typically when we think of the word suicidal, we think of depression. we think of self-harm. and I will say that suicide is very misunderstood, because I have seen and understood “suicidal” from a wider vantage point than many might attempt to / explain it.
just as mysterious as we might discover love, fate/destiny, otherwise uncontrollable and medically inexplicable feelings within an otherwise very psychologically stable person, and unexplainable events or occurrences, we might also find alongside those things – suicide.
there are different archetypes of the notion “suicidal” from a medical and clinical perspective; they can be googled, read about and researched elsewhere. plenty of research and studies have been conducted along the lines of what we already know. I am here to discuss the archetype that has not been written about before, or at least not in this way: the spiritual…with a bridge to the medical. it is my hope to potentially provide greater understanding about human connection — the one we have to our self, within the soul (5d)/body (3d)context — and how that relates to what we call suicidal.
we all have that one person, and/or that one subsequent benchmark experience (that is, if we can recognize them/it) that helped shape us and our life for the better.
although a therapist once told me (and I still believe her) that I suffer from “pathological gratitude”, lately I have been reflecting on the people and experiences who and that, nonetheless, helped shape my life. maybe some of it is pathological gratitude, but even if so, I am still consciously grateful for who and that which helped remind me of who I’ve always been and where I am capable of going.
I’ll start at the earliest point in my life. there was a couple who lived across the street from me starting from when I was about 9 months old. Charlie and Sue. they did not have children, just dogs. the person I was most connected to, or who was most connected to me, was Charlie. my earliest memories include Charlie. as early as I could walk, I recall being with Charlie. as I sat on his lap and talked about his dogs (his dogs were a huge part of his life), he gazed at me with love in his eyes. this love had no attachment. this love had no need. this love had no expectation. it was perhaps my first recollection of unconditional love. I can recall, even now, what I felt: seen, special, connected, and loved. I moved away when I was just 4, so my time with Charlie was brief and intermittent. apparently when he died a few years ago (I only recently discovered that fact), I was in photos of a slideshow that was presented at his remembrance ceremony. it was only recently that I made a huge connection to the meaning of Charlie in my life: he provided me with a protective energy that would last a lifetime. how do I know this? because when I look at his photo today, I STILL FEEL THAT FEELING. the feeling that I had as a toddler. why is this important to share?
recently a close friend of mine went through a breakup. his partner has a young daughter who he was introduced to when she was very little. he was with his partner for over half a decade, no doubt leaving a very strong impression on the life of this little girl. as he spoke to me about the angst he felt in his heart for being apart from the little girl, and concern for her well-being and remembrance of him on her part in the future, I was reminded of my own experience with Charlie. what we often forget is how powerful and impressionable the mind and heart of a young child are; they never, ever forget. they forget things that are indeed dangerous…but they always remember the love. the positive. and all it takes is one positive to outweigh thousands of negatives in the form of people and experiences. no, it does not erase trauma or difficulty…but it will, at a certain point, prevail over negativity. our experiences with people are imprinted upon our soul, and for better or for worse, we recall them and bring them into our consciousness (either during our life span or on our death bed — either way it is inescapable! it’s just a matter of timing) one day. pain leaves us…love stays. ultimately.
the next memory of someone who shaped my life is one that came about in a very indirect fashion, and it’s sort of sad/raw. but I have to tell it. if you have been reading my blog for a time, you will have already gotten the gist of my life, even if sometimes cryptically described — that said, this next memory won’t sound too off-color. I was a prepubescent child. it was Christmas eve. those who were to care for and love me went to a neighbor’s house in the evening. while there, the very essence and truth of my being was thrown under the bus by those who were there to care for and love me. upon hearing such alarming and negative words come from such a seemingly unlikely source, the owner of the house, the neighbor, became enraged. instead of just playing politics for the sake of saving face and having to see his neighbors every day, this man (a real man, I would later understand) stood up and began screaming in defense of me. he called me one of the sweetest, kindest children he had ever met – and then he kicked out the people who were supposed to love and care for me. on Christmas eve. his rage and (rightful) upset over what he witnessed, a crime against a small child, was so intense that he woke his own children with his roaring anger and words (who were close in age to me). years later, I would hear this story told by this man’s own children. it didn’t start to hit me until I was in proper therapy, that someone had actually tried to defend me in my life. it was nobody close to me (otherwise my life would have been very different), but someone did indeed defend me. I just wasn’t there to witness it. but hearing about it proved to be a God-send, only many years later. what that man did for me mattered. it still matters. and a current piece of me in present day can connect to that timeline and feel gratitude. and protection.
during my second internship in college, I was paired with a software development company. my skill-sets and focus weren’t necessarily the best match for this company, but the founder, Phil, resonated with my passion for modern languages and travel. during the interview, he asked me what led to my interest in foreign culture, and I let him know that my first boyfriend was from another country. that seemed to be the clincher! – he could relate, as he himself wanted and had decided to marry a non-American! he impressed upon me the fact that intrinsic resonance was more important than technical skills or a resume, and he gave me a very important opportunity. aside from training or retraining my mind to think analytically (I was an analyst slash data entry person for his company), I learned interpersonal skills I had never learned before. he taught me about the acronym/word ASS-U-ME. I learned that almost everything I had learned up until that point was…not very helpful if I was going to make it in the world and be successful with any employer. he questioned not just my office skills, but my interpersonal skills. I cried in my car after work a few times, and sometimes even in the bathroom at work. I always knew he was a great person, so I didn’t blame him – I realized that he was showing me a new way of living and communicating, since my methods at that time would not serve me in the future. it was hard for me to change. but he gave me a chance. he saw me. and I realized that he could have chosen “better” in terms of the technical skills that would have been optimal for his company, but he worked with me both as an employee and as a human being. he brought heart and business into one setting for me. and it changed the way I looked at the world, and myself (can’t have one without the other, right?).
the next person who helped me to “see” myself, was my first true “boss” out of college. I took a sales job. an on-the-road sales job. door-to-door. C-Suite talk only. meaning, we were not allowed to discuss, on any level, a sale with anyone who was not a C-Suite. imagine that! we were not allowed to email prospects. it was all face-to-face, or via phone, or nothing at all. and they had to be top decision makers…or nothing at all. now to be clear, I was TERRIFIED of public speaking, and I was TERRIFIED of walking into (sometimes nearly breaking and entering!) an office building and demanding at the reception desk to see the CEO or CFO. I basically took my absolute worst nightmare job…because I knew I needed to grow. so this first boss is named Sean. we are still in contact to this day. at any rate, Sean hired me. and he trained me. I watched this 25 year old man blaze into offices in his suit (we were required to wear suits), casually and firmly demand to speak with the CEO, and act like it was normal. at first, I would stand there with embarrassment — I couldn’t believe anyone could be so brazen! but he did it with careful confidence. he did not let fear get in the way. I had a long way to go before I felt I could get there. but within a few months, I was there. it started with me entering offices and running out, due to fear. and it ended with me confidently asking to meet with the CEO on the spot (the company’s model was a 15 second pitch-to-close — or nothing was happening!). I became one of the company’s top sales people at that time, because I believed in the service, but also because Sean believed in me. he didn’t mind that I was socially awkward, or that I was hypervigilant or would probably shake at first or that my voice was in my throat most of the time. he let me burn some leads because I was not perfect or successful yet. and his belief in me, and his kindness toward me, changed me. it simply showed me that I didn’t have to not believe in myself or keep my head down.
the next person who shaped my life for the better happened to be an astrologer. her name was/is Veronica. I have no idea whether or not she is still alive. she came from London and lived in CT. I was 26 and I went to see her for a life consult. as we sat together for 3 hours, she shared some very raw and tough-to-hear truths about my life, my past, and my future. since I had become so accustomed to criticism throughout my life, I was able to sit there and hear whatever she needed to say (this is one of the perks of not being coddled and told “you’re the greatest”). the most important thing that she shared with me in her candid read on me and my life, was my destiny. I knew it, always, in my heart. yet, I was so scared of who that person was, because I was trained to be the opposite of that person. clearly, Veronica could see this, and it pissed her off a great deal. it’s funny, because now in my line of work, I see and feel the same way when young women come to me: rage and compassion surrounding things that have been taken from them – and it is my mission to return to them their intrinsic gifts. at any rate, Veronica sat and told me what was so clearly in my chart, and when she said it I sobbed a big loud sob. she didn’t waiver. she told me that I was crying because it was true. I said yes. and there it was. I had permission, for the first time in my life, to become what I already was — underneath a sea of opposition. and after that reading, that is exactly what I did: I went and became what I had always been, and was always meant to be. I am still expanding my wings to this day, and I won’t stop until I am dead. and probably not after that, either, FYI.
the “final” person and experience who/that shaped my life seems, even while writing this, almost innocuous due to the brevity of such…but the impact of it supersedes duration. and because it stands out so acutely, it is certainly a big part of who I am today. when I was starting Healing Elaine® – and I was just called it “Elaine” at the time – I was interviewing for part-time work within the sphere of what I do. I hadn’t fully come out of the spiritual closet at that time, and I didn’t have enough money for rent based on my work. so I spent my entire days and often nights looking for tie-in work with which I could earn, while handing out my “Elaine” business cards during the day. I found a top psychiatrist who was looking for a bilingual admin slash receptionist, and it seemed perfect! I had started as a psych major in college, and I minored in modern languages. I didn’t get the job, but I walked out with more than a job. when I went to the interview, he let me know that part of the process was to take an aptitude test that he had designed himself. I took the test, and I recall thinking DURING it that I could be doing better on it. he kept looking at me with curiosity, it felt. at the end of the test, he looked at me and said: “most people do not do that well on that test”. I was like, OK, and…and then he said it again, firmly, looking me directly in the eyes. it hit me, many months later, that what he was trying to tell me was that I was good enough. that I was worthy. and that I was better than I knew. perhaps that parts of me were above average. he could see that I could not see myself the way I was, the way that God had designed for me to see myself. and to this day, his words and focus upon me resonate and reverberate and heal me. that half-hour interview is still in my DNA. and I am grateful for it.
I wanted to write about this today, because I have recently been hearing about and seeing examples of lives that were positively touched in the simplest of ways…ways in which we often underestimate, regardless of our dynamic in a particular relationship. sometimes “just doing our job” as a boss or mentor — even if we teach someone a difficult lesson — can be savored many, many years later. and appreciated. and it can be life-changing. actions have power…we may not be able to stop child abuse, but we can certainly confront abusers by telling them “NO!” – whether that child is present or not. that energy goes a long way. as does love. just being in the presence (no matter how short of a time it may be, and no matter personal or professional in capacity) of someone who loves us because they are connected to themselves in some way, can heal even the deepest of wounds.
I am currently and quickly scheduling for the next pop-up offering – please read my entire About section, and Services section which describes prior pop-ups and protocol. leave a voicemail on the business line 917-985-1221 regarding the pop-up.
so you may or may not follow astrology – we are currently in a Mercury retrograde. this means different things for different signs, but there is an overall vibe as well as common denominators for the entire collective (typically electronic failures, travel disruptions, and general miscommunications). this particular retrograde has been positive for me, so I am thankful. typically we hear of people cringing with anticipation right before and during a Mercury retrograde, as we also each go over past lessons or are re-presented with old lessons that we get the opportunity to master.
with the energy of Pisces so strongly in the air, my personal intuition has been more heightened than usual. the good news about this is the fact that I am receiving a lot of closure/answers to question marks that remained in my conscious and subconscious mind. I’ve been waking up with strong realizations about my personal life, and random past (recent past, actually) experiences. it has been a beautiful time, in this regard, as of late. we all question ourselves at times, especially when our intuition is REALLY on point — because intuition often defies logic…causing us to truly question our knowing. thanks to whatever is happening astrologically at the moment, I am getting more clarity than ever on past question marks. it feels like a very healing time for me.
I hope everyone is well, and I am looking forward to connecting with old & new folks later this month around a blazing supermoon which lands right on the March Spring Equinox!
I will start with talking about something that I talk about in every single session, workshop, or otherwise Healing Elaine® exchange. one of my vulnerabilities.
to preface this. one of the reasons that I did not continue to pursue my psychology degree (which was my major at Northeastern University) at University was that I did not feel it would allow me to be as vulnerable as I wanted to be with people. the reason that I wanted to be vulnerable with people, and continue to be, is because I find it gives them “permission” to do the same and then change. as a true quantitative slash artist hybrid, I walk the line between both human designs. the artist in me wanted and wants to express my core more strongly than the quantitative helper in me, in order to help others. this is why I landed outside of my major and “role” in life: psychologist. psychotherapist. psychiatrist.
as said hybrid, the artist in me breaks down the walls and barriers that would not be suited for a traditional therapeutic environment. and so hence we also have this blog. I will say that yes, despite my vulnerabilities which can make me feel very trapped at times, I do feel extremely free. and it is simply because I am not owned. not on paper, and not in any other way. this is something I would not trade for the world. freedom. it is why I have not accepted investment offers for my business as of yet. it is why I have not done many things. and yet I work hard to be aware when I am working from fear versus the conscious choice to not be a sell-out. the value of freedom is so important to me, because I never had it when I was young. my entire being did not belong to me. I digress.
back to freedom. being free allows me to express my vulnerabilities in a very raw and unveiled fashion, and the one that I wanted to share today (again, you can likely find variations of my sharing of it in other posts) is my fear of success. no, I don’t have a fear of failure. I have a fear of success, that would be quickly followed by a fear of failure tied only to that very success. this, I understand, is a widespread or common problem for people. and we all have different stories and experiences that back it up; stories that are both individual and collective in nature. mine comes on the heels of the simple fact that every success I ever had was followed by a catastrophic and terrifying event. as well as absolute radio silence about my achievements unless it suited/benefited someone else. and so I would like to share my experiences, feelings and process around my particular vulnerability revolving around success that I follow to manage this “dis-ability”.
let’s go back in time. when I was fresh out of college, after one of many rough patches courtesy of completely external factors, I was offered a “dream job”. I had pink business cards and they had my name on it. my role was to run around and collect money from big entities like real estate developers and fashion brands and place them in a magazine. yes, it was ad sales. I was using a foreign language to conduct all meetings, I was living in what felt like paradise with beaches and palm trees, and all of my interests seemed to collide in that one period of time for me on that one pink business card. although I had suffered unthinkable trauma that year between family and a very close friend, and a convicted felon landlord who spied on me constantly, I was ready to take on the world! or so I thought. I must admit, there was something about those Barbie pink business cards that really made my heart race. the color, to me, meant that I was about to finally “make it” in life! the way that I got this so-called dream job goes like this. leading up to the job, everything horrible that could have happened to me in a 6-month period of time did, and at the end of it I was out of a job. instead of applying online, I went out to the hottest nightclubs and events wearing my resume on my shirt. this landed me this job. I drafted a business plan for the magazine along with my intentions, and the job was mine within a few weeks. the only problem was, it felt too good to be true. and, it wasn’t too good to be true. I was just used to never getting what I wanted. and so the very thought that something could work out, in my favor, AND be all of the things that I wanted on paper, was…well, it sent my heart racing. I couldn’t sleep for about a week. now for those of you who don’t resonate with my past or the trauma that came before this example I am sharing, I will say this: imagine the absolute unknown, and that it is terrifying because it negates everything that you have ever known. imagine that an example of this might appear totally normal/benign in your eyes regarding the experience of someone else, but that it is very real indeed: the threat of something good happening and what comes with that. remember the time that Oprah gave the homeless man a whole bunch of money, bought him an apartment, counseled him, helped him get a job, and so on? and how a year later he was back on the streets because it was most comfortable? yes. this is how trauma works. it takes years to push through. this is why we can not have shame over our vulnerabilities. they each look different, and for each one of us. and for me, those pink business cards were a real trauma. I was a young woman, attractive, I finally had an exciting job with decent pay, I got to dress like Shakira circa 2002 for my job yet still be treated as a professional, and my business cards…pink. to me, this job represented all of the things I had ever wanted in life — basically my sovereignity– and I got to use my minor in modern languages on a daily basis. I was a rock star! and I couldn’t sleep. because for the first time in my life, I had something that I wanted…that no one else had wanted for me, or had claimed for me…
during this period of time, like Murphy’s law would constantly present in my life, a biological “care taker” came down to steal the show. there was a major incident followed by a medical emergency which landed both of us in the hospital within days of one another, and my life went back to “normal” again. depressive. chaotic. broken. dramatic. scary. completely without support. the way that it impacted this dream job was sort of like a slow burn. I clearly wasn’t able to be present, and my worst fear had occurred again, just like it had earlier that year — my success was not about me. it would never be about me. it would be about someone else, who would either take it or ruin it for me. each time I got on my feet, I was knocked over with pure force. I should have known better. but I was still a kid. a kid, living as far away from chaos as possible, but chaos would always find me – at any cost.
the reason I talk about the pink business cards is that the color pink really meant something to me. it was my favorite color as a little girl. it seemed to be this most fantastic and “dreams can come true” color, which, for whatever odd reason, meant a lot to me. it reminded me of Barbie or something, and the philosophy that “you can be anything”. since I did not receive those messages in a healthy way, I found this permission through my art, creativity, and playtime as a child and young adult. when this trauma of having and losing my dream job (which was really just a basic, not terrible life, by most people’s standards I imagine) happened, that color seemed to bleed all over the place, and the beautiful pink business card with my name on it is something that serves as a symbol for not only that time in my life, but for important imaginative times in my life. it would be a long time before I could find the metaphor for a pink business card again…it would not be until I started Healing Elaine®, in fact. Healing Elaine®, something that, finally, no one could ever take away from me. HE is my pink business card now.
fast forward. you can imagine the years of processes I went through, before the above story, and after it. our vulnerabilities are always a work in progress. and today, another shred of this vulnerability of mine, the sheer fear of success, was revealed. now this may sound like a life sentence to some, who may think “man that really sucks, you actually have to wake up every day and put all of your effort into one foot in front of the other for something so stupid that takes me no effort to do? I’m sorry, that’s awful”…but you know what, if it’s not one thing, it is another for us. we are all challenged in different ways. it’s called relativity. and believe me, this is just one of many of mine. and I share it to give you permission, if it, or something like it, resonates with you.
today I woke to a phone call from someone lovely who I worked with many years ago. the way that I stay in touch with people from the past who I have worked with is via remote sessions (they can be booked by calling the business line by the way — they are 2.5 hours total), occasional workshops, and when I hire folks I’ve worked with for various things. I love to build from the inside out in this way. anyhow, during the phone call, and it could have been a message for this person as well, I was alerted to the ways in which I still make myself so small. the ways in which I still settle, despite what the world may perceive about me from the outside. I do this still, because, unconsciously, I fear imminent physiological death and destruction. every few months and years I make MAJOR strides. and then I plateau. and then the cycle ensues again. and I do not mind it. and each time I reach new contrast, or a new mountain peak, I am reminded (again) that every one of our vulnerabilities is a process. there is never a destination. now, more on my vulnerability of fear of success…
one of the ways in which I have both consciously and unconsciously chosen to deal with this fear is by challenging myself with a fearful action on a daily or weekly basis. this may be as simple as answering a phone call that scares me (or that I have an assumption or intuition about one way or another), or sitting down to complete a task that seems “tedious”, like a business plan, that could actually take me further and make my dreams come true. I have to sit and think about whether I am using my intuition, or my fear, at all times. and that’s fine. I welcome it. one of the unconscious ways that I have “chosen” to deal with this fear is the fact that I am 100% certain God will not let me not be extremely expansive with my being. this is evident in the undeniable, and daily adrenaline rush of purpose that I feel in my veins. it’s something I can not get out of. if you have this, you will know what I am talking about! if you do not have this, it doesn’t matter — there is always an unconscious way in which you are being challenged or will challenge yourself when you are sick of being “stuck”.
the biggest and most SUBconscious piece of my fear of vulnerability, sits on the heels of being afraid that no one will like me if I am successful. how ironic, right? living in the age of complete media whores who will do anything to be seen, noticed, given attention. but this particular fear goes way, way back. and when we notice a fear like this, particularly around success, we have to take that string and pull it all the way back to the beginning. I sit and write my fears: the real ones, and the ones that PROBABLY won’t happen. and even if they did, so what? for me, I still struggle with this idea that if I am successful, I will die – because I will be killed. perhaps not physically. but through so many halting (and criminal, on so many levels) experiences around what should have been joy and pleasure of personal success, my mind body and spirit were trained to HALT. don’t move. don’t breathe, even. do not breathe! I still hold my breath…a lot. the idea that I will die if I am “too successful”, is very visceral in my body. and I work on it every single day.
in order to “survive” the “threat of being successful from the outside world”, I have made myself small in many ways. when my phone would ring off the hook, particularly when HE was first peaking about 5 years ago, I was careful not to return “too many calls” at once…because that would mean that I would “make too much money”…and “someone would find out”…I’m serious, these were real fears. nearly conscious. but not totally conscious, or I would have confronted them. instead, I was given a series of shitty circumstances to confront them.
my modern day / today fears still center around being “too much”, “too successful”, “making too much money” “having more than just my very breath”…and I see how my unconscious mind will work to accommodate what lies just beneath the surface for me. right under the conscious mind is that bridge between the trauma that we can not remember in entirety (and probably thank God for that – our brain serves to protect us until we no longer need to be protected), and the daily shit that annoys us about ourselves. consciously, no, I am not afraid of success! and clearly, I am consciously NOT afraid of vulnerability. because here we are. but in that territory of the unchartered…the basement without a light…the creatures still crawl up with their pink business cards and meet my conscious mind. and it is in between the two realms of psychological thought that I constantly negotiate.
to me, being successful, consciously, means that I can give others permission to do the same. and I do do exactly that. it’s what I get paid for. I also get paid for the unique processes that I use to get people beyond their hurdles. to me, being successful, also means imminent death. this is on the deepest and most unconscious levels possible. yet of course, I am conscious that it is there. and when my unconscious mind alerts my conscious mind to “danger”, that I might be incredibly successful, my subconscious mind comes up with all kinds of stop signs for me. the stop signs look real. they look like pink business cards, sometimes. and while it is painful to know that someone with so much on the ball (me), with so much potential, could still be stopping themselves to make themselves small so that they are “safe”, I find a real beauty in this tragic reality. the beauty is that I will transcend it. and the beauty is that I have no issue with sharing myself in a way that makes other people who struggle exactly with the same, either in specificity or theme, feel safe enough to recall, acknowledge, and address their vulnerability.
with all of this said, consciously I’m on fire with regard to what I want. but I continue the labyrinth of the hidden mind, reminding me that horrible things will happen if I am a great success. and the funniest part about all of it is, there is nothing I can do to stop the Universe’s destiny for me; my biggest fear and weakness, born from experiences only, has become and continues to become my biggest intention and strength. this is how we transcend evil. because what I dealt with was evil on all levels. having things taken from me that no one had any business taking and claiming as their own. and all the while, the paradox of the entire process itself, is a true beauty. this is the labyrinth of life!
some related updates here pertain to past and prospective work with patients…the person I spoke with today was concerned that I was over-booked and would have no time for them for a remote session. I do have time right now, for past patients only (no one gets a remote session unless they have had a traditional or pop up session, first). most of the remote sessions that folks booked at the tail end of last year have been used. so I am booking them again this week. I am also offering a couple of pop-up house calls for former patients only, which include a house clearing. this is something I have done recently on a fairly 911 basis, and it has been beautiful. as I get more organized with my time, it is allowing me to make space for some of these remotes and pop-ups — just during certain times only, because I am in a flux with other projects that can take a strong direction quickly, and there may be long periods of time during which I get suddenly and subsequently blocked off/out and will not be able to offer a remote or anything else. as for pop-up sessions for those I have never seen, stay tuned for the announcements for such. I am not sure if/when I will make another pop-up offering. you must also read both of the pre requisite books in my About section prior to inquiring. these are my general updates for my offerings beyond my TEM and PE focuses/launches (which I am very excited about!).
I hope this post was helpful on a variety of levels.
I touched on the broad strokes of this concept in my recent instagram post.
many of us have been working toward “joy” which, as a concept in and of itself, one (or the “average” person) would consider a natural and spontaneous experience. and it should be. yet when we are blocked or rather when we commit to ways of thinking (out of survival, but then really out of pure CHOICE), we obstruct that flow called “joy”. also, to be clear, I do not believe that “joy” means the same thing to everyone. I have met and experienced either very ill or simply dark-energied people who, upon first glance, one might consider joyless and feel badly for them…but upon second and third glance I’ve realized that “joy” for some folks is literally pain – they actually can’t get enough of it. the notion that we are all energetically equal is our greatest misstep. the idea that everyone thinks like us precedes this often grave misstep.
back to the point of this post. I can look at my life or the life of anyone I’ve worked with and see the various categories of turbulence — emotional, psychological and spiritual (often HENCE, physical) — that are being worked through and I picture the following: a few main arteries of core/spore contrast (aka trauma — and yes, we all have it), with hundreds of veins extending around each main artery. the veins represent what I call “follow up” experiences, that appear to reinforce the main artery or initial core trauma experience/s. because we are made like tracking devices, and one solid trauma in the shape of this artery is planted upon impact, I would say that every single experience post-artery formation is simply a butterfly effect of that initial experience. this means that each time we experience the same, we have the choice to either affirm or deny the cellular history that flows through our bloodstream at a rapid pace BACK to this main artery to “inform” us as to what this new experience means. it is in this part of the communication, from veins to artery, that we have a choice to either “risk” rewiring the information, or to ENFORCE the placement of that artery that flushes the blood that matches all of our followup experiences. so when we feel like we “can’t change” or like things “keep happening TO us”, we are actually battling DNA coding. this is why it can feel like we are getting nowhere after 5, 10, 20 and more years of working on a core issue (artery).
what I saw this past weekend with others and as I do in my own personal life experience, was the actual tipping point in which all of the veins (the subsequent experiences that match an original trauma, or artery as I refer to here) began to re-inform that main artery, giving it a chance to unblock it’s actual point of origin and messaging — so that it can allow for joy, which in my mind is simply the unobstruction of trauma. by the way, when I use the word trauma, I am using it in a VERY vast context. the thing is, so many of us are walking around traumatized aka UNCONSCIOUS and do not even know it. and so we do not dare refer to “it”, our lack of joy, as trauma. we blame everything else, or everyone else, instead. except when we have been consciously working and working and working on ourselves for an extended period of time…
and this is the place that I find most people. there is a solid reason that I list pre requisite reading. most folks I see have been addressing themselves and inner worlds for a long time. perhaps they have sought the best that the psych world has to offer — and when the right person is discovered, there can be little to nothing quite as effective and healing as psychotherapy (which we ALL need — don’t argue me! if you think you don’t need it, you probably REALLY need it. but, the right kind…which can take some effort to come upon). perhaps they have done every new-agey “trick” or perceived “short-cut” (p.s. there are NONE) out there like drugs or plants. either way, the cataclysmic shifts that take place within us usually come upon the heels of long-term effort. I see therapists, I receive recommendations from therapists, and there is a reason: all of that attempted reprogramming of the veins I mention in this post is waiting to line up with a most-needed conversation and time-travel — back to that artery…in a way that “clicks”…in a way that finally gives us the courage to risk letting go of and shifting the very first piece of information we ever received (trauma).
of course this is another metaphor I am painting to describe ego death. but there are so many ways to address the notion of an ego death. it is not one-dimensional, and there are many ways to experience approaching such an experience. it’s infinite actually. and it fascinates me. we die a million deaths before we actually physically die. it never stops. unless we decide to stop growing…and in that space we consciously choose to obstruct our joy.
growing requires embracing fear. deep fear. this fear feels like a complete threat to the body. as we approach this fear, that initial artery strengthens itself and pumps more blood than ever to keep us “alive” and safe from that first experience — it screams its bloody algorithm of fear and “information” as it trickles itself into the veins that seem to resemble it so clearly. people, places and things — everything that has happened over the past X many years — look EXACTLY like that main artery of issue…only, they are not. they may be similar in some ways or many ways, but they are just metaphors to collect enough data and information to finally rewire the artery to unobstruct joy.
the biggest social issue that we face right now is the repeated algorithm of our traumas. I do believe that most every one of us (minus those who relish in illness and negativity and really do enjoy it — yes, this is a thing, call it sociopathy or narcissism or whatever you deem fit) intends to move beyond our main arteries of trauma. this is why it is easy for me to have compassion for so many different people, with so many different backgrounds, beliefs and experiences. at our core, we all actually want the same things. it’s our individual main arteries that keep us in our little boxes. all you have to do is go on twitter to see all of the grown-ass adults in their sandboxes spewing plenty of vein-to-main-artery rhetoric that divides us not from others, but from ourselves first. because it’s easier that way. short-term…
my greatest personal challenge has been exactly what I am writing about here: reinforming the main artery through a series of bloody vein communications that seem to only serve that core trauma and make continued agreements with it. and the further we go, the more we die, the more conscious we become, the harder the tests…we may, in fact, “attract” the same trauma, over and over and over again. this is not to say that it does not exist. what I am saying is that beyond that INITIAL trauma or artery, we are ACTUALLY given free will to ALTER the wiring of the original artery and its algorithm. this can take years. lifetimes. hence the difficulty we all seem to face in terms of allowing joy to flow, or even enter our sphere…
in addition to stating in logical terms the above difficulty, I will illustrate a bit of it in terms of the tipping point that I point to in this post. as we get “closer” to reprogramming ourselves beyond trauma, we will be served with nearly “identical” subsequent traumas to test us (see also my post on the butterfly effect of abuse). the Universe will send us a person who looks, feels, smells or in some other capacity reminds us EXACTLY of that initial trauma. we may SWEAR it is the same thing. and, frankly, IT MAY BE…but here is my point…at this level in the game, we are able to make (risk) a new decision about what that person or experience represents to us. this simply requires “allowing” the perceived worst case scenario to happen to us. for example. if I have a history of experiencing an abusive boss or superior in the workplace, and I have been to therapy or doing some sort of self-help work around the issue at hand and possibly WHY I continue to experience this, right on the heels of great change I may attract seemingly the worst offender I could imagine in the form of a boss. it will then be in that moment that I get to choose and talk through the issue: “ok, this person has the hallmarks of xyz. my body is having a reaction to them. they look like person X. their behavior is like that of person X. but…here are some slight differences…is there any negotiation in my mind that will allow me to DIS-empower this person as my initial offender? is there any room for movement at all?…ok well I can see that I’ve moved the dial very far in my own personal work on person X already…maybe I can use that ‘work’ I have done to build my confidence to take a risk around this subsequent vein of a person who appears exactly like that main artery…ok I choose to empower the beast of that spore hence this vein less than yesterday…”. when we reach the tipping point of a transitional belief that has been ingrained in our body and mind and spirit, we will notice just the slightest room for negotiation in our mind about who the shadow of person X and person X themselves each are. in my experience, NOTHING and NO ONE will ever have as much power as that initial artery, or person X, or our original trauma. even if the butterfly effect and those actual vein experiences are fundamentally worse on a logistical or logical level…let that sink in.
the honor I have of working with extremely complex and layered experiences of others is like none other — when we can take years, emotional and spiritual data, psychological algorithms, and the recognition of TRUTH in all forms and combine this in a way that compliments someone’s tipping point of change…well, I don’t even have enough words to describe what it feels like to witness someone’s shift. in that moment, and it may be soon, or it may be later, what they have done and what we have done is reprogram that main artery. even if it is one artery of many that need to be reprogrammed in order to experience or unobstruct joy, it is an entire artery of truth and LIFE FORCE. we look different after we can allow this joy in, as in its purest form, it is life force. when we are in flow, there is no drug, no nutrition, no workout, no relationship, no tactile thing that can come close to radiating the power of such a revelation. joy is the absence of an obstructed artery.
we are not the way the world or others perceive us. but it takes time to even understand what experiences we are WEARING that color the lens through which others see us, hence the way we ACTUALLY SEE OURSELVES without realizing it. of all these arteries and veins of experiences or obstructions, there may be timelines for each that are specific and individual in nature. one obstruction may last 20 years, whilst another may last a lifetime. others may be shorter in duration and significance. this is often why, when unobstructed, we feel a joy that surpasses what we are able to imagine. this is what we did last weekend.
so first I will comment on my past decisions to completely avoid press, and take very few opportunities or offers for such regarding my work. I waited a number of years before I let anyone talk about my work, because at the time (and even now, despite the sudden and overnight and totally rampant TREND of “healing” and “psychic” in the last two years) it was considered “crazy”. in fact, I didn’t know what to call my work, so when I first started consulting and helping people I just called it “reiki” to make things easy. the truth was and is, reiki doesn’t even touch upon what I do. to read about what it is that I actually do, look through the testimonials listed on the testimonial page and read through this blog. there aren’t many words to encapsulate what has occurred, and what continues to occur, when I pour my heart, experience, intuition and expertise into an individual, their family, and their business. so, it was my choice to first build my arsenal of irrefutable and empirical evidence surrounding my work with fertility (nearly one dozen babies were born last year in 2017, some to women who were told they medically could not conceive), medical mysteries solved (countless cases have been solved, and countless cases are still prepping to be told – let’s reserve the good stuff for later though), and problems that many people had not been able to solve before our work together. since I fully understand the “woo woo” and “crazy” aspects of people who claim to be healers and psychics (just read my blog to hear my perspective), I braced myself for the feedback or backlash that I feared I would receive early on. thankfully, I didn’t receive any. I kept my head down, worked upwards of 100+ hours per week, and dedicated the past decade of my life to helping people solve problems they had not been able to otherwise solve. I loved and love this work. it is my heart. and it wasn’t something that I was going to allow to be butchered, skewed, or misinterpreted early on by risking press. and to be fair, I totally understand why the press often laughs at all things unseen. I have been that person myself a number of times, too.
last year, someone reached out and wrote a beautiful article about me in Forbes. it was really great because Forbes was actually at the top of my list of outlets I was willing and excited to speak with. the writer is an amazing person who didn’t know me from Adam prior, and she let me cold read her and her life before she took my interview. the whole experience, start to finish, was a pleasure. to date, it is the most accurate and objective piece written about me and I am so grateful for it. because generally, “the news” doesn’t want to hear good things…in fact I think we are allergic to good news…we like the controversy…I will admit that once upon a few times, late at night when I can’t sleep, I check a certain person’s twitter account to entertain myself. I spent the last couple of years subsequently dodging press, mostly because I did not feel confident with the “team” I had around me. it wasn’t a stable team and I didn’t feel protected. in addition, I started to learn that many people’s allergy to the notion of what someone like me does, which is true and authentic work, was a real thing. for example last Summer I got a call from a very famous person’s publicist. she asked me if I could come to her event where the Conde Nast editors would be for the fashion magazines. they wanted a “healer” who could bring “crystals” and give “readings” to editors and friends of the celebrity. I very much appreciated the reach-out, I adore the celebrity they reached out for, and I also let her “people” know how I work — specifically that I would not be able to “play the game”, to be fluffy or fake, and that if someone asked me a question, I would tell them the truth. that, of course, was a deal-breaker. she told me point-blank over the phone and still in my notebook from that conversation “ok to be honest with you, what we really want is a fake healer to just bring crystals and tell people good things”. and mostly, this is what sells – fluff. and that’s cool…it’s just, that’s not what I am/do. fast-forward, and the “fake healer” they invited to that event now has her whole own website. with almost all of the same services I offer – how curious! we shall see how quickly “energy work and kids” pops up on people’s/healers radars, now that that is “out there”, too.
as this year of 2018 started to close out, and I focused on two programs I started working on last year — The Energy Mavericks™ (TEM) and Pediatric Energy™ (PE), I opened my mind to press. when my assistant caught a call from The New York Post, I listened to the voicemail and felt really good about the writer. I think she’s a hard worker, smart, quirky, genuine, and does her job — she works for the Post. the energy was really great chatting with her, and I know there is a reason I took that call. she seemed to “get it” during our conversation. her piece, she said, was on kids and wellness. and, I think she’s onto a good new topic! that said, I didn’t and don’t know of anyone else who practices or promotes energy work with children, so I was open to “breaking open a new subject”. it’s something no one else covered before — until my story leaked in the meantime (my article was delayed 3 weeks), and this one “broke” instead. kind of surprising someone scooped up the “scoop”, but not really. all in all, I felt pleasant about the way the writer and editor portrayed the healers in this particular article…mostly as credible, good people. and, the photos were nice…
we (The New York Post and I) scheduled a photo shoot for November 4th, and I gathered some kids I had never worked on before at a center I thought could also benefit from the press as a tie-in — they have a children’s program. not energy work or reiki, but they support kids and I felt that they supported me too. the photographer, noted in my upcoming article link, was a fun and nice guy. I really enjoyed the afternoon with him! plus, the photos he showed me on his camera at the shoot were GREAT! I was sure that I would be happy with whatever photo they chose, and I was excited for the article (in whatever form it came). then came the article…
so, it’s The New York Post. I’ll start there, because everyone knows that the Post is a fun and often salacious news outlet. it’s the outlet that we all go to for entertainment, a laugh, and a fun way to pass part of our Sunday. a patient of mine actually sent me my article link — her husband is a religious Post reader! I didn’t expect a serious article to come for me, and because the team over there was so great, I knew that whatever it was would be positive. that said, allow me to make a few very important edits and corrections to the article: my lawyer is trademarking my program name Pediatric Energy™, not me; I have an entire legal team I have had for years, because I take my work seriously. next, I can’t remember the last time I used the word “monster”; the quote in there, about me calling children energy monsters, is not mine. what I have said, however, is that children nowadays are like much newer modeled cars who often need different fuel than we are accustomed to — with dispositions and diagnoses like autism and the like, for which I have spent countless hours consulting on with parents of children who desperately want to understand their child. I have a great sensitivity for children having opportunities to see themselves as autonomous, loving beings, because it is not an opportunity I ever had as a child. finally, let’s talk about the photo in the article…it’s not my face. I guess I should consider it a compliment that my face and eyes, specifically, would be retouched to actually make me look worse. again, as many of my friends who saw the article and barely recognized me said, “Elaine, it’s THE POST!”. ha. ok. I get it. but…I also don’t know anyone on this planet who is ok with anything less than accurate representation of themselves. plus, in the context of this article (I don’t mind that they played devil’s advocate for both perspectives on healing and wellness for kids…I actually like the spunk of the writer and the outlet in general), it’s important that I don’t look like a total creep. thankfully I remembered to wear my fake wedding ring in the event I did look like a creep…I think it takes away some potential creepiness. and I do look like a creep – from the drawn-in circles under and around my eyes, to the change of my actual face shape along with lines on my neck.
see exhibits A through E, below
The New York Post’s version of my face
The New York Post’s version of my eyes – what happened to my cat eyelashes anyhow?
not sure what is happening here either
the actual version of my face, taken an hour later at dinner
three hours later, taken at Ludlow House as we were getting kicked out for taking photos and loitering after hours
since I’m an actual human being, my image is important to me. for the record, I don’t believe in the retouching of photos I have control over. unless the photographer insists, as it is, after all, their art. why wipe away what’s real and true? oh, and if you have questions about what “work” I’ve done to my face, go ahead and read my post on aging and plastic surgery! you might be surprised at the truth. and of course I asked the Post for a retraction of my “quotes”, and a swap for a normal photo. of course it’s “policy” to not change anything. but for the sake of explaining how EASY it can be for ANY news outlet to impact our perception of a person, their business, and their entire life, I present this article and details in my own “post”. anyone who knows me well actually contacted me in shock over the image of me, in general, that was portrayed in this article. and while I was initially disappointed — actually, I believe I used the word “devastated” as I emailed the writer — I believe only good things can come from this article. and, I appreciate very much the awareness that it is bringing to my PE program!
so, thank you to Lauren Steussy and The New York Post and your editor, for giving me a little jolt before the end of the year. I would love to work with you again, I’ll probably just request approval on quotes and photos!
if you have recently and repeatedly been hurt, disappointed or betrayed, I have good news for you.
in a nutshell: you are going places, and you are being reminded LOUDLY of exactly who, what and where is NOT supposed to come with you.
if you are anything like me, you love to share. you love to uplift. you love to give props to others for no reason or personal gain. you just have a lot to give. and although this is a wonderful quality, as I mention in my last post, there is something MAJOR that must be incorporated into this quality and way of living and that is called: discernment. without this, we simply can not and will not succeed.
over and over and over again, I have had my mind blown by people and situations that I had the best of hopes for. who I only had hope for. who I saw only the good in. and over and over and over again, after I have gotten over the initial disappointment in learning that no, not everyone has something to GIVE (therefore they take — but really, actually end up with nothing in the end), I have seen WHY the hurt, disappointment or betrayal occurred…and this has ALWAYS – without a doubt – been PROTECTION…
much lighter times are imminent as we close out cycles. I have to say, this particular Venus Retrograde has been wonderful for me. and after a very challenging fiscal year-plus, I really appreciated it! it also seems that all systems are a go as far as Capricorns (like me!) are concerned.
as we near the end of this cycle which closes on November 16th and goes direct, I have decided to continue offering pop up sessions to former patients (only). please call the business line between now and November 16th if you would like to schedule an abbreviated (pop up) session. these sessions will take place in a new private space with new amenities and one-of-a-kind healing accoutrements!
last October 2017 when I launched PE™ (Pediatric Energy™), I posted about my desire and discussions with quantitative medicine and clinical MDs to establish wellness initiatives for children. as this is not my only area of focus, it has taken some time and marinating to expand upon. in addition, it has taken me time to meet and vet professionals best-suited to develop collaborations or partnerships with on this front. I have big dreams for energy work and wellness as it pertains to children! while the collaborations and partnerships (spanning several industries) I am most interested in take shape, and I continue to have successful (and frankly for me, these are often my most exciting cases) fertility cases, PE™ as a whole has grown — conceptually and tangibly. in short, PE™ uses dialogue, meditation, reiki and earth elements to balance a mind-body-spirit connection for children.
upon my exit from college, for a time, and then again throughout 2011 and 2012, I worked with handicapable and underserved children. some of it was straight pro-bono / volunteer work, and some of it was salaried employee work depending on the timing. early on, I was a marketing professional and I spent some of my free time with those with disabilities. later on, I worked as a volunteer alongside the resident psychologist at one organization and assisted him with curriculum development and tangible execution of such. after that, I was a salaried Habilitation Specialist and classroom teacher for adolescents and adults (all the while launching Healing Elaine®).
when I was in full swing with private one-on-one sessions for Healing Elaine®, I began attracting fertility cases right away. as I successfully worked with dozens of specific mystery cases in which medical professionals had already been on the scene for, the bridge between medical and spiritual became even clearer for me. I began to understand further, the dissonance between the sovereign energy of a hopeful parent and soon-to-be incarnate soul of their child — and how to bridge that. the same was true for the children I had worked with in the past as well as children of patients of mine or children AS patients of mine: there was/is a gap between their energy field and that of their immediate caretakers, or the person(s) whom they spend the most time with. effectively bridging that gap is paramount to all things wellness for the child.
one might refer to the above gap simply as communication. we communicate in different ways, to one another, all day long. the most important part of communication is not verbal. so, then, what are we saying to one another — to our children and vice versa — all day long? HOW are we saying things to one another, non-verbally and otherwise? energy is transferred in a multitude of ways. these ways are important to understand so that we may best manage them hence our energy/wellness and that of our children. and this is where my work comes in.
although it looks different on the surface (I probably won’t have a deeply philosophical or psychological conversation with a child, whereas it’s MUCH of what I do with an adult during a session), I am still bridging the gap for them to positively isolate their energy field while also acclimating and then bridging to the energies around them. while these are mainly trade secrets (and I have an article coming out about my work with children, so there may be a bit more info in there and before my website goes up, which is currently a redirect: www.pediatricenergymedicine.com), I will say that children are more sensitive than ever and they absorb everything around them at lightning paces. given this, it is important to connect them to 1) their own thoughts/beliefs 2) their creativity 3) ionizing and earth elements.
now more than ever, and I explain this due to simple human evolution, children are drawn to and NEED high-vibrating aka love vibrations. this can best be expressed through an emotional or non-verbal state, from one person to the next. this is why animals and children are so drawn to one another. as the earth’s energy increases and speeds up, so does the natural set point of the intrinsic mechanics of a newly made human being (child). I was initially surprised at the number of vegan (due to a natural aversion or intolerance to meat and dairy) kids I met. if we think about this in basic energetic terms, there is less density in plants and live foods. this lends itself, also, to wellness. along with food choices, I also noticed an increased interest in earth elements like water, stones and crystals. the babies and children drawn to these things aren’t on trend; they are on kinesiology. and they are going to lead the wellness movement beyond trend…
in the past year alone, the calls I receive from parents about their child and their interest in me working with their child have increased three-fold. I am not sure whether this is a result of them reading about my PEM™ service that I officially launched one year ago, or whether the burgeoning wellness sector as it relates children is to thank. it is my belief that as we outgrow old ways of doing things in many fields/industries, we will open further and also rapidly, to developing wellness and mindfulness programs for our youth — starting as early as possible. meditation, and things like yoga, and creative-mind nurturing are crucial for children. energy work in general, for example reiki, is great for babies (even fertility) and children, but the right practitioner and match is CRUCIAL. it is still like the Wild Wild West out there in terms of the fact that ANYONE can call themselves an energy worker. we need to be sure that energies are actually being balanced — not incorrectly absorbed, on either side. and while the good news is that energy medicine as a concept and field does continue to grow and expand, new and vetted structures will assemble themselves so that we may not only offer but continue building a bridge for our children who will eventually go on to lead our planet in a very short time.
as always, please see my about and bio sections, as well as get a feel for my blog if you are interested in reaching out for any service. lately when I work with a child, it has been through developing a program first with their parent or caretaker for that parent or caretaker (hence working with the entire family dynamic in tandem) — and those are born from long, specialized one-on-one sessions with an individual. we may address and then explain a variety of concerns and solutions for things like autism, Asperger’s, or other diagnoses or undiagnosed dispositions. it is my desire to continue working with collaborators (brands, companies and individuals) who are invested in kids in any positive way: through positive imaging, branding and messaging, through educational reform, through wellness program implementation in schools and institutions, through unique workshops, and through simply spreading the word that children and wellness are actually synonymous with one another. now watch, as the wellness sector as it relates to children explodes in the best way.
below, a quick clip from a great kid on soul-body connection