few who are able to shift their consciousness, move out of victim consciousness, and literally choose a new life. a lot happens before we can perceive rejection as protection — a lot happens on internal psycho-emotional levels. and you can read about that process in other posts of mine, scattered throughout this entire blog. but I wanted to share today, AGAIN, about the raw fact surrounding “rejection”: IT NEVER IS.
recently I’ve had a ton of type A people aggressively approach me because they see things that they think they “want” or can “take” (see my eBooklet 3 – what they really want is intangible, they just have not figured that out yet!) — and I already know the drill. I know that they are going to come at me hard and fast, pitch me a sales pitch to convince me that I should do xyz (so that they can benefit, only it’s presented as a mutual benefit), and then find out that they CAN’T actually get xyz thing…because you can’t absorb or steal someone else’s consciousness. and in each of these encounters, they run away when they can’t find the “benefit” for themselves…mostly because they are not sure what they are running toward in the first place. they see a shiny penny and they aren’t sure how that penny shines, but they want/think they can glean the secret formula. these types of people always see the outside of me/my work, and never the inside of me/my work. these are not patients of mine, these are real-world folks. all the ones who think strategically but NOT intuitively and believe that they can monetize me…except they have no understanding of what is being monetized — clearly, that is where *I* come in and how I get paid. it’s not a trinket I can sell to someone. and in all of the many situations I’ve experienced with others who thought they could cherry-pick off my tree for free and actually gain something, I’ve had the choice in each instance as to how to perceive what’s happened. as typically what happens when someone realizes they can’t get something for free, they depart. departure can feel like abandonment or rejection. it’s not. it’s protection from people who do not have best interests in mind because they don’t understand a certain energy. and my default is now set to the point, thanks to having gone through this in SO many categories of life, of absolutely bypassing any emotion or internalized personalization of what’s occurred. it’s never rejection anymore. I never feel bad about it. it’s always protection. and when we have something unique, something important, it’s “of course” that not every random Joe off the street can or should understand our commodity. in this sense, we are being protected from wasting time, energy, and so on. and I am grateful to be in a place where there feels absolutely nothing “personal” about this and is certainly not even close to rejection in my interpretation. I see it a mile away, watch it play out, and smile at how it has not a shred of “rejection” essence to touch within me. it just doesn’t exist in me anymore. this is a 180 from how my life began and how I continued it for years out of “survival” and outdated agreements with my mind-adrenaline.
allow people to disappoint you. screw you over. hurt you. offend you. steal from you. THEY ARE IN YOUR LIFE TO SHOW YOU WHAT YOU ARE NOT, if only you can stop committing to what they symbolize for you. what they take away with them, is your old wounds. it takes a full magnet of darkness (that person or situation) to pull out the fragmented marbleized darkness hanging out within your psychological, emotional and physical astral/spheres. when the fragments that have been assigned to you by others who have nothing to do with your path are removed by others who also have nothing to do with your path, you can understand protection. this is where the ultimate freedom, and even unconditional love for all things, exists.
rejection is protection. always. you’re better than you think. probably an anomaly. a Unicorn. a treasure. in that sense why WOULD the world understand you right off the bat? you’re being asked to understand the WORLD. allow yourself to be assassinated in all kinds of ways in order to re-discover, or discover for the first time, who you actually are. protected.
we will be about an hour outside of the city. this spot in particular is one of my most favorite locations in the Northeast.
the mini-retreat will run similarly to a workshop; 3pm-9pm Friday, 3pm-9pm Saturday, and 3pm-9pm Sunday. all lodging and all dinners will be included. each person will receive a private/individual healing built into the weekend. since we have worked together before, this is an opportunity (perhaps in lieu of a pop-up) to go deeper for a longer period of time, and connect with a couple of my other patients. this mini-retreat will host a couple or a few people. since this is a holiday weekend with some of my FAVORITE numerology (and one of my favorite holidays), AND a full moon on the 19th, we really have some super tailwinds assisting us here.
call 917-985-1221 and leave a voicemail if you are interested.
it sounds like a paradox to most: forgive in order to become free; versus forgive in order to re-enter (hence try to fix/alter/accept toxicity, danger or abuse — AGAIN…).
