when joy re-enters

photo by Anita Saini

I touched on the broad strokes of this concept in my recent instagram post.

many of us have been working toward “joy” which, as a concept in and of itself, one (or the “average” person) would consider a natural and spontaneous experience. and it should be. yet when we are blocked or rather when we commit to ways of thinking (out of survival, but then really out of pure CHOICE), we obstruct that flow called “joy”. also, to be clear, I do not believe that “joy” means the same thing to everyone. I have met and experienced either very ill or simply dark-energied people who, upon first glance, one might consider joyless and feel badly for them…but upon second and third glance I’ve realized that “joy” for some folks is literally pain – they actually can’t get enough of it. the notion that we are all energetically equal is our greatest misstep. the idea that everyone thinks like us precedes this often grave misstep.

back to the point of this post. I can look at my life or the life of anyone I’ve worked with and see the various categories of turbulence — emotional, psychological and spiritual (often HENCE, physical) — that are being worked through and I picture the following: a few main arteries of core/spore contrast (aka trauma — and yes, we all have it), with hundreds of veins extending around each main artery. the veins represent what I call “follow up” experiences, that appear to reinforce the main artery or initial core trauma experience/s. because we are made like tracking devices, and one solid trauma in the shape of this artery is planted upon impact, I would say that every single experience post-artery formation is simply a butterfly effect of that initial experience. this means that each time we experience the same, we have the choice to either affirm or deny the cellular history that flows through our bloodstream at a rapid pace BACK to this main artery to “inform” us as to what this new experience means. it is in this part of the communication, from veins to artery, that we have a choice to either “risk” rewiring the information, or to ENFORCE the placement of that artery that flushes the blood that matches all of our followup experiences. so when we feel like we “can’t change” or like things “keep happening TO us”, we are actually battling DNA coding. this is why it can feel like we are getting nowhere after 5, 10, 20 and more years of working on a core issue (artery).

what I saw this past weekend with others and as I do in my own personal life experience, was the actual tipping point in which all of the veins (the subsequent experiences that match an original trauma, or artery as I refer to here) began to re-inform that main artery, giving it a chance to unblock it’s actual point of origin and messaging — so that it can allow for joy, which in my mind is simply the unobstruction of trauma. by the way, when I use the word trauma, I am using it in a VERY vast context. the thing is, so many of us are walking around traumatized aka UNCONSCIOUS and do not even know it. and so we do not dare refer to “it”, our lack of joy, as trauma. we blame everything else, or everyone else, instead. except when we have been consciously working and working and working on ourselves for an extended period of time…

and this is the place that I find most people. there is a solid reason that I list pre requisite reading. most folks I see have been addressing themselves and inner worlds for a long time. perhaps they have sought the best that the psych world has to offer — and when the right person is discovered, there can be little to nothing quite as effective and healing as psychotherapy (which we ALL need — don’t argue me! if you think you don’t need it, you probably REALLY need it. but, the right kind…which can take some effort to come upon). perhaps they have done every new-agey “trick” or perceived “short-cut” (p.s. there are NONE) out there like drugs or plants. either way, the cataclysmic shifts that take place within us usually come upon the heels of long-term effort. I see therapists, I receive recommendations from therapists, and there is a reason: all of that attempted reprogramming of the veins I mention in this post is waiting to line up with a most-needed conversation and time-travel — back to that artery…in a way that “clicks”…in a way that finally gives us the courage to risk letting go of and shifting the very first piece of information we ever received (trauma).

of course this is another metaphor I am painting to describe ego death. but there are so many ways to address the notion of an ego death. it is not one-dimensional, and there are many ways to experience approaching such an experience. it’s infinite actually. and it fascinates me. we die a million deaths before we actually physically die. it never stops. unless we decide to stop growing…and in that space we consciously choose to obstruct our joy.

growing requires embracing fear. deep fear. this fear feels like a complete threat to the body. as we approach this fear, that initial artery strengthens itself and pumps more blood than ever to keep us “alive” and safe from that first experience — it screams its bloody algorithm of fear and “information” as it trickles itself into the veins that seem to resemble it so clearly. people, places and things — everything that has happened over the past X many years — look EXACTLY like that main artery of issue…only, they are not. they may be similar in some ways or many ways, but they are just metaphors to collect enough data and information to finally rewire the artery to unobstruct joy.

the biggest social issue that we face right now is the repeated algorithm of our traumas. I do believe that most every one of us (minus those who relish in illness and negativity and really do enjoy it — yes, this is a thing, call it sociopathy or narcissism or whatever you deem fit) intends to move beyond our main arteries of trauma. this is why it is easy for me to have compassion for so many different people, with so many different backgrounds, beliefs and experiences. at our core, we all actually want the same things. it’s our individual main arteries that keep us in our little boxes. all you have to do is go on twitter to see all of the grown-ass adults in their sandboxes spewing plenty of vein-to-main-artery rhetoric that divides us not from others, but from ourselves first. because it’s easier that way. short-term…

my greatest personal challenge has been exactly what I am writing about here: reinforming the main artery through a series of bloody vein communications that seem to only serve that core trauma and make continued agreements with it. and the further we go, the more we die, the more conscious we become, the harder the tests…we may, in fact, “attract” the same trauma, over and over and over again. this is not to say that it does not exist. what I am saying is that beyond that INITIAL trauma or artery, we are ACTUALLY given free will to ALTER the wiring of the original artery and its algorithm. this can take years. lifetimes. hence the difficulty we all seem to face in terms of allowing joy to flow, or even enter our sphere…

in addition to stating in logical terms the above difficulty, I will illustrate a bit of it in terms of the tipping point that I point to in this post. as we get “closer” to reprogramming ourselves beyond trauma, we will be served with nearly “identical” subsequent traumas to test us (see also my post on the butterfly effect of abuse). the Universe will send us a person who looks, feels, smells or in some other capacity reminds us EXACTLY of that initial trauma. we may SWEAR it is the same thing. and, frankly, IT MAY BE…but here is my point…at this level in the game, we are able to make (risk) a new decision about what that person or experience represents to us. this simply requires “allowing” the perceived worst case scenario to happen to us. for example. if I have a history of experiencing an abusive boss or superior in the workplace, and I have been to therapy or doing some sort of self-help work around the issue at hand and possibly WHY I continue to experience this, right on the heels of great change I may attract seemingly the worst offender I could imagine in the form of a boss. it will then be in that moment that I get to choose and talk through the issue: “ok, this person has the hallmarks of xyz. my body is having a reaction to them. they look like person X. their behavior is like that of person X. but…here are some slight differences…is there any negotiation in my mind that will allow me to DIS-empower this person as my initial offender? is there any room for movement at all?…ok well I can see that I’ve moved the dial very far in my own personal work on person X already…maybe I can use that ‘work’ I have done to build my confidence to take a risk around this subsequent vein of a person who appears exactly like that main artery…ok I choose to empower the beast of that spore hence this vein less than yesterday…”. when we reach the tipping point of a transitional belief that has been ingrained in our body and mind and spirit, we will notice just the slightest room for negotiation in our mind about who the shadow of person X and person X themselves each are. in my experience, NOTHING and NO ONE will ever have as much power as that initial artery, or person X, or our original trauma. even if the butterfly effect and those actual vein experiences are fundamentally worse on a logistical or logical level…let that sink in.

the honor I have of working with extremely complex and layered experiences of others is like none other — when we can take years, emotional and spiritual data, psychological algorithms, and the recognition of TRUTH in all forms and combine this in a way that compliments someone’s tipping point of change…well, I don’t even have enough words to describe what it feels like to witness someone’s shift. in that moment, and it may be soon, or it may be later, what they have done and what we have done is reprogram that main artery. even if it is one artery of many that need to be reprogrammed in order to experience or unobstruct joy, it is an entire artery of truth and LIFE FORCE. we look different after we can allow this joy in, as in its purest form, it is life force. when we are in flow, there is no drug, no nutrition, no workout, no relationship, no tactile thing that can come close to radiating the power of such a revelation. joy is the absence of an obstructed artery.

we are not the way the world or others perceive us. but it takes time to even understand what experiences we are WEARING that color the lens through which others see us, hence the way we ACTUALLY SEE OURSELVES without realizing it. of all these arteries and veins of experiences or obstructions, there may be timelines for each that are specific and individual in nature. one obstruction may last 20 years, whilst another may last a lifetime. others may be shorter in duration and significance. this is often why, when unobstructed, we feel a joy that surpasses what we are able to imagine. this is what we did last weekend.