it can be an endless pattern for many people, and it is. a few months ago I was chatting with a friend of mine. he “gets” what I do for work, but he’s not close to surrender (as I will refer to it throughout this post). and it’s fine. I told him that. it’s not a judgement on him – we speak our opinions about one another freely without offense. he criticizes me and doesn’t always understand me. and he also asks for and heeds my advice, such as on the subject I’m writing about. by the way these types of relationships are crucial in our lives, because if we a) need everyone to agree with us or b) can’t risk being offended, then it is not a healthy relationship. the same can be said about friendships and relationships in reference to politics etc, and I’ve said it before: I have friends on all sides of every equation out there. all countries. all religions. all political forms and allegiances. and all opinions are valid in this life. I digress…
typically when we think of the word suicidal, we think of depression. we think of self-harm. and I will say that suicide is very misunderstood, because I have seen and understood “suicidal” from a wider vantage point than many might attempt to / explain it.
just as mysterious as we might discover love, fate/destiny, otherwise uncontrollable and medically inexplicable feelings within an otherwise very psychologically stable person, and unexplainable events or occurrences, we might also find alongside those things – suicide.
there are different archetypes of the notion “suicidal” from a medical and clinical perspective; they can be googled, read about and researched elsewhere. plenty of research and studies have been conducted along the lines of what we already know. I am here to discuss the archetype that has not been written about before, or at least not in this way: the spiritual…with a bridge to the medical. it is my hope to potentially provide greater understanding about human connection — the one we have to our self, within the soul (5d)/body (3d)context — and how that relates to what we call suicidal.
we all have that one person, and/or that one subsequent benchmark experience (that is, if we can recognize them/it) that helped shape us and our life for the better.
although a therapist once told me (and I still believe her) that I suffer from “pathological gratitude”, lately I have been reflecting on the people and experiences who and that, nonetheless, helped shape my life. maybe some of it is pathological gratitude, but even if so, I am still consciously grateful for who and that which helped remind me of who I’ve always been and where I am capable of going.
I’ll start at the earliest point in my life. there was a couple who lived across the street from me starting from when I was about 9 months old. Charlie and Sue. they did not have children, just dogs. the person I was most connected to, or who was most connected to me, was Charlie. my earliest memories include Charlie. as early as I could walk, I recall being with Charlie. as I sat on his lap and talked about his dogs (his dogs were a huge part of his life), he gazed at me with love in his eyes. this love had no attachment. this love had no need. this love had no expectation. it was perhaps my first recollection of unconditional love. I can recall, even now, what I felt: seen, special, connected, and loved. I moved away when I was just 4, so my time with Charlie was brief and intermittent. apparently when he died a few years ago (I only recently discovered that fact), I was in photos of a slideshow that was presented at his remembrance ceremony. it was only recently that I made a huge connection to the meaning of Charlie in my life: he provided me with a protective energy that would last a lifetime. how do I know this? because when I look at his photo today, I STILL FEEL THAT FEELING. the feeling that I had as a toddler. why is this important to share?
recently a close friend of mine went through a breakup. his partner has a young daughter who he was introduced to when she was very little. he was with his partner for over half a decade, no doubt leaving a very strong impression on the life of this little girl. as he spoke to me about the angst he felt in his heart for being apart from the little girl, and concern for her well-being and remembrance of him on her part in the future, I was reminded of my own experience with Charlie. what we often forget is how powerful and impressionable the mind and heart of a young child are; they never, ever forget. they forget things that are indeed dangerous…but they always remember the love. the positive. and all it takes is one positive to outweigh thousands of negatives in the form of people and experiences. no, it does not erase trauma or difficulty…but it will, at a certain point, prevail over negativity. our experiences with people are imprinted upon our soul, and for better or for worse, we recall them and bring them into our consciousness (either during our life span or on our death bed — either way it is inescapable! it’s just a matter of timing) one day. pain leaves us…love stays. ultimately.
the next memory of someone who shaped my life is one that came about in a very indirect fashion, and it’s sort of sad/raw. but I have to tell it. if you have been reading my blog for a time, you will have already gotten the gist of my life, even if sometimes cryptically described — that said, this next memory won’t sound too off-color. I was a prepubescent child. it was Christmas eve. those who were to care for and love me went to a neighbor’s house in the evening. while there, the very essence and truth of my being was thrown under the bus by those who were there to care for and love me. upon hearing such alarming and negative words come from such a seemingly unlikely source, the owner of the house, the neighbor, became enraged. instead of just playing politics for the sake of saving face and having to see his neighbors every day, this man (a real man, I would later understand) stood up and began screaming in defense of me. he called me one of the sweetest, kindest children he had ever met – and then he kicked out the people who were supposed to love and care for me. on Christmas eve. his rage and (rightful) upset over what he witnessed, a crime against a small child, was so intense that he woke his own children with his roaring anger and words (who were close in age to me). years later, I would hear this story told by this man’s own children. it didn’t start to hit me until I was in proper therapy, that someone had actually tried to defend me in my life. it was nobody close to me (otherwise my life would have been very different), but someone did indeed defend me. I just wasn’t there to witness it. but hearing about it proved to be a God-send, only many years later. what that man did for me mattered. it still matters. and a current piece of me in present day can connect to that timeline and feel gratitude. and protection.
during my second internship in college, I was paired with a software development company. my skill-sets and focus weren’t necessarily the best match for this company, but the founder, Phil, resonated with my passion for modern languages and travel. during the interview, he asked me what led to my interest in foreign culture, and I let him know that my first boyfriend was from another country. that seemed to be the clincher! – he could relate, as he himself wanted and had decided to marry a non-American! he impressed upon me the fact that intrinsic resonance was more important than technical skills or a resume, and he gave me a very important opportunity. aside from training or retraining my mind to think analytically (I was an analyst slash data entry person for his company), I learned interpersonal skills I had never learned before. he taught me about the acronym/word ASS-U-ME. I learned that almost everything I had learned up until that point was…not very helpful if I was going to make it in the world and be successful with any employer. he questioned not just my office skills, but my interpersonal skills. I cried in my car after work a few times, and sometimes even in the bathroom at work. I always knew he was a great person, so I didn’t blame him – I realized that he was showing me a new way of living and communicating, since my methods at that time would not serve me in the future. it was hard for me to change. but he gave me a chance. he saw me. and I realized that he could have chosen “better” in terms of the technical skills that would have been optimal for his company, but he worked with me both as an employee and as a human being. he brought heart and business into one setting for me. and it changed the way I looked at the world, and myself (can’t have one without the other, right?).
the next person who helped me to “see” myself, was my first true “boss” out of college. I took a sales job. an on-the-road sales job. door-to-door. C-Suite talk only. meaning, we were not allowed to discuss, on any level, a sale with anyone who was not a C-Suite. imagine that! we were not allowed to email prospects. it was all face-to-face, or via phone, or nothing at all. and they had to be top decision makers…or nothing at all. now to be clear, I was TERRIFIED of public speaking, and I was TERRIFIED of walking into (sometimes nearly breaking and entering!) an office building and demanding at the reception desk to see the CEO or CFO. I basically took my absolute worst nightmare job…because I knew I needed to grow. so this first boss is named Sean. we are still in contact to this day. at any rate, Sean hired me. and he trained me. I watched this 25 year old man blaze into offices in his suit (we were required to wear suits), casually and firmly demand to speak with the CEO, and act like it was normal. at first, I would stand there with embarrassment — I couldn’t believe anyone could be so brazen! but he did it with careful confidence. he did not let fear get in the way. I had a long way to go before I felt I could get there. but within a few months, I was there. it started with me entering offices and running out, due to fear. and it ended with me confidently asking to meet with the CEO on the spot (the company’s model was a 15 second pitch-to-close — or nothing was happening!). I became one of the company’s top sales people at that time, because I believed in the service, but also because Sean believed in me. he didn’t mind that I was socially awkward, or that I was hypervigilant or would probably shake at first or that my voice was in my throat most of the time. he let me burn some leads because I was not perfect or successful yet. and his belief in me, and his kindness toward me, changed me. it simply showed me that I didn’t have to not believe in myself or keep my head down.
the next person who shaped my life for the better happened to be an astrologer. her name was/is Veronica. I have no idea whether or not she is still alive. she came from London and lived in CT. I was 26 and I went to see her for a life consult. as we sat together for 3 hours, she shared some very raw and tough-to-hear truths about my life, my past, and my future. since I had become so accustomed to criticism throughout my life, I was able to sit there and hear whatever she needed to say (this is one of the perks of not being coddled and told “you’re the greatest”). the most important thing that she shared with me in her candid read on me and my life, was my destiny. I knew it, always, in my heart. yet, I was so scared of who that person was, because I was trained to be the opposite of that person. clearly, Veronica could see this, and it pissed her off a great deal. it’s funny, because now in my line of work, I see and feel the same way when young women come to me: rage and compassion surrounding things that have been taken from them – and it is my mission to return to them their intrinsic gifts. at any rate, Veronica sat and told me what was so clearly in my chart, and when she said it I sobbed a big loud sob. she didn’t waiver. she told me that I was crying because it was true. I said yes. and there it was. I had permission, for the first time in my life, to become what I already was — underneath a sea of opposition. and after that reading, that is exactly what I did: I went and became what I had always been, and was always meant to be. I am still expanding my wings to this day, and I won’t stop until I am dead. and probably not after that, either, FYI.
the “final” person and experience who/that shaped my life seems, even while writing this, almost innocuous due to the brevity of such…but the impact of it supersedes duration. and because it stands out so acutely, it is certainly a big part of who I am today. when I was starting Healing Elaine® – and I was just called it “Elaine” at the time – I was interviewing for part-time work within the sphere of what I do. I hadn’t fully come out of the spiritual closet at that time, and I didn’t have enough money for rent based on my work. so I spent my entire days and often nights looking for tie-in work with which I could earn, while handing out my “Elaine” business cards during the day. I found a top psychiatrist who was looking for a bilingual admin slash receptionist, and it seemed perfect! I had started as a psych major in college, and I minored in modern languages. I didn’t get the job, but I walked out with more than a job. when I went to the interview, he let me know that part of the process was to take an aptitude test that he had designed himself. I took the test, and I recall thinking DURING it that I could be doing better on it. he kept looking at me with curiosity, it felt. at the end of the test, he looked at me and said: “most people do not do that well on that test”. I was like, OK, and…and then he said it again, firmly, looking me directly in the eyes. it hit me, many months later, that what he was trying to tell me was that I was good enough. that I was worthy. and that I was better than I knew. perhaps that parts of me were above average. he could see that I could not see myself the way I was, the way that God had designed for me to see myself. and to this day, his words and focus upon me resonate and reverberate and heal me. that half-hour interview is still in my DNA. and I am grateful for it.
I wanted to write about this today, because I have recently been hearing about and seeing examples of lives that were positively touched in the simplest of ways…ways in which we often underestimate, regardless of our dynamic in a particular relationship. sometimes “just doing our job” as a boss or mentor — even if we teach someone a difficult lesson — can be savored many, many years later. and appreciated. and it can be life-changing. actions have power…we may not be able to stop child abuse, but we can certainly confront abusers by telling them “NO!” – whether that child is present or not. that energy goes a long way. as does love. just being in the presence (no matter how short of a time it may be, and no matter personal or professional in capacity) of someone who loves us because they are connected to themselves in some way, can heal even the deepest of wounds.
a few years ago, I re-entered therapy for a couple of years. I had never had a steady therapist before. I hopped around throughout my 20s, and could never quite find the right person. either they lived out of state, or I was moving, etc. I was certainly “on the go” in my 20s. when I “landed” more permanently again in NYC, I had some unfortunate luck with therapists. one was a really perverse man who insisted I was unhappy because I was not yet married and pregnant (um, no.). one who I had hoped would be my guiding light was murdered in her office. one after that was an unhinged shut-in. I finally found a super top-level man therapist after that, but he didn’t accept insurance and I could not afford him. I guarantee he was worth every dollar though, and in just ONE meeting, I think I got all that I needed from him for about a year’s time. yes, some folks are indeed that good. so fast forward, and I met my “person” who I would stick with for a time. upon our first meeting, and within the first few minutes of meeting me, I will never forget what she said to me. knowing seemingly nothing about me. but she must have known. because she said point blank, and with a strong, almost glaring look in her eyes: “someone else’s obsession with you has nothing to do with you”. I thought, ok, thanks, but what exactly are you talking about? I didn’t know what to say to her. and then she said it again. looking back, of course it makes sense. but at the time, it (as I’m sure it was designed to do) caught me off guard.
I will start with talking about something that I talk about in every single session, workshop, or otherwise Healing Elaine® exchange. one of my vulnerabilities.
to preface this. one of the reasons that I did not continue to pursue my psychology degree (which was my major at Northeastern University) at University was that I did not feel it would allow me to be as vulnerable as I wanted to be with people. the reason that I wanted to be vulnerable with people, and continue to be, is because I find it gives them “permission” to do the same and then change. as a true quantitative slash artist hybrid, I walk the line between both human designs. the artist in me wanted and wants to express my core more strongly than the quantitative helper in me, in order to help others. this is why I landed outside of my major and “role” in life: psychologist. psychotherapist. psychiatrist.
as said hybrid, the artist in me breaks down the walls and barriers that would not be suited for a traditional therapeutic environment. and so hence we also have this blog. I will say that yes, despite my vulnerabilities which can make me feel very trapped at times, I do feel extremely free. and it is simply because I am not owned. not on paper, and not in any other way. this is something I would not trade for the world. freedom. it is why I have not accepted investment offers for my business as of yet. it is why I have not done many things. and yet I work hard to be aware when I am working from fear versus the conscious choice to not be a sell-out. the value of freedom is so important to me, because I never had it when I was young. my entire being did not belong to me. I digress.
back to freedom. being free allows me to express my vulnerabilities in a very raw and unveiled fashion, and the one that I wanted to share today (again, you can likely find variations of my sharing of it in other posts) is my fear of success. no, I don’t have a fear of failure. I have a fear of success, that would be quickly followed by a fear of failure tied only to that very success. this, I understand, is a widespread or common problem for people. and we all have different stories and experiences that back it up; stories that are both individual and collective in nature. mine comes on the heels of the simple fact that every success I ever had was followed by a catastrophic and terrifying event. as well as absolute radio silence about my achievements unless it suited/benefited someone else. and so I would like to share my experiences, feelings and process around my particular vulnerability revolving around success that I follow to manage this “dis-ability”.
let’s go back in time. when I was fresh out of college, after one of many rough patches courtesy of completely external factors, I was offered a “dream job”. I had pink business cards and they had my name on it. my role was to run around and collect money from big entities like real estate developers and fashion brands and place them in a magazine. yes, it was ad sales. I was using a foreign language to conduct all meetings, I was living in what felt like paradise with beaches and palm trees, and all of my interests seemed to collide in that one period of time for me on that one pink business card. although I had suffered unthinkable trauma that year between family and a very close friend, and a convicted felon landlord who spied on me constantly, I was ready to take on the world! or so I thought. I must admit, there was something about those Barbie pink business cards that really made my heart race. the color, to me, meant that I was about to finally “make it” in life! the way that I got this so-called dream job goes like this. leading up to the job, everything horrible that could have happened to me in a 6-month period of time did, and at the end of it I was out of a job. instead of applying online, I went out to the hottest nightclubs and events wearing my resume on my shirt. this landed me this job. I drafted a business plan for the magazine along with my intentions, and the job was mine within a few weeks. the only problem was, it felt too good to be true. and, it wasn’t too good to be true. I was just used to never getting what I wanted. and so the very thought that something could work out, in my favor, AND be all of the things that I wanted on paper, was…well, it sent my heart racing. I couldn’t sleep for about a week. now for those of you who don’t resonate with my past or the trauma that came before this example I am sharing, I will say this: imagine the absolute unknown, and that it is terrifying because it negates everything that you have ever known. imagine that an example of this might appear totally normal/benign in your eyes regarding the experience of someone else, but that it is very real indeed: the threat of something good happening and what comes with that. remember the time that Oprah gave the homeless man a whole bunch of money, bought him an apartment, counseled him, helped him get a job, and so on? and how a year later he was back on the streets because it was most comfortable? yes. this is how trauma works. it takes years to push through. this is why we can not have shame over our vulnerabilities. they each look different, and for each one of us. and for me, those pink business cards were a real trauma. I was a young woman, attractive, I finally had an exciting job with decent pay, I got to dress like Shakira circa 2002 for my job yet still be treated as a professional, and my business cards…pink. to me, this job represented all of the things I had ever wanted in life — basically my sovereignity– and I got to use my minor in modern languages on a daily basis. I was a rock star! and I couldn’t sleep. because for the first time in my life, I had something that I wanted…that no one else had wanted for me, or had claimed for me…
during this period of time, like Murphy’s law would constantly present in my life, a biological “care taker” came down to steal the show. there was a major incident followed by a medical emergency which landed both of us in the hospital within days of one another, and my life went back to “normal” again. depressive. chaotic. broken. dramatic. scary. completely without support. the way that it impacted this dream job was sort of like a slow burn. I clearly wasn’t able to be present, and my worst fear had occurred again, just like it had earlier that year — my success was not about me. it would never be about me. it would be about someone else, who would either take it or ruin it for me. each time I got on my feet, I was knocked over with pure force. I should have known better. but I was still a kid. a kid, living as far away from chaos as possible, but chaos would always find me – at any cost.
the reason I talk about the pink business cards is that the color pink really meant something to me. it was my favorite color as a little girl. it seemed to be this most fantastic and “dreams can come true” color, which, for whatever odd reason, meant a lot to me. it reminded me of Barbie or something, and the philosophy that “you can be anything”. since I did not receive those messages in a healthy way, I found this permission through my art, creativity, and playtime as a child and young adult. when this trauma of having and losing my dream job (which was really just a basic, not terrible life, by most people’s standards I imagine) happened, that color seemed to bleed all over the place, and the beautiful pink business card with my name on it is something that serves as a symbol for not only that time in my life, but for important imaginative times in my life. it would be a long time before I could find the metaphor for a pink business card again…it would not be until I started Healing Elaine®, in fact. Healing Elaine®, something that, finally, no one could ever take away from me. HE is my pink business card now.
fast forward. you can imagine the years of processes I went through, before the above story, and after it. our vulnerabilities are always a work in progress. and today, another shred of this vulnerability of mine, the sheer fear of success, was revealed. now this may sound like a life sentence to some, who may think “man that really sucks, you actually have to wake up every day and put all of your effort into one foot in front of the other for something so stupid that takes me no effort to do? I’m sorry, that’s awful”…but you know what, if it’s not one thing, it is another for us. we are all challenged in different ways. it’s called relativity. and believe me, this is just one of many of mine. and I share it to give you permission, if it, or something like it, resonates with you.
today I woke to a phone call from someone lovely who I worked with many years ago. the way that I stay in touch with people from the past who I have worked with is via remote sessions (they can be booked by calling the business line by the way — they are 2.5 hours total), occasional workshops, and when I hire folks I’ve worked with for various things. I love to build from the inside out in this way. anyhow, during the phone call, and it could have been a message for this person as well, I was alerted to the ways in which I still make myself so small. the ways in which I still settle, despite what the world may perceive about me from the outside. I do this still, because, unconsciously, I fear imminent physiological death and destruction. every few months and years I make MAJOR strides. and then I plateau. and then the cycle ensues again. and I do not mind it. and each time I reach new contrast, or a new mountain peak, I am reminded (again) that every one of our vulnerabilities is a process. there is never a destination. now, more on my vulnerability of fear of success…
one of the ways in which I have both consciously and unconsciously chosen to deal with this fear is by challenging myself with a fearful action on a daily or weekly basis. this may be as simple as answering a phone call that scares me (or that I have an assumption or intuition about one way or another), or sitting down to complete a task that seems “tedious”, like a business plan, that could actually take me further and make my dreams come true. I have to sit and think about whether I am using my intuition, or my fear, at all times. and that’s fine. I welcome it. one of the unconscious ways that I have “chosen” to deal with this fear is the fact that I am 100% certain God will not let me not be extremely expansive with my being. this is evident in the undeniable, and daily adrenaline rush of purpose that I feel in my veins. it’s something I can not get out of. if you have this, you will know what I am talking about! if you do not have this, it doesn’t matter — there is always an unconscious way in which you are being challenged or will challenge yourself when you are sick of being “stuck”.
the biggest and most SUBconscious piece of my fear of vulnerability, sits on the heels of being afraid that no one will like me if I am successful. how ironic, right? living in the age of complete media whores who will do anything to be seen, noticed, given attention. but this particular fear goes way, way back. and when we notice a fear like this, particularly around success, we have to take that string and pull it all the way back to the beginning. I sit and write my fears: the real ones, and the ones that PROBABLY won’t happen. and even if they did, so what? for me, I still struggle with this idea that if I am successful, I will die – because I will be killed. perhaps not physically. but through so many halting (and criminal, on so many levels) experiences around what should have been joy and pleasure of personal success, my mind body and spirit were trained to HALT. don’t move. don’t breathe, even. do not breathe! I still hold my breath…a lot. the idea that I will die if I am “too successful”, is very visceral in my body. and I work on it every single day.
in order to “survive” the “threat of being successful from the outside world”, I have made myself small in many ways. when my phone would ring off the hook, particularly when HE was first peaking about 5 years ago, I was careful not to return “too many calls” at once…because that would mean that I would “make too much money”…and “someone would find out”…I’m serious, these were real fears. nearly conscious. but not totally conscious, or I would have confronted them. instead, I was given a series of shitty circumstances to confront them.
my modern day / today fears still center around being “too much”, “too successful”, “making too much money” “having more than just my very breath”…and I see how my unconscious mind will work to accommodate what lies just beneath the surface for me. right under the conscious mind is that bridge between the trauma that we can not remember in entirety (and probably thank God for that – our brain serves to protect us until we no longer need to be protected), and the daily shit that annoys us about ourselves. consciously, no, I am not afraid of success! and clearly, I am consciously NOT afraid of vulnerability. because here we are. but in that territory of the unchartered…the basement without a light…the creatures still crawl up with their pink business cards and meet my conscious mind. and it is in between the two realms of psychological thought that I constantly negotiate.
to me, being successful, consciously, means that I can give others permission to do the same. and I do do exactly that. it’s what I get paid for. I also get paid for the unique processes that I use to get people beyond their hurdles. to me, being successful, also means imminent death. this is on the deepest and most unconscious levels possible. yet of course, I am conscious that it is there. and when my unconscious mind alerts my conscious mind to “danger”, that I might be incredibly successful, my subconscious mind comes up with all kinds of stop signs for me. the stop signs look real. they look like pink business cards, sometimes. and while it is painful to know that someone with so much on the ball (me), with so much potential, could still be stopping themselves to make themselves small so that they are “safe”, I find a real beauty in this tragic reality. the beauty is that I will transcend it. and the beauty is that I have no issue with sharing myself in a way that makes other people who struggle exactly with the same, either in specificity or theme, feel safe enough to recall, acknowledge, and address their vulnerability.
with all of this said, consciously I’m on fire with regard to what I want. but I continue the labyrinth of the hidden mind, reminding me that horrible things will happen if I am a great success. and the funniest part about all of it is, there is nothing I can do to stop the Universe’s destiny for me; my biggest fear and weakness, born from experiences only, has become and continues to become my biggest intention and strength. this is how we transcend evil. because what I dealt with was evil on all levels. having things taken from me that no one had any business taking and claiming as their own. and all the while, the paradox of the entire process itself, is a true beauty. this is the labyrinth of life!
some related updates here pertain to past and prospective work with patients…the person I spoke with today was concerned that I was over-booked and would have no time for them for a remote session. I do have time right now, for past patients only (no one gets a remote session unless they have had a traditional or pop up session, first). most of the remote sessions that folks booked at the tail end of last year have been used. so I am booking them again this week. I am also offering a couple of pop-up house calls for former patients only, which include a house clearing. this is something I have done recently on a fairly 911 basis, and it has been beautiful. as I get more organized with my time, it is allowing me to make space for some of these remotes and pop-ups — just during certain times only, because I am in a flux with other projects that can take a strong direction quickly, and there may be long periods of time during which I get suddenly and subsequently blocked off/out and will not be able to offer a remote or anything else. as for pop-up sessions for those I have never seen, stay tuned for the announcements for such. I am not sure if/when I will make another pop-up offering. you must also read both of the pre requisite books in my About section prior to inquiring. these are my general updates for my offerings beyond my TEM and PE focuses/launches (which I am very excited about!).
I hope this post was helpful on a variety of levels.