Share:

where we are at right now (energetically), individually and collectively

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

the old door has closed. the new door hasn’t opened. this has a lot of us feeling very WTF!!! (probably an understatement).

being caught, metaphorically (but it can feel literal), between two doors is some super uncomfortable shit. we try to go back to our old ways, our old beliefs, our old fears, our old life…and life just isn’t having it for us.

not everyone will make it through. it all depends upon how much we are willing to surrender to things that we are not certain about, in order to change ourselves to accommodate the new earth energy that has come through to support us and our consciousness. by the way, consciousness extends to EVERYTHING in our life – our relationships, our physical reality, and the thoughts and feelings that produce those things.

so, what is it that we are not certain about? we are not certain that our “new” (what lies behind the new door) thoughts and feelings will support us. because how would we know that they will, beyond blind faith?

it’s funny how we trust the unseen in many ways — like via technology. we turn on a light or a phone and communicate that way. but when it comes to our own computer, our own body and mind, we question the nature of our spirit as it relates to the “future” because we don’t have a tangible item to hold to control. and this is all about control…

when we truly release control, we feel as though we are dying. because in a sense, we are. but back to that feeling — like we are dying. it’s a real feeling when we are no longer allowed to access our old ways of being. and so we sit in limbo. we will sit in between the two doors — because both can NOT be opened at the same time — and we suffer. we rage. we complain. we repeat the same patterns. and they don’t work. we use force, “magic potions” and all kinds of bullshit to try and cheat the universe…and yet they either do not work at all or they severely backfire. and then we sit. again. alone in the room. either with all of the money in the world, or none of the money in the world, sweating and stressing over bills and basic logistics, and it is ALL the same. we are still stuck between two doors, and nothing material can change the state.

everyone’s time between these two very LOUD and present doors is different. collectively, it’s probably a 6-month to 1-year hold as far as I see it. individually, it can shadow or teeter on one side or the other of that time period. but it is not a mistake that “everyone” feels like shit is hitting the fan at the same time. we are all being asked to be different. there is no hierarchy in spiritual growth. no one escapes it. all things are relative. no gurus can escape it. no non-believers can escape it. what we do with it is irrelevant to the fact that it will sit there until we allow….”it” is the boiling hot or freezing cold temperature between the two doors, and “allow” is what we decide to stop grabbing for in order to feel cooler or warmer.

if you haven’t figured it out by now, we are all connected. everything that we do to another we only really do to our own self. some of us will never figure that piece out, and that’s fine. it’s called contrast and we need it in order to expand. there is nothing in my life that I have built that did not come from extreme pain aka contrast. that said, yes we are all connected, and no we are not all energetically or consciously equal. this part is the part that separates us from certain group-think, friendships or relationships that we have had our entire lives, jobs, and so on. we are a mosaic and all shifting in equal but RELATIVE terms. there is no one who has it easier than the next. and the next time you go to “wish” you were xyz person, think again — because you just might get the challenges that accompany them on their “lucky” journey and then you might actually have a HUGE problem because it’s not what you bargained for. we don’t see what is actually there, rather we only see what we are “not”, relative to our own potential.

it’s been a really painful time for so many people lately. and it’s because we are collectively stuck in between two doors. some of us are still trying to open the old one, and some of us have our hand on the new one, accepting that the old one will never again open. this year, I went through a real death of self when I tossed my work space out the window. it was a space that I built more than half a decade ago, and many healings took place there. experiences that I will never forget. I had identified, like we all do, with what I was doing — constant healings. around the clock. even if I worked with just one person a week or one person a month, they were with me for many months. I was in contact with them for countless hours, both in person and virtually. I was accustomed to what I WAS…which was a routine, an identity, a duty, a life. I do tend to live in the moment, and so “easing” into my next steps (= dreams and purpose) wasn’t really on my radar. well, that’s not the way that the universe likes to do things for me anyhow. the universe likes to put me in really impossible situations (why I love working with mystery illness issues and fertility issues! I love the thrill of possibly solving them!) to see how I will climb out of them. and the thing that I do know about myself, is that I always use integrity. and it is integrity alone that “gets me out” of my old or outgrown worlds. for more on that part (thoughts on integrity), read my earlier posts. when I realized that I was being cut off from scaling my work and my business because it was not sustainable to my energy, it was the end of 2017. and it just kept changing toward what I have always wanted, but wasn’t sure how to “get” to. what I wanted is written throughout this entire blog. but in order to “get” there, the universe had to murder my identity. this meant taking fewer sessions. seeing fewer people. dragging me away, in a certain format, from what I “love”. so that I could open a new door(s).

losing this perceived identity was hard. you might be thinking “what are you talking about, you are still a healer…”…well I am talking about the daily minutia. because THIS is where the real change occurs. I’m not talking about the kind of identity change or life change that happens overnight. it’s the daily everything that is coated with everything behind the old door. we can not possibly outsmart the process between the two doors, or “plan” for it. this is why most people sit at a 9-5 and fantasize about what it might be like to have fame or money or work for themselves…it (the ability to change, to have something different) is all in the minutia. and the minutia is addictive.

I’m not sure exactly when this next “door” is done opening for everyone (and the door is certainly relative to someone’s life path and how they have used their free will — feel free to read my eBooklet on the physics of karma), but we are in a collective motion. which means we are each grappling with what it all means, regardless of where we are headed. I feel that the next year is going to produce seemingly “overnight” positive changes and success for those who have been working toward goals for many years. as always, nothing sustainable is built overnight (so don’t get me started on social media – those who don’t understand sustainability are in for a shock over this next period of time). and so all that has been worked for behind the scenes, mostly in the inner world of an individual, for what possibly feels like an eternity for many people, is the next door. I know what my door feels like. I’ve had my hand on it for about a year now. and I know that what lies behind it is magic. this comes in the face of some of the most exaggerated contrast you might imagine would oppose magic. but hey, there’s my relativity. do you want it? probably not.

if you are trapped between your two doors, and you have taken your hand off of the old one, just sit there. in the hot, or in the cold, or whatever miserable temperatures have been handed to you as conditions for what you are internally acquiring for your next steps which are behind the new door. just sit there. when the internal and external aspects of your life have been ripened with different temperatures, you will, simply by the very nature of being a live being, put your hand on the new door. if you don’t have all of the answers or maybe you don’t even resonate with this post at all, know that you have two fundamental choices: enter an old world (impossible), or brave the storm that precedes the new world (door).


Share:

if you have recently and repeatedly been hurt, disappointed or betrayed, I have good news for you

photo by Jennifer Santaniello; logo by Shamona Stokes

if you have recently and repeatedly been hurt, disappointed or betrayed, I have good news for you.

in a nutshell: you are going places, and you are being reminded LOUDLY of exactly who, what and where is NOT supposed to come with you.

if you are anything like me, you love to share. you love to uplift. you love to give props to others for no reason or personal gain. you just have a lot to give. and although this is a wonderful quality, as I mention in my last post, there is something MAJOR that must be incorporated into this quality and way of living and that is called: discernment. without this, we simply can not and will not succeed.

over and over and over again, I have had my mind blown by people and situations that I had the best of hopes for. who I only had hope for. who I saw only the good in. and over and over and over again, after I have gotten over the initial disappointment in learning that no, not everyone has something to GIVE (therefore they take — but really, actually end up with nothing in the end), I have seen WHY the hurt, disappointment or betrayal occurred…and this has ALWAYS – without a doubt – been PROTECTION

click here to purchase article

Share:

here is how the butterfly effect of abuse finally cycles out, with one last death grip

photo by Pia Oyarzun

all energy is connected. think of a spider web. it is all one piece, but it appears to take many different shapes and designs. it is like an entire Universe, woven in infinite directions at different times. but it is all…one.

before I get deep into the meat and potatoes of this post, let me preface it like this. many times upon a time, I’ve treated patients who come from extreme abuse. it has always started in the family, and then extended out (like a web) to other directions in their lives. often, if the abuse is either repressed (via amnesia, the brain’s defense mechanism – and no, you can’t be “smart enough” to beat amnesia as it serves to save our lives) or only occurred one or two serious times, the person will still be in contact with their abusers with various intellectual justifications. then, they will go about their life, their work, their whatever, and wonder why the same patterns keep coming up. this is part one of recognizing the butterfly effect of abuse — recognizing that something is wrong, that life keeps repeating a specific cycle around an abusive theme. it will show up primarily in intimate relationships, but then in work, social, and other areas — particularly health. I am not suggesting that all who have health issues are abused or have been abused. I am stating that when we are, and it goes unaddressed, it shows up in our health. when I have treated these cases, the first thing that I will see and feel before I even meet them or know anything about them whether I want to know or not, is the root. it invades my mind, my body, and my entire being. everything surrounding that person and their experience will enter my body. this is not something I try to do, train for, and it’s certainly nothing I have consciously asked for. upon meeting the individual, at some point they will share with me their “current” outer world issue. and it is ALWAYS, without fail, connected to the spore that showed up for me prior to meeting them. this is when we start to fill in the blanks…

click here to purchase article

Share:

Healing Elaine® fall 2018 fertility super luxury (destination) workshop in Greece

from my recent instagram post about my upcoming fertility super luxury workshop…

last year in 2017, more than half a dozen babies were born to moms who were either told “you will likely not conceive or be able to carry to term” or “IVF is your most powerful option”. many of them had already done their IVF rounds. each now-mom saw me for a session. each of them, focused on fertility. each of them, with different “infertility” particulars. each of them, with interesting stories. I am not claiming to get people pregnant. however…I am saying that there is an unprecedented and common denominator between those women and our work together. the rest is trade secrets in terms of how I work with others for ANY issue (illness, anxiety, medical mystery, life purpose, etc)

I know what is possible and why, in terms of fertility. I’ve worked with doctors who themselves had trouble conceiving, but then did. due to my specialized interest and excitement around fertility and watching women become moms, I will be hosting a super luxury workshop specifically geared toward fertility this fall (September) in Greece. I will likely bring one or two of my former patients, who faced “infertility” but now have beautiful children, with me for group / individual moral support as well as testimony

I am careful not to make any claims, but the proof will reveal itself as the years go by due to the results. I will also say, as I’ve said in my blog posts on fertility, that no, not everyone is supposed to get pregnant. I can usually tell who and why. there is an ocean of “reasoning” around fertility or the lack thereof

join me this September in #Greece at my super #luxury workshop focused on #fertility. please key word search “fertility” in my blog to read about past fertility workshops!

———–

after reading through my website and About section, as well as all of my posts on fertility, please leave a voicemail on the business line 646 470 1178 with interest. please begin reading both pre req books listed in the About section. this is a super luxury destination workshop, which means it will take place at a 5-star luxury hotel with the finest food and amenities. we will spend one full week together, 8 hours per day, and I will offer private individual attunements during the week. the group will be very small. like every single session I have ever done, this particular offering will be a leap-and-the-net-will-appear opportunity. please use your gut intuition above all else — your gut should be screaming at you that this is the right thing to do, and now…otherwise it is best to wait.

happy almost full moon!

Share:

it is worth your effort: taking just one small step a day will absolutely change your life

when I was 7 years old, I was standing in the back of a church in New York and a mirror came crashing down right in front of me. no one else was in the room. it just…fell over. it was a full length mirror, and it was propped up against the big wall that separated the chapel and pews from the back room used to organize weddings etc. I recall thinking, very specifically, “shit. I have exactly another 7 years of bad luck. I thought I was almost done with this since I’m 7 now”. yes, I was 7, and I thought this.

the early part of my life is one for a book or two, so I won’t digress here with those details. to put it simply, I wanted out. so here I am, in this church, somehow I had heard that broken mirrors are 7 years of bad luck, and I actually believed that something like that caused my entire life up until that point. there was no otherwise level of intellectual or psychological understanding available to me for why everything was so miserable all of the time. as I looked at this shattered mirror, I just “knew” it would be another 7 years of hell. and I was right.

I was not old enough to make “agreements” in a conscious or affirmative sense, or go for self-help or figure out how to “change my thoughts” — I was 7. so I just accepted that the reality that had always been for me, behind closed doors but sometimes not, would continue. I recall going to sleep each night, waiting to turn 14. perhaps then, the bad luck would end, and I would live a different life.

“just 4 more summers”, one of my “caretakers” would say to me, specifically and intentionally about the hardship in my life that I could not physically or mentally escape — meaning, when I turned 18, I could escape the hell that I lived in. they knew it. I knew it. and yet no one helped me. it was a lock and key secret known only to those who partook in it, wittingly, or unwittingly. and after 14, my life didn’t change. I was trapped. until I was an adult.

when I turned 18, I wanted to run like the wind. I remember my first day “out”. as I sat in my college dorm room, a tremendous peace washed over me. I feel asleep sitting up. I recall being stunned that I was relaxed enough to fall asleep sitting up as it had never happened before. the kind of freedom I felt was unmistakable. I had made it through my early life with thankfully no mental illness, no personality disorder, and just enough of “something” to even have a chance at being a healthy adult. when I finally found my current therapist a few years ago, she specifically asked me: “how did you make it through?” – and I said “faith”. it was always my faith in what I could not see, that I believe kept me alive inside (and outside). I had always felt another presence, whether you want to call it God or source energy or the Universe or…whatever. it was always in my darkest moments that I felt this ENERGY, that I knew something was waiting for me on the other side of darkness…I now realize my faith was and is my PURPOSE.

after 18, everything felt possible. it was like having the lights turned on or seeing in color for the first time ever. I felt like Dorothy in Oz. I was also probably a young child at 18, because I had repressed so many things in order to survive psychologically and emotionally. I like to call myself a “late bloomer”, because I always was. with everything. and at my age now, when most of my peers have several children, I am just starting to think about that. I feel like I’m on a decade or two delay and it all makes sense to me. there are both downsides and upsides to this, but I don’t really think about the downsides. I am ecstatic about my life right now.

as I entered my mid-20s, shit really hit the fan for me. I left the phase of being elated to being free from what I can only describe as a living hell, but I entered the phase in which one must sort through the files and organize them — better known as ptsd. I did not realize that since I was a very small child, and even THROUGH my point of elation at 18 and beyond, that I woke up in a panic every single night and morning. my anxiety and sensitivity was so strong, it was a part of my survival and a part of ME. it had to be. when I discovered that my being and core did not match my experiences, I was thrown for a loop. I knew what I was, but what I WASN’T was so deeply lodged and rooted within me that the dissonance felt crippling. I could see my potential, but my only knowing was the opposite to that. I recognized the depths of the work that I would have to do in order to ever feel normal, peaceful, and happy as I began to “wake up” in my 20s. I could no longer hide behind the red cape that the Universe had often provided for me to protect my psyche as much as possible, as a child. SHIT!

I began by reading as many self-help books as possible. I had initially started with a degree in Psychology at Northeastern University. heck, I had even written my entrance essay on narcissism. when I started the classes though, I felt like they were missing something. the boxes felt restrictive, I didn’t resonate with the teachers, and I also did not connect to the students in these “classes”. I dropped that, and kept being pulled to the creative. which makes sense, because years later when I treated psychologists on my own in my current practice, I saw how many of their creative and quantitative potentials needed balancing. intelligence is not found in books, even the ones on ivy league desks — it is found within our very being. anyhow, it became my mission in life to 1) have fun and 2) fix myself. and I began doing so, both wittingly and unwittingly, at the same exact time.

when I hit 25, I was probably at my lowest. and this continued for a while. no, I did not have any addictions. I never had issues with food. I never slept around. I never used drugs. something in me KNEW: you will only recover if you are of sober heart and mind — you will get through this without any shortcuts. this knowing led me directly to successfully helping many people in my current practice. of course yes, during my hardest times, I loved a good party and drank frequently. at one point I even wondered if I had a problem. I went to a few AA meetings and found that my best meeting was Alanon – the counterpart of AA. booze became irrelevant and as I focused on my goals I even forgot about it. either way, I was at the peak of my beginning emotional mountain of healing, and it just felt like it would take forever. I was still having night terrors, I would jump and drop things at the slightest sound, and the ptsd was off the charts. I experienced tremendous transference in a couple of my romantic relationships, and that was my greatest turning point…

I reached a point at which I never wanted to be the person who I was trained to feel I was. right before we reach this point, we can really go either way — and I totally see people when they do this! — we can stay where we are and lie to ourselves about our life, or we can start anew. starting anew is terrifying. it feels like it will never happen. we get maybe a few years into our “new” life, and we might wonder “what the heck have I done? I am never going to feel better — I would be better off just going back to my old life”…but we can’t. once we begin to wake up, and we make the conscious decision to TRY, we can not go back. I think perhaps this is why some people kill themselves. because it is easier. notice I did not say better, I said easier. and it’s true.

each year that passed as I began to wake up, I was confronted again with a dual reality: my programming, and who I could become. both realities were running in tandem and it was painful. all of my training was being ejected, and I was confronted with the “past” through the present like wildfire. I kept thinking I was doing something wrong. I kept feeling like the past and all of its dysfunction and abuse and chaos would never leave me, because I still didn’t FEEL different. I was doing all of this internal work, yet I still felt…the SAME.

as a year passed here and there, I did notice progress. but it wasn’t enough. then I had to learn something that I relied on as a child: faith. I had to re-learn faith. it was at that point that I learned to be PRESENT. this was a huge gift. because no matter how I was feeling, and how much I felt things would never change, I could at least carve out 5 minutes a day to be present. whoa! typically in those times of learning to be present in a new way, “good” things would follow. more bad people would leave my life (and you can be sure that yes, more bad ones came in! the Universe was not done teaching me), and I would move forward in life in some way — always on the inside, and then the outside would just match it. maybe it was a goal, maybe it was a better relationship or something.

but then I would again hit those moments when I would think: “I’ve been too damaged – nothing will ever change for me”. and this is what I want to address in this post, because those moments were hard. they felt real. I still have them sometimes, but I have changed far too many things in my inner hence outer world to long-term feel them or believe them. and here is what I want to say. the centimeter of thought that you shift or move around even just one particular belief in your life WILL change your life. and it will be like watching your hair grow. but it will start to change it. it will happen in your sleep. it will happen while you are laughing. it will happen while you are crying. it will happen when you are in yoga class or when you think you have hit a new “bottom”. but it will happen. your intention to change what is not yours, to escape the perils of your mind which are conditions that you were FORCED to live in just to survive, is everything. sometimes months pass like this and then we wake up and see a brand new chapter or world for ourselves. and sometimes years pass and we see this. usually it runs on aspects of change, such as “oh my God, I have a really healthy romantic partnership and it’s not an unconscious fantasy because I’ve done the work” — or, “I did it, I got that promotion because I believed in my value and I never thought this would happen” — or, “oh my gosh, I stopped shaking at work every time that person who reminds me of my abusive caretaker comes around!! progress!!”. and sometimes, this change runs in full circle change…

a few years ago, it occurred to me that I didn’t have to change just ASPECTS of my life — I could change my ENTIRE life. I could change all of my agreements. but how? at first, I thought about the years of work that I put in around old feelings (born from agreements I needed to survive upon) and changing them, in order to change PARTS of my life. it was an overwhelming amount of work, and sometimes years went by when it looked like nothing was happening, but then it DID. I knew how possible change is, especially by working with others who have been through unthinkable psychological torture. I knew how it all worked, beyond traditional psych and some of the cuckoo therapists who call themselves helpers (and from different vantage points, I’ve met many). and I decided that I would change my ENTIRE life. and I made a decision. I chose me, and then I waited…

each day that I woke up, or in the middle of the night, I noticed who I “was” because I had to be in order to survive, and the person I truly was/am all along. I began to notice again, that I had night tremors and around the clock panic that was buried SO deep, that it felt like part of me. when I began to see even more deeply what was already there, it was like turning on another set of lights for the first time. I made certain decisions to disconnect from abusive relationships and it changed my entire world. for the better, obviously. I leaped, and the net appeared each time I leaped. but I had to leap first. and this was hard, because there is no insurance on that net appearing. and I focused, every single day, just as I had in my past in “aspected” healing of myself, on refining that one thing that I wanted to heal from. many days felt like treading water, but I kept one thing alive: faith. what was my alternative? we all know — going…back. I will never go back to living that way.

I am here to say that since I began to “wake up” in my 20s, and really, age 18 feels like the first day I was born, I have had to learn to do everything differently and it is worth every effort. some of the most basic things that seem simple for everyone else are not for others of us. they are not supposed to be. we all have different handicaps depending upon where we have been. and I want to say that it is worth your effort, wherever you are. there is always a healthier, more aligned and more loving place to be. and as you struggle for days or months or years on end, I promise that if you do not stop — if you keep working toward who and what you intrinsically are — you will shake off what you are not. underneath what you are not, is your wildest dreams.

we are not rewarded for our fleeting efforts, rather we are rewarded for our intentions. intentions are life-long and can not be fleeting. if it is fleeting, then it is not an intention! it is a fake intention. it is a sham, and we are trying to con the Universe into giving us something. it doesn’t work that way. the Universe rewards hard work. it knows our true intention. and if there is one thing I have learned, it is that I will stick with my intentions until I die. as I do so, I wake up to a newer and better reality each day — even as things are falling apart. and that is the interesting part — things are falling apart constantly, as the direct result of my efforts. if I did not know better, I would be in an old mindset of simply agreeing to the fact that I was being overpowered by an abusive force because I deserved it. now I know that the explosions around me are there to protect me, to direct me, and to reward me for my efforts. rewards do not always look like rewards.

if you are challenged with something — an eating disorder, a drug problem, “depression”, etc — just like I was challenged with an incredible amount of psychological, physical and mental ptsd that manifested as non-stop anxiety and partial rescuer-syndrome, know this: you are not your feelings. if you chip away at your life, keep getting up every day, not expecting anything from the Universe but knowing it will come by the law of physics, you will see what I mean. keep in mind that the Universe has no sense of time and space, so often it will organize events around timing that feels unfair or bizarre to you. trust in it. it is not all about you or each of us as an individual, because we live on a planet with many other people. if I had come out of the “spiritual” closet in my early 20s as I briefly intended to do, it would have been the wrong time. for me, but for everyone else too. timing is a funny thing.

keep moving. surrender to the process. get up each day and just do your best. I promise that you are going to wake up another day, as I have, and feel that your life is a beautiful dream that you only once fantasized about (even while shit is hitting the fan, because I can promise you that part will never stop! the way you feel about it, will though). each day that I chip away at my overall process as I referred to above, old realities fall away and I move into the realm of what is truly possible — the things I dreamt about as a child. related mostly to the work I do now. but there is so much more than where it tangibly stands at this moment in time…and that “so much more” is starting to flood in, in the most remarkable and exciting ways. and this is in a direct and opposing 180 degree turn from my former reality. the only constant that I maintained in order to get here today is faith. faith is the glue from one reality to the next.

Share:

my first experience/the first time I consciously felt kundalini energy

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

once upon a time, I was immediately post-college and post massive awakening — huge ego death, my life had crumbled around me in every way possible, and I truly entered my first CONSCIOUS dark night of the soul (you can read about it here in my eBooklet 1). I had moved back to the Northeast where I was raised, and I was trying to stabilize my life — i.e. get a good/boring job, find a place to live and pay my rent, and daydream about my next steps.

before I had moved back to the Northeast, and during my period of substantial change and chaos, I often ventured out on the town (alone). I loved being alone! (still do). I never knew what the night might hold in terms of who I would meet, or what energy I would feel in xyz space. I would turn on music, pre-party alone, and head out in one of my wild outfits (during this time I also wore a lot of fake hair — a LOT of it) that made me feel like a character in a marvel movie. one night I went to this particular spot that was the spot of the moment. it was always filled with well-known actors, musicians and athletes, and I loved peering in on their world. I didn’t want to be part of it (because I knew what it entailed and either it wasn’t for me, or it wasn’t my “time”), but I did like being around it. I liked being invited places with those people because I found them super interesting and my energy felt safe with other “weirdos” who had somehow “made it”. at this one spot as I refer to above, a man approached me. usually I kept to myself, danced alone in a corner, and just enjoyed observing. on this particular night, I spoke with this very well-mannered, well-dressed man. actually, he was too well-dressed. I almost felt like a peasant around him, lol. he also smelled VERY good. to this day I do not know what flavor of cologne he sported. everything about him was special, worldly, and…intense. he was a laid back guy, had traveled the world, owned hotels in various spots, C-suited/worked in like 3 different industries which were totally unrelated, and rubbed elbows with really incredible people. I kept wanting to understand how he got to where he was, as he was the truest unicorn I had ever met. he was older than me, maybe 15-20 years. I was about 23 or so at the time. while I found him attractive and all of the above, I was not attracted to him. I also found him to be old, lol. in my early 20s I thought that 30+ was dinosaur territory, and I also thought that there was something possibly wrong with anyone who was single over 30. again, lol. anyhow, my new friend made it clear that he had traveled the world and never met an energy like mine before. he was interested. and so at the time, and perhaps for years after that, I just thought that compliment about my energy and being was a come-on. but his words/compliment would resonate super loudly later on…

after a series of explosive bombs and warfare ignited in my internal and external worlds, a couple of years had passed and we were still in touch. he had a to-die-for apartment spanning the penthouse of a wall street building, and he invited me for a night out on the town. I had always felt safe with him despite his interest in me, because he never once made me feel uncomfortable. he took care of me like an older brother would. I did not realize, at the time, how potentially rare it was for a grown man to spend time with a female he was interested in, and ask nothing of her other than platonic friendship. at any rate, we went out for my first night on the NYC town in years. we went to all of the “see and be seen” spots, and back then before social media destroyed the social night life, this was a really great scene. it attracted energy based on actual attraction, not promotion. there was a vibe, in certain places, that can’t be artificially created. as we ordered our first drinks — vodka cranberry — we took a sip and went to the dance floor. within moments he began talking to someone and I began to feel something I’d never felt before. my entire body began to flood with light. I don’t know how else to describe it. I had never taken a party drug before, and certainly never encountered anything that had made me feel that good, and the only thing I could compare this feeling to was being on a ton of pain killers post surgery. but it was beyond even that. as I stood with my drink, feeling this pure ecstasy, I immediately got nervous that I had been slipped a drug. which was nearly impossible. my friend was a health nut, didn’t believe in drugs, and woke up every day at 5am to do yoga at sunrise. I put my drink down and kept feeling my body. I felt so good that I was afraid. it contradicted almost everything I had ever felt in my life, up until that point. I looked around the room again for anyone who might have been the culprit of this intense high I was feeling out of nowhere. I could not pinpoint it, and I almost wanted it to stop because I had no control over knowing the source or the reason for this feeling. at some point the feeling passed, I mentioned it to my friend, and we went back to his incredible penthouse. he let me know that he doesn’t invite people over, not even close friends, because he didn’t want their “energy” in his space. again, I thought he was just trying to compliment me. I went to sleep in his guest room, and I recall feeling just very good and safe. I woke up at 530am to use the bathroom and I saw him doing yoga through his bedroom door. then I went home and forgot all about the experience I had that night.

a couple of years later, I was still forging my path of difficulty and working many different jobs. my interests were so varied and I was concerned that I would never amount to anything on paper because I was pulled in so many different directions. after working in finance and corporate trade and barter, and then advertising, I jumped ship to be my own boss. one of my next “jobs” was photo-doubling on a TV show. I had some direction, but it was all foreign territory and most people around me didn’t understand what I was doing or why. one day on set, my body began to buzz again. loud. I immediately flashed back to the experience that I had with my older man friend that night, in the nightclub. I thought well, ok, definitely no one has slipped me any kind of mind or body altering substance, and I remember this feeling. as I sat on breaks on set that day, I began googling like a maniac. I came across kundalini rising. BAM. things started to make sense…I consciously understood what was brewing inside of me.

I looked back at the time that I met this special man. I recalled his overwhelming resonance with my energy field. I recalled being at my rock bottom in all ways in life, feeling like a complete mess, but recognizing that people still wanted to be around me….??? I thought about how during that phase of destruction, there was a new energy birthing inside of me. I couldn’t recognize it at the time, but others sure did…I realized that this first period of tremendous difficulty in my life was maybe somehow connected to this…kundalini thing I was reading about!? but what was it? I connected the first set of dots and realized that my chakras were experiencing a cleansing during the time that I met my friend. they continued, during my years of difficulty, to clear. and when we reconnected a couple of years later, I was able to “meet” the energy that he had recognized in me, but that I could not yet see in myself. I HAD to call him from the TV set that day…

my eyes began to well up as I understood the fact that he “saw” me. I realized that it was more than a physical or intellectual attraction to/from him. and I realized that the power of his being intimidated me, though I loved being around it. as I reached out to him that day on set, I told him “my entire body is buzzing — I think I am experiencing a kundalini awakening/rising, do you know what that is?” we had never spoken about kundalini or many such words that the average person doesn’t throw around in their vocabulary. he said to me “this is the energy that we have been sharing since the day that we met”. even writing this makes my eyes well up with tears. this was the first “real” connection that I had with another human being, and I was so young. I had nothing to compare it to. he was there to prompt some of my own energy that no one else could prompt. this is real, by the way. we all have meridian lines that only certain people can help us ignite. we are equal in rights not in energy. know this!!!

looking back at this period of my life, I feel great affection for it. I had not realized at the time, how special this man was in my life. he also seemed “too good”, if that makes sense. I never thought I could measure up to his class, his achievements, his worldly knowing, etc. I would not say that I felt inadequate, but perhaps just rather in awe. and as I recall our encounters I shudder in the resonance that he “saw” me the whole time. even when I did not see myself. and if he had explained what that truly was at the time, I would not have understood it anyhow. he knew and understood things that I did not, during that time. and he let me be. because he didn’t see me, he saw…ME. my first experience with kundalini involved being seen. SEEN.

our processes are always met with the right people and the right energies, at the right time. someone may be assisting us in ways that we will not understand until much later in life. knowing how divinely ordered this seems to have been in my life brings me tremendous peace. even on my worst days. understanding the chaos as well as the bliss brings me tears of joy and gratitude.

kundalini energy is something that we share with a certain soul group. this is my belief, I have not read that belief anywhere else (yet). and again it is because we are each so different in our energetic make-up. sometimes we “stumble” upon one of its group members during a strange time in our life. I have concluded that it is usually during a chaotic time. and the person we will stumble upon will have already passed through the eye of the needle. and in doing so, when the two energies connect, the seasoned energy can hold space for the person who has no idea what is about to hit them/their life. it’s fucking beautiful.

 

Share:

Healing Elaine® destination super luxury sessions 2018 in Greece

this summer season, through the first week of October, I will be offering my first-time destination super luxury sessions in Santorini, Greece.

I have already posted about how and why it has taken so long to find the perfect location, and the perfect people to do this with. finding the *right* people is not easy. most people have agendas. most businesses have agendas. these people and this location has one agenda: love. truly. as I’ve described my way of working with people in the past, I do not see people just to “work”. if I had done that, my entire vibe and business would be so different. I have put myself in risky positions, logistically, just to listen to my heart. over and over and over again. the space that I have chosen (or rather it and the people in it has/have chosen me!) is yes business, but love first. we match. this is a true anomaly and a long-time coming.

these sessions will last one week in the most exotic and source-energy focused space you will ever encounter. we will be situated in the middle of a historic volcano, and what now remains of it. the work is already outlined many times in my blog. I don’t write about trade secrets and logistical agenda, and each session is tailor-made per person. it’s impossible to anticipate in advance. this is a super luxury destination, so for some folks it will be their entire year of planning for just one important week of their life; and for others, it will be as simple as booking a trip to the shopping center. in either case, what will be required is surrender and work, all the same, on a soul level. there will be very few of these that I am able to do, both energetically and logistically. the hotel itself is a dream, and I will let it be known that both the owner and hotel director very well understand and support my work. receiving this presence of understanding and support is the only way I can greenlight a location in which to do my work — it is energetically crucial to the experience as all people and things are interconnected whether we like it or not. in this case, we will like it!

if you are serious about booking the above, leave a message on the business line 646 470 1178. if you are already aware of the hotel because you have landed upon this page only as a byproduct of speaking with my support system at the hotel, please also feel free to coordinate through the venue. otherwise, for privacy purposes I am not listing the name of the hotel, just the same as with my NYC sessions.

as people become more comfortable with the concept of “healing” — and by that I mean legitimate healing with actual testimonials from real world people (more to come) –, they will also begin to open to the notion of energy as it translates to physical spaces. this is a project that I began working on last year. once again it is full of trade secrets, and so it may seem cryptic or ambiguous to others, but the bottom line is that the tangible results will deliver undeniable awareness. it is my goal to make people comfortable with the unseen so that they may live better lives. Rome was not built in a day but my ambition to tie all of these concepts together is something I have been working toward my entire life and more specifically the past decade. and like Gladwell’s Outliers book, the time has gestated tangible forms.

I am most excited to continue collaborating with many special people in my life. no one in it wants to take, but rather to inspire, collaborate, and see other people excited and happy. this is more than I could ever ask for, as most humans operate on such a strings-attached psychological basis. I will have none of that. and yet we will still get the “job” done!

Share:

yesterday my therapist and I figured out what my “problem” is. and here it is —

maybe I’m not like most people. maybe I’m not like a LOT of people. maybe I’m like no people. I don’t know. but since I was small, I forever wanted to know how I could be better. fixed. “normal”. I wanted to know how I could be a better person. I wanted, mostly, to know what was wrong with ME, because then maybe, just maybe, I could fix my surroundings. I know. heartbreaking. it brings tears up just writing this. but this is real. it’s how I spent my entire life. it is a lens that I still look through, and I fortunately now have other lenses for reference.

when I was in my 20s, I attended many alanon meetings. I remember one time, the group leader at the meeting was speaking about what HER addiction was. and I kept thinking, “what is mine?”. I had been to therapy (with seriously, some really defunct people, and a couple of good ones throughout that decade of my life) and they had asked me repeatedly “but what did you DO with all of that pain? what did you DO with that trauma?”. the looked desperately for a diagnosis for me and could never find one. I was never a cutter. I never had eating issues or body image disorder. I didn’t vomit or starve myself. I didn’t use drugs and I was not alcoholic. I did not sleep around. I had no personality disorder (though I desperately wanted one! because then I wouldn’t have to accept my reality and the others in it! because then I could actually FIX something!). as I sat in this one alanon meeting, I felt like a failure for not being able — once again as I felt all throughout my early years on this planet — to pinpoint my “problem”. I didn’t know what it was and it felt horrible. because if I could just have a diagnosis, or a tangible label, maybe I could work toward fixing stuff. but what stuff was I fixing? I remember leaving that alanon meeting and realizing what my addiction was…bending, breaking, doing all kinds of headstands that I could to fit what others wanted me to be. I unconsciously chose broken and sick people in my relationships so that I could prove I was broken. being around their brokenness was familiar territory, and it put me back into the old comfort zone of what my ego knew best: having my light dimmed, or dimming it enough to be broken enough to match another person. I was addicted to being less than, and then working out these issues in my intimate/romantic relationships. because I never chose a situation that was on par with my being. I didn’t know how. I was trained so beneath my actual value that I would go and match it in the real world, and then try to break myself further when it didn’t “work” – because obviously it didn’t match me on a core level. I was addicted to having something wrong with me. the problem was, that that was just the problem. and so I could not find a “real” problem. which perpetuated the problem.

at the end of my 20s, I decided to take a good, long break from relationships. I was always better on my own anyhow. I could go a year or two without dating, even celibate, with no issue. in fact, the longer I was alone and not entangled in an unbalanced romantic “partnership”, the higher I would begin to fly. until the pitfalls of my early life and training sucked me back into a paradigm that had nothing to do with me. and so I would repeat it again — to prove that I was damaged. so I spent a LOT of time alone. of course I saw all of my peers dating and sleeping around, and I wondered what was wrong with me sometimes, because it just wasn’t me. this time alone however, without the burden of someone else’s unsolved, unattended to, and honestly eternally unsolvable issues, was EVERYTHING. my life became stable. interesting…I removed the common denominator to the pitfalls of my life and being, and I was thriving again…

I saw a few more therapists. the one I liked the most at that time was murdered in her office one day. it was tragic. she was classy, supportive of me, and probably the second therapist since my move from out-of-state years prior, to tell me that I was not crazy: I was around crazy people. the PROBLEM was, I still didn’t believe that (the part about me being normal). I kept trying to prove that there was something wrong with me. and I unconsciously chose the worst people and situations to validate that. it was an old comfort zone, the only zone I ever knew. so, how could my mind or ego adrenaline even get itself around the fact that maybe there was another truth that I just could not connect to in the outer world? after all, somewhere, deep down, I did believe that therapist, and that is how I ended/escaped every relationship I ever had. I only saw my then-therapist 3 times before she was murdered. but sometimes, there are people who say something to us, and it just clicks. the source of the info is so important. she saw my truth. she clicked for me. but I still, myself, was not convinced on an unconscious or even fully conscious level…

as I entered my 30s, I still chose really bad people to be around. when I say “bad”, I mean those with bad intentions. users, social climbers, sociopaths even. of course I would realize who they were once situations went awry. I was not dating these kinds of people. I had ended serious and even casual dating in my 20s! so it began to show up in my day-to-day life as I began to build other things/businesses for myself. unconsciously, there I was, choosing some of the very worst people: so that I could prove that I had caused it. that I was responsible for their bad behavior. that I was the one who was unbalanced, not them. I basically unconsciously looked for any asshole I could find, and these assholes were absolutely fully unconscious as there was not a shred of self-reflection in their field, and I tried to help them or do them favors. things like getting them jobs, bringing them onto projects I was part of, joining projects they were doing, and so forth. even co-workers on little projects or a crappy retail job that I had. I kept attracting all of these users losers and plain clothed assholes. I resigned to the fact that again, it must just be me. if I kept attracting this, what did that say about me? again, I looked for my dysfunction. I went therapist hopping again. I found one out-of-state and she was really nice. but not nearly strong enough for me. she did not have the depth of insight that I needed. I felt perpetually lost and decided that I am just not a likeable person.

now, it’s not like I didn’t have friends and acquaintances during all of the above time. I had tons. too many, in fact. and, both at those times and in retrospect, of course I did: all I did was give. endlessly. like blood bleeding from a stone. of course people loved to be around me. I saw the best in everyone. I was a sociopath’s dream. I was a dream not only because I had no boundaries around my giving, but because I was trained to go against my instincts and straight into abuse, duality and danger. most of my “friends” at this time were not only fair-weathered, but they had no core true self. I began to become more and more isolated during this time and it actually felt good. it was around the time of many ego deaths and a death of self that I talk about in my eBooklets. one day a thought occurred to me, as my “best friend” at the time accused me of being selfish…LOL — she was THE most selfish person I have ever met, both in retrospect and I knew it at the time that she said it — the thought was “wait a minute, maybe my life has been inverted for me and I need to reverse everything I have ever thought about myself…what if, just for a few minutes a day, I meditate on the fact that there is nothing wrong with me?”. this seemed like a HUGE feat. and it was. it still is, and I will continue explaining why.

as I began to meditate on the above, which honestly seemed like a HUGE risk, I began to spend more and more time alone. this is around the time that I had been counseling people on the DL, and doing healing work for them, but I had not called it reiki nor had I come out of the closet with my healing practice. I basically began to see the correlation between my inner happiness and the fact that there was no one around me. I felt on one hand, amazing, but on the other, that maybe I could not spend my life in solitude, trusting no one. so I resolved to remain in solitude, and to slowly let people in eventually. after about a year or two of transition to the point where all I did was eat, sleep, do yoga, work and breathe ALONE 100% of the time, I met two ladies. one’s name is Megan. Megan is my dearest friend, a brilliant doctor who is also very empathic and can’t talk about much of what I do for work in her field. yes, the medical community is still like that. the other lady, her name is Vanessa. I met each of them about a year or so after my hiatus from society. I had been nearly a shut-in and I loved it. no one was giving me shit. I had either stopped communicating with or substantially cut down on engaging with ANYONE who made me feel bad. and I didn’t question it, and I didn’t question what MY problems were anymore, for the first time ever, at least not at the frequency that I had in the past, my entire life prior. so enter Megan and Vanessa…

Megan is someone I met at my yoga studio. at that time, I could not afford to go to yoga, so I was a work-study. she was also a work-study and I covered her shift. I don’t know how we ended up hanging out but we did. it was such a new experience. I remember one day, I was feeling down, and she just came over and sat on my bed with me. I had nothing to give to her. just my presence. and that was enough! that. was. enough. I couldn’t believe it. I thought “wow…is this what friendship is? no tit for tat, no measurement, no…judgement?”. that moment hit my gut like nothing else. it was one of my first social experiences with 100% acceptance. I knew right then and there that she was a lifer. I didn’t need to do a song and dance for her to like me, and I didn’t need to solve her problems. she didn’t need to show me off to her other friends and there was nothing outwardly or superficially important about me to her. she just wanted ME. we are friends to this day, even while she has spent the last 6 years working overseas with occasional NYC visits. actually, I think she is moving back soon…

also around the end of my hermit solitude phase (I still have them by the way, this phase was just simply marked with a brand new chapter, and nearly none of the old souls in my life carried over to this day), I also met Vanessa. Vanessa also happens to be a doctor! in fact, I met each of them while Megan was in medical school at NYU and Vanessa was applying for a medical program in AZ. one day, I was sitting in my then-favorite coffee shop where I spent a LOT of time thinking and writing (and getting hated on) and getting loved on. I offered to move one of my belongings for this young lady sitting near me and we locked eyes and began talking. that was it. she met me at the biggest transition ever, to date, of my life. it was similar to spending time with Megan: she wanted nothing from me but a true, soul connection. like Megan, sometimes she would come over and just listen to me, and give ME advice and support. like Megan, she was pure. devoid of jealousy, bitterness, comparisons, and anything similar. my body felt light and relaxed and I didn’t have to try to smile if I didn’t feel like it. any potential resting bitch face was not met with resistance or attitude. she just knew my soul and accepted and supported me. we are still in contact. she saw me transition from the throes of housing court and no food to having a thriving business that continues to expand every single week. she is genuinely happy for me. she did not feel inadequate when I posted about my excitement and success for my business when I came out of the closet over half a decade ago. she will probably read this and definitely give me the thumbs up.

the two women above, Megan and Vanessa, were instrumental in helping me to redefine my personal worth, identity, and NEW NORMAL. it is also not an accident that these were the energies present in my life when I came out of the closet with my work, with my actual name and photograph — because my practice has been nothing short of that same exact energy. my practice is the greatest blessing in my life (besides my cat). ha. my practice is everything, and even when I get scared about getting “bigger” and saying “yes” to being “out there” publicly, I know that nothing — nothing — can damage what it is. because it is me. my internal being. all of it. with all of this said, it became easier and easier for me to work on my “problem” — which was, figuring out what my “problem” is…

although my practice was and is the ultimate dream come true, something I give and take the ultimate form of inner peace from, I was still encountering pure assholes in my day-to-day life in acquaintanceships and people whom I kept trying to help. I write about the technical aspects of this in my eBooklet about why we are attacked. so I had totally licked the romantic part of my life, and the “never ever again” moment that I had in my 20s has never been again, but I was still coming up against old familiar responses in the general outer world. and, like a chicken-egg snafu, either choosing people or being chosen by people to help and then get stomped on. the old unconscious patterning of being convinced that it MUST be something that I was/am doing ensued again. and so last year, when I decided that because everything was going SO right in my life and I wanted support as I crescendoed — with a new therapist — I decided I would go back to addressing my “problem”: trying to find out what was wrong with me based on others’ reactions. you would think I would have had that figured out already, right?

well, in a sense I DID have it figured out. I DO have it figured out. I know this on a strictly intellectual level, and it doesn’t linger long when I’m in the “problem”. but it’s something that I would like to be rid of forever, and know FULLY on an emotional and even newly unconscious level. and recently I got there. and that is not easy, as my adrenaline has been running on the same fuel of BLAME and guilt since the day I was born.

over the past year, and this past year of 2017 specifically, something happened. not only did I begin therapy consistently, but I attracted more Megan’s and Vanessa’s — in my personal and career sector. nevermind my practice and my patients, that/those are DIVINE. but my ME life — what I want, where I want to go, who I am, etc. those who are helpful to reflecting back my core, my truth and my value. those who want to help ME, and see ME succeed. what also happened, as a compliment to having these NEW people around me, is that I had a healthy and powerful sounding board for my understanding of self and those entering my field. so when my lifelong “problem” popped up (I will tell you again below what it was/is!), there was an army of sound, sane, wonderful people around to keep me on track.

my “problem” has been a rather intense reaction from others. my entire life. it’s separate from me having been a rescuer or saver or God complex individual in romantic partnerships or past friendships. something that plagues me, nearly daily, is unwanted responses from others around me. these others are not usually strangers, but they are not always friends either. they are people I see on a regular basis in passing. who just can’t figure me out. and for some reason it’s important to them to figure me out. you know how it goes: people generally do not like what they can’t understand. they are also people/3rd parties that I meet as significant others or what not to people I have a connection to. or, they are acquaintances that I have tried to help and inspire. not friends, and not patients: but present enough to notice. in short: they just don’t like me. for no valid reason in particular (I’m finding out). my entire life, and up until this year, I have been hypervigilant to accommodate someone’s response before they respond (PTSD much?). I have been hypervigilant to smile, mirror, or do whatever so someone would not feel whatever it is they feel around me. I have been pathologically apologetic. to avoid my “problem” — other’s reactions. but we know that’s not been the real problem. the real problem is the fact that I still believed that there was something that I was doing to illicit said response or behavior from someone else. this was my glue. the ego adrenaline in my DNA that said “if you don’t blame yourself you will die”. because that is how I began and lived my entire life. and I am excellent at helping others through my work who have been in the same position. and I can explain it all intellectually, like any of us can, but living there full-time has been a challenge in terms of really, truly and 100% believing and feeling that my very presence is not defunct.

so yesterday when I went to therapy, I had like 5 real-time debbie downer examples to share with her about the insanity I was experiencing with other people as of late. I went in partially convinced, again, that I might need some fixing! I asked her – begged her – to tell me if I was haughty. or arrogant. or…something. anything. and however, even before the therapy session yesterday, I was already on the brink of full-breakthrough into the land of no more fucks given. so before I get into the appointment —

I had been walking with my gatekeeper, late at night before my latest therapy appointment, down the west village neighborhood blocks. I looked up at the sky and asked him to please tell me if I ever had a diva moment. I asked him if I ever appeared to be full of myself or rude or anything like that. he nearly laughed. “no”, he said. then, he told me something ground-breaking to my awareness as to what my “problem” is. we had recently been in an elevator, looking at new rental space for me. as we were going up to view the space, the real estate broker said to about six of us in the elevator “this is our prime unit. it will go incredibly fast”. my gatekeeper told me that I unconsciously — and that he knew it was unconscious — looked up from the email that I was sending, tilted my head (sans side-eye), and just looked at this broker with an awareness that he was full of shit. and then I went right back into my email. and he was right — I had no memory of my unconscious response. my bs radar was alive and well, even while I was engaged in another thought. I guess this type of active radar is obvious to others. well, the guy was totally full of shit and the unit was shit. so I guess I don’t mind my radar and I’m glad to know it is there, and this might possibly help to “explain” others’ responses to me. I will not apologize for my natural sense of truth and what my body does or signals around that.

back to my therapy appointment yesterday. there were so many examples as of late, of negative and unfair responses of others toward me (including those I have tried to help on a personal level — no good deed, y’all!!) that I was again in my old sickness, assuming “I did something”. or “I am this way and it needs fixing!”. so as I unloaded the 5 recent examples with my therapist, we went through every checklist possible and she spelled out what I already knew intellectually, cognitively, consciously: this is about other people. if you have read my other posts, you will see the very first thing she ever said to me on our very first day together, knowing absolutely nothing about me: “another person’s obsession with you has nothing to do with you”. pretty astute, ey? yeah, I found the right therapist.

and so all of the events leading up to this week in particular finally allowed me to unhinge that remaining 1% of me that still believes that it is ME who is affecting others, and responsible for their response: through forgetting to smile, through poor mirroring or whatever the Fuck it is people want from me. I think I have been pretty solid at being unapologetic now for a number of years, but my “problem” was still there, in the basement of my mind. and maybe it still is, in the tiniest fraction imaginable. but something broke this week, for good. I had too many people acting shitty toward me, again for no reason that I could fathom or figure out (and believe me, I tried, and asked) to ignore what I was supposed to learn: another person’s behavior has nothing to do with me.

the crux of all of the above was and is a survival based chemical inside of me. that is all. it is different for each of us. there are a lot of factors. too many to count how it manifests for each of us.

I asked my therapist for a full explanation as to my “problem” again, one that I have heard many times, and one that makes me vulnerable to share here, as to WHAT people respond to with me. and here is what she gave me. it’s nothing I didn’t already know, but maybe I fully accepted it recently. she told me that my “problem” is that I am transparent. that I can not lie. that my face and my body language can not lie. that my energy reflects back truth, like a child, and most people are not comfortable with the truth. this sounds a lot like my eBooklet about why we are attacked. but, just like a first-class therapist who goes home to her wife-beater husband every night, truth sinks in at different times and different levels. cognitively, emotionally, spiritually, physically and otherwise. I think I heard it in all spaces of myself this time. I thought about all of the people I see, in spaces like yoga studios and places where people are supposed to be “awake” and who just do not like me. and I hear about it. and see it. and feel it. and I do not have the energy to get them to like me. because I don’t know how to be fake. my “problem” is basically, bottom line, that I don’t know how to be fake. and my bullshit detector is naturally on over-drive, and I can’t fix it. I also can’t change whatever electromagnetic equation or signal my body or field put out to accommodate someone else’s personal sense of security, and I can’t make myself ugly enough for someone else to feel attractive. that, of course, is base-level 3d shit, but it does amaze me how people respond to physical appearance (I wish we were all blind, that would teach us a good lesson). I thought about the “friends” I hire for projects only to have them secretly resent my success and ghost me while trying to maintain relationships with MY hard-earned introductions. talk about hurtful, daggers to the heart. I thought about the spore of where all of these patterns, across the board, come from. and I decided to take a real risk: stop asking what I am doing wrong. stop analyzing, worrying and looking for a diagnosis in order to spare my conscious awareness of someone else’s deficits. I have to let them be what they are without looking inward anymore as to how I might be causing abc response. maybe I’m different, and, like my therapist said, I may never learn to lie or fake it with my energy field. and if that’s my problem, I do not want to fix it. I remain unapologetic for being the best person I know how to be, and letting others lose their shit if they can’t stand my truth. let them.

I write this from an open and (obviously) vulnerable space. as I write, my stomach feels queasy, because I am releasing lots of final threads of beliefs, feelings that accompany them, and the shitty people who have jumped on those threads of energy. I write this from a space of compassion for anyone else who doesn’t blend, can’t blend, doesn’t know how, and lives from a space of purity and non-judgement — only to be judged constantly by others. I write this from a space of advice, given my personal make-up: be willing to let people not like you — hate you, even. be willing for there to be something gravely wrong with you (there isn’t). be willing to, just for a moment, imagine that what I am saying is true. if you do it enough, you will step into a power few will ever know as humans.

my problem has been and is, thinking that I have one. that is my problem. what is yours?

 

 

Share:

Laura’s Video Testimonial for Healing Elaine®

LAURA! here Laura, rockstar woman of the world, talks about our work together regarding her mystery illness.

Like so many of my sessions, my work with Laura was centered around a mystery “illness” – and undiagnosed “illness”. Man, those are my favorite to work with – I love the crime solving aspect to these cases! When I look at a person I know what they are holding in their unconscious mind and energy field, and how/why it got there – these are the puzzle pieces that DIRECTLY correlate to their “illness”.

Laura has become a friend. I met her years ago when I first came out of the closet with my public healing sessions. she is a super, super person. as a successful producer, she travels the world and has studied many therapeutic modalities. I love Laura.

Share